this week=amazing!

Well to me at least it's been... Very good moments and its only half way :)
So to summarize... For Monday Mr.C and I spent a almost a couple hours talking in starbucks and then we went hiking in lytle creek. It was so beautiful green, our shoes got wet, we got to talk and get to know each other even more. We hung out and it was nice and quiet for the both of us. I left my purse and phone all in the car... we just needed our time. Oh and he pushed me... lol no he didn't but I did fall and bruised both my knees and my left palm but it was totally worth it. Hadn't enjoyed a nature walk like that one... we saw a wood pecker and listened to him quietly. We saw some butterflies and saw a lot of mosquitoes... we figures I as the sweet one bc they kept coming to me and there was a bug that kept trying to go in my eye... :/ but it was all fun!

So Monday when we were talking and knowing more about him I asked him if he wanted to go to a meeting with me on Wednesday... And he said yea. So, yesterday we went and he was dressed up all nice and for the occasion. I didn't tell him what to wear but he knew... and we were matching set of individuals... lol it was really nice! We stayed there and listened and then since most was in Spanish... even though he says he understand some he didn't all but I explained the whole marketing and some products and I don't know but he thinks of it yet but I think it would be a great opportunity for him and me :) but either I wouldn't make him do anything unless he wanted. :) Yesterday he looked so handsome i was quite surprised... I had only seen him with hiking clothes. :)

A few days I had told him about my car charger not working... so I took my car charger and he looked at it. Then he looked at the fuse box and it was burnt out... so we went on a mission to find fuses... Which we ended up going from Norco to Fontana... And then we went to Red Robin...once inside I asked him to go with me on Sunday to a couples shower (bridal shower thing) and he said yea. So we're hanging out a lot and happily. and then we hung out outside while he smokes a clove and he gave me some... I can't believe how much I miss those ... too bad they aren't the same...

So we just hung out and talk a lil there until he finally had the courage...
He finally kissed me and it was ... I sure felt something... I didn't know what to expect but I am happy... I am not too much into public affection but it was so late at night in front of the restaurant and it just happened... :)

tonight tonight

Feel like in high school...well with a grown-up twist... Sort of but as simple as  high school. We pretty much well not pretty, we talk every single day... I think yesterday was the only day I didn't physically talk to him but I missed his call... we have a plan that we're working on and with his support it just might come true. Today we were talking about it... bc he always texts me from 7-8am and I asked him if he believed in me and all he said "tonight tonight" ...it's a smashing pumpkin song

"Tonight, Tonight"

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight


He always has the perfect thing to say... I am really glad that he's here... And the best part is that even though we know each other well enough now... There is so much more. We have hung out... no kisses and no anything else... it's just like the talking phase on a high school crush ... when you both has crushes on each other... I don't know but it's sweet... and I like him more and more everyday....

he's

CAPRICORN | CAPRICORN
		Capricorn + Capricorn Earth + Earth = Solid Ground It goes without saying that the ambition and drive of two Capricorns will eventually lead to considerable success and financial benefit. Professional power is associated with your sign, and meeting your star twin will increase this power. Money will be plentiful, and you’ll both enjoy the luxuries that you earn together. You both have an instinctive feel for money, which will make it easy for you to respect each other. Capricorns are not only interested in money, though: over time they do learn the lessons of life and develop broader and more compassionate views. Many Capricorns tend to then move into new areas of work that include service and helping people less fortunate than themselves. If you’re lucky enough to meet a Capricorn like this, the two of you will have the best of this material world, and inner emotional contentment too. You’ll value your privacy and quiet time together, but you may often prefer to spend time completely alone. You’ll both appreciate this need in each other and respect it. Time in a mountain retreat would be a perfect way for you both to get away from the demands of business and city life. It would give you both a chance to get back in touch with your practical, earthy side—gardening, building and home renovation could be activities you share. Because you’re both so driven in work and want so much to achieve your ambitions, you could both have very busy schedules that don’t leave much time for each other. You’ll need to be sensitive to each other’s personal needs so that you can develop your love and affection. You both have a conservative approach to lovemaking, but having similar attitudes means that over time you’ll feel sexually comfortable with each other. Capricorns don’t believe that sex needs be a fireworks display every night. You’re more interested in having a stable and supportive relationship—a partner who is there for you when you need them, and who you can support when they need you. All Capricorns can find all-round happiness with Capricorns born between 22 December and 1 January, but they are probably best suited to Capricorns born between 2 January and 10 January. The influence of Saturn and Venus means affection will grow, and there is a natural affinity. Capricorns born between 11 January and 20 January have oodles of charm that will make you feel happy and relaxed. They will stimulate you mentally: their co-ruling planet, Mercury, makes them quick-witted, intelligent and highly communicative. Sometimes you’ll wonder whether they are really Capricorns, because they talk so much! This is a good match. This part describes him so well but only time can tell. I am January 7th and he is January 14th

