Bros

I really do hate to say this... but sometimes I think I have the stupidest bros  in the world...even though I know there are worst out there. 

Wouldn't want to say this either but gonna anyways... if my bros don't go to war and die honorably there... they're probably going to be shot at in good ol' fontana. I don't know but out of both options sadly I prefer them dying doing a service for the country instead of some people shooting at them because they're too proud... they aren't even in a fucking gang and already having enemies... I know it's not them the ones with the enemies but if you have a friend with enemies that means you're an enemy... fucking bull shit but makes sense. Well good and bad for them is that the enemy of the enemy is actually a friend which helps but I am sure it wont help if one or both or the three of them whom we care about is done with....

I can't believe the lil town that brought us peace for such a long time has come to this... to think thatI was happy we weren't in SGV anymore... I grew up with some fear of drive-bys - some... and we lived in pure "g" territory and the rivals were always trying to roughen up the edges... 

I was hoping that the moves we had made would help some but God can protect them and put them at his mercy. He is the only one who can guide them... they're stubborn and stupid 18 year olds and there is nothing we can do... I guess when you put them to God it has gotten to the point where you know there is absolutely nothing you can do or anything you say will be words lost into thin air...

Are you serious?! OK

Ok so what's up with people thinking that I am fucking seeing their husbands... like they're so great or something... or like I can't g44t someone for my self. So today I received a message through FB from an old aquaintance and says that he's going to delete me bc since we live so close I guess (same city) and his wife is jealous and thinks he is seeing me bc of that. Ok, if she only knew that if it wasn't for the advice I gave him way back in the past she wouldn't be married to him or at least he would be miserable, it was annoying. Haven't seen him in person since high school, like year 2000... or something. So he said he needs to delete me but I can still message him... fuck that shit... I didn't message him... he always asked for advice... I've never have a need to talk to people that bad...
So I wrote,"yea, whatever, it doesn't bother me!"

What kind of a vibe do I give... I don't steal husbands and nor do I want to... I never have... and wow, if people knew my whole history they would take everything back. Or DO I look like a whore... wtf, seriously!!! How does Drama always follow me...  oh well... it's another bs lie so I continue with my life and let them live in their own misery bubble... I don't think unnecessary drama... that ain't even mine, it's their insecurity.

illusion

Even reality can be an illusion...
You're here by my side holding me,
caressing me,loving me,
talking me...
My time is all yours and you just disappear...
I am but left alone again wondering if those moments we had are real or nothing but a dream.
I have no tears,
I have no hopes but confusions from heart told disaster.
There is no settlement of whether your illusion is real or
all I've been having are sweet dreams that suddenly become nightmares when I wake.
Darling person like I've told them all...
I don't wait forever since I've realized it never comes but
I will be there.
I don't guarantee our paths with cross...
I don't know where i'll be tomorrow but but I will tell you that I will be here
But, darling not for you!

knowing me right now

Knowing everything that has happened... Right now if I had the chance to go back to January 9th 2002, wouldn't have picked up the phone... That call was the determining call that has put me where I'm at... Too bad no "taking back" right...? Oh fucking well but that's it...

I got you running thru my mind... Makes my days seem dull and my nights longer... This sucks! And the worse is you're prolly not 4 me! All I do is wait and wait with the hope for this to happen. What difference am I supposed to do to make it clear... I guess its one thing that shall never be realized.I know that nothing can break me although sometimes saddened but life has always continued and has never stopped for no one...what's makes you think you're any special.

uncertainty and random giberish

So lately I've been having my ups and downs but mainly downs... I'm not going to try and kill myself either... if I was I would have done it a long time ago... lol don't tempt me though...

It's weird because I think that there is a chance in life that wants me to be happy but the fear of me thinking I might be missnig out on something better is allowing me to almost be missing out that is right in front of me. I know how we always talk about someone we want to meet who makes us happy... and blah blah blah... cliche shit but what happens when you're been a dreamer for most of your life and a person who is actually trying to come into your so-call weird world is there but now you're unsure about how to let it come about happening. I am freaked out and I know people tell me to just let it happen... but I don't know... I am ready and have been... I've been seeing people have bf and they break up and continue their lives but I don't find all of that, that easy. We all know life is as easy as we  make out to be... so why are my brain and heart set out in different pages...

