I do have to say that I always look forward to the New Year. For me, I don't care about the gifts or chocolates, people supposedly receive or give. Love, is always one of the most important emotions to give and receive. In my household we have a semi big family but they're all weird or idk but it's not like a traditional get together ever so as a couple of my friends started their traditional New Year's Party which is still their family but all of our friends too which we have all become a big family, brothers and sisters. And after their "wedding of the year" in Oct 2011 we all became even closer especially the ladies... which I didn't really know btw. This year once again the traditional party continues at their house...always starts on the even and goes onto the morning, The Rose Parade and everybody scatters their own way after. It has been the only place that my parents finally got use to the fact that I was going to stay over the night. Yup... :) I drink and chill and don't have to worry about the drive back. This year I still don't know if I will be taking Daniel or not but i just might. It might be easier, it always is....
This is my favorite event of the Holidays... and my birthday even though it's 6 days after never matches to the happiness I get from bringing in the year with my cherished friends!!! So glad I met half of them in High School and continued unto College and met others after :)
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Thursday, December 30, 2010
the "g" word came up
Here we are once again. He has return yet a third time. He might really have some determination to keep coming back over and over. He is once of those who what wants he almost always gets or I don't know. And I mean last time after I felt neglected in a bit I just started talking to the one person who changed my life in a month but that was it. And here he is trying again. So I asked him what he wanted bc at times he just speaks of what he wants like (you know, that) so I asked him is that all you want? And he actually said no that he wanted something more. He wanted a girlfriend. So I asked why was he trying again. I mean I am not that bitchy but like a couple months ago I straight out turned him down and kept saying no. So he tells me he's been really busy... so I tell him that if it were to ever lead to more he can't expect me to let a month or 2 without any communication and expect me to still be around. He admits he has some stuff to work on. I don't know but I told him I would get to know him better. I guess I just admitted to giving him another chance. The sad thing is that I am not too thrilled about it but I guess someone who tries should get a benefit of the doubt. I know he doesn't have a good reputation well he has a pretty bad rep. My sister doesn't like him for sure and will not tell her or ever let her know until and if anything is to happen. The last person I talked to sure wasn't fond at the fact that I talked to him either.... *sigh* I don't know. I mean he has custody of his daughter she is in Kinder right now. He must not be bad if he takes cares of his daughter and she means the world to him. People aren't always perfect but we all deserve a chance I guess. Maybe we all don't all deserve to be completely happy but making someone else happy. I mean I am not making the complete decision of this yet... of course I am not going to pretend to be happy with someone even thought they're happy with me. Just like I would make anybody stick around with me if they weren't happy. It's not fair. And growing up, it's just so much easier to say no but I guess it's been really easy for me my whole life.
I've had my kicks but when it comes down to completely settling, this is something you really have to think through. I really have to think about Danny and not only Danny but that I can be capable to carrying the role as a mother or stepmother to another child. I know it's more common now but it's still something to consider. I mean I am sure it's something that he has thought about and that's another reason he might have me as a potential choice and that he really likes me. This is a little complicated. I guess sometimes we don't always get what we want and sometimes we end up conforming... it might just be a part of life. It is fair? I don't know but only time can tell what happens. Security, I am sure I can have... sacrifices there might have to be a lot.
I've had my kicks but when it comes down to completely settling, this is something you really have to think through. I really have to think about Danny and not only Danny but that I can be capable to carrying the role as a mother or stepmother to another child. I know it's more common now but it's still something to consider. I mean I am sure it's something that he has thought about and that's another reason he might have me as a potential choice and that he really likes me. This is a little complicated. I guess sometimes we don't always get what we want and sometimes we end up conforming... it might just be a part of life. It is fair? I don't know but only time can tell what happens. Security, I am sure I can have... sacrifices there might have to be a lot.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
What is the worst Xmas/birthday/valentine/anniversary gift you or your friend ever received?
Actually to be honest the worst gift for any of these not materialistic items but the fact or the realization of being alone and not having someone to share it with. It may not make sense to some but it will to others. You can receive a hideous item but someone thought you might life it or you came to mind when they bought it. But, when you're alone and nobody takes the time to realize you're alive, that's Jul 31, 2013 the worse moment...
