I am starting to feel a little sad

I know death is just a fact of a mortal human life but sometimes one tries to disregard it as much as possible until you realize that it is so close to someone you know and dearly love and admire. Well since I have been talking about my grandpa it starting to stir things within and yes I am becoming more aware and scared; there is just a turmoil of emotions running through me at the moment. I have desperation I don't know what to do with. When we are young we just live life as it comes and sometimes we make stupid choices and just learn from out mistakes and move on. But what happens when there is something you just can't change and have to accept it no matter how hard it is. We all know we're going to die... it's a fact. But, we don't ever know when. Well honestly I don't ever think that I want to exactly when I am going to die because then I'll be expecting it and it sucks limiting yourself to such guidelines when they could be very wrong  or yet very right. Although, I feel so sad for my grandpa because I am sure he must be in agonizing pain at times since his colon cancer has spread through out his whole body but he was very fortunate to have lived as long as he did. He is 81 and thank God he had a very nice life and was able to travel a bit. I see my grandparents and I do admire them. Firstly, because they raised 11 kids. they would have had more but many died at the age of 1-3years. Sad! But, the type of living and the lack of medicine and shots sometimes made it hard. Another thing well years before my dad was born my grandpa was also struck by lighting and he survived but at the same time he was struck one of their kids died. The poor little child gave his/her life for their dad to live and continue having more kids. Imagine he would have died then, then my dad wouldn't have been born and that means no Reyna. It's funny how a small thing changes so many things ...haha but I am going out on a tangent. I love grandpa but God will be there guiding his way and we'll still be praying for his well-being and less pain.