ok, so I thought that by now I would be all better and prancing around but for me unfortunately I am still sick. And to my misfortune Danny woke up sick yesterday morning. Well last night was total chaos because he just was not comfortable and he had me walking all over the house.  I know he finally told me to lay down on the couch(at liek 4 or 5 am) in the living room and he climbed up and we fell asleep. Well I woke soon after but I guess he just needed a cooler place for a while. I picked him up and went to the room to wake up an hour later to put my clothes to dry and knock out for another hour to wake up and get ready for work. I canceled my lessons for today and tuesday. I don't know if I am going in to work on tuesday yet but I was told today that I am still getting paid as if I went, so YAY me! But I am jury duty tuesday so that should be fun!

It still sucks. I am just as sick or even more sick than I was... grr....

I am so mad... I am sick!  My head is just unbearable, I can't breath, I sneeze all the time, I just want to sleep but I can't. My throat hurts a lot, my coughing almost makes me want to cry and I have to go to work tomorrow. I have to go to the DMV and fix  things for my car, I need to take Danny for a physical, I need my car back... fuck! I need more money. I just need to pay back my school loans... Shit man! it's a mother fuckin bottomless pit and that is not even counting everything else from last year that is still there... I need another J_O_B!!!

So it is very weird. Everyday I am having more and more dreams of Art. They are so many I can't even keep track of them. I just wake up and I just remember a tad bit but not even enough to write about them. How odd. Also in the last few days I have been drooling an awful lot and I do not understand why. It's just been a weird week. But also it made me a little sad to know that he call ana but makes sense and it doesn't matter. I know he loves her but I guess somewhere down deep I just wished he would think of me more even though I don't want him. I just like talking to him. I have been thinking of him more but I miss him less. I care about his well being but I know he is ok. I am just ok he is ok and far away. I don't know why. I just feel at peace. Can it be because I see him every night in my dreams? Maybe. Or that the dreams are just communicating to him? I don't know, well yeah. I know this is a scatter plot.  so yeah!

So it was quite interesting because yesterday when I got home my mother told me," La clinica medica familiar llamo y dijo que no fueste a tu appointment" and I was like what. Last time I went for a check up was in november and  my mother knew about that and they would call oh so many months later. I asked her what time they called and she said like in the early evening but to my dismay there was number from them only house and cell numbers in which had nothing to do with me. I don't know if they pranked call or what was going on. I kept on interrogating my my mom because I found it odd. I asked the time, if it was a girl and if she recognized the voice. She told me it was a girl and the voice sounded a bit familiar but she couldn't pin it down on a face. Oh well... that was really odd. And the worse thing that made me even more suspicious was that they DR. I go to has my cell number and they cannot call my house because it violates the privacy act that I signed for them. So if anything I can maybe sue them for violating my rights... oops on their parts... What ever...

Today was a nice day except for the fact that I woke up with a sore throat and now my left side hurts and I don't know why. It like taunting me or something, it a small pulsing pain... Oh well hopes it goes away :D Well today was a dull day of course with nothing to do, well I baby sat this little girl for a small while which wasn't bad. Tomorrow back to work but the only difference is that tomorrow I am official working on the clock. YAY! I at least now that my time sheet is due March 15 and well I guess I get paid a couple week later... *sigh* of relief. Although I was disappointed  today because I went online to see if they had posted the CBEST results as they had claimed they were going to be posted by the 20th but then when I went on it said not until the 25th. That was a bummer, I mean the official scores are mailed on the 29th so not much of a difference. I guess I have to wait to see that I didn't pass anyways... Well hopefully this pain goes away and well anything goes alright. I have been a pessimistic person all my life, I guess it's time to change that and think a little positive. I can't be negative my whole life. Well as it seems everything turned out for the best when I was very pessimistic, not in the middle like I've lived for years but I don't know. Life always has a weird way of making everything work. Although we always complain at home it kind of feels nice at times. We started praying 2 days ago and it felt a little relieving. I can't say I like to do it all the time but right now that we are all doing it as a family and Danny is picking up some of those customs it makes me complete inside. It's so cute because Danny tries to do the cross... Also for a couple of weeks now I have really come down on his potty training and I have to say I am happy that he is telling us more often that he has to go potty although he forgets more than he tells us. Well it start almost when he had just turned one, because he started giving us hints and well I took them and would take him but for some reason they stopped for a while but I guess is a lot more ready now.  I don't know I guess I am kind of happy right now, I don't have much to complain about and if I do the good outweighs the bad for now.

