I know it's almost 1am and I am so tired but I can't seem to go to sleep just thinking at the fact that I have to get up early to try and prepare things for Dinner. We don't even know what we're going to do and it's bugging the bejesus out of me.  Everybody always sleeps without worries or at least I think they do and here I am just thinking about something so insignificant. I mean it's not like I am really going to stay here all night. Every New Year's I go to my friends house. It started because we never do anything and it's usually the only times I get to spend some quality drinking time with them. I usually take the baby and put him to sleep there so I can get wasted... I know that sounds bad but I dont' really have any support to go outo ever. O am allowed but I usually have to carry my bundle of joy. I mean I only get to see all my friends together for the most part (since after College) once a year maybe 2 and if it's a good year 3 times but rarely. That goes to show how bored I am. I love my son but I spend every single day and minute with him pretty much. I sure would love a little time for me for once. I know it's not always a lot to ask for but when you're trying to ask it, it sure is a lot to ask for...

Lately, i have been thinking about taking that "Fuck off" sign from my forehead. It's weird but I know I have it. Leas to say my mother has mentioned it. I guess you can say that when you had a boyfriend which lasted 3 years and he has been your only boyfriends and then you have no communication with boys for over 4 well according to them.. I guess they worry. I mean I guess if I was them I would too. But I am not worried. I know what I did and I did notice when there were guys that liked me but I either pretended that I had a significant other or they assumed by the way I acted. It's weird but guys know how girls with a commitment talk, walk, act... I mean everytime my mom had a friend who had a son interested in me she always said I had a commitment. Well she would mention it was my son but she would say it was for the nest I didn't get involved. I think the time has come that my childhood dreams and aspirations are starting to come back. You know when you start dreaming of your "Prince" even though we realistically know it's not true but just dreaming sometimes satisfied the wish. I can't help but smile at the thought of another baby in my arms. I know I hate the idea but in my heart I yearn once again for another child. It's weird because I didn't think I would find myself in this position.  Although, I kind of like the fact of being a single mother. I know it's hard at times and I wouldn't want another child without the father as support but I like that I am free to be with my family at all time... that I don't have to clean, and cook for another person. I love just cooking for my family and they don't judge because they know what I can do but what garantees that a guy I meet will feel the same. Every once grows up with their own dishes but it's so hard to please...

I guess in my life I have always gotten what I have wanted for the most part. It's not that I am selfish I guess I have realistic goals. Well at times, there are other times where we have to set the bar a little higher otherwise we wouldn't be going any where...

I keep thinking a lot about how my birthday is next week... I am going to be 24... 24... Now that it's not a fun age to think about. I am 24 , a single mother, and single. I graduated a 4 year college in 4 years and I have no job.  I hae an education but there is nothing in my field besides I don't want to really do that anymore but I want to go back to school but I have all those school loans and a bad credit now. What do I do if I want to go back. I can't! IT's not easy anymore... I should have had my head on straight but sadly that doesn't always happen. *sigh* I guess we just have to wait and see what happens...

At approximately, 2:55 I found out from a dear friend, My son's father's wife,  that she is going to be having a baby girl. This is some exciting news!!  Congrats, Ana! I can't wait to meet the little girls in a couple pof months. Best of luck to you and Art...

The good news for me, I guess, can be that I am not having the worst day of my life. Although a few minutes ago before I started writing I realize that I have a weird feeling. Almost and uneasy feeling, but I don't know why. I mean it's not like I could have been for Santa Claus. This year I was only bad for a 1/4 of the year and was good the rest. I mean that is better than I can ever say for the rest of my life. And well this year I've been better I didn't get anything at all... is the first year I don't complain about not getting anything. It's weird but it feels as though in my whole household we realized there is more in the holidays than just receiving and not being able to give away.  So, that uneasy feeling, who knows what it can be... It's not like anybody can tell me either because it's all just peraonlized feeling that no one else is ever aware of but my self.  I live a very secluded life of my feeling and emotions. Well the only ones that get a touch of what I feel and think are those who read here other than that I keep everything to my self. We never talk about anything around here. We all have too much in our minds to even have time to think of what everybody else thinking or we're just too bored to even think. It's just stupidity but it's the truth.

What is one word an ex would use to describe an ex?

What is one word guys think of to describe and Ex...?

……Anybody?

DRAMA...
and well yeah I guess in a sense it may be true because of different circumstances but lucky for them when that is true they disregard everything and move on like any normal person does. There are no ties and therefore visitations are very unlikely. Clarify, for the most time....

Well... What happens when your ex is your "baby's daddy" or "baby's momma"? What is it called then?
There is the word again Drama.... why is it that every time a mother wants her kids to see their  father, he just disregards it as nothing. Sure they may believe... well I don't have time now but I will eventually... yeah when? When he's ten and is busy himself.  Better yet why can't friendship work both ways? Or why does it only work one way?

Personal experience:
Well about a year ago and a half ago, April 2006 ... I was not a friend with my son's father that much we would talk here and there but that was it. We would have hard times but we both knew there was no re-kindling of emotions. Well knowing his wife is going to read this anyways I am still going to write it because she is as much part in my life or more than he is. They went through a really strong break-up. He called me or something and all he said over the phone was, "I can't talk to you or see you and Danny ever again." Obviously, I was overtly confused at his calling and saying it because I rarely called him. I never communicated and tried not to ask for anything unless I really needed it. I would try and have it so he would call me of when he wanted to see our son which didn't occur very much. Either way, that call had me puzzled but I didn't care all too much... it was his sort of threats. Later that day he called me and was crying and I was confused because to me he said he wasn't ever going to communicate anymore but he started telling me his life story....
I, then, became his friend. Or what I presumed to be a friend.  I could have blown him off and said, "You know what I don't care what is happening to you, Drop Dead!" But, I didn't... I let him talk... he spoke forever and told me the same things over and over and over... I think most friends would have slapped him and told him, "Get a grip of yourself!" What the fuck are you doing?" He felt he lost the world and his heart was broken to a million pieces... Sadly, I thought this would make me happy at first seeing him go through what he made me go through...The exactly same feelings.  But, I felt bad for him so I started counseling him so he can get better. He would have the nerve to ask me... How did you get through this... And all I would be able to response would be, "TIME."  One day he was at work or something like that and his car was taken away by a tow truck for no tags... well he desperately call me and asked for a ride offering he would pay for my gas. Now I realize I should have said no but I couldn't be that mean when a person was in need. It's not in my nature to refuse help. I would start waking up at 5:30a be at his house by 6:15a when he had work at 6:45 and be at his house at 5:45 when he worked at 6:15... Sure I tried not to complain but he would complain about my driving if I wasn't going faster than 75 or if a red light stopped me... yeah like I could predict them right?  I even started taking my baby so he can see him because he wouldn't see him unless I had him in the car... Fact... It felt like it was my responsibility to have them there together for him to see the baby otherwise it was my fault because I didn't bring him... my fault? Was it my fault.... or because he was depress he just couldn't handle seeing his baby...

