Do you play any musical instruments? What do you play?

Ooh... Well I primarily play Clarinet which I have been playing for like 14 years now. I also played sax through out high school and taught my brother how to play it so I still can. I play Piano as well so like 6-7 years.
And well in college we were taking a lot of ear training so we had to do a lot of singing. I still remember when we did a quartet and the teacher complimented us. She said we sounded like a baber shop. Our notes were dead on... best compliment from a teacher that barely saw me in class... hated going and surprisingly passed.


  
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Do you think you act your age? If not, how old do you act?

Well I don't know. Sometimes I feel as I though I act a little too immature. I tend to feel young but I know as years pass I am not as young as I feel. I still feel as though I was 19-20 but it can't be I am too out of the loop. So if I am not acting too young for my age I am acting older than my age. But, I probably act 30 at times with all the responsibilities I have.

  
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Do you donate blood? Why or why not?

 I actually like donating blood. I don't know why but I started doing it at 17 in high school when it was permitted and continued thorough out college until I found out I was pregnant. They didn't allow me to do it then but I did try. Sadly I haven't been able to do it since then but I am tempted to go to a blood bank. Why I do it? Well I know there are a lot of people that need blood and there are car accident everywhere and everyday. I mean having an O+ isn't the rarest blood but people sure can benefit from it since it's the monority all blood types can receive I believe except O- which my mom has.  My son has B+ so he would be ok but I would be able to receive from my mom. Donating blood just makes me feel like it's what I have to do as person to help others. It's almost as my civic duty to donate. Well, I at least feel that way.

  
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Have you ever had a bad experience with a roommate? How did you deal with the problem?

I did. I thought my first College roommate was going to be sweet. I spoke to her once over the phone prior to moving in. I was a freshman and she was a sophmore. So I was living in the room a week before we moved in. Well everything seemed ok. She was nice and she shared for fridge and microwave I was even invited to go eat with her and her friends a few times. Well times became tough because I didn't like her soon after and wanted to switch roomates. If I could have I would have by 2nd semester. She would always have friends over and watch tv loud and she would have a lot of boys or maybe I just felt very uncomfortable being in there with boys she had just met. At one point I was working on my computer doing an assignment and I had my ear phones on with music well it was awkward because she was on her bed with her new boyfriend (Marine) she had met in a club and well yeah it was awkward so I left the room and went to the lobby. I was in the lobby and I wanted to go back to the room but I couldn't. Well I felt I couldn't so I ended up sleeping in the couch downstairs and didn't finish my homework. Also, one time I briefly opened the blinds so I can do my make-up and she flipped. She said that it was rude to open the blinds when she was sleeping that she didn't have to be up for another hour and blah blah blah. Well I had to be up I have 8am class and well the sweetmates were in the restroom so you can imagine. Well that was bad... so soonly after she became a bitch literally. So she started waking up at 6am and she would get up and get ready in a loud manner and god forbid I wuold do that. Then she would turn on a blender at 6am in the room almost right next to my bed. It almsot became to the point that we would avoid being in the room at the same time and if we were we would never talk or even face each other. There was a point in time were none of her friends wanted to hang out with her or something so she was a loner. I tthink I invited her once and well luckily for me she said no. But, I really felt bad because she was a social little butterfly... and a blond party freak. Not that I have anything wrong with her being blond it was that she was a little rasist and her last boyfriend was too... her first boyfriend and prolly high school sweetheart was really nice but anyways. I think the one kind thing that she did for me was one time I was crying my eyes out ... I believe it was the break-up in april or may I can't remember 2004.  That night I cried so much... and I saw it in her eyes that she felt the pain I was going through. She puts on How to Loose a Guy in 10 days I cry some more and relax.

Oh yeah I remember when I was about to Pledge for SAI. Bid morning I know they went knocking on the door at like 5am that morning and I did not hear that knock to save my life. She woke me up and said there were people for me... I didn't even know what was going on but I knew she was a little mad but I guess happy I would be busy and off her hair.  I was a really hard year for me to deal with but thankfully that was what led me to meet Ramiyah my next roomate and find another place to fit in. I was mad at her throughout college but then realized that I thanked her. I would never live with her again though. Ramiyah... you couldn't have to ask me twice.

  
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

What do you like to do when the weather is bad?

Well the worst that it gets here in Fontana... is the Santa Ana winds and rain... when it's raining I like to stay inside with my son and watch movies. When the wind is so strong at times I love to just stand outside and feel the breeze!

  
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Why do you practice your chosen religion? If you don't observe one, why not?

