So I am going to take a shower so I can go see my grandpa... : ,(

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

I was thankful that we had a nice Thankgiving with family at my aunt's house. We all got to spent time together and spent it with grnadpa. I was thankful Grandpa was still with us and that he was able to see all his children just as he had wanted...

  
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If the internet weren't around, what would you do with your time instead?

Wow, so if there was no internet I am sure I wouldn't be in contact with family, I wouldn't be involved with current events... What would I be doing? I think I would probably be more productive.  I would probably be out and about and enjoying the outdoors a little more...

  
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So, today there is just another day with  a lot of thoughts. Last night I found out Mabel's car wasn't turning on so I didn't hesitate to let her borrow mine. I know that even though I need it she needs it more besides it's difficult enough loosing the house and not exactly knowing where to go. And, I can't imagine how Art sr. feels. It's the last day they have an opportunity to be and it's his birthday. I am sure this is one rough one but although there are bumps I am sure he'll be fine but then again I am hoping that he will be.

I guess for sure we need to go see grandpa. I don't know but I was a little hesitant to go the last couple of days. I know I should have gone but I am weak. I have always been too weak with my heart and emotions... I guess that is my strongest weakness. It's not easy getting in to my feeling anymore but it is... My mom talked to my Aunt Maria today and I guess the nurse from last night said that he had minutes left. As far as we know we're unsure ... I don't know what to think... and  there is nothing i can do.

What I have realized through many experiences in life is that I now like only what can be manipulated... what can be controlled in a matter of speaking... sure I like spontaneous, I like not knowing what is going to happen but just as I like that I like to control certain times in it's moments and frankly lately there is nothing to be controlled. Everything is uncontrollable... well except a few things which in a matter of speaking I am controlling. I know this seems like jibberish but it sure makes me feel good or not I don't know what I am saying...hahaha... I think I am going crazy...

oh, One thing I think I am actually happy is that I have changed a lot in a year. At least I am not as vulnerable as I was... too much has happened in these last 2 years but this last year has changed my life the most... I think it has been the saddest yet the happiest year of my life...
In lamest terms I guess you can say... I let go of all negativity.. my life is positive although many times it feels that it's down the shit hole....

So I woke up with my whole body aching... my mouth felt like I bit it... That wisdom tooth is really killing me now... I am so tired... Food is not doing me well... Yesterday I barely ate and I was hungry so I tried to eat and after a few minutes there I was in the restroom... my tummy was upset... everything sucks....

Well here I am writing as I should be cleaning or something... maybe even eating because I haven't seen yesterday before I went to teach my lesson. I don't understand but there are so many things on my mind and at the same time there's nothing there. It's bugging me out a little. Well actually I lied... I woke up a little tired today because the irritation in my gum because I have wisdom tooth coming out and the third corner is popping out so I am sure that's why. Today feels like any other day... but at the same time it's not. It's hard to explain all this jibberish. I almost feel as though I am expecting something but what would I be expecting. Although for sure I know I need to go visit my grandpa later to see how he's doing. I know his state isn't going to change but being with family helps a lot. My parents left to Ridgecrest but they'll be back... They always haver the idea that they will find a nice place to live there and originally they wanted me to go with them today but since everything that has happened we decided not to. And besides in reality I didn't want to go ... well enough... I am going to find something to do and maybe if I I have to i'll write later... today or tomorrow because there is something else on my mind...hehehe

man oh man

Man oh man did I wake up with a tummy ache. The food was delicious but wow. I feel awake though but I've been up for a few hours since I went to sleep at 3:30am. I woke up and turned up the TV... I guess we have HBO? Which we shouldn't but I don't know I just hope we don't get charged even more... a few days ago they were blocked and yesterday they were on. I mean I put the security code and parental lock on the main one and no one knows my password. It's funny because I have never trusted but anyways that concerns me a bit. But so Danny and I woke up and he tells me,"Mom I'm sickies" and at the moment I had to go to restroom again...ugh...so we went and my stomach just felt so empty and I all of a sudden became really hungry so I went to throw away the bathroom trash and I saw the little oranges we bought in Sam's club the other day. I took the oranges and Danny and I ate oranges for breakfast while watching Live Free of Die Hard. Now...hahaha I started watching Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo DiCaprio but I am not in the mood for it so I don't know . Right now I am kind of bored and just thinking about stuff... I have come to realize that I have some instincts like my Tia Angelica has because she has the same one I do... It's weird but I'm just thinking about our conversation we had last night. She probably has the same feeling and connection with others that I have as well... 

So today was a pretty nice thanksgiving... We went to my Tia Angelica's house. Although it was like any other day since we go and spend time with my grandpa. Although, of course, we don't mind because we're thankful for him: his courage, faith, and strong-will to live. I went in and spent some time in there with grandpa and my grandma was in there. Tia asked me to take his temperature so I did, it was 99.6... so then grandma is so tired she is always falling asleep but she refuses to sleep. We tell her we need her to be strong and rest. The interesting part was that he finally listened to us. She actually went to sleep. My tia Angelica told me that weird she listened but I am glad she did. Before that we had grandpa watching a little bit of the India Maria but he fell asleep. It's so sad though because he is so weak that he wont even close his eyes all the way anymore. He's not even resting completely anymore. My aunt then said that she was going to go to a CVS pharmacy and I asked if I could go with her. She said yea. But then, my dad was telling  me he was tired adn wanted to go home but I has already said I was going to go and wasn't going to back down. So then they all asked me to call the Pharmacy to see if it's still open although it's a 24 hour store but to be on the safe side since it was thankgiving, So I called with the 411 and then a man answered and I asked if they were going to be opened since it was thankgiving and the man then said, "well then we close in 20 minutes" (sarcastically) and of course being a gullible person or not knowing what to expect I said, "really?" and he said no i am just playing we're open 24 hours. And I said thank you an hung up. We headed out. My aunt angelica then started talking to me about my grandpa. she told me that she had a dream which he says she has and are pretty accurate. She mentioned how in these last few days she was so worried about why my grandpa kept leaving and almost transitioning to paradise and then coming out of his deep sleep. She siad that they have been asking him is there is someting he needs to say or if he needs anyone. Well He has gotten to see the last few people he needed to see and my aunt says that when she asks him he says he has something but he can't say. And for a while it ws tormenting her but he always asked God to let her knwo what her dad wanted to say so she feels the relieve and my grandpa feels it too without having to say it. Well she said that in the morning she decided to take a nap before the nurse left so she fell asleep around 7am and she had a dream just as if she was talking to my grandpa.  She said that in her dream she went to him and asked him if he needed to say something and he asked, "que dia es?" and she said it was thursday and then he said that he had one more day left. She said that in the dream he had his escapulario and St Carmelo says that for those who wait until saturday and are ture believers heaven awaits . My aunt told me that when she woke up she felt this understaning peace within. She felt that what she has done is good and if he leaves on saturday she'll thank God for giving her the opportunity to have him there. Also it would give her peace he didn't feel anymore pain. She said that after that she felt no more tears. My aunt says that because her  other siblings are there she rest some because she knows she has the time to spend with her father and they haven't. Some are trying to make time... while the boys... try not to go in... as much they may love him the guilt drives them away a little.  I understand what she is saying... it's true and she wsa been very fotunate to have them there but I am sure it was very hard for her too. She is the baby of the family and has a lot of responsibilty and hardly any help.  Tia and I had some pretty good talks and I think we even became a little closer. I feel peace in my heart as well :)

