Was it a dream...

These last couple of days were just like a dream...
They were fun, and got lots of spoons full of loved-ones' sugar.  The way it felt was the most amazing feeling AND the best part was that it was able to be recreated yesterday:
Playing Chess (and always losing haha  )
Guitar hero
Park
Burger King
more Guitar Hero
Lots and lots of talking...
Seeing my two favorite people play warmed my heart made me happy and don't want it to end.
If days like these last couple days meant having them like that for the rest of my life... I truly wouldn't mind that at all.
This morning when I woke up, I woke up a little sad. haha there was a presence missing. But back to life and reality it is. Kind of...
The little details of life and the small moments of happiness which actually started a week ago today going to the movies with my son. We all were able to accommodate a movie date and he loved it. This is what he and I needed. Something so unexpected but just perfect. I really thank God for everyday and all the happiness, joy, love, excitement, honesty, trust, communication that we have. Nothing unlike anyone to ever feel as such but maybe everyone has an opportunity to have it all. I can't imagine myself to be the only one to be able to have it all. Life has spoiled me.
The best gift was these December 25 & 26...and well the beginning of 27th but not to say the surprises I received weren't thoughtful... I'm so thankful! I received sheet music and my Clarinet bible... haha everything was just perfect. I'm so happy... I received more than I deserve!

Life is perfect and nothing can put me down at the moment!

Maybe No College is better than debt

Five almost 6 years ago after so much work and dedication I managed to graduate from a private university after 4 years. Mind you it was a real struggle. The minorities in this country for the minority in this school but it was ok. I loved the campus, it's beautiful. I cried to finish and get out in time. It was hard work and many sleepless night and juggling of job, personal life and school work. I did have to drop my other major with happened to be Psychology but even if I would have gotten it. it would be useless right now anyways. (I'll come back to this)

See At the end of my sophomore year. I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and alone and didn't have anywhere to turn. The only people who knew were my close friends in school. I know they feared for me too. At that moment in life, I felt the roof coming down on me. I felt like my life had ended. I suppose I'm glad that it didn't and I have a precious boy. But, there were so many struggles. I had to sometimes take the newly born child to class to take him to his dr appointments. I had myself only to rely. I was a single mother. And, it was tough. I don't  know how I got through much of it but I thank God that he and my family helped watch over the small innocent child. I hardly slept but it was my burden to bear. I didn't even have a chance to live. But, why should I? I needed to finish school... I needed to start getting my degree to work on my favor.
When the exit interview happened I was so relieved to be done, I didn't want to go to the graduation. I felt as though a college graduation was a lot less important that what the high school graduation felt like but it was  obviously more important.
I went to graduation for my family and I was never so relieved to walk and be done with this. I was happy. I was.
then there was no work and there was the pressure of not having a job and school loans were due.

I started hearing about friends getting their degrees in the mail or diploma... what ever that's called. I got sad. I never got mine. I started thinking to myself... what if I really didn't graduate. I was living in this fear. It was agonizing so I lived with it. I wanted it but I didn't know what to do.

A few days ago, a  friend told me she was getting this job that would train her. She just needed to show her transcripts to have taken some classes. She said since I work with students now that I would probably be paid higher. It seems appealing and not too bad.
I called my University and talked to them about my diploma and transcripts and they said they can't release them because I owe money. I graduated but not done.
I don't have a job and I can't get a better or a little higher paying job because I can't use my diploma. I wont get hired in a stupid minimum. I need to pay like $11,000 until they will release my Diploma or any transcripts. Can you imagine how long it will take me pay that off?  Then I can get a more worthy job that I worked so much of my life for? Maybe, I suppose....
Teachers where I work have insisted me to become a sub. I took the test once. And didn't pass *sad face* I wanted to take it again so I can start getting paid and take care of my loans. I need to take care of those and then I looked up the requirements. I need to turn in transcripts ... well I'm stumped. I can't do a single thing what will give me decent money without copies of what I did in college.

Talk about a kick in the face when you're already feeling down. There is nothing I can do but accept the fact that I'm in  the same position as a student who just graduated from High school. I only have that Diploma as proof.
I think a higher power hates me a little and tries to cover it up in different ways. Or I don't know. I feels like there's no way out of this. This means I'll probably be 40 when I can finally go to grad school or something.
I thought a higher education was suppose to make your life easier not worse. I don't know. I guess this is where you know who prevails in those situations and why people without money are conscious now not to go to school. The rich wonder why we can't go to school, they hold our degrees hostage. It's ok I suppose I guess I should have been smart enough to follow my dream. So stupid and naive for this mexican girl who knew nothing about life choose to follow her heart. I think that if I wouldn't have gone to college I'd be in the same place and probably better because I wouldn't have all this debt at least.
I'm so out of words. I feel happy one moment and sad the next. I know this doesn't matter to any of you and there is nothing that can be done. I guess I'm the only one that can cheer myself up but I can't right now. I'm just so emotional. I feel so unhappy and sad. I want to not feel like this but I don't know how.
I want to do more but I don't know how.

I suppose that:

I suppose I can have no money at all. I suppose I would have done my dream and I wouldn't have wonderful students to teach. I suppose that I wouldn't have an impact on any kids at all. I'm sure things can be worse. I can be out of the street. Have no transportation.

Maybe I should think of these but *sigh*

Don't get me wrong... I appreciate... but

Time is flying and the time is nearly ending since we all know the world is going to end in 23 days. Well haha yea I'm sure.

I'm not like those emotional girls... who... wait... yea I am or try not to be. Many things make me cry. Sometimes I hide it and sometimes I don't. It all depends on my self-restraint or how hard I can hold it. But, my throat sometimes hurts a lot when I do but I can't quite let it out. Sorry I'm not quite writing on crying.

I'm 27 right now. 27 years old. I don't know what it is about the number but it keep striking at me. In about a month or so a the following monday after the New Year has started I will be of a new age. I know birthdays come and go and they're no big deal. Well they shouldn't be a big deal in a sense. Age is nothing but a number and it's truly meaningless but the time you'll been on this planet. Most people haven't even experience happiness or self fulfillment or enlightenment most of their poor lives. Or they lives with many limits. Most people are walking dead zombies. Sad ... As I approach this new year for me. I can't help but to feel depressed. I am now in my late 20s and all I could see is 30... I don't know where the years have gone. But, I feel robbed of the last 10 years of my life.
Everytime I think of my 28 birthday. I can't help but to cry. I feel horrible. I know my life hasn't been robbed. It's been these last 10 years who have made me who I am. But, I feel like a failure. I feel like I have accomplished nothing.
Sometimes I feel like my life has been a prison. So many years wanting to get out that the moment I do I wouldn't know what to do that I've want back in to the only thing I've known.
The worst part is that I don't know where I am going. I don't know what I want to do with life. 10 years ago I was so sure of myself. I knew what I wanted and what I needed to do. Now, I have nothing. Sometimes I feel horrible I'm locked up most of the time in my room most of the day. My mom wont yell at me to do anything anymore. I've mostly done it all so there's nothing to do. I feel blah.
I want a job. I want... after such a long time. I'm sure there is more I can do. But, where I live is where I would want. And I haven't found anything. Sometimes because I feel I can't get anything it makes me hate me because I can't. How can I, if I have a degree, I have some experience and nobody or anywhere I've applied gives me a job or even a chance...
Maybe this is my winter depression time or I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like I need more alone time but that's how I'm mostly alone. I think I need more people around me but I don't think I can take it always.