Why do I practice mt religion. Well, the first reason is that I was brought up with it. I am a Roman Catholic and sure for a long time I found it to have no meaning and I was feeling empty. Like many people went through the motions and almost decided I was going to leave the practice because for some reason my ex had  helped me realize that religion was meaningless and sins were nothing wrong but as I started distancing my self I ended up getting closer to God and well I confessed it all. I was lacking the faith and well without faith you have nothing. When I confessed I felt an ease and an enlightenment; I felt closer to God. And although I was trying to get away for a while I never left going to church but I wouldn't do communion.  I go to mass every Sunday with the rare exception but I like taking my son to mass. I think that as parents when we take them to mass and explain what is going to on in a way that isn't boring we end up bringing them with such Morals of a better person. At least I know that when I was growing up it helped me a lot through right and wrong and I don't believe to let the kids grow up and let them set theirs. I think that if we bring them up the right way when they do have a choice they will choose the right path, of course I don't believe any religion is wrong but I would never change mine.

  
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

So there is another possibility for another MS CD... I should have started asking earlier. But I guess I started with the obvious friends and now that I have started asking more I have found that other friends have it too. I don't know but for some reason I am starting to feel enlightened in a one way or another. It's almost like for obvious reasons for a moment in life I feel like every door is closing and I am trap like the saying in spanish goes, " entre la espada y la pared" in between the spade and the wall but then when everything is falling in it's own way it gets quickly better and it's fixed. Danny was sick a few days ago not allowing me to sleep and now I am once again sick and the stupid thing is that I am not suppose to get sick I had the flu shot and I am a little sick again. But, everything is starting to light up again. I am still feeling positive. It seems as though I am going to my SAI Alumni meeting on Feb 13th, Then on the 20th I am going to be in that LA Convention center then the following weekend I am suppose to go to Vegas then the next weekend another party. In March I know I am going to be busy a little. Well I have to help plan the county rally with the RSD, and I am also going to Long Beach to represent our Alumni association. BUt, I also want us to plan a trip to Scottsdale, Arizona to take that Cosmetics class once more. It's so much and I want to do it all. Actually i am going to do it all. Hmm... I know it may not seem like a lot but there are so many things to prepare for them all especially money and it makes it a little hard... We'll see how this turns out. And I also need to pay my dues to be active in the Sigma Alpha Iota alumni association.

I have been hoping that since this opportunity is coming knocking on my door I need to take advantage. I know I am super, super, super busy doing everything i do not get get to spend all the time i love at home but I am going to have to make room to have that job. I know this one would be a for sure income that I so desperately need. I know I shouldn't have let the opportunity of getting the job in San Francisco but the fear and sadness that came over me was more than the possibility of having hope away from everyone. Because I know that if I left to San Francisco I would have left Danny behind for a while until everything was ok but I didn't dare talking to the person. And, if I would have gotten the job it would have been good. I guess it can pay off off knowing people who their daughters was good connections. I don't know but I am hoping that at least one will keep from going crazy or go crazy from overwhelming myself with work. Because until now everything I am doing is a lot of work and almost no pay but I am happy what i do...

It seems as though the job I had been putting off for some time has come back to hunt me. Well not in a bad way. I think I am going to try and get a job translating somewhere. I don't know where yet but I know it might require driving which I don't mind doing especially if I am going to get paid. It seems as though they also might be flexible which my schedule that I have working in the Fontana School District, specially since I have to be at Kaiser wednesdays, thursdays, and fridays right after school. I think I would be able to work 31 hours. If I work 31 hours, plus I keep doing my private lesson (job 2 kids pay), then I also do Sectionals( job 3 which FUSD) pays and then I do the other work on the side(job 4)... mind you none of them pay too well and they all require and emense amount of time but I don't mind. I am tired working just the number 4 and next week I start doing lessons, sections, and woodwind ensemble. Just thinking about it I find no time for me. I also have to work on my resume so I can apply for the job. Well I am not worried at all. I was told that it's an easy job and I guess it helps if you know someone in. Or better if you know someone that knows someone... hahaha... Well I just hope that in a couple months I am not back here typing... "well it seems as though I didn't get the job..." I need to start paying my school loans... Those are the worst thing to put off and it has been a mistake to but I have no money... jeez... I hope I can resolve it all. See, I think that through out everything God is blessing me and I know that times are hard but I am glad that the door is opening pretty well this year. I hope it keeps going as well as it has so far.

So the disk didn't work so I still have to go to the office in Norco to finish the project but it should just be a piece of cake. And my dad didn't like the picture we decided for the night one so he picked another and I guess we are going to use it for the presentation.

