Oh yeah, so I think we're ok until the 15th ... after that we're fucked because we have nowhere to go... lol. Oh well... That's going to mean in a few days there wont be internet because I am going to have to pack all my electronis and I hope this time where ever we move there is a phone jack in my room because I am really tired of sharing... and being a good sis. They need to do something...really!

It's so weird last night I was just in my room just staring at my dark room. I would try and watch tv but everything was too boring for me. I mean there were funny shows but I was being impatient. My sister and I share rooms and she has been trying to go to sleep earlier but I start getting my sensation to clean.... and be a busy bee at night. It's a splurge of a need to clean... I use to have those in college. When things has bad I would spend the whole night cleaning. I Can't here. She needs to sleep and hates the light. I could sleep with light or no light it makes no dufference... I could manage but she can't. Sometimes I get frustrated because I can't sleep but what can I do? And because I don't go to sleep early I am waking up at 8:30 to 9am and that is later and later than I use to wake up. :( Maybe it's because I have drastically changed my eating habits. That might have nothing to do. I changed everything on Sunday which was obviously something big but I actually feel better. I feel a lot better sure the first few days I was lagging it but still couldn't sleep. I wake up and I still feel tired but I have a lot of energy... Of course I dont' jump off the walls like Danny ...hehehe... but I need to get control.  The other day my sis was asking if I got moody because I guess when she tried to do what I'm doing she would be edgy and jumpy and would bite our heads off. But, I told her that it's something I knew I was going to have to do... well she is lucky because she can eat and she gains no weight. She goes from 105-115 and back... it never changes. But, I am determined to change and when I am me, we'll see what happens...  I really write in tangents... I should keep to one subject...hahaha....

So my parents are going to go see what's going to happen... and I don't want to go... not today. I need to finish packing my things so I at least feel that little freedom. I packed all of our cups and plates well the ones that can break at least. That's a little bit of less pressure to think about but time is flying and nobody is doing anything. I keep insisting but it seems as if everybody is living in fucking lala land and nothing is going to happen. Me, saying that has made me think. It's weird because I was always one to live in this dream/fantasy world which was, I guess, a way to cope with many things but in the last I have grown up even more. I have become a realist. I have realized that even those guys I used to trust as my closest of friends... I cannot see them that way. It's almost as I see them as their true colors which sucks because I use to protect them so much or I at least protected my eyes. It's as though as I keep moving forward things are becoming clear and there is not one person who is really deserving of trust. When you trust some one you're going to get hurt and I see that now. And, the sad thing is that I almost wish that no one does trust me... well I am a trust worthy person and a great friend but I really don't want that type of commitment. I don't know why...it's not as though I  don't have good friends but aquaintances are even better.

Well I 'll continue this later...

So at least we're packing away. I think I am almost done with my room. Geez who knew I had so junk... Sometimes I think if I had someone to share life it would be hard. It's so interesting how I have gotten so use to my spare time and doing what ever the f*** I want.  I don't know I have gotten a bit more selfish and I tend to what and do as I please which as a single person it's great, no? I mean it's hard enough having a son and I am kind of happy I do because I am so pre-occupied I don't think of all this loneliness I use to feel. I am too busy to feel anything. Although it was weird because last night I had a burst of tears for no reason at all. It was quite puzzling but I waited until I was able to sleep which was like around 1:30 and I woke up so tired... I didn't want to get up.  Although today I still feel a little tired but I guess that is normal. So today we received another person about being evicted...yippe, right? So, at least my dad was here to receive it and then he called me but what could I do? Nothing. So, I told him to call the 2 two to tell them but he said no. And well that upset me because if they promised to let us stay here until the 15th and what if we get kicked out before.... you know that wouldn't be fair... I told him to stop being so stubborn and he said I was stubborn and I asked him how. It didn't even make sense.  I am beginning to be a little stubborn but only because I think a lot of things are stupid and I can't deal with some stupid crap or mistakes. It's weird because I am beginning to see my father to be a little weaker and depend on us a little more which upsets me... I started wondering today how I am suppose to rely on a man when I find one when as of now I have only seen them rely on me everytime. I have had to do everything they need and that is stupid now that I think about it. I am better off by my self than having more rely on me. I guess in a way as much as I am submissive and I kind of always have had control but never really known how to use it or I am controlled to doing it all. I am way too nice. It's interesting because it's hard for me to say no when I am helping someone or someone asks for my help. I tend to try people instead of having to say no... I guess it's a bad habit I am starting to try and get over. I need to say, NO!... leave me alone, that'll teach 'em right? I don't think some will learn but I haver learn to get my way more often... I kind of feel like I have more power in a sense, I can't explain but sometimes I feel invinsible... is that weird? I think so... I am not sure. But, sometimes it feels like I can do anything and I will be fine... Maybe I had just learned to be more confidant... I am just rambling... well I'll stop since I have nothing left for right now...

