cycle you suck!! and random events...

Stupid Period... I hate you!!! Last month you did me dirty and started way too early and this time you were suppose to supposedly start on saturday  the day before I took the patch off and what... it's tuesday now and you still haven't shown up... wtf!  

Yea, to this point all I think it's the patch is really messing with my cycle... and to top it off my cycle diary thingy I had  on my phone kind of went crazy when I updated my phone and erased everything ... well I am kind of hoping the new due date  it has on those does come true... Idk... it's so weird but I should add the previous months anyways... 

I am not worried about it not coming ... but  it doesn't make me happy when it doesn't come when it's suppose to...  

So I just updated from the last months... like july, august and sept... which were the ones on my real calender and sure enough with the irregularities... it set it as I should have started on last thursday and well yesterday should have been done with it... grrr... Without those 3 months to calculate I wasn't suppose to start until the 8th... but obviously we are all set to a timer and why has mine with fucking up..., starting right before these stupid patches... and the sad part is with them I hadn't even had sex...  oh the irony of shit. Which reminds me... about Tony he texted me on thankgiving which was nice,
 
"Happy Thanksgiving reyna! hope its filled with love and happiness. Miss ya! " .

.. Not a group message like many of us send but a nice one directed to me... I thought that was sweet. And then he texted me today also he is so random idk 

"Good morning reyna! have a wonderful day!! "

People are so random. Sometimes I don't understand but whatever... a truce is a truce...  Oh and Bobby was talking to me a couple days ago... and sending me kisses via "bbm" which I didn't return... and he said that he misses our deep conversations... lol so I asked him which one..." And he said "the one where u had a man" ... I couldn't help but laugh... he always asks me  how Danny is doing... I feel bad though bc he always asks about him and in return I'll ask about his lil first but I don't remember her name for the life of me... idk I guess I just sort of went back to being indifferent about guys again. 

And I have thought about Tony but I man I gave him up for sure... I wouldn't ever had anything with him without a relationship... And this is the first time I have thought about this... on how what I remember of him would be jeopardized... So I'll talk to him via text... But, I wont tell him I miss him ... or "miss ya" how he put it ... I guess even though he's very comfortable talking to me and I am too I am still a lil  stand offish ... idk... it felt like he was flirting a bit today... and might have caught himself and then we just stopped talking... idk... people are freaking weird and random... Oh and Itold him to guess about a friend who found me on FB and we're going to have lunch together... and he kept saying his friend Roger so now I am wondering if his friend told him we text sometimes...or idk... his friend was flirting with me... I guess it might have seemed as if I started it... so what ev...and he asked "Bobby?!" and no it wasn't... and he asked Roger again... and I told him no... I wonder what they have talked about now... hmmm... but I am going to have a lunch with his ex (the love of his life) Vanessa.... Well she was one of the only girls who broke his heart in high school. She found me and wants to have lunch ... it was also random and odd... she just found me a lil while back and thursday the only day I go down happens to be a day off for her so we'll be meeting... I don't know about all of these random or none random but I guess we'll see thursday. This should all be all interesting and entertaining... we'll see what we talk about it... she is very happy with her now bf and has a son... Tony told me part of the story of when she left him so I know more of what happened with her after high school... 

Sometimes a little off(different), mostly shy but very talkative-don't get me going I can talk about everything and anything or look it up on my phone,enjoy listening to debates and sometimes loves arguing about nothing too haha! love dark colors:Red and black, rose is my flower(fits in all similes of my life), always in search but never known of what, easily amused and happy,  but don't press my buttons bc easily depressed and crazily angry psycho bitch {if you haven't met her, it's not your lack of trying, it's my self- control ;)} love the word "exotic"~ "strikingly unusual or strange in effect or appearance!" Yes, I'm a bit vain but if I wasn't who would love me more than I do...haha! I am perfectly imperfect... unbalanced but head straight... I am many contradictions... You can say I am just an oxymoron... 

sectionals

Today is a very good day. I was called by the band director and he wants me to have 4 sectionals... in the next 2 weeks... 2 this week but since kids only have 3 days of school that means Tuesday and Wednesday sectionals... :) and next week Tuesday and Thursday. What I liked best was when he mentioned Money.... that truly made my day today. Work... yay! Which means I still have my few lessons this week but I get to make enough to -pay for my phone this month... yay! Maybe this month they wont shut it off... it's so hard finding a job... and I've looked posted resumes... applications... endless...geez... I know I over qualified for some but please I just need a job just will give me some steady pay check for now... inconsiderate... and if it was close to home and I didn't have to drive an hour to work even better!!