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
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rambling with tangents
It is so weird but the day is rapidly approaching where a different number will be alongside my first digit of 2(*) and soon enough it will start with a 3- but I am not 29... lol not that soon... I don't know if I am the only one that feels this way. Time flies and I am the least to notice how swiftly it goes but i am afraid that one day I will look into the mirror and realize that my skin is wrinkled, my hair highlighted with sheers of gray. my son all grown and I realize that there is not much worth for what I've done and I am still lonely. I hate to think negatively but as years comes I can't help but to feel depressed. Sure every year has it's moments but are 5 months of a year worth it when 5 of the time you were crying or when 4 of the months are memories you can't really have... I am still til today happy and sure I am still living with a few memories frankly because sometimes just remembering some moments of this year of 2010 are far better than just the current present time.
I can't believe I still feel like I haven't aged since I was 19 which is what scares me the most. I see 17-19 year olds and realize that they're the age of my youngest siblings and then it starts making me feel of age. And then I think of how fast time has flown by and here I am 4 years under my belt with hardly anything to vouch for. Yea, Sure there are a few accomplishments without a doubt but not big enough. Maybe the end will have to go with a bang to make up for all the lost time but by then what will be the point.
People keep telling me I am young and blah blah blah... sure in comparison to them probably but I may be but I still feel the time is closely coming to an end... and I don't mean this in a morbid way but it is.
I feel I have missed out meeting people and frankly there are things that are my fault and the dreams and goals of a lil girl full of dreams come in 9 days from today will be completely unfulfilled. There is no control in life... and I've always have had a difficulty getting to know the men...partly bc I am what they say a little different. I bring in curiosity but I don't think anybody has ever seen me as more than a second of their lives... I see people and I feel as though they can't see me as something else...Meeting people is not easy. Friends have suggested online dating... but I don't want to... I've talked to people but I get bored, annoyed and it's not fair to people... I guess I don't know if I am being a little shallow, I'm not that pretty, I do have a good heart but that isn't always enough.
I guess I wish I can truly make this year for my birthday is that I at least have someone who loves me and I can cherish by the time I turn 30 without having the aides of dating sights. I mean sure I have talked to a few people who I have come in contact but weren't total strangers through FB but we'll see what happens. I guess life and things are hard enough than to add a completely stranger to the chaos I cause...
But, I guess that through it all I will at least have those friends who have walked side by side throughout the years... We've all had our hard times in life but none the less we're all still there. For the first time this year I took a guy to a party with my friends and still I continue to take none to the new year's party... but it's ok... I realized a lot of things... "beggers can't be choosers" well they can right... I don't conform to less than what we both deserve... and I don't mean this in a looks column but attraction always comes into play... mine is intellectually... Only one person has challenged me in every way which happened to also be in this year of 2010 but that's the past also. And most can't handle... I hate when people call me smart or always right and can't seem to take the challenge. I don't act or pretend to be right to stay right.... Anyways... I've rambled about god knows what here...
I can't believe I still feel like I haven't aged since I was 19 which is what scares me the most. I see 17-19 year olds and realize that they're the age of my youngest siblings and then it starts making me feel of age. And then I think of how fast time has flown by and here I am 4 years under my belt with hardly anything to vouch for. Yea, Sure there are a few accomplishments without a doubt but not big enough. Maybe the end will have to go with a bang to make up for all the lost time but by then what will be the point.
People keep telling me I am young and blah blah blah... sure in comparison to them probably but I may be but I still feel the time is closely coming to an end... and I don't mean this in a morbid way but it is.
I feel I have missed out meeting people and frankly there are things that are my fault and the dreams and goals of a lil girl full of dreams come in 9 days from today will be completely unfulfilled. There is no control in life... and I've always have had a difficulty getting to know the men...partly bc I am what they say a little different. I bring in curiosity but I don't think anybody has ever seen me as more than a second of their lives... I see people and I feel as though they can't see me as something else...Meeting people is not easy. Friends have suggested online dating... but I don't want to... I've talked to people but I get bored, annoyed and it's not fair to people... I guess I don't know if I am being a little shallow, I'm not that pretty, I do have a good heart but that isn't always enough.
I guess I wish I can truly make this year for my birthday is that I at least have someone who loves me and I can cherish by the time I turn 30 without having the aides of dating sights. I mean sure I have talked to a few people who I have come in contact but weren't total strangers through FB but we'll see what happens. I guess life and things are hard enough than to add a completely stranger to the chaos I cause...