So my mom and I went to the store to pick up pies and we headed to Tia's to drop them off and see grandpa. When we got there my tias said that he only woke up in the morning and then fell back asleep and he had been sleeping. seeing him there just sleeping made me anxious. I wanted to be there but I felt like a bad person for wanting to leave at the same time. I didn't know what to do... It's just a depressing mood and I wan very tired but then again I can't imagine how my aunts feel. They have been up every night and every second making sure they regulate his fever so it doesn't go up. At this point I admire them deeply. Well we have been there with grandpa and Tia Librada and I read a passage in the Bible... The Passion of Christ and then we were told to go eat dinner and I was happy because I hadn't eaten. Well we were just there and we got the annoucement that my grandpa had awaken for the 2nd time today which was improvement from the day before. So we went to go see him. We all staggered into the room. My mom and I were getting ready to leave but since this happened we decided to pray a rosary. I led the rosary and there were a few interruptions. Like my aunt from Mexico call (tia rosa) but good thing because he was awake. So I kept praying after he finished then my grandpa started coughing and he threw up which was flem... which was good because his body was rejecting the infection in his lungs. I stopped for a little bit and then I was instructed to continue so I did... I felt bad but then again this was for him as well.We finished and we hung around for a few minutes and then I went in and said good bye to everybody. I kiss grandpa good night and told him we would be back tomorrow which is now today ... We're all going to go there for Thanksgiving and give thanks through these hard times...

My dad yesterday had a talk with my grandpa by himself. And when my grandpa woke up today he asked for my dad. Since my dad is a very quiet person he tends to keep a lot to himself. But my mom told me that my grandpa told him he saw the other side (Heaven) and he needed to see him. I know my dad went but I don't know what else my grandpa said but since I will be going over a little later hopefully some one was there. My aunts tell me everything. I guess I somehow have this strong connection to all my family. Sometimes to me it seems a little more than others. I dont' understand it but maybe someday I will.

Well today seems like a better day yet still a little unsure but My grandpa woke up today. So so far, it's a good start. Yesterday everybody was worried it was going to be his last hours with us but only God knows. Either way he has his eyes open and he is talking. Although, my aunt told my mom that he didn't recognize but hopefully he will recognize later on. My dad didn't have work today so he just left to go see his dad. Last night we were all talking to him and hopefully he listened to us and he awoke expecting us there. I know my dad had a private talk with him which he usually doesn't because he is so reserved but it never hurts in any way. Last night as I was leaving I gave him a good night kiss since we always kiss to leave and he was so cold... but I had to give him a kiss good and give him a message also. I whispered in his ear that he was going to be ok and that my cousin Vicky says she loves him. Seeing him just laying in him bed without response was tormentingly sad and I know especially for my grandma since she is still sleeping in the same room. My grandma at 75 has to be strong. I remember when my other grandpa died in 1993 and my mom went to mexico for everything. My mom brought my grandma so she wouldn't be reminded every second of the sadness and loneliness she would feel at her house. And I know if anything happens to my grandpa now my grandma would have to move around a little so she wouldn't just be thinking a lot. And she told me yesterday she would come to my house for a while for the same reason. She knows that she is going to have to leave my aunt's house for a while because she is going to remember too much. *Sigh* Well I am going to go see him tomorrow and hopefully he will be full of life like he was on monday night. He was probably very tired from monday and he needed a long rest. My aunts had said that he had fullfilled everythingi he had asked for and that's why he wasn't waking up yesterday. First he needed to see all my aunts and uncles that were here in the states which all came except 2 from Mexico. And also he had asked about his oldest grand kids because there for a few bad things that has separated the family. Those cousins came  Sunday and Moday and again another of his wishes fullfilled. There were just a few things that needed to be finished so he would be satisfied. I just pray that he has the strength for tomorrow so we can give thanks and if anything be all together as family on what may be his last thanksgiving.

I know probably nobody or a few people may know but my Grandpa Liborio is really ill... Apparently he was diagnosed with cancer about 7 years ago but some of us just found out in the last year because he was being hospitalized but we were told why. Yesterday we went to see him because he had gotten really sick over night and in the morning he didn't know anybody but luckily for us by the time we went he was doing a lot better. He was joking around and asking my aunt to give him whisky... which just meant his drink. He was drinking orange juice and water. His humor for his condition was great... he had us laughing and even though we were all sad we had fun. But I guess last time around 11pm when he fell asleep well he fell asleep and until right now has not woken up. We went to see him today as well and he is just in a deep sleep. He is breathing hard and well my aunts and uncle keep wetting his mouth so it wont dry. But today he had no more food intake or even liquids. They wont even put the IV on him because it would only hurt him, I guess. My aunt told me his Kidneys have given out and is lungs are weak. She told me it's a few hours until he passes... but they are unsure. we just keep praying in his name that if he does pass... may he be in God's glory!