Cruel to be kind

Oh, I can't take another heartache
Though you say you're my friend
I'm at my wits end
You say your love is bonafide
But that don't coincide
With the things that you're doing
When I ask you to be nice
You say you gotta be
Cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you
Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind
Well, I do my best to understand dear
But you still mystify, and I wanna know why
I pick myself up off the ground
And have you knock me back down
Again and again
And when I ask you to explain
You say you gotta be
Cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you
Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind
Well, I do my best to understand dear
But you still mystify, and I wanna know why
I pick myself up off the ground
And have you knock me back down
Again and again
And when I ask you to explain
You say you gotta be
Cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you
Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind


Letters to Cleo
Nick Lowe

dream beginning of week

It felt like I was in smith park (in a park I grew up in, in San Gabriel City, down the street from the San Gabriel Mission) and we were Just enjoying our time. It was daylight... There was a lot of family surprisingly... So then I see tony in a wheel chair being pushed by his friend Gabe but he wasn't hurt they were just playing... Tony had his hands up and legs were up almost like if he was going weeeee.... I was so confused he was there but I didn't approach... I saw Tia Librada yelling at her kids but for some reason they were small BC everything else felt real time ...the one thing I don't remember up to this next point is if I was alone for the beginning or just watching...
Well I walk to the edge of the park where the handball walls are and I'm putting on my black button up shirt loosely over my other shirt when there she was Laura my cousin... She gave me such a big hug...and I almost cried bc I was so happy to see her. And she said she knew it would surprise me.... So we talked and I told her that he was there... There were a big group of guys there in thebasketball court just hanging out and sitting towards the back. Tony was right in the middle of all of them... At points he would disappear within the crowd of friends. It felt like they were protecting him or something... or they were a force field but I recognized many of his friends he has pics with... Don't know names but i'll look them up later. Then all of a sudden everything went black.... I turn back (my back was to the guys) and everybody was there I think it was pitch black.... And a huge white semi truck passes at my right and then another on my left.(it's like at the point where those trucks pass... it's like flashing lights... it happens so fast and I felt trapped ) So confusing. I turn back and all The guys are gone (I turned back to see if he was there bc at that point of fear I wanted a comfort face and no one was there). Laura is gone too and now people trying  to on their camera lights to see... Then I see Dulce as a lil girl with a lil boy (like if it was her lil brother but she doesn't have a little brother) playing water with some blue tight jeans and a lil T-shirt and The lil boy wearing shorts.... All I remember doing next is sitting in one of The park tables And a tennis ball just came rolling and I stopped it with my foot...

dream of last couple of nights!

Not last night but the night before...I know it's minimal but I had a dream... well a couple but the first one that I  really engraved in my mind was a motorcycle... All I remember is me in it. Don't know where I was going just that I was able to go fast and steer though it all. Nothing got in my way. :) I loved the wind in my hair as I went  faster down the mountain.

Then that same night I had another dream. We've all been a little sick here at my house. But in my dream I had to tell my mom something. And she tells me, I knew when I saw you sick and saw you eyes. And I was left with nothing to say. In my dream I don't remember if I told her or is she tells me but in any case in my dream I was pregnant and confused and sick... lol great combo!.

Last night all I remember is vaguely one dream. I was holding some Dinner... with important people. It was like a business deal or something. It takes place in Hollywood. 

Then I briefly remember that I was waiting for people to come. Tony was standing next to me or we were having a conversation in the bar or what seemed like a clear table but I was facing down and then looked out the Window. I had another friend showing up with a friend he knows from College. And he had given her flowered... Like big daisies or they looked like daisies but the flowers were yellow and orange. And he pulled her my her arm and was trying to hold her hand.But I knew she had a bf but I don't know why I got jealous. It  was so weird and then we started the meeting. Then I don't know why but it was me and Tony somewhere in some parking lot and he asked me if I had gone somewhere... and I just gave him like a mysterious smile. I was suppose to then go to Japan or something... He asked me where my meeting had been and I hesitated and said Hollywood and he asked me why? 

just bits and pieces... It was a lot of questioning in this one...idk

Month

Ok... so probably only you and I can read this because it will be protected and you're my only friend in the protected section... lol so you can choose not to read... it's about period...idk