I do feel somewhat better until I start thinking at a later time.

I'm just cold.

Don't get me wrong. I know there is so much to be thankful for. I should be happy and not to be an ingrate. Everyday is a gift. But, how do you stop feeling like this? How do you get more interests? How do you make yourself be happy? How do you not affect everyone around you until you can figure your shit out? Why does sometimes money make the world go 'round yet most of the world survives without it, and struggle with it and with none. Why is life unfair to most? why

why?


why?



God, gave us freewill. If we're all equal why isn't the system equal? Why is there still class system And why are wages for the hard workers less than those who hardly work and only play?

I guess it's the way it's suppose to be. I suppose we're suppose to learn humility and all that none sense.

Anyways.... That's enough of my ramblings for one night. I do feel much better though. Thank you if you read me... if not then it never really mattered anyways....

Oven didn't work on Thanksgiving day?!?!

Here we all already running late on Thanksgiving morning. We woke up late.... Although last night's dinner was wonderful!
We're rushing to the store for a couple last minute items. Just a few things to make sure everything will end up perfect.  We're in and out as fast as we could. We get home and start the prepping. I'm thinking even sleeping in until * was not enough but should have woken up early. The turkey is ready for the oven and it was nearly 12 and we're already starting to delay the anticipation of when the dinner will be ready.
I had just cleaned the oven and we're ready. I turn it on. And Johnson puts in the turkey...

It was cold and hadn't heated up.
I try and remember how the gas people turned it on and we try but it wasn't working. I call my dad and he said he'd be home in 30... gosh another 30 mins of delay. My dad comes home and everything he does is fruitless.
I stat panicking most of the stuff needs to go on the oven and it's not working. I had just used it a few days ago and it was fine.

Thankfully my sister and law wasn't in her home and she allowed us to use her oven while she was at her mother's. I had to send my brother to get the key. We finished prepping as he comes. We go to her place and didn't get the turkey in until like 2:20. That definitely meant dinner would not be ready at 5pm like we thought at first.
long story short... lol

turkey finished at like 8pm we had a ham also... left it in the oven took all the food home. We at dinner and headed back like around 10ish to get the ham. We were all stuffed  and we didn't get to touch dessert either. So much work, so much food.
I also thought more family was going to show up but sadly no one did. So much food for nothing but it was good though. Love it very much. It was the first time I had ever had a turkey dinner with all the works at my home.
I guess all it work it. Full stomachs mean happy people, I suppose. Right?! That's what we were told when we were little. I don't know if that's the truth anymore. But, that was a small mild stone in the road. A challenge we weren't expecting to deal with. But all in all it all worked out.

Hope you all had a wonderful day filled with joy and family. We all gave thanks and I'm glad we did. It was a nice evening. We all slept like babies.

you ungrateful people...

In reality we all are very ungrateful people. We all complain about everything and how hard things are but in reality we never think about everything we do have and what other's don't have the ability to have. We are ungrateful people and don't even realize it.
This past weekend Johnson and I saw Maria Full of Grace and even though the movie brought so many topics into my mind like life, love related, single-motherhood, drug trafficking, immigration, coming to a country to have a baby for more opportunities, but the fact was that one thing kept coming into mind....
There so many people that live in other countries and don't have the luxury to even the simple things we are so use to having nowadays like phones, toilets in the building, clothes, shoes, food, and even though we don't have jobs I'm sure you have more money not having a job then some people in some countries who do have jobs and make nothing per week and yet that covers what the family needs for supplies and food.

A couple weeks ago I was listening to the radio and they were bringing water awareness of sanitation around the world and how many people die around the world because they don't have proper restrooms and sanitation. I think that is one of the things we may take for granted. It actual made me remember when I was young, like 8 years ago I went to Mexico and there was no restrooms. Well actually there might be a few here and there but you had to be of money to have some. I stayed with my grandma's they didn't have any. That's the real squatting and it's no fun.

As bad as some house are built here there are still regulations and they're all good for living conditions. How many people in other places do not even have good living conditions. You have many people sharing the one room and other's sleeping in the kitchen dirt floor.

Those are a couple of things that I started thinking about and I know that some family is still affected by so it's not fake it's realistic.

Kids these days take schools for granted. How many kids in other countries still wishes they were able to have the education they want. I know my mom didn't have the opportunity to go to school. Hey, but she is not dumb or stupid.
We take for granted the fresh air, we throw away food just because we don't want it anymore. And I bet you there would be a poor kid in some other country just wishing he found that to feed himself and who knows if another sibling.




What have you taken for granted this year? What are you Thankful for?

Count your blessings and be thankful for everything you have!!!!

I'm sure you have worked hard for it but there are many people around the world who just don't have the same luck. They just happened to have been born there or just happen to not be as lucky as you.
Aren't we lucky we were born here? I'm sure that if we weren't we would have wanted to....
Others in other countries do say that We ARE the COUNTRY of opportunities!! Even though the hard times, why do you think they think that? And how bad must they be in to think that?!?!

 Be grateful you have the ability to shower everyday. You have electricity and gas... running water...what else?
And you know what? The sad thing is that it's not only about other countries either. We have that here in the US? How about  you spread the love and help someone in need out. Times are hard for all but a little something of food here and there goes a long way. And it will make you feel better to give. Giving is the best act of love there. Love thy neighbor!

What are your thoughts on divorce? Are you or your parents divorced? How has it affected you?

Divorce has always had it's negative connotations when it comes to keeping a family together. And I use to think that divorce is the worse thing in the world. As I have come to mature with age which is not vbery much since I am only 27, a single mother and unwed, I don't see divorce as such a bad thing. Hold on first let me explain something first. I suppose as a person, if I had to divorce seeing how I have never been married it would feel as a small failure but seeing a bystander view of others sometimes it's important for that ability to be available.

I am catholic so we know the religious point of view doesn't agree but at the same time there is even a loophole though the church as well. 

during the past 5 years or so my parents have been going through a rough patch in their lives. You may call it their id-life crisis or my dad's way to try and be a little childish since he never had a childhood then again neither did my mother. They always had to work and earn their way since they were young. My mother wasn't allowed to go to school because my grandpa thought it was useless and my dad had a 6th grade schooling because he needed to work and make money. They grew up in Mexico. Not many resources.  They met, they got together, they had me and were married a year after my birth or so. They didn't know much about each other. 

Now as older they were having many arguments, no communication, and they just couldn't stand being in the same room. It hurt seeing the awkward silence or seeing how ever small word lead to an argument, even a compliment. 

At the point where my dad kept saying he wanted to leave not to anyone ... just me... or I think just me because my mom didn't seem to know. 

My mom just complained about everything about him and for a long time she said she loved him but she was fed up and preferred trying to earn her own way without him. And this was all to me. None of my siblings have patience to hear their nonsense, but I figured that since sometimes I was going crazy with the thought running through my head what's listening to more craziness.