Good times, Good times... although I do miss a lot of my friends. It just seems like we have parted so much. I know I have never felt in but I just don't feel like I have them much anymore. I sometimes wonder if it's true or if it's my imagination. I know I can't ask these questions, it's stupid. I know I have them there if I need them or at least their parents would help. I don't know, sometimes I just over analyze things and I do that way too much! But you know what some of my other friends I don't mind that we don't talk as much as we are as close or closer sometimes. I wonder why it bugs me of some and not of others. What must be my perception of a friend and now can their distance make a difference if we all have our lives, right. Well now that I think about it it must be that I really try with some and they just will not try back while others I just know that when we talk we understand and help each other out. I guess it's the outcome of when we are united that makes the most sense. I mean I miss them all but I just feel neglected from others and sometimes that makes me real sad. You know the thought of becoming lonely for good like I was my eight grade here. I sometimes think of how this town has become my little prison but the thing that it gave me were inmates and now they are all going free and I still remain in my own bitter life. I guess I have always been destined to have what I have. And it's not that I am depressed because I am not. Depression is one thing anybody, including yourself can identify. And I know what it feels like before and trust sometimes I just wish I can cry to feel something. This empty happiness sometimes just doesn't cut it for my daily life. I'll be honest, it's FUCKING boring. I play with Danny and that gives me some satisfaction but not what I need. I just don't have anybody my age to hang out with. I would love to go to the movies, vegas, baseball games, basketball games, fuck even football games... I just need to get out. Ever since danny was born I was thrown back home to never get out. My mom asks"why don't you have a boyfriend" and gee I just want to respond well because you wont watch Danny to give me a minute for myself. I had opportunities a few times and I just blew them off. I know I could have tried harder but it always consist of having to lie to my parents and I get to fucking fed up of always having to feed them lies. It's so god damn easy to lie to them or just make an excuse for anything I get bored with life. Sometimes I just make up a phony excuse I am going to the store just to leave and breath. Everybody is always asking what I am going to do later on, if I am going to go somewhere, just anything. If I say I don't know well their comeback then is where are you going, with you? what time because I want YOU to take me somewhere. I have no life but being a fucking chauffeur, and being whinned about why I don't give money when I am not receiving money. Geez, people. Give me a fucking break... I am working on it all. Soon I'll have enough money for my loans and hopefully to move out and then I could figure out something... I NEED OUT! I just need to leave California for a while. It will do me a lot of good, a lot. Maybe Oregon, I heard it's nice out there or well many have suggested that I go up north, they say it's my kind of place and that I would love it! Well I will see... Maybe that is what I need a break from everything and everyone. Maybe just me and Danny, maybe.  I don't know....time, close time will tell all...

So I am a little tired but finally happy that I "start working" on thursday well officially. Dang going just drains me. I am so tired today I want to go to sleep...  I think I have to go wash and I am doing some rearranging. Well I took down all the pictures I had threw alway the things I used to hold them up, not the frames and put them all in boxes. I didn't do that do all of them but well most of them. I only kept so far me and Danny and well just the most recent ones... Need new pictures... so cold, so tired and I want to go to Minnesota for a long ass vacation... maybe live there. I need to leave for real. I have nothing here and I am sure there are better things out. I don't know, something will come up real soon!!

