Come Little Children

Come little children
I'll take thee away, into a land
of Enchantment

Come little children
the time's come to play
here in my garden
of Shadows

Follow sweet children
I'll show thee the way
through all the pain and
the Sorrows

Weep not poor children
for life is this way
murdering beauty and
Passions

Hush now dear children
it must be this way
to weary of life and
Deceptions

Rest now my children
for soon we'll away
into the calm and
the Quiet

Come little children
I'll take thee away, into a land
of Enchantment

Come little children
the time's come to play
here in my garden

of Shadows


by Edgar Allen Poe

And it's healing... What an image

  


So it's been one week since I went to Universal well just about... lol Anyways, So when I  left that night which was technically Monday morning at 3:30am I fell. Yeah, I know we all fall and there's no problem. I was just bleeding a lil and that pic up there was taken right when I fell. I mean it did hurt like hell when I fell but I thought it was going to go away. I was going to restart jogging again because I had been so busy I hadn't had time... but so far the pain from the knee has yet to allow me to. Weird but go figures.


So two days after I thought well this isn't going so bad... it's healing nicely... I mean it hurt a little but it wasn't so bad anymore. It was tolerable... but I tried to do more movement and it was a no go... I've been wanting to jog this week but it was been tough because it does hurt. And I am truly not one to be stopped for nothing but this thing actually hurts... It started leaking like friday night when I bent my knee... it was disgusting, thick yellow liquid... So gross!!! It hurts to bend my knee, it even hurts to wear clothes over it. I am also not one to bandage a wound so that fresh air helps it heal faster but it's been going through my clothes on my knee... and I hate the feeling of being wet even if it's on my knee it feels uncomfortable.

      

Yeah, this is how my knee looks today.... Pretty cool huh... lol ... Or gross... hahaha idk... Well what can I say it does kind of hurt and can't help that sometimes it makes me limp a lil but I try my best not to... Well hope you enjoyed some nice images.. haha!
Well, as much as today is Halloween, it doesn't feel like it so I haven't quite decided if I will take Danny out yet but this wouldn't stop me if he wants to go... but since he's been sick and I'm starting to get a cold too I've been a lil hesitant. We'll see.. 

Have you ever had a paranormal experience? Do you believe in ghosts?

Well actually we have. It's really strange but things have always happened around my parents and mainly my dad since we were little. Similar to Paranormal Activity (the first one) when she would wake up scared bc she felt something talking to her... well most of us have woken up with such fear. Mainly one of my brothers who is going to have a kid now. He is always having nightmares and feelings of being haunted. He hears things and even sees somethings... it's pretty scary. One night my son and my dad both woke up scratched up from the right side of the face and quite similar. It was weird because they were pretty deep and my son sleeps next to the wall and he didn't leave my room... I thought it was a strange coincident. My other brother saw a little girl in his room while he was wide awake and he couldn't move... she even walked to his bedside. That was in his room in the figwood house (street in Fontana). Most of the most and stranger and frequent occurrences happened in that house... Well in that  house my dad saw a talk,, blond lady, wearing a long pink dress... After that night until the day we left he never turned off the nights...

In the house we're now my dad has seen this white thing and it was outside... he describes it quite similar to the appearance of those soul sucking ghosts that appear in Harry Potter but my dad has seen them in real life. Many times and it just happened a few days ago and it was a pretty dark night and he said they were white as light... I was wearing a white shirt and I asked him if as clear as my shirt and he said no... that my shirt looked purple and it was white distinctly...

Do we believe... yes... we do!

There is no doubt about it... to many coincidence for them not to be true... but that's just me and my fam... idk!


  
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A New Day

This is a Note I wrote to all or most of my close friends especially dedicated to know who I have on my FB... Although I don't know if they all read it or found the importance it meant to me as I wrote it. I was hoping more response but it doesn't always happen how we want. When I wrote this it came from my heart! 

It felt so enlightening when I saw the sunrise this morning. And mind you I watch it every single day when I take my brothers to school but today it just felt different.  My usual mentality is/was always, close the blinds I just want to sleep in and I don't want the sun... and blah, blah, blah. But today, this sunrise felt of a new day, new beginnings and new life. It was just a warm feeling to be happy to see the light of another day and i appreciate all of you who have somehow put up with my unstable-ness though-out the years. Sometimes I wonder how you all were able to tolerate me through all my stupid phases in life and mostly my depressive, emo-ish, gloomy, stuck in a room of darkness or hidden behind my own wall unable to listen to advice, unable to snap out of my own world that regulated my life... my darkness and my hopelessness to be alive. After years I know you all notice changes here and there and sometimes even notice when I fall again, you all know how freakin' stubborn and how stupid I can be... and I am sorry! I try... but sometimes you just have to be patient with me it's a matter of time before I see your light of day. And trust me all the words of criticism and encouragement I take them to the heart and dissect them... slowly but they get through. My whole life I have learned to be patient(or have tried to be patient out of necessity)  but the fact is that I am as  impatient as a little kid in Christmas not wanting to wait for the right time, just wanting to jump right into everything and I know that is bad... it always leads me back to square one...