I was finally okay with the idea that divorce was okay because i thought that maybe they're learn more about each other and stop taking each other for granted. I'm sure they can live without each other but at the same time I don't think they can. They even when they disprove some how still take care of each other when they're sick, feeling bad and what not. I don't think anyone would come in and do that for them unless it was us their kids and I don't see my siblings doing it is.  One lives with her bf an hour away, another is married and well he's a marine so he's not around, the other is my other bro but he's about to leave for the marines also. I'm left and have been more constant with them since I'm a single mother and can't afford much but I'm still hopeful that I will have a life of my own with just my son and maybe a lucky person. We're all starting our lives but I suppose circumstances will arise when they do. 

I do live by the thought that if I ever get married I know enough of this person to withstand whatever it is and be able to wok it out so the "divorce" question will never be an option. I like to think that it can happen like it has in the past and work with each other. But, I suppose that that is some challenges that I will encounter when and if I ever do get married. 

There are a few people who I think should be divorced and it's mainly because abuse. irreconcilable differences is a stupid way to opt-out.  But, I do think that some people marry wrong and that was a chose they made and if they have kids the kids suffer for it. People should be aware of the commitment that comes with marriage and the meaning of forming a life together. Whether a man and a woman, a woman and a woman or a man and a man. A partnership is all the same and it will always affect those near them not just them. 

I know I was all over the place but this is how I feel. And I just feel like writing since I've been keeping much in since I haven't been able to write much. *sigh* 

   I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

no one should matter but yourself

When I was young I use to wonder what was wrong with me. I was never the looker and in my opinion I'm still not. or worse I'm less than a looker than I was back in the day. I had my own personal issues I kept to myself and sure like many girls I longed for a special someone.

Like many idiots, we would look at the cute looking guy who was into sports and would never give the time of the day to someone who wasn't popular. I crushed on friends who were nerdy and many girls didn't notice them until suddenly brainy was sexy.

After high school I found out many artsy and sporty people did find me attractive in HS... but of course they never did anything about it.

Anything they were years too late... perspective of men had slowly been molding with interaction of them during the years.







it's what life of many  people is about.

If you don't look the part they'll get you out of their heart(even if there ever was something existing). I believe half of the people conveniently don't have hearts unless it's in their interest. Maybe I'm being presumptuous, maybe not. Truth is truth. Can you tell me the best interest of more men is seeing eye-candy than any other interest in comparison to us Ugly girls who rather have a smart, witty guy.

it's shallow and their right, I suppose.

It actually angers me, pisses me off or what ever you may call it when I hear a guy whine about a chick or girl (or whatever the F*** she is to you or you call her) who wont give him the time of day. See, he may think he's the cream of the crop but just like he is shallow and looking at appearance and how her body looks.... you sir just might not be all she wants. And your whiny-ness makes it worse.

Personality is very important. or maybe how you act or how we see you treat women. I realize we can't tell this the moment we meet you but there are always signs. I'm not the best person with signs but his actions and body language is definitely a defining point.
I had a teacher in high school give us girls as sophomore hs students advice. He said, look at how he treats his sisters and mother and you will know how he will treat you in the long run. I thought it was strange but the more I see men the more I notice their behavior and think of that wise teacher.
There are many nice guys and nice girls who get ruined by the opposite sex and their shallowness. Those who do the damage, do the rejecting end up subconsciously forcing others to change. You wonder why all the good people are gone? Yes/ no/ maybe so? You're probably responsible for converting a nice guy/girl into the thing that you're going to wish you had in the future. But, sadly there are ocassions where some people learn to be that way by the examples of their promiscuous older brothers and fathers/ sisters or mothers. The damage can be done so early in age that the child is naturally prejudice. His perspective damaged even before he had a choice.

Kids learn to act based on how their role models act and sometimes that worries me. People don't choose old fashion role models anymore. The role models come from the media. The media embedding into their little minds how men should  dress, what kind of girls they should be picking, what they should change from their bodies, that surgery is acceptable. That they're born wrong. That they're aren't beautiful.

Basically that everything you have is ugly. It's sad what this world has come to but there are no nice people out there anymore. Everybody competing for everything. Now you see beautiful women with ugly minds and hearts.
All it brings is low self esteem to be able to be manipulable by the whole world and well old men who think they know it all, like the government. They feel we should let them regulate everything and we would be ok.
We should accept that it's okay if we don't get married. It's ok to be safe and have sex. It's ok to have a child and not be shunned by the world and if they do well let them fuck themselves, you don't need them. Life goes on. It's better to be happy than live a miserable life with people who will only bring you down.
Everybody is beautiful the way they are. Stop picking those "bad boys" who call you names and excite you for the moment, it can only get worse from that. Be happy, and share that happiness with those who deserve the best from you not those that treat you like crap and deserve nothing. You should be with a person you deserves you and you deserve him/her.

The America I use to know

I'm not too political when it comes to it all. I am into Voting and knowing facts and making sure what we're getting into is something important as well. I take into view how articulate the people are and how they try to speak to the people. I really don't like liars or when people get caught in lies because they're discredited, depending of the context.

I was speaking to this man who was apparently very conservative and he directed me to the movie Obama's 2016 but unfortunately I still haven't watched it but I am curious. Now it was obviously we disagreed politically and no matter what we said it was a disagreement which was why he directed me to the movie. He said "every person who votes for Obama is wrong".... wait what? Who died and made him in charge of what's right from wrong? But he was basing it on nonsense, his spiels were incoherent. He also stated that because Obama took "God" away from the US the whole country was going to be converted Muslim. Yea, that will be a piece of cake in 4 years after seeing how difficult it was for reforms and more positive changes.

His argument was Obama is for "change." And the America that "you [I] know will be gone" - his words.

I don't know about you but I started thinking about the word "change" and to me it was a positive feel. I want change I need Something more.

The America I remember is full of fear, despair, living under false pretenses. But you know what? That's not the America I want to know. There are parts of history that are embedded into our hearts and minds and daily lives but it's not how we're defined as people. I want my peace of mind. I want work, I want my rights, I want to be able to be pro-life because I choose to be (and not like China where you can have 2 kids only) I don't want women to feel victimized or their freedom taken away. I don't believe in abortion but you can't force in come cases to be condoned. It's idiotic. It's your right to have a choice and that's your voice and how it should be. No government should have that much control over us.  I want for people to stop being selfish and start thinking of the country's future which is the kids. Stop taking funding from the schools. We need smarter kids not stupider who only join the military because there's nothing else out there. We need to give hope to kids. We need to let them dream again. We need to tell them they could be anything they want if they keep reading and if parents read to their kids everyday, and they learn math and language skills and how to be courteous with others. If kids join the military it's because that is their calling and they chose their path and they have their plans. Not everybody can be one thing because we need people to go to college and become Doctors and nurses and computer science techs and parents, and teachers and etc...

People have gotten so much into its a "me world" they're selfishly looking out for number 1 and let the world fuck itself over. This mentality needs to change. Parents need to give credibility to the teachers or have an open mind instead of I'm ready to attack for any stupid thing. If you know how your kids are why blame the teacher, she/he is only doing the best interest of the child. But for the same reason no person/teacher has the right to tear away a dream or tell someone they can't do something. That's where the life of a kid goes wrong.