Just another day... I just put Danny to put for his daily nap. And I woke up not too early but not too late but ready for washing and taking care of business... It's a nice day, the sun is out yet it feels a little chilly outside. The is the best day for me. Today is a good day... thanks! Tomorrow, work and I am hoping it shall be another good day as long as the other half of the kids pay...haha! Man, so I need money. I am tired of hearing the creditor call... I need to fix that asap... I wish I would win lotto, pay it all off and if I am back to square one it would be ok because I at least wouldn't have the debt that's been burdening my everyday... Funny thing is that I at least know that I will be ok in 10 years but it sad to think of it in that way because by then I will have accumulated more debt if I go back to school at I so claim I will. Sometimes I think school was a waste of time then I start thinking and realize that it wasn't. So far it has been a slow start and if I would have been a music teacher like I started out majoring in I would have been teaching somewhere but I took a different route. And although I am always criticized by this person I know I am better doing what I like and I will slowly start getting money. People are making it and what if I just don't want to work hard for little money when I know I could do better. I am not going to settle for less than nothing knowing of the potential we all have. Right now I earn $10 an hour for a while, I guess it's not a bad start but it's only twice a week but then I am going to get paid for being band assistant which I will get paid a lump sum... and on top of that I am teaching private lesson there to. I have 3 jobs in one which I do twice a week. I think it's not too bad... I enjoy all of them and the best part is that 2 of the jobs are paid by the district of Fontana and the other one the kids pay. For me Life isn't better than that although the hard part will be when I will have to start looking for another job if I didn't pass my CBEST. To be honest I am a little nervous to see what my score was. When I left that testing facility  9 days ago I was so confidant I will well and I was happy. I had time to look over my work until tuesday and I went to work. I paraphrased the questions to an the english teacher I work for and we started discussing what I wrote about and then we came to a realization that those writing prompts were a little difficult and I may have not answered them in full as they might have wanted. I am anxious to find out so I can sign up and take it again or start applying to be a substitute. Although a little nervous, I am still keeping my fingers crossed!!!

Well yesterday was an alright day. It was my sis's b-day and it was nice. I finally bought an memory card for my camara because my other one went corrupt... but yeah. Evening was alright with the exception of a jerk but nothing new about that. Well my sis's celebration continues today and since last saturday. My mom made her delicious posole because my sister wanted but yeah.

Well this thursday is my official day that I will be working for FUSD. which is nice because it gives me hope for my first pay check from them. I ask least know that I will get 2 checks of the same time for the both jobs I do :D ... they will be nice, no doubt about it... but sadly but it's only a temp job... but it's fine because now that I am in the district I can qualify for those other jobs that I couldn't get into before... YAY!

close to you

Why do birds

Suddenly appear?

Everytime you are near

Just like me

They long to be

Close to you



Why do stars

Fall down from the sky?

Everytime you walk by

Just like me

They long to be

Close to you



(*) on the day that you were born

The angels got together and decided

To create a dream come true

So they sprinkled moondust in your hair

Of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue



(**) that is why all the girls in town

Follow you all around

Just like me

They long to be

Close to you



Repeat (*)

Repeat (**)



Just like me

They long to be

Close to you



Woo... close to you...

~The Carpenters


This is how I feel... although so far away and no one to hear
I say this to myself. When I am near you I just feel the song coming alive
just as it did to Homer the first time he saw Marge. I know our paths may have
been close to cross at one point in our lives but realistically I know they will never
come that close again. *sigh* This is one of those songs that makes me just so happy
I cry of sadness... yeah, so happy I get sad...

Well I can't say that yesterday felt anything like valentine's day except for the fact that I saw so many men buying chocolate and flowers for who I would assume would be their wife... hehe. Although I am not to complain I don't care I don't get anything or even more on the fact that I don't have someone special. I mean I guess now, I find it sweet to see couples... it's cute but then I think at they newly bf/gf so they are making each other happy or a more mature couple and then I think I wonder what problems they have at home that we don't see... I just figured that my life is so much easier just being me and Danny, seriously. Some might think that as negative or positive, I don't know but that is that. Right now I am just happy and why shouldn't I be everything is finally looking up and falling into place. And all I have to say is,"It's about god damn time!"...