Perfect

He has me listening to music...


Perfect by Smashing Pumpkins


"Perfect"

I know we're just like old friends
We just can't pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We can't help but feel that something has been lost

But please you know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be
Perfect
Perfect
Perfect strangers down the line
Lovers out of time
Memories unwind

So far I still know who you are
But now I wonder who I was...

Angel, you know it's not the end
We'll always be good friends
The letters have been sent on

So please, you always were so free
You'll see, I promise we'll be
Perfect
Perfect strangers when we meet
Strangers on the street
Lovers while we sleep

Perfect
You know this has to be
We always we're so free
We promised that we'd be
Perfect

Falling for this one

Ok, Well I know that people are different and sometimes we try to get involved with people hoping that something can work...

I think I am really falling for this guy...  I don't care the restrictions he has right now but he is sweet and interesting.

He woke me up with a nice lil text...  We talk on the phone and the time just flies...  He's special. I know we're both stubborn and a bit temper-mental...

I'm happy... and you know what for the first time I am not needing sex to supplement... he makes me happy just fine. This makes me happier...

*sigh* I cheer him up and it makes me smile....

Today I asked for his ethnic background... I never thought he would say no... He didn't tell me... I had to guess... so freaking hard... It took me literally all day to figure out... I pretty much ended up going around the globe at the end.... but I got it... When I was so close he asked me if he should tell me... and I said no bc I was half way done... And I got all the elements down...


Anyways, he's a great guy... Anyways... I don't want to write about him too much yet... It seems as though when I write about somebody I bring up my hopes and ends in disaster... So I will see what happens... Maybe in the next couple of days I'll write about him... and idk ...

=D

We talked for like hours yesterday... kind of nice... He certainly delivers everything to a different  level. I don't think I've been quite challenged in this way. He says we know each other because we are very similar in character... sometimes he knows things about me that I don't tell people and when I've described some things it's exactly him... Sometimes it's a little scary and yea he sense it but I think he is too... We obviously don't know if this can or will lead anywhere but the challenge is there and we realize. We at least certainly enjoy our communication.

Yesterday, It was kind of funny bc I've seen him from before so described how he was... and he was in a nostalgic moment ... haha... I know he doesn't remember me from then but he was amazed at how well I described him... lol. So that lead into people being in drama... and school plays ... which led into a small argument... well he thought it was... I didn't! I thought it was funny... I think he catching on to my way of thinking although it's not too hard.... I am his version in a shy form and he is a version of me in an outgoing form... I guess that will be verified when we get to know each other better.

I've gotten to know a lil of his past which some would be thrown away from but I for some reason am intrigued... with the conversations we have been having. I give him different points of view just as he gives me ... and he is so helpful, witty and  sweet... totally sweet and sour... lol!

:)

He called today... Well we were texting but he had to call... He asked me to go to six flags with him. :) interesting, stubborn, witty... Fun to text...it should be interesting. It sure had been a while since somebody asked me out... And this isn't like the other people, well I can't say that but we'll see...

I like talking to people

What can I say... I'm not going to let my self be put down or feel neglected or bummed... We all know there are things in life we just can't change. The only thing is to move on and lead a happy life...
So quickly give up...

I was talking to a friend last night and I just felt so relieved I was able to tell him everything... I mean everything... and it just felt so great to let go of everything... I actually felt peace today bc it was all gone... Well not all gone but the fact that I was able to tell a living soul my whole story. I knew I needed him bc he's working on his Psych Masters and well you know I wanted his opinions... and they really helped ... He just said I had to come to some realizations and let go... let go... he said...