Maybe I am just worrying too much or making a deal out of nothing because there is no way anything. I think the birth I started using has really fucked with me... I started using the path but I never remember it affecting me like it has this time. Granted last time I used it I was probably in high school and early college but still. Well I mean my cycle did come 5 days earlier(which was 2 weeks) after having sex with Tony and had just had it the week before we did anything. And it was a day shorter than usual. The weird part was that it was a little heavy the first 2 days and the next 2 days minimized to almost nothing.I never have these type of changes but it was during this time that I started using the birth control. So 8 days after that I was spotting for a day (which was the 20th) and then 10 days after which was Oct 30... spotting, halloween spotting...and these first three days of November have all been spotting... I took off my patch sunday bc this is my week of... but that is a lot of spotting.... I thought that today maybe my regular period was going to start bc it seemed a lil heavier but no those were just spots...I had gone right before this period or this spotting for a prego test at the 99 cents store... I know I am cheap but they told me when I was with Danny and it came out negative... so I was happy but even back then I didn't trust them bc they came from the 99 cents stores... 
But I know this spotting isn't my period because I haven't let go of any lining... it's just blood... I know I am suppose to regularly have my period next week on the 8-12 of the month but then why has it been like 5 days of spotting and no lining yet...  
 
It's been 6 weeks since we had some kind of intimacy... And I am not really worried... I mean I am not... but I wasn't on BC yet and it was a little unexpected... and we weren't protected...  He said he didn't get there so ideally I should be find. He said he had a lot of control... but he was able to just keep going and going... it was amazing... I had never orgasm-ed so much... He said it felt like jet fuel bc he was able to keep going... that was fun... but he reassured me he didn't get there at all... 

Anyways forgetting about that... lol 

So that is still my dilemma...  I guess now I have to wait and see if I do get my regular period... but that is a lot of spotting for a whole month

Well the worst part was today though... I do feel a little bloated... but mainly weak, very shaky... and I had the worst nausea. Everything smelled nasty. And I tried to eat something that I had been wanting for a while and it just didn't taste like anything... so disappointing... 

Just hope it's my cold I have... that's it!

BC

Stupid BC.... you've been making me spot all month... Damn maybe I should have seen it coming and not even started anything... f... freaking getting checked... that was the only good thing... but started... now I can't stop because my system was normal well ... oddly enough last month it wasnt it came 5 days early which it never does and lasted a day shorter than usual... and I started the BC that week... I mean the good thing is that it's controlled my mood swings and drastic hormonal changes... but now I am spotting...I know I can't stop now... must keep it going because then I'll get lazy again. This is my week without the patch and I am really hoping for it to  hurry... I took it off yesterday and I am very moody today... Sunday again... and I guess it's better to be protected even if you're not actively doing anything than not be protected and something does happen.... life is weird and has it's twists... feeling very sad... bc so many things make me think but trying to stay optimistic and keep my goals for my future so that the next does see what I want and doesn't think I am so complicated or that my life is complicated... I just want a simple kind of life... and nobody sees I can't do it by myself...

Think back a year ago. Has there been any big changes in your life since last year? What's changed?

Actually, the funny thing is that everything has changed completely in my life... I mean I think they're not that actively noticeable but they're there. I have regained confidence in myself thanks to someone. I manage to become a better version of me. I've started caring more of me and who I am and eating better and exercising so I can even look better. I have stopped some bad habits that use to control and rule me. I feel life in a different perspective. I don't trust people easily anymore though. I was always one to be trusting. And it's not everybody but so far most of the men I have allowed to get closer to me in a sense have somewhat left me hanging, not all but have managed to disappoint me in a way. I still think there is hope but rather than trust first I think it's time they gain my trust. Life has never been easy but why am I going to complicate my life more than I need to. I am starting to get on my feet... it's taking some time... but I am actively looking to better my lifestyle in every single way. I was told a couple weeks back that I need to set my priorities straight and he's right. It was time for another focus and time for change. I think my life can finally start moving forward in a difference direction but a happy one. I am realizing that I don't think the love, or acceptance of a male figure to be happy because I can make myself happy. As long as I am optimistic and keep my self motivated I can be a happy person and live a life of fulfillment for my self and my son.
A year ago I was a wreck... 2 years ago...I was going insane... 3 years ago... I was barely falling apart. Most people don't know who I am or how I am or the type of struggle I face. The challenges I take seem to overcome me and it's sometimes a little hard to explain. But for those same reasons I understand why people have failed me ... or more so I failed them... I say they failed me because obviously I am trying to keep a special outlook in life and right now is not the time to fall apart. I've had some of the happiest moments in my life the last few months... I will never trade any tears, laughters, special moments, kisses, hugs, lunches, dinners, walks, phone calls, texts, chatting, Skype, nothing..... it's all of who I was to all and who they were to me... *sigh*  Life is life and life goes on... and on and on....