I wish you all love

<I wish you love>
I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love.
by Rachael Yamagata.... movie PRIME
Well here it is again... Valentine's day! Although I do not hope the same joy that many others whole I can say that I wish them all happiness. I cannot say that I am happy all the time but it's true that I am only happy for everyone. I know what I have and what I don't have it's only a cause of me. I see many people running happy and holding hands and at points I just stand there and think that I want the same thing and I just hope for someone but then I realize that in reality I am not willing to do the work to find that one special, it's not worth not for me right now. I don't know of anybody understands but I know everybody has their problems and issues. I mean I have seen the most perfect family and couple break in my eyes of disillusion. I can happen to all and that makes me realize just so many things about life. I am not afraid to love but I am not easily convince that they are worthy of my time. See I have learn to realize that my time is very valuable and it shouldn't just be handed to anybody. Sure, there is always one person that regardless I would but just the same I think and I fall back into my routine of living life. With finally being official in the Fontana School District on Thursday Feb. 21, I am happy because I will finally get paid but all that I endured to get to that point... :( I am just busy enough to spend time at home with Danny and my family. And that is just it, you can say I am just a tamed kitten who wants to stay home and relax with everyone. I love going to movies and spending time with friends but I prefer not spending the money on that and just cook for everyone. Love cooking, a small hobby I love to do for others. I don't know if I cook well but people eat it so I am happy... well... yeah! I'll probably to be too tired after work tomorrow to think it's the day dedicated to L-O-V-E...

Man, I am so tired today... long day at school! Well not my school but a whole lot of reading essays, grading some english tests, grading math and then teaching some lessons... exhausted. May not seem like much but mentally draining for sure... no doubt. And, yet, although I get tired I still like it better than many other jobs I have ever had. Oh yeah, so I took my CBEST on saturday and I finished it with an hour to spare and although I left so confident from the testing area, I am beginning to have my doubts now especially in the essays parts... oh well! I guess if anything I'll just do that section over!

oh yeah, another thing that makes me so happy is that Danny is in his second step of being potty trained!! I remember for a while he would just tell us after he had already gone but now he is telling up before he needs to go of course not all the time yet but he is starting to realize it feels uncomfortable which is very good...  Yay, for Danny!

Well everything is better. My parents are gone until sunday afternoon and I am here stuck which I don't mind with all the yelling. My sister's birthday  is on February 16th  and so she will finally be 21 ...YAY, for her! Although that didn't stop her from going all out on her 20th birthday!  But this year it seems as though she will having having her small together this weekend saturday while my parents are gone but i guess it's her choice. Yes, my parents know and they weren't too happy but knew that she would do it anyways. I guess we'll see what happens... I am guess now I am a chaperon but a drunk one, lol. I don't know yet but I am not planning on staying sober but who knows what they weekend will bring. Overall, mood?mellow!

Well I feel a lot better. I figured that I might as well look for my self now and not depend on others for the hope that I am not guaranteed. I have made myself happy and why ruin that by any little thing in my life. There is more to happiness than to loose those around you. Sure at one point they can make you happy but in many occasions they are also the ones who break you. And no I am not going to allow people break me that easily anymore.... I have learned a lot seeing my self through your eyes... there are many things that I know I can't forgive myself. Sadly, I have said that there are no regrets but unlike many people I do some regrets and although I know I can't change them and my life consists of many what ifs my life is just that, my life. I don't torture my self thinking of things that use to break me but rather just don't let them get to me. Although, I am going to deny that I don't like chick flick but I do and you know why? Just for the fact that I love to cry every once in a while and no I am not ashamed to admit it but I hate people seeing me cry. I do admit that all my friends have seen me cry in my most vulnerable times but that was it, it was one of the times I my immunity was gone and couldn't help it. But now, it's all about how I can be my self but just enough for you to know that I am me, and nothing else. Sure I can explain my personality and how I feel and way I was brought up but that can be for another day. I know that I am always looked at in many different eyes and I can't change. I learned that whether I am who I am or who I am pretend to be people will look at me that same and there is nothing I can do about it... oh well... but let's just say I am happy...

I was talking to Nestor... he was on AIM and I just wanted to know what happened... someday we'll just look at this and laugh. Well I hope!

The saddest day...