Night Make-up


So I we picked one and so he doesn't feel out of the loop we let him pick one. The Lady said it was up to me what pictures but we were going to have to use the takes from yesterday because they're better. I don't know, I just follow orders and do it all as quickly as I can. :D

So most of the slide show is done... *sigh* and I found a friend who has microsoft office but she was taking a while and I was getting a little Anxy... anxious and so I went and downloaded a free trial for Microsoft Office 2007 but it doesn't allow me to do anything so I uninstalled it and luckily for me my friend just texted me and told me she found it. I just wanted to finish it today but I know it always doesn't work the way we want it. It hard at times... You know. Not enough sleep, don't get to spend time much time at home or always on driving and almost only gas money to do it all. I know it's a little tight right now but I am hoping that it will all pay off at the end. God knows what he does. I know I can't post a power point here but I think it is turning out pretty good. I am quite proud although I am proud. 

ok, so right now my mission has been to find Microsoft Office. Well primarily because I need to do or actually finish a powerpoint presentation that will be given in Los Angeles. Well, I did the presentation but it's a competition for some one else. Well I just did it and she is going to present it. It's a make-up presentation so there have been many pictures and trying to put all her points together. Granted the make-up was on me. But, it has kept me very busy the last 2 days. But, the final date to turn it in is tomorrow and it should have been two days ago but since she was just old yesterday it was almost imposble.

This was on Jan. 27, 2007

Day Make-up


Night Make-up


But, she wasn't too satisfied so we did a retake today. So we're going to replace those with these next ones that she liked.

Day Make-up
 

Night Make-up


The night make-up almost looks the same it's just that this time she a little a little something with my hair and I put on my Concert dress that I use to use. This dress sure has been worth every penny.

The day make is a little different. The colors change but I guess there has to be a difference. I don't know how I feel about them but she seems to like them.

Just got home from the lil birthday party. Danny had a blast and well it was relaxing. It's time to start putting our Feb/ beg of March partying... Can't wait to get away for a couple of weekends and feb and party in march. A few relaxing days with nothing in mind...

Lately I have been so busy so I haven't had time to update much. Well so far things have been busy and at times stressful and with the flow of money not coming in... you know... not fun! Well, Danny is starting to eat even better especially since once a week he goes to a babysitter. So now he barely asks for his bottle which is good because the sooner he is off of that stupid thing then the potty training will be complete almost as it was last year in February before he was sick with Pneumonia. The only thing that sucks was that when he got sick he didn't want to continue the potty training but it makes me so mad he chooses not to say anything because as soon as he is done going to the restroom he tells me "change the diaper mom"... but I think he is starting to come around. I think he is progressing and the bottle thing is going to be gone. So it's been a little slow but when he out he's out... You know what he told me a few days ago.... he told me, " mom, I wanna dance" It was so funny because we've been watching Americas best dance crew, step up 2, you got serve, stomp the yard...you know etc. But he has been working really hard at doing a head stand and let me tell you he is very close to accomplishing it. He jumps off our couch lands and immediately tumble... It's just funny... I am starting to enjoy it so much. Also, He's come and sit at my computer and  just sit for a while. Sometimes I just open the notepad and let him type. It's cute... 

So it's done... I will be working at Kaiser on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays... You know what makes me happy now. It's that even though I have been so broke for for like ever. Well I mean I am still broke as fuck I at least  have the certainty that my Social Security has been worked all this year. My biggest worry is that it hadn't and it seems like something. But, thankfully Mr. Allmond put me down in the District roster. Well it seems as though there are going to be ups and downs but I guess that is a part of life. I don't know but although I think that this year might be better economically some issues will arise. I don't exactly know but sometimes I get this weird feeling something is going to happen. I  try not to think about it but it's unavoidable at times.

They finally found out what the main problem is in my laptop. It's something with the main board or mother board. So I guess they are changing that and then my computer should be doing great. Although, one more thing needs replacing the Ac cord adapter.
 
 Danny broke it the day after my lap top wouldn't turn on. I am shopping around... It costs $49 everywhere. I can't find it cheaper anywhere online well not original so it'll be worth it. The fixing of the main board will be $160 and  I know it seems like a lot of money well to me but I know it will be worth it besides I think it's cheap for what they're doing, I think.
 


Well I was told it should be ready by not this Monday, so I guess the 26th. So that's not having my precious lap top for 20 days without function. Ever since I got it I have never spent that much time without but the weird thing was that this time although I was worried because I had no computer to work with I had given up the idea. Now I am going have my desk top and I am going to have my lap top... double. If the lap top is fixed better than ever I am going to start saving for the a mac... But... it's wonderful how God is blessing us when we least expect it. It's like they say give and you shall receive. I am helping and I know in return my work is appreciated.

My weeks... now

So, I finally know the meaning of a winding now weekend. As of right now it looks like this:

Monday: Morning meeting 10am-noon then help out
Tuesday: Internet class-Norco (1pm-3pm) then possible music lessons (3:30-5pm)
Kaiser HS
Wednesday: Evening Meeting Riverside(7:00-9:00pm)
Thursday: Lessons (3:00-5:00)
Friday: Norco Office in the morning
Saturday: Sonya Make-up class (10:00-noon)

*I need to figure out when I am going to do the woodwind ensemble coaching... maybe on Wednesday after school...

* I also need to do sectionals which I can probably do on Friday after school...