You people who have helped me cope through my laughs (or discreet laughs) and helped me get out of that fucking hard shell I've been fighting my whole life to crack thanks. You make the world, my life, my day a brighter one to feel like I have hope for tomorrow. And I know I come on a little strong sometimes (and when I say I little I know I minimize because I really come on very strongly, sorry), and I cry a lot and I mean a lot (but maybe not in front of you) but when I mean I come on too strong I know I do, but sometimes i feel it's worth the risk, and sometimes I may be a lil too opinionated and it seems like I don't listen. But, I do...  Someone in my past taught me that I can't change everything and sometimes I have to suck it up, stop whining and stop crying (so yea, I minimized a lot of that with other forms of coping, internal hate, just kidding, being productive with what I love) ... someone in the now has told me to learn "to just go with it" and I look in my past and I am so glad I am not there now but that I am here now... with all of you in life. i know we don't talk everyday because obviously we all have lives and busy ones for that matter but I do think of all of you every single day. You may not believe it but I really do. I may be a lil ditzy sometimes... and talk a lil too much when I am drunk or maybe be a lil overbearing cuz I like you, or seem out of reach, or not the type of person you see me as a bff but it's ok ... I know that we all have priorities that we set in our minds. I have a lot too but one of the most important ones for me even if I don't show it to be thankful for having you all in my life or a part of it.

I wish I could express it more or show it to you but my heart and God knows how I feel. Forgive me for the intolerable times, those whiny time, those times I just needed a hug, those times where tears just wouldn't stop... I am sorry you have been through some real roller-coasters but because you and because you have put up with me, I love you all from the bottom of my heart. My life is definitely a better place because of you. And sure you've made me cry tears of joy, happiness, doubt, confusion, anger, sadness and even excitement but that's the best part of you to me...

All I ask, is that you please don't give up on me. I try not to give up on my self but sometimes it feels futile. I shall keep going moving forward! Pray that this day is the light of a better beginning for all and that we don't lose hope and keep having a little faith in humanity!

And for many of you who may be asking yourself why we haven't talked in a while... This is really meant for you because even though some of us haven't spoken in a while you all here are my support my friends and even best friends... some might think sad but it's not because I think I am fortunate to have you in my life. <3

Homeless

Homeless

So yesterday we (as in my mother, my son and myself) went to LA/Hollywood for a doctor's neuro psych eval of my mom and as we were exiting the 101 on Santa Monica Blvd, there was so much traffic. We were waiting for the light to turn green and there was a poor homeless guy. He was holding his sign and alternating between both hands looking at the cars and waving hello.I felt touched by the sincerity in his face ... I always feel so bad for them, out in the cold with no shelter, no food, no money... I wish I could give them whatever they needed but we're almost in the same shoes except they haven't kicked us out. Anyways his sign said "just plain hungry" and I felt bad BC I didn't have money. We were lucky we brought bananas... So I got one of the three and opened my window. I told him, "I'm sorry! I only have a banana"... And he said "don't be sorry, I'll eat a banana" and I kept apologizing BC I wish I would be able to give him more and he said " don't be sorry, have a good day!" he had tears in his eyes... That poor guy standing on the freeway exit made my day. He was humble and I started to cry. All he wanted was food and everybody is always too busy to give them if they have. I'm just glad that he at least has something in his stomach so he doesn't completely starve even though I know its not enough. It just saddens me to see so many people suffering. :( I know we're not well off but they need it too... Just wished that the people who are better off than we are would do the same... It doesn't hurt us or it isn't even out of our way to help others. We all have necessities and needs... If we all acted on human kindness, life for everybody would be better all around. 

what i felt was real

I guess it hurts more knowing that all my doubts and 6th sense of things were right. I guess all those tears I was shedding prematurely weren't BC I was loosing him but more like I had already lost him. Life happens and sometimes we can't avoid who we love or move on to. Life gives you an opportunity to try it with somebody you feel would be a better person for you and why not. Its human nature. We are are all people. I mean its a bitch. Like a month or so ago I had to break a heart myself for somebody who wanted me to be the one and I didn't feel the same BC had met someone wonderful. And a few weeks later I'm crying for the same thing. Its life vicious cycle that keeps us on our toes. I've been told that our hearts will break many times before finding the perfect person... *sigh* I guess I had never met someone I thought was worth letting go for and compelled to give up many of my bad habits which i'll be honest I am a better person for. So I guess he brought out the best of me and now I have to figure how to do that on my own. Friends are friends but emotional support sure helped...

week pt 2 :)