Where's the unity...

I can't believe they haven't found a place to stay. Time is cutting short we're getting these stupid people that don't know anything to the house and they keep saying these. You know messengers just deliver the message and are worth nothing. But, come on parents do your job and stop lagging! It's time you do something for this little weak household we call family. They are the ones that need to be united and expect us to be the ones that unite that. Well I say fuck that shit. If they're not united I am not going to be calling around, I am not going to find out. All I know is That I am going to have my things out and ready just in case. I try helping if I could only help so much if they don't help themselves...

It's time for some change

You know it's weird because even though I have everything I want and I actually kind of wanted to move and hopefully far..hahaha! Also, I got the ticket I had been waiting for and no I didn't try my best to get it it was a feeling and it happened so I am satisfied or I have come to accordance with the fact. The weird thing is that I am not completely satisfied... sure on occassions I have my cake and eat it too but nothing's the same. I have everything I have ever wanted and for once I am not happy. Sure I don't have money but money is never an important issue. I feel I am missing something and I don't know what it is. I have been getting closer to God so that emptiness there is being fullfilled but I am still missing another thing. And the weird thing is that for once in my life it's not love. I don't need it or crave for it anymore. It's like that part of my life is completely over and I am glad about it... There is something. It's something I did and shouldn't have ever done it. I shouldn't have fallen into such temptation in life. It being my biggest weakness has led me to this low road. But, it's not even self esteem because it's higher than usual... I know I have always had a weight problem and I think it's just getting a little out of hand. There are some things I am going to have to change and you know what I am going to start tomorrow for sure. It's been killing me for long , long time and I think it's time I do the first step into changing some of my bad habits. I have sunk my self into this hole. I know I don't find my self attractive and why should I? I don't see guys look at me anymore and why should they I don't care about myself to allow them to.  I have made pleanty of stupid choices but I think I start taking my own high road and when everything clears I will be fine. It's not like I am unhealthy but I am not completely healthy as I should be.  I need to look young again... I need to really let my hair grow out and stop growing my stupid little tantrums I occassional leave. Once I start this thing tomorrow I know I am going to have doubts but I must strive for a better and newer me. I have started looking at these pictures and I started thinking why did I allow my mother to drop my self-image. If I looked like I did before I would feel better well I would at least have the attention I always remember hating and now what? Well I know I don't want thaty type of attention but I would love someone else to notice it happening... It sounds stupid I know but it just brings me back to some years back... well, well see... and God help me over come my self and the demons that eat me out every day...

So today in the evening we prayed a rosary and sadly there was a lot of tension but it's because nobody tries and others just critique.. It just makes me so sad because although we should be more united we are more separated. And the truth is that I guess I am not that far a part from it all because no I find my self hiding in my computer than actually doing what I should be doing. It's so frustrating. I know we have so much to do and I guess I just become a little over whelmed because it's obvious I've done the most work. I ask for help but nobody is there reaching out and saying, "i'll help you." And it's not because I don't ask because i do. We need to empty out everything from the top of the garage but I can't do it by my self. I have started but it's not easy going up and coming down with heavy boxes. Where is all the family unity we are suppose to have during hard times? Ay...what to do?

