To be honest and frank... I am very sleepy, tired, anxious, frustrated... disappointing. But that is just how I am feeling withing... but how I feel outside...or whatever if anybody understand: I feel with more energy(but I am tired today -well my eyes are), happy, excited (don't know about what), at peace. I need a drink.... So all  of that is just running through... I guess you can say a little of it all comes out even the anger sometimes...I get so frustrated when guys say yeah call me or text me when ever you want... and then they don't respond.... some "Boy are stupid!" and I don't know why I want to become involved  but I do... you know why... I am going to make their life miserable... jk... I am not but I am :) oh but no more babies... If they want to travel and have fun they can tag along... I am not being tied down anymore...tired... so tired....

girls need an emotional out sometimes...well i do

It was my time for a good cry. I need to swell up these eyes and realize that it is okay.  Sometimes we just feel like we want to cry. I know guys, why would to want to do that? Anyways, so many things happen on daily basis in our lives that sometimes all that anger, frustration, anxiety, and disillusionment build up and we don’t know how to get rid of it. As for me, I know letting some good tears always makes me feel better the next day and maybe almost relaxed. A feeling that we’re not broken, everything was always okay. How did I make myself cry? No, not reminiscing but I just finished watching The Notebook.

I have always been a hopeless romantic… how girlyish, I know! As I grew up I always dreamt of the guy that would sweep me off my feet. You know “My Prince Charming” and as I got to middle school I started realizing that it wasn’t going to be easy. Not being as attractive or pretty or more of having a lack of a personality wasn’t going to help any. I always lived in this dream world. I dream world that doesn’t exist. After I have talked to quite a bit of people and many who I have talked to because they like me… there is still one person who ever made me feel a certain way. I know right now there could be a person who has potential and he sure as hell challenges me but he no longer takes and interest because I broke his heart and for my other factors. It’s not so much all of that because if he really wanted to and I really did too then it would happen but the thing is that life is never in the right position where it should be for people to coincide.  Being a hopeless romantic… I am so that I am getting to a point where I feel it’s  hopeless I will ever become romantically involved… I know right, don’t say that! There is many fish in the sea! Well that may be a fact but another fact was only one person has ever impressed me… Had a form of an impact in my life to be noticed…  I have become a realist in the love sense.

I use to be such a dreamer. Loved it, I lived in la-la land… everyday I thought and thought and thought and about nothing and boys and nothing and boys and what it would be like to have a kiss…and so on and so forth. 

Now, here I am 24 about to be 25… wow mid 20’s, I am now old and not as youthful 1) because of age and 2) because I am a single mom. Who would like to get together with a single mom when they can find a single girl, beautiful and available with all their time? All guys… A guy doesn’t have a list of interests… hmmm let’s see… I want a single mom who has one boy… hasn’t had sex in years… sometimes depressed and who lives with her parents…. Oh yeah, what a catch!  I know I am being negative, and I know this because I have my good qualities which I am not going to list, they’re boring!

Well as much as I have become a realist sure I dream at times but the reality is  that being 25 and be willing to risk it all for a heart break not very likely now I can’t be selfish and only think of myself.  How can I have dreams when my dreams are now to help  raise and aspire for the best.  I am not getting younger.

Also, being a realist, I have realized that in order for some women to have more say, they need a man. No that is not a statement but more of an observation.  Let me tell you why I need one. Ok so I am in a business. I so Multi-Level Marketing on a Consumable product and  If you don’t have a ring on the finger…  you have those old geezers thinking they can hit on you just because they feel it and secondly because if for some reason who work with males people think of you worse. You know what its not only because I work with them and I am single but the fact that I have a kid.  When you have a kid and you’re not married they see you as a tramp (well women so… or failed because you can’t keep a man happy and you have a kid) and men see it as a plus, why? When I man sees a single woman with a child… some see, well she’s at least has had sex so it’s easier to get to her, since she has had sex we can cross boundaries… men tend to be a little less respectful. I don’t know if I am wrong but that is how it seems. I don’t tell people I have a child until it’s very necessary but to just people. I would never enter a relationship without it being known besides I have baby marks… it’s not like I can hide that fact.

Light with shine tomorrow

So after making call after call today and waiting since the 20th, it seems as though tomorrow the 30th we will have lights. It seems like  it takes 10 days of living in the dark after the order was put in, and 14 days of living in the dark since we moved to the new house we will have light. it's been  a struggle because we needed to charge our phones everywhere we went and even my laptop. Right now I am using it but I only have a few minutes left of life. But, since I finally received the call today and I am relieved because we will have light. But, in my room I need to buy a lamp because it has no bulb. AYAYA, lol... but I am just happy though... Sister came to visit today since like sunday.... and I think she is sleeping in my bed with Danny... good times...

A cross on my ceiling

Well, haven't been on primarily because we moved within the last week and a half ago and to top it off we still don't have electricity in the house. I have been working on it with Edison but aparently the people who left, left a bad mark on the house that we as new renters have to deal with. This Saturday will be 2 weeks here with no electricity but I am hoping that within the next couple of days maybe today it will be resolved. So anyways, the way I have light in my room is with good old fashion candles. Which in reality I don't mind because they're so peaceful and well in that sense we actually go to sleep pretty early and wake up refreshed.