We as people need to nurture the future and help mold them into great citizens. Citizens that will vote for what they believe. Its our responsibility to make this possible. A president as much as he has power he can't do all the changes without the cries and pleas of the people. We need to make sure we're doing our part.

This is how I will not get the America I use to know but the America I want for my kid. Civic duties are important and stop complaining you have jury duty.. do you prefer one person choose your fate or a group of your peers as the law states?

I can't believe it's been a year already...

A year ago this lonely girl found herself disappointed with life. The work day didn't go well. A dinner with friends and a meet-up with a friend all back fired. I found myself feeling like the biggest disappointment in the world. Maybe we all have those days or we don't I don't really know but I felt like no one in the world wanted me.

A quick xanga chat changed that up for me really quickly. And you know what I'm happy and blessed it did. I was scared and untrusting... it's my nature. I told myself what the heck, sure why not...

And I met him ...


@cucumber_melonhead ... Can't believe we met a year ago, today!
I met the love of my life, on an evening 11-02-11

I wasn’t sure was could happen if anything. I just knew he kind of liked me. I guess I picked up on his hints. I guess you just never know where you’re going to meet a person that will impact you. And if I have it correctly he’s impacted me more than anyone has in my whole life already.  Well almost haha with the exception of my son… he was definitely a huge impact. Anyways, I was mainly prepared for friendship. God knows how many fail attempts at trying to create relationships and instead finding wrong people who didn’t have good intentions. I’ve had many unhappy moments and my biggest fear is/was hurting people like many have hurt me. It wouldn’t be fair.
I’m usually quiet and sort of shy or was… he said I spoke a lot… maybe I was nervous and couldn’t bare the awkward moments so for once in my life I tried to avoid them. In my mind I was secretly wondering what he was thinking or what he thought of me. Oh well thoughts are always racing all the time.  The mall closed early or it felt like so and I didn’t want to leave. Time was just flying too quickly. I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie with me.  

After that we saw each other every week and texted everyday. And you know what. I don't think that has stopped yet. There have been some instances but it's life and we can't control the whole world but do our best to cope with what we have. To this moment, I never knew I could be this happy. I owe all to him and who he is.
He has gained my trust like no one in the world. He knows everything about me and for once in my life, I'm not scared about that. I guess it feels nice not having to always keep everything until I blow. Besides he knows not to hurts me haha I have 2 bros one is a Marine and the other is about to be. haha jk hun! I can win for myself. ;)
Anyways, this is how we started and how we met. He's earn every way into my heart and the heart of my family. Johnson is a wonderful person and man. I can truly say I've never met anyone like him and hope I will never have to search for someone like him. He's a needle in a haystack and I was fortunate to have met him after well into 26 years of my life... made my whole 27th year a special year. He became my best friend, the man I would love to someday spend the rest of my life with, and for my son to continue learning as much as he has with the love and support of a man. They love each other and that itself always brings happiness, tears of joy and well anything merry you can't think of.
My son is a tough cookie and he fell. Shows us he's a good person. No one ever even had a chance with my boy except for Johnson!

family and then Halloween

What can I say? I guess it's hard when you feel life is great. Don't get me wrong there are ups and downs but that's the amazing part. Even the downs don't seem to bad when you know that you're healthy, your kid is happy, healthy and does his homework and we don't have a complaint in the world.

Sunday my mom hired this photographer they're the ones who make the glamour shots but she and my grandmothers were the only ones who got their make up done. Well I know what I don't like on my face but that wasn't the reason for the pictures. My brother happened to have finished his training in Florida and is about to head to a Marine Base in North Carolina. His wife is about to have their second baby and my other brother his twin is about to leave for boot camp in a month. Realistically speaking the family will be hardier and harder to put together. Not to mention my grandmothers are older now. Dad's mom is 81 and my mom's mom is 79. They look good but life is weird sometimes. We didn't want to risk anything and this was our first family picture in a decade well with us kids and our parents. I'm glad my mom made it possible.

This week was also Halloween. My sis took my son to pick out a costume. He was a ninja. I took my son and my nephew. My sister in law ended up going too, I was hoping she'd rest since she's very close to having her other baby but we all had fun. We took the kids around.
Houses are getting farther and farther away in giving candy. So we didn't take them to fill their bags but to enjoy some nice old fashion trick-o- treatin. Even if parts of our church calls is the devils birthday or people get couped up with weird shit. I took them out with my supervision. And had fun. Came home and slept. Those are happy moments.

hello.. new phone

Why do you care if I have a new phone? Well you should because it means I can be on xanga here and there and maybe post and maybe read posts now. :) Well you can thank my amazing boyfriend @cucumber_melonhead who has made this possible. I had been struggling with my last phone for quite some time. He is so selfless. If you haven't met him go on over to his page and say hello. He's always so sweet, thoughtful, loving, easy to talk to.

On Saturday we tried staying up to watch the supposed meteor shower. I took a small blanket out and he his jacket. We had taken showers and put my son to sleep because it was passed midnight. We went outside and I was so cold, he gave me his jacket while I insisted he kept it because I don't want him sick. His insisting won lol and he still held me to stop the shivering. We were seeing nothing in the sky :( so we went inside his car to wait... we saw some shooting stars (yes, I know what you're thinking but I've also seen a meteor shower and those were not it) In the wait we had a nice deep conversation. I love talking to him. I've never been able to trust anyone like I've been able to trust him and I do with my life. He knows everything about me and he doesn't judge me for anything. He is the closest friend bff lol boyfriend forever... haha is that what it means? Jk but he is my best friend and I love him for being who he is and that we have the most amazing trust. I love this man with all my heart! <3 I think he's my soul mate.. or psychic lol Nothing in life could be as perfect as it is now and in our relationship. My son calls his parents... more often a "dad" escapes... they love each other! It's endearing!

Ok I'm done for now. Thank him for giving me access to internet! Hahaha

I've been wanting to come and write and I even had topics... but goodness my memory lacks the stimulation and I have completely forgotten, granted it was a few days ago. Oh well..
Hope all is well in xangaland... Yes sometimes I need to vent and sometimes I'm still going crazy and now the one who puts up with me is so sweet and gentle. He even holds me when I have nightmares at night and wipes my tears. I could never have asked for such a sweet person in the world.
It's so weird though. I don't understand how I'm' having all these nightmares suddenly in the last few months. I don't ever remember having such impacting nightmares where I wake-up scares, crying, hyperventilating... And sadly they're still engraved in my mind. It's actually have made me more paranoid about my son, my bf and families well-being.

I just pray that they were just nightmares.

I wasn't even on planning on going online but my mom needed an order placed so she send me to starbucks. It's nice and relaxing me time. I needed this. I went to buy a scratcher because I even had a dream about that and luckily I won $20 =D Sometimes nights just get better than days... *sigh* ... I was just a little stressed today with a bill I have to pay. it happens that something went wrong and they had made a mistake so i had to fix it and it was 93.14 and a little unexpected but at least it's up to date and the landlord can stop his whining. I wish my parents can get out of here but when we start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel it ends up just being the reflection of incoming traffic. *sigh* one day... and then I try and finally treat myself for something and sometimes I end up feeling bad... God, I'm praying for a job. I guess we all wish they'd land in our laps but that never hardly ever happens.
oh well, hope you all have a wonderful day or night where ever you are. I'm sorry I haven't stopped by. I need internet to take the time to read and when I come to use the internet I'm usually in a hurry.