Ok, So thursday I got home and was super upset that the car hadn't been fixed for my leaving of friday. It was the day before and I was panicking and carless... yeah I was throwing a fit and/or tantrum because I needed a car to be in Hollywood by 10am and at that point it was 8pm and the mechanic hadn't came and I didn't know what to do. Who in their right mind was going to allow me to take their car? I was stranded and had so many things I wanted to do over the weekend... they weren't set but I knew it was the only time I had to do stuff like that since I hadn't been around for a few years... much less by myself so I was taking advantage of everything I had. Anyways... I was crying and having a tantrum while the 4-runner had a flat so it seemed for a moment that we had no car and they had an appointment to the lawyers... It was the most frustrating and irritating moment of my life... I felt despair, I felt trapped, I was suffocating in my room... I was having an anxiety attack bc I couldn't do anything bc it wasn't my place... I text my sis and I was trying to tell her everything but it might have been rambling bc she calls and says she's not understanding what Ia m saying. It was so complicated... I didn't want to ask her for the favor but I knew I had to bc she was the only one that would be able to get me out of this whole mess.... Thank God she said yea... I told my parents and that they needed to get the car fixed so she could use it for the weekend. I don't remember what time I went to sleep but I think it was 1:30 and got up at 4:30 bc I still needed to pack everything and get everything ready for Danny. We left  at 6am... and I was dropped at my sister's. We checked the fluids and added oil ... After that I went to drop-off Danny and I was on my way.  I got to the place at 10:10am... and I waited and waited... The rest of the girls got there in the limo at 10:45.... I didn't know... oh well... but I just waited... and we were taken to get ready. 
Tony dropped off my tickets for Universal  yay! That meant my Sunday was set! 
Went upstairs and it was time.... a day full of surprises and busy-ness... lol.... Make-up, hair, dress, shoes... and a whole lot more... it's like if we were stars and going to be on TV  It was an amazing day... so much and every minute so busy... They actually gave me the small dress... and I didn't know until after the party but it fit... YAY!!!! lol... 

Anyways, The wedding was a total dream come true and so many special people there to celebrate it with Amber. She is truly blessed. It was amazing... and all the girls looked so beautiful and all the guys were all so handsome! Cheoooowww!!!!  So many pictures... lol... it was amazing and I can't wait to see them... We were all introduced as the bridal party and Chris and Amber had their first dance as Husband and Wife and the bridal party joined soon after to set the mood. I had so much fun... Dance the night away... I tried to though except I was tripping on the dress. The ceremony was very beautiful also. It was so cute and sweet....

Dancing, Dancing... oh and did I mention... that the one person who had been avoiding and stating they weren't going to try and get the bouquet got it... Yeah, that's me! I caught the bouquet... now everybody is trying to marry me off... lol... I told them way before and that's why I didn't go for the bouquet at the  last wedding... I had a feeling I would have caught it then too...  so I didn't go for it, I stayed in my seat. this time I was a bridesmaid and single so I couldn't just sit there, I had to participate... lol... and that's not the funniest thing... well it was... everybody was surprised I caught it, Miss Negativity... "No, I am not getting married, or I don't plan on it anytime soon" ... All I remember is seeing it coming my way and I close my eyes... so many girls and they all went for it bc it was torn ... lol but that's not the best part... when I knew I had it... I was laying straight on my back... yeah on the floor ...lol... But thankfully they got me up quick bc I didn't even feel I was down for so long... it was so surreal... all I was able to do was laugh at the irony that I caught it (1) and that I was on the floor when I realize I had it (2) ...lol  After that we all danced the night away... When the party ended... I took off my dress and shoes so quickly... people hardly noticed... it was so fast... I was tried and put on my body suit and tennis shoes... feet were aching... When I left I didn't know where I was going... I drove... and drove without a destination... And was hoping I would see a place on the freeway... no... 
And kept driving... I ended up in San Gabriel... I hadn't driven in that city before in the night... I sort of remembered but when we were young I only walked it... I looked on my phone for places... and found 2... one said they didn't take people at night and to come in the morning so I told the guy I needed a place to sleep not tomorrow and hung up... I was tired and sleepy... so I called the other place and well went there. Asked for check out time... 11am... woke up at 9:40... I slept very good... I took a shower and got ready... texted my friend in El Monte.... So I decided to go visit her first. We did a lot of talking and she there she was talking about me getting married... silly girl! I left her place at like 4 when she was leaving for a wedding and her sis left for Universal Horror Nights. I then tried getting in touch with my friend in San Gabriel... Hasn't seen her in like 2 1/2 years at least... no answer . I really hate it when people don't answer their phones or respond to texts ... its a pet peeves... it pisses me off more than anything in the world. Anyways... So I decide to show up at her place... and to my surprise she wasn't there... grrr... So I had a small chat with her mom... She told me where I would be able to  find her... and Ha! I surprised her and found her ... but her bf doesn't trust me or something... idk why... He kept saying something about some pictures or some video... he was really acting weird. I think he thought I was a lesbian or something and she and I had a fling... idk... but it was weird...lol... I just disregarded what he was saying... strange. But, it took him a while to recognize me... So I took her to buy milk and I went to go buy some cigs and we smoked together and had a much needed convo. It sure felt good to let go of everything. She is one of the only persons I can vent... whine... and say whatever and she'll let me say it in what ever way and never be offended... We needed  to talk ... it had been too long... So I call my aunt bc I didn't want to go into her bf's mother's place... lady is weird. And thankfully my aunt answered or I was going to stay at her mom's house... so I went to spend the night at my  aunt's house. She had a place for me to stay, a change of clothes....I slept good! So I woke up and showered... and was ready for mass... They all got ready bc they were going (surprisingly) to my house in Apple Valley... I was going to go to 9:30 mass in San Gabriel Mission but she made oat meal and I couldn't say no... so I went to the next mass... English mass at 11:30.... I was suppose to meet my friend Anna and possibly cousin Vicky at Rick's but Friend woke up sick and cousin was baby-sitting...oh well plans change. So, I call up Dulce bc I was going to go meet her at 4 and she was going to be at her mother's place. She was home so she treated me to home made menudo. Later she got her kids ready and took her kids to her bf's place... he wasn't happy she was leaving with me but oh well. I told her I wasn't going by myself. And made her go pretty much! 