Now, I've had candles lit up in my room for the last week and a half and last night I was really compelled to pray a rosary for people. I was going to go to sleep but this time unlike many other times I had to and I wouldn't haven't slept comfortable if I haven't done it. Every candle in my room has been in the same position so that the light is equally distributed around the room. I know every once in a while I would get very very sleepy and doze off for a minute or so but I knew I had to finish what i had started. So I kept praying and giving my petitions.... well when I looked up on the ceiling of my room there it was, a cross made out of light. I couldn'y explain it because the candles were in the exact same place but the difference was that everything I was praying I was speaking it from the heart. I was praying within to God and what I felt when I saw the cross on the ceiling was that He was listening to me. I felt this ease and felt that San Miguel Archangel was also listening to me. And that he was going to fight again all evil and protect all of us.

I wouldn't consider it a miracle but I would consider it a presence. He was in  my room as I prayed and helped calm my nerves. I don't know if anybody else was asleep but while I prayed I felt the silence, the peace within and the comfort I needed to gp tp sleep. It's weird because I had been wanting to pray the rosary by myself for a while and I just couldn't. All I needed was an extra special push from above to allow me to do it. It was hard but I loved the feeling. I just hope that He answers my prayers...

My sister had seen the commercial for the new Promo burger that Carl's Jr. came out in there menu, The Big Carl. I told her if we got some stuff done I would go with her. We decided to split it and I ate it and it was bland to me. I didn't like it at all... I guess it was missing pickles which would add a nice flavor but no it was not appetizing at all. It actually makes me not want Carl's for a really, really long time maybe forever, idk. It was rather disgusting. My sis kind of liked it but still wasn't satisfied.

We're home now watching TV and all I could think is that it's going to be very minimal times now that we're going to be living like this. As of tomorrow or latest thursday we need to be out of the house and turn it on to the owners. We think they're selling it but we didn't want to stay here anyways because it was a little small at times. It makes me feel a little sad. When I lived away I was at school but I was preoccupied besides I can keep myself intertained but for Danny this will be his first time to experience being away from his nina for a longer period of time. I know he will miss her and she will miss him but he as well as her will get use to it. They will learn to appreciate each other more and time away from the fam is away good. I know she can always come over but things will change. it's not that I am complaining because for the first time in my life's chapter with Danny, he and I will have our own room.
I  feel a little scared well not acctually scared but I guess I always had the confort she was there even though one look from each other and we were on each other's throats. We're sisters. The time has come and even though they are a little upset at her decision it was time. I wish I had the money to move out on my own.... but at the same time I like the unity that we are shallowy formingly in our chaotic lives of no structure. We'll we'll see how this works out and turns out. Change is always good in one way or another.

Well, sometimes when we find a friend who want to see us we try and schedule lunch or dinner...  and as we start seeing when 2 can the other 1 can't. We there on day out of this  week that we had finally decided it was going to happen and it was Monday but then a little confusion was risen from some messages and so they postposed it because I was the supposedly busy one. So it didn't happen and in reality that was the only moment we all actually had free in a week.So we finally received the hours one friend was available and I saw mine but our other friend deleted her facebook and she wasn't picking up her phone, lol. We couldn't schedule something for certainif we didn't have a response right, so once again we were stuck on the subject and tried calling her friday morning and well it was hard... I felt awkward leaving messages. Friday morning, besides the calling, I was getting ready for the day incase we did meet. But I wanted to go to Kaiser HS so I can talk to a student about scheduling her private lesson and she has lunch at 10:40am...(so freaking, early) but in the mist of trying to get ready my mom calls me to her and tells me that one of my brother's is ill and needs to be picked. It was 9:30 and had an hour left and wasn't even close to ready so I hurried up and go to the nurse's office, he wasn't there. The nurse hadn't even heard from him. frustration and with time not being onmy side...So I call my mom to call thenumber he called with and so he can go to the nurse's office. Thankfully she did. While I was just siitting...I startedreceiving calls from her and him which was awesome because I thought I was going  to make it happen... but she said she was at work and well it was going to be almost impossible. In the time gap she couldn't make it because he needed to get ready for work. I was going back and worth. But this time I think I am going to try and get her schedule, have my scedule and we'll try and match it with his when he gets it. But, since he was going to be out of his house for a while he said why don't you and I meet for breakfast/lunch=brunch... so I said yea but I just needed to get out of the nurses offce. Oh and by the way I was doing all that without actually having a phone, lol. Well I don't have one myself at the time... GRRR!!! but I stole my mom's phone -her extra one for a lil while. I don't think she notice other wise I would be hearing about it. I got my brother went home and finished getting ready it was 10:30... I was already running late for the 1st lunch so I call him and told that I would go...  We met up and since I had never been there had him pick something he liked and it was delicious. I don't know why I had never gone there. I pass by it at 2-3 times a week. We talked caught up and it was nice. I always enjoy talking and catching up. It sucks though because we use to be so close of friends back in the day and well as the college years progressed I guess we all joined our own clubs to define who we are/were and we as people change but like he and I said I think I have become a little more optimistic and he has become a little more pessimistic...In the sense that we sort of switched roles a bit but when I was talking to him it felt like when we were the closest of friends. I wear heals now too which are awesome because I am now practically 4 inches taller and I sort of love it so I wear them a lot and even though he is freakin tall I was 4 inches taller. I believe he is 6'5" and I am 5'5"(almost 5'6") so alsmot a whole foot of difference but that's what I love of all my guy friends... they're all above almost 6' or above the 6' range. Height very important to a woman sometimes especially to show there is balance in a relationship sometime it doesn't matter if she is in charge but is the  viewer sees the opposite then mission accomplished. If you're under 5'11" too short...
Haha... got caught going off on a different tangent. Anyways, that was nice. then even though I didn't go to the HS at the time I has proposed I went there after and stayed there an hour and waited for the kids to show up to their 6th period. I asked the teacher if I would be able to have them for a few minutes before class started and he said sure. So I got all my prospective students and talked to so I can get their info. They all gave me all they had and well it seems as though we'll going to be well on our way. I am going to be busy teaching, which is what I love the most.  I am going to start working on make-up and getting the word out for weddings. I am going to try and be busy as hell... but I love it when I am like that so I am only free one day of the week for meetings not 2... that is my goal!