So he said i would be over code name by thursday 12:37pm... hahaha... he was joking but being serious... he apparently got to the conclusion I only like assholes... and kept asking me why I liked them... which I didn't really have an answer to... But he was really reassuring... And then I told him yesterday that I already had started talking to this other person... he was like really that fast... he said you're already over it... hahaha! Well it's not the getting over thing... I think it's more about trying not to let things get to me anymore... to live you learn and try your best to work with what you have in front of you...

So yeah, yesterday I started talking to some else... it was sweet our car wasn't turning on and  we had been texting so I asked him... and he calls me and tries to figure out the problem... he sounded so nervous it was funny cute... knowing my luck... I know where this is going but we're so alike... 
he was saying some stuff so I told him he was sweet and he said no not sweet, sweet n sour... so I told him I was sweet n spicy... he had me laughing the whole day... if everything else was going wrong he sure made it feel better and faster...

well this is going to be fun! we were talking yesterday and i had to leave so he said texting... so I told him that messenger was the gateway to socializing. And he said to go have a lunch date with friends so I told him they never had time... his come back was... i'll make time for you... And continued on to saying he missed the old days were people would go out to see people and actually call them...

anyways...this will be fun!

acceptance

In my greater attempt to always try and understand what happens I have come to a deep realization that it is all futile and useless.

No matter what happens, life is life and will continue it's course no matter what.  There is nothing we can do but live it the best we can and enjoy those special moments of every day breathing. We only consider having bad days in weakness of the daily occurrences but in reality they're not as bad as they may seem. Our body only overreacts because we have yet to take control over our own selves...

I realize I have moments of weakness in the last week in confusion of rejection and loneliness but I am not any lonelier than I've been in the last 6 years. In fact, I've been getting more pleasure out of life than usual and maybe that's the confusion my mind and heart tried to confuse. I disregarded reality or better yet disregarded my head which knew exactly what was happening and let it be taken by a confused heart that had no right to input it's pulsing confusing self.

Nothing can tear me down unless I allow it to. And no one can jeopardize or confuse my heart unless I give the consent.

needs to go away

I am feeling this small anxiety and it's not something I cannot control but i feel like freaking out... My outer shell isn't showing any symptoms but my inside is racing...I've never had moments in life where I just agreed to something... let it go so easily and pretended to go on like nothing...which by the way I am doing great at... I am even surprised. Anyways, I usually throw my own tantrums to my self (Only) nobody knew I had any until now! So... shhhh  it's a secret. I know I am not going ever get everything I want, I came to terms with that when I was 5. I know love can't be bought and can't be found any person you like. It has to grow within the 2 hearts. Okay, fine I learned that in high school. Recently, I've started learning that I can have it all and yet nothing at all... damn those contradictions... ok, so back to the beginning! I feel anxious and no not anxious to the point when I'm anxious/aroused, I am actually anxious and I don't know how to handle it. It's also not to the point where I can hyperventilate and feel find. Last week when I met up with my friend as the time drew closer... I was anxious also and was hyperventilating a bit which helped and it went away... by the hard breathing occurred naturally.

I told one of my friends who is working on his master for psych... I just need to talk to somebody... And he knows best probably but we're going to talk soon. I will spare him the details of the names since they're also close friends...life sucks sometimes... and I am not saying I regret what happened or that I want it to happen again. But something happened that changed me in a weird sense. I can't explain/ describe ... the way I handled things was weird too... I wasn't childish. I gave in... but I somehow did lose all hope. I did. And reading more blogs... the guys are right. Sometimes we focus on trying to figure out what guys like and you know that's not the important part. They're suppose to like us first and then we can figure everything else. I've been backwards... I know they're going to like... but they're not going to like me? Sometimes I feel like the whole double psych major in college didn't help and I got worse at everything. Can it be I can't read their signs right... or they're broken and give me signs when there really aren't any. That's what make me so mad.

Maybe I should wait until those guys start acting like they did in high school and college... take any opportunity to talk and spend time... or better yet... maybe a stalker... just kidding on the last one... but this is worst than any other time... At least with the other times... I cry, scream, vent, mope around... idk everything...get depressed. And this time... nothing but I feel as though instead of feeling the sudden quickness of the stab in the heart... or the shattering of the glass heart hitting the floor, I feel like I am slowly but rapidly dying inside... not to an ice cold heart with out feeling... but more is dwindling... I had never felt so unbecoming. I have never had a such urge to want to forget about everything and everybody as I do know. Don't get me wrong I am starting to love the attention... and I love to give attention too... but right when I enjoy doing it... I feel lost.