Good night all...

Something on my mind.

I was just thinking earlier about how in my life I always seemed to have more dominant people who love to voice their opinion. And while I was always there they always thought that by the way I thought I automatically had something wrong. I know I’ve always been considered a little different but I don’t quite understand why to this day. I accept it because I can’t be any different than how I am and I know I can’t change  or be normal.  I mean that’s all based on societal norms so who is to really say that what anybody says it actually accurate? So I’m a little vain sometimes…But who isn't? If we don't love ourselves as ugly as we are who will? Honestly no one will... people are cruel.  But I also know I’m not the prettiest girl or the thinnest because I’ve never been.  I don’t care about tips on this thank you. I don’t need help. The issue that always use to matter was not what people ever thought about me because I know you all always have opinions and frankly I could careless about them… If I cared about your opinion I would rather give you a knife and just have you tear out my heart while alive because that’s how it always felt. People tearing my heart out and leaving me with a gaping hole. People don’t try and help people unless it’s for their own benefit in one way or another.  I learned to think different than the norms because sometimes you can’t quite survive with just living a typical life, happy parents, great siblings, money, all the essentials to be ok… Not everyone is fortunate. And in a way I guess that’s what makes people unique, the background and how strong you are and what your world and life has gained from so much perspective. I’d say I’m very fortunate. I’ve gain a lot of insight on many things in life. But, in no way is that a unfortunate, hardships perhaps but who doesn't learn true happiness from nothingness. I am not victim and anything that happens in life, we either learn to live with it or die in our sorrow. Many people are death in living. I know I've been there. It took me a long time to figure it out. I know for some it’s a lot easier to comprehend and possibly having a spectator outlook just gives you more insight because when you’re going through something that you, yourself, find difficult you just feel so  alone in the world and feel that hardly anyone even understands you. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry and that’s when you find out how great of a friend you are because many times you will just find yourself alone in a dark room wishing you were dead instead. 

In no way or form do I want you to think or feel that I am sad or depressed , 2013 d. I am not. I'm just thinking in writing. I read a book. Yay! I am very happy, it had been a long long time... It's happens to be one of my favorite persons in the world @Cucumber_melonhead and the book was The Perks of Being a Wallflower ... At first I didn't know what I was going to think but then again you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. I'm not really going to give a summery of the book but the book keeps you engaged with that's going on through the eyes of main Character Charlie... He has had a lot of problems in his life and in many way those who have gone through hardships in their teens can definitely relate and fall into everything he is talking about, his loneliness, Friends, perhaps the peer pressures, the loss of friends and family...
After I read the book. I felt like the whole story was going through my head. And I felt a bit sad but not sad as in depressed but more like a nostalgic feel in which I look back into how much my life has changed and everything that I've grown with all the things that have happened in my life. It's these types of circumstances that make us who we are and we will always have paths to choose from. We can choose the good or the bad and they will both take us in different directions. At the moment it may not feel like there is choice and we make wrong decisions but looking but you notice how different things could have been but at the same time. You are who you are for a reason.

Update:

Well what can I say. I still do not have internet at home and I hardly go out to get any so it makes it hard to update this as much as I would want. So many great ideas to write and out the window they go many times. *sigh*

Still no job but slowly working on it. So I'm working on trying to get  my lesson's going. I go an give sectionals every other week and the off week I teach lessons so for those I do get paid. It's a sacrifice at times but it's worth it. I got one day with a few students and if all goes well I might add another day to get a few more students and expand their mind. My goal that I promised when I joined my Sorority in College "To bring music into the world" is slowly happening by the students I teach. God has been good. Good things come to those who wait and I'm truly happy. I feel relaxed while slowly applying for what ever I can online. It's hard though because on my limit and how much I can get done in the little time. But slow and steady wins the race and I guess I'm the turtle but that's the good part. I will eventually get there and I will be more happy.
I have the most supportive boyfriend in the world and I'm blessed. I know times are tough for all but he always manages to come and see me and keep me looking forward rather than falling back and not wanting to get up. And God knows he's heard me really down. I was depressed a few nights here and there... and I hate myself because of it, not because I hate myself but because I bring everybody down. I just want some of those thoughts to go away and stop haunting me here and there. I am happy and I don't want those to be obstacles.
My son is great he's going to school and I make sure he does all his homework. We joined this reading club that starts in the first week of October. And life is great. Breathing and taking one day at a time makes everything wonderful.
Just pray for me, send good vibes, or just think positive thoughts or *cross your fingers* for me. I slowly want to start saving money. I know it's positive even with nothing, something is always something...
I've started a payment plan to pay off a credit card debt from so many years... Even with a lil money I get it's hard not to say I can try so I am trying. I want to make everything better. I know  if anyone was in my shoes they'd know the kind of pressure I'm in but I'm relax despite the fact. I want work so they can garnish my wages and I can pay off my school loans... those are my biggest nightmares besides the ones where I'vve recently been having in which I die a terrible death and the sadness of leaving all those I love.
Anyways, that was gloomy... yeah. Life is great. Life is great. =D
Well that's it for now. I will beback eventually I promise!

and we continue moving on

Sometimes I feel a little bad that I, so easily, am able to move on especially after expressing my feelings and having some intimate moments with these guys,mainly one and the other just left me hanging without warning... so with that it was the last straw. But, like many friends have told me not dwell and move on from the situations. I sure was feeling a little anxiety a few days ago but it's I guess learning experience to cope with different situations. And in the past when I told another friend I had feelings it took quite a while for us to get over it and the friendship to be normal but it came back to the same...and we had a couple interesting experiences... Anyways... it took a while to get over that. But, I guess I am learning how to deal with things in a sense better. And I can't deny that it helps that so far there has been someone there ... lol...

I guess I am an adult now and I need to learn to get over things... it's not going to do me any good holding on things that don't exist... it just complicates things.. I am slowly starting to realize how guys are... it's natural... this is the type of stuff I should have been figuring out during the time I was pregnant but life always has it's plans... i guess this was the time... I guess it's good that I am a little more mature and smarter... and well I am starting to enjoy the attention... and flirting is so fun!! I've never had so much fun just talking to people... it's exciting a thrill and it keeps a smile on my face... and other times I am just angry and frustrated... but they have helped me find some type of a temporary out... so much that I am always texting and and smiling or laughing that my mom and aunt are wondering  why I am always so happy when I am texting... Obviously, sometimes I feel like I am a part pathological liar bc I automatically lie  . Sometimes they all ask me the simplest questions in which I don't have to lie and there is comes out before I had time to think... oops... oh well... it's not like I am going to say... oh just kidding this is the truth... I would bury my self deep...

