I am starting to feel a little sad

I know death is just a fact of a mortal human life but sometimes one tries to disregard it as much as possible until you realize that it is so close to someone you know and dearly love and admire. Well since I have been talking about my grandpa it starting to stir things within and yes I am becoming more aware and scared; there is just a turmoil of emotions running through me at the moment. I have desperation I don't know what to do with. When we are young we just live life as it comes and sometimes we make stupid choices and just learn from out mistakes and move on. But what happens when there is something you just can't change and have to accept it no matter how hard it is. We all know we're going to die... it's a fact. But, we don't ever know when. Well honestly I don't ever think that I want to exactly when I am going to die because then I'll be expecting it and it sucks limiting yourself to such guidelines when they could be very wrong  or yet very right. Although, I feel so sad for my grandpa because I am sure he must be in agonizing pain at times since his colon cancer has spread through out his whole body but he was very fortunate to have lived as long as he did. He is 81 and thank God he had a very nice life and was able to travel a bit. I see my grandparents and I do admire them. Firstly, because they raised 11 kids. they would have had more but many died at the age of 1-3years. Sad! But, the type of living and the lack of medicine and shots sometimes made it hard. Another thing well years before my dad was born my grandpa was also struck by lighting and he survived but at the same time he was struck one of their kids died. The poor little child gave his/her life for their dad to live and continue having more kids. Imagine he would have died then, then my dad wouldn't have been born and that means no Reyna. It's funny how a small thing changes so many things ...haha but I am going out on a tangent. I love grandpa but God will be there guiding his way and we'll still be praying for his well-being and less pain.

my day

So today I woke up rather early in comparison to any other day. I got up at 5:50am so I can take a shower and get ready for church. So we went to Mass and then we went to go visit my aunt and my grandparents. They're all good well it so seems. My grandpa did look a little different. It's hard to explain because he looks the same just a little more pale and his eyes show a little more than the eye meets. We were there talking and well I was quite proud that my mom was able to go up the stairs because her fractures still hurt as she goes up and down stairs but my grandpa looked happy company was over. I am sure he loves it when we go visit. Then My aunt librada came over as well because it was my Tia angelica's kid's b-day Geovanni. I guess today was his 11th birthday. (Which reminds me of 11 years ago. I went with my aunt to all the birthing classes. I was suppose to be her support when she was having him but in the last minute my mom didn't allow me to go so she decided that she was going to take my place. Well my dad and her were in a huge fight because she was gone for such a long period of time. For a long time I was also upset at her because it. I was the one that was suppose to go and I went to all the classes but oh well now it's 11 years ago. The past is the past) We stayed there for a little while and then went to my mom's comadre's house because her grand daughter was having a small birthday party; she turned 2. She is so cute. While I was there I was talking a little to my mom's comadre's dad. He went to go see my grandpa a few days ago. My grandpa and he are cousins so I guess my grandpa wanted to see him and grandpa asked my dad to go pick him up. So I asked him how he saw my grandpa and he said that he looks fine but that he has heard otherwise.  I told him that that was the way I saw him too. But today my mom told me that my aunt Angelica told her that the Doctors had told her already that they gave my grandpa 3 months. Can you imagine having 3 months or at least thinking you do. It sucks! I don't know if he knows of the time limit they had given him to live. Sometimes things just get out of hand and there is nothing we can do about it anymore. 
But yeah, the old man and I were talking and he was trying to talkto Danny but Danny is stubborn and would refuse and then the man told me that My grandpa had a brother who was just like that. I told him that it must run in the blood. Because all my uncles are very shy or shut out because they are never to be all seen together. It's weird but the saddest thing is that if my grandpa does pass away that will be the only time they will be all together and a little too late for my taste but what can you do or none of them make time for themselves.
Well anyways the day was a nice day. I guess all with family varying in differnt strans or distances. It was a nice day. Besides it sure gave my hands a nice rest although my body is still a little tired.

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It's weird because lately I have been hearing the story about the "talents" that's in the bible and I have been taking the words it tells me and applying it to my life. And you know what it couldn't be easier. I just found out in the last few months that I possess one of my mom's talents to heal people and it's going so great I get more recommendations. And it seems as though while doing that I am also opening my doors to teach more kids about music. It's so wonderful that God is giving me the opportunity to help people help me.