I know you're to say it's a phase and it will go away... which it probably will.
That I only feel like this bc what happened ... sure... but even when my heart broke or shattered for the first time... the pieces were there and I slowly started rebuilding... I had something to grow from and build... not the same... my eyes water but nothing comes out... my throat hurts like if I've been crying for hours and I haven't been...

All I feel indifference... just blank indifference... and it's not obsession... because when I was younger I have been... almost stalker status... I guess I just need a reason... and please don't say my son... he is a different reason. He saved me on my darkest of hours from my own wrath. But, I need a reason.
I have teaching, it's so fulfilling I love it and will do it for ever but not it. $$$ I have my share when I have it, I spend a lot of time without any... but more or less money wont make a huge difference... just clothes wise and that's it. I need a reason...oh and not from him we talked about everything... I don't know what it bugging me and I guess ranting about nothing is no fun either. I know I'm not going to figure it and I will try to forget about it... but I hope that when the light bulb suddenly turns on... the last drop of my melting icy heart isn't falling... And to clarify, I am not asking for a reason to live, whether day by day... I just need a reason and I wont know to what until it's there. But, I hope it resolves this acute anxiety I feel within... there was only one master at causing me anxiety/panic attacks and he's not on the phone causing them... its me... it's only me now...

Have you ever lied about yourself online? What about? Were you found out or did you confess?

I Actually don't lie about my self. Everything I say is as true as I'm going to get. I always try to be honest and I find lying useless. Now if people don't believe me that it they're problem. Ok, well let me rephrase then, I don't lie but I don't always put the whole truth in which I can be considered a liar. But, either way I always try to answer what people ask.  Never had a problem which confrontation for the same reason... What you see is what you get... I am a fairly simple girl... Doesn't take much to make me happy but you do have to know how to... My simple is so simple people find it confusion....

 
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last sunday

Last Sunday we went to my Aunt's house... And we were there in the afternoon and went to mass... 
We usually go to the San Gabriel Mission while we're there... it was were I  did my first communion and I always had dreams about getting married there but idk anymore... 

This time we couldn't quite make it to the mass there... and the evening mass was going to be too late so we went to another church which is actually closer to my aunt's house... San Antonio Catholic Church. I've never been to much of a fan but it was where my parents got married and it was nice to go...

After that we went for a nice drive... We saw the little thing we use to call a house...the little house next to it my dad built for storing instruments and tools... and drove around for a while. I can't believe how tiny those places are...It's ridiculous... then Drove to the exit where we were leave from elementary... saw the way I use to take home from middle school after I use to part ways with my bff then... it was nice to see it all... As I was driving, I was seeing those life reenactments of the past reoccurring... it was amazing... it was almost as if i was walking a movie in my head... I don't miss living there... but those are a lot of memories I can't let go...

I even saw the corner (which is the same one where my bff and I would part) where I use to have a recurring nightmare/ fantasy.... I can't believe it's been 12 years... I've lived longer out here than I ever there out there...  Those were my moments of innocence... tears... puppy fake love... joy... sadness... and like always loneliness...  I've had it all... It's weird bc it seems like sometimes we just can't get away from all the bad... it follows us forever... and much worse the bad habit of falling for a guy and not being able to let go as easily... Is there an easier way than waiting years to like the next and get over them? f(that part of)ml

Like it but i quit

Have you ever felt like everything you do doesn't have meaning... So I had a lil fun today...  but it was nice and it felt good but it just wasn't it... I wasn't happy anymore... Lately in the last few months I've gotten so (but I mean so) aroused more than usual that I had to get rid of the stress or it would accumulate to my daily life. But, I get everything I need and want and it's no longer enough... I want it so much I don't want it anymore... I have hit rock bottom... I am not fulfilled and I am drawing at a blank... I need more than just a physical or few minute fling... with bozos... it does work that well... 
I am not happy... Well I haven't been happy for a while but I wasn't so unfulfilled... and pleased at the same time... it's not about not knowing the person or knowing them... and it's not having sex bc we're not just messing around. Sex and pleasing is great while it lasts and I always get there ... but it's not... The sex is the same... I don't want anything... I don't want to live anywhere... I just need to be busy all of a sudden... I want to feel like a guy... get busy and disregard what they feel... it doesn't matter anymore... 