At this point we just don't want him to suffer anymore. He is in a lot of pain but I guess that is why the Lord may have put him in this deep sleep. To rest and relax. Like my uncle said ... If I was in this type of pain I would prefer to die. We all feel extremely down but the pain and change his body is rapidly going through is not fair. It was so hard being in the room with him without that tear escaping through my eye. I was still trying to avoid it but it's impossible. I don't know how to hold them. Then I see my grandma. She told me I am going to be alone. I am use to that if we go places we always go together. I told her to be strong. That she still has us but she said I know I still have all my kids and grandkids but I am going to be lonely without him. The positive thing she said was that after everything she would come and stay with us for a while. I was trying to get my grandparent to come to my house in the end of july. They wanted to come and see my mom on july 26... the day after she came out  of the hospital after her accident but my grandpa had a doctor's appointment friday and well since then they told him that he shouldn't go places anymore. They didn't have the opportunity to come anymore after that so we started to go and visit a little. I guess since then things have been down the hill... We've all had our lows and then even lower lows and we're just hoping that we don't hit too hard at rock bottom. I just hope grandma keeps her head up. I'm tired i'll write again later... sigh...

I want to go and then again I don't. So my mom and I discussed once more the dream I have always had to go from California. But instead of it being my choice she really wants me to go and I don't understand the sudden change of heart. Like she told me when I was pregnant. She said that when I graduated from high school she wanted me to go to school out of state. And I guess in a way things would have happened differently if I had but that doesn't matter now anyways. It's just what she told me. She is really encouraging me to go with my cousin out of state. She started telling my sister even before I made any decisions. I am stuck in a way. Should I go or should I stay. If I go that means I am going to leave my son behind. If I go I might have an opportunity to a job and a new life. I don't know what I want. I have great things here but sometimes I wonder if I can have better which I know I can but then again sometimes I wonder if I really want to... Should I go or should I stay...

Right now I just feel weak about everything. I don't know why I am crying... maybe just like my cousin told me that he is a realist... I told him I was too but the only difference was that I had too much estrogen so emotions would get the best of me. And he says, "I'm sorry."  I don't want to cry but I don't know what to do. I cannot control this. I can't control everything. I have learned that the unexpected that I can't control freaks me out. I need something to work with or mold into something. It sucks when you know that a family member is going to pass away and all you have to do is wait. It's not fair for them. The thing is also that we can't blame God for wanting ti take away the pain and take them into his Glory. We should rejoice that they will not feel pain after that but instead we make th etransition hard and we cry.When I am there with him in the room all I could do is try and smile when he looks at me and then I see his pale face and his attempts to stay awake and aware  just makes me cry and tear up. I dry them away but they just keep rolling down my cheeks without control. I turn my head up and breath. I'm ok for a minute then I just want to  go scream just as my aunt Angelica did Saturday but I can't. I want to scream, I want cry outloud. I want to do something but I can't... there is nothing to do. All we can do is pray and hope for God's blessing and forgiveness... I don't knwo but I'm going to pray a rosary for them and then we'll see...

Cancer
by My Chemical Romance

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are
chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors
My sisters and my brothers, still
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you.

Now turn away,
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/aht ]
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hair's
abandoned all my body,
Oh my agony
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo
But counting down the days to go.
It just ain't livin'.
And I just hope you know
That if you say
Good-bye today
I'd ask you to be true
'Cause the hardest part of this
is leaving you...

'Cause the hardest part of this
is leaving you...

Tia Angelica's house

Well we just came back from visiting my grandpa. He isn't doing very well.He looks so pale... We ask him how he feels and he says that he feels fine but we all know the pain he is in. It's so sad to stay there sometimes that we can't contain our tears at least I can't at times. For moments I think I can be ok but there are time that I just can't hold them in. Poor thing he can't even get out of bed anymore, he has to constantly be drinking liquids because his mouth gets dry. I spent most of my time in there in the room. The one thing that he dies good in is keep his humor. I think that is what has kept him with us for this long. I guess he has been fighting with this cancer for 7 years. Well it was detected then but after all those operations and chemo therapies I guess everything that was able to be done was but it's too late now. The colon cancer was spread through his body and now his insides are going crazy creating new sicknesses and since there is nothing to be done they can only put him on oxygen and up the morphine every time he feels pain.

Today I got  to see 2 cousins I hadn't seen in ages. Well I saw my cousin hector about 8 years when my grandma and grandpa had their 50th wedding anniversary but I hadn't spoken to them really since I was a ittle girl. A lot of shit happened in the family and well like many families there was hatred and chaos... and lack of family unity and the pointing of the finger. Well when I saw my 2 cousins at first I still felt that they were upset but I never really knew what happened. I know my uncle had left their mom but we didn't had any fault. My cousin, he, is about 10 years older than me and she is 9 years but there is one more Evelia.... I am not sure but they are the eldest from the cousins in my dad side of the family. I know my grndpa hadn't seen him in years also well because of the distancing... When my grandpa finally asked my cousin who he was from he said from my tio Lupe and my grandpa looked a little worried or concerned. I know he paused for a good minute but who knows what he was thinking. Then my grandpa finally asks if he is the one from the marriage. And well my cousin says yes... because my uncle left their mom for some other lady and has another family and kids and grandkids also but without divorcing or marrying the other lady. My grandpa then says I don't understand how this could have happened. We never demonstrated this example... It was one of those things that no one could have said anything.

I got talking to my cousin and I found out that he and were very similar. I know it took a while to loosen him up. I had to find a way to get in... which music was the gateway. He's a composer... writes his own music, loves his guitar... and well loves Art in general. I think that was what got us to start the conversation. he allowed me to hear something he was working and he allowed himself to eat and socialize a little. I know we probably talked for like over an hour and it was nice because we had intelledtual conversations. I found ot that he majored in Japanese when he was in college which is pretty amazing.