So I feel a lot of peace... I don't know why but I am relaxed. It seems as  though even though there are times where things look or seem like they're bad there is always a plus to it. So last night I wrote a message in my facebook

"Is sleep an option...hmm... it just might be! Have I mentioned I love the weather... Now I need a cuddly teddy bear or a substitute ;)"

and I had a friend send me a message. It was his birthday yesterday and he wrote me... ah if I were down there I would be your substitute, miss you lots! It's so weird... I always get all these come ons but nothing ever goes anywhere. i guess I have never been good at initiating but I know there is a lot more that underlines the issue. I am not good at talking to people who like me and I don't know how to act with people that I might like. even less, I can't express myself, I don't feel worthy  of having someoneor liking someone... I don't know... I guess that after having the courage to fess up. The whole problem is me... I feel like I am ready but I don't really think I am... or visa-versa... not sure... Well in true reality I don't find guys reliable, trustworthy, or when they want to kiss me or something I am scared... I haven't kissed in years and the truth is not no I am not scared on knowing how to kiss  (because I practice, lol... j/k I really don't) but I don't know what could be wrong with me. I know I already underlined the issue and it's something I need to get over but at the same time if I am not given a chance how am I suppose to give the chance. I know I am not suppose to be picky either but if our taste first determines.

Maybe there is too much stress and I don't want more stress... I would like someone... I just don't want a clingy person who has to know my every minute. The thing I have learned about being single for such a long time now is that I like my freedom. I like doing what I want to... I like everything about it but sometimes I miss it....Sometimes I feel that we boost up the idea so high that once it happens it's never up to our expectations therefore automatically being disapointed... well iit's happened to me...

Anyways, So my mom told me today that the landloard told my dad that they wanted the house by the 10th. Yeah, that's an I don't think so... by saturday. I don't think they can legally so that either but who knows. I mean I am not stressed because I kind of want that myself. I don't now where we are going but I've been waiting patiently so I can get all my stuff... I have sweaters and dresses all put away that I kind of want. I want quite a bit of clothes also away and i wannt it. My jewlery and well my board games. I was just telling my sis that we should have a family day. Right before we moved because the lost house and my mom's car accident we would all play monopoly for hours and it was fun. We were starting to bond.

So there are a lot of changes coming around but I am ready....

Anyways

What was your last major purchase?

My last major purchase was probably back in March or April. I bought my Mini Notebook and that was it....

  
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Mistakened....

I know I only kind of write when someething deeply impacts me in some way or another. All night my stomach has been churning... and it sucks because I wake up worried. I deleted both those people from my facebook but I am really scared. Mainly of her because I don't know what she is capable of and calling and cussing me out. I really had no idea what was going on until she tells me all this stuff. It's very unfortunate because everything I did was for their benefit, because I did a lot of work for them pretty much like or as an assistant and I am accussed of an affair. Which is ridiculous. All the work the calls was to verify thing were being done and taken care of. Like a week ago she stopped responding to my e-mails and calls. I didn't understand why... now I know... I guess in those perspectives I still don't understand much. I didn't do anything wrong, never led him on... I just respected and her as well. I tried talking to her and neverdid anything to get a wrong impression of people. I don't need them. She could do all the work that I was doing and together they can translate, revise and do all their orders. I pretty much gave them a year of my services for pretty much free... If they want to end it all like that. I'll consider it community service which will not go onmy resume. I am sure she will later on come to her senses. A good worker, that is trying to help annd does things for free not easily found. My mom kept insisting that I ask for money for a while. And I didn't... People, since the beginning told  that people are going to talk, people will try to ruin your life...

But, that stomach feeling doesn't go away at all...I am truly scared out of my mind. I don't even know why. I don't know what a lady like that is capable of doing when she thinks her husband is having an affair with a 24 year old. I don't know what she is capable of doing to prevent that from occuring or communication ever from happening again. I told my sis I want her to go, and I truly want my brothers to go too, or at least one. I don't know why I am thinking like this but I guess because I have never had anyone hate me so much for something that never occured. I want them to be there. And I don't want my son to go. If anything were to happen (God forbid) then they will be there and I will feel secure. I have already repented all my past mistakes and I haven't committed any wrong but charity.

Well, she just sent me a message on facebook... kind of apologizing... or not I don't know... That is why I truly hate DRAMA! I am a quiet person who stays away and this happens... imagine if I dressed provacative or was flirty... and I am the oposite in factr my sis always wants me to dress up and well since I don't have money I don't. Couldnt imagine how things would have escalated then,... ayayay!

Her: Oct 4 at 10:34am
Reyna ~ you need not be mad at george...it was me last night on his facebook. Look...for obvious reasons i would be upset that my husband gave another women a cell phone and continued to lie to me about it. He told me he let you use it for his Rally in September and gave it to you at early september. He also said he has been asking for it back but you keep forgetting it.

Really...I have every reason to suspect things.

If your agreemnet was with George that you can have that cell phone on my families dime...then so be it! I dont care to ever discuss it again.

Me: 10:41am
Look, I never meant any harm. I respect both of you. And there is nothing going on. Of course, I will be mad. I've never been in this position and it truly hurts. But, I will go to tomorrow's meeting and return it then. I am sorry you were lied to and I didn't know what was going on. You have every right as a wife and understand. I would have probably done the same thing.

Don't worry, you will have your phone. And thank you!