Anyways, so this guy so far is a bit different than all the other ones... I don't quite know what it is yet. But, so far we have an easy way of reading in a sense. Although, he does have a small record for a mistake which he told me about... but I don't care... shit happens... And sometimes you just deal with what ever punishment they give you... But, strangely even though he told me that I didn't get a red flag flashing... I usually try and make up something in my mind or convince my self of a scenario so I just forget about it all... And I don't consider them jerks... I still let  them talk to me I don't care but everything has changed in my mind and they have been blocked out... so I guess like we should all do ... is get to know the person better. It's kind of cute though when he talks to me on the phone... he gets a little nervous and well I do too... i've gotten so attached to texting... lol... but like he said somethings are better said than  texted... and I agree! It was funny bc like 2 days ago after we have been talking for a good long days he asks me what my sign is... and I laugh and asked him is he was really going to go there... and he said yes bc he has a suspicion ... So I had him do a lil math to make him figure it out... my b-day is 7 days before than his but he is a year minus 7 days from his... lol. And he said he figured...He said we were too similar to be any different... Except he's an extrovert and I'm an introvert... lol! I'll stop there... if I keep writing good things about him... I'll bring my hopes up and like in the past it goes no where... I'll see what unfolds... And I guess I can write of what happens... idk what else can I do... I ask God and he send people my way to help with the way I am... I asked him if he was religious... he said no but he believed in God which is more than I can for some people. So he asked about me and well of course I told him I was a semi practicing Roman Catholic bc I don't take communion... And he said that he had been baptized and has done his communion... lol...I don't know but that to me it gives me hope but I am not saying I am taking him... lol it all depends in what ever happens. So yea... I don't push religion but I expect those respect it... My religious views and political views make me who I am and fit my personality perfect with a few exceptions... obviously.  I don't expect people to change for me and I don't expect to change for people... that's as easy and simple as I am going to make it. We'll learn how we deal if we can handle each other... To him, I haven't had to lie ... to sometimes thinks some things I correct him... and he thinks I am a brat! Which is funny bc nobody has ever called me a brat... but he likes it... Yesterday he called me "his wild fire" it was funny... and idk I liked it... like we agreed we'll see...

Well the school started to many. Encouraging my son to go to school continues. I hope there are no struggles like last year but here we are on what today was the 2nd day of school and he didn't want to go to school because the teacher told him to work on his sentences on the first day of school. He really dislikes that he has to do work. *sigh* My mom was really pushing for me to go to Phoenix, Az But I truly know that last year I made an effort to go to Washington DC but this year I think I need to be here with my son. Well if it was only on the weekend then I'd  go but she leaves wednesday and I have a feeling he will start doing homework. Those are never fun. With all this small things happening the school year has started for the high school as well so here I go trying to sell myself so I can have more students. My dream goal would be to teach lessons in the whole city but I suppose it cost money to make money and it's not the other way around. *sad face* ... For now I had to look up a place to take the TB test because otherwise I wont be eligible to be an employee of the District. SO many requirements that cost ... *sigh* thankfully the district had a list of where I can go for more economical and there is one in the high desert where I live. I set up an appointment. The earliest is in 2 weeks but that will work. I hope meanwhile everything remains ok with the district.
Just thoughts right now... See everything we do always require money. I'm thinking I'm going to look into the apple valley unified school district. I hope there are opening in anything even if it's just part time. I'm sure bilingual anything in a city that has quite a bit of Hispanics and no one that speaks Spanish. I've seen how they translate some of their papers in the school. Horrible!!! But, *cross your fingers*
I mean it does worry me the impact that it will have on my son but I guess I will have to multitask and he will have to get use to the fact that I just can't be there. There are so many things that need to be paid but and I know I should start helping out more. My parents were discussing moving to Minnesota but decided to stay for the time being and find a home around the area. I guess they feel they want me to some day get married (if I ever do) and then they'll be free of me and they'll be able to do whatever. I guess they feel that if they left now, they'd be leaving me alone. Maybe they just see me like a child. I don't know but it's their choice.
So that's that. On my mind is trying to figure out what I have to do. I guess if they did leave the trying to work issue would be more complicated because who would watch Danny until he gets out. Sometimes I kill myself with stress but try not to think about it. If that happened I'm sure I wouldn't know what to do until the solution presented itself. So much thinking to be done. I think the thing that overwhelmed the most right now thinking about getting a job is that I think Danny will think I'm not looking out for him and not talk. He already doesn't say much about school. Yesterday it seemed like he had a good first day but this morning he wasn't happy about yesterday anymore. I don't get it. It stresses me out every morning but for the first time I set up a  sleeping curfew for him and I'm waking him up at 7:30 so I can handle all discussions or chasing him to go to school. It's easy right now because it's the first week of school.
Once  homework starts it's going to be time management like last year. I had to designate homework time with my couple days I would work and even then it was tough. No one else at home knows how or has the patience to help... I try to be positive and I'm sure I can do it. But, he's the one who will need the most adapting. I guess no matter what, I'm the one who puts up with him the most and no not many people have that much patience and trust me I don't have the best of patience but I try some, it's my and only my responsibility. I can't really depends on others ton do what I have to, you know?
I've been so emotional in the last couple of weeks. So much, anything makes me cry. I dropped my son off at school and I teared up. Any little thing makes me cry. Teasing... I don't know how to explain it. I think I've maybe cried like every other day. Take how emotional we can get. I try and not show it or wait it off because even if I can clear my yes, my red nose sure gives it away. I know I'm not crying because my feelings are hurt or because of anything specific but it sure triggers and makes me  feel like it is. I need to cry it out or just figure it out. It makes me feel weak and stupid and vulnerable. I definitely hate those. I am not meant to cry over any stupid thing. But, right now being selfish, indifference by others just hurts my feelings. Many things I understand but my emotions don't and I have no control at the moment. It's stupid I know. And I know this is long but I needed to get this out of me.
Ok, so that's enough writing of nothing for the day.

Meeting cool Xangans! @Nerdyveggiegirl @Sasgal oh & @GodlessLiberal

In the last few weeks I've had the great pleasure to meet some wonder xangans. I didn't think that in my long time in xanga time I would actually start meeting new people in my life well with the lovely company of my boyfriend @Cucumber_melonhead
For the longest time I was not involved in the community because of my shyness or anti-socialness .... I've always been a little awkward and/or have a hard time with people. But, Slowly being in the internet and interacting with more people I started breaking out of my shell. I do admit, not a lot but enough to be ok with people.
The first Xanga I met was Johnson @Cucumber_melonhead  "I Met a xangan" and soon after we as a couple wemet @RighteousBruin, who was a wonderful person

And as time goes I think we're forming friendships and trust. 
We met @Nerdyveggiegirl on July 1st, 2012 and she is amazing. Very lovely, lively, and an awesome mom amongst other things . I know why krisko loves her so much. She was coming home with her daughter from Vegas and she knew I lived somewhere on the way home so she stopped by my house. We got to chit chat while the her daughter and my son played in the room. I learned kids will event stuff to play with with what they got... oh creative minds... and the fun part was while we talked Johnson made us a delicious dinner. More company made it that much better.

Myself, and *M*

The ladies with the awesome Chef!! =D 

My son and *M*'s daughter 

Johnson with 2 very beautiful ladies! 