Let's see I went through post-partum depression... I was still there for my baby all night. I was a full time student with part time job and a full time mommy job.... I had to make it all work and here he was trying to quit his job just so he can sleep all day... I told him not to throw his life away; he still had 2 sons to think of and should motivate him but he didn't care; only cared about her...

I honestly believe that a guy will love more his lady than his kids. He may say he does but just as he once told me. You have those feelings for the kids because they grew inside of you. We don’t get any connection until they are old enough. Well, Let’s see we don’t’ talk firstly, secondly as of now he wont see or son so how does a father step into play when he never belonged or try to corresponded to his son?

We are drama, right? Now, this is drama because we allow them to see their children. Who then becomes the drama when the dads neither are then nor allowed to see their kids? Let me tell you for a while I didn’t want him to see my boy, why? Well, because my parents forbid it. Yes they did.  So during those moments he would have his mother call ask for permission, or even his girlfriend… Tell me is that a nice way to ask? Have someone else tell your baby’s mother that he wants to see his son. No balls, (guts!), to do his own job… besides I had a feeling it was a pressure that his mom or girlfriend (now wife) created. Who starts the drama then? They do… They hate it when we put guidelines but the moment they have the freedom to do what they please they don’t do it because it’s too easy. They love the thrill I’m not being able to do something… Isn’t that in itself Drama?

Yeah, that’s Drama…

Let me create a little drama then. If I please… he left to boot camp last February. I said fine. Which meant I couldn’t ask him for things the baby needed because I had to sign a waiver, right?  I mean he barely gave me anything and I didn’t put child support on him because I am a nice person. Well because I knew he would fuck up and blamed me for doing so, typical. Can’t take responsibilities on his own hands it’s on everybody else. Well he came back in May and saw my son for 20 minutes one day and for a sec the next. And I mean literally. I think he saw him once more in august and I asked him mother to baby sit Danny for me so he got to see him once more but other than that… he has not even taken the liberty to ask to see him. I have send him random texts where the baby has needs and well he sends his wife which I don’t mind because she is my friend but here are my parents saying oh well he never sees him. And I just tell them… well maybe he’s working or something, I don’t know. Working, well possibly but only he, his wife and God knows what he does. I don’t get as mad that he doesn’t come around I gave up fighting on that subject myself. Why, fight right? I let things be my son gets what he needs and every once in a while gets to spend time with his half brother when his wife and I spend some time together but what’s going to happen when my son starts asking questions. That is what I am dreading the most. The questions… What am I going to say? Will he be old enough to understand the truth… Will he tell him? Will there be tension? You know the drama that life sometimes causes on its own…

Drama

Drama

Drama

Funny how life works…

Oh and I had most of this written since august but didn’t have time to get around to it. I know I for some things but hey sometimes keeping it simple stupid gets a little more to the point… Although I realize this is a little long…hahaha!

When  I woke up today I felt different. Almost invincible. Almost as if I never lost anything at all. Almost as if I was stronger than usual. I don't know why but I almost feel as though tomorrow is then going to be the worst day of my life. You know sometimes we just get weird feelings. Sometimes I wonder if we can actually have so much to loose or if we cling too much that when we do loose it we loose ourselves. Sometimes I wonder how is it that we never have ourselves but we let others have us... have us as in, in their power, containment. Sometimes it feels as though some of us girls, we have had problems all of our lives try and cling to something stronger so that we don't have to handle everything on our own... Then at the end of the night we're the ones who are keeping it all together. We are the ones who suffer for everything while never being kept in consideration. We are the ones who are cheated on and we never realize. We're the ones who are always kept in the dark. And we never know anything. I sometimes wonder if some of us have the 6th sense to feel when something like that happens. Well sadly, I did, almost every time... until he was lost... lost as in he separated the connection. Have you ever felt there was such a strong bond you knew their every thought, the movements they were going to make, their goals, aspirations... then after a while you couldn't see that light, that color that was once there. It's almost as if that love was it's own soul or heartbeat... you feel it beating and pounding in color but when it starts dying the pulse diminishes... and as much as you tried to revive it the light, the pulse, the color is slowly dying. Even though sometimes you don't realize it for years... you're the one who died. You're the one who lost the connection... maybe some believe there is a soul mate out there for every one. Can this be true? Well I think there can be but how often do both make that connection, that 6th sense? When is it that both persons know each other so well that they don't care what they do. They know what they have done and just close their eyes to anything else to pretend everything is going to be okay. Sometimes they're together but are they really together. Are they really bonding as it should be? What step are they in their relationship?

It's so weird how one just goes on about nothing and everything that has ever made sense in their life. For many this is just gibberish and insignificant but to other it makes us think. Who are we and where do we stand with our partners. Are they really with us or what games are we playing in this life. Why is life considered a game at times, then? If we must survive in life why is it that we become so susceptible to heart ache and then again we get lost amongst ourselves.

ranting....

I am so happy I just finished the whole translating. It took me quite a while but I completed my task. I know it was no easy task but I sure learned a lot. You know what, I think the thing I enjoy the most about translating english to spanish is that as I do it I learn more spanish.  Translating at time isn't as easy I make myself think is it or as I make others feel like it comes to me. Sometimes I make some things sound too easy other times I don't know how I get mys self into things. It's ridiculous, I don't know.

So Danny's been more actively talking on his imaginary phone. It's cute seeign talk to no one and be interetained but I don't know. It's so weird because sometimes Danny looks at me and he says weird things like baby stuff. Sometimes it feels as though he is asking me for another baby, you know like a brother or sister and it freaks me out.  I hate the thought of more kids in an unstable life. It's so adorable he just came and gave me a huge hug and as always he pats my back.  It's so weird because I hate the thought of another baby because I still remember all that pain but on the other hand I feel as though I am ready for another. I see my self in the future/ near future but I know I can't and I am not ready. I think I would freak out if within the next couple of years I do end up pregnant. I'm scared at the thought but weird thing is that I am more scared at being in a relationship and it's weird because I don't know why. I have been thinking more and more about relationships and I remember that even though in the past when I was talking to guys I just was the one who put the stopped and never made them work. All those guys who I was talking to/ dating for a small while are all married and the thing is I feel so stupid well it's not like i ever saw myself long term with any of them except one but that deterriorated in the last few years. I think I put my self in this box and now I can't get my self out. For a long while all I would see in the future was getting married, having kids, being happy in its own way. Now I see all the disfunctions that happen in marriage. Everybody fights too much, they're not truyl happy, the divorses, all the cheating... it seems like it never ends. I feel like I would love to trust guys but they're just not worthy of it. I would like to respect them but there is no use anymore. Even my closest guy friends I feel as I see them differently and I don't like them for them anymore.  I guess I finally threw my self back to reality instead of living in my little fantasy world I use to live in. It kind of sucks though. 