Sometimes I think I should just go and have sex and maybe everything will feel better but no it wont because I want soomeone there... willing to every single time I want or they want... it's idk know... I think it's come to the point... where I just want to give up on everything... you know just die alone so that I can't hurt inside or hurt them or something... I am not a person who easily can say no...

I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship and I am not happy, I wont know how to get out... I enjoy talking... and maybe even sit there without saying anything as long as there is a presence but I also hate being alone and the feeling of being alone as of a sudden... heart shattering... I know nobody is made of glass... so we can't physically break...  But I really don't think my heart cant deal with something like this... it actually hurts a lot right now... from the paseng back and forth... back and forth and all the thinking... endless dark tunnel of uncertainty... I just feel trapped in the cage waiting for the day I will be set free but when they come .... I prefer my lil cage because I already know its safe...

I know I am not giving my self much hope for improvement... and I can pull out excuses and lies like no other just to maintain the illusion of my perfect lil world but I am not happy anyways so why do I stay? I don't know how to break out...

Well it's not that I don't know bc I know I'm given the opportunity but it's more like I'm stuck in between both these worlds. I want to give it a chance and then I think I might be missing an opportunity... No one is disposable and I surely don't want to be disposable either... so it's something I really have to think about.

I need a therapist... If I wouldn't have stopped in college maybe I would be so much better...

I know I ramble on and on... but I am hoping that as I type I will somehow have some sort of an epiphany and my mind clears and I will be completely and utterly happy...

What are the chances of that... maybe willing the lottery twice will be more likely, lol!!!

Sometimes I wish I can know what I was going to be doing 6-12 months from now... just for a day so I would be able to put my mind at ease... and then I think... that would make me more miserable...

So random...  I am going to stop before some goes crazy and it will probably be me...but I know a couple of people who would benefit from this... lol... k done!

happy

I have to say I am happy again! I let it be... cleared my mind and well honestly it worked because contacted me today and we talked and skyped...it's nice... The other days were a bit weird... but I don't know since we've been talking he always says "hey, mama" and so I got use to it and it was weird when he didn't use them the other day but idk. Anyways, today was nice... it's funny because he calls me babe now too ... not use to all those pet names or baby... but what ever... That's what you get when you talk to a guy who was a jock or popular in HS... yeah go figures right... the nerdy band girl eventually dates a jock... hilarious... by the way not dating or relationship status but I enjoy talking to him a lot. He does make me smile and I don't quite know why. I still need too wait... though... I've seen how everything always ends... or happens. I told him to go to sleep bc he worked at 4am. So he told me to bbm him when I woke up to remind him to watch the game. Now my biggest or only concern of the matter is why he went through a divorce... like what happened in that relationship. I don't know how to ask him... I mean I wanna know  if it had something to do with him or idk... but it's something that's been on my mine. I know he has full custody of his lil girl bc he took her away when the girl tried to go for what he is worth... So I know that says a lot about a person but he preferred being a single dad and taking care of his daughter after all... so idk. I guess time will tell ... but feeling happy, excited, and sleepy all at once! *sigh*  ... lol

Nice evening after all

You know what? Even though I am so tired which is mainly or probably due to my toothache we ended up having a nice evening together. Although, one of my brothers was missing but he always seems to find more importance in others rather than his immediate family which is whatever. But my dad came home and we finished fixing dinner and all ate together and then we all played Wii it was actually kind of fun all playing together and taking turns. The best part was that my dad kicked ass in the game. He was better than all of us! 

ranting of my boring life!