So on top of trying to help out and being a bit of an assistant, which I can do a lot of work at home, I have to make it work with the school job I guess I still have which I am very happy and excited about and add the sectionals. I am happy Mr. Allmond is giving me so much responsibility. Although the pay sucks I love teaching. And to put topping on that I am trying to build my own little business, which I know I am going to succeed. :D

This is going to be tough at times but it should work. right? This February I will be in the LA convention center for the weekend of the 21st and I am hoping that the plans are still to go to Vegas on the next February. I think the way things are now there is a possibility of a great year. I am very excited...

So, my lap top is going to cost $160 to repair and I am sure this is because it has a discount. My sister was able to give it to somebody and they took it in. I mean $160 is a lot of money but not when you have a computer that wouldn't turn on at all... I don't know but my lap top has been through a lot. Well mostly viruses... that's when you know it gets around....lol. But this computer I have now I need to take good care of it. It's fast but the boss man says it can go faster... that would be great! I might have another a printer in case I need to print something out for them and a fax machine. I have just created my little home office. I'm on the phone constantly and it seems like I have use 360 out of 450 mins. If this continues I might have to up those minutes but I don't want to. Although, I think this might be the first month that my phone isn't disconnected. If everything goes as planned I think I have every tool and potential to go forward. I don't know why but it seems more and more that this year will be great. I know it will have its ups and downs but what year doesn't.  But we'll see... Well just to think of how busy I am going to be these next 5 months, I kind of feel tired.

The good thing is that I am still a district employee which I am glad. So I know the band director is going to keep my job around until I no longer can do it but mean while I think I am ok with it. It doesn't pay much but the satisfaction of having taught kids certainly does. Little reward for a job well doner, right. And with this other little job I am doing right now it's the same. Little pay but a busy job. Almost and all day thing. I mean it really is. I already received the call this morning. So I am in charge of the office for a while well at least when all the ladies are in there...

So today I found out that I am going to be paid for last semester anyways. Yay! I didn't think I was going to get paid teaching the sectonals. So I guess I am still a Fontana Unified School District employee... Well and I spoke to mr. Allmond today and I am going to start doing lesson probably not next week but that week after that. And I need to push the progress fast. I noticed one of my formal students ask me today and I excitedly said yes. He was a student who improved quickly and paid on time. Well This years looks great afterall...

Many thing in my mind seem to be roaming in and out... I guess at times I like to over analyze things but I do realize that at times I read too much into things but other time I don't read into them as much as I should. You know what I have started to want to do? I want to be able to live a life with the least cares in the world. I know this might incline a separation of opinions but that is that point. To this point in my life, my life is what you call 2-faced... I know many like to or love to believe that they are not 2-faced but it's all a lie. I am not going to lie about it because it's true for everyone. As much as we try to be equally the same with all it's impossible. There might be things you say you have never done but there might be someone or others that know and catch people in their lies but oh well right. We all know we can't always tell people the truth. The funny thing is that I don't always want to know the truth either. I like figuring things out on my own. I love the thrill... keeping it to my self... I am sure sometimes I have questions so I ask, logically right? When we have doubts we ask... The weird thing about getting the truth from me is that I truly feel guilty if I don't give it. Sadly, through out the years I had to learn to lie, sometimes it's unsafe to lead a completely honest life, you would disappoint so many people, right? Until now I can say that the last 2 years of my life are almost completely mine. I hold my secrets... not burdens within. For a while I had things haunt me but like many people we learn how to forgive and be forgotten. I let that be my freedom, my escape while I return to reality. Sometimes it's so hard because in my head I am yelling screaming the truth and out comes that stupid little protected lie. Why? I mean most of the time I don't have anything to cover so it wouldn't affect me, or would it? It's like this: - a perfect example- many it's fear but anyways- So, I know I drive a lot when i do and at times I see there are cop check points and I know I have everything in good stand but I just can't seem to be able to go straight. I know every single time I get out of it some how. It's like a quick reaction to flee but I don't have anything to hide. I have insurance, a license and my registration. So, why can it be that with it all being okay and no warrants for me I flee... and to my luck I don't have issues getting out. Sometimes I feel bad because at times a guilt I should feel, I feel nothing for... no emotion. There is times I feel nothing not sadness, nor happiness and I am just moving with the regular motions of everybody's needs... I need something to self fulfill and I don't have anything empty in my heart and I don't need anything or anyone to complete me because I am whole... but it's coming...

Well I actually do not have to choose... everything is just fine and dandy... I can't believe after a week of desperation and feeling lost and confused while being a little bombarded... it all paid off to be okay. I know there are times in life where we do not know where to turn or the doubt if we turn to someone will they lend a hand. At times, the people you least expect are the ones to help you out the most. And then those who least expect start coming back. I don't know if I should start cheering now but This year has already had a tough beginning with an awesome follow-up week. I don't know but I am excited. I think by this year's end we'll be a lot better in every way possible.
You know this year for me almost feels like that little dream that every little girl has -to fulfill her dreams. I don't know there are many times where I have my doubts but I know it's time to put those aside and concentrate. We need to make this the year we move up. It's the year we must forget about everything and everyone who is just dangling in the shadows... We need to make this year be the one.