So my mom worries about my memory. I know I spoke to my aunt on saturday about maybe going to  pick something up at her house but that's it. So Today or sunday my mom told me when I wokr up that my aunt had invited us to go eat with her at her house. My mom told me that she had already told me the day before but I do not remember. I mean I do worry about it sometimes but sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I wonder if I should really be worried or I just forget the unimpotant things to me? I don't know but I tend to remember some very random things... Is there something wrong with me or it is just an illusion within my self? But what can it be? At times I wonder how things would have been if that second chance when I was preparing for solo ensemble festival should have just stayed that way and I would have just concentrated on my music and nothing else. Music... well here I am anyways. Althogh the one thing I only here in jazz is the Barri -sax...  I don't think I love my music anymore as much as I use to. I feel I have lost some passion in my life and I don't know where it has gone.  It's weird because jusy right now I actually feel sad. Not sad sad but I feel pity for my self. Kind of like sorry for being stupid ...

I am stupid!

I think last night I slept a good 12 hours. I don't know what made me sleep so much. I told my mom last night that we were going to go to church in the morning but I don't think any of us woke up... well at least I didn't. And it's weird because the other day my sister made a comment to me about going out with this guy and I haven't thought of him in that way. Well we hardly see each other but ever since then he's been sort of in my mind but I really pay attention to feeling because if I start thinking about them I am going to start acting strange.
That was weird I just went random and didn't finish what I was talking about lol. Maybe what I really need is a lot more rest. When I rest I should start feeling better. Then I start thinking well what is considered rest. I sleep ...well I haven't been eating as well but what can we do about that. Yesterday I threw up and it was gross...eww... My dad brought me medicine from TJ for my infection so we'll see how that goes.

I can't believe it

So honestly, I can't ever remember the last time I was sick like this. Well The last time I ever got sick was when I was pregnant almost 4 years ago. But, this is a different kind of sick. I mean I have taken the flu shot before and well I have in my life never been this sick well at least not as a teen or an adult. It's ridiculous. I can't believe it. Well that's a stupid statement since obviously I have no choice but to believe the facts that are in matter.

Oh gosh, I've been working on my translating for a few hours and I am kind of bored and tired although I am know I am almost done. I was stuck for like 2 days on a sentence and it wasn't easy to translate. It was one of those weird sentences that I would try to re-word and it wouldn't make sense but it took for ever. Either way I am going to try and finish this all so I can e-mail it to my boss and be done... well wait until I get another response.

The pill that my dad gave me really helped. I no longer feel that pain as I pee. Hahaha it sounds funny... but I feel so relieved. The pain is not completely gone but it does feel a lot better in comparison.

It was so weird this morning while we were coming back from church I was feeling quite nauseous  it was gross. Maybe it was because I was in the back seat and I am use to always driving. I don't know. My dad gave me a pill that he took when he was a urinary tract so I'll see how I see tomorrow. It still hurts but at least I am not really bleeding anymore. That's a relief. I am going to drink more water and make a tea that will help me.

According to

Well I went online and put in my symptoms until I found something and well it seems as though I might have a very strong urinary tract infection. It sucks because I have always suffered from bladder problems and urinary tracts but I would have thought that they would go away but they never do. It sucks because now it explains everythingi that has also happned while being sick least past 2 and a half weeks.  I  guess I am going to start drinking come cranberry juice and more water but I can't even go to the Doctor because I can't... there is no money and well it sucks honestly. It does. The last time I had a urinary tract I was prenant with Danny and they gave me meds I took them and after 2 weeks they checked me out and I still had it so more meds... I don't know but it hurts and its uncomfortable.

concerned

It's so weird today. So I had an urge to go to the restroom and urine. And although I had an urge for the first time I was able to hold it in because I usually can't. I usually When I feel I have to go, I really have to go. I guess I have some bladder problems. And the weird thing was that yesterday was the last day of my menstrual cycle but anyways.... So today when I had the urge I finally was able to get to a restroom. As I was going I had this weird pain while going.  It almost felt as I am draining out it's weird because it's only in my lower stomach area. It worries me because it just started today and now it makes me want yo go to the restroom more often. It hurts though. I just went to the restroom like maybe 20 minutes ago and it hurt the same but this time it was hurting a little more almost like more needs to come out and it wont but the cramping to go to the restroom continues. I wiped and there was a light pinkish color in the paper and well I know that is not part of my menstrual  cycle. I saw into the toilet and there was a light pinkish blood in the water... almost as it had dripped a few dropping. I don't know what this can be but it worried me a little. I can't tell my mom yet because it worries me but I told my sis. I wonder what it is... *sigh*

Well I am quite happy. Yesterday we had the posada at our house and like every year it ended here. There was a pinata, food and candy. So I helped my mom make Birria and so I finally really learned how it's made. I hadn't paid that much attention until yesterday. Well It was my responsibility to make the rice and I always make and it turns out good but I have been wanting it a certain way with a certain taste. I wanted it to come out dry yet a little juicy. I wanted it just perfect and i think I figured how to make it that way.I did it twice it it came out right both times. I think I finally got something right. So now I can do 2 types of maxican rice. One is more simple and the other a little more careful and more spices. I liked it... yummy. from now on I am writing down exactly how I do things until I find the way I like the way things come out. That way I can have recipes and make it the right. it's weird because something so simple to make can take many years to perfect or do for the taste of your mouth. Now there are other things I want to figure out. It just takes time and a little mixing here and there ... How I love cooking...

Sometimes the best thing is to ask for help

SO everything taken care of. Now I am trying to talk this person to seek some help. Apparently, her mom was abused by her dad and she also was unfortunate enough to get part of the punishment. She is young and her parents are going through a divorce. I know she is going through a lot and I am hoping that she seeks for help. She writes little comments like "can't I just die now..." And I talked to her about that. Well I know she doesn't want to take her life but sometimes it seems as though things would be better that way. I want to go talk to a professional. She needs to release everything she has bottled up and since her whole family is going through the same issues there is no way she can seek help within. I am sure her mom must be torn. I just hope the best for her.