I guess sometimes we really just need to get to know the whole family to see why you are who you are. Sometimes I wondered where I fit into the picture but I am starting to see more and more how things are. Although it's quite sad at the circumstances why we are being united  but the fact was that tragic as it is, my grandpa is bringing us together and making us a little more united as we should have been from the beginning. Just as my mom's accident my cousin's mother... although she had had a lot of pain and anger towards the family and my mom she called and made amends with my mom by calling her in the hospital. It's weird how someitmes thinngs happen. They are unexplainable but God finds a way. Like the saying goes, God doesn't close a door without opening a window. I think God is giving us an opportunity to fix things that just couldn't be done without aide.   

I remember the story of the last time my grandpa told me and my sister when we went to visit him right before he was condemmed to bed rest. He told us of the time he was trying to get away from something I think there was a fight or something going on in Mexico so he would have to be enlisted to the military. So I think he was 20 and to be exempt he would have to be 25 so since he still didn't have his birth certificate he went and got one done and well with his he added 5 years to his age so he became 25. He passed the age limit and they let him be. So now, when people ask for his age he says that according to his birth certificate he is 86 but then he says he is actually 81. He was born in July, 1927. He is I believe 4 years older than my grandma but I am going to have to ask again. I am almost sure she is 77...  Can't believe they have been together for 58 years now. I just see my grandma suffer so much. They have been through so much and this will be the last thing they fight through together as husband and wife. My aunt Angelica, she is the youngest of their kids and the one taking care of both of them, that my grandpa worries so much about her. It just brings tears to my eyes. After so many years they have truly become one.

So. . .

24 was awesome. . . I thought. I enjoyed the 2 hours and can't belief the season will be on dvd on tuesday well that's what i saw on the tv. . . Exciting. . .

24

I can't believe it's finally on. I've been waiting for 24 for over a year since it was suppose to come out last year and it was canceled because of the writer strike. Well so far it's the begining but we'll see by the end of the 2 hours but i'm excited. :)

Jurassic Park

I believe the year was 1993 and i was 8 years old. I remember being a little insistant to wanting to see it. It was my first movie and all my cousins were going to see well i wanted to be a big kid too. . . While being in the theater i realized i wasn't mature to watch because i had to leave in many occasions of fright. Well now i realize that even a 13 year old would have some trouble understanding or even have the patience to get through a 2 hours and 7 mins worth of movie. Even now at the age of 23 sometimes i feel the same nerves i did back in the day. But also i think some 13 years wouldn't get it with the biology although they don't need to understand but it can get overwhelming at times. I guess it can also be the suspense which makes it a movie you just can't take your eyes off. Well i'll come back later to write since i have no internet until tomorrow this is my out. But thank God for tomorrow! Internet and TV. . . New channels we've never had before.

Well

Still til now i didn't know what we were going to do for thanking and even though times have been very hard God knows we are thankful for all the opportunities, family unity and all the hardships we have to overcome individually and as a family. I sometimes don't know why things happen but the fact of the matter is that they do and we must strive forward and not let our heads to get below our shoulders.

Today

I ended up canceling my lesson today even though i wanted to have them. That means that been 50 dollars less in the past 2 weeks. :( But of course more important things sometimes have to be done. We went to go see him. I guess this last dying wish was to have almost all his kids there and all but 2 were here. Of course the ones from mexico cant be here but my aunt and uncle from minnesota drove down. All of my uncles i hadn't seen in years were here. . . It was quite an amazing picture. It was really sad though. . . He told them what he needed to have his peace. And i know a few of them couldn't take it but it was something very special to witness. Grandpa is so pale. I guess his cancer is really bad now. It was sweet because when he asked for forgiveness uncles said that they should be sorry for being bad. It was a good and sad day. I thank the Lord for allowing him to be with us for his 81 years of age and 58 years of marriage with my grandma. I also saw the pain in my grandma's eyes. It was painful.

. . .

Well life i guess seems difficult all around. Problems are everywhere and sometimes we wish we could help but we are in no position to help any more. We are still not doing well and on top of that my dad has been on bed rest since last saturday and no work this week. :( Sometimes we all have so many problems we just try to hang out with those who don't so we forget about our own problems. . . Or talk with those going through the same thing and still try and forget. I think we might go see my grandpa. If my uncles and aunts are setting time at my aunt's house it means it's not looking good. But i don't know anything yet.

I went

So i finally decided to go to an sai alumni meeting. I actually felt really happy to go. Unlike being in the chapter at the end. I felt as though i fit it. It was a welcoming and warning gathering. Going kind of made me feel the love of music i once had which was the reason why i had joined during those rough months in the spring of 04. Sai became a family with my pleg sisters as they consoled some tears. Some of my closest friends and now i have a new opportunity for more freedom and happiness. :)

Still. . . And still

Yea. . . I'm still tired but it's because organizing all those boxes sure takes a lot from you. Well firstly trying to get through and making room to move boxes and saving them. Hopefully tomorrow we can have a small yard sale or something and if nothing sells maybe donation. But, doing all that yesterday was good though because i helped my sis find all her missing stuff. But i also twisted my ankle. It feels a little weak but i walk fine. Ay. . . Ay . . .ay :( :)

Kind of happy

So it's been quite a while since i've had any contact with any of my sai sisters and i think it's time i get involve again in the alumni society. It's been pretty much 2 years and i think thu would give me some time for me to became sane again. . . I need to strat doing stuff again and i still see friends involved in their activities they use to have and the great thing about this it that most of the girls are now married and or they have kids so i wont be overwhelmed :)

Bored

So i'm a little bored a little tired as usual. My shoulders are begining to be sore and i actually feel like sleeping all day. . . It's weird because a while back i couldn't even sleep now i just wish to stay in my room and not be bugged. I go online on my phone and there is nothing interesting. It's so hard writing on this with my phone although at times it's easier. I know contradictory. It's funny right now Danny is trying to put his chon chon - his underwear on. He doesn't wear any but at least he's trying now :)

Cont. .

Not the way you want it to. Sometimes i wish these strange things but i hope they don't come true. I've come a long way from high school and i think i've lived a pretty full life. I think that if anything happened to me right now i would repent for a few things but i would be happy. Well as soon as i confessed everything to everybody but it would have to be total end. Then it would be an episode of secrets revealed to all. . . To sweetners attached just take it all like a man. Family shocked. . . You know :) but i'm going to try and sleep before i get real mad. 2 entries got deleted so he thoughts a lil off . . .that's why.