In these last few weeks I think there has been a lot of change in my attitude. There has also been a lot of change in the communication I have with people as well. Let's see in the 2008 year... I was being called, "Senora" which just means equivalent to "Mrs." but tell me, when hear older women and men call you a "Mrs" or "senora" doesn't that make you feel older. It's almost a downer if you know what I mean.... I was feeling quite low because of it. And then I started changing things... the first thing I changed my attitude which subconsciously it's the first thing people start to notice. I also started began wearing my all natural make-up. You know how much a few things change the whole picture... I am being call "senorita" or "miss" and let me tell you that feels great... going from feeling older to young again is the best feeling in the world, well to me... I mean it's hard enough to be only 23 and being called a "senora" and now I turned 24 and I am a "senorita."  I don't know exactly... but I also noticed more things changing. Which I am trying to work at... and it's a lady's thing because sometime we unknowingly put that "F*** off" sign or signal and well that is enough to notice. It's a sign most married women have because they are happily married to their husband. But if there are too many issues the sign starts wearing down and that's when men start hitting on you because they sense your unhappiness... Well single women have the excitement feeling or yearning to be in a relationship... men don't but in order to any way into a girl they kind of have to risk the fact that they might start liking the girl. See what I have noticed in many guys is that they perceive themselves as confidant... some... which is a turn on for most women. They don't like to be seen as weak... so they do not like thinking about love. When they're in love it's a whole different story. But, why is it that guys feel having emotions is weak trait?  And the fact is that when guys are passionate about something like let's say sports... that passion is an emotion but it's not look down upon. The word emotion is crippling to them but why... Can they say, " I have this passion for this girl!" No... it's a very complicated subject... Why is it that men and woman - make emotions and feeling to hard to express? Why is it a weakness to love?

What should I do?

What should I do? I am stuck... well there are things I still need to figure out about the situation. But my boss let me borrow a computer yesterday. And today he asked me if I want to keep the computer or get money cash. See he said that he was going to give me like $150 for the few hours I have been working the last few days. But, he also said that if I decided I could keep the computer instead but I don't know if it's just for this time I have been working for him or if I am still going to have to work more for the computer. He said that the computer is worth around $350 but it's in very good condition. It's very fast. He told me that I do very good work and at a very fast pace. I mean I know that if I do not have a computer my work ability is very minimal. It hurt me not having a computer for a week. As soon as I got the computer I started pushing away and I think he noticed that when I have technology I do good with it...  I don't know I sent him an e-mail just early and asked about the time and how much longer but I don't know. I mean I am still willing to work with him and he already has people contact me for things that they need and I mean we are starting to set goal. I don't know but I am thinking I want the computer... It's like my prayers were answered. It's weird... I don't know how but it's great to have such a great person as a boss... I need people just don't give a computer away. Sure I do a lot of work for him but I do need to start working. Well on top of that today my brother told that the band director, Mr. Allmond asked for me... I think I might have my job again. That means more money. I don't know but it seems like even though I had a rough beginning it's starting to look up after all...I have a feeling this is going to be a great year and maybe even life changing... 

After finishing the Marketing plan in english last night.  Man and did it take me a long time to figure out the numbers and see the actual prices.  But once that was done I translated it to Spanish which at times wasn't an easy task. I just finished all my work including calling a few people to confirm their orders of tickets for the North American Rally. I love having a computer... in a work environment we are so much more efficient working and figuring things out. Now, Pretty soon I am going to start heading to go so some more work in Lake Elsinore so I can come back to go to tonight's meeting... At times going to all these meeting can be overwhelming but I am starting to like them in a sense. I like I am keeping busy and that was what I loved about being in school... always having somehing to keep me preoccupied...
I am making food for my mom so she can have some food in her tummy... and I am going to keep working from home, today. I am not going to Lake E afterall... It does please me because it means I get to save that gas for the trip later on tonight.