January

So january is almost here. It's a new year so that's exciting. My birthday is like in 2 weeks but that's no longer exciting. My age is running away from me. I don't feel old but those number say otherwise. I wish i was still in high school. Anyways, that can't be changed. Well on jan 2nd my car registration expires and on my birthday 5 days later my license expires too. Ah. . . I don't know what i'm going to do yet but i'm praying that it will be ok. I'm sure Danny will undertand that i'm sorry i couldn't get him a little gift for his b-day or christmas, right. It's not like gifts really matter all that much. :( well that's it for now until i leave from here.

Boring day

This morning i went to the Rancho Court to see how much my ticket was going to be. I mean i just wanted and a price range because either way i knew i couldn't afford it. I asked my dad to in with me because have going to certain places alone. He asked me to ask how much and wait before i asked for the extention. I asked and the guy said something like 169. So them he asked if i was going to go to traffic school and of course i don't want that in my record so i said yes. He said well then your total is 198. . . So i asked him if i could look for the place my self and not pay. He said that we still have to pay. I don't know but i find it stupid that we have to say them to go to traffic school and still pay the traffic school. Sure they give us a list but it's not worth what we pay for. Well my dad decided to pay for my ticket. I wasn't expecting it. I'm just expecting on finding another job soon. Now we're in the DMV. . . Boring. Well my dad has to get a permit to be able to move his truck.

Well today was a bit easier to cough. Although I don't have any more sweater . So I have been washing all day to take clothes to dry at a laundromat but I don't[ want to go and come back because it's in Glen Avon and although it's not that far it's also not that close. Ugh... Can't wait until we have some kind of a dryer. If we would have a dryer here I could have used those few dollars to get Danny something for his birthday or christmas but oh well sometimes we just can't and this year it's one of those.

Last night was one of my worst nights. With my headache, not being able to move. I was so cold... They had the heater on and that warm wind would give me the chills because it felt cold. NOt to mention that I was wrapped in my blanket. I still have that headache but oh well. I am still cold but I don't have a sweater right now... I am going to have to look for one.

Today I was awaken by my little piano's student's mother... The little girl cancelled her lesson for today because she has finals. Well today is her last final. So today I am going to go talk to her and her mom. She's been wasting her parents money, she is not practicing, and it insulting to have me hanging in there until she is ready. Music takes dedication and a lot of sacrifise which she is obviously not ready to comit for. There are many kids that disliked their parents for making them practice, learn but eventually they learned that it was for the best.... I mean I never mind going. I love teaching music and seeing the interest in people but when they loose the love for music teaching them is such a drag. IT gets boring. You know what i'm saying. I could only do so much for her but I can't practice for her. My responsibility was to teach her and go into the depth of the music, her responsilibity although not hard was to get her assigned music under her fingers. She is very smart and she could get it in 1 day many 2 tops but many times she would make the excuse that she didn't get it the next week. So I would have to teach her her whole assignment. She at least couold have learned the notes and me not let her where to put her hands. I've been teaching for almost a year and there's not much progress there... I get very irritated... It's time for her to smell the coffee....

Why is it that sometimes we go to friends because we think they will help us out and be there holding our backs in case anything happens. Sometimes we trust unconditionally but is it  really unconditional? Sometimes we just want to hear what we want to hear and is it ever? Well in my case it never is... There have been a few times that I have trully gone to friends so thatthey can help me sort out things and help me feel better but I never get the consolation I crave.  I guess it's good to have honest friends but let's face it if we're are going to them to begin with we know the truth and we are seeking for help. Sometimes when they say something like you need to start that addiction... ok thank! The fact is that when people go to people it's because they know something is wrong and they don't need anybody else to let them.

SO why is it that when friends see you so anxious they say... You can tell me anything. We're friends; I don't judge you. Is that really the truth. I sadly think it's not because most of the time things change. They look at you in differnt eyes. Almost and somtimes as if you discipable. My question are there really frienda out there that don't judge or try to find reasoning in the things you have done in your life you're sometimes ashamed of.

If we have things we obviously cannot trust ourselves or our friends what do we do... What do we do to take it off our chest when no one can be trusted not even your own self.  You know you can't trust yourself when you find yourself wanting and aching to release it all... You still manage to hold it in but for how long? You  know most of the time it's not even anything jeoperdizing to any one but to your self , you're caged. Caged in your own life that no one knows about. When can you trully be your self and still be happy without being judged. Even those you love or love ou judge you the most. Where is the love if you have to change to be happy?

Randomness...rambling of nothingness

This is just not working out... I don't know what to do ... I just feel so weird.... so tired... and this weird feeling inside of me... It's almost as if I have something yet I am stilling missing it. I don't understand what it could be but it's bugging he hell out of me... my right arm is hurting right now and everytime I breath I start coughing. So, weirdly enough, I cough with my mouth closed and I am able to control the chest pain.  Or, it controls that I don't have to keep coughing more and more because it hurts.

It's weird because sometimes I hear the wedding bells ringing and then I just hear them turn to funeral bells... the melodious sound of happiness to the distorted sound of minor 2nd bells ring in syncopation. It's weird sometimes I just have all these thought and I start thinking but still I remain blank without thought. It's like sometimes I just think so much that I don't even think.

Just like Sally's dong...
just that the corporate is unknown to even me...

I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend
And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together?
no, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one

Sometimes I feel as though something wants to be revealed but I am a little scared to find out what it could be. Have you ever had a feeling that something is going to happen... not necessarily to you but someone close to you. I am not sure but isn't just anybody. I almost feel though some one out there feels just as I do. Almost as though we just a piece of the puzzle. Can it be that many of us have of pieces that can solve many misteries. Well actually I am sure many people always have pieces that complete others, I guess that's why we call it life but there is something more. And I mean let's be honest we all know that the vilains in soap operas (novelas) they always seem to know more than they should or they easily obtain info. Can a person still be good and know things or does that automatically make them bad? Somtimes I wonder if  I am good or if I bad. I don't know there have been do many things... I know like everybody else we are all corrupt but I guess it's how we use information. But, are thoughts as bad as doing an action? I think so so how can we tell if a person is truthfully at heat nice. And if a person has changed so much what in  their life has caused them to changed so much in thoughts, honesty and purity...

Why is that sex corrupts the minds of the young? The very neccesasity to fornicate as we have learn is bad but has it always felt so good or in some cases ...bad...
Can it be for some one to have a connection yet not be meant to be? Why is it that Sexual intercourse cause that supposal bond... well it is a crime of passion but then why is it condemned in many cases. It's so werid. Our society just seems to confuse many. Everybody just has their opinions and no one's are valued and in many cases prefer to listen to the one that benifits their certain circumstances... but is that fair?