Just another gift in these blessful days

So, besides Danny being a little brat today, Today was just amazing.  Danny woke up in a great mood and actually wanted to go potty then he started crying and crying so ok fine. My mom wanted to go to a meeting which I didn't want to go to but went and took him. It was at a restaurant and he wanted a burger so I ordered it and guess what? He didn't eat it. He took my sausage instead. I said fine oh well. So then, We come home from being in rancho close to Sam's to pick up my aunt and cousin which I knew we wee going to do to go back to Sam's. Well on the way there I get stopped by a cop and is handed a speeding ticket although he almost infered to go to court (which he "probably isn't going to go") and plea not guilty and get the case thrown out. I don't know. So then we go to Sam's I really need to go pee and the restroom are temporarily moved because their being re-modeled well great. Oh yeah they were giving out free knives for members..yay! but we had ti listen to this spiel which was pretty good.  Well when we were going to pay My little cousin took Danny to see where they have games well he was up set because he has been wanted a Rock Band for a while and I just can't get it for him so he made a huge fuss. Everybody was looking at us like we were stealing him or something. But, I just dont' have money for that. Well he cried in the car and fell asleep... oh goody right, well wrong. As I was trying to take him out while still being asleep denies for me to touch him. He was asleep I checked... and I was telling my aunt look he wont let me touch him and I told her, it's impossible I can't afford something like that right now. And he starts cryin in his sleep and wakes up a few minutes later. Come on now!!! So I saw my little brothers' friend James here and ask him if he would let me borrow his guitar hero  and said yes. Danny started paying take drums as I was playing the guitar but I know he was happy temporarily....

Oh yeah... Did I fuckin' mention I got a SPEEDING Fuckin' TICKET!! come now.... rigth now when we don't ever had a place to stay and I don't even have a steady fuckin' income... Life is just fuckin' great!!  The funny thing is that I don't care anymore. Hear me?! I don't fuckin care.

Well I kind of do but I figured oh well...at least I am getting stopped someone who has insurance and a lisence in comparison to another person who just might not have either. Yes, it  sucks but then again it sucks for me not for a less fortunate person. The weird thing is that I already had a feeling about it a while ago, maybe a few weeks ago and I told my mom and my sister but only my mom remembers I told. I said, " I had a werid feeling I am due for a ticket soon." You know sometimes you just get those feelings and sometimes they happen and sometimes they don't. But yeah...

Oh and I went to Amber's house on Saturday...
Oh my fucking Gosh that house is beautiful. Wow! A complete dream, party house with everything imaginable and un-imaginable.  So gorgeous it's like a mini mansion literally. WOW!

I can't take this bull shit...!!! FUCK MAN... We were just handed a 3 days notice to leave our house. How in the fuck do they expect that. Turning to worse...

Some things in life that suck for many, many people but when hard, horrible, distracting things happen we slowly learn to cope with life and moves foward. I am still confused at what is happening but I guess I know more than most. Sometimes I hate I know everything but sometimes it helps me cope with the hopeless. All I do is work at what-ever I do and just go buy the essentials.
The hard party is going to be moving every single thing to another place in a short time. Man that sucks, I hate the thought of moving everything I have and on top of that everythings else. Not that I am selfish or anything but it's going to be enough moving everything that I own including Danny's stuff and since my mom can't help... worst timing ever!!!!