I went to Rick's afterall and I buy some food bc I wanted to take it to my dad... ordered paid. And then I saw my uncle there... I went to say hello and sat and talked for a lil while with him. It was nice. He asked what if I had ordered. I told him yea... that I wanted to take something for my dad... he knew how much he loves the combo burritos...  And he's like well that's for your dad how about yourself... so he gave us food    Some of the best food. I have to say if you've never tried it... you'll love it... it's Called -Rick's and it's on Main St. in Alhambra, California. Try the Combo burrito... omg it's so much... maybe for 2 ....

So after we eat we go to Universal Studios and it starts raining as we're waiting to go in. Saw Noe and his gf in line too... It was so much fun... got on all the rides... did the Chucky tram which was cool, and saw the freddy maze... I had been like whatever... Nothing was scaring me... I walking on my high. Monsters would come to me... it was like what ev--- And it was the same with the Freddy maze... well firstly we were standing in front of this asian group... not being racist... but they were annoying... pushing me the whole time,being loud... so annoying... screaming in our ears... I was almost willing to get kicked out of the park just to make them shut-up. But I refrained my self.  We went in and it was like whatever ... I saw where they were coming from... and expected almost all of them... until one... there was a girl in the wall just leaning with  a plastic bag over her head... she literally looked like a dead manikin ... and I was sure it was... I told Dulce it would be a trip if she were real and moved... so I kept walking and she was standing next to me... I freaked out... you don't know how much... I almost had a heart attack at how much she freaked me out... then she disappeared and I turn back and she was on my left side. All I would see was dark hair and nothing else. At that point I was so scared... I closed my eyes... I couldn't open them... I was scared and I didn't know what to do... I felt like a helpless little girl. (The way her presence felt, was like one night where I work up at the last house we lived in Southridge... it was like 1-3am and I woke up with a sudden fear. It was like it something had talked to me to awaken me and it was pitch dark. I was facing my son towards the wall...  I couldn't even turn to see my door bc my back was to it...  Something was there... I was crying in fear and just started praying until my nerves calmed down and I fell asleep... Almost similar to the first Paranormal Activity, and you bet your ass there was Paranormal Activity in that house and everybody in my house witnessed it, that's how she felt) I had to move on and I had to get out of there... I couldn't take it... My heart was racing... everything in there scared me... it was like a bad nightmare.... 

But, the park was awesome 

Had so much fun... except for the fall at 3:30am... thankfully it didn't rip through my pants but my knee felt it pretty good. when I was in the car it started gushing a lil of blood... I pray it goes away soon, or heals soon... Anyways, I was just a lil upset that the people there just watched and didn't manage to help whatever... I guess the good thing was that they good stuff to block so that nobody else would fall it's was a very dangerous and slippery spot... 

So I dropped her off like at 4am... and I drove to Fontana... I think I got there at like 4:45 or something... I don't remember but I know it was a mission bc I was falling asleep really bad... I know I realize I had dozed off like at least 5 times... it was tough... I got to Fontana and parked in front of my sis's place... I put the seat back and fell asleep in the car. I woke up like at 7am... And went to go pick up Danny. Then went back to my sister's place at 8:30 and knocked on her door. Called my dad to pick us up and fell asleep. My sis wakes me up at 10 and says she needs to go to work... I was so out of it... I didn't know what was going on.. so I call my dad again  and he was almost there. Danny was watching Tv... Dad drove my white lil car... had to stuff it with all my stuff... it was so much stuff... and he had errands for my mom which I ended up doing... and paid my phone bill bc it had been disconnected... ugh! I hate when that happens.... We didn't get home until like 1pm... I got home ate something and knocked out from 2-6pm, such a great nap. 

I got tired of writing... I know I left out things here and there but I got tired of writing...
So for now... there you go! My fun filled week.... 