It's a little weird

So i find he so weird that some of up find some mother so scary and are still so intrigued to watch them. I remember that for some reason i use to love them before but now i'll really think about it before i say yes. I can honestly say i don't like blood and gore. It creeps me out. Although i know i say i tend to stay away from there sort of movies right now i'm watching Mirrors. Sadly, some might say this movie is not scary but so far nothing too bad has happened and well i'm creeped the fuck off my socks. I know i'm watching it alone and it's night but the light is on and also i don't have it on the tv in my room because it would be too love then i would be more sacred. I'm watching it through my portable dvd . I feel like i'm going to sleep with the light on or wait until my sis gets home from the club.

wow, so I am so tired today. I woke up early at 7am so I can take a shower and go to a baptism. Got everything ready and was ready to head out and saw the invitation and well it had no address to the church. My dad was calling many places and I tried calling my friend Rubi but there was no answer. My dad was calling her dad and no answer well finally he got ahold of a friends of theirs and they told us of the church. Well only my mom, Danny and I went to the mass and well we got there 20 minutes late and then we didn't see anybody we knew. We sat there and towards the end my mom and I started thinking we were in the wrong place because we never saw the little girl go up but I guess I didn't recognize because only the Godparents were go up... I don't know. Case was that after thinking that we were in the wrong place we finally saw the dad and well felt relieved and Happy that we were able to make it.

Funny story about my friends father. Well there is a rumor amongst my mom that he is her brother. Well Half brother. Well as far as the story goes none of his sibblings are his dad's and it is believed my him and his family that he is his father's son but it also may be possible that he is my uncle.  I know it gets a little complicated but this came out once when my mom was having a disccussion with my other uncle. He is or was bad and my mom lept telling him to be good. That my grandpa had taught them such good morals and examples to live by and well my uncle was angered and told my mom that yeah such a good example that so-and-so's oldest son is dad's son. Apparently, some people in mexico knew and told my uncle. and the weird thing is that their characteristist match so well, they look similar and well to anybody who knew my uncle and knew this other guy would say yes I agree it can be true. My mom and her sisters all call him "el brother" (the brother) but nobody really knows why except them of course. Some just think it's either an inside joke or they just care for him a lot but yeah I guess we'll never really know because I keep asking my momshe'll ever tell him and she says no. So yeah.

It was kind of fun last time  I was playing the piano and Danny came along to play it as well so he was making his own song. Then he turned on the variation of drum beats and I started playing scales and/or arpeggios with the beat(depending on the beat) so Danny found his guitar and started jamming out. He was doing it hard rock... singing and banging his head. It was so damn adorable. Then we started singing together until he was tired and we went to bed. Talk about a fun filled night with Danny! YAY!

It seems as though things are beginning to look better. Well I took mom to the doctor's on tuesday and they took out the splint on her left ring finger. She still says it hurts but thankfully it's not fractured anymore and all it needs is movement. Yesterday, I also took her for another appointment where they did x-rays on her lower back. They said that her fractures in her pelvic bones and lower back are healing great. Although the doctor was still a little worried at the fact her right leg is still numb so she is going to order a MRI on her lower back so that hopefully none of her bones are pressuring her nerves. So hopefully that all goes well.

On another note,  it was kind of funny because I pulled out my old clarinet from my closet and I knew that I couldn't make it work the last time I took it a part so I decided to take it apart once more to see if I can see the problem. The funny thing was that when I took it apart I had forgotten how to put it together. :]] I left it like that all of Wednesday. This morning I was determined and so I put it together and polished the keys as I went along. It felt so peaceful doing it. So I started checking to see if the instrument locked the air but it didn't. I had many pad issues. It's leaking air so that's my problem because there was nothing else wrong. I ordered some pad and corks. As soon as they get here I am going to show the high school clarinetist how it's done. I am going to show them how a clarinet looks naked and how to properly clean and swab their instrument. This is going to be so much fun. My small project to show kids there is more to playing... But the reason I had taken it out was to let a girl borrow it but since it didn't work it was useless. Either I never would have thought to fix it myself. Well I know It I take it to a repair shop it would cost a fortune. I had my whole clarinet re-padded in 8th grade and it cost me $80 and that was cheapo because my teacher did it but if it would have been in a music store I would have been  over charged.  Anyways, this time I am going to do it myself, yay! Although I had so much fun while taking it apart and putting it back together because Danny was there with me and he knew it was music. He wanted to play... awww! When I fix it I'll let him try and play that one and I'll play my clarinet. I think if he starts learning so many instruments now he will have a gift. He has it but I he'll be able to expand it.

