Mexico... Well I have been since I was 8... the last time I went... I want to go and want to see how much the family has grown... my cousins have kids and been married... there are many cousins I haven't met or were so little when I was there... it's been like 17 years since the last time I went so a whole life time for some... I want to take my son to go visit and see how it is out there... I know he will have trouble since he loves all the technology and will not get it all but limited but she should still get to know fam...
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Do you ever censor what you blog about for any reason? What particular topics do you censor?
I think that we all sometimes sensor some things...I believe... I know some of the more explicit have not but there are minor things who for some might be even more significant or maybe not... but there always has to be a certain censorship for me... if there wasn't there everybody would know everything about me... and my 2nd and 3rd lives I lead... yes... I am a spy and yes to what ever you're thinking.... To me somethings are more important than giving up to readers what they would consider more controversial... depending how innocent their mind is....
So to reiterate... yes and I'm not telling... oh well names and some activities...
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
So to reiterate... yes and I'm not telling... oh well names and some activities...
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
A woman
A woman torn away by scorn
A broken woman
A woman without hopes
A lost woman
A woman like you
A woman torn away by deception
A scared woman
A woman with no heart
A lonely woman
A woman like me
A woman lost in herself
A compromising
A frustrated woman
A woman willing to give it all
An everyday woman
A mistrusted woman
A misunderstood woman
A woman caught in her job
A confused woman
A woman, A mother
A woman like you, me, my mother, and you mother!
pretty self explanatory... we keep it all!
A broken woman
A woman without hopes
A lost woman
A woman like you
A woman torn away by deception
A scared woman
A woman with no heart
A lonely woman
A woman like me
A woman lost in herself
A compromising
A frustrated woman
A woman willing to give it all
An everyday woman
A mistrusted woman
A misunderstood woman
A woman caught in her job
A confused woman
A woman, A mother
A woman like you, me, my mother, and you mother!
pretty self explanatory... we keep it all!
My greatest fear
My greatest fear
Grew within me
You would never imagine what I had to hear
It was May first
And there were just moments
When I just needed to burst
My greatest fear
Grew within me
The constant biquering and screaming
Kept me at a low
I cried every hour of everyday
A few few as my burden grew
It was a secret
One, which slowly killed me
A secret, no one was suppose to know
One, which was to be kept away from
Family
Friends
The father
And many more
My greatest fear
You brought conflict
Controversy
And many say a stupid statistic
Was I not to graduate...
My greatest fear
Grew within me
Everyday I wanted to run away
I wanted to hide!
As I tried to get away
I could only wobble through those green meadows
slowly, as I dealt with my lonely pain
You grew within
I had my doubts but
you grew within
I knew I would be alone
But you grew within
I know I wouldn't be able to give it all to you
But you grew within
I knew you would have no father
But you grew within
You grew within and
You kept growing
Nothing stopped you from growing
My greatest fear,
Here you are!
You still grow but no longer within
But alongside
My greatest fear
My pride
My joy
My happiness
My love
My boy!
I wrote this years a few years back.... I only wrote some stuff in between High School and the first couple of years my son was born.... I have no style and I am not writer but I use to have huge emotional issues... Which some writing helped ...
Grew within me
You would never imagine what I had to hear
It was May first
And there were just moments
When I just needed to burst
My greatest fear
Grew within me
The constant biquering and screaming
Kept me at a low
I cried every hour of everyday
A few few as my burden grew
It was a secret
One, which slowly killed me
A secret, no one was suppose to know
One, which was to be kept away from
Family
Friends
The father
And many more
My greatest fear
You brought conflict
Controversy
And many say a stupid statistic
Was I not to graduate...
My greatest fear
Grew within me
Everyday I wanted to run away
I wanted to hide!
As I tried to get away
I could only wobble through those green meadows
slowly, as I dealt with my lonely pain
You grew within
I had my doubts but
you grew within
I knew I would be alone
But you grew within
I know I wouldn't be able to give it all to you
But you grew within
I knew you would have no father
But you grew within
You grew within and
You kept growing
Nothing stopped you from growing
My greatest fear,
Here you are!
You still grow but no longer within
But alongside
My greatest fear
My pride
My joy
My happiness
My love
My boy!
I wrote this years a few years back.... I only wrote some stuff in between High School and the first couple of years my son was born.... I have no style and I am not writer but I use to have huge emotional issues... Which some writing helped ...