Well after a long realization I have come to find out the meaning of friendship...
"Don't worry about the people in your past; there's a reason they didn't make it to your future"
I have to get to know the meaning of this quote just last night. There have been many friends of mind that I admire for they are smart, talented, and very strongly opinionated but then I guess I have loss some friends I was not aware were gone.  Last night I was a friend on aim and decided to talk to him because it had been a long time since I talked to him and he never use to write to me well he answered to my surprise. We were talking and then I got serious and asked him if I would ask him a question. He of course said, "k." So I proceeded and asked him how angry he was when they found out I was pregnant and well he said that he was not angry but very upset. So I asked him is upset enough to stop being my friend and loose respect but he said that neither. Well that at least made me happy that he still had some respect for me. But I continued to ask him why things changed so much, why we didn't talk and why they never spent time with me when I was in school. Well I sure got my answer, he said that well they 1. didn't know how to act around me. So I asked, "Didn't you guys think that all I wanted was to treated the same?" and he responded that things were different and that they couldn't. I use to be so lonely in my room and the few second they would stop by I use to to get happy but they would soon leave. I told him that I just needed them and he said that he didn't know. He said someday you will "find someone" and they will make you happy. I told, " I don't need someone, I need my friends back." That was all I wanted to have them back... and he said that things changed and there was nothing he could do about it. Some day I will find "someone"...as in singular. I felt so rejected and segregated from them.  After having this conversation I started to make more connections with friends... I have come to realize that most of the friends I thought I had aren't there. I was relying on  stump next to me and when I turn to see what is holding me up, nothing is there and I fall. Last night was the worst feeling in world to think that I thought I had these great friends that I didn't think they gave up on me but they did over 2 years ago. A hard realization.

I wrote an away message, "I only get what I deserve! I am sorry to many. Things happened and unfortunately I can't take them back but you guys were always a ray of sunshine that use to help lead me in my days of need and solitude. Now I have nothing but my thoughts. I am sorry I am sorry I betrayed your friendship in any way. I hope that someday you will all forgive me and hopefully look at me the same way you once did, with that gleam in your eye." apologizing for not being what I once was. I know I could never be it and I will never be the same as much as I try to go and chill with them... I feel bit of a cold shoulder. In my wet pillow I just wanted to blame my son's father but I just couldn't blame him and I can't blame my former friends either. I obviously did something to offend them and loose respect enough for them to try and stay away as much as possible. Last night was the loneliest night in the world. I hadn't cried myself to sleep like that in months... and I was thinking to think that I was finally beginning to put everything in the right position and beginning to be happy to then find out that I am once again alone and unsheltered. Through all my hard times and days of unhappiness I knew I would count on them but now, I don't know what to do. Last night I cried  my self to sleep and woke up with swollen eyes and I just can't stop... is it back to paper and the drawing board. I told him all I want is my friends back, that's all I want. I can't have them back..."Los illegales" broken by me...  The saddest day of my life. You know it's just so hard to have your heart so sure of the happiness it holds and then from one day to the day to find out your were living in this lie and have nothing. It's the second time it has happened but I didn't think that loosing a friend or friends feels like a break up. I guess I only get what I deserve and obviously I guess it's time I pull out of my safe zone. All my friends have so many friends outside of us and I only have them... they meant the world to me but they have others and I only have them... now I guess like he said I must find someone who understands me, I can't rely on this safe zone that no longer applies to me... My question now is who is my friend and who can I go and cry on their shoulder... Everybody has a limit and now I feel like I have no one... Are they all acquaintances? I use to pride myself in thinking that I had best friends but no I am a loner again just like the day I step foot in Fontana. I guess I am too idealistic...  I'll come back later to write and probably repeat the same things as it feels good ... to get over it and move on. Who needs people who don't need you back... well I do but I guess I don't...