sigh

When my dad came back from work the first thing he told me was, "your grandpa is really ill, huh?" And well I told that grandma had said he liked it when people came to visit and that my aunt had said they were all going to try and come to the house to day. And he told well, I don't think he is going to be coming to house anymore. HE now has nurses in the house and he can't leave anymore. But my dad did say he looked okay but his health is not longer ok. He is an 81 year man now. And well a while back he was detected with colon cancer and he had many surgeries and well I thought that everything was better until today. On Thursday my grandmother had mentioned that he had tumors in his stomach and he had a doctor's appointment on friday to see if they were going to do surgery. Well apparently they are not anymore. Mydad said that there is nothing they can do about it but give him pain medication. The cancer has spread through his whole body now and I guess all we can really do is wait. It's terminal now. It's makes me a little sad to think of all the pain he must be going through but at least he had a full life and even had the apportunity to at least meet one of their great-grand child... my son Danny. They have more but I think the only one they have met is him. After I spoke to my dad I was a little gloomy but there is nothing we can do... Just Pray to God and ask that he is blessed all the way!

Recently, in the last few weeks I started realizing many things. One was that if you have faith and pray and believe, things can happen. The last few days I have been working and it goes pretty well. I thank my mom for teaching me her gift which now I share with many people and help them out. People come with pain, stress, tiredness and I help release it all. Sure at the end I am the one that is tired but it makes me happy that just as my mom is it seems as though I have become some what a healer type. It's called massages. But that is why I have only gone online through my phone until today. I am keep praying to God, He gives us more work people that is how we all feed ourselves.

This whole weekend was a lot of fun at the small carnival. So we finally won Danny his fishies he begged us for. I think Danny enjoyed it all; well it was for him, although I didn't get him tickets to get on the rides but it's ok he wouldn't have lasted.

I'm so tired today I massaged two people. And I guess it's close enough to pay my phone but since I owe 2 months....   I am surprised they didn't cut it off on friday like I thought they would but that is good. Money is so tight right now... I have been wanting to go take care of some some stuff but car doesn't have gas and even though the gas is so cheap. I would be comepletely stranded if gas was still the $4 and something cents.

So today is going good. Although I still don't know what is wrong with my printer but I think there is something wrong with the print head but we'll see how it continues. Thankfully today is not as hot as yesterday and well my kidneys do not hurt as much any more. Man, I am going to eventually need to get insurance or something so I can go for a check up. It's been such a long time and we all know we very much need it. Today in evening we are going to go back to the little festival so I can take Danny on some of the rides and well my mom wants to go also. I didn't know I was going to go yesterday but my mom wanted to go but either way we had planned this get together over a week ago and my mom wouldn't have lasted. Since her accident she gets very irretable and I was not really ready to deal with it. There is always some good food there and that is one of the things we look forward to every year. Well most of us don't get on rides anymore but maybe i'll go to mass today so I don't have to go tomorrow. It has also been a while since I have taken Danny because he doesn't get up as early to go to mass so I don't try and wake him. I let him rest.

Should men have a say when it comes to the issue of abortion? Why or why not?

I believe that guys should have a say. It is their baby as well. But, like in most things it should be in a discussion form so he can put his 2 cents in. Like in many cases, I surely didn't think that my son's father was going to ask about an abortion but there is a difference between desperately trying to get about of something and willing to discuss options. It should be an open forum between both people with the pros and cons of what happens to both parties. Both women and men are affected and sure differently but knowing how each other feels about it and there can be a compromise. I know abortion has always been known as the woman's choice but at the end it's also part of the man. She choice to have him as well and should at least hear out what he has to offer. But, overall a woman will feel more into her decision because she has more connection or because she feels that the man will not do much for her. He entitled to his opinion and she can do what she wants with it.