Monday, July 26, 2010
sunday
I cant believe how much I enjoyed this weekend. It was just packed with friends and good times! The Wedding yesterday but today was great also. Well I woke up so tired... and with a small headache but I only drank 2 glasses of wine and a couple more of champagne... the Wine they gave right after the wedding was amazing... such a sweet red taste... I believe it was Rose... and I didn't catch the white wine name but it wasn't bad. But the wine in the reception was so gross... The champagne was tolerable so I drank it....
so I don't know why the headache...
So Today we went to Mass and then went to Diana's house... I hadn't seen her personally since she was pregnant and we lived in a corner house in Fontana... Her daughter turned one and she was having a little party. And the great part is that she lives so close ... in Adelanto... Not bad... it was like 20 some minutes....
I hadn't seen danny have so much fun and not ask ask to go home. He actually hit the pinata an he didn't even want to hot the one for his birthday... And he by him self picked up candy once he filled his little bag he proclaimed "I'm the best mom" which i found kind of cute like if he was competing with the other kids...
But one of the most endearing moments was when they were going to sing to the little girl They hang to her t best part was they did it together and so on... I guess it sure beats having parents who sing in a Mariachi... lucky girls...anyways I am so tired and seem to have to get up early if I didn't I would sing this.
so I don't know why the headache...
So Today we went to Mass and then went to Diana's house... I hadn't seen her personally since she was pregnant and we lived in a corner house in Fontana... Her daughter turned one and she was having a little party. And the great part is that she lives so close ... in Adelanto... Not bad... it was like 20 some minutes....
I hadn't seen danny have so much fun and not ask ask to go home. He actually hit the pinata an he didn't even want to hot the one for his birthday... And he by him self picked up candy once he filled his little bag he proclaimed "I'm the best mom" which i found kind of cute like if he was competing with the other kids...
But one of the most endearing moments was when they were going to sing to the little girl They hang to her t best part was they did it together and so on... I guess it sure beats having parents who sing in a Mariachi... lucky girls...anyways I am so tired and seem to have to get up early if I didn't I would sing this.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The wedding
The wedding was so beautiful. It was pretty much a University of Redlands parties... Just like those we use to go to way back in the day... same faces of the people I use to see around campus, those I use to work with, have classes with... I never felt so much love and seen so many friend come through for a couple like this. It was amazing... There is where you truly see how much an impact can be done while you're in school and not only that but that friends can be family too!
To me Janeth has been like a sister mainly and mostly when we were in college together bc I didn't really get to know her until then... and she was the one... who always kept asking me is I knew what I was doing with her bro ... back in the day... She was always trying to protect me and helpme out in my worst moments in time. She helped out and we ever partied some together... I met Diego my freshman year in the UorR and we were in the all-white party that was hosted by the Betas every year... and he was nice... Got to see him more often at their Fontana house and then eventually they gave me rides too. The best 2 people to work together to get things done. And they never let the worst things get to them... always working together as a team, even and far most when he kept getting rejected at her house... especially by her brother Art... no matter what he never accepted him... I remember once I was there and Diego came over and I started talking to him bc I knew him from school... well Art didn't have it and called me to another room... and made sure I didn't go out... which was truly sad bc he never gave this great guy that had potential to his older sister's heart and fortunately for both it's "until death do us 'part".
Anyways, The reception was beautiful and I loved how all the people who were part her wedding entered. They all entered in their couple each as they were being announce and finally the bride and the groom... Everything felt dream like it went so fast... I had never not really used my phone as I didn't during these few hours, it was amazing. Well I also got re-acquainted which Art Sr. older brother Otto Schmidt and his wife Celina... She remembered me from so many years back and I felt bad because I do not remember her but we spent the evening talking and laughing... and it was great. It's nice to be remembered sometimes even after like 7 years... they said they hadn't seen Mabel for like 6... but they're great people. They got to see Danny's bad side... he wasn't in the greatest mood today... but we all have a lifetime... He at least got to know a few more schimdts now and little by little he will understand...
This evening was amazing and may God Bless them for the rest of their lives!
Kind of hard to write when really tired but I know If I didn't wrote something i would get to lazy to do it... I can edit later...
To me Janeth has been like a sister mainly and mostly when we were in college together bc I didn't really get to know her until then... and she was the one... who always kept asking me is I knew what I was doing with her bro ... back in the day... She was always trying to protect me and helpme out in my worst moments in time. She helped out and we ever partied some together... I met Diego my freshman year in the UorR and we were in the all-white party that was hosted by the Betas every year... and he was nice... Got to see him more often at their Fontana house and then eventually they gave me rides too. The best 2 people to work together to get things done. And they never let the worst things get to them... always working together as a team, even and far most when he kept getting rejected at her house... especially by her brother Art... no matter what he never accepted him... I remember once I was there and Diego came over and I started talking to him bc I knew him from school... well Art didn't have it and called me to another room... and made sure I didn't go out... which was truly sad bc he never gave this great guy that had potential to his older sister's heart and fortunately for both it's "until death do us 'part".
