Something on my mind.

I was just thinking earlier about how in my life I always seemed to have more dominant people who love to voice their opinion. And while I was always there they always thought that by the way I thought I automatically had something wrong. I know I’ve always been considered a little different but I don’t quite understand why to this day. I accept it because I can’t be any different than how I am and I know I can’t change  or be normal.  I mean that’s all based on societal norms so who is to really say that what anybody says it actually accurate? So I’m a little vain sometimes…But who isn't? If we don't love ourselves as ugly as we are who will? Honestly no one will... people are cruel.  But I also know I’m not the prettiest girl or the thinnest because I’ve never been.  I don’t care about tips on this thank you. I don’t need help. The issue that always use to matter was not what people ever thought about me because I know you all always have opinions and frankly I could careless about them… If I cared about your opinion I would rather give you a knife and just have you tear out my heart while alive because that’s how it always felt. People tearing my heart out and leaving me with a gaping hole. People don’t try and help people unless it’s for their own benefit in one way or another.  I learned to think different than the norms because sometimes you can’t quite survive with just living a typical life, happy parents, great siblings, money, all the essentials to be ok… Not everyone is fortunate. And in a way I guess that’s what makes people unique, the background and how strong you are and what your world and life has gained from so much perspective. I’d say I’m very fortunate. I’ve gain a lot of insight on many things in life. But, in no way is that a unfortunate, hardships perhaps but who doesn't learn true happiness from nothingness. I am not victim and anything that happens in life, we either learn to live with it or die in our sorrow. Many people are death in living. I know I've been there. It took me a long time to figure it out. I know for some it’s a lot easier to comprehend and possibly having a spectator outlook just gives you more insight because when you’re going through something that you, yourself, find difficult you just feel so  alone in the world and feel that hardly anyone even understands you. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry and that’s when you find out how great of a friend you are because many times you will just find yourself alone in a dark room wishing you were dead instead. 

In no way or form do I want you to think or feel that I am sad or depressed , 2013 d. I am not. I'm just thinking in writing. I read a book. Yay! I am very happy, it had been a long long time... It's happens to be one of my favorite persons in the world @Cucumber_melonhead and the book was The Perks of Being a Wallflower ... At first I didn't know what I was going to think but then again you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. I'm not really going to give a summery of the book but the book keeps you engaged with that's going on through the eyes of main Character Charlie... He has had a lot of problems in his life and in many way those who have gone through hardships in their teens can definitely relate and fall into everything he is talking about, his loneliness, Friends, perhaps the peer pressures, the loss of friends and family...
After I read the book. I felt like the whole story was going through my head. And I felt a bit sad but not sad as in depressed but more like a nostalgic feel in which I look back into how much my life has changed and everything that I've grown with all the things that have happened in my life. It's these types of circumstances that make us who we are and we will always have paths to choose from. We can choose the good or the bad and they will both take us in different directions. At the moment it may not feel like there is choice and we make wrong decisions but looking but you notice how different things could have been but at the same time. You are who you are for a reason.

Update:

Well what can I say. I still do not have internet at home and I hardly go out to get any so it makes it hard to update this as much as I would want. So many great ideas to write and out the window they go many times. *sigh*

Still no job but slowly working on it. So I'm working on trying to get  my lesson's going. I go an give sectionals every other week and the off week I teach lessons so for those I do get paid. It's a sacrifice at times but it's worth it. I got one day with a few students and if all goes well I might add another day to get a few more students and expand their mind. My goal that I promised when I joined my Sorority in College "To bring music into the world" is slowly happening by the students I teach. God has been good. Good things come to those who wait and I'm truly happy. I feel relaxed while slowly applying for what ever I can online. It's hard though because on my limit and how much I can get done in the little time. But slow and steady wins the race and I guess I'm the turtle but that's the good part. I will eventually get there and I will be more happy.
I have the most supportive boyfriend in the world and I'm blessed. I know times are tough for all but he always manages to come and see me and keep me looking forward rather than falling back and not wanting to get up. And God knows he's heard me really down. I was depressed a few nights here and there... and I hate myself because of it, not because I hate myself but because I bring everybody down. I just want some of those thoughts to go away and stop haunting me here and there. I am happy and I don't want those to be obstacles.
My son is great he's going to school and I make sure he does all his homework. We joined this reading club that starts in the first week of October. And life is great. Breathing and taking one day at a time makes everything wonderful.
Just pray for me, send good vibes, or just think positive thoughts or *cross your fingers* for me. I slowly want to start saving money. I know it's positive even with nothing, something is always something...
I've started a payment plan to pay off a credit card debt from so many years... Even with a lil money I get it's hard not to say I can try so I am trying. I want to make everything better. I know  if anyone was in my shoes they'd know the kind of pressure I'm in but I'm relax despite the fact. I want work so they can garnish my wages and I can pay off my school loans... those are my biggest nightmares besides the ones where I'vve recently been having in which I die a terrible death and the sadness of leaving all those I love.
Anyways, that was gloomy... yeah. Life is great. Life is great. =D
Well that's it for now. I will beback eventually I promise!