I loving the pain and the bits of physical abuse I ask for... it's almost like a fetish I have ...I guess you can say... and at my request... I am starting to dominate a lot more... I get these bruises... these scratches... I am physically worn and tired but that's just it...  no romance... an escape from a daily life of routine.... I lie and leave and come back ... I lead these lives... these escapes and til last week everything was fine... I don't know what changed but it did and now I am blank. The weird thing is I have no tears.... no cherish memories... and just lies... I am also not promiscuous... But I am not going to count or feel the need to judge my self... so what if I am very in tuned with my sexuality and than of a man... I know I am but not the point..

I am one person at work, a different person at home and then the third person... When will I be able to be all three all together? 

I can't analyze my self and I am not gonna... I am going to bombard  my self with work... 

(ok off on a tangent and didn't want to write a separate one... it would stick out too much!) lol

Oh there is something weird... I forgot to add... totally weird but whatev... There is something that has caught my attention...with the whole pain and sexual think... for some reason I've wanted to like bleed (not that simple like be cut... so I can bleed) while having sex... Like that would bring everything to a whole knew level off excitement and sensations... 

I get these urges... and let's not mistaken this...for suicidal... that's stupid.. so over that high school stage on kids making fun of each other and ... ok anyways... Like wanting to to bleed to just to see it come out and feel it... and those lil marks I have to reopen then... I know this is weird... but I've been holding them back and I feel like it's inevitable. And I wouldn't want this done to someone else... Or I wouldn't do it to someone else either... I've been trying to figure things out... within my self... and have uncovered so much more.... yeah, I love the thought of bondage... Being tied or blind folded and not knowing what to expect... or Asphyxiation but I've only done it by myself while pleasing my self blocking oxygen while taking a bath and the shower water hitting my face almost cutting oxygen but not quite... 

ok... I need to give these to my therapist... lol... jk don't have one...  Maybe that's why I can't find some one... I am too weird... Have always looked normal but I'm still weird and my friend's husband who happens to be my son's father... weird, right... still manages to call me weird after knowing him for almost 10 years. seems like he never has gotten to accustomed even though we dated for almost 3 years and even though he met me when I was really weird and awkward... hahaha! 

near future

Well it seems work starts for me next week which is awesome but I'm not technically starting until the following week since I'm going to be in Colorado next week. I'm so glad that I'm going to be able to set my schedule so that I can finally look for a part time job. I'm sure things will be tough and what ever job will have to be flexible but I can make things work very definately. Money has been short this whole summer and I've been stumped. I need more than just making my ends meet...I know that if it works out I can move down the mountain again. We're (as a family) planning to do so in hopefully the next 6 months of posible. That way I can also conquer more of my dream and expand to other high schools in the area, middle schools who feed those immediate high schools and elementary schools who don't get the necesary knowledge of their instrument to be an asset and not a liability... Not that they will be but so they know the required skills to be able to grow on their own without needing someone to bottle feed the notes. I have some goals... And other talents in which I want to be certified. Even though in life I never really saw this all in my future... The doors and gateway to happiness and slowly but surely coming true. And the best part is that I am more and more realizing that I don't need the love or acceptance of a man to be who I want to be in life. I'm becoming a total capricorn!

my simple (self rule, releaved) and why it became complicated

This morning I did wake up a little upset and tired... And slowly been calming my self down. I was a little mad at him for allowing me (yea, allowing me)  to do this... hypocritical, I know...bc I asked him to do it and reassured him everything was going to be fine and what did I do I broke the contract at end... set rules... I couldn't abide... So then I started wondering how are guys suppose to look at us in a different way if we already gave them what they usually have to wait for or work for... we give them the bait, they take it... we get upset and they don't know why...I was a lil upset until I realized... they're not going to help it... but then again... he's a smart fish he wont take that bait again... rather keep the peace than go for seconds... a play it safe fish.... So my question was why did I do it? And he asked me when we were there... this was random, what made you want to do this... And bc I knew anything else would be inappropriate to our accordance... I said ... I like sex... yea... something so simple yet complicated...