So, We met @SasGal on July 11, 2012 ... She was traveling down and she was going to be in LA. She wanted to meet and we had a tight schedule because we were leaving to Minnesota on the 12th but we made it work. Unfortunately she came from LA all the way to my house in Apple Valley and I felt so bad because I'm sure it was like a 2 hour drive. My car started acting up that day and over heated and left me stranded for a bit close to home.
She came over and we got to talk and she played with out kitten and it was fun times. The 2nd amazing and fun xangan in the month of July! She stayed a small while but she was heading to San Diego which was quite a drive from where I lived to I understood when she needed to go. It was a true joy to finally meet her and I hope one day Johnson and I can go up to Washington to say hello to her and see the beautiful green up there.

My kitten Milky loved her! 

Myself, Sarah, and Johnson =D 

I didn't get the memo to be goofy... lol

On July 16, 2012 the last day before our adventure was ending in Minnesota Johnson had promised Danny has we would return to Mall of America to go on a few rides on Nickelodeon Universe and we thought it would be the prefect place to Meet Krisko @GodlessLiberal...  Finally got to meet him the 3rd xangan of the month of July!  He was one of the friends I met here on xanga that I have had kept more in touch with even though sadly it wasn't much but it was still more than most. When we started talking we became pretty good friends, I had never had someone help me out so much with the mind of gentlemen as he did. He became a good friend and like a brother type. Not many people have that ability. We hung out for a bit and went on a few rides, talked some while johnson and my son went on a couple of rides and then on a mission for a shirt for my bro. Fun times, indeed. Wish we didn't live so darn far but I enjoyed the time we all had. It was about time.

We see krisko for the first time...whoa! =D

Krisko, and Us! yeah buddy... lol 

The Boy trying to be cool... yea try a lil harder... I mean 

look at these cool guys! ;P

We decided to go on the log chute. My son dictated who was assign with who. 

The perfect pic of the 4 of us, the boys in line! 

=D 

My son and I ... woo hoo!!! 

Krisko and Johnson Weeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

Getting off was the sad part... Ahh man! =( 

That was part of our day. We also got on another ride, a roller coaster. It was fun! We all screamed... haha as it should happen.

So these are some of our times meeting more of you wonderful xangans... I hope we slowly get to meet more of you! *muah* kiss to you all... well in the cheek because I reserve my lips to my one and only! =D

a-ok

All in all what is there to complain about? Life is good... life is great actually. Sometimes in the mists of all the happiness there is still something within making you feel a little sad. I do not what it is. It has nothing to do with people. My son and I are way better than ever. We're able to communicate a lot more than we ever were. He is starting to understand and listen.
Everybody is taken. My bro O that kept just dating, sexing, or talking to girls finally found a girl who he for the first time in his life brings around.
So for about 9 days my bro R was home after bootcamp and there were 3 couple.... the only ones missing were my sis and her bf. It was nice but very tiring. So many people in the house and I'm still getting use my sister-in-law and nephew living with us. I've never been much of a people person. Sometimes being around people overwhelms me way too much. I haven't felt like I live my in my house unless I'm in my room and of of late I'm spending less and less time in my room so you can imagine, I feel sometimes a bit weird in my own home.
Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. I'm happy. I'm excited about life. It's just that in my little  down times that I start thinking a little. And I hate thought of thinking. I know how horrible that sounds. Babe, I'm ok, so don't worry.
Oh yea, we got this little kitten. He's white and we're calling him "Milky" he's about 4 weeks and he's so cute and adorable! He wakes me up very early because he's hungry and then goes right back to sleep after eating.
I've been wanting to sleep more and more... lately. Sometimes it feels as if I don't sleep enough and I'm starting to sleep later in the day and it makes me sad I wake up to tired in the mornings. Like I even want to take a nap and start falling asleep and then I feel very very guilty, like I shouldn't or it's not right. I sometimes don't want to do anything. I know I shouldn't be like that. I should be motivated, up and runnin' (perhaps literally) but *sigh* it aint true... the more and more I think ... I think we're going to start taking walks because I'm hating it. Yes, it. I'm seeing myself and the less and less I'm happy with me. Everything else is perfect. But, I see myself and it's not worthy of all  this happiness I have.
oh so excited about going to MN in 2 weeks. My cousin is getting married, it's about time I'd say but it's not like she's that older than I am, only a year and a half. I guess we all take time to find a person. I suppose marriage should be something that you thoroughly think about.

Boot wedding...

My little bro joined the USMC and it's nice. We're all proud of him, he wants to do something with mechanic in aviation. He always wanted to fix something. I guess they would give him more opportunity than any there are out there. He just went back to San Diego today after his 9 day leave after boot camp. It was a nice graduation.

My son looked up to him so much, he said he wanted to become a Marine as well. I guess we'll see what the future really holds. I am not one to stop him from seeing the benefits of life. I mean his biological father went into the Marines as well a few years back and his grandfather was also in the Marines. Life is life and where the winds takes him I will support him wholeheartedly. 

We went to family day on the 14th of June of 3 months. It was nice to him but so hard to recognize him.  The place was very beautiful and peaceful,  relaxing and a bit overwhelming all at once. Not overwhelming because it truly was but because the exhaustion you felt from their energy and yet the relief to finally be able to see familiar faces.

Then there was his actual graduation day which was the next day, June 15th, which happened to be his 20th birthday! =D
 

Their marching ceremony. 

He was happy to see his gf

My parents and my son super uber happy!! 

 

My sis took time off work and here she is giving out lil bro a huge hug! =D

My lil bros turned 20 this day 06-15-12 <3

That saturday we had a welcome home get together with friends and family. I guess they say I got a little too happy (tipsy) that was fun...  I say I'm a happy person already.

Monday we were going to get ready to clean after a couple days of having people over and well my bro R surprises us that he and his gf are getting married. We get ready fast and follow them to the hall of records ... they get hitched...

Man and wife on 06-18-12

Last monday the 25th this lady from the prayer group we go to on fridays came and did a nice prayer for his leaving today. It made me tear up specially when my dad made a prayer and his voiced cracked a bit. Never in my life had I heard my dad's voice crack and shed a tear. But it was truly endearing. Right now my bro is back in San Diego, his wife took him, and he has more training and in a couple of months he's going to be heading out to Florida which is where he'll get his MOS training. I guess his field is a 5 year contract.
Oh and we also found out thursday that he's having another boy. I'm sure my dad was very happy to hear that. But, my dad wasn't happy about how they eloped. oh well.

Many things happening.

Is music ever worth it?