Anyways, The reception was beautiful and I loved how all the people who were part her wedding entered. They all entered in their couple each as they were being announce and finally the bride and the groom... Everything felt dream like it went so fast... I had never not really used my phone as I didn't during these few hours, it was amazing. Well I also got re-acquainted which Art Sr. older brother Otto Schmidt and his wife Celina... She remembered me from so many years back and I felt bad because I do not remember her but we spent the evening talking and laughing... and it was great. It's nice to be remembered sometimes even after like 7 years... they said they hadn't seen Mabel for like 6... but they're great people. They got to see Danny's bad side... he wasn't in the greatest mood today... but we all have a lifetime... He at least got to know a few more schimdts now and little by little he will understand...
This evening was amazing and may God Bless them for the rest of their lives!
Kind of hard to write when really tired but I know If I didn't wrote something i would get to lazy to do it... I can edit later...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
he noticed me...eeek..*blush*
Well actually now that I think about it 2 kind of did...and one didn't...
So I went to the store today and nobody was bagging the groceries and then this tall somewhat handsome guy comes and says let me help with that... and grabs my cart... lol I know and let me repeat I know that's their job... but when I said thanks and looked at him in his eyes... he kept smiling and I know he was looking at me... bc when I gave him that smile of "gratitude" he just look me up and down and then up and smiled back... lol... ok but really so that felt good... too bad he was working... hahaha...jk... but it really did feel nice... thanks grocery bag boy!!! Confidence booost.... up...yay!!
Ok now onto the most important and probably the least minimal for everyone else... lol
Well I know with the backgroud story I am going to minimize or make the excitement more understandable... idk and idc but it makes me Happy....
ok, So When I was in 5th grade I went gaga over this lil boy...he was one of the smartest, played sports... was doing pre-algebra in 5th grade... trully amazing his ... *we got to stand next to each other in our 5th grade class pic* lol... was tall and had the most beautiful green eyes... I could stare at him forever... I trully could and honestly I still can... but I wont bc it's reality and not a tv show... So I knew everything about him... I mean everything... well after when he went to middle school bc after we stopped talking... so things became tough bc I really liked him... and then I had to opportunity to get to talk to him again... They had basketball tournaments and well he asked me to be in his team... made a small name by playing basketball here and there... so I was in his team but sadly a fight made the 6th grade class suspend the tournament so I didn't get to play with him... I was devasted....
I did sadly maybe not but kind of stalk and sort of became a lil obsessed... I did! Times were hard and I liked him so but so much... I think that's where I became a lil weird and maybe more of self-mutilating (or wanting self- harm) for rejection... weird but whatever...
I didn't care if would say something negative or even just said one word but I just wanted him to talk to me... but nothing happen... I wont even talk about when moved to Fontana... bc I went crazy... yea... literally... psychotic... depressed, obsessed... I went crazy and not driving or having communication drove my mind to the max.... it briefly started to leave when I started crushing on this boy in high school which he manage to deal with my psychotic issues and we also stopped talking for a couple years but made amends and only and mainly bc by then I had a psychotic bf who controlled everything little thing I did... I couldn't talk to my friends, I had to be by his side when he made music, I couldn't walk home with my friends... he had to take me to my house or mainly to his ... no will of my own... I guess I gave it up and started my morre submissive- indentured servitude to all his demand not so bad but did play a lot of mind games and cause me huge nervous break downs... anyways... he was the one person who started diminishing the thoughts of this other male figure. And he was very different than he was... That crush ... I "love" as I felt then... I still feel defines who I am as a person... or well gave my weirdness an awkward personality...
ok so why am I excited... right...
So today I posted a pic of my fb as I had done my make-up...and he took the time to look at it I guess and further more took more of his time to actually move his hand with his mouse and press the like button...
that more than anything else will make me smile for days... This guy although he may never know it... and with the rumors that ended our stupid friendship in kid land...he is still one of the most special guys in my heart.... he is truly the first person I ever felt something for and although we didn't have anything between us... I still see him... in a none stalker kind of way...
He is actually the main reason why my son has his name...a small admiration for him and a tribute to my lost and young broken heart... with all those shed tears and sleepless depressed nights...and after 14-15 years he finally looks at something of mind and likes it... well I am happy and I could die happily tonight...
That fulfilled my young sullen 10 yr old heart... and now 25... the happiest day ... oh and wouldn't even want anything to happen between us although that would make my life great too but I already took him name... he can't have a jr... lol....
