so I am back once again. I don't even know why, I guess it's a good thing that nbody reads these things anymore,lol. I am in such a rut that I don't know what to do. I have a philosophy presentation with a partner tomorrow and we have not met yet. Ok so you say why don't you call her and find time to meet. Well my dilema stands in the part where I do not know who is or what she looks like. I saw once in class last thursday where I gave her my name and e-mail adress. I know I didn't get to see her face very well. I don't know what to do. I emailed my teacher and haven't heard from him. I am scared because he said that I have to do well in the last assignments to get a semi descent grade. What am I to do ? Well I guess I will prepare whatever and just go and present, that is all I could do. So why do I face just obsticles in life, I don't know but I hope that regardless of them I will still get out of college.I just want to graduate and be out...is that too much to ask for. I am sorry I suck at english because it's not my first language. I am sorry I write mediocre but I was getting A's in my papers. I am sorry I didn't have any money to get tutor to teach exactly what I needed for college but do I have to get penalized because I try hard...trying is not good enough I know. I am sorry I am mexican. I am sorry that I come from immigrant parents that love me and want me to succeed in this country. I am sorry I am a single mom and want the best for my child just as my parents wanted of me. Well what else can I be sorry about. I am sorry I was born , I went to college, I play the clarinet, that I am a music major. I don't know.... Listing all of that is just life to me.I am not sorry of all of that. That is what I am proud of. So what if I cannot speak or write english right ? That doesn't really take anything from me. life is life and it's a precious thing . I am greatful and feel sorry for those that hate it.

 
I can't figure out what is wrong with me but it wont go away. My head hurts really bad and my eyes just seem to be linking like a faucet that you just cant fix. It hard when you really have no one to talk to. You do but you don't. It's always the same issue and people get tired of hearing the same thing over and over which makes it hard to speak b/c I just can't learn or get over it. I know it's not the same thing but it involves the same issue and well that in itself has made my life a living hell. Can life be shaped by the unhappiness you bring others and the happiness they bring you or is it by the happiness you bring some and the unhappiness everybody causes you ? I don't know life right now but it does not make sense, I see my beautiful baby and I wonder " God, why did you bring such a beautiful trasure of mine into the cruel painful world of life" Life is so cruel to start a precious jewel into its path of sticky, unremovable, life shaping dirt. We have each other until death do us apart but we are both too young. Life, she seems too like to play with me. I see her game and I am not the only one that plays. We are her pupets of jokes. Her games consists of life challenges that in the out run you become apathy to anything else. She teaches you that if you feel you are week? Hmm... Are emotions really considered weak? Is that the reason most guys have apathy to a crying woman. Or is it their strong feelings that makes him show a woman that feeling should be express in different forms and that way they wont get hurt. Are guys just trying to teach us or do they just pretend to be listening for us to feel better? I am not put down the male figure because females are have a lot of weeknesses they try and hide. Although not apparent to all , I wont give it away. Where would the mistery of a relationship be? You know it's that mistery to finding new things about you person the key a beautiful relationship. By that I don't mean keeping secrets. We shouldn't let ourselves go once we have them we should work even harder to impress them. If we don't impress them there are million of woman that have the possibility of doing it for you. I think that love after so many many years or being together, the relationship just becomes a habit and a routine. When you are older and you start to change or you finally move away from you parents house and you are finally really on your own, do you not feel something gone.
I know I just jumped into so many things but it cleared my head a little although it didn't take my headache away. I am thinking that I am going to put all my feelings out. All my crap is pretty much out ...  I don't think there is a person who doesn't relate or isn't the same way. I am going to combine my feelings , life turns, diaries, dreams I've had, and Xanga. I wonder how long this will take me. Although I feel I will be judged in diferent eyes but I don't know good or bad but I guess I don't have to be an english major to express what was written and meant many years ago.