Her: 10:46a
No like I said I have an understanding about the hole thing now. If your agreement was with George to have and use the cell phone then thats what it is. He really confused and misled me...now i understand my husband a little better...not in a good way for me.

please keep and use the cell phone per your agreement with him...my issues i will deal with on my own. take care

Me: 10:50a
thanks Tina,
But, I will still return the phone. I am going to concentrate on building my business. And, You know this will be a great time so he starts seeking more help from the other managers.

You take care as well!



Wel the fear in me is now calm. But, I know that if I don't start distancing my self this will definitely come back. It's one of those things that just happen and in the back on her mind she will always have her doubts and I prefer being as far away from both of them so that I am not stuck in their crossfire. They're obviusly having issues and they're not from my behalf.  I can only say I wish them luck, peaceof mind and a happy marriage.

Sigh~ well I at least feel better....

a small frustration

right now I can't help but cry. There is nothing wrong and things aren't  going wrong. Well At least I amnot doing anything.... So I had this phone for work only and well people were suppose to call and make orders and stuff but nobody has called lately. I have my personal phone that has been disconnected for like a month where I can't make calls or texts, and the last 2 weeks I haven't been able to even receive anything which means my phone is completely disconnected. So I can't even get in contact with people which sucks because as of right now if people needed to make orders I couldn't even receive them. Which kind of sucked because I had a hard time making my quota for the month. Thank God I got it done... Anyways, so for some reason the guy that I have been working with... I really don't know what is going on but there is something about his wife thinking that we have something and she calls me today telling me all this stuff and asking for the phone back which I don't care for it was only for work. So whatever. There has never been anything this with guy... he is 50 and I have never liked older guys ... I like guys my age and I guess a little younger and I don't know why. So I've been trying to talkto these other guys and this comes up which is stupid.

Anyways, Now we also have to move. We don't know where yet but we need to get out. Hmmm..... I feel a little over whelmed right now. See why I can't even talk to people because it's so hard. On the plus, I start teaching lessons this week.

I am a little stressed by things... I know we have to move which doesn't stress me out. I know I don't have a phone... which I have dealt with but I have never been accused like that... when  ewww.... I don't know why people think things like that. It's stupid.... I wish she would have hired an investigator because there would be the prove. Nothing... You know? I stand onmy 2 feet because I know the truth but that means the work environment or the meetings if she goes are going to be tense... I don't know....

Ok, the real reason why I was going to write and then couldn't because of give circumstances... for the record this is for my personal record...
Well on tuesday my son's grandmother came to visit. It had been quite a while but I was happy to see her and he was thrilled. She came after work. I didn't see her right away because I was making calls. My dad had misplaced his phone the day before and well we thought it was at the house and then he asked me a question. "Is there any way to check if calls have been made?" Sure enough I logged into their phone account online and found out that the phone has been found and call had been made. So the next thing I did was call all those numbers... and if they didn't answer I would leave a message... I know... what do you say? Well luckily someone picked up and I called to him and he said he had no idea so I left him my name and number so he would call me just in case... and  the funny thing was that he did call me like 10 minutes later... his kid or one of his kid's friend found the phone... I went and got it... so I came back and said hello. She asked if there was any of my rice... unfortunately there wasn't so I made some especially for her. She has always liked it for some reason. *shrug*. So she stayed ate and then it was time for her to go pick up her daughter and she was saying good bye and asked Danny if he wanted to go with her and he said yes. HE never wants to leave  and this time he did so I let him go.

So the time passed and I took a shower and dressed. I was driving down Sierra and well was trying to relax so I opened my windows and took out a cigarette and just leisurely smoking enjoying every puff well I was driving down sierra it was like about to be 9pm and so since I had just gotten out of the shower I was wearing no make-up... just all natural....So there was this white car and then it passed me and some guy just waved at me. So i thought ok... and just smiled... what can I do they passed me ... so then I get ahead and they pull up next me ... well they were intentionally trying...  so the guy was, " hey beautiful! How are you tonight!" So I nod and say pretty good ... he asks "where are you headed?"  so to get him off my back I told him the truth... I am going to go pick up my son... so then he says, "That's good..." So I nod and he asks," Do you have a boyfriend" and well people out make me nervous well actually all people I don't know kind do so I told him "yeah" and he asks me a funny question,"Happily?" So I told him yes... he said alright... have a good night.  They drove off but still tried to maintain a close proximity but then I turned right on Foothill... I was a little flattered... never have I had a conversation with people while driving... and I am more surprised because I was wearing no make-up so it made me feel nice. It was just a small detail that flattered me in a positive way... but that all fell apart when I came home... My parents seem to be doing well... my dad joined a union but there is still no work... times are a little tough but I think we will be ok. If we stick it through we shall prevail. 