I've been thinking and thinking... and doing some more thinking... and thinking, thinking, thinking... So it's not that I am weird... I think... they like surprises... it always happens when you give 'em something they want and they start loosing communication. But, that's  the thing... sometimes I feel bipolar... I feel so happy and wonderful one day and literally the next day I feel like crap. I hate waiting... the only reason why I wait is because I wait doing everything first and even if I were initiate I still have to f*cking wait... wtf! So, the main issue here is patience... I can't have it! I want something, I want it now... I feel like I am throwing a tantrum to my self but the thing is I can't give it to my self. I would have it if I could... I hate buying gifts early bc I need to show it to them the minute I did. I don't have patience with new relationship... bc I don't know... But I can't jump into things bc it'll ruin things too... So I am f*cked! I know this is so childish but this is why I am not in a relationship. I can't deal with the crap of in between... or the uncertainty of having to wait to find out if maybe he liked you or maybe he just wants to be friends.  You know what I need an action to react to... maybe I should go out on a date... there's an action I haven't had since 2004! And you know what... I am moody right now... you wanna know why. My molar is broken and hurting like there's a hole in it... I am sure another f*cking piece just broke and I am trying to pull it out from the inside... made my self bleed which surprising makes it hurt less... but now it's irritated and I am irritated...that I can't get it out... I just wished it kept bleeding... f*ck!  When I pull the lil part inside makes my cheek kind of numb... my gum there is pulsating...

And it's been a few days since I've gotten to talk to B and I am annoyed bc he at least would make me smile and even though I've had a few great days everything just seems so dull... wtf! You see why I hate all of this. I didn't want him to do that and for the first 2 weeks... he pretty much talked to me every day... he would initiate and I started more towards the end...but I told him to have patience with me and now I am impatient. It would have been so much easier if you know... talk a couple of days... or one day... then a few days off... sort of thing... When I start talking to people in the sense that I actually enjoyed the conversation I wish it would happen more often. But how interesting can a person really be right? We all get tired of seeing the same people everyday... talking to them everyday... I mean it happens to me... the first few days I was annoyed that he was sending messages so much all day... literally! And now... nothing well not nothing.... I did say happy father's day and he said thank... and then I said have a good say so he said "I will" but I guess I am being stupid and ranting about bull shit mainly bc my tooth is hurting and I am fucking annoyed that my dad aint here yet and I asked if we were going to make something and no on decided and now I am hungry and pissy, and if I eat I am going to irritate my mouth more... every sound gets to me right now... I think I am getting a headache....
If I find something .... I'll write about it... but this should be an interesting week... if I don't see him this week by wednesday... well... idk if wednesday evening is not so prroductive or intriguingly interesting... jumping off a cliff....


Sorry, this might just be temporary until I go stab my self with a f*cking knife in that stupid tooth!
Have a nice day and Happy Father's day! =D  =/  =(  

What does my forehead say..

Funny and awkward at times how things happen but you actually want them to happen it all falls apart... Iff it all would have worked but it was playing in the past it must just have been fine and dandy.

Ok, so there is the guy that I have like for quite some time who is probably oblivious to it or just prefers being friends, idk. I try but not hard enough to make it awkward or so obvious but I know how it can get for people to get over things.Maybe sometimes friends are just friends no matter what... What ever! My mom when I was little always told me it's better when you go for a guy who likes you more than you like him. She says that if we like them more at the beginning more than often we'll end up hurt... But don't know if those rules apply to life nowadays. Besides maybe when a girl innitiates a convo or something eventually they have a right or a choice to reciprocate the feelings or not. I mean we don't wait for ever...

Now, B is really sweet. He is. I guess he is thee guy that might actually try... who knows but who ultimately can have a fight in all of this. I enjoy talking to him. He was always known to be one of those jock kind of guys... or sort of player type but I don't know the way he talks to me is different. And I guess I can't start talking to people think of who they were until I know who they have become. We all change in the years...And even though  it's been a good 2 1/2 years since we last really talked... we'll see... Things are never complicated we just try and make them that way.