So I went to the store today and nobody was bagging the groceries and then this tall somewhat handsome guy comes and says let me help with that... and grabs my cart... lol I know and let me repeat I know that's their job... but when I said thanks and looked at him in his eyes... he kept smiling and I know he was looking at me... bc when I gave him that smile of "gratitude" he just look me up and down and then up and smiled back... lol... ok but really so that felt good... too bad he was working... hahaha...jk... but it really did feel nice... thanks grocery bag boy!!! Confidence booost.... up...yay!!
Ok now onto the most important and probably the least minimal for everyone else... lol
Well I know with the backgroud story I am going to minimize or make the excitement more understandable... idk and idc but it makes me Happy....
ok, So When I was in 5th grade I went gaga over this lil boy...he was one of the smartest, played sports... was doing pre-algebra in 5th grade... trully amazing his ... *we got to stand next to each other in our 5th grade class pic* lol... was tall and had the most beautiful green eyes... I could stare at him forever... I trully could and honestly I still can... but I wont bc it's reality and not a tv show... So I knew everything about him... I mean everything... well after when he went to middle school bc after we stopped talking... so things became tough bc I really liked him... and then I had to opportunity to get to talk to him again... They had basketball tournaments and well he asked me to be in his team... made a small name by playing basketball here and there... so I was in his team but sadly a fight made the 6th grade class suspend the tournament so I didn't get to play with him... I was devasted....
I did sadly maybe not but kind of stalk and sort of became a lil obsessed... I did! Times were hard and I liked him so but so much... I think that's where I became a lil weird and maybe more of self-mutilating (or wanting self- harm) for rejection... weird but whatever...
I didn't care if would say something negative or even just said one word but I just wanted him to talk to me... but nothing happen... I wont even talk about when moved to Fontana... bc I went crazy... yea... literally... psychotic... depressed, obsessed... I went crazy and not driving or having communication drove my mind to the max.... it briefly started to leave when I started crushing on this boy in high school which he manage to deal with my psychotic issues and we also stopped talking for a couple years but made amends and only and mainly bc by then I had a psychotic bf who controlled everything little thing I did... I couldn't talk to my friends, I had to be by his side when he made music, I couldn't walk home with my friends... he had to take me to my house or mainly to his ... no will of my own... I guess I gave it up and started my morre submissive- indentured servitude to all his demand not so bad but did play a lot of mind games and cause me huge nervous break downs... anyways... he was the one person who started diminishing the thoughts of this other male figure. And he was very different than he was... That crush ... I "love" as I felt then... I still feel defines who I am as a person... or well gave my weirdness an awkward personality...
ok so why am I excited... right...
So today I posted a pic of my fb as I had done my make-up...and he took the time to look at it I guess and further more took more of his time to actually move his hand with his mouse and press the like button...
that more than anything else will make me smile for days... This guy although he may never know it... and with the rumors that ended our stupid friendship in kid land...he is still one of the most special guys in my heart.... he is truly the first person I ever felt something for and although we didn't have anything between us... I still see him... in a none stalker kind of way...He is actually the main reason why my son has his name...a small admiration for him and a tribute to my lost and young broken heart... with all those shed tears and sleepless depressed nights...and after 14-15 years he finally looks at something of mind and likes it... well I am happy and I could die happily tonight...
That fulfilled my young sullen 10 yr old heart... and now 25... the happiest day ... oh and wouldn't even want anything to happen between us although that would make my life great too but I already took him name... he can't have a jr... lol....
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Summer Events =D
With all the whining and crying and moping around and tasteless ranting... I Can't say I haven't had a good time in these last few weeks. Almost every weekend has been a little busy and I guess with sometimes things happening we forget for a while and then are cruelly entered back into reality... well not really I guess you can say I am being fecicious with the exaggeration but it's what can I say it happens when passion drives our emotions...
It all pretty much started the 2nd weekend in June.. Fun summer days...
June 12 We went to do a small demo at my son's aunt's house and it ended up being like a facial/make-up spa evening with mimosas and then they grilled food and we all had a nice evening... While Danny played with her lil Aunt Gisselle and my mom spoke to my son's Grandma Mabel. I have to say I hadn't enjoyed an evening like that in a while...
June 13 - We went to Mass in the San Gabriel Mission like we use to when we were kids and then headed to my aunt's house in Rosemead for my cousins' birthdays... Danny sure got lost their... We all got to hang out and talk and catch up...The kids played ... it's nice seeing all my aunts together...
But we still cut the evening a lil short because we stopped at my sister's Godparents house since her Godfather had been given a very limited life span left...
June 19
We had a small Rally of motivation in the OC with was inspirational...