Week pt 1 :)

I'll try and keep it as brief as possible, sparing some of the details... 
Tony came to try and fix my car poor thing he drove in the rain and auto zone was almost closing....
I bought the pump and he tried going into the car, to find out it was going to be impossible unless there was more tools and there was complications... who builds these cars like this? He started like at 10pm and left at 3am... soaked, cold and extremely tired... Gave him gas $$ at least well it was all he asked for, was willing to give him more. Probably didn't get much sleep either because it was still another hour to drive home...

I started chatting at like 3:30-45 to like 5am or so... I don't remember but I do remember that was when I had set my alarm because I had to get ready. It means I didn't sleep... I put my face on and walked out the door at 6am. It was raining and I had to run errands before 8am. I went to San Bernardino to 2 locations and had 2 more in Fontana but by the time I left SB it was 7:30 and with school traffic and the rain... I was not going to make it. I got down to the I-10 and realize it was fruitless to continue so I inform my mom I wasn't going to deliver the rest. I barely made it to Macy's by like 8:10 in Victoria Gardens to the meeting place. We ended up leaving like at 8:25 or so and we had to be in Agoura Hills by like 10:30. The 5 of us got in and left into our journey... We had a lot of time to kill so you can imagine they did a lot of cheering up and girl talk. I got to really know these girls so much more.  They were really what I needed at the moment. It was nice! We all felt the love in the car and I felt warmth in my heart despite the short of breath and lack of air getting to me... I felt a little off that morning. Well we got out there and made it on time.  There was a lot of traffic on the 210 but since we were 5 girls we took carpool and surprisingly no traffic on the carpool lane. Yay! 

Anyways we were there to surprise Amber and she sure looked happy! And she looked so beautiful! It was an amazing day. Next we let her get ready and we were going to try and try the bridesmaids dresses before we had to be at Dinner at 6pm. We started leaving Agoura Hills and a cop stops me... yea... thanks just with a limiting time what we needed. So I pulled over and he gives me a fix it ticket. He takes him time too... grrr  So with our time more restricting... we knew we wouldn't be able to make it to the fitting in Burbank and back to  Studio City on time for Dinner. So we head right to the Dinner place and we all quickly changed to our Dinner dresses in the Restaurant... got to talk to Chris C a little and felt better. We had time to kill. We were all just waiting at the bar ...  So Amber soon to be Mother-in-law and Amber's dad say I need a drink... lol how did they know... So they order me a girly-fruity drink... a Cosmo... lol... That one was good... after that i was just talking and they insist I need another... so I told them only one more... So the guy at the bar was going to make me the same but I asked for a sunrise and they told him to make it strong... so he made me a double... that was like a shot... so sweet!  I was floating on the clouds... nothing would be able to put me down... lol well at times I felt like I was falling but I got up. Anyways that was a very nice Dinner... all the groomsmen and bridesmaids were there and both families. Very intimate dinner,love it. 
My mom called me and told me to stay with my sis that night so I can finish the errands and then go home. 

After Dinner, we went to the dresses... we left at like 12:30am...oh so tiring evening... thank goodness I wasn't driving bc the sleepiness, the lack of sleep of 40+ hours and the couple drinks... wine at dinner ... yeah.  So we were heading home and guess what?   Yeah, we were stopped a second time... they said we were speeding...  So my friend got a speeding ticket for going 80mph... boo for them... they were in it for us!  So we finally got to where their cars were and we all parted... I was so tired... it was like 1:30 and my sister wasn't answering... I was so tired. I got to her place and I was bbm-ing her and calling her but nothing, I waited for quite a while outside and got really cold... thankfully I had a blanket. So I went to the back seat of the car put one of my small blankets as a pillow and covered myself with the other one. I was so warm and starting to knock out when she calls me. It was like 2:10am... She let me and I fell asleep in some room... I knocked out instantly... I slept so well... I woke up by a phone call from my mom... I was so confused... I didn't know where I was...lol... it was the worst feeling in the world not knowing where you were and why the room was so dark but my sis opens the door and checks to see if I'm awake and I had just picked up the phone call.. it was like 8:30 and my mom was ready for me to run errands... I did..  I'm a good girl! And she calls me again at 11:30 that they were waiting for me to get home... that the car wouldn't run anymore... and they were telling me all this stuff... I was upset by then... I couldn't believe that my poor lil car was immobile and I was being blamed for it... I got in it for a while saying that they should have fixed it when the problem happened and not until the last minute when I tried getting it done. Actions always speak louder than words.  I didn't get home until like 2pm... And then I lost time...lol I think I took a nap... 

Perfect

"Perfect" 

I know we're just like old friends
We just can't pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We can't help but feel that something has been lost

But please you know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be
Perfect
Perfect
Perfect strangers down the line
Lovers out of time
Memories unwind

So far I still know who you are
But now I wonder who I was...