Alright and to the high light of the day. Like about almost a year I was I was sort of talking to this guy... not as in talking but you know... he has or had this fantasy that we would have a fling or I don't know. The funny and weird thing is that they find me weirdness the most appealing... idk. Every single guy in my life has said that that was one of the features that attracted them to me...Anyways, It was just going to be a sexual fantasy or whatever that he thought would be something interesting... and well I agreed sure why not. He was the most straight forward about the whole situation and was never embarrassed to talk about anything. He said back them that he would be the in between guy until we both or one found someone... yeah... but unfortunately or fortunately... I don't know. We were finally suppose to meet oh so many months back but it never happened. And he change his whole profile and deleted everybody... I was okay with it... I don't care...so today I saw that an old friend had added him or rather that he accepted her request. So i decided to send him a message remembering of how his business had been blossoming and a congratulations... you know ...a random hi. And I was quite amazed he was actually online or maybe like me he received his messages on his phone. But he said things are good and ask how I was... sent me his new number and told me to text today! and then proceeded to ask me what I was doing later. Told him I was good but that I was heading home from F city to AV since i'd moved and he asked if I moved alone. So I explained a lil which he probably didn't care anyways...He was more interested in knowing if I was going to be there around 7-9 which was when he supposedly got out of work. Told him no... I had been in town since morning.... and guess what he told me... "well i think you should consider coming down tomorrow late" hahaha.... ooohhh so sexy to be told what to do... by some kid 4 years younger... lol... but still appealing though in a weird way. I mean there is no x factor there is only that... a hook up ok... leave right... well at least that is what I think I understand. So I told him that I wasn't going to be around until wednesday which I will be done late... and he says... "hmm wednesday! geez so far from now. but i suppose" .... yea I suppose... his answer was to be like if I sent him a message so he would have sex with me or something... "I suppose" ...lol!  People are weird and I guess I appeal to weird people because I am weird?

Do I really have some sign that says... Oh please! I haven't had sex in ages... fuck me now! ... and that is for some few or a sign saying... oh yeah I don't like dating... please Fuck off!...

Do I really?

I don't know what's going to happen next week....
But at this point I am really not surprised at anything... I use to send this guy texts way back when... but this time I'll let him come to me... it's only right! I like the pursuit but I enjoy doing it too...
Never in my right mind would I have thought that a simple... hey how are ya doing ... would amount to hey... tonight... and he never said it but it was implied.... so surprised he didn't ask me for pictures... but I guess that will be Wednesday... lol...

Well so many things can change up to that day... besides I can do what ever the fuck I want... Not committed to any one, not any one's lady or gf... what ever... only time will tell...

maybe I'm not confused... just confused...complicated

So things are now kind of complicated but not. I feel a little stuck in between walls but I am not. I might start liking him but I also think of someone else. My head tells me to give him a chance and then my heart doesn't respond but I am a little scared. I don't know in which form he is really talking to me yet? He blows me kisses and says that he misses me. He talks to me pretty much everyday so he is trying extra hard I would say. He has a lil 4-yr old daughter which I don't mind I mean I have Danny right? For the time being he is at his parents... I think he moved back in when he got the lil girl in his custody but not sure. I had asked him where his lil girl was and he said sleeping in her own room  and so I asked how many rooms their house had and he said 5. I told him that he lived in a pretty big house so he makes a come back with "Plenty of room for you and Danny." See it's those kinds of comments which confuse me... He is an extra extra busy guy working his regular job and then has his producing music on the side so I know he will get to travel quite a bit but what I asked him was "Why does he kind of like me?" and he says " I don't kind, I like you. I love different and that's what you are in a good way"... Yea, I know people always seem to like me because I am different and weird. "A dork" like he eloquently put it last nigh... I guess the other reason is that I have never been the type that he seems he would go out with... and that was my main concern but I guess maybe that's what he is looking for... change... I can tell you I have him half figured out... I think. I know I have always been harder in understand or read my signals... that's why unless you're a little more forward then you wouldn't know how I feel. I haven't told him I like him but he does make me smile so I don't know. I've been thinking for days... that if somebody stepped up to the plate... but nvm ... see this is why things are sometimes so complicated... girls start getting people and it seems like it's going to go well and then we wish somebody would do or would have done the same thing. wtf... and you know what it's us who make things so freaking complicated... stupid brains sometimes need to stop thinking... We get something we want in our life and we question it? If I asked the question no doubt someone would  say hey try it... you have nothing to loose ( but myself), you can get happiness... I've been stuck at home for so many years helping and helping that if it happened that i left... the parents would struggle but I guess that's a part of life no? But, I guess what I am worried about is whether he wants long term... or not...see there are guys who already have a plan in mind or think they do. But then he makes comments like he has enough room for me and Danny... and well he says he does like me... I mean when its just a whatever there is just attraction, no? I don't know... Last night, we were talking and he said something and he said he would take me out to a nice diner and a concert... I told him I don't really care for concerts... and he said well not a concert but with orchestra and stuff... so I said a symphony... and he said yea. so I asked him if he had ever gone to any and he said 6 times in the last year which I was quite impressed... I think when he mentioned that it made me like him a tad more. I'm not a music freak... I mean I've seen my share of concert since I was a music major but I love them and enjoy them a lot. And he likes them too... not many guys would admit or much less want to take a girl to one of those... Either he's starting to figure me out pretty good or we might actually have things in common. I guess we'll see what happens in the next few weeks... I don't know... I think the hardest part which he realizes was that I use to live down the street pretty much and now I live a whole town over, lol, at least a good hour drive... I don't know... I guess just see what people do and how much motivation is driven ...