There's no hope

Unlike what we were trying to hope for... there is no hope. The house is gone and at the end of the month, pretty much, so will we. It almost feels like the time that we were moving to fontana being dragged by our parents but this time we are all being dragged out. I kind of wish they hadn't lost it but times were hard and dad didn't have a job for half of the year. Now, they have to rent and restore their credit so they can try and buy another. And the sucky thing is that all the pressure of paper work calling people doing something is all on my back. I am the one that has to do it and it's not my responsibility. Well that was what my therapist told me 3 years to do. So stop babying my parents and let them deal with the issues but if I don't do anything they wont either. man, I sometimes wonder the in the hell did they survive before without me doing a lot of their crap.
But, I know in a weird way I am appreciated but still it sucks at times.

We are still waiting to see if there is any hope yet. I have been trrying to work on my family tree but I have many cousins who are unresponsive... Is it so god damn hard to give an e-mail address. geez, man...

Today has been a pretty long day... I almost wish it was already time to go sleep and not wake up until saturday so go spend time wit friends I haven't seen in like a year. I've missed them like hell. But, Still tonight we're going to go see the place where Mabel went to see for her house and figure out if there is still another option for ours. I am praying for the best but prepared for the worst. I know times were hard at one point but things are better now and all my parents want is a chance to sell the house. Who cares... we'll move and rent until they can buy again. But they just need a small chance... There was so much equity there... I don't know. I've found them houses which was what they wanted and there. My mom wants me to start taking over all the money once we get through this but we'll see about that. I don't know. I dont' want that responsibility. But, on the other hand that would guess us more room to discuss what we need for the household more responsibly. *sigh*

What do you think about the world's economy going down the drain? How does it affect you?

I think it's a real shame it is going down! It just means that those responsible aren't doing enough to keep it in well standing and of course it affects me and a lot of people. Because I can't find a job, I was so fortunate to get a bad credit record and when there were job opennings I couldn't get a job because of my bad credit. Now, isn't that a viscious f***in' cycle. Since, this that been the worst in the economy so many people are loosing their houses and trying to fight to keep them. What do they give you a month to find a place to live, find income to pay the deposit and the first and last month rent? That's resiculous....

  
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So I was a little heated a little earlier and well it's hard not to be when you can't express yourself to anyone but your self... It seems as though we are taking ok as a family. Things are always going to be difficult. I was firstly going to get down and find a full time job and then that attempt was crippled by not having some one to look after my son. Also I had to take care of my mother and take her to many doctor's appointments which were many hell-ish ordeals. So I still teach my piano lesson, I still just give sectionals at kaiser and I do massages so all I have are part time gigs but nothing to full fill anything worth my time. I should be doing stuff I there are a lot of stuff that are still holding me back. Too much stuff. Now, I need a job but I need to know when the hell I am going to be to make it work. I need Danny to be in a safe, comfortable environment. I don't care when we go anymore. I cared 10 years ago when I was 13 and didn't want to move to Fontana... I think, we, as family need change... need new air, a new environment. We need a new place to build our future. Don't get me wrong I am going to miss a lot of things from here but everybody needs to get out now. Not LA, not SB... I mean fresh air. I was talking to my mom yesterday how I had been planning to go to Minnesota for some time. I was telling her how right now would be the perfect timeto pick up and leave. And she asked me, "Do you want to go?" And well I know I said no to not dissapoint her but yes I do. I need to feel a new everything. New faces, new homes, new environment. I think it would be a little hard but it can be managed. There are so many thing I am worried about but don't have meaning... There are so many things I need out of life but I can't have. It's just plain difficult. And I know everybody is going through rough times I know. We'll never be the first and not the last either. The only thing that helps me through is seeing Danny smile... He is always laughing, always running around making us run after him... being a little pain in the ass but that is what I love about him because he himself keeps us so busy we forget about everything else. I can honestly say that as long as he is happy I am happy too. Babies are not suppose to know their parents' problems kids have jobs of their own and it's to be happy and enjoy life. That is their job and the sad thing is that I know I didn't have that luxury. I was a weird little kid that only kept to her self and I didn't enjoy life unless I was my self. I grew up lonely because I didn't know how to interact or something. All I can do now is get my child as ahead as I can. I have a goal for when he goes to kindergarten well of course I am not going to be one of those overbearing parents but I know I have nothing to worry about him, he is his parents' son and that is all he needs... He knows his family is there for him and eveyone is with exceptions but those will always happen in life, disagreements.