Ok, So I finally can write a little. Although I've been wanting to write for some time but haven't had time but stuff i guess... things accumulate and  sometimes they suck. So yesterday I was scolded... yeah not by  my parents... I am too negative, I am to negative and I am too negative. Apparently everything I write in Facebook is negative so now I have to censor what I write. ok I guess... But, the sad thing is that I now feel like screaming... writing 140 characters worth of comments are what keep me going because I do have a lot of negativity within but I am flowing it out... now I feel I am keeping it... and it's not as easy removing it as saying it and telling it go. I know he means well and he wants me to succeed and he sees this potential but it's like havnig my dad see over everything I say and write... I have no life... friends who are negative have no right, no say in me so I should talk to them... and I need to succeed. I feel happy someone cares that much but at the same time I am saddened... Have you ever felt like you have something you have to do or say and it's aching to pop out of your chest but you can't let it out... well that's how I feel. I don't feel like having a facebook or myspace... Instead of having supportive friends, now I am being critised and a little being told what to write... I don't like putting something unless I wanna, unless it's something from... I guess the only things that I will allow are going to be a few things. I know I am a negative person but I have come a long way. When I was being told that everything I put are too personal (which I know) and negative (which I don't think) I felt put down. I thought I was doing better but there it is someone seeing the negative of what I write... not good even to change a life prospective. I am trying I really am... too me the progress I have made even since march it great... I am trying not to be in a depressive mode anymore... sure on a rare ocassion I feel an urge but I am a lot more happier... it's that I am just not understood anymore... or maybe the attention that I want and sometime crave I am not getting. I guess I might be understood  a little more than I thought and being pointed out my negative flaws I have and come a long way is not easy. It's not easy when you have fought depression since the age of 11 and was such a shy person even when I started school at the age 4 that  I couldn't interact with kids... So what if I am still struggling a little but far less than before. I interact wellwith others... although I do catch my self rollingmy eyes a bit more, getting annooyed at people... recently I don't know what is wrong with me...  sometimes I feel like I am faking.
I don't care who reads it... It'smy right to have people read whatever I write. I'm the author... I choose what I say if people don't like it  don't read it or forget about it. They tell me I am going to be judge with what people read... like I dont' know that... I've been judge my whole like and why? Well mainly because I wouldn't say a word. Now, I know people judge me and sure they feel they have a right but I don't care because it's no longer up to them.... it's now up to me. There will always be those who hate and who like us and will have to deal with it... But I am trully tired of hiding... I am tired of it... I am going to be honest.

crazy internet people

ok, so it had been a really long time since I had join a chat room... probably not since college.... them people are weird, lol. Anyways today I was so bored I decided to join one...on my myspace IM and well all I wrote was "I've never been in a chat room" and well all of a sudden 5 people had send me private IMs so I got out of the chat room because I couldn't handle the multitude .... well  a couple died down quick and then there was another who was from Educador... it took a while on convo but also finally died down... the guy talked about business and his schooling so I gave him his money worth... and his last question was if I was single... I wasn't going to lie... lol.

Anyways, so there were 2 others ... very intereting
The first guy, nice at thebeginning.... he called me hun... and he really wanted me to see his webcam... he is white male, 20 skinny... hair cut a 1 I think... really short because prior occupation... marine. He asked me how did he look and I said young... I didnt want to hurt his feelings... I felt bad. And that was when he made his first comment, "I guess I am never good enough"... So I tried to tell him it's not thathe's not good enough and then he proceeds to tell me he was going to be 23 next month... like age really matters...not when it's one year... I have gotten over that. Anyways, I was doing small talk and he asks for my numbers... well as of now I can't make calls on my cell sadly, or receive them.... and then he asks for a home number and hahaha we don't have one... not like I would give it to anybody though. He was always buzzing me... he wanted all the attention... and then I stopped viewing his webcam... becuase he was just stretching...and it was boring... so he got mad because I stopped viewing and asked me why... ( Geez, crazy!)  So I am always trying to find people interesting well to see if they are... so I asked if he went to school (no) and he says he just got out and well I wanted to know from what and that was when he said he was a Marine... and he was stationed in Iraq... so I was trying to get him to talk but he only did small talk and would  get mad if I wouldn't say anything.... and then he starts to say, "I wish you were here" so I tell him I don't meet people from online...so he says he wasted his time, he's noto good enough... and I am like WTF... he says he's a fool and I teasingly well being a bitch I tell hiim, "is that what they teach you in the marines" and he just says, "You don't wanna know"
...
So I am going to post a little of just the ending of the convo...  sometimes i feel I can't convey what they person is trying to say unless we know what they wrote. This is really where I become comfused and I didn't know what to you anymore... I was a little shocked and appalled....

Him: please give me a chance

Me: for what?

him: to met

Just finished watching "He's just not that into you" for the second time ... lol and I this time it actually made me cry... hahaha  ... chick flicks... I feel lonelier than ever now ... I guess its' the thing we do... can you believe it... All those stupid girls in those movies always end up with somebody... and my whole life all I wanted the perfect person... had one once... who turned out not so prince charming ... and here I am still waiting and dreaming... and the thing is that I do make my self more available ....  I don't want to wait anymore... what can I do to make something happen? Well what can I do to meet people? People who might be interested in me but not only that... people who I will be intersted in as well.... This whole thing has always been such a hard concept for me! People like me and then I let time pass... I Am very undecisive... when I finally decide it's too late... People are always trying to make me a booty call...  I don't think that's fair... is that the vibe I give out...not good enough for a relationship but ok... to f**k... I don't know...Is it because people see I am a single mom and expect me to be easy, is that it? I don't get it...some one who gets itplease explain...

*sigh*

NO way out...