  
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Abortion is a very sensitive subject for many or isn't for some but it's a subject that I for a long time have had thoughts about. I, my self, am Pro-Life but I wasn't what it entitled in any way.It's not like I wasn't pro-choice, sure I believe women should have the right to do what ever they want with their bodies BUT they should also know responsibility.

This morning I woke up and started thinking of the position that Sarah Palin is (McCain's running mate) and well she is obviously pro-life as well. But doesn't believe in abortion if there is rape or incest...hmmm, ok! Now she also promotes only abstinence ideals. Now a few days ago we all found out that her 17 year old daughter is pregnant and keeping the child. Well of course she would have to say that... it would go completetly against her party's ideals. But, why is it that her daughter is pregnant and didn't practice safe sex...oh because they don't allow that in Alaska. Now, this young girl is going to marry her baby's daddy and well congrats on them but how long does a young marriage actually work? I don't know...

well, anyways...
If we all took the life of another more seriously poor babies wouldn't be suffering. How is it so damn difficult practice safe sex? How hard is it to not wear a condom? Well, my boyfriend hates them because they don't feel good. I don't like them either it doesn't feel the same. Well it does feel the same for girls. As for guys I don't know but then if you want the whole feeling them go get birth control It would be safer to use both condom and birth control but people whine about everything. Hey if you don't want to wear contraceptives and you don't want kids then fuck it don't have sex.

But, I love sex.

Then do something right. I do think abortion is wrong but if we were all a little smarter it wouldn't have to be so wrong. If you had sex... well take the morning after pill, obviously you can't so that every time but safe sex has to come in hand. Also, there is RU-486.  But seriously people don't wait until you are 2 months, 3 months... 6 months and are now having doubts. That is stupid and irresponsible. A person has to know that when they do something there are consequesces. If a person has an unwanted pregnancy they should only have a limit until the end of the 1st month. 4-5 weeks total. Morning after pill is only available 72 hours after sex.

We need to all teach our children sure sex is not the right thing to do until you're reponsible but consider the world we live in now. Girls are getting pregnant earlier and earlier and don't only blame the girl. At the end sometimes she is the one has has it worst off to have to hear"Slut", "keep your legs closed"! The boy has just as muich responsibility as well and some how they are notconsidered that responsible. It almost feels as though some boys have detachable penises and do the deed and disapear. There is the poor little girl, who didn't know about safe sex because they only told her not to have sex(abstinence is key) , with a belly growing  week by week. We need to tell our kids the responsibility that comes with sex. The posibilty of pregnancy. We should have all kids take health and each one carry their own baby for a week. Trust me it's not as hard as having the real baby next to you for years to come.

This has been in my mind one because when I got pregnant I didn't really know what to do. My ex at the time wanted me to have an abortion in my 5th month. He begged me, please, and bribed me but I said no. I told him that it was something we were both going to have to live with. I was on birth control but he left my life and I stopped taking it. So obviously that was irresponsibilty but no turning back. I have my son now. He is about to be 3 in december. I knew a little about safe sex but only because he taught me. Now imagen that I would have relied on the school system I would have been pregnant in high school. Sometimes lust or urges cannot be resisted in a teenagers life and that is why we all need to have the talk. It's funny though how all of a sudden he took the position of abortion when he never believed it before.

anyways,
Teach safe sex
Practice Safe sex
Abstinence is old school and doesn't work anymore
(teach them to be prepared)
Teach both kids: boys and girls that it's both of their responsibility

Also, people Rape is a crime and a girl should not have to keep that baby. She will probably feel so low after to have to then tell her a few weeks later... Hey, guess what? You're Pregnant!... it would be the end of the world.  We also need to teach girls of rape and what to do. Go to a hospital and don't be ashamed. It's harder to live yourself than going to ask for help. Ask for a rape kit and I don't know if it includes the morning after pill but I believe it should. That way it prevents a lot of things from happening.