Cont

Of the people i know to the the baby but it was one of those once upon a love sort of things you sometimes don't know what happened or how. It's funny how life works at times. I still don't loose the hope of the other baby i want. I mean i love this baby so much and it's hard to even think i could love another litte being as much as this one but i want certain genes. You know it's weird because sometimes i do a lot of determining based on genes but obviously heart is stronger hence why i don't have a baby with green eyes right now. It's weird because it seems as though i'm followed by guys with colored eyes and i just realized it. Another thing is that i've had my dream guy in front of my face. You know the one you say that you pictured since you were little and i had picked my son's father then. I was an idiot. I had them and let him go. How sometimes we makes choices you can never take back. The whole package and all gone. I never realized it stupid hindsight. I guess life processed the way it wants to not

Cont

Allow someone to love me when it's not fair. I mean i don't even know if someone can even have a chance. So far, i can't i just push them away and probably have hurt a few. I guess i'm being selfish and i hate that i've hurt a few but lying would be worse. Why is it that nothing is stopping me yet at times i feel like i have a lot to loose. Why is it that everytime i meet someone all i see are flaws and not their good qualities. The sad part i guess also is that i see those flaws in all my guy friends. . . Maybe i have realized that liking them, having crushes, lovings them led to deceit and more pain. . . Those closer are the ones to stay away from. It's weird because when i was younger and thought more stupid thoughts i use to want to just get life over with but not before leaving my mark. I wanted just enough time to have a baby but not any baby a baby from one of the smartest friends. I don't know why. . . But either way i guess you can say i had the opportunity to the the baby. . . Not of the smartest

Unsure

Here i am writing through my phone again. I just finished watching Girl Interrupted, great movie by the way. Right now there are so many things on my mind. Right now i'm having so many issues and i thought i was ok. I'm healthy so why is this falling apart together. It's like every time something like this happens i start seeing more flaws and more and to a point i cant even see a mirror because i don't want to see what others see. I know there are times i see pretty and confidant but as much as i feel a little more confidant why is it i feel the ugliest now? Sometimes i where my make- up and then look in the mirror i don't know hoping to see someone else but i only see of. Plain ol' me. I don't know what i'm purpose to do to see what i want my eyes to see. . . The sad thing is that it's always befor this way. I only feel pretty once. . . And i never feel it anymore. Well they say that when you love some one it should be unconditional but i don't know if i can ever do that again. I don't know if i can allow

On my phone

So here i am in the house we're renting without internet and still with a lot of work to do. Sure trying to move and moving all the things were a hassle but i feel more stressed out now. My right arm has been breaking out with small bumps and no one elses. It's we're but i itch a lot and it sucks. Now what i'm suppose to try and do it is organize everything in the garage. Everybody has missing stuff and well it needs to be found and unpack any stuff we actually need. And to think we're trying to move again in hopefully half to 3 quarters of the year. My back is sore and i'm tired. Right now i just feel a lil weak and o extremely exhausted. It wont go away. :(

The Animal I have become
by 3 days Grace

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)


The Animal I have become
by 3 days Grace

I actually love this song... especially for the music but when I looked up the lyrics they somehow reminded me of the way I sometimes feel. I strive so hard to change everything and sometimes I just can't help it. I've become this person I sometimes wish I hadn't but sometimes I'm happy with... It's sad but people have seen the darker side of me and they disregard it. At one point I had to safe myself from myself... and many did not understand but this (thing)or (animal) is this being that rushes through and then hibernates for a while.

Lately I have feeling and sensing that I am going towards a wrong path... it's like one of those that you know that sometimes you can help it but then again you can't. At times I think about it but I come to an endless conclusion it will go away... you know like a phase. I am sure people can tolerate it for a while while I figure out what to do...  The funny thing is I feel heartless... almost a puppet like. Almost as though I am being handled and I never exist... It sometimes feel as though everyday is a whole different life. It is hard to explain... but sometimes I feel as though I am not myself but of course this is stupid because as much as we feel otherwise we will always be us in a way... whether body, mind or soul... There is this attachment that is leading me towards God and there is my boulder blocking my path... I know I am strong but I am too darn weak... As I get ready for bed I contemplate on my daily thoughts... actions ... and heart... I sometimes think if I were to die at this very moment would I repent for the few sins I have committed and to be honest I don't I would burn in hell, right? It's interesting how sometimes the things you regret so cmuch hold you back so much... I do eventually repent but it takes me a while and it shouldn't although I cannot lie to myself. How many of us are perfect and there are zero to none... No one is perfect! I guess I don't really know what I am saying all I know is I am writing and letting out nothingness that fulfill my every day blah! If I died today would I be saved? No... Sometimes are much as we try it's hard to keep it up. So, I go to mass every Sunday and I listen to what the priest says... I try my best to understand it and I have even bought my self a bible and some prayer books... I guess I am gettting better at leading the rosary and I am happy that I know I do it...  Yes... I am Catholic. I some other denominations say things like it's repetitive but it's not about the repetitveness it's what you feel when you hear those words coming out of people's mouths... sometimes I get chills down my spine and others butterflies... See for a while I feel into this theory that my son's father gor me into believing in Atheism but even though I fell into it, a little agreeing with many things to said, I realized that God never let me go and fall down the path of infinite emptiness. It's weird because I know I have had huge doubts and many questions but when I started reading my bible many questions and doubts left me... almost as I was fulfilled for a while ... then again here I am. I am not doubting there is a God because someone is watching... prayers get answered so what I want to know is how? What can I do to make myself happy or well happier to be myself without thought of wanting to punch someone in the face. Why is it that it doesn't affect me when some people say some things... How can I cut this string that sometimes holds me back from doing/getting what I really want in life? What do I really want in life? School? Well what major? Teacher? Masters? Willt hat fulfill what I need? What about career? Massage therapy? I am going to be enough of a strong back bone to support my son and not have to think of asking for help? Those are all a few questions that enter my head on daily basis... Can I make it on my own? Can I make it on my own? Can I be my own woman without thinking about the help from a man? Will I ever be accepted for who I am where ever I am? Can 3 fit in a life of 2?