Sometimes I wonder and wonder and wonder... What if this ... what if that... If something wouldn't have happened like 4 years ago... I know I wouldn't have such a precious baby... but you know what I would have ... I would have freedom.... I would be out of here... I would have never came back... I would just have disappeared... I know the only reason I had to be back is because the school wouldn't allow me to be there living on campus... The day I went back the crap started at home... So then I was pressured into regardless of what I felt to go live on campus but I said no and continued to suffer... that was the beginning of the end... and I knew it...the criticism... the pain... not only for me but for my child...  I would still have some connections but I would have no bind... I would be traveling with friends... and visiting family... I would have never stopped working and the money flow would have been better... I wouldn't be here struggling doing everything "mother" says.... I now take her to every meeting she wants, I take sometimes twice a day and to buy stuff.... I have to do it all... now let's say that I am tired... well then I am an ingrate and NEVER help her... I am a mother fucking slave at my house.... I am a fucking INGRATE...  Yeah, that I am... now she tells me you should go work at McD's... yeah the fuck right... she wants me to bring income because my dad wont get her any... because my sis works and she wont give her any... the logic is... Take and take and take and use and ask... and then I tell her ... I am going to teach you to drive... oh I can't... I just want her to be self sufficient so I can do my own fucking crap... I am trapped with no way out... it's all my fault...  I have some cuts ... well not more like old scars.... and my son's dad once said you're crazy... you have suicidal tenancies... you just want attention... I don't think I just want or crave attention... I need it... I don't have any... I am alone... I feel trapped within these walls... with no escape... I am like a fucking stupid bird...they let me out of the cage for a little and I always fucking seem to come back... why? I should just go out and make my life... but with no jobs in the market... I am a stupid statistic... A  Mexican single mother with a useless college degree... she doesnt work, she doesn't even enjoy life, doesn't go out, doesn't spent time with friends, much less can't even go out for a drink... I just need to get drunk and stay out ... I just need some freedoms... and why don't I have anything...Why? WHY? 

licorice or lipstick

Thursday I receive a phone call from this guy. He asks if I have styling gel. So I have my mom check her inventory and she says yes. So I gladly say we do. Then he asks how much is it and I give him the price and then he says ok. And then I ask him where he lives... I don't know but I thought it would be a great idea to drop it off and get time off from the home. He gives me his address but I have such a hard time understanding him. His accent was so thick and strong I almost literally could not understand a single thing he was saying not even when he was trying to spell out the words. I thought he was going to be an Indian customer I have. SoI finally get the address... and was relieved... and then he tells me... I want 6... so I ask my mom do we have 6 and of course we were lucky enough to only have 1... boo. So originally we were going to go get product and then I would go turn it in... well at the end... we didn't know... I went by my self... I knew it was friday and it was going to be rush hour and God knows Danny could barely stand being in  a car when it's going at 70; we wouldhave to bare the yelling and screaming... through traffic. No way. I go get the product in Santa Fe Springs and then head off to turn in the product in corona... So when I got there... I had forgotten that it was an Apartment Complex... I didn't' have the name of it... iit was confusing and traffic doesn't allow to look and see if this one might be it... I called him because I felt lost... and no help thank strong accent... so then I call again and ask for the name... finally! He had to repeat it so many times... I couldn't understand... btu I went into a complex... and was driving through the parking and well lucky I saw the name...  River Run....  and he had also said that he was going to go meet me in the parking lot... good... So I park and get off of the car.... there was an older asian guy eating red licorice... I shale his hand and he wanted to do the shake and kiss... but we only did the shake so he says, " Never would I have imagined such a beautiful young lady" and that's when I noticed he was wearing reddish pink lipstick... it was rubbing off... noit wasn't the licorice... because it doesn't leave you looking like that So he couldn't get off at how supposedly pretty I was.... so I gavehim his stuff and he gave me the money... So I proceeded to end the convo and say good bye... I shook his hand and he went for the kiss again...  The thing was that he wanted to kiss me inmy lips... yeah... my lips so I gave him a small kiss in his cheek and said good bye... As I was walking around my car... he still said... I ccan't believe how beautiful you are... I am going too dream about you tonight... So flattered as I was said thanks... and he told me to be careful and all this stuff... So I said thank you once again and left... he was staring at me leave like if he had lost something precious go away... I know I am exagerating but that is the way he saw my car leave.... lol.... Man was I glad that was over quick and that he came out to the parking lot instead of me going to his house... I need to start taking a buddy or something... lol... but that was something.....

When was the first moment you discovered love?

That is a funny one... when my heart was broken for the first time... 2 months after a relationship was initiated... I think that was first moment I realized at the moment that I never wanted it to end... it was 2 days after my birthday... I had just turned 17...

  
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

If you could eat one food every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I know tastes vary a lot and there are other things that I would each everyday... but the truth is that if I do eat the others every day... I can imagine what I would life like in 20-30 years... so one thing that I like and if anything I know I would get the least tired of is... chicken salad... I kind of want some right now...
  
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

Ramdom...weird and funny?

Ok, I still do not know what happened... but this was totally random which I am still confused and mixed emotions about... not negative excited, happy, curious, yet held back... This is not a stranger. I went to high school with this person but he wasn't exactly in my group of friends per say... let's just say that when he went to high school I was barely allowed to even talk to my friends yet alone other kids.... I am going to leave everything as it was said...  well there you  go... One thing I forgot to mention that might be very important is that this is not the same guy from the other post. This is completely different person and hadn't spoken to him in forever...

Himhola

MEhello

Him

what u up to?

ME

nothing much.... I'm online... and you?

Him

i suppose im online as well. lol

how have you been?

ME

I've been good... thinking about starting to practice again... you?

Him

eh just working on some stuff

ME

where do you work?

Him

i run a design frim with me and three other designers and a photo event thing

ME

The magic of interenet, huh? It's been years... how many years ago did you graduate from KHS?

oh really... wow... that is awesome!

Him

i graduated hmm 3 years ago

ME

oh wow... not too llong ago...

I graduated from Redlands 2 years ago... going on 3

Him

im graduating from my school next month

ME

cool, what school...

Him

its an art school

art institute

ME

oh cook

cool

Him

lol i was like cook?

ME

when did you decide you decide you want to do Art

hahaha...

Yeah small typo...;p;

Him

hmm seniior year

ME

that's cool ... what about music?

Him

yea music is still important but i do alot of producing for videos and stuff like that

ME

oh wow... that is coolk

Him

some what i guess lol

ME

Not many people go into the whole Art

thing...