We all have learned the lifeis not fair ever and we must subcome to it... we are weak and yet there are those few who defeat the supposal creed of life yet their are considered much less...

What in life is actually right and what is wrong? What are the differences and why...
I'll give an example...

Ok, so we all believe killing is bad, right?
Killing is bad but I still believe that the death penalty should be kept. Sometimes I wished that instead of having to keep paying taxes to keep them in prison....

On the opposing side,  I could very well have my father, brother, uncle, boyfriend, husband, son in death row... who would want to see their loved one die...no one...

Sure in many cases people commit crimes...

Let's use this intance also...
BABIES

We all know killing is wrong...

Why is it wrong to kill a baby after they have been wrong?

But, sometime it's ok to kill an unborn child?

What's the difference? Freedom...


ok, so I finally had the opportuniy to see The Dark Knight awesome movie. I can't believe i had to wait this long to get to see it... I know I shouldn't have had to but seeign as plans were changed, not on my end but it happens...  I want to see it incase I missed anything... I love watching movie... now I have to eventually get the first m ovie and this one... Somtimes it's those kinds of movies that just give me a little more ump to go on more... I don't know...

So I am still very sick... I can't stand myself... sometimes I just don't feel like getting up but the happy thing is that it's finally not over depression... I am happy because I still feel sane but I still have a lot I have to talk. There is so much on my chest that I need some attention. I almost need an unbiased opiniated person... just like Chris... he was good to talk to... Sometimes those training to be thrapists are better than actual ones... At that moment I only spoke of the immediate family issues and separation factor that I had within but there was more to speak but an hour a week was never enough... with a total of 10 hours in a semester of hearing the same crap I released painful agression towards my parents but I am still left at times with other agression. Some feeling if unfinished business... I don't know why I feel this way. I have fulfilled and finished many chapters in my life... Have you ever heard of how some people can't live in the present because the past lingers in the present/future...
 I never really understood how that relates to me but I need to make since of why sometimes I want to break something or bite through something ... you know like biting through meat as it sinks in but not cooked me... I jusr want to bite something... it's weird... I know I am starting to look weird/crazy... but I am not. You know many of us never notice that our thoughts just happen and if somebody paid attention to our every thought we would all be considered crazy...

I live such a dull life yet I have no time to be some one... the weird thing is that I have been changing so much and the weird thing is that I am noticing the change. It's almost as I feel I have this control... tthis power... I almost felt I lost a little this past weekend but I need to let it go otherwise I am going to loose it and I cannot have that anymore. I am cannot be the controlled...

Oh yeah and since we're talking about things that controll us or we control... I have bladder problem... I guess since I have little and they never go away. Ugh... my mom says I have always had kidney problems but they have only hurt a few times that I recall... this is so stupid.

My parents made it to Kentucky today, Thank God, and they were on their way way this morning at 8...*sigh* Everything that I have been doign this week although they are not here are not in the job description of big sis but I would have been doing them anyways... I don't have a life. People assume that I have fun doing their every need... But what about my need... Oh it's a favor to watch over their nephew because I have to take their mother somewhere, or their other sibbling somewhere else... What wouls happen if I just said no to it all? hmmm... I am intrigued!!!

Finished cooking

I just finished cooking the enchiladas for my brother and put them in the oven so i can reheat them in the morning. It wasn't bad it only took me 2 hours to do it all. So i finally had the opportunity to watch the dark night today. My first time and omg that movie. . . Keeps you at the edge of your seat. I almost want to see it again just in case i might have missed anything. So i'm so tired but i'll see. I burnt my right hand ring finger. Ouch! I think i'm getting even sicker my chest hurts when i cough so i don't want to. My throat tickles and my stomach is sore from coughing. I think imma turn off the tv and sleep. :)

It's so cold outside... So we're going to go to a posada with my brothers at church. It's part of their 2nd year confirmation class project. So I guess since my parents aren't home I am going to take them there. WEll I am going to take everybody... I know we usually wouldn't all go together but hey it's time we sometimes act as a family. And then, we're probably going to go to the store to buy some cheese... One of my brothers asked me to make him some Enchiladas for school... it's part of his class grade... well in other words its a way to call it a party without getting in trouble for it... For I am going to cook them tonight and probably put them in the oven in the morning to heat up and well I don't know what they'll do at school but my job would be done! 

Man, yesterday getting wet is really doing somethin for my chest... a dry cough... and once I start coughing there is no way of stopping it... ugh....

So I spoke with my parents a few minutes before ... They said they are doing ok. There is a lot of snow, though. When I was talking to then they were around St. Louis, Missouri ... it as it seems they still have around 250 for miles to go. I guess what has really slowed them down is all the snow but they said it's a good trip and they are having. I think they needed something where it would just be the 2 of them. They said they are very cold and I guess there is a slow storm going their way so the place they stayed in last night recommended not to leave but they knew they had to move forward for a little while more...they are on a mission and their goal is to reach Louisville, Kentucky....

Oh yeah, so where did I finish...

Well, Saturday since everything was so fast and we had a lot to do I didn't have time to dress up but it's ok... sometime when it's not possible it just isn't.

Well, my parents took my mom's car which I was a little worried about because we were pretty much going to be left without a vehicle or at least a short term vehicle. See my dad hasn't really allowed me to use my car much because the condition the tires have been in. SO I told him, "Daddy, you're going to leave me without a car?" And ironically he said, "well you're car works fine.." so I told him, "well then you take my car and I'll just use mom's car" so hesitantly he said, " well it needs tires" so I said well what tires it's nothing" But then I said, "Dad, I'm just kidding! I don't care, take mom's car" so then Later in the afternoon my mom asked me if my dad had given me money and I said no. "Why would he give me money?" " So you can change the cars in you car" I was so confused in no way was I ever expecting him to give me money for tires but since they left and they didn't wake me up I just assumed that they didn't leave anything then they call me around 10:30 and they told me that I needed to go to Pepboys and get them replaced. He had spoken to the people the day before. He had leftus some money but wanted me to see if they would accept them to allow him to pay with his card as well. So I went and the guy told that it would cost approximately $293 So I told him why so much...  because each tire wasn't that much and for the concluding price to be that high had me thinking. He listed everything that they were going to do... so I said take out the allighment... so the guy says well the allingment is optional but I lovehow they didn't tell me this before hand... so then he re-calculated and said it's probably going to be a little over $200 so I asked exactly how much... and he said 207 because I was about to leave... so I heard 207 ... so I said ok... that can be done. I can $200 cash and so then I remember what my dad told me about his card so I asked the guy if my dad can call and blah, blah, blah but he said no that my dad would have to be present with an ID.... it's not like I had the card or anything. I called my dad and told him we couldn't do that then he asked me did you talk to so-n-so and I said whichon ... he said he's a little chubbier and his face looks like he was beat up... so I look for him and finally talk to him and I explained the situation so he said he was going to do it this time only, well since he knew my dad and he was a loyal customer. I mean I don't really care of he says he's never going to do it again as long as he was doing it right now... ya know?