Do you believe that teenage mothers can still be successful at life? Why or why not?

Of course they can be successful. Well it's not going to be an easy road but they can make it. The good thing now is that some high schools have child care for student who have babies so they can finish at least high school. It is possible but it very much depends on how much the person wants it... I believe they can, they have to believe it also. I was not a teenage mother but I had my son during my junior year in college and there were struggle but slowly the creases unfolded and I graduated. Hard time having a new born barely seeing him and being a single mom. Thankfully I had some aid from my mother but you can only push forward!

  
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Do you collect anything out of the ordinary? If so, what is it, and why do you collect it?

I have a small collection of pennies although in the 2000s I still haven't gotten time to collect them. I figured that the ones from the 1900s are hard enough to find. I only have one century worth... It's fun and I guess it's interesting... or boring what-ev ...  ;p


  
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How do you make love stay?

You can never make love stay. Even if you change, if you do everything they want... sometimes it's easier to let it go. Many people try and try and continue to change things to accommodate. But, they never realize that it only keeps you holding for longer time but when the string is cut.... it's over.

  
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So sometimes in life we all think we're ok and then things turn to worse but we find it ok because we all get through it and we all go through it in a life time no matter what. Well after my mother's accident in late july I couldn't think anything worse could come along but I guess it's one of those things that just happen and things can't change, right? So, on thursday this giel came to us for refuge because she has no home and no one to help her out and of oucrse where one person eats another can too. We have a little but we'll share what we can. So yesterday we go to church and for some odd reason I was compelled to buy my self a bible. I did! Well we came home and there was the argument that there was nothing to eat, of course the usually, coming from one of my sibling. We never have anything and he os oh so starving.Which is bullshit because we do but he is not willing to work with us to make it happen. Anyways, so my dad was able to give them money and they went to buy chinese food which in a way made me mad. I earn a little bit of money but I am the one who is buying the food for everybody in the household. Something is needed and I go fuckin' buy it. And, on top of that shit I have to hear critism. Well fuck man. I don't give a fuck if they're  fuckin' 16. Help around the house, damn it! You're not the only that is suffering. They complain they have no clothes but they get something every once in a while. Well, fuck, I haven't been able to buy anything in over 2 fuckin' years. I invest every little dime I have in my son. People say well it's your fault. NO, fuck you. It's my responsibilty. My son comes first, my family comes first, and I come last. Sure sometimes we have to be a little selfish but tell me is it worth to take away the food for the family so I can have glamour for a mother fuckin' day"? Is it?
Now, to top that off yesterday some people from the bank that my dad had gotten the loan for the house came. And of course I am always the one that knows what is going on. I didn't expect this next thing. I thought it had been resolved and we were going to be able to fix it all... I put a lit of time working out the paper work to try and make it right. Well yesterday this ill-perfect world came apart. Well, just like many people's worlds did. They had my parents sign paperwork and tell us that we have to be out by Nov. 15. That's it they said it's over and the house belongs to the bank there is nothing you can do about it. We lost the house and so far we have no where to live in. Well you know what it's about time. We needed to more change. WE need to realize that in order to improve ourselves we need to make changes, we need to grow up. We need to think of ourselves and forget about everybody else. We have been fucked over so manytimes by friends, relatives... let us borrow money and we'll pay you back with interest. Well yeah, it's gone...