But you still play some then... in a band or you just practice

Him

a bit of both

ME

When you play with the band... you guys have gigs?

Him

not so much anymore cus im starting a clothing line and its taking up alot of my time

ME

yeah, I bet...

what kind of clothes are you working on

Him

its like street wear meets high fashion lol

ME

oh really... that sounds like a good idea

Him

hopefully lol

ME

there are so many styles out there... are you focusing on one specifically?

Him

yea im staying in one market

ME

what styles are you redesigning?

Him

wait im not following?

ME

Since there are so many styles out in the market... what kind of style is the "street wear meets high fashion" what is it suppose to look like

Him

eek! i wil lshow you examples later I gotta run real quick but ill ttyl! ok!

ME

ok

It was real nice talkin g to you

Him

indeed

ME

:)

take care

[That was the first conversation we had earlier in the day which you know was just catching up. Yeah, how're you doing and blah blah blah... but he is nice and funny. I mean talking about designing his own clothes line, that pretty awesome. I just a catch up convo and that was it.

Okay, so this next convo I am probably going to be writing along the text but to begin there is a place where I ask "what do you mean back end?" it's because he had written a comment on my status or something and he wanted to know the back code to how a my webpage program was written. CS termonology I guess... All I knew was a little of c++ and sometimes I don't know how I passed it... hahaha but I loved it though]

Him

hola

ME

hello

ME

what do you mean back end?

Him

oh like the code

i need to see what the structure of the code is so i can figure out what it is i can do to improve it

ME

oh... I have no clue what code they used...

I can give you my password but I don't know if that helps any because they have their own CS people who deal with

Him

yea i doubt i would be able to get into the code or anything.

so what are you up to?

ME

yeah, I doubt it too...

watching TV with my mom, you ?

Him

just looking at some audio stuff on amazon.

do you still live in fontana?

ME

what kind of audio stuff...

yea I still live in same ol' fontaana

Him

lol me too

umm

like microphones and midi controllers and stuff

Me

oh that's cool... what are you planning on doing with that stuff...

for recording?

Him

yea kind of. im gonna make a bunch of tutorial videos to show people how to edit photos and stuff in different ways

ME

oh that will be cool

I need that info...lol

Him

lol do you edit photos?

11:31pmReyna

a little they don't work out how I wish I look make them look

I use a little of photobucket

Him

oh ok i c

ME

yeah... but in even that I don't get how to do much

Him

lol well i can teach you!

ME

that would be nice...

I do have a question though... what made you want to talk to me today...

just asking

Him

hmm idk. we never really talked as much in high school and i think that was lame cus high school was just like that like you only talk to your friends you know? and you always seemed so nice and everything you know?

ME

yeah, that was true... high school was kind of lame... and sadly I hardly talked to my friends too... times were a little hard them

Him

yea indeed

ME

And thanks for thinking I was nice... I would try a little and it was hard having a controlling person in my back

lol

I am greatful I didn't loose them either

Him

yea true. its kind of funny to think that the people we choose to be friends with when we are young kind of play a major factor in the way our lives end up? lol

ME

that is true...

well I thank all my friends... they're so smart

I admire every single one of them

Him

thats good

i cant remember a time outside of band that me and you or anyone else for that matter ever hung out? lol

ME

yeah that is true...lol

life was band back them... we we mostly lived in school though

Him

lol true

ME

I don't think I enjoyed time until when I went to College and even then it took a while 'til it all stopped

Him

but things are good now right?

ME

yeah, they are...

:)

Him

good!

ME

there are the ocassional up and downs but everybody has them ... :)

Him

true. just cant let them keep you down

ME

that is true... and that is one of the life challenges to meet... to conquer all the biggest downs

Him

well its like they say when things are bad they could always get worse lol

ME

lol, yeah... my life and that of Art's wife... we're real good friends...

Him

lol is that so? that sounds like a tv show

ME

you have no idea how our lives are...

you did know I had one of his kids...?

Him

yea i remember that

ME

well he had another with her ... 4 months and 10 days later...

Him

eek

ME

put that whole drama together... we sure can write a huge book

more dramatic than Reba

Him

lol

ME

Have you seen the show Rebaa?

Him

i think iv seen it once or twice

ME

well a little similar... if you ever see again... well think real life... lol

but we're ok... I think we make our life easier because the kids play...

Today

ME

One day I will I will write a book

It's going to have fun writing it... but it will be tough on all... including myself

Him

very true! well you should include atleast paragraph of our chats on facebook lol

ME

lol

I guess I will have to include something... or something about this kid playing trombone...

Him

lol perhaps but thats not interesting enough! so you will have to spice it up and say we had a wild fling or something of that sort lol

[That was where his little comment caught me off guard but it was weird. He wanted to be in my story... not only because we're having a convo but it's obvious that he has been thinking about something... ]

Me

hahaha...

well then it wouldn't be a memoir...

Him

well if you insist on the wild fling happening i suppose im game lol

then atleast you wouldnt be lieing

[And then I  wouldn't be lying... lol it would be a memmoirs and it would be a true book frommy diary... would that make the story better? lol]

ME

lol ... it would be 99 % ght

lol

*right

You're funny

Him

well thank you

well now if we dont have the fling you can atleast write that i was funny

but the fling sounds funner!

ME

l   [ was trying to write "lol" but his comment interrupted]

Him

lol

ME

lol

You're right... you're very funny

And I guess higgh school did make it hard to have this sort of communication

Him

yea. yea it did

12:06amReyna

type of friends in high school sort of select you at the time... it's strange...

Him

yea its almost like know one has a say in who there friends are you know?

