Nothing but rambling

Just needed to ramble a lil to feel better... somewhat...

Sometimes I just don't understand the feelings that rush through me...  I try to hold as much as I can... but eventually everything overflows. I guess the great thing is that I don't explode. When this happens I tend to be waterworks... But, I wont let people see the daylight of me. I guess the hard part is I keep myself a lil isolated at times. I enjoy talking to people, it helps me forget about me for those moments of conversation. I guess today I was trying to talk to a friend so I can just spill myself out and it reconfirmed why I don't have close friends and why things take me longer to get over. I end up being alone. Maybe I'm not alone but I just feel a little alone. He linked stuff about me and things I wanna change and he got mad at me because he's already told me things so he got frustrated and I got upset and I just let it be... I was considering going to a party he and his gf were having but then I told him that I couldn't, and it's not that I can't but I can't afford to drive out there... it's a 2 hour drive from where I live, so I told him I couldn't and told me to go and put no instead of leaving the maybe... So I said I had a couple weeks and he said never mind he would just take me off the list which for and odd reason hurt a little. I guess I'm being a baby... (I know this sounds so childish)
Lately, I've been feeling in complete isolation mood. I've been reading a bit on religion... I'm starting to want to know more about origins of Catholicism. I grew up in the religion and never really knew or questioned. I'm not questioning right now but I'm curious to knowing more. There are so many aspects I need answered.. different perspectives. The prayers, saints, communion, I curious to the bible... all of our sacraments... which I have all except Marriage/priesthood, and the sick one (anointing of the sick?)... We know women can  only marry or become nuns or neither... lol, and the other one is basically when you're really sick almost or death bed... but I can only get the marriage unless I marry under the church. Who knows...
I've been very curious about the Mormon religion lately. There are so many things I want to know...But, I want to read. I don't want to look them up in the internet as much. I guess I kind of want to read their books. I don't know why but it sparks an interest. Religion can be very interesting at times. But, I do think of a college friend who was a Sax performance major and went to grad school... ended up changing major there to theology. He was a christian and ended up graduating not believing anymore. In fact I have his thesis paper somewhere in my comp but I haven't read it. I should but I don't know... Sometimes I wondered if I read his paper I would a lil belief but it shouldn't be the case since we all watch stuff that mocks religion anyways and doesn't make us not believe... I guess I just needed to top off the overflowing...  feel better...