But, I guess that through it all I will at least have those friends who have walked side by side throughout the years... We've all had our hard times in life but none the less we're all still there. For the first time this year I took a guy to a party with my friends and still I continue to take none to the new year's party... but it's ok... I realized a lot of things... "beggers can't be choosers" well they can right... I don't conform to less than what we both deserve... and I don't mean this in a looks column but attraction always comes into play... mine is intellectually... Only one person has challenged me in every way which happened to also be in this year of 2010 but that's the past also. And most can't handle... I hate when people call me smart or always right and can't seem to take the challenge. I don't act or pretend to be right to stay right.... Anyways... I've rambled about god knows what here...
yup Christmas and forward
Things are good and bad as always... things are very tough economically and even though we are like 4 months behind we finally manage to pay 1 1/2 worth of it... food is very little I think we're surviving so we're not starving. Things are very tough but at least my dad is working. We finally got my white car back so thankfully my dad is coming back to sleep at home more often than he was before. For a while we thought he just didn't want to come back but he is coming back so I think he appreciated what it is to be with us.
Christmas well in our household for years it has mainly been just a regular day but it was a good day. We didn't do anything for Christmas Eve well we never do but this year since my brother's gf was coming over we made some dinner... something fast and my sister came over that night too... We ate and then watched a movie... and then sleep... Christmas day we all woke up really late and my dad didn't want to go to church with my mom so she asked me... my sis and I both went with her.Then we came back and made food. My sister has bought something for Danny for Christmas so she had him open the gift... Since for his birthday she got him a Buzz Light Year, for Christmas he got a Woody ... he was very excited and she got him a little shirt and her friend bought Danny a pair of shoes... We are very grateful for all of them. Then in the evening her bf came over and he brought Danny a lil gift which ended up being "How to train your Dragon" and Danny hasn't stopped watching it since then.... People who love Danny!
Unfortunately, for the rest of us we couldn't buy anything but that's what made me realize so much more the meaning of Christmas and how family is so important. See when we were little and like many kids you get an idea -a false idea- of Christmas which is receiving gifts and sure very year we would look forward to it but that wasn't but it really was about. I know this was the first year in my life where I just couldn't afford anything for him which I felt bad. But, at the same time he's not asking for Christmas gifts bc it's nothing something we have embedded into his little mind. We have had tough years for sometime now and my bros still complain a bit but there is so much they don't understand... which is where money comes from... Jobs are still tough... but we're all trying our best to make ends meet. Sometimes some take for granted what we have....they complain about the food and that we don't have TV... and our services being shut off all the time but we're struggling and trying our best.
I hope things change soon. Well I know things will change. And it's always for a positive. One brother has his baby due in like a week... he's the one that will have to do the more growing up and changes bc he's just too selfish still and doesn't understand. The comments he makes are so frustrating... But we are all in a path and we have a place and a mission to accomplish.
The New Year is right around the corner.There is so much to give thanks for. There are so many people that have came in and left... so many have impacted in ways they will never know... but that's what I am thankful for. I think that even though 2010 has been the poorest year, it has truly been the year that we have been given many gifts particularly myself. I have learned to open and close myself... I have learned more about my heart and people... and what makes me happy and how to control my sadness. I have learned to actually want a pregnancy once again then yet again not want one.
This year like every year has been for like 5-6 years... if it all goes as planned I will be going to my friends to end this old year and welcome the New Year! I know we should do it in family but it's not a constant thing with the family and it's been a small tradition established where we all go see each other and enjoy... it will be all just like in Vegas in September and the Wedding in October... the same friends always together making memories... the best of friends.... and even though we rarely see each other the moments we do they're memorable. :) Which reminds me the Wedding premier for the October one we were in will be on January 9th, 2011 ! 9pm in WeTV which means there will be posting of pics shortly after. I can't believe the time has finally came. Time flies...
Christmas well in our household for years it has mainly been just a regular day but it was a good day. We didn't do anything for Christmas Eve well we never do but this year since my brother's gf was coming over we made some dinner... something fast and my sister came over that night too... We ate and then watched a movie... and then sleep... Christmas day we all woke up really late and my dad didn't want to go to church with my mom so she asked me... my sis and I both went with her.Then we came back and made food. My sister has bought something for Danny for Christmas so she had him open the gift... Since for his birthday she got him a Buzz Light Year, for Christmas he got a Woody ... he was very excited and she got him a little shirt and her friend bought Danny a pair of shoes... We are very grateful for all of them. Then in the evening her bf came over and he brought Danny a lil gift which ended up being "How to train your Dragon" and Danny hasn't stopped watching it since then.... People who love Danny!