Incest, that's a no brainer unless the couple actually wanted it that way. But there are so many weird things happening now that brothers or family member are taking advantage of the women in their family and it's not fair...

It had been a really long time since I remember smoking a cigarrette but for some odd reason I feels pressure and tension so I said to my self, "hey what the heck...it's your last one anyways." As I sit down in my car and take out the pack I see I have 2 left. Two is not too bad but I guess it is. It's not like I finished all on my own but I have smoked since January more this year than I did the last 3 years. I mean my one pack has one ciggy left. I don't know it it's because of stress of not but I do feel overwhlemed at the moment and I just do not know why. I almost feel like picking up all my stuff and leaving but there is no where to go, and no where to stay. I am so tired of the living situation... not having any privacy, not having my own things, not having a room for me and the baby... I have my own things but they always feel like if anybody feels they just take them. I know I need to do something but I feel I am being held back. I know my parents would just be so upset if one day I tell them well I am moving out. Thanks for everythigs. It almost feels as they exceot me to stay here with them and continue doing eveything the same: Nothing! It sucks because it feels as if it's my responsibility to give everybody rides, do all their bills, letters, calls... I am like a friggin secretary. I wouldn't mind if I was getting paid but my mom wants me to get a job but she is the one holding me back. What do I do? I want  to get one so I can start figuing out the leaving part but I am the one that has to take her to all her Doc appoinments I am the one the deals with all the crap. I don't know maybe once it's all figured out they will learn to deal with their own crap. I am so caught up dealing with theirs that mine is coming secondary and it's still more important to me than they realize. It's so fuckin' stupid.

So, it's weird because this week I only feel and not in a crying mood... I've been doing a lot of talking and realesing a lot of anger in many different ways....hahaha! I guess kind of like a tea pot... It's weird though I still feel a little lonely even though I am closer to some people. For times in life, we sometimes perceive that some people who are very important to us don't care at all of what we feel but it's not always true. For example, Lately I've been talking a little more to my son's grandmother and it seems as though we think alike. We've been finding out so much about each other to find out that we are very alike in the nature we grew up. I told her things she didn't know and in return as did she. It's like we're trying to figure out who each other is to know why we are who we are... and there is a lot of plain in our childhood...  Ever since when I was dating her son back in the day I always admired her. She always treated me like a daughter and I loved and respected her like one. Well that whole family always treated me so special even when I was off in college and would bring me food and water to sustain so moneyless years... But anyways, this special lady although it's taking her a while I think has began to get in to her grandson's heart. Which I have to say it took a while because he always refused her arms but it's seems as though lately he wants to go visit. He spent the evening with her on friday while they gave me a small break and she told me he was great and didn't even ask for me. I think that is a battle won when he forgets about me and doesn't get sad is more than an accomplishment. It makes me happy I can trust him to be with her without the guilt that he might cry or make it very difficult. I know it's also very important to him because he is now realizing that he has 2 grandmothers and although I was very sad I didn't get to meet her mother... For years, she wanted me to go and meet her since they only knew me by stories or pictures and even more after Danny was born but her unfortunate death also left me crying. Firstly because she was a great lady and I only heard good of her and 2ndly because she was my son's greatgrandmother and had wanted to meet him so much.

Anyways, so for a long time i had a huge up and last week was my first down which wasn't so bad since it had been a while since I felt a little saddened but I look forward to moving up from here. I have been a little hesitant as jobs were hard to find but I am going to start on my search and this time I will not be as picky. My mom started on my case about being at home and I told her about the baby and well she keeps going so oh well I guess we'll deal since the money situation is hard anyways...

Also, I am so happy there might be another way to save our house from being sold but I only hope that it's not too late. I willo be sad if we have to move but at the same time I would be very happy because that means growing up and responsibilities and no more realying on such helpful parents. But I don't I just want them to be ok and having their house so I can get my self my job and well pay off what I need to and even go and move out and stuff. We all would love to have our own space but I know it's not always possible. its' hard enough sharing a room with my sis and poor Danny to have to be in there too... no room and Danny and I sleep on a twin bed together... I mean we sleep ok ... could be more comfortable but we do ok for now until it all gets fixed...