So today I went to take our cans to the recycling so we got $150 so that's 150 more than we had before and it's going into a piggy bank for the next house. I changed the addresses for the water, gas and light... so as of now in the other house we have gas and water... there has always been light but they are still going to see it tomorrow and put it in our bill of course. Maybe tomorrow go to the post office ... and change the phone to the other address... it's a big hassle but it's done :D
\Today was my little cousin Jesus Sanchez's birthday he is 1... yay!

So I know I complain of being tired but I haven't been this tired or at least my body hasn't been this worn out. I swear my legs feel so heavy... We started moving things early inthe morning and stopped when it got dark... so then I also massage this Army Sargent who is a vet ...so of course I thanked him for his service and i did my work. He was please because he threw his back out helping family move this weekend now I am the one in need... :( Well actually I just need rest and sleep but of course there isn't going to be much of that until we are out of here and we turn in the keys on Saturday and say good bye to our 10 year old home...
I just finished doing another little job... I guess I am being tested to see if I can translate to spanish from english and hopefully get another little something for doing it every week... yeah... I have a lot of little jobs but nothing that keeps my mind of things...

The only one

It seems as though i am the one moving stuff over. It seems as though i am going to be moving by my self or i'm going to through some tantrum soon. I'm moving boxes and taking them arranging them and here are my sister and brother knowing or looking at me do stuff and they don't care. I know that it's not my whole responsibility to do it all. I mean first of all i packed all of that junk by my self and i'm taking it by my self. Where is the fairness. There's none. And them in between i'm also doing the massages so i'm a lil tired but i keep trying. I take in visitors and on one shows or says hello to them. I feel a lil overwhelmed with the on help and i'm not complaining i'm doing it because i'm suppose to move stuff but it's not my solely responsibilily. You understand. Ugh. . .

So I woke up today and again my phone service is once again cut off... man that sucks! I just gave a credit just a few days ago but I guess that wasn't enough. Even if I pay the other $62 I will still just be a month behind and now the extra $for reconnection... because this is the 2nd time. I though the credit would delay it but no. It's $15 each time... so this sucks :(

If you had to give up one sense (taste, smell, vision, hearing or touch) which one would it be? Why?

This is a very hard one and I tried giving them all up one at a time then I would say to my self...well I need it..of course I do they are my senses. But if I had to give one up for sure... I think i would give up my vision. I know reading music would be harder but I would learn to appreciate everything i can't see even more. I wouldn't be as concerned about my appearance I would dedicate more time to things that really matter in my perspective not the perspective the others wanted or want me to see...through their eyes

  
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If you could take a year off from school/work, what would you do?

it's oddly funny because I have been doing that... Although one dreams when working and going to school,"if I had that time off I would travel for a bit... would relax..."...etc but I wish it was more fun. I mean I am not complaining I love what I am doing but it hard at times... Well I don't have a j-o-b because I don't want 1. because there are no jobs I want and 2. I was not going to go working at a fast food and smell like stinky food... eww... so I guess because the economy is a little hard and I am a bit stubborn... I am taking care of my son for right now. I am never ever going to complain about that because I am still seeing him grow and grow and if I were working I would have missed all of this. So I guess I am doing exactly as I should be doing if I could take a year from school/ work... spend time with my family and my son :)

  
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So, I was very happy and am still excited about the outcome of the election. It was something special and to an extent quite emotional for many. Although I am a little sad about many of the propositions but it's ok I am sure they well be over turned anyways...it's just a matter of waiting for a small while.

So, last time was the first time in a really long time I actually got a good night sleep. I don't know why but I fell asleep at around 10:30p after seeing the results and woke up at 8:30...  Man, did I need sleep... wow... hahaha...

It seems as though my parents decided for the smaller house after all... everybody being stubborn...go figure! We're all going to be tight until my parents saved some money to move to a bigger house... well what I mean is buy a bigger house.... I don't know how small this house is but I guess at least there are 3 rooms but the having one bathroom will be a big issue... I know it will... I guess we'll see how this turns out... 

SO I found my first diary/ journal that I use to write in when I first move to the house we're in and I found it kind of funny so I am going to write my 2nd entry... mind you I wrote as I was writing a letter/ being talked to... It might be a little weird but yeah...

                                                                                                                 Dec. 29, 1998
HI!
How are you? I am fine thank you. I am a little sad because of Danny Gamboa's death. It's been a week. Well I barely started my 24th book for the knights of the reading Round table. I want to finish a lot of books before vacation is over but this is the last book of the year because New year's Eve is in two days and New Years in 3 days. I am so happy because on New Year's eve in a week it's going to be my 14th birthday. That makes me feel good 'cause now I am going to be older. I already feel big because I am more independent there isn't any friend to tell me what to do. Now more than ever I have been wanting to know how it feels  to you know kiss a boy. In the soap operas the kissing makes me feel desperate but I wont kiss somebody until a guys likes me and I like him right back but for me seems almost impossible but I know when I do get married I will probably be telling my daughter, if I have one, one of my stories. One thing I wish I do have is a daughter because otherwise then I would feel bad because then I wouldn't have a mother-daughter talks. I wouldn't talk abouto sex, where babies come from, boys, kissing and other little things. I know right now I can't think of anyone who isn't Danny but I also bet that I wouldn't even kiss kiss him because it would be  hard. Maybe he likes me and doesn't want to admit it but I also don't want to hate him. I know if he tells me stuff I don't like when and if he call on my birthday. I am going to say "this is what I get for being a friend in 5th grade" but I guess you hated being my friend and know since I moved I ccan't do anything about it. You also hate me because I have people people, friends  of mine saying that I use to stare  at you. When did I do that? I remember everything I did in 4th grade and you know what I never saw you until 5th grade and that's when I started liking you but that doesn't matter you gave me your number the last day of school in 5th grade and now you ask Dulce if she gave me your numbe but , no----o. I've had it for years A little while back I found your number and I said to myself why do I have this number if I don't use it so I called you when we were going to be 7th graders. I kept caliing you a while then you stopped talking / you know I didn't even know why and did it all happened. (don't know what the means) One day Dulce left home and I waited for her after school like I always did and she never came becauase her mom picked her up. I left on my way, close to Roosevelt, on Broadway and I scream across the street to see if you knew where she was at. You know what you did well you just saw me and dogged me and out your head down. I didn't know what was your problem. I went home very mad because you hated me. I have always known you have hated me but I am stupid. My friends, some, talk to you but I never did. All your friends always dog me and that made me think(wonder) a lot why? Do they hate me? The conclusion you! You turned them against mewhen I got close to you. In 7th grade I met 8th grader guys that were nice to me, one reason I was in their basketball team another I was nice to them too then once I saw you talking to them at different time so I figured that they were your friends so I didn't care but then they stopped talking to me... reason I guess you. You've been my problem for years but I didn't care for a while and that's why I like you but I really.... something. It looked like everytime I had friends you just cutted in and took them away. I have never had good friends. I don't know if it's your fault, you have something to do with it. I heard there have been rumors spread about me in the past years who ruined some friendships of mine. They were spread by Dulce, she was a big enemy to me. I think you believed her and so you started to hate me. Now I see that you talked to me and then you heard the rumors but still talked to me and were friends but people didn't just believe what they heard and you know what? Most of them are always lies. Now I am glad I moved from Jefferson. I would've been a loner over there. I feel lonely only from the inside because a friends died 2 weeks ago; he was a marine. You know ... do you think the Marines are a good way to kill oneself, like suicide?
That;s what I would say well I have to go clean my room because it's a mess...