So, I have come up with my own conclusion. Which my the way I have been told my many, many people. I know I am submissive, I know I try to worry about others when I should be more worried about my self. I know, I know but it's time I care more about those in my path than those who have no future in it. It's true. I have worked hard to be ok with the pleasing eye and I kill myself more and more trying to make everything happen. To accomodate everything and everybody and their twisted world. Some just run away and leave the load for another person and that is just cowardly. But, like everybody has issues, problems, pasts there is no asking for help; it's more like taking it by force.

I have been a very, extremely, overtly, patient person. I deal with crap. I keep these secrets that I gave to God now because I didn't want them. I gave up a lot to be at peace with God. I am not the most religious person but I understand the differnt points of view and realize that no matter what He will be there for me. I realize that people use people for their advantages but when help is asked for all you see is the dust form their departure. Sometimes I wondered why did I help so-and-so person....wehere is the help I need when I need to talk, let out anger, cry. I mean I don't have to cry today. I cried yesterday but why it doesn't matter anymore. Today we started packing things. A month goes by like nothing. A moving sale...hey sure why not...this saturday.... Where are we going to go with now 8 people in the house? I don't know. Renting right now is more than a mortage... that is ridiculous.

Anyways, Rest in Peace... senora Orosco... my friend's grandmother died on thursday from cancer. May she be in peace and give her family the strength. And, I also pray for my grandpa who is turning on the corner towards the other world. He also has the cancer soread over his whole body.

Things will get better for everybody. It's just small bumps on the road. I still have hope that some people will change... I still do. But even some big things aren't enough...We strive for change and the well-being of most...

If times weren't hard anyways. Well today I was cleaning the living room and this girl comes. My mom and I met her and her mom a while back and my mom and I were wondering about them but never expected this...Well she left her house because there are too many issues and was living somewhere else but now has no where to go... Man how it sucks. I really feel bad for her. So she came and asked to stay here and we can't say no because she has no where but we also have no room. We a family of 7 barely have room. All we can do is pray and ask everything getting better for everybody. Hard times....

How can you tell if your marriage or relationship is over?

Well  in some cases Marriage and a relationship are completely different because there is different types of commitment level. A relationship is over when there the communication is gone, there is lost of interest and for most cases the one person loses interest and they start avoiding you...

And During marriage, they have both made of commitment so it's a lot harder to get out of but the weird thing is that the marriage isn't over because there is cheating there is just a lack of something in the relationship. A marriage is over when there is no understanding, no communication.... When a person stops supporting their loved one, or the loved one feels there is no support things start going down hill special if there is no good communication. A marriage is over when no one wants intimacy, they don't want to sleep in the same bed, anything says is made into an argument. Hostile environment....
  
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What is the meanest thing your parents had said to you?

Well I remember it was just a couple years back when my son was younger and I was still trying to figure out the whole mothering thing. I mean he was only a few months old but I didn't always know what he wanted and he would cry and I know it would bug the shit out of people because I would get frustrated at times as well. Well the baby was crying and my dad had just come from work and I guess he was tired also. He heard the baby crying and told me to do something about it and I told him I didn't know how to stop him I did everything I could. He told me I didn't know how to be a mother. That broke my heart and I know I cried the whole night. Well of course I didn't know how my baby is my first and I was still learning. When they brought me up I am sure they didn't know things either. Well anyways to me that was the meaning and most hurtful thing I have heard... Besides, the things my mom told me... I am shameful, disgrace...blah, blah, blah... you know but those thing never hurt as much as the words my dad says. He is a  quiet man but when he says something it always means down to business.

  
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If you wanted to erase one of your memories, which would it be and why?

If I could really forget something of all the memories I have it would be how some made me so happy and wanted. Yeah I know that is something that is rather strange to ask for but sometimes it's all we need to move forward and keep going without ever looking back and thinking the what-ifs. It would just make the sorrow be sorrow and give the new happiness of the world be appreciated more, well for me.

  
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Last night I was watching Sweeny Todd. Wow it's just amazing. I just love all of Johnny Depp's movies. He is an amazing actor and just fits the role. WOW! I love him...