June 26
My cousin had her Sweet 16... so we went to La Puente. It was nice, I really liked her dress. So Happy family...
July 3rd was a busy, busy day... a client came over and I lil late so delayed the plans... After we left we went to Ontario to my mom's comadre's house to give her a little info and we stayed there a couple of hours. Then I went to my Friend Maria's lil girl's 3rd b-day party and stayed there for a while... then I picked up my sis in Fontana and my mom in Ontario and headed to El Monte to a friend's 25th birthday/ Graduation from her Master's program... yay her!!! Anna Orozco Sociologist
July 4th which was a bit of a disappointment...
We traditionally have a thing we do every year and almost no aunt has failed to come and much less my grandma bc it's something my grandpa had been doing for so many years....We stay here celebrate some and then would usually go to my friend's house in Bloomington but this year was so disappointing that I didn't even feel like driving the whole way down... even though I knew I was going to take the edge off and drink and spend the night but I think we all went to bed early...
July 10
My Cousin Cathy got Married with her boyfriend and my sis and I went to her reception in Uluminarias...in Monterey Park... very nice reception and very strict on people count. But got to have a drink and enjoy the time bc it was the first time all the cousin were not working ... the sad part was that my sis and I were the only representative of the Flores family... Says a lot of my dad side of the family but that's for another story... lol
July 11
it was my Aunt's birthday, Tia Sidronia (Chido) and so we were in Riverside
But my other aunt did spoil my evening a lil but I didn't let it get to me until after we left... it was the best I could do...
July 17
We went to a friend's house in Fontana... Ana Lucia... her youngest got baptized. I was able to see another friend and we got to catch up... I hadn't seen her in a while... It was mainly my friend's family except us 2 friends... but it was very enjoyable.
Next weekend.. July 24th ... it's Janeth's Wedding... I should see a lot old people from Redlands.
July 25th I have a friend who is in Mariachi Divas... her youngest turns 1yr old...but at least she lives closer... up here in Adelanto. :D So some catching up with her and see some old high school friends... she didn't really talk to many while she was in Redlands...
It seems like the only weekend free in the one after that but maybe just saturday because Sunday August 1st it's my aunt's birthday but I don't know if we're going to go to Rosemead... well if they do something then yes...
August 7th... My friend Liz Munoz lil girl'sb-day... Aries turns 4... and is going to go to school where Danny was suppose to go to school...
and during these days family comes from Minessota... which should be awesome and it's one of my dad's younger brothers who he gets along with the most.
But we don't know what day exactly they're going to be here because on August 11th my mom and I leave for Denver, Colorado and wont return until Sunday August 14th... then I'm really free except for work... yay! Work starts in August for sure!!! But September... Amber and Chris' Bachelor party in Vegas and Wedding on 10-10-10... should be fun and amazing!! Can't wait...
Sorry about this meaningless yammering but sometimes I have to find a way to feel better of all that's happen and think that not everything is bad... there are more positive things than the negatives.
Yay for feeling better!
It all pretty much started the 2nd weekend in June.. Fun summer days...
June 12 We went to do a small demo at my son's aunt's house and it ended up being like a facial/make-up spa evening with mimosas and then they grilled food and we all had a nice evening... While Danny played with her lil Aunt Gisselle and my mom spoke to my son's Grandma Mabel. I have to say I hadn't enjoyed an evening like that in a while...
June 13 - We went to Mass in the San Gabriel Mission like we use to when we were kids and then headed to my aunt's house in Rosemead for my cousins' birthdays... Danny sure got lost their... We all got to hang out and talk and catch up...The kids played ... it's nice seeing all my aunts together...
But we still cut the evening a lil short because we stopped at my sister's Godparents house since her Godfather had been given a very limited life span left...June 19
We had a small Rally of motivation in the OC with was inspirational...
June 26
My cousin had her Sweet 16... so we went to La Puente. It was nice, I really liked her dress. So Happy family...
July 3rd was a busy, busy day... a client came over and I lil late so delayed the plans... After we left we went to Ontario to my mom's comadre's house to give her a little info and we stayed there a couple of hours. Then I went to my Friend Maria's lil girl's 3rd b-day party and stayed there for a while... then I picked up my sis in Fontana and my mom in Ontario and headed to El Monte to a friend's 25th birthday/ Graduation from her Master's program... yay her!!! Anna Orozco Sociologist
July 4th which was a bit of a disappointment...
We traditionally have a thing we do every year and almost no aunt has failed to come and much less my grandma bc it's something my grandpa had been doing for so many years....We stay here celebrate some and then would usually go to my friend's house in Bloomington but this year was so disappointing that I didn't even feel like driving the whole way down... even though I knew I was going to take the edge off and drink and spend the night but I think we all went to bed early...