Unfortunately, for the rest of us we couldn't buy anything but that's what made me realize so much more the meaning of Christmas and how family is so important. See when we were little and like many kids you get an idea -a false idea- of Christmas which is receiving gifts and sure very year we would look forward to it but that wasn't but it really was about. I know this was the first year in my life where I just couldn't afford anything for him which I felt bad. But, at the same time he's not asking for Christmas gifts bc it's nothing something we have embedded into his little mind. We have had tough years for sometime now and my bros still complain a bit but there is so much they don't understand... which is where money comes from... Jobs are still tough... but we're all trying our best to make ends meet. Sometimes some take for granted what we have....they complain about the food and that we don't have TV... and our services being shut off all the time but we're struggling and trying our best.
I hope things change soon. Well I know things will change. And it's always for a positive. One brother has his baby due in like a week... he's the one that will have to do the more growing up and changes bc he's just too selfish still and doesn't understand. The comments he makes are so frustrating... But we are all in a path and we have a place and a mission to accomplish.
The New Year is right around the corner.There is so much to give thanks for. There are so many people that have came in and left... so many have impacted in ways they will never know... but that's what I am thankful for. I think that even though 2010 has been the poorest year, it has truly been the year that we have been given many gifts particularly myself. I have learned to open and close myself... I have learned more about my heart and people... and what makes me happy and how to control my sadness. I have learned to actually want a pregnancy once again then yet again not want one.
This year like every year has been for like 5-6 years... if it all goes as planned I will be going to my friends to end this old year and welcome the New Year! I know we should do it in family but it's not a constant thing with the family and it's been a small tradition established where we all go see each other and enjoy... it will be all just like in Vegas in September and the Wedding in October... the same friends always together making memories... the best of friends.... and even though we rarely see each other the moments we do they're memorable. :) Which reminds me the Wedding premier for the October one we were in will be on January 9th, 2011 ! 9pm in WeTV which means there will be posting of pics shortly after. I can't believe the time has finally came. Time flies...
Dream
Well the last couple of nights have been full of dreams especially this night. They have consisted of Tony which I am yet to understand because we haven't had that much communication. Or better yet there is now less interaction. I had a lot of dreams last night and remember bits and pieces but very blurry. There was a lot of action as in movement but there is one that stands out the most and I don't know why but it woke me up with my heart racing...
So I was in like this lil cart, it seemed Like I was getting on a ride or something . I remember looking down at it and thinking man why do My hips have to be so big... So I kept trying to scoot over to my right and kept moving over but of course there is only so much right you can move... And when I was in the process doing that Tony comes and sits right next to me. Good thing he's really skinny or wouldn't have fit. He sits and puts his arm around me. I was so confused and he says "let me tell you something" and my heart starts racing, his arms around my shoulder and turning me as he's looking straight into my eyes "you're different, they're all the same. They're too normal"
"even ......" referring to his now b and he nods ... He was about to say something and I freak out ... And that's where I wake up ... I couldn't sleep and I couldn't hear what he had to say ... It was too much for me to handle even in a dream.
It was weird I've never had a dream where I felt it was too intense and I couldn't take hearing what they had to say. Good thing it was a dream and not real... I guess easier to run in a dream than if we were face to face...
I guess since it was also a dream I just preferred not giving me a false illusion at something that's not... I mean its obvious. I try really hard not to think of him like that but only as friends ... And when this happens it helps doubt whether I'm actually over him or if he were to kiss me I would still melt. His kisses have been one of the only ones that struck me and I felt something. *sigh* yea good thing I didn't hear the last part...
So I was in like this lil cart, it seemed Like I was getting on a ride or something . I remember looking down at it and thinking man why do My hips have to be so big... So I kept trying to scoot over to my right and kept moving over but of course there is only so much right you can move... And when I was in the process doing that Tony comes and sits right next to me. Good thing he's really skinny or wouldn't have fit. He sits and puts his arm around me. I was so confused and he says "let me tell you something" and my heart starts racing, his arms around my shoulder and turning me as he's looking straight into my eyes "you're different, they're all the same. They're too normal"
"even ......" referring to his now b and he nods ... He was about to say something and I freak out ... And that's where I wake up ... I couldn't sleep and I couldn't hear what he had to say ... It was too much for me to handle even in a dream.
It was weird I've never had a dream where I felt it was too intense and I couldn't take hearing what they had to say. Good thing it was a dream and not real... I guess easier to run in a dream than if we were face to face...
I guess since it was also a dream I just preferred not giving me a false illusion at something that's not... I mean its obvious. I try really hard not to think of him like that but only as friends ... And when this happens it helps doubt whether I'm actually over him or if he were to kiss me I would still melt. His kisses have been one of the only ones that struck me and I felt something. *sigh* yea good thing I didn't hear the last part...
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