ME

that is true...

it's weird how once you get out... everybody can have more of a connection...

Him

yea which brings me to the point of how high school is very much like prison lol

ME

like sports people actually are willing to talk to people because they're not look down apart...lol

it is very much so...

Everybody has to stick to their own or get eaten alive

Him

yup

Him

ok ok enough bashing of high school! lol

back to the fling and the book! lol

better topic!

lol =]  [Somehow I figured he would go back to this... he was really interested in this fling... even though he is trying to be subtle in a not so subtle way which may also have been his intention to begin with, right... it was funny, so who cares!]

ME

lol

yeah the book

The book will have a lot of spice and tragedy

which people love

Him

well i wont read it unless im in it! lol

does that sound self involved? lol [No, it doesn't, does it... lol ]

ME

lol

you're funny

ok... I will put you in there

Him

well what is it gonna say!? lol

ME

I'll say we had a fling in high school and unexpectedly cheated on the oh so controoling boyfriend who lost control

lol  [Well I was going to say what he wanted me to say... of course and to make things easier I put the time frame of high school knowing that that was not what he really wanted me to put...]

Him

what happened to not lying! lol? [If it's lying then it's not true right...]

ME

lol

well... what's a lil white lie right

I guess for the tragedy and suspense to work

I will have to juice it up a little

Him

i suppose! but like i stated before. lies are fine but the fling is not a bad idea!!

lol =]  [There you go... it was stated... Still a little confusing... but the exclamation points...]

ME

lol

ok...

Him

lol is it still afling if we plan it out? lol

i think so? [Plan it out... lol]

ME

lol .... you're so weird... andfunny

Him

lol weird is bad? or? lol

ME

no... it's not bad...

just trying to figure things out...   [Mainly if what he is talking about has a reasoning or if he is serious. I don't know if he is joking around and yet is a bit reserved... you know people are weird...I didn't know if people are still like before wanting to have cyber sex and all which I use to do so many years ago and it just got boring....]

Him

such as?

ME

Nothing... lol [I wasn't going to tell him... especiall if I am not sure what we are talking about ]

Him

ohh.. thats no fun! lol

tell me! =] [It's not because he knows I know but I am not sure if he thought I was still a bit unsure... and I didn't want to put it out there and look stupid or get my self into something without being aware]

ME

I though you would think so...

Him

lol think what?

ME

that "that's no fun!"

So tell me ... you have a girlfriend? [So this is where I need to figure out what he is saying]

Him

hmmm not in the traditional sense but yes [Traditional sense? What?]

ME

what do you mean tradition sense?

ME

you artist... always using fluid terms

Him

well like a manogamus sense. what i mean to say is things got real bad with a big disconnect so we are still together just open. it tends to be complicated which is why im not looking for any relationship. which is normally a turn away immediatly with girls but i dont think it should be. i think its just a lack of understanding

ME

yeah, I see

lol

Him

so whats your take?

ME

are you serious... lol [still unsure and I needed to buy a few seconds to think]

Him

wait serious about?

ME

wanting to know my take?

let me think a little...

Him

oh yea

ok

ME

well I think that if a person be with a person witout compltely falling in love them maybe...I think that sometimes some one might end up hurt

Him

some one could end up hurt agreed. but at the same time i think that it is because we get the idea that that is just how things work. you date. you fall in love. and thats it. but the reality of the situation is that is relatively far from how things work out most of the time. so i think it is upon us as individuals to say am i going to believe that this is how things have to be or am i going to take things as they come and not look so far ahead

ME

well you mean to get to know more than one person at a time? And not be exclusive with one until ?

You never want to be exclusive?

Him

no. i mean if things get to the point where you know this is the person you want to be with then great. but how many times have you been in a situation where someone down the line of a relationship has a falling out and then your hurt because you had the thought that he was the one? you know?

ME

well one time... because I only had one relationship in my life...

and you're right...

Him

now think for a second if you went into the relationship with know anticapation. know knowledge of what love is or what it should be? and you didnt think that once your in a relationship then you stay in it. do you think you would have been nearly as hurt?

ME

Well I think if I went back knowing the facts I know now... sadly it would still have the same turn our

out*

sometimes even then... people can get hurt even if they try and not let strong feelings get involved

Maybe I wouldn't have gotten hurt but the otherr person would have...

I don't know... but I know what you mean, though... in theory it makes sense

Him

lol now only if theory would or could be placed in to reality!

ME

yea, everybody's lifewould be easier and the divorce rate wouldn't be as high in the US

Him

well thats all due to the processes i explain to you before about how people are tuned to believe how things should be

ME

exactly... sadly people even have misconceptions of what marriage is also... and that is how they fair miserably within the first 5-7 years

Him

yup. people are always in denial of just how much control they have you know?

ME

yup

Him

ok well i gotta go to sleep. so in the mean time perhaps you will consider all that has been said today and i will speak with you tomorrow?

ME

ok... hope you have a grreat night

Him

you too. oh by the way you can text me when ever you want ok!

909-XXX-XXXX

ME

lol

ok

Him

lol

ME

my num is onmy facebook

house num doesn't work

Him

ttyl

ME

k, good nnight

Him

=]

[Okay, so there you have it... now what am I suppose to think about? Not that I am confused but this is stranged yet I am really intrigued to his whole theory you know.... it's strange but he is right. I don't know the way he spoke just is more powerful than most people I guess it's that he really uses his brain to speak. But, look at that the offer is on the table... I don't know what to do... I guess I will have to sleep on it since I am rather sleepy but I speak to him tomorrrow what would I say... "I'm stuck in between "the real world" and a "theory" ? hmmm...]