I've always been quite of a stand-offish kind of a person. I talk to people yes and I let them feel like they fit or allow them to sympathize with me... I have many one-"night" stand conversations with people and never see them again... It's how I've lived life. I've never been one to get too close or allow others to get too close to me either... yes sad but it's life and it's how I was raised. (I've always been a more literal person, sorry and i'll explain) When I was little my mother, probably having friend issues, told me "never have friends, you can't trust them" and I was so young I didn't understand what she really meant is "be cautious of who your real friends are." Well I came to this realization about a year ago... probably 20 yrs after it was introduced into my mind. I was always the goody-2-shoes getting in trouble for other's actions... So that's when it came clear to me that those small lil words that were said to me so young probably scarred me for life. Yes, I have friends and sure I talk to them... but really look at me... when have I seemed like a typical friend, I'm not. When I have needed people the most in my life I find my self alone. And in reality I am not but because I am surrounded but I am. Anyways, Because I am the way I am, I don't like setting goals that I know I cannot complete. I rather live a lucid, or fluid life than to feel like a failure in my eyes.
(A goal I set and felt like the worst person because I failed was in early motherhood. When I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breast-feed for at least 6-months of Danny's life. Well we all know that's healthier for them and it helps you loose weight too. Well he was born and started feeding and it was a little hard but I manage to be ok while in the hospital and then I went home. Baby tried feeding and would be there for a while and it hurt but I kept trying... after a few days... he would be hungry and I kept trying and he wouldn't be satisfied... and I would cry with a hungry baby and he would start crying with my frustration and his hunger. I was only able to feed him for like 10 days... and on the 7th of the 10 I took him to the ER bc he was spitting blood... yea he was biting on me so hard that it was inevitable. I know it may not seem like a failure bc I couldn't or normal but to me I failed... almost 2 weeks to the weeks of 6 months which approx is 240 weeks)
And mind you recently I've been sitting some goals on my FB and I'm freaking dying that it wont happen but I'm taking the risk... Also because there was a goal I had in mind many years ago and I am now realizing how true it will have to be.
Last week: I set my first goal:
1. Making everybody independent of me! Had them in their training wheels long enough. The letting go process has begun..
a.) The very first step is teaching my mother how to drive and fend for herself.
b.) My father needs to learn how to be responsible and pay for his responsibilities. And he needs a car!
c.) Danny is fine... he will depend on me for a while
d.) And I need to let them do it. I need to learn they need to make mistakes to learn and depend on them depending on me all the time.
2. Look for suitable job that will allow me to grow as a person and independence.
a.) That independence will measure by the monetary income to be on my own.
b.) Will have my own apartment until I get a house. No sharing an apt- a 2 bedroom, 2 bath.
c.) School loans will start being paid off...
d.) And I will get my self a car. A car I want, not you...
3. Will Learn to Juggle Work life, Mother life, Social Life...
a.) Work obviously will be important or everything can fall apart
b.) Danny needs to know i'll be there with him no matter what and he is always priority.
c.) I will need to still manage to see friends and hang out...
d.) Family time to still promote unity will need to be given time
e.) and love life ... if everything else has settled then might have or not have time to think about....
I have been given opportunity to set goals before. I set simple goals that I knew from the get-go that looked either impossible bc i wasn't trying to obtain them or easily eccentric goals... that I knew looked impossible but very obtainable in my eyes. This is what has pissed people off at me... well not that bad but they do get upset because they see this potential and I always seem to let them down in a sense. But, it's not about letting them down it's more like they let me down so I stopped caring. When I loose interest I move on, simple.
My life has always been really hard but very simple. I make it seem simple many times and when people try to do the same they get stuck. Other times people realize the hardships and I brush them off like its nothing. Other times I do tend to whine... Like I mentioned before about the friends... it's tough so I let it out somehow.
So now I have some goals... And I started by taking mother out to drive... I will make these happen. And you'll see that maybe after all I am a Capricorn... I've hidden behind many walls for years and it's time to show the world what I can really do and not playing pretending or hide in my own sugar coated life.
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