So yeah, yesterday we didn't even have time to go to church ... bad, bad, bad... But since the Novenario for my grandpa's death started we went to that instead. It's going to go for the next 8 sundays at like 6-7 pm ...

So my aunt was telling us how when everybody came back on friday ... she was crying a lot around 3-4pm. She had another dream about grandpa. He returned to her in a dream, in a white suit... Telling her that she needs to stop crying for him. She says that he said he was very happy where he is and didn't need her to suffer or put herself through that. Which her crying he feels bad... So we're all assuming that he isn't resting as much but he had a good life and did everything he wanted I guess also because he had made them promise not to cry. And, all the ceremonies were very peacfuly no crying... and no one was scared to go near his body. It's like when he died he gave us all the security and peace of mind that we all knew it was time. And everytime we saw his body even though he had passed we no longer left we needed to cry... we felt happy he was in a happier place and he wasn't in agonizing pain anymore. Grandpa R.I.P.

So sometimes I am so tired of so many things. There are just a few things that I am tired... I don't want them yet they continue. I don't understand why it's so hard to stop them. Some things just suck.  I guess sometimes it's just about waiting and seeing how everything turns out. We all only hope for the best, pray for the best and try and relax.

Danny just makes me so happy... he is grasping to so much more now it's amazing. He surprises me even more day by day...  Well the Posadas start today and in my house so I got to pick up a few things before they start at 5pm. We start the praying part in my house and go to another house where we sing and then they feed us and give the kids a goodie baggy. I was so sad I couldn't get baggies and cady for saturday but times are hard and I was glad peopel were satisfied enough the food and cake... I am just at such a peaceful state but there are still something that are eating me out... I need to write... maybe later...

I had written so much right now and it all got erased and it ...Ugh!!

start over!

I am so happy about the turn out for Danny's little Dinner. Firstly, I was surprised that my cousins stayed that long at my house. They barely come over and socialize... I guess we have always grown up so different we all barely have things in common or maybe it's  that we still haven't had an oppotunity to meet completely. Well I am sure my sister has because she has traveled with them to Minnesota and Mexico... so now I feel a little left out I don't know. Maybe once we started spending more time together as a family things will smooth out... and besides we have even older cousins that are starting to come into the picture... so we'll see...

Danny had so much. I am just so glad he was able to entertain and remain entertained. I know he an Cassandra have always hit off off very well although she tattles a lot... I was also very Happy that Danny and Ray( his half brother) had an opportunity to spend time together. They were having so much fun together, it was just adorable. They were both jumping on my sisters bed (so funny!). Although I wasn't expecting that many people because I didn't tell anybody I was happy but at the same time I am still a little sad that his dad wasn't able to make it... it's been a real long time since he has last seen his... I don't know. they gave Danny a real sweet card... made me tear up but you know like they always say actions speak louder than words... I wish he would show more affection then again... that's too much to ask for... well I don't know... I am tired of getting into the same arguments so I let him be. So Danny was very excited about everything he got which it all came from his dad's side of the family...Danny is sometimes very hard to please but what they got him was amazing and pushes him forward more into what I want him to get into. Thanks!!

Although, there was one awkward moment in the party that I found amusing. My cousin's daughter is very, very, very, very curious little girl... before I say ... before anybody was here... Danny took her into my sister and my room and she came out and asked, "Why is your room so messy?"...hahaha... well and when he were going to cut the cake she was upset because she wants to sit next to Danny and I didn't let her... sometimes I want him a little away from her.. I get a little irritable at times. But I allowed Ray to sit next to Danny and well she was bugging about why I allowed him and not her... so I told her that they were brothers and she asked then why don't you call him son too... my cousins just yelled at her too be quiet... I know it must be very hard not knowing what is going on at times. They are obviously bringing her up in a very sheltered way... because she tattled because Danny said the "S" word which was "shut up"... I know it's bad but whatever. Then she also asked me where Danny's dad because Danny calls my dad dad ... and she was asking that is Danny's dad and I told her no that is my dad... Danny grandpa...a dn so ,"Where's Danny's Dad?" so then i was stumped and my cousins interfered but she also has no Dad so I don't know... confusing and hard to explain.

So it was a long day but a very good and exciting day. loved it and I was happy. After everybody left I went to sleep I think. I don't know but I was tired. My mom and dad ended up leaving after the party... well technically it was Sunday morning. They left around 4am. I am not sure where they are right now but last they were in Oklahoma... and still had a while to go. They are on their way to Kentucky. I guess they are picking up 3 people, 2  adults and a little girl. I don't know. Well I have to go pick up my brothers from school because it's pouring then I'll write some more. I know I have more to spill...

oh I forgot.... I am excited! I called my sister this morning at like 10:20 and she said they were in the border in TJ waiting to cross... She's at my aunts house but I can't wait to see pictures and news of the family in Jalisco. On monday when we left her at my Tia's house Danny was so sad because she didn't come home. I can't wait to see his little expression... He loves his Nina so much... And she loves him so much as well... Seeing them together makes me so happy many times.

Today My Dad asked me to see how far Kentucky would be ...and it came out to be like 2050-2100 aprox where he wants go... Apparently he is leaving tomorrow on a long drive. I don't know many details but I guess he is doing it for his compadre and bringing someone from out there... unsure??

My dad also went to the doctor on tuesday and at least we now know that he has Anemia... and that is what causes most of his problems... so is beginning to eat better...

I think just today Danny and I have watched The Nightmare Before Christmas at least 5 times... It seems as though he has really gotten attached with the movie. At first I thought he was going to be scared but in a way I am kind of glad he's not. Even though, I still consider it a rather dark Disney movie. But I love it, too. ... the longing for more... wanting something not understood... being in a place no one understands you... Danny Elfman was amazing with the music... it seems when he can add the sax he does a great job at making a great part for it. Earlier danny was humming This is Halloween song and so I went online and looked up some of the songs and we were singing them and Danny was having so much fun...
I should have gone to mass today but oh well... it's too late. I guess I shouldn't have fallen asleep. But I need to go wash so mom and I could go dry in a laundromat... So frustrating....