need translation... please!! it's a song interpretation

It's not that I am dumb or something but sometimes there are things that I am not exposed to too much so I am not sure if my interpretation is correct.

I read the lyrics and thought something and then actually heard the song and thought a little different...
Who can help me at what it means please!

JIM JONES FT. DIPSET HONEY DIP LYRICS

When I'm dippin on the grind I get my money quick
But sometimes I wanna lay up wit my honey dip
She be wit me cause she aint like all them other chicks
Let you hit, then she split, that's why I got a honey dip
From the club to the telly you know how it is
Most of the chicks I never tell em where a nigga live
Tryna reach me at my mansion or my mother crib
Hit my cell, hit my two, now I'm at my honey dips

[Verse 1: Jim Jones]
Yo we talked about 8, said I was comin thru to hit
Now its wee hours in the mornin and I'm drunker than a bitch
Stumblin and shit, I jumped up in the whip
Flipped open the horn like where's my honey dip
And bitch fuck ya man tonite, you know my steelo
Sizzurp wit the Cristal, the corners playin cee-lo
You see me well you jus smile you know we on the le-low
I'm whippin thru the town like we ballin up a key load
Huh, I'm tryna dip up in the tele
Dip up in the room, then dip up in her belly
Dip off on Pirelli's, Dip-Sets Fonzarelli
My white t-shirt, lookin dip up in my Pelle
Smokin weed up in the Range
Full speed left lane
Its me against the world, M.O.B. up in my vein
Wit another nigga girl, gettin low to give me brain
If the bitch about the cause you aint gotta spit no game

[Chorus]

[Verse 2: Jr Writer]
You know I'm lookin for a honey dip
But I'm no dummy, most these bunnies
are money hungry and lookin for a money clip
So after the brother hit
I'll tell a honey dip
She won't see a contact, address nor buddy list
I aint on some hubby shit
That lovey dovey shit its nuttin trick I'm suttin slick you couldn't get
enough of it
How a slugger jus slide up thru the check in
Wit that linin on the Wesson
Hundred diamonds on my neck and wrist shit
I'm rich bitch, rhymings my profession
Watch how I do this stupid grindin and perfectin
Who's flyer when I step in got em spyin every second, cause that 06
Charger remind em of a 7
Yes man I'm so fresh the pro mess wit bread honey
My jeans 800, these are called Red Munkey
The flossin is gone, come talk to a Don fly enough to belong on a
catwalk in Mulan.....holla

[Chorus]

[Verse 3: Juelz Santana]
I got me a lovely chick, I got me a slutty chick, I got em all, but my
favorite one is my honey dip
She get drunk wit me, roll the piff up wit me
Throw singles at other hoes in the strip club wit me
She do anything for jus one quicky
She a nympho chick
For this slow dick
She give no lip, she jus go get
The paper I ask her for, my bitch so quick
Plus she know every Santana song and she don't mind puttin the damn bandana on
Slap her ass tell her dance in this thong
She do it all for daddy
She move it all for daddy...Aye Aye
She get a brick and she boof it all for daddy
Hit the road shake the State Troopers off for daddy
And she bring all that paper back
No short paper back, she sure don't play wit that

Well it turns out that he does like me. I was a bit shock but I didn't think so. I don't know. We actually got to skype today and it was nice to talk to him. He is very flattering and the biggest flirt...And so I asked if he was crushing and he admitted that it's more than a crush. It's nice to be noticed  but I don't know. Why do I try and shut my self out. I know that I eventually have to give people a chance to try and come in. If I don't then how will I ever experience happiness, right. Maybe when he sees me again... he'll change his mind... People always expecting stuff and so easily. life's a bitch we we still gotta hang...

What does he want? Confused, friendship, sex or something more?