There's always a lot to say and never enough time. It seems as though this upcoming school year will bring me more students more than ever before and I'm grateful but it's still not enough to cut it. I know it's hard when every job you've applied to in the High Desert isn't hiring and those who are, don't. Agencies suck, Job fair seemed promising and it wasn't. Well who knows... I guess some things just take time. It's about patience. But, who really has patience when sometimes even minimum seems glorious but then again I can try and spend more money I don't have and get more opportunities in different fields as well.
I wanted to stay closer to home to avoid using all that gas. My car is already showing wearing from the driving I already do. There's not much up here. I suppose I can look down the mountain but the question remains: Where would I stay? Would I commute? How much would I end up in the month if I drove to and from an hour plus each way? So many questions...
@Cucumber_melonhead and I have briefly talked about it and setting goals but it hasn't been defined. I've been hooked up in the past with applications where there are openings (for the long commute) and unfortunately even those fall through. I am so much more optimistic than I was before but I suppose it's also the lack of inspiration. It's not there and I don't know how to get it like I once had illusions in high school. It seems as when you grow up you lose that spark and getting it back isn't the same. I guess what I've been waiting for is that spark but I also know that if I don't try I will never get it. I still feel helpless at times...or hopeless. I know there is so much that can be done but I don't know where to start. Everything will always cost money and the issue is getting something better. Maybe if I can adjust my teaching business and let that boom but our field is full of failure. Not failure at teaching and reaching out but because we're always put last when it comes to different subjects and/or sports. Music isn't encouraged much. I know first hand... sort of... My dad was supportive and encouraged it and my mother hated it and thought it was a waste of time... Can you imagine when I told my mom  I was going to major in Music... Yea, she threw a fit. I didn't hear the end of it... For the longest time she felt more pride in saying that I dropped out of my Psychology major when I had my son that saying that I got a music degree. Music for the most part never puts food on the table and that's why it's so hard to keep a passion that you know you'll continue that vicious cycle everyone sees. So much talent but people will always go for the route that gives you the money. It's the honest truth. I've stuck it through, with tears... I love it and hate it. I love teaching and love seeing students grown and I love what happens in the long run. I hate the almost no pay... and I really mean, it mainly pays for gas. Why do it then? I didn't major in music because it would give a huge payout but because I loved it. I didn't fight constantly with my mom because i was stubborn. Music is misunderstood. Music is love. Music is passion. Music is not for all. Music will starve you but will feed your soul. It won't feed your children though.
As you can see it's my dilemma. Honestly, I don't think I ever want to give up giving a little back in the music field. I just enjoy it to much. Giving it up would probably kill me a little inside. It's what I have always loved. I've been made fun of, and  still am many times. What can I say I enjoy it a little more than some and it's easier to make some feel like it's a negative than a positive. God know why I got this small gift. I use it to share and give in return to multiply and show there is so much more out there in music. I know I don't touch many lives but those who have gotten a little something out it make me happy. I know I sometimes do tend to talk a bit much about music but I hold it in more now because sometimes I feel I don't have people to talk about it with. I can't even mention a song or much of the structure because it sound like gibberish to so many.
Well here's to life and I guess what can you do but continue forward and just expect for the best. I've learned there is no reason to feel all down and depressed over nothingness... It's not going to change anything. "There's no reason to cry over spilled milk" It's a part of life how you learn to deal with it. I hope I can get a supplementary job...
I hope it happens soon.

weekend

Not much time for blogging these times since I'm limited...

I guess, it's hard to write about many things when there is just those happy moment that impact your life so much and make you happy. I just have the best boyfriend in the world and I really am the luckiest girl alive. I don't even see how any guy can compare to him unless you look into those cliche romantic comedies. *sigh* I know what we have isn't perfect for everyone but it's just perfect for us.

And to think that if it wasn't for the internet or xanga we never would have met. We live far to far away and our paths don't cross otherwise. It was fate to meet him and she dealt a freakin check hand. I feel on the of the world in happiness. I'm happy I can tell him everything and he understands and there is no shame. We just have great communication. Sure, I have my moments but he's perfect with each other. He makes me feel like the prettiest girl and I guess as long as I am to him that's all that matter. I spend saturday and sunday with him sort of. Saturday he took me to a place to get an oil change on my car...very very good deal, $16... and then he performed which he wore a tux... very sexy. Then we had nothing to do so went back to his house and just had us time and relaxed and then ate. The next morning we went to a motivational speaker(sadly for him it was in spanish, but I took notes in english and left them for him to read, lol) with my parents... I liked it, felt bad for him though but we ate there. Then we went back to his house changed out of our business attire and watched "The Vow" together... awww... very sweet story. And then we went to eat Dinner with his dad, and brothers... they wanted me to try actual chinese food not the panda express kind or fast food kind... it was so good... and so fulfilling... yum!! I can eat that and be happy! Still need to get use to some of the tastes but it's delicious!
I had to go pick up my son because he was with his siblings at @snoog420 Ani but unfortunately on my way there I got a flat... but the most wonderful man @cucumber_melonhead with to my rescue and made things better. He let me borrow Ester and his has Marshmallow .... I got home at 3ish I think or fell asleep 3sh but overall it was a great weekend. =D Next weekend should be very fun as well!! yay!!

My Mother's day weekend

So this past weekend was Mother's Day... And I can honestly that my mom and I kind of celebrated it a little since Thursday May 10th... I don't know if any of you know but Mother's day in Mexico is Celebrated on the 10th and my mom born in Mx and well since I am Mexican also logically we celebrated.
I gave her a glass of Moscatto (that my boyfriend bought for me when we went wine tasting in Temecula, Ca  ) and of course i drank one too...
Friday we went to a prayer group which they spoke of children and how they affect as as parents and what they mean to us... of course how we should try and understand them because we were them at one point as well...
and my son gave me flowers as well... such a sweet little man...



On saturday I wanted to make tacos but it didn't happen but I did have a date with the boyfriend that evening even though he hasn't told me where we were going to meet or if he was going to come up but it was ok.... hehehe Good thing I was half ready when he called me that evening even though I was shopping and Danny wasnt' ready and it was late already...

So, I got home Danny was almost half ready my mom has woken him up and told him to get ready. We left at like 7 from AV and for to Edwards at 8ish... little did we know he was going to make us wait purposely...  My son was super impatient. He thought JC was inside waiting for us and I would call him and no answer. I called him a few time in 30 mins and a couple text and this was wasn't responding. Very unlike him. Now with Danny running around and "Mom... mom... mom" I was a time bomb ... I was a little upset.... It was a weird day and I had done so much cleaning I was a bit tired by then and wanted to relax and there was no where to sit and I didn't want to sit in the floor before getting the tickets.

I was waiting and thought ok we'll see the 8:30 showing .... SOLD OUT!!

ok, We'll see the 8:50 showing .... SOLD OUT!!  And that's when he finally called me and said he was in the wrong theater... And in my mind I was thinking like "WHAT!!"  his plan all along....
He gets there and stand in line 9:05 showing just SOLD OUT!!  We had to wait to the 9:40 of "The Avengers" It was a good movie. I enjoyed it.
We go in and he  gives me candy ... 5 of them...

He buys my son some food and we go in ...
After that he came clean on why he was late... lol He asked to remember the first time we met ... Which was also in Ontario. And I did he gave me 5 sugar Daddys ... and he asked me to remember after ... After the night was over and we were going to go our separate ways he gave me jewelry he won was Lisa @LKJslain and her contests...
He went to his car and came back ...
he had

So I asked him what it was ... he said I had to open it ... Facepalm ... DUH!!!
So I did ...


This cute little box... 
And I opened it...

Isn't this beautiful!!! I'm almost scared to wear it that I might lose it.


This my self, JC and my son ... we all loved the movie.


Don't we look so adorable!!! <3 =D  @cucumber_melonhead and I

So Sunday when I woke up my dad gave a rose

and my fam and I went to mass and then home and I made tacos... they were delicious but tiring...

As we were finishing up I asked my dad for a beer
 
And that just hit the spot. I had the best weekend ever and loved every second of it. There were tiring moments and everything but that's the way it should be.