July 10
My Cousin Cathy got Married with her boyfriend and my sis and I went to her reception in Uluminarias...in Monterey Park... very nice reception and very strict on people count. But got to have a drink and enjoy the time bc it was the first time all the cousin were not working ... the sad part was that my sis and I were the only representative of the Flores family... Says a lot of my dad side of the family but that's for another story... lol
July 11
it was my Aunt's birthday, Tia Sidronia (Chido) and so we were in Riverside
But my other aunt did spoil my evening a lil but I didn't let it get to me until after we left... it was the best I could do...
July 17
We went to a friend's house in Fontana... Ana Lucia... her youngest got baptized. I was able to see another friend and we got to catch up... I hadn't seen her in a while... It was mainly my friend's family except us 2 friends... but it was very enjoyable.
Next weekend.. July 24th ... it's Janeth's Wedding... I should see a lot old people from Redlands.
July 25th I have a friend who is in Mariachi Divas... her youngest turns 1yr old...but at least she lives closer... up here in Adelanto. :D So some catching up with her and see some old high school friends... she didn't really talk to many while she was in Redlands...
It seems like the only weekend free in the one after that but maybe just saturday because Sunday August 1st it's my aunt's birthday but I don't know if we're going to go to Rosemead... well if they do something then yes...
August 7th... My friend Liz Munoz lil girl'sb-day... Aries turns 4... and is going to go to school where Danny was suppose to go to school...
and during these days family comes from Minessota... which should be awesome and it's one of my dad's younger brothers who he gets along with the most. But we don't know what day exactly they're going to be here because on August 11th my mom and I leave for Denver, Colorado and wont return until Sunday August 14th... then I'm really free except for work... yay! Work starts in August for sure!!! But September... Amber and Chris' Bachelor party in Vegas and Wedding on 10-10-10... should be fun and amazing!! Can't wait...
Sorry about this meaningless yammering but sometimes I have to find a way to feel better of all that's happen and think that not everything is bad... there are more positive things than the negatives.
Yay for feeling better!
Monday, July 19, 2010
trust or idk lack of?
I honestly don't think I have felt so much distrust, disappointment, anger towards my sister as I do now. I don't know if she knows it but she is the person I do trust the most but as the years go by her distance and judgmental character has distance me further. I know she doesn't trust me BC when I ask her things she's very stand offish and she has bffs... I am the oldest sister so she trust my opinion in certain matters but I am feeling she can't see past herself as much as I would try to deny it. So over a month ago I told her I wanted her to do something with me this saturday... Make-up and hair... So this past weekend she told me she had to work and would try and get the later shift which still made me upset BC I asked her so long ago to also go to the wedding. Today she calls me and tells me she is leaving out of town to north carolina... Wtf... She can take time off work to travel but when I ask something simple IR her where she could have made money... She turns me down! Who am I suppose to turn for help is those close to be always leave me hanging? How am I suppose to be motivated to keep helping others if all I get when I need the favor in return is a slap in the face...
Oh well the hair thing is done and over with... Not doing it... Mis-communication...
Oh well the hair thing is done and over with... Not doing it... Mis-communication...
Sunday, July 18, 2010
waiting game
Let me put you on hold and see how long you'll wait for me... Well at least that's what it seems to be happening...I'm game but my timer is close to overtime! I hate waiting unless I know its worth it and so far it hasn't really been... And I do have a choice in the matter but I do what I can to get a lil attention and that's at the beginning what do You think would happen after... No real reciprocation except one word comments like "yummy" and "lol"... I say night and no response! So its safe to say a pics makes some respond but still no reciprocation and maybe I'm being tough but its annoying now! Keeping him on the clock but I'm out to find somebody more of my caliber...
Saturday, July 17, 2010
When do you feel the most confident? When do you feel the least confident?
When I was younger it was one of the things I hated the most... The only way I do feel a little more confidant is when I can still turn heads sometimes... I don't know but I feel that if there are still some who find me attractive then I can be ready to get back into dating...
When I feel less confidant it's usually when I am a bit depressed and that's when I know I unaware put up this personal shield and that's when people sometimes dislike me most... so it makes me feel so...unpretty and bitchy
working on that confidence though ;) Reyna needs to get her groove on... and not when she's over 30....
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
When I feel less confidant it's usually when I am a bit depressed and that's when I know I unaware put up this personal shield and that's when people sometimes dislike me most... so it makes me feel so...unpretty and bitchy
working on that confidence though ;) Reyna needs to get her groove on... and not when she's over 30....