Yesterday I stayed up until midnight working and it was a bit tiring. It took me a while to figure out things but I am actually glad that I am now more effectively using my e-mail and my phone.. I was also working right now doing some last minute calls for a trip that's going to be done for February. I think everything that I am doing well being his personal assistant and taking care of a lot of the tedious jobs off his hands are helping me. It's helping me ... I don't feel so trapped in my box. I feel that I am starting to change once again. I am not as much a nervous wreck as I use to be... I guess in a way I am starting to gain some personality and I am not afraid to be put down or to say no to people. You know sometimes people have the fright to be turned down in one way or another but nothing is affecting ... I think I am on a good road... to success...

After a couple of days without my phone and not being able to use the features that I get were miserable... This always happens when you need to be contacted the most... The worst timing. Even being sick becomes a hassle at a bad time but the good thing is that I am still able to work sick ... everything came at the worst timing... It seems as though even though everything doesn't always go well, somethings do. I am glad that I am keeping busy while doing jobs for the person I am working for. I was talking to him how my printer head was broken and he said he had a printer and all it needed was ink... and since I do many calls for him and talk for him he might give me a phone to use for the purposes... Sometimes I don't know if at times I am in right places or do favors for the correct people but I might just start working on something to become a better person or do things for people. But the sad thing is that even though I do ok I never have enough to spend on anything and ont even pay any bills... I can't even afford to pay the most important bills I have; it gets so frustrating at times... well always... well time to try and do some work...     

So I am sick sick... tired and well I was fortunate enough that somebody was so stressed they needed a massage... her therapy ended and now I have a little money to wash and dry clothes... grrr... well just dry... our washer still works...So I guess a couple of people might come saturday to see Danny but I can't do anything big...well I can't do anything but food... so I guess that should be fine. I told my mom posole would be the cheapest and easiest to do so hopefully. Everything sucks but it seems as though I am going to keep working for the Reginal Sales Director of the county. I hope this helps...it's not the best pay but I think once I am ok and everything settles who knows it might actually be ok... I am willing to put the work and so what I can do for future refernce... And to show that not even being sick I stop... *cross my fingers*

A little sick

I woke up still feeling down... man now I am thinking I shouldn't have put that flu shot but it was free... who doesn't take ooportunities of free things, lol. Anyways either way I am a little worse I am better because my nose isn't as stuffed and I can blow my nose but i am sneezing more.

In the morning when I woke up, Danny was looking at me and he said, "mommy I want sopita...ewito"... and although I was dizzy I got up ... Yesterday morning I made him a very liquidy oat meal and that was his sopita... so that is good he liked it... and his "ewito" is "huevo" which is egg... so I made him both so he would have the option to choose. Of course he likes eggs better so he ate the egg and I ate the oat meal and he was happy... We'll see how the day turns out for him. Right now, I gave him a bath and he is watching Pinnochio... man how he loves that movie... A couple of movies I wish I can get for him but saturday are Wall-E and Kung-Fu panda... we watched those in the theater and he just loved them... So we'll see.. eeek... He's been asking for Wall-e so if not for b-day maybe for Christmas... How I wish things get better!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON! I LOVE YOU DANNY!!!
To think at this moment 3 years ago I was just admitted into the hospital with excrutiating pain and 3 years later he is still mine and all of my family's SUNSHINE!

So yeah, I can't even receive any calls or txts... stupid! Oh and I am so sick... fuck man.... grrr... Well the Rally was a great turn out... I was happy and it was fun... So the RSD told me that we have a goal... for me to be Manager by February. If I complete that goal I am sure he'll hire me... Ay but right now I am so sick and my stomach is so empty... so much to do and no time... everything ... bad timing ... I don't know so if anybosy needs anything... I check my e-mail constantly... pinktiger335@yahoo.com

Hard times...
Well my sister and some of our family left to mexico this early morning. I am thinking they are in a plane by now on their way to Zacatecas. Since it was a last minute thing they couldn't get passports so they flew from the airport in Tijuana(TJ), Mexico. Oddly enough my dad couldn't go on the trip because he has been really ill... so ill he was laid off from work last week. So his Compadre took him to TJ to see a doctor. My mom is frustrated because the Compadre's (that took my dad) wife (mom's comadre) told her yesterday that she needs to do something and start working... My mom isn't exactly ready or adaquate to be doing her job as well as she use to besides she is always taken for granted. Nobody sees what she does. Even though she isn't working she manages to pay everything she can from the little income she gets. Nobody sees that. Everybody just complains and complains but it's hard. My dad is sick because he wont go to a doctor and we tell him but he says later... someone else tells him and he can't say no. I've been doing some more jobs... sure I have to drive far and I only get paid the minimum pretty much but I am trying. I woke up this morning and I tried making a call and well there you go my phone was disconnected again. I am sure I can receive calls and texts but I can't make them. It sucks because they don't even give me the whole month they just disconnect it 2 days after the bills is due. It's so hard and I konw I eventually get it back on but this is the 4th fuckin month. So it's $15 reconnection fee... that's a total of $60 bucks extra that I have to pay. I just paid $105 last month... They cut my phone for $68 and now my phone is at $183.03 once again. I don't know what I am going to do... Everything seems as it's tighter this month... It's Danny's birthdday tomorrow and I can't give him anything... I wish I can make him a lunch thing... Family that went to mexico are coming on saturday for a little time and I can't cook... we have nothing. I am stuck between walls and i can't scream... I can't do anything. I can't ask my parents... mom isn't working dad is laid off and worried about the rent. We already planned no Christmas this year so we're not worried about it but Danny is starting to grasp the concept of christmas on TV and it's hard to explain why we have no lights, no christmas tree...  We don't even have a dryer anymore it broke and it's too cold to dry clothes outside...

it's so hard to believe that it has already been a week. I just remember the days that led to Grandpa's death went so slow and now the time is flying... it's hard to realize that. His body should be arriving in Mexico tomorrow... they will do the same services we had for him here but this time he will be put to rest in his home town. Some of my aunts, uncles, cousins and my sis will be leaving at 4am tomorrow to catch a plane in TJ and go to Temastian, Jal... I sure wish I could have gone but you know timing is never good...

It's Danny's birthday on wednesday and well it's his birthday and it's not going to be much of a celebration. We can't afford anything. And. my mom want to put the little lights for christmas but I don't really want to  ...the sucky thing is that Danny is starting to realize how holidays work and stuff and I know this year wont be anything. It's not like it ever is but this has been a harder year... we're not celebrating this year. We can't!