Wow, I have to say my dreams are just amazing... most are so sci-fi... i love them. With the dream I had last time I just wish I could keep going. Location: a hospital I don't know what I was doing there but I know that I was hiding from people. There was someone else and we had a mission we were suppose to complete unfortunately the first half of my dream is vague and can't remember. Although I do remember that we were being almost cornered and so I went into a room and there was a girl who had just had a check up so I told her to leave without making it obvious somebody else was in there.  She walk out and somebody just look a peek at the room but I hid behind the door. I knew I couldn't stay there much longer so I had to make a run for it well my friend obviously thought the same thing so she ran and when I did they spotted me and shot me in the head. But I didn't die, it was like one of those lazor gus that melts but of your head sort of thing, so I just laid there on the floor. And the guy who shot me was Christopher McDonald. My dad found me twitching there on the floor and knew that he had to get a doctor to help. The all the doctor said that I was ok and there was nothing he could do. Specially since those guys were there. Well my dad talked to the doctor and he said that it would cost like $5000 but they had to pay up front. My dad arranged it but I then was able to say something and I didn't want to go through with it knowing that the mission was to kill me... so I wait around so a while hiding behind patients and family so I wouldn't be spotted knowing I would only be able to move slightly. Well my dad convinced me to go through with it but we were walking out of the hospital and it was 8pm so we had to go through the ER. We went and told them we had just stepped out and that I was suppose to have the operation almost at that time and he said sit your name is on the list so it's an hour wait. We were waiting and my dad was helping me... when there was like a few minutes left I saw Christopher McDonald looking for me so I took my dad to take me to another hospital where they wouldn't be looking for me... we walk out just the two of us and walk down and start walking on the side of the gate but on the side walk. Then I tell my dad that he at least needs to inform the family so he leaves to tell him and leaves me behind... I just lay there looking as I am next to a mushy greenish, brown ground well it was a swamp that appeared out of no where. Well then I saw this creature who was talking to me... his feet were eating. One of the foot's (head) was green and the other orange. Well my dad came back and saw the little creatures feet and tied them for some reason. Then the little creature began to bleed and my dad was stained with blood... They saw my had taking me and the little creature told the bad guys that he had killed me and now there was suppose to be a search for him... Weird oh and somwhere between when I was hiding and walking around the hospital when I was ok I saw Cindy and her family and talked to them until I had to go back in hiding... it was a cool dream although when I woke up my head felt so weird almost numb, I was almost afraid to wake up and it not be a dream, lol. But it's a weird dream to explain, you had to be there for all the excitement.

Ok anyways so today I went to this quiceanera and is was super cold it was packed with people and couldn't do anything. Besides I was sinking into the ground because my boots... I was not aware it was going to be at a house until I got there. For the amount of people that went, the temperature there should have rented a place for the day... I mean seriously. Anyways, when it was getting late there was people that were getting there and a group of guys got there and I noticed that one just kept looking and I wanted to put his face somewhere because although he didn't look familiar there was something about him. Well I kept of minding my own business and then a few minutes later my mom came by with a guy next to her. Well it's her Godson as well but I was looking at him trying to put faces and I guess my mom notice's me in thought that she asked, "No te acuerdas quien es?" and I lept thinking until the name Javier popped out and my mom was like yeah. He shook my hand curtiously and we talked for a while. I mean it had been like what ? At least  10 years or more from my knowledge. I asked him was he was doing after high school and he just said work. I guess higher ed is not for everybody but we talked and then he was like, "Do you remember when we use to play?" I of course said yes although there was no specific memory only of them terrorizing my sister and me. But I guess those are the memories that we all get. It was nice to get to see him after so many years, gosh man.