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
Your Perfect Man
| Your Perfect Man |
1. Personality. Your perfect man is: (choose the most important)
Witty 2. Looks. Your perfect man is: (choose the most important) Very Tall (6'3 +) 3. Looks. Your perfect man: (choose the most important) Has medium, light hair. 4. Looks. Your perfect man has: (choose the most important) Green/Hazel eyes 5. Looks. Your perfect man: (choose the most important) Is like a teddy bear (or linebacker) 6. Looks. Your perfect man dresses: (choose the most important) Jeans and a T-Shirt 7. Occupation. Your perfect man is or on his way to be: (choose the most important) An entrepreneur/self-employed 8. Political Views. Your perfect man is: Liberal |
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What Type of Kiss Are You?
| What Type of Kiss Are You? |
Steamy and Wet Kiss |
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Friday, July 16, 2010
What kind of guys like you?
Not true but that was fun... I always tend to attract guys who would hang out with black oriented crowds or have dated black girls. Sometimes the player kind of guy... I guess I have some features that lead me to be profiled in that sense... And I guess they always come on faily strongly sexually even though I don't portray that... But I guess they so by the silent shy type that tend to hide things... which is true with me but not easy to clarify...
| What kind of guys like you? |
Preppy Guys |
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hahaha! What kind of pretty little liar are you?
| What kind of pretty little liar are you? |
| Aria |
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What kind of boyfriend or girlfriend are you?
| What kind of boyfriend or girlfriend are you? |
Independent Yet Devoted |
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relationship preferences
Relationship Preferences
What do you prefer when you get into a relationship?
1- Would you rather have a fun fling or a lasting relationship?
rather have a but if it doesn't happen a fling with suffice for now
2- What was your longest relationship?
2 yrs 11 months
3-What is your favorite personality trait?
confidance... a front that makes them make me believe they're always right... I guess it's the me wanting to be submissive
4- What is the most romantic thing a significant other could do?
just text that they're thinking about me... and hold my hand
5- When you are dating someone, what is the most important thing to you?
that they're open and look at me dirrectly in my eyes
6- Do you like pet names (ex: baby, sweetheart...)?
I use for many: babe, hun, darling... I hate using names
7- What is your ideal night out with a significant other?
something simple... ealry movie and maybe dinner staring at the stars or a picnic and stay out til late at night staring at the sky
8- What is your ideal night in with a significant other?
A cooked dinner by me... what ever they want.... and maybe the ending of the night what ever activity they have in mind how ever they want... their choice, their rules.. I'm game
9- Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn't feel it?
No...
10- Do you like relationships that invovle serious commitments?
I would want one but I don't know yet if I can commit my self... I'm fighting my self with that issue
11- If you ever got engaged, how would you want it to happen?
honestly... that way it happens was the way it was meant to happen even if it didn't go right...
12- If you were engaged, would you want a wedding as soon as possible?
no... I would have a semi long engagement... 2+ yrs
13- Do you like to talk about the future when in a serious relationship?
in a serious yes but not until it would be considered serious
14- Do you prefer a sensitive open relationship or a strong silent type?
I dont want a totally sensitive... bc I need someone very sturdy.. but the strong silent type doesn't work either... my dad is that way.
15- When in a relationship do you have to have contact with your partner on a daily basis?
impossible
16- Do you like public displays of affection?
every now and then but not so open
17- Is there anything you won't tolerate while in a relationship?
lies... I am not going to be clingy or ask things unless I am provoked and what ever I will need to know the truth no matter how painful... would safe me my time
18- What is one thing that you value most in a relationship?
trust
19- Would you ever be able to handle a long-distance situation?
by the way it seems if anything happens i might have to sort of
20- Do you believe in moving in together before engagement or marriage?
idk haven't been in that position yet and don't know what to think of the matter
http://www.pimpsurveys.com/view-survey.php?id=6871
What do you prefer when you get into a relationship?
1- Would you rather have a fun fling or a lasting relationship?
rather have a but if it doesn't happen a fling with suffice for now
2- What was your longest relationship?
2 yrs 11 months
3-What is your favorite personality trait?
confidance... a front that makes them make me believe they're always right... I guess it's the me wanting to be submissive
4- What is the most romantic thing a significant other could do?
just text that they're thinking about me... and hold my hand
5- When you are dating someone, what is the most important thing to you?
that they're open and look at me dirrectly in my eyes
6- Do you like pet names (ex: baby, sweetheart...)?
I use for many: babe, hun, darling... I hate using names
7- What is your ideal night out with a significant other?
something simple... ealry movie and maybe dinner staring at the stars or a picnic and stay out til late at night staring at the sky
8- What is your ideal night in with a significant other?