The weird part as I was driving to our destination... I started to worry and hyperventilate.... I wasn't getting enough oxygen and I was nervous like 5 yr old on their first day of school. Through the day and especially towards the time approaching ... he kept asking me... Are you sure you want to do this?  Are YOU sure you want to this... When we just talking and after he asked for my reasoning... he asked, are you sure you want to do this... and I nodded my head in reassurance. And he said ok.... "all you have to say is 'stop', and we'll stop"...

As we were laying on the bed just talking... and catching up... I was a lil tipsy... I had my head on his stomach, looking his way...talking and staring at him... He asked me one more time... Are you sure you want to sure this... I look at him and nodded... are you sure... fixed my eyesight in agreement and nodded once more...

I definately don't regret what happened... I do regret and shame my self for feeling a bit of emotional attachment...  I shouldn't have... Actually, We shouldn't have kissed... that's my emotional attachment... I don't kiss unless there is something there... he is the first guy who had kissed me ... in probably 5-6 years... yeah... that long... so at that point it was beyond me... I lost all control...

I haven't had many in my bed... but when the feeling was lost there was no more kissing and making out like that of a relationship... the passion is out... the next ... nothing....just sex... so of course... sex isn't a personal action... well in a sense yes... but it has mostly becoming nothing as the value it once had in my life... Sad, but true like one of  my favorite Metallica songs Sad, but true ...

So no kissing... my rule of thumb now for sure... unless there is something else... and the chemistry is right... and the sparks are flying... He is the 5th person to actually kiss me... let me see... I was 15, summer of 2000 when I technically received my first kiss from this black guy named Kar-el and it was a peck on my lips, I was still 16 when I received my real first kiss on a thursday right before band rehearsal, November 8, 2001, it's a blur of the timing of the third... I was in college and would hang out with a friend Rafael and at that time I was still shy and innocent... so I stopped it... And  bc I felt guilty I told my bf at the time... the guy kissed me... and with our already dwindling relationship he used the now given ammunition to shoot me... and most panic attack... he was very good at provoking anxiety attack.... And then there was the Spring of 2005 when I had finally started talking and dating this guy... David... After our last good by kiss that night... when didn't speak for a few years... (it was a wednesday) and Sunday I found out I was pregnant... the irony of life... (thank you! sarcastically speaking) and well since then until now July 31, 2010 my last and final kiss...  Only 2 have actually meant something... the second... which took time to perfect... we were lil immature and inexperience and I am sure he was a 'horny' lil band kid... so yea... and this last one... all the others didn't quite touch me... so in depth... the 3rd could have led to something ... I was a sophomore in college and working out with him and we spent a lot of time together but he was a senior and graduating that year.... I mean he has a great career now... but it wasn't him that I needed... this lips were too rough too... the guy I dated... it was weird kissing... I don't know... it was making out but like forward kissing... idk ... I didn't like too much but I liked him a little so I expected to get use to it... i guess...

Life is so funny! But I do feel so much better now... My problem is kissing... I can no so emotionless to anything and it wont matter unless it's tied with good simple... kissing... Like I had put the other day in my Blackberry messenger... "My simple is too complicated"... It's as simple as a kiss but to me, it can mean my world or the demolition of my world.... You take me as far as you want to go but without a kiss you mean nothing...
Nothing.... NOTHING!!!  Just a side of entertainment...

Yea, You know what that means... that I can do the same thing you do to me...look at me like a piece of meat and an opportunity for escape... yup!

So simple, it complicates everything!

find your love?