  
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Attention...pt 1 prior fontana yrs

Better late than never... 

Sometimes in life there many misunderstanding and misinterpretations on people. We are only human and well human nature says that we'll make many mistakes and misjudgments... simple, simple

Now, Attention... 

This is mainly about whether I like or dislike attention... not for you to pay attention to what I am writing which either way it has something to do with attention... go figures... whatever... 
I am trying to distinguish the difference,  Which I will fail miserably! and which ones I like, I guess... but like everything in life it's circumstantial so ... what's the point? Well this was originally suppose to be written to a person (like an assignment... hahaha! I know but I know!) but now it's more as for my informational purposes... which in reality it's all over my blog anyways just not specifically dictated in that sense. So this time this is the focus and I will try not to go off on many tangents which I will probably will do anyways. 

Where to begin.... 
Childhood

At a very young age I started to develop. I was tall and had curves... so I was never a lil plain girl...I can't say I was pretty but I think I was somewhat... because little boys had crushes on me... there was one year where a lil boy (a year younger) tormented me and bullied me bc he liked me... yeah, gotta love the love I was getting! And then another boy names Eder...gave me a pair of scissors... so sweet ...oh may I add... he stole them just to give them to me... wow! That's true love! I didn't like him but I thought it was sweet so I took them and you know what I had them up to maybe a few years ago. Oh I didn't mention in these years.. I was a very shy loner... which honestly it never left. I guess I still am a loner... haha! 

Anyways, those were year prior to 5th grade  and I started to get out a lil from my comfort zone. I always felt like everybody and I mean everybody was always looking at me. So for me to play sports a little but a big pain to do. Which I don't understand because not playing made me more noticeable but I didn't care about that one... weird!... In 5th grade I don't know what happened exactly. But, the boys were a little more afraid to play with me... And I didn't understand. They were a little frightened that some might hurt me. I was a little tomboyish so rough play at that point was fun but I still kept within my comfort zone. We were in 5th grade and I loved to play dodgeball... my gave game... I was effin good at it too... So I remember this one instance (a light bulb moment, in a sense) where we were standing in line after recces and there was this boy names Nick he had the ball so I told him to throw it at me and he said no, that he couldn't. And I was confused so I asked him "why not?" And he had his blue jacket which he had  wrapped around his waist...and unwrapped it and like used it to show me in a whip like motion to my body... he was referring to my breasts. That was the point I fully became aware of me. At that point I felt people starting to look at me again... It felt like I was a target and all eyes were on me... and people were laughing at me... I became even more so self conscience. I started wearing sweaters... If you remember me from middle school and high school and part of college... sweaters and jackets... my shield of protection. 

In middle school we were Uniforms but I still wore big clothes and sweaters and big t-shirts. Anything to hide what I had. I didn't want people noticing me. And the hardest part was always walking home... And people looking at me... I was a lil and completely innocent girl with a woman's figure and a lil girl's face. People were always turning to see me and there was nothing I could do... I felt helpless and I hated my body for attracting attention... I would even wear a jacket over my sweater or tie a sweater on my waist and wear my jacket. Yeah, that's how bad it was...  I started to slowly gear into wearing black... When nothing I did and I looked horrible (thinking of the way I dressed my self for the not wanting attention) yeah a bit hypocritical in a sense. black became my comfort zone... I always had a circle of friends... but the thing about of the friends... is that even with them I created shields... I had some smart friends, and the average friends and then the dumb friends too... all in a sense... So to say that I always had somewhere to fall when something failed... and to be honest these were groups in middle school prior to fontana... and they were  people who didn't know each other. I always made sure that my different friends were in different clicks... For some reason when I had some friends I always liked them to be apart... i don't honestly know why but it eventually became interest conflicts with those decisions but I felt they would never get along so I just never found a way to have them... meet. I guess I just needed to be a different me in different times of the day. Besides in some I would just be in the background and in others I would talk and or not talk... I hated to be noticed but I didn't want to completely be a loner but I didn't want to have to say anything...

7th grade I was already suffering depression... and was quite unsure why I was so unhappy. But, that was the first time when I felt like wasn't worth it any more...  I felt more alone than ever... And I did have those friends and one specific friend always helped me out Dulce but I was caught in between worlds... My fantasy world and real life... the background kept me in a dreamlike state... 7th grade my grades suffered and I struggled... Even my passion in music even though I was doing great ... I had no one in there... So alone I didn't even go to Six flags on my last year because I didn't want to walk alone.... to this point all I could correlate attention to was that it lead to my loneliness... or isolating my self in fear...