This past week there has been so many things on my mind. To even think that a couple of those nights I couldn't even sleep because dreams just kept waking me up. No, they weren't nightmares... they were just dreams. I don't know why... I usually cruise in my dreams and as the spectator... pretty much enjoy them whether bad or good but they are starting to get me involve and I guess that is the sort of uneasiness we get. I don't know. Man, I am so busy I don't have time to do anything. I can't even imagine if I actually had a full time job. I think I want to go back to school, I kind of miss it. But, then again I know that once I am in there I am going to regret it because I am going to have even less time for my self. You know what I am enjoying now... my time... my time away from home... Any few minutes I am out (by myself) are great. Don't get me wrong I love my son but it's time to start moving forward. It's time to release those little nails that have kept me riveted to my home. The is the one thing I have hated and love for the last 4 years... First, you can't do anything because you're pregnant...at first I thought this is great everybody does everything for me... and it was but then I wanted to do something and my friends never let me... then I had the baby even more restrictions and house bound... I couldn't enjoy a breather until I was at school or working... those were my breaks. Now I am 24 my son 3 and I am going to need a little freedom. See the hard part in my situation is that many don't understand that I have not been ALLOWED to ever be by myself pretty much. Well no but I could never leave the house unless I leave with my baby. So can you imagine going to a party with friends and with child. Not always the best atmosphere. It's not like my friends are bad because we are all nerds but when would I get a free minute... never. So this past New Year's I finally left by myself and left the baby at home... I relaxed... drank... and rested for a few hours while the buzz left and I was able to drive home. That night I felt so at peace... it was great! I almost remembered our crazy parties that we had in college... I think as moms we all deserve a little bit of free time every once in a while. And being a single mom although it sucks at times... I am happier I am free than being pressure by a male companion. I know we love them with all of our hearts and that is our choice but when you have a little freedom you see a lot of the drawbacks. See I don't consider my self single... because I am a single mother but because i do take into account my son a lot. So when i am asked I technically say no. I am not ready to be put into another weakening situation where I have no more outs... I am taking control of it all... it doesn't matter. But I put in my hands what I want and need and mt responsibilities... but I will not be the only who will be enforced that right either...

This has been a hell of a week...

So on January 6th I woke up and  well my phone didn't work and my computer wouldn't turn on. To think that  I had worked all the night before and saved everything and was preparing for more work for wednesday and there it wouldn't turn on... all my work lost.

The next day it was my birthday and well it wasn't much of a birthday... I guess it shouldn't be now that we're adults or I mean - rephrase we don't recognize it as much because we all have other priorities in mind and we don't mind it's not completely about us...

Well that wednesday I was asked to go to a Manager's meeting as an observer and to take notes.  After the  meeting, everybody stayed there and ate and well I was saving money so I left to let them eat and I went out for a while. When I came back to my surprised my mom had told them that it was my birthday and so they sang to me... I guess it was a sweet gesture but when they started singing I had already forgotten it was my birthday... hahaha... I know... so then after the meeting my mom and I went to go pick up my son from the baby sitter's house and we went to the DMV... I renewed my lisence and the registration to my car... it was so frustrating... Danny was so upset being there that we were told twice to be quiet... but what can you do when a 3 year old needs a nap...  after we got back home I was so exhausted that I fell asleep for a couple hours... I guess during that time my aunt had came home to bring a flan... but I wasn't awake...

Later that evening... We went to another meeting when i was to explain what I can translated a week before... A small presentation of how to do overcome business opsticles...

So far there was a small rough stone in the road during the week... but it happens in life and it's bound to happen again. There is nothing we can do about disagreements and they need to happen at times to better our lives and grow as people.

Well today I worked ... and then I am suppose to be working right now. I need to chart something up in English and then in Spanish. I guess that is the main reason why he let me borrow the computer. See the man I work foe is a really great guy. I can't belive he let me borrow it but I guess that means I really need to keep doing what I am doing...

Well that is it for now...

It seems to be one of those days... It's funny because I actually wrote about it in my journal... although quite insignificant I am quite happy. You  know when you have some dreams that make you wonder whether you're dreaming or actually awake? Well I had one of those last night. I don't know but it made me sleep well at night. Happy and secure... So many things come and go but sometimes just a little thing can turn it all around... a smile in a dream can sometimes mean the world and it make it seem alright yet in reality even though it doesn't exist can still make you smile and maybe even give you a sec of butterflies. They say that dreams are dreams but at times they can be so real... it makes you wonder of the validity of it... well that's it...

So I am going to try and interpret parts of my last dream...it's going to be a bit awkward and possibly weird, I don't know.

The color of the writing on the wall (red)-
Meaning: Joy, sexuality, aggression, animal passion, fun.
Shade of red is important

• Scarlet: lust

Technically the writing was a message-
To dream of receiving a message, denotes that changes will take place in your affairs.

 I had my aunts keys-
To dream of keys, denotes unexpected changes.

If the keys are lost, unpleasant adventures will affect you

Ex-boyfriend-
To have a romantic dream about an ex-boyfriend portends sexual dissatisfaction. If an ex-boyfriend torments you persistently, try to isolate the offending presence and walk away toward sweeter dreams. If the ex offers friendship or advice, though, listen carefully before bidding him farewell.


Well so far this is what I got and still confused about many things... grrr

Today seems like a better day... So my bros probably have some kind of hang over well at least they don't really remember yesterday... My sis didn't come home so my mom is more upset about that now... Today feels like it's going to be a relaxed day, well I hope so...