Look I know I sound needy sometimes.... still one could never be broken hearted as much twice and I am not... I have learned how to let go of many things and separate others which is really awesome but still can't help to think of him. We all know when things aren't meant to be and we all move on... But what if when you do and they were perfect and now they're ready but circumstances don't allow you too? Yea, I am sure that happens also. I am not a perfect who easily likes people... or adores... In my life time I have only like 4 guys that I liked... 1 the end of elementary and beginning middle school, 1 in high school who we didn't talk for a couple years bc of stuff gone wrong but still friends now and 1 in college... who also didn't work out... and then him the last guy I told I liked. It's really hard for me to express such feelings and every single time it's the wrong person... Oh and it's not like a kidish crush... well maybe but I always wait a couple years or more to let them know... I am not saying I can't live without then because I obviously can... I am can't break bc I am not made of of glass but sometimes I wonder if I have hope some where... There was only one who I didn't like, was annoying as hell, would tease me, call me names, he was a total nerd... a lil band geek.... the one person I never saw as anything ... the one I didn't expect and the only one who made an impact... I guess trying for over a year sure paid off in the short run... he wasn't anything I expected... and to today he still isn't my type so he's history.... The gentle men I have liked have special qualities in males. It's so hard because you don't allow your heart to get involved and when you least know it there you are... All I know is I need to find someone's love... And I am sure he is out there... he is but I wont find him... And the sad thing... is that with this song... the person could try all they want but if the person they like doesn't feel it...you'll be doing it all for nothing...This song makes me feel like I can give it all but nobody is ready for it... Almost as if they gave them selves an opportunity to also be happy they would find something different and changed...but *sigh* someday... someday...

Find your love

[Drake]
I'm more than just an option
Hey, Hey, Hey
Refuse to be forgotten
Hey, Hey, Hey
I took a chance with my heart
Hey, Hey, Hey
And I feel it taking over

[Chorus]
I better find your love and
I better find your heart
I better find your love and
I better find your heart
I better find your love and
I better find your heart
I bet if I give all my love
Then nothings gonna tear us apart
I’m more than just a number
Hey, Hey, Hey
I doubt you’ll find another
Hey, Hey, Hey
So every single summer
Hey, Hey, Hey
I be the one that you remember

[Chorus]
Drake Find Your Love lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/drake-find-your-love-lyrics.html
And I better find your lovin
I better find your heart
I better find your love and
I better find your heart
I better find your love and
I better find your heart
I bet if I give all my love,
Then nothings gonna tear us apart
It’s more than just a mission
Hey, Hey, Hey
You hear but you don’t listen
Hey, Hey, Hey
You better pay attention
Hey, Hey, Hey
And get what you been missing

[Chorus]
Too many times I’ve been wrong
I guess being right takes too long
I’m done waiting, theres nothing left to do
But give all I have to you and
I better find your love and
I better find your heart
I better find your love and
I bet if I give all my love,
Then nothings gonna tear us apart
I bet if I give all my love,
Then nothings gonna tear us apart

Everything happens for a reason

Well I told him how I felt... I know it was the worst timing in the world. And I shouldn't have told him at all but I did and I did it in the most unconventional way which I didn't want to do but it happened and it's done... Well he wanted it that way... and it was bc I couldn't wait so oh well... it was suppose to be different but this way worked...

We did make rules and I did break them so I am responsible but oh well... in a way it was suppose to be like that. I think since when we've been friends we've gotten into pretty into it arguments so stupid disagreements bc we can be stubborn adding all the elements I had just added would have complicated everything. Well I did complicate everything but we fixed it together which is what I dearly admired from him. We were able to talk about it and clear everything else... and fix what I had done... 

I knew he wasn't ready for a person like me but I was truly hoping... I mean life is so funny and ironic bc when he had a thing for me in the past I wasn't ready for him either... I guess that's a karma thing... oh well... hahaha.We'll have good laughed about the one time we had a small thing and decided to not proceed bc of complications.

Even though he and I don't have a future... more than likely... I know I will find somebody but I do have to say that if I do I want who even I find just like him. Somebody who stands for what they want, willing to know when to stop knowing, and someone who is open enough to discuss it all, who is open to know what I like also...

I do want to say that that night was the most wowing display I have ever experienced... With the combination  of things I say that he tops all of them off... maybe because it wasn't about him but more of me... and most are just selfishly think of themselves first... Everything just felt so right ... it wasn't weird... nothing was weird. It was perfect the mood our simple chit-chat and conversations... and most of all our agreement bc he asked right before that all I had to do is say stop but I wasn't going to ...

All I have to say many like him are rare to find ... and I hope I find some one like him in my near future... I truly do! And even though we're not so compatible... 100%  he would still be the perfect match... someday... we will both find our somebody... and sadly it wont we us but like we said no matter what we're still going to be friends... and hang out like we use to... I mean nothing else has changed... except one night but it's okay... 

We're ok!