I'll call this prior Fontana or 8th grade years... 

Sally's Song

Sally's Song

I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him? 
And will he see how much he means to me? 
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend? 
Where will his actions lead us then? 
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together? 
No, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one


The Nightmare Before Christmas

starting my goals :)

I've always been quite of a stand-offish kind of a person. I talk to people yes and I let them feel like they fit or allow them to sympathize with me... I have many one-"night" stand conversations with people and never see them again... It's how I've lived life. I've never been one to get too close or allow others to get too close to me either... yes sad but it's life and it's how I was raised. (I've always been a more literal person, sorry and i'll explain) When I was little my mother, probably having friend issues, told me "never have friends, you can't trust them" and I was so young I didn't understand what she really meant is "be cautious of who your real friends are." Well I came to this realization about a year ago... probably 20 yrs after it was introduced into my mind. I was always the goody-2-shoes getting in trouble for other's actions... So that's when it came clear to me that those small lil words that were said to me so young probably scarred me for life. Yes, I have friends and sure I talk to them... but really look at me... when have I seemed like a typical friend, I'm not. When I have needed people the most in my life I find my self alone. And in reality I am not but because I am surrounded but I am. Anyways, Because I am the way I am, I don't like setting goals that I know I cannot complete. I rather live a lucid, or fluid life than to feel like a failure in my eyes.

(A goal I set and felt like the worst person because I failed was in early motherhood. When I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breast-feed for at least 6-months of Danny's life. Well we all know that's healthier for them and it helps you loose weight too. Well he was born and started feeding and it was a little hard but I manage to be ok while in the hospital and then I went home. Baby tried feeding and would be there for a while and it hurt but I kept trying... after a few days... he would be hungry and I kept trying and he wouldn't be satisfied... and I would cry with  a hungry baby and he would start crying with my frustration and his hunger. I was only able to feed him for like 10 days... and on the 7th of the 10 I took him to the ER bc he was spitting blood... yea he was biting on me so hard that it was inevitable. I know it may not seem like a failure bc I couldn't or normal but to me I failed... almost 2 weeks to the weeks of 6 months which approx is 240 weeks)

And mind you recently I've been sitting some goals on my FB and I'm freaking dying that it wont happen but I'm taking the risk... Also because there was a goal I had in mind many years ago and I am now realizing how true it will have to be.

Last week: I set my first goal:

1. Making everybody independent of me! Had them in their training wheels long enough. The letting go process has begun..

     a.) The very first step is teaching my mother how to drive and fend for herself.

     b.) My father needs to learn how to be  responsible and pay for his responsibilities. And he needs a car!

     c.) Danny is fine... he will depend on me for a while

     d.) And I need to let them do it. I need to learn they need to make mistakes to learn and depend on them   depending on me all the time.

2. Look for suitable job that will allow me to grow as a person and independence.

     a.)  That independence will measure by the monetary income to be on my own.

     b.) Will have my own apartment until I get a house. No sharing an apt- a 2 bedroom, 2 bath.

     c.) School loans will start being paid off...

     d.) And I will get my self a car. A car I want, not you...

3. Will Learn to Juggle Work life, Mother life, Social Life...

     a.) Work obviously will be important or everything can fall apart

     b.) Danny needs to know i'll be there with him no matter what and he is always priority.

     c.) I will need to still manage to see friends and hang out...

     d.) Family time to still promote unity will need to be given time

     e.) and love life ... if everything else has settled then might have or not have time to think about....

I have been given opportunity to set goals before. I set simple goals that I knew from the get-go that looked either impossible bc i wasn't trying to obtain them or easily eccentric goals... that I knew looked impossible but very obtainable in my eyes. This is what has pissed people off at me... well not that bad but they do get upset because they see this potential and I always seem to let them down in a sense. But, it's not about letting them down it's more like they let me down so I stopped caring. When I loose interest I move on, simple.

My life has always been really hard but very simple. I make it seem simple many times and when people try to do the same they get stuck. Other times people realize the hardships and I brush them off like its nothing. Other times I do tend to whine... Like I mentioned before about the friends... it's tough so I let it out somehow.

So now I have some goals...  And I started by taking mother out to drive... I will make these happen. And you'll see that maybe after all I am a Capricorn... I've hidden behind many walls for years and it's time to show the world what I can really do and not playing pretending or hide in my own sugar coated life.