Angel, you know it's not the end
We'll always be good friends
The letters have been sent on

So please, you always were so free
You'll see, I promise we'll be
Perfect
Perfect strangers when we meet
Strangers on the street
Lovers while we sleep

Perfect
You know this has to be
We always we're so free
We promised that we'd be
Perfect

by Smashing Pumpkins

It's the way it has to be sometimes... We all grow and at the end no matter what a friendship is more perfect in life than anything else. Something so special should never be lost completely. Well at least not in my opinion. I have always been a girl willing to accept the truth and the new circumstances as painful as it can be. We don't always know the curve balls thrown in our lives and the best thing to do is be the perfect person to accept the truth. 

The begining of the end is the beginning

So is everybody really getting married now. Or they're living somewhat  happily miserable lives but with their loved one... I think I am broken and unfix-able.. am I not meant to be with a good person or am I meant to be single.Will I ever meet a  person like the one I just had... He was something else. Sure he had a few flaws but over look-able in my opinion... I just liked everything he was. I hate talking about this always because I feel lonely. Or I make myself feel desperate. I can't deny the warning signs weren't there. I ignored them and tried to make up excuses... it's not like we ended really badly bc we talked through it. I see  his point of view and he  is right... iin many ways...  I just wished for more like a lil girl with a huge crush or puppy love
See he had tried fixing my car and just couldn't and he left my house at 3am... I think I started talking to him at 3:45 approx not exact... but this was the real convo... 

Me : You sure made me feel a lil like shit tonight.

t: I'm sorry. It is my fault.

m: for what?

m: You didn't do anything... (because this was the reason I was mad to begin with, I wanted to give him a kiss and he said he couldn't so I got mad and walked away)

m: Its just hard sometimes... reading you...

m: It feels like you don't want to me to read you or sometimes know who you are

m: you hide within your mystery and keep me out...

t: There is no mystery.

m: well maybe mystery is wrong word

m: It feels like Im blindfolded...

m: And sometimes I just feel as though you just want me to stay far away

m: You know you can tell me if that's the case...

m: things are tough on everyone... we're all stressed i know...

t: That's why its my fault. I haven't talked to u.

m: But, all I want to know is if there is hope...

t: That's not the case.

m: I know why you haven't talked you're busy... I understand...

t: Hope? For what?

m: Hope as in you and me... in a sense

m: So being busy and stress isn't the case? Then what is?

t: The case is I do care about u. Obviously u seen tonight

m: but...

tony: You already know. But how u handle this will show me if u can respect what we do have or not.

t: And if u don't. I understand as well. U feel hurt.

m: What do you mean I already know...

t: Misled

m: I do feel hurt att times... but that's I actually wanted to talk about it...

m: I don't want to feel misled... especially with everything you told me at the beginning...

m: I've trussted and believed everything you have said...

m: I don't see you as a bad guy but I do always expect the truth...

t: It wasn't a lie or misleading.

t: Everything I have said is me.

m:  But what you're saying is that we're friends

t: I don't see anything devolping more than just a friendship between us.

m: okay I understand that

m: and that's what I wanted to know from you

t: Yes. And I'm sorry if I am hurting u. Truely.

m: no darling it's fine... you didn't hurt me

t: Really?

m: I hurt myself

m: but you didn't

t: Don't beat yourself up about it.

m: it just makes more sense... I am not...

m: don't worry about me... A true friend is someone you can trust... and I've really learned to trust you...

t: I am here for u though. U are one of my friend.

m: But, how far back did you realize this...?

m: thanks darling! It means a lot!

t: L.a. when I realize I want to move back.

m: But why would that stop it from wrking out?

m: Moving back...

t: I told u I wanted to move back. Like when I first started working for universal

m: I know I told you I was stuck... and yea I see how that is a burden... I understand... beside you have barely obtained

m: freedom why loose it

m: Oh I know you said you wanted to move back... I didn't see a problem with that... but I don't see how that was an issue for u and me

m: if that's what you're saying

t: Don't think like that. Burden is a nasty word. And that's not the reason

t : I thought about danny and u.

m: it was the sex... huh

tony: I wouldn't be fair to either one of us 3

m: Please clarify...

m: well ok I know you care about me... and dont see things moving forward bc you want to live in LA...

t : Trust me. I thought very deeply about it.

m: BUt let me ask you something...

m: What do you feel for me?

t  I'm not that type of guy. And u know it! Can't believe u even asked that.

t : Judt a friendship. I know that for sure.

m: I am not telling you to disregard my son

m: or that I would leave him in any way...

m: I don't know what type of guy you're thinking that Iwas thinking

m: I know you think in whole not partial...

m: I can tell the way you are...

t : I wouldn't want to raise my children in the city! That's what I mean!

m: A friendship is good for me... and I hope you read that note I posted up for all of my friend

m: Ok, that's goood to know... Kids don't belong in the city... it's the worse life ever...

t : Note?

m: on facebook

m: it tagged all my close friends

t : Like I said. I put a lot of thoughts about it.

m: yea, I know it's been something that's been on my mind for a long time too...

m: debating... trying to figure things out...

m: confusions...

m: Then for a while just thought it was bc you were so busy

m: but then you justt didn't want to see me... so I started getting the picture but refused for a while

t : We even worry or stress about something if we both know its not going to work out. This way everybody wins and no one loses

m: lol...

m: darling you and I both saw different pictures...

m: on something painted a different picture.