Guys and the same ones seem to go in and out of my life. It’s almost like we talk and things start rolling and then there is a disconnection and there they are a couple years later talking to me again. It’s mainly has happen with all of them but I am only going to talk about one this time. The good and bad thing is that my web pages are always a start to find me. I don’t keep any of my stuff unattended even  if every once in a while I can’t blog/write  or go on it physically but I get everything on my phone. Love technology!

It’s so freaking weird. It’s almost as if  after a long time they remembered there was something about me… Maybe that’s why I should thank God that I haven’t been with or dated many guy. So I was talking to this guy over 2 ½ years ago. We talked  on and off for like over a year. And the day we had finally gotten the time together we had sex. It was one occurrence and to be honest it was the first time that we had gotten together and the first time that I had been with a person other than my son’s father.   After that occurred I freaked out and didn’t k now what to do.  I cried for hours and drove for a long, long time. To make myself feel better and release everything I was feeling, I started saying it was a one night stand because well it happened once.  He called me the next week and kept calling and calling wanting to hang out and go out and stuff but I just pushed him away.  I really freaked out and I felt bad but at the moment all I wanted to do was run away and forget about it. Every time he would ask what I was going to do Friday, or Saturday or Sunday I would make an excuse…

Ok I was dumb and I was mean but I freaked out ok.

Fast forward to present time. Yesterday morning when I woke up with a friend request on FB and what ev right until I see it was him and I started to wonder … I felt bad because I really thought I hurt him for getting busy all of a sudden I just couldn’t come forward so like a coward I hid.  I honestly didn’t know what to think when I saw his request and started thinking . After a while of going in circles in my head  I accepted his request.

After I accepted I received a message, he asked how I was and then started the whole business deal.  He said he owns some record label and wanted to learn how to read music. A guy’s way trying to be nice… hire me to teach him music, clever right? He said he needed help and please. I am not one to really say no to people… he gave me his number and his blackberry pin… so I added him in my messenger and he messaged me once he accepted the request.  He said it was rather hard to explain over the so he asked for my number. Clever way to ask for my number, he needed to explain verbally. I would have easy typed it than talked, lol, but that’s just me.  I gave him my number but told him not to call me for a couple of hours. He called and we talked about what he wants to do. It sounds like he is really doing for himself which is awesome for him.  After we hung up he messaged me that he missed me.   So I came forward and asked him… wait why are you really contacting me to really teach you or for something else? He said music so I was ok. I started to worry… not worry but you know, well kind of freak out.

He brought up the incident that happened way back when and said he was sorry.  And well I had the opportunity to apologize to. He said he thought he did something wrong where I was hurt or pushed away so I pushed him away. I told him I was sorry for it… it was tough for me. He told me that I was the best he has ever had until now no girl has been as special to him as me. And I told him but we only got together once. And he explained that I meant a lot to him then and I still mean a lot to him now…  I don’t know right so much for only business… when he keeps bringing up stuff and flirting with me. I can handle the flirting but I told him if I feel uncomfortable or nervous around him I won’t be able to teach him.

I find it really awesome that people trust me and know I can get a job done especially if they want to learn something. I am flattered that he thought of me to help him out but sometimes I wonder if it’s a good idea. When we were talking about everything that happened way back then… it was like a confusion of emotions running through my blood. I felt ease for the apologies but I felt a small open wound talking about it a bit. I was a little scared with like a weird empty stomach feeling… yet I was a little happy that everything got straightened. He even explain that he didn’t speak to me because he didn’t know how I would have reacted but since we’re older and more mature now things could be different.  I liked something he told me. He said he understood my world… so I asked how my world and he told me that what was in my mind couldn’t be easily changed, like I stand my ground on my thoughts.  I don’t know if he is going to want me to teach him or not but I gave him the price and that the class is one a week starting from the basics. I am going to be strict as possible because for me a job is a job and I am serious about it.  It’s so confusing though. He also send me some pictured of himself, one plain and then he sends kisses my way … idk. I know this isn’t complicated but it kind of is. I just hope I can teach him music fast.