My dad will also be heading to TJ tomorrow but only to go to a doctor... his Compadre recommended and so he is taking him. My dad has been ill for far toio long and it was time...

wow... I woke up so late... it was almost 11am... actually the funny thign was my mom woke me up on my phone because she wanted me to late my dad to some health fair in Rancho. I ended up going with my dad, Danny, and my 2 brothers. It was alright. We had a glucose blood test done and we all got Flu shot except Danny and now my arm is sore. Well grandpa had his services yestrday and the place was full. It was an open castet and well it was very sad and they fixed him up really nice... The way grandpa looked the last few days before and on the day he died... would have made more people cry. All my uncles from here all went except one and nobody understands why? It was a nice service but I was recording for my aunt... Sigh

So when we were on our way to my aunt's house to pray... my mom received a call and it was one of the people she truly considers a friend, Nico. And I guess there were issues with her marriage so that's that and well she is selling Tamales to make some little income. I asked my mom who it was and when she told me I said yes. I wanted some... well not only so I love them but since it was her... I like to help out because she took care of us when we were little and we can't forget that she taught my mom how to cook as well.  Well either way we told her we would call her back because we were about to pray. Well we were in there and when we got out we were all tired and it was 9pm. We were determined that we were going to come home and sleep but we decided we wanted to pay her a small visit get some tamales to help her out and come back home. So we were on 6th and Grove and I was a little confused of where I was until I remembered that 6th take me to montclair so I went down the street so then I turn on my phone navigator to lead me to her street well it was doing a good job and I was going ... it had me go through Holt and I was driving down the street and then I see protesters "No a los Retenes" and I was a little confused until I see a huge light say have youro lisense ready, registration and insurance... it was a check point and for some reason I am always a little eerie of them and never go through them so I turned around. I have always had the luck to have enough time to turn back around. So I went down Ramona and into the  60 Freeway. I get off on Garey and turned on Franklin her street... well we saw a parked car in front of her house and we thought she had visitors but her lights were off so we didn't think much of it... we turned into the street passing her house so we can turn back and park... That car looked empty and so I pull right in front of it and then start backing up to park right in front since they can back up I didn't mind getting inches close to the car but then I see there was 2 men in the car and I thought it was weird because they weren't visible until then. I keep backing up next to the dark brown/ gray looking Wagon and I see then looking at her house and then looking at my mom's truck as it gets closer well all of a sudden I see a form a panic expression but they sped off as I got nearer. And I though why did they leave and felt weird but then I told my mom there was 2 men in there and she asked if in the car and I told her yes and at that moment they left and I just point for her to see but it was a little far. They had the lights off so I told my mom to car her so she was awake and we would go in really quick. My mom mentioned that she left a strong negative energy come from the speeding car... They come and open the gate and we asked if they knew about the car... They said it had been there for over an hour even as her 22 year old son came into the house they had been posted... Weird! I told them if they are ever suspicious call the cops... better be safe than sorry. But until now that car still worries me. She needs to be very care. I don't know why they ran... maybe because it was a dark black 4-runner looking car... were they scared... were they going to do something bad and we messed up their plan... We dont' know but I think it was a good thing we went over at the time we did...
Anyways, so then we go in and I was in her kitchen and she asks me, " ( It translate to are you craving sopes or in better way would you like some sopes)Se te antojan los sopes" and I looked at her weird immediately remembering when I was pregnant and went to her house because I was craving her sopes and I was going to tell her but I didn't have the guts to. So I told her no thank Danny is enough and no I am not pregnant again... which was a weird response... she scared me. I don't know why. So her son then asked me well that weird... so you don't want any?  I said Any what? Sopes... I was like she has some? He replied yes... so I was confused and finaly did get some but since I was just expecting the tamales... It was so weird... I was being defensive and standoffish... it was weird... But we had a good night right there... and right as we start leaving their house there i a shit load of cops every where... they are stopping people left right... and even as we were leaving there were just 3 cops there ... She does live in a bit isolated spot next to the cementary but it's a big street so I don't know... we yeah. Anyways I have to stat doing my hair now because otherwise I am never going to finish it alll...

right now I just feel like I just want a truck to run over me and I don't care... I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I just want to rest forever. My left kidney hurts and it bugging me... I am not thirsty and I am not hungry... I just don't have an appetite and I just feel a little weak... my eyes just want to sleep and sleep but I can't. Sadly... I haven't even had time to take a shower since either monday night or tuesday morning...frankly I don't remember. I know it's kind of gross but fuck it... life sometimes just happens to be like that. It's like I want to dress up and look nice but I just don't have time. These past 2 days I've been going to Lake Elsinore and doing a little bit of work through a person's house and I leave in the morning and come back in time to go to my aunt's house. I have no me time... or anything. I haven't really watched tv these last few days... Everything irritates me... and I know I am just snapping at people or I think so... but I don't know what i have. I'm just annoyed at every little thing. You know something that does worry me thogh is everybody that are going to go take my grandpa's body next. It makes me really sad that my sis is going to be in Mexico for Danny's b-day but oh well... I am sure they will all be back on friday night... saturday.... I don't know. I know right now we can't afford anything but still...

well sometimes things happen

Well, just as we thought that some things just are low and tight... Well I think my dad just got laid off... and the stupid thing is that he got hurt while working... I am actually really fucking mad about this. So Mad I can't even think straight. This only means it's time... I guess I have been doing jobs and  I get paid good at what I do but since there is always necessities... I would never save it up like in a pay check where they hold it and it accumulates. I don't know what to do.... I feel like this happening and my grandpa dying is really going to mess up with my dad... I have a feeling he's going to be depressed again and I don't like it when it's like that... I just want to scream... yeah, thanks life... kick him while he is even lower.... oh yeah and FUCK YOU!!

sigh...tired going to bed...
long day today and it's going to be a long day tomorrow...
work in Lake Elsinore...

Services are this Saturday December 6, 2008
Simpson Family Mortuary
1557 W. Baseline St.
San Bernardino, Ca 92411

5:00-5:30pm only family viewing
5:30-6:00pm all is welcomed
6:00pm -7:00pm Rosary
7:00-8:00pm Mass
8:00-9:00 Good-byes

SO I still haven't figured out what I am going to do... I still don't know what I want to say or need to say. We're having a rosary for my grandpa's death today. But, there is no surprised there because everytime we would go we would pray with him or for him.. I don't know. There is a lot on my mind but there is nothing that comes out. When he died I went blank. My mom told me and I teared up but I didn't cry. When I went over I cried very minimal. I did get to see him and well I prayed and gave thanks for relieving him of his pain. It was hard but I felt thankful and very peaceful...I don't know but we're leaving soon!

So I went and worked with the RSD and made phone calls and business.... maybe he's checking out to be his secretary but that would be great if it is and if not this part time it's ok...

a hard evening for all

Grandpa died at around 8:20-8:30pm last night December 1, 2008...
that is all for now...