:

m: but you're right... Just as my ex... we're far better friends than we would have been as partners..

m: With him... I trully and I am being honest, I would have killed myself

m: if he were my spouce

m: thank you for  clarifying everything

t : That's sad.but can't cry over spilled milk

m: lol...

m: yea, you're right

m: I am a far better friend... lol

t : I feel much better.  Thank u for being u

m: lol, thanks... and you too!

t : I need some sleep. Text me later.

m:Reyna Flores: I am very good at easing ... smooth transitions

tony::)

m: ok

m: I will, I ned to get ready alreayd

t : Morning. (he put good morning since it was already 5am and I was starting to get ready to start my day and that's how we ended... pretty much how we started saying saying good morning to each to each other)

m: good morning!

What was your major in college? Do you wish you could have studied something else?

My major is BA in Music... just general but I play the clarinet...

I mean I don't regret it because it's a passion i've had since I was so little but right now a business degree or something environmental sure would have helped more... idk... 

  
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When you were young what did you imagine you'd be doing now or how you'd be living at this point?

Well honestly, let's see... I am 25... when I was young and this is going to truly sound stupid! Well I was young... I never thought about really going to college and I guess I thought I was going to be Married by 22 and have 3 kids by 25 living in a happy home and idk... watching my kids grow up and not worry about that anymore... But I guess it doesn't work that way.

Instead, I graduated college as a single mother with a 1yr and a half kid.... I am 25 not married only one kid, no money and still looking for a job...

I guess illusions surely are better than the reality is sometimes ends up being... But in reality... I am glad I don't have the 3 kids right about now... the living situation would have been a little harder. I guess even though things don't go the way we want them to I am somewhat happy! I have a degree:)

  
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What is the best date you've ever been on?

So far, I would have to say... that ever though every time has been special but I have to say... that one that sticks out in my mind... It would be the time I made Mr. C go with me to a meeting... I know he was miserable there but it was kind of cute seeing his pouty face. he main reason was the language barrier... boo for that! I drove adn then he said he was going to fix a light fuse in the car... so we go to a $1 store and they had none then a Stater Bros. and no and then he decides walmart... so we go and he found it... yay! So he fixed it and then he said he was hungry... so we go out to eat at a red robin and then when he paid we went outside... We were just standing around as he was smoking his cigarrette... and it was funny because it was so awkward... lol... he would look at me and then I would turn... or I would look at him and he would turn... it took like 15 mins there until he finally got the nerve for the kiss.... one of the sweetest nights! It was amazing!

But, its so hard to decide with him... I mean we've gone hiking to Lytle Creek were we explored and hung out and talked... it was so peaceful and amazing!

Or when we when up the Southridge Hills and walked part of southridge...

Or the couple times we've been in the Fontana Nature Center with the Ducks and Geese... And  I gave him a couple of lil gifts... His Fav Cigar and the shot of Patron I promised him from vegas! :)



  
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What do you think is your ideal weight? Are you trying to improve or change anything about yourself?

Ideal weight I have never had it but I sure know that I want it... What am I doing to better myself is better eating smaller portions and more exercise than I have ever done in my life. It is hard but for once in my life I want something different. I want to be happy with me... I want to see myself in the way I want others to see me... I want to love me for me and not expect someone else to love me and myself not be able to tolerate the sight of me in the mirror. Since I was young, I've had a weight problem... and since I was little i've been self conscience... And I never understood what was wrong with me but it wasn't always the eating it later became a disorder when I became depressed at a really young age of like 11-12... I think that if then when I was depressed and learned with the help of people I think I could have been better now. But then nobody talked about those things and I was isolated well they ignored kids issues and hoped we go over our shit but for me it didn't happen. So now after half of my life dealing with all those issues I want to fix them before I get to thirty or before I fuck them up and end up pregnant again... which would suck! So yeah, healthier eating, exercise, positive thinking and trying to think stress free... don't get me wrong I am currently fighting being depressed and I don't know why... but I am trying not to be but I know I am prone since most of my life has been depression but I would like to think it's not true and that I can fight it. I am hoping that once I am happy with me and happily in love (but not depending on someone else for happiness) I might reach my goals of not dealing with depression.

  
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God give them strength

It's weird how I am being a hypocrite because I don't feel like writing but right now I feel so alone. I hope this all goes away... I hate feeling so down and I know it's my fault for thinking too much. Well Time to go to church. Yesterday was a very long day and sad day... 2 families suffering ... a friend who has passed away and leaving a small child in this world. I am sure she is more sad thinking of her son but God will guide her up in Heaven and give the strength for the family on earth to hope and deal with her passing. 