yeah... I weird... when I was reading it I was laughing... dont get me wrong tht crush lasted for years... he is still a good looking boy i think. But i was crazy, literally speaking. I think I became somewhat normal when I met my son's father and sometimes I think well what if I hadn't... I'd be some freak... weirdo... hahaha... good times, man

What issues are most important to you this election season?

I think that right now, for me, 3 of the utmost importance issues have to do with the economy, global warming( finding other sources of energy) and fighting against all discrimination...
I know there are still those that are fighting against freedom for all which is "yes on prop 8" but the fact of the matter is that discrimination is discrimination whether we are straight, bi, gay, lesbian, mexican , hispanic, black, white... we all need to have rights and that is it... it doesn't say anything about going against tradition marriage. I want to get married eventually too and to a guy but my right is not being challenge I just wish others have the same rights as I do. And a partnership between 2 lovers is completely different than marriage... they do not have the same exact rights. If that is the case ban marriage in it complete form.
Economy, there are many people without jobs loosing their homes and not being able to provide for their families... well this needs to be resolved. We need more jobs and we need someone in office that is looking out for the people of it's country not only the big companies.
Also, we need to start depending on those oil companies from other countries... so what if we don't have that much oil in our country there are other forms or energy we need to start taking in consideration if we want the world to prosper instead of diminish for our grandkids...We need to make the Change NOW!!!

  
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Besides everything that is going on... I am actually quite happy that that voting done... I went in and was out in like 2 minutes I guess that is what it takes when you read the propositions from the day you get them and understand your own reasoning. It's funny because in many places I heard Vote yes and something or vote no well the wording made sense there are just those that want you to vote the way they think and we should all vote in the way that is right for us... I am very satisfied although now I am a little worried about another 2000 election happening... You know that hadn't come to mind until I was reading a headline last night... oh goodness... keeping these fingers crossed...

So ok this is the situation... now I am not only going to sleep later and I also waking up in the middle of the night....
So, My dad called the lady of the house that we went to go see on Sunday and said she was acting a little strange. I don't know if she is having doubts but my dad makes enough to cover what she is asking for but now she wants to know my income because we said I work for the high school (well there isn't any right not) and my sister's ... the paper asked for the cars the we have we listed them... and now she wants to know all of our driver lisences numbers... this lady surely hasn't even read the paper or even know what she is talking about... But my mom knows her but they are also in need of renting the house. Now my dad told the lady to call my mom today then and if she forgot the lady said for my mom to call her. Well Here is the thing... my mom is being stubborn and will not call... she says something about principle crap... I am sure they don't realize the stress they put me on when they start theiur tantrums... It's a good house, it's a really good deal and I am the one that is packing... come on... That house has 3 bedrooms and a den and 2 bathrooms...and the house we are going to settle for is 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom... come on now... we struggle now because we have 2 bathroooms and we need 3 now is going from 2 to 1 fix the principle of the thing... My parents are too stubborn and need to wake up from their dream land world...

Sunday 11-02

Ok, So strangely enough I am being haunted by dreams.... no they're not nightmares but they bug me all day... When I am asleep ...ok so I dream and when I am dreaming that heavily then obviously I am not resting all too well... secondly I remember them and I am trying to make sense out of them all day but I come to no conclusion so in the end I am puzzled with a head-ache. Last time, I was finally sleepy at time which was 11 something in the pm and then my phone beeps... stupid e-mails... I go to the rest room and well now I am wide awake again without being tired...ugh!! I don't know when I go to sleep but I wake up at 3am and there I am thinking and trying to go to sleep... it sucks... all I do is think and hear this solo I had in my dream. I haven't heard anyone play a solo like that in a bari-sax ever... I think the sound of a bari-sax in the most beautiful sound... eeverytime I hear in jazz music... or in latin music it just gives me a feeling of fullfillment... That sound is amazing. Too bad I've never heard anybody play like that only in a dream... who knows who the player was but the music was beautiful... When I use to go to jazz concerts in Redladns i would sit and listen to the bari but they would hardly feature it. In concert music it was featured everyonce in a while but it's the jazzy... un-sqaured tonguing tone of it that amazes me... maybe it's because I am a sqaure and tried the tenor sax but didn't suceed too much or was dwelled in presure in my day... ahhh... but even right now I see like shiny silver instrument just singing away... It's amazing thinking of it just gives me butterflies... I've learned to appreaciate much more music in weird ways... I give I just wait for it to reach my heart :]

ok on another note,
so yesterday we went to look at a house and I think it's a keeper... it's a nice house! But I think we don't have too much time to playing around anymore since we have to be out by the end of next week with a clean house... and blah, blah, blah. My mom ended up knowing the lady that is renting which is great but we'll see there is always misunderstandings and mom is always trying to be selfish so problems arise. We were all happy with the house... meaning my sis, my parents and I since my brothers stayed in the car but when we got home the isues started and bickering... irriatating... so then my mom started telling me if we move out of state her, Danny and me and I said no it wouldn't work out. If I were to leave for any reason it's to have space from her but she doesn't get it. I love her but she tried to control me too much and which that in mind I would never be free...  She asked why not and all I said I can't I'm not ready which I am not... she would always get her way and if she didn't then she would be depressed and I would feel bad and you knowdo it anyways... that is how she works... I always do things for people because I feel bad to say no even though sometimes by heart and mind are screaming at me to say somethings.I know I am stupid at times but I am also helpful... which I am going to die being walked on all the time....
Anyways, so we have high hopes that that house is the one for a while it's in southridge but a part I had never seen ... but it's a beautiful place ;)