So I am having more reoccurring dreams about him. But, why? So last night I dreamt that I was with my looking at my tia Chido's phone trying to fix something and I thought I gave it back. Ok so she left. And then I was looking through my phone and it had all my contacts but it was a Chocolate phone... so I received a call... and it was a guy, "Hello, oh I just wanted to make sure it was you so I can input you to my contacts.." I was confused....ok? I didn't even recognize the voice at first... but after a minutes it hits me, Arturo. Then I look at the phone and I realized that I was using my Tia's phone so I went to go look for my actual phone the Venus and surely I had some text which I can't remember and I think it said like 30 missed calls... I couldn't imagine the urgency... So I don't remember why I went into the garage in my dream and I was sitting by a corner where there was a Fridge and there were words written in Red... "Ay Ba---by"... I don't quite remember too much of what the in between word were but at the end... It said, "it's all about the SAX..."
So tell me about that... In the dreams he's beginning to be thoughtful and considerate and almost as though in my dreams he's beginning the suitor stage but I don't understand why. I don't even think of him in that way anymore. And this begins.. When I use to crave it and want, I wouldn't dream of that. And now that I really don't care this happens... tell me about weird... but this almost means... I was a suspicion... I think he might text me tonight... I don't know but i kid of hope not... but we'll see...

It's kind of sad... both my brothers are pissed drunk...can't hold themselves.. Worst image and I can't even imagine the hang over they are going to have tomorrow morning well I can't because I've had it... but they can't even talk... well they slur their every word. One can't get out of the restroom because he can't stand. The other is depressed because he almost had sex with this chick and now he feels  he cheated... what a dilemma... the next thing I need to hear ( knock on wood) is that my sister comes home pregnant... a goodness gracious... It seems like it's not a good night... My parents came home right before my brothers came too... I am sure that after being in church and coming to this, they worry... What can be done about this? Nothing...

For like the past hour or so I have been feeling this sort of fright. I don't know why. I mean Danny and I are alone in the house but I am almost sure everything is locked... My parents are at church, my brothers are in some party drinking (I'm sure) and my sister just left with her boyfriend to his best friend's house because it's his birthday... and she probably is not coming home tonight. I just received a call my brother is throwing up like there's no tomorrow... stupid kids... they can't wait until their 21 so they do it at 16...idiots...

As I walked down the card isle with my sister because it's her boyfriend's birthday tomorrow I was helping her pick out a card. Well I ended reading the winning card but then I saw the red section. And of course they were all love and Valentine's card. And for some reason I found them odd? So then I asked my self, "Why do they still have Valentine's stuff up?" ... Then I started thinking even more because I was confused. Then I realized the date and Valentine's Day is just 6 weeks from tomorrow.  Then it all made sense. I have been so confused the last few days, it doesn't even make sense. As I was driving back home I would see all the people who still had their Christmas lights on and for some reason it was quite upsetting to me... Although , the date most people take everything off is by Jan. 6th ...well traditionally. I don't know... I am all over the place lately. Maybe it was because I was rather ill for such a long time and I am trying to make of for lost time that I am lost... Don't have a clue but what-ev...

Why has this past year been the worst for most. I find it so sad. I am seeing so many people loosing their jobs, separating from their husbands... Having no money surely is a cause of so many changes. Sometimes it's not the reason why people leave people but people change because they can't provide. They are no longer happy they can't be the person they vowed to be at the beginning and they change. They change so much that the loved ones no longer recognize who they are... Many people then start doubting their many choices they made in life but people are entitled to changed but sadly it's a lot easier to change for the bad than the good. A good change takes so much dedication, time, patience and most really aren't willing to give it up that easily without knowing the outcome and we all know we don't know what is going to happen in the future otherwise we would change a few things of our own but even knowing; most know we wouldn't change anything, and that's the truly sad thing..

I can say that I have seen some of those issues with my parents and it's hard  but I guess they are still to this point to meet a goal. My mom has her goal of her 25th wedding anniversary in 3 years. I think that's one of the reasons why she keeps going. I think if she meets that goal she knows that she can go further on. See life is very complicated and just like in anything else we all have to set realistic goal of course you can't do that just when you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend... that process starts once you made the commitment of, "I do" Once that occurs it is a lot easier to have future goals because you both agreed to supposedly be there for each other for life. The hard part then is when one person in the marriage has made goals but the other doesn't know but its about. See problems in relationships will always occur and that's normal but before you say ," I do" you must  really know how that person is and if you can come to an agreement. Many things will need to be compromised at many times but it has to work both ways. Things go really bad when the girl has given it up every single time and when she starts asking for something return the guy is caught off guard and he doesn't like what he is seeing... I mean it ends up being our fault for always compromising ourselves. A relationship is always equal no matter what time or era it is...
See I believe that even in the 50's or 40's well before the feminist movement... girls or wives had some right but since they weren't recognized they weren't implied but we're stupid to think that girls had no say in their household... we might not have seen it but I am sure they did.   We are always good at judging and giving advice but when it's time to take it, its' not at easy or even trying to apply it... why is it that we as people give it but can't take it.... so if that's the case and no one really takes it... then no body shold give it then, right...