I know this is going to be weird. Or I just hope this isn’t a sex thing because right now I am not ready to be open or too available emotionally. I keep myself out pretty darn well but when I do let go something always happens and I feel hurt. I don’t want to go through this right now. I am barely starting to be ok on my own with nothing holding me back. I finally feel freedom to go and do as I please.  And I am saying that something will happen between us because it probably won’t but what if it does… and then I end up in the middle of the desert again? I guess I jump too much into conclusions but if I didn’t my mind would ramble and I would go insane. I guess we’ll see what happens…

Strictly music concepts and basic theory… 

Have you had a life defining moment? An event that changed your direction or focus. What happened?

The biggest and most defying moment in my life where I had to change all my college habits... from a bit of smoking, drinking and partying... and with an occasional hit was my very unplanned pregnancy. Well I mean my focus to finish school didn't change but it sure did make it a bit hard to double major how I wanted to. I originally wanted to be a BA music major and a psych major but I ended dropping my psych since most of my music one was already finished. During the pregnancy I was great; had the ability to focus on school work since I mainly felt ditched by all my friends but it's not their fault it was mine. Why did they have to give everything up like I did... I  mainly imprisioned myself until the end of the pregnancy. After that with living back home, commuting, all homework, classes, extra curricular activities I would leave at 8am... have a small break in between where I would do some homework and be back home by 10pm where I would take over for my new born and do homework... and and feed him his every 3 hrs and sleep from 2-5 and back to the same routine... In retrospect, some bad choices were made but overall it kept me going through all bad... I finished graduated and I spend most of my time with him now with my teaching music privately as a part time.

  
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Would you rather have your dream job or dream man/woman? Why?

I think I would rather have a dream job. Guys will always comes  and go especially if the interest do not coincide. A dream job is so hard to find that I think I would rather have a job and love what I do than have to worry about that supposed dream guy. A guy can have everything I ever dreamed but there is always a flaw. At least if I am stable on my own to feet a person is bound to come in my life, maybe. And if not then I am sure having my dream job with a happy kid would be more than enough.

  
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If you had an hour to live and could make one phone call, who would it be to, what would you say?

Honestly, if I had one hour left I know I don't have to call family because they all know what they have to do... I wouldd probably leave a note in my room for my sis so she can dispose of some stuff, lol but back to the phone call. The last call I could make in my last hour would be to my son's dad's wife. I would call him so I know he wouldn't answer and why waste a call on a 50/50 chance. I would call her and talk to her a bit and thank her for everything but ask her to remind every once in a while the dad about Danny and that he needs to see his dad every once in a while. I think that would mainly be all...

To me that would be the most important issue on my mind before whatever happened...

  
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interesting ending of May I have to say....

My 2nd cousin, but since we all grew up together we're closer than it sounds but our cousin she seems to have problems keeping her children while in pregnancy. Her first child was a super premie and thank God he survive. He is now 14 months old, Justin Matthew. This past May she had the misfortune to give birth to another super premie baby boy, Byron Angel-Gabriel. Unfortunately, by the time the baby was actually born his lil heart had stopped, he didn't make it.   My cousin did her job as a mother and had a proper burial for the lil baby. Even though he was so lil he was already taking the resemblance features and looked very much like his uncles. It was a  very humble ceremony and we know he is now in the heavens. The worst part and the hardest for her besides loosing this little child she could have had in her arms was she lost him on Mother's Day.  I cannot imagine the loss of a child you were expecting and waiting for to warm up your life even more but even though I don't know the pain I know I felt the heart-ache they were feeling. A baby is a life and therefore a precious life.

Which brings me to my brother.... We may have had lost a baby in the family but I guess there is a make-up on that. So we found out well most that my brother got his girlfriend pregnant. She is 2  months 1 week and now 2 days. The girl is 19 and my bro  turns 18  on the 15th of June... I guess when things happen, they happen. It will surely give him the stop to stop judging. Although  it saddens me, I was hoping he would be able to work first enjoy a little more time and then learn his life lesson but I guess this will do. He has always been a very picky person who wants it his way and always criticizes us and and me because Danny is a little wild at times. But it's obvious that he doesn't remember when he was his age. Children need freedom we all know "boys will be boys". I mean I am excited for the new baby and so that I wont be the only one with a baby but it will give him the opportunity to do all he says he will do with his kids when he has some. Especially, since he says that I don't beat, or punish mine. I don't think that a child learns well that way and I think he will learn that soon enough. A child changes our life so much.