So another thing,
So the girl that came to our house October 9... well when we went to look at the house she looked kind of sad... I don't know why but maybe because we weren't including her in the consersation which she had no say, or choosing a room because she is a temp... I don't know but I understand in a way... Well interesting enough when we came back she was making some calls and well in the evening she left? It was weird but we weren't expecting that although we were kind of hoping that she would find a place soon. I mean well it's for her own good. We're having our own issues and well having another person at times made it difficult because we did take her in consideration.  But, she had a home here for 4 days short of 4 weeks. I hope her the best but at least the house now we don't have to worry about retiring to our rooms so that someone could sleep in the living room. Well yeah, for right now that'll do...

What is your favorite thing about the fall season?

The one thing I love about the fall is that it gets fresher and it starts raining... other than that I can't wait until winter... granted it's a California winter but I hate the hot hot hot blazing sun...

  
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Why do you think people don't vote? Are they lazy, apathetic or jaded by politics?

Well I just think that most people are apathetic and lazy... they just dont' care. It's doesn't matter to them because they feel it hasn't affected them much. But I think they're stupid because all they are saying is that they themselves are not important. Well it makes me mad because they complain about everything and anything but are not willing to try to change... that is why the voting system is suppose to give the majority vote to whom ever the population wants but with disinterests sometimes we end up all loosing...

  
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When you look back, what was the best time of your life?

Without a doubt in my pitty little mind I can say that so far the best time of my life was in high school my junior year and next follows the now...If you're wondering why... the unconditional happiness...I had it all... everything...

  
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If your friends or family members were having financial difficulty, would you help them out?

With the situation most people wish they can help and of course many want to help and can't but it's not always just helping monetarily. Of course I would help without a doubt. And I do help as much as I can. I give my mom rides everywhere she needs to go. I make calls, paperwork and what ever my father needs me to do. I help my taking my brothers to places they need to go and my dad can't or anybody else for that matter. I allow my sister to use my car when she needs to go to work. I took over my mom's self-employment job as a massage therapist and provide some food for the house. I think that I do my best to help out as much as I can in this struggle for survival.

  
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What city were you born in? Do you have any memories attached to it?

Well I was born in Los Angeles... and well the only attachment I have was the family where I grew up... but no attachment to the city. As a matter of fact I don't like too much of my childhood and it wasn't all too bad... but I don't know... I guess too many drive bys... and not fun...

  
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Do you abide by the speed limit when you drive? If not, how far over the limit do you normally go?

Well I can say I surely try but like most in California...eveybody speeds or you're the problem...
In the streets I tend to go 5-10 over but to follow the car's speed limit. On the freeway I go 10-20 also cars' speed limit and everybody drives fat anyways... although the stupid thing was I just received a speeding ticket a week ago. The cop said I was going t10 over but I was going 5 over and I was not the fast car but I was the closest to him... oh well :(

  
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You know what's on my mind? A friend... or someone I think is or was or whatever... but every single time I see his effin profile he pisses me off... I don't understand why. I guess he is the 2nd person tp really piss me off for nothing and I guess because I thought we were friends... or we were back in the day but I wasn't willing to give up so easily in the friendship and he would push me away. I don't hate him but I do... I guess I am not use to the fact the he gave up over nothing and un capricho...fucken idiot... He was the one person who would hear my whine and complain and would talk me out of things now... who knows what trash he talks to... Yeah I know that's mean but what ever... he left me hanging so many times after I needed his friendship and at first he said we were best friends... I never cared I liked me at first I didn't look at him different but I tried to still be as close to him as ever... Come on he took me out to a movie and ice cream when I was pregnant was having the baby so bad after all to loose touch and bever speak to me again... I don't care he hate the baby's father that was not my business... But I guess what is done is done and can't be undone... I've done and tried too much... maybe I was just too late... but I wasn't because he stopped talking to me and I still kept and all of a sudden oh so busy and no time... no answering texts... you know what I am going to see how he is doing... You know sometimes you care so much for a person because they were such a big impact that the fact that they are not there is just frustrating because you can't explain it... but I don't know maybe I'm being selfish? Can it be that? WEll I am not gaining anything... but we use to fight before and we were both stubborn but eventually I started respecting him for his points of views instead of giving him the contrary but time change...people change... and we all move on... So stupid little feud out orgizations had because of a blond chick should be a huge cause a a friendship like that...
It just started pouring love it... love the rain...

It's seems like forever.... grrr

Wow, It's only 8:30... Everytime the time changes it feels like an eternity. I guess the only good thing is that we'll get an extra hour but besides that I'm already longing for something to do. I know I am always tired in the morning but why can't I sleep still...

So I just did some stupid bulletin on myspace to let time pass... I sometimes don't know what to do I am so bored. There is nothing to do. nothing on tv and I know my sis wouldn't want to my fav Dvds... Danny fell asleep early today which I hope he stays that way until tomorrow morning so we can go to church. I have started biting my nails and I know this is a dirty, dirty, habit..but lately I have just been so inclined... There is somethin wrong.. maybe I just need to be around more people that don't stress me out but then again when I hang out with people I don't talk... I am weird.. Everybody tells me. Although I am not too weird but I am weird... bored... grrr I don't even have anything to say because I am so bored... I am so bored I have stories but I don't want to tell just yet...