So yeah, today was a good day specially since it started well with my dream! :D I have realized that I only dream when I am well rested. There was only been a couple days this week in which I didn't dream but overall I have to say I am very happy and pleased. So I have been thinking of a lot and I am actually quite happy that lent has come so early. I am already thinking of what I am going to give up so I can get away from bad habits. Last year they really helped specially the movie thing. I am now more conscience when I am looking at movies. It just helped so much. I have this image in me that is crying to be seen. It's a picture that I can't get out, I can't draw it and it's hard to explain, although it doesn't bug me it gives me a little of hope. I am now just waiting for the perfect cue.  As we all pretty much know that our lives are lead but "cause and effect" it's just a web of continuous actions and reactions going forward.  I don't know but I think of my self and I think of this ideal. It's weird because I have always lived in this dream world which is obviously to ideal to what life really is which probably explains why I was always so down about life. All that I have known to make me happy has never existed but now I think it is time to make the dream world a reality. It's the only way it can work and it can all come into place. I see everybody having fun and traveling while I am imprison my self and I know that I can't escape even if I wanted to for a minute the guilt for kill me not to mention the thought about imprisoning others. I just sometimes wished that I would just take the weekend and leave or even more be invited to do more things but it's all known: well she can't come, she'll say no, or not even thought of. How much I use to dream of just taking off for a while no questions asked and relax and chill but no! I can't. I can't leave without mentioning what I am going to do, where I am going or even with who. I just feel like I am trapped in this box in which I need a ticket to breath for a second but only a second because a second is too long for everybody to let me relax. Oh how are you? , can I help you?, would you like to just leave for the weekend and not worry just rest and relax... NEVER! It's mostly I need you to take me here, I need you to do this, pay for this, etc... Are you going to be long but I thought you were going to take me here. Let's go I need to be here right now. What about everybody getting their own fucking car and learning how to drive and leave me the fuck alone. I just want to stay home and not have to go to a stupid quinceaanera, wedding, party unless I want to. Everybody has their own friends why am I the one who has to be everywhere.  Man I could almost guess that as soon as I have my own place I am going to stay away from some people for a while so I can breath and relax and just worry about my priorities not everybody else's. I don't give a fuck what you need, learn to do it your self... once I am gone, I am gone and I don't want to hear anybody's problems. I dealt with mine and I am fine so can they.  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  I just have the hope that everything will get better. That is my ultimate happiness for me not to have to depend on no one, my parents, family, siblings, baby's daddy NO ONE! just ME! Plain ol' simple me. I don't even want a relationship until I know that I can do it all my self. Then I will be self fulfilled  and if for any reason anything happens I  can just continue my miserable little life without dealing with the thgouht of failure because I need some one else's help. I know I jump around too much but it's the way I need it to come out. Just write, write, and write...  Sometimes I scream and I just feel the sensation in my chest but my mouth doesn't open , and no sound comes out. I would love to one day go deep in mountains with some one so that they can teach me how to scream, how to let it out that way... something different in which I have never known how to express the best way. I keep all those feeling within even when I write, I write but the rage, the anger stays inside.... I need help! But I know I will help my self soon enough. The time is approaching. I am glad it is and it's the best way and the best time. You're coming and that is all I feel, it's growing, we'll see what it is... ?? Don't know yet but it should be a huge impact to my life! I am waiting ... Well that's it for now, I guess I have to sleep since I need to be up for church at 8am... 6:30am AHHH! too early, lol oh well!