Then more friends... who their mom is fighting for her life in the hospital and the Doctor just goes hour by hour... there is no guarantee... She ate something which caused her to have internal bleeding and they can't do much for her... she is extremely critical. 

Sometimes we don't understand what happens or why things happen to the sweetest people in the world. I guess God made them worthy of coming back home because of their kind hearts. God Bless both families going through so much pain! 

Lately

Lately, I just feel so depressed... I have really high ups when I am with Mr.C and then when I am not I have really really low lows... I am so unbalanced... the last week I have been crying every single day. I am not in the mood to write anymore... I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I went from having 7 students to 3 now... that's not enough to pay my phone or gas for that matter...

Right now I just feel so low.... I don't  care about anything... I just want to sleep ... I don't know what to do... I haven't felt so low in such a long time... And I don't understand. I mean well it started when I started talking to this guy. He makes so happy when we talk and hang out and then my insecurities come out and I feel like I am pushing him away some how... idk... I don't feel stable... I feel broken. I feel I am exposing myself to more of a heart break. I am hoping this is just my hormones... I hope!!! And the worst part that my month came 5 days early which doesn't make sense ... bc it's always 4 weeks after the end and for the first time it's early... It does worry me a bit but what can I do... I am falling apart and I am suppose to start birth control... and last time I tried birth control 3 years ago my hormones went hay wired and became deeply depressed... and a cutter... I am kind of afraid to try again. I kind of want to talk to Mr.C if I should but I am going to do it anyways. Because if I don't then I have to wait another month. But, then I start wondering if nothing happens between us and we go our separate ways then whats the point... you know... I am so confused... I am ... I don't even know why... I really like him a lot....  maybe I am just over reacting and everything is fine and I just over thinking. I don't know why everything is malfunctioning with me.

I know I need to be patient and forget about everything. I need to let time takes it's course... and maybe I'll know... I need to suck it up and maybe instead of being available when I go down to Fontana.... maybe it's time he starts being in contact with me again and I should stop trying and see if he is still interested. Then again I knew that he was going to be super busy in October. I know he is super busy with work in Hollywood and work here... Maybe I am just being needy. Maybe I just want a hug... maybe I just want to feel wanted... But I guess it's all in due time. I need to be patient. See the problem is not what I have to do because I know... I know what I do is stupid but it still happens. Opinions wont matter bc it's what I tell my self every single day anyways. Today after a day of prayer at my house I felt good and then I head of the passing of a really sweet girl from school. She passed away today at the age of 23... :( I am really saddened... And now I am going to go pray some more...
Very sad..

So back, I am suppose to go to Horror Nights...He was going to buy me my ticket last week... and I told him to wait a lil but I hope he buys this week... if he doesn't I feel it's minimizes my possibilities of going... I don't know what's wrong with me... grrr... *sigh*

Been falling apart for days.... And actually for like more than a months now... like 1 month and a half to be exact... I am sure he isn't ready to make a commitment yet or I don't know bc he has only been broken up for like 3-4 months... or I don't know... this is a tough call... but a lot of my insecurities come from that ex which we don't talk about... for the first time in life I actually feel jealous of other girls and I know I shouldn't me... I trust him, I do.... and he gave me his word which I trust.... ok enough stupid rambling...

I will refrain myself from texting him as much as I did... even though he use to do it so much and call me.... I need to what's it called... lower my dosage so in case something happens I wont take it hard and be ready. I don't know what to expect and I don't know what to say... so freaking *sigh* and I guess I will see what happens this week...

I mean we know how we both are... so I know I am not surprised... We're both freakin moody as fuck and we're both capricorns... the hardest part for me is he's so enigmatic and I can't read him and he can read me well... so he knows how I feel and what I am thinking and I can't tell with him. I just know I love his kisses... and I just melt ... but that's what worries me the most. The first guy we have had such an intimate relationship that now that I am so vulnerable or I allowed my self to be vulnerable I am afraid to break. Or to be broken... I am not strong.... I am not... or maybe I am but I don't want to be....

having one of those days yesterday...

My own bars...

sometimes you go from being a lil moody and depressed from like a week to feeling like you're going to implode ... Like everything inside you is breaking and you have no understanding why or what is going on... You're just clueless but outer works are doing something... So confused at the moment... I try to keep my self motivated. And somehow always trip and fall on my face... Maybe sometimes I think too much or mainly feel too much. I always seem to pick up feelings from people and therefore awfully sympathize too much and keep it for myself with no air to breath! I feel suffocating.... I can't breath. I can't see... I'm blinded to tomorrow and I hate it... All I see is darkness and I'm trying real hard to see the light I thought was starting to peek through.... All I can do is pray... Let the light shine on me and those around me... I can't feel like I should be under covers ... I can't fall into this prison anymore... Breaking out took years of uncertainty. My tears are my bars keeping me concealed... Breaking out is helping me remember why a smile is worth a thousand words.