it's so hard to believe a person can actually have the feeling ofsomething moving inside and it being normal. My baby moves so much now, it's like I wonder how he's going to be when he's born.But at least Icould sleep well at night b/c it seems like everybody thinks that thebaby is suppose to keep me up , but YAY, for me , 9 more weeks to go.

I was really happy last night because it had been more than a year thatmy parents had actually came down and watched one of my Wind Ensembleconcerts. I got spend a little bit of time with them in my room and the whole family got to see my own decorated room...hehe!

Although earlier that afternoon I had a Doctor's appointment and theywere not prepared at all.They were asking me when I was going to takesome tests or if I had taken any and those were the test they weresuppose to be talking to me about. I took them 2 weeks ago in my lastappointment , I was mad. I am not the one that has to inform the doctor, I mean they have my files ... you know , I thought it was very irresponsible.

Oh and after the concert I was happy because I went to dinner with allmy friends and it was very nice although I had all this work to bedone. I took my book and tried ! I love all you guys!!!!!  Oh yeah , Nicole came down to see out concert and it was great to seeher again, and she brought a friend that is also a flute player atCSSB, thanks for coming. And I also got to see one of my old sis's fromSAI , Laura, I was very excited to see her it had been a small while.It was a very nice night!!!!

This morning I was tired b/c I went to sleep at 1am doing homework andwoke up at 5am also doing homework. I finished like around 7:15, justin time to get ready for my 8 o'clock class. Life is good , I took anap right before recital rep although I still have my headache but Ithink I feel a bit better. 

well last night I had a wonderingful dream...but like I said it was a dream. Well I dreamed first of all that I was sad but then I saw these 2 beautiful baby boys. I had had twins.. they were so cute and and I was very excited. My mom was very protective of the. Them one day my ex comes around and tell my mom that he wants to talk to me but she says that he owes her money and he sid that he would pay as long as he got to talk to me but he still didn't want anything with the babies . But then I went to them and he followed, he saw hoe beautiful they were and became excited. He was so happy about them that he wanted to to start spending more time with them. That was the happiest moment of m life to see his smile with our children and be happy to be a parent. I this dream was a very happy moment but then I woke up. I realize that I am not having twins and besides it would probably be financially harder for me. But to see those 2 babies faces still in my mind makes me feel happy but sad b/c I still have to face reality. * sigh*

Yeah well it's been a really long time since I have logged on to this site ... I don't know I just thought the world wasn't ready to know what I was feeling then. As many of you might know or are about to find our , I am going to have a baby. Yes I am very excited although a bit worried because he is due 5 days after finals if he doesn't come out early. I have never been happier in the world but I am beginning to feel lonely again. I know I have friends and family and I love them all dearly but that is not the type of loneliness I am feeling. I am going to be a single mom and it just hurts me when I think of the baby and his future. I know I will give him everything I can , the world even,just it was promised to me but I wont break that promise. I thought I could get away with just ignoring what the reality of it and keep a strong face well sometimes I just can't. I get tired and pretending that I could do it all. I am tired id being the dependent one , when will I be the one that depends on others. Yes I have everything I need but I need more now.
     I can't wait to hold my baby but I am scared of the daddy's reaction. You know I think what hurts more is that I still love him and everything gets stirred up all the time. But I don't even talk to him or call him. I just can't , he calls sometimes but I can't do it. As far as I know , he wont be involved and I think that is what hurts the most. I gave him basically 3 years  and it's been a year since we've been broken up but how long am I going to stay in pieces. To many it seems like I may have moved on but I can't lie to my heart. My heart just keeps on hoping without a cause or  hope to motivate, it's sad I know but I can't control it.
    Maybe my baby will be my inspiration when he is born but I am starting to get scared. I don't even have money but I am going to do everything for this baby. He is my life and a connection of a love that was once there. I'd cry if tears were made out of money ....!