I feel very strange today, rather moody if you might say but more sad than anything else. I just want to cry and let it out so I can be happy once more.  I don't know what is wrong with me but sometimes I feel like nothing means anything anymore. There is still something out there that I am waiting for and for some reason I do not know what or how to obtain it. Well I know that there is one person who I crave attention from but I just bring my hopes up. Since Freshmen year in college when we would spend a lot of time together I just knew it. And the sad part is that some where in my heart the thought of letting that go from me would be just loosing hope in life. Ever since I declared my fascination towards him my sophmore year, to the shame I felt when I confess I was pregnant, to his response "I was scared too..." It's like I just think of him every single day and everything reminds me of him. Someone proposed to me to tell him and I truly wish I could and I would love to but I know better. People say, "What is there too loose?" I guess if we weren't meant to be friends after all the awkward, strange encounters we've had we wouldn't be any more. It quite hilarious  we were at a new years party and well he was a little drunk and I was  there too, you know not really controlling what I say but trying my best knowing our history. Well my friend's mother was a little tipsy but I love her to death and we were all in the kitchen and she just came up to us and just kept asking, "I don't know why you two never became boyfriend and girlfriend. You guys would have the cutest babies." I was quite shocked being put in a tight stop like that. I mean I use to think that as well...lol but not really he is just sweet. His first comback to that question was that I was his God-sister which obviously means nothing because his parents are my confirmation Godparents, and then I mentioned looking into his eyes, drunkingly, "It wouldn't work out, we are friends"... I saw the expression of doubt in his eyes and understood it was not the right thing but we went by it... then a few of my friend's mother's girlfriends started talking to us about just hooking and not having a title and we both said that it wasn't right and the friendship would be at jeopardy but they explained that some of them hooked up with their friends and the friendship was stronger. Obviously we had stronger respect for each other than to agree with that but we did agree that it probably worked for them.
It's interesting because even the ex tells me that I am going to end up getting married to this guy and God only knows that I know I would be the happiest girl in the world but deep down I know it's almost unlikely. I mean not only is he musically incline, he is one of the smartest people I have met and he loves sports. He has everything including the fact that is sweet and he one that makes me believe that chivalry still exist only when I see him. For a while we would go to mass on sunday mornings and it would be nice because we would both dress up, he would pick me up and then go...man how I miss being in college. It's one of those times that takes me back to 1998 and think what would have happened if we never moved to Fontana... I never met such great, intelligent people because I do have to say that my friends are gold! I mean our parties may not have the greatest party atmosphere but when we are together we have fun... what can I say we are nerds like that but that is what I love about it. We all enjoy music but we enjoy being with one another more and just hang out and play guitar here, rock band, DDR, karaoke....  I wouldn't be anything without them and that is a very strong feeling and a true and honest expression. If I would have never have suck to to them like a leach I would have never experience the wonders of wanting to do more academically.  Walking to school and walking home the highlight of my everyday in high until my junior year when I wasn't allowed to walk home anymore... my confusion my junior years and being suck in walls... the life I've had and yet nothing's changed. The need to join a hard class just so that he would help me out, it being his major and all. All I can say is that he is one of my heroes, I admire and look at to him more than anybody else I know, literally! And you know why this dream can never be? Because I know that he knows that our friends know that we both know that I know (this is a put down but the truth) I am not good enough. You might look at him and not think much but with everything he is, he worth all that he can get. I could wish him the best in everything he does for the admiration I hold for him will never change unless he becomes a total jerk...
well not really... All he needs a nice, beautiful, smart, girl with no baby. A well rounded off girl just like him ... well life is life.

I don't know why I felt like I needed to let it out a little. Maybe it's right, it's time to let go of it all completely but I know I have told myself this any times. It's hard because I somehow get attached even when there is no attachment and I end up hurting my self. I don't know how I do this... I am so dumb. I am telling you  I haven't cried since like 3 months ago and here I am sobbing like a broken faucet. This is the cause and effect of nostalgia, the worst sickness there is... the quick sand of all the thoughts. The thought of remorse for not doing something more that would have changed things before you were stupid even to get pregnant and never again learn the meaning of true freedom and happiness unless accompanied.  To never again set one foot forth unless a tiny shadow behind you closely follows  yet to be 2 yet not yet fulfilled with the commitment you have set forth in your journey of life... Can it be to invasive if I say, " I love you!" haha of course, of course I know , I know... One day I will get over myself... My tumultuous  needs of letting it all out in hope that every one yet no one will find out how I think or feel in this world. There have been few to crack this brain and heart but still many lack the comprehension needed to know how one keeps a dark, deep hidden heart from those she loves to feel worthy of some cause..

oh well what ever... who needs anybody anyways. They are only there to weaken you and compromise who you are ... I was a real strange one, I finally completely grasped on that fact, that I became a different person. I compromised who I was and sadly I did not become aware of completely until over six years later when I have methods of comparison... although now I realize that my uniqueness was shadowed by completely insecurity and and the longing to tear my heart out... maybe that was why I fell so in love at one point because what defined my weirdness was no longer needed to mask what I didn't have, it wasn't important... spring was...
I have learned that the little things mean so much more to me than anything else... how is your day? How are you? Would you like me to cook for you? How about a massage? I know that I as a girl wouldn't mind serving be, not that I want to put women back a few decades, I mean I love that I can have a job and work and have my own money but love to give and be rewarded... His happiness will aways be my happiness no matter what... even as it's been in the past, just learn to cope with things and move on...

So how about that for blaberring  about nothing for quite some time... It feels good to just let it out. I am no longer leaking from the eyes... such a weird feeling to be broken for a little while in time, haha! Happiness and the end of the yellow road hear I come!!!