Well I love hearing the advice... I try my best to take it in with a grain of salt but like many people I have a hard time aplying it and that is what I am trying to work on... compromising to accept advice so when I do happen to get into a relationship I can try and meet in the middle...Although, even that is too idealistic... But we'll see... I will not try and get married until there is a point of no return... and no that's not even with kids...because we see that people still divorse with kids... It's going to be a horrible judgemment. Back in the past a point of no return would be having sex, then having kids, and now those seem to be meaningless to many.... so we'll see...

That was weird from yesterday...hahaha...maybe I still had some alcohol in my system but it couldn't have been that because I am a really happy drinker... I don't worry about anything just relax.... Well for now I had to worry about a few things... My tags expire today but if I'll be ok until the end the month, hopefully I have get some money.  My Lisence expires on wednesday next week... but I have money for that I just need to get myself to the DMV... Most likely my phone will be shut off on the 9th... This means I must go on a job hunt now. December was a really slow month and since I don't teach the piano lesson because the little girl quit then I now don't have have a for sure little income... Oh and I need to go to ttraffic school so I can erase that ticket I got. It's too much money for nothing. I need to also start become in good standing with all the loans I have... everything needs to get paid off...                                                                                                                   

It's been weird because towards the afternoon I felt like every time I see anything little thing makes me want to cry. I don't know why but I can't explain it.  I've been really emotional today and no it's not PMS in anyway... And I don't think I am ovulating until my birthday or the day before so why am I having sudden changes in my hormones. I can't explain.These hormones are too much. I don't want to cry and it can't be anything at all there has to be something but what can it be? I just catch  my self as I get that quick sudden need to cry and I hold it.  But with this movie I can't. One of my favorite movies... What Dreams May Come. Ever since I saw the movie, it just became one of those movies that help define that illusion we have about death. I don't know but it's one of my favorite and it's one of those movies you just cannot not cry. I know double negatives but what ever.I guess it's just hard to explain the mood that I am in . Well maybe I am just having this constant fight with myself since last night when Krystal and I had a really long conversation. I told her things that I haven't told any one else and she helped me realize many things even though I already knew them by her mentioning them , I was being helped. And sadly, I see has helped me a lot but just helping me there. I know I need to make this New Year's resolution but am I strong enough. She says I am but I am not yet. I want to be but it's hard. Maybe that's why I am having my own personal issues. It sucks... I mean the year has started well and I happy the way it ended and how it started but it is a new year and I guess it's time to start setting personal goals, getting rid of some bad habits and living a better life after all...

great ending and great start...

Well Yesterday I finished cooking. So we made like a small buffet at the house so wouldn't have to be serving everyone. They serve themselves. It was a nice dinner. But as soon as I finished my part of the cooking I thought it would be great if I would get ready. Danny we bought him Chicken nuggets because my mom wanted to buy a quick -pick for the lotto and we took him so he wanted that. He ate them when we got home and the cooking started. I think it took us a couple of hours to prepare everything. BUt anyways so I was getting ready. I noticed was sleepy so I gave him his bottle...  I go to the rest room to fix my hair, well straighten it and I came back to the room he was sound asleep. I felt so relieved. I would be able to go out without a problem.   I finished getting ready and was out the door by 10pm. Sure we had some family over but as I was leaving they decided to go home and sleep. They were waiting for my other aunt to come and she hadn't so oh well. Well I leftI got their at 10:30... There weren't as many people as before but those few are the important ones. It was all of us from high school. We've all known each other now for 10 years. It's amazing but I love those people. I got there and I got a cactus cooler... I have become such a light weight for drinking... Anyways so we all brought in the year all together as a tradition we do every year. We all toasted and then the drinking games started... well we only got to do flip cup since we all got drunk so quickly after that... Then we just played drunken rock band... which I finally got the courage to do vocals...hahaha before even as I was drunk I wouldn't allow my self but this time I did. I was relaxed and Happy. I was free for one night. It was awesome.  So then, my friend he said that he has never had a proper birthday and he wants to go to Vegas to celebrate. So he invited me and all of our friends so the weekend on Feb 28... I had been waiting for a Vegas invite for almost 2 years and I finally got it. I have to freakin happy, excited. That's excactly what I need a weekend off... in vegas, with friends... drinking and relaxing. I can't wait... I got home at 6:36 am before my parents woke up so they wouldn't know what time I got in. I couldn't come last night I  needed the buzz the leave. I woke up and I still in a little shock so I drove home but once I got home I still felt the small buzz... How nice is it to feel a little drunk in the morning rather than feeling a hang over... hahaha!! One of the great nights of my life since my son was born was yesterday....     Now, it's time for more parties. Oh and we finally agreed that we were going to start getting together more often than just once a year... We need to see other more... and more drinking... that's it!