A cooked dinner by me... what ever they want.... and maybe the ending of the night what ever activity they have in mind how ever they want... their choice, their rules.. I'm game
9- Would you be able to tell someone you love them, even if you didn't feel it?
No...
10- Do you like relationships that invovle serious commitments?
I would want one but I don't know yet if I can commit my self... I'm fighting my self with that issue
11- If you ever got engaged, how would you want it to happen?
honestly... that way it happens was the way it was meant to happen even if it didn't go right...
12- If you were engaged, would you want a wedding as soon as possible?
no... I would have a semi long engagement... 2+ yrs
13- Do you like to talk about the future when in a serious relationship?
in a serious yes but not until it would be considered serious
14- Do you prefer a sensitive open relationship or a strong silent type?
I dont want a totally sensitive... bc I need someone very sturdy.. but the strong silent type doesn't work either... my dad is that way.
15- When in a relationship do you have to have contact with your partner on a daily basis?
impossible
16- Do you like public displays of affection?
every now and then but not so open
17- Is there anything you won't tolerate while in a relationship?
lies... I am not going to be clingy or ask things unless I am provoked and what ever I will need to know the truth no matter how painful... would safe me my time
18- What is one thing that you value most in a relationship?
trust
19- Would you ever be able to handle a long-distance situation?
by the way it seems if anything happens i might have to sort of
20- Do you believe in moving in together before engagement or marriage?
idk haven't been in that position yet and don't know what to think of the matter
http://www.pimpsurveys.com/view-survey.php?id=6871
Why couldn't it be true...
Had this dream last night that when I woke up I was a bit disappointed... well I am not sure but I sure as hell would have made me a happier person but I guess that is stupid... I don't remember all of it but bits and pieces...
So it took place in place full of dirt and some grass here there... a brown gate right before a body of water...not sure if a lake or maybe some sort of a river...
Anyways there was quite a bit of people who were probably friends but right now I only remember one at the beginning... So this friend who I have known for quite a while well he was laying down on a car... and so I go and sit and lay down next to the car. When I do that he starts to act stupid... And started throwing big round yellow lemons. A few came to me and I would crush them and throw each one that came my way into the water... There was another girl there who supposedly everybody knew but my sis's bff claimed she knew her the best... I can't remember the name right now. But she came was fell asleep next to me and mind you everybody kept laying how attractive she was and idk know what else... but she was talking to me ... it's a blur... it was during the day time.
So my friend and I were talking to this other friend and they had to go...so we were left alone. And we finally got to talk a bit more... I don't know how things happened but we started making out and then after a lot of that...
I guess it was inferred that we were a couple now... mind you it was with the same setting... and knowing that I had been talking to this other guy I've been talking to... and in my mind in my dream... I told my self that he just took to long and I was happy with my decision...
So I asked my guy friend... "why did it take you so long?" and she started counting from Dec... and said it hadn't been long just 9months... which left me unsure... I said ok and we would keep making out ... until my mom said that we had to go... I think he had left in some truck and went back... my mom kept pressuring me so we kissed again and I left him... so I go to the car and there was this guy in the back seat... Michael hanson and his dad was in the front seat... so they tell me... you took a long time... didn't wanna stop huh? And then I ask my mom if she was going and she said no not anymore and left...
random and weird but I can say those kisses were quite amazing too bad they aren't real... When I woke up reality felt empty without those lips... hahaha...
I guess life is funny that way sometimes things aren't meant to be... but I did enjoy the dream while it lasted...
So it took place in place full of dirt and some grass here there... a brown gate right before a body of water...not sure if a lake or maybe some sort of a river...
Anyways there was quite a bit of people who were probably friends but right now I only remember one at the beginning... So this friend who I have known for quite a while well he was laying down on a car... and so I go and sit and lay down next to the car. When I do that he starts to act stupid... And started throwing big round yellow lemons. A few came to me and I would crush them and throw each one that came my way into the water... There was another girl there who supposedly everybody knew but my sis's bff claimed she knew her the best... I can't remember the name right now. But she came was fell asleep next to me and mind you everybody kept laying how attractive she was and idk know what else... but she was talking to me ... it's a blur... it was during the day time.
So my friend and I were talking to this other friend and they had to go...so we were left alone. And we finally got to talk a bit more... I don't know how things happened but we started making out and then after a lot of that...
I guess it was inferred that we were a couple now... mind you it was with the same setting... and knowing that I had been talking to this other guy I've been talking to... and in my mind in my dream... I told my self that he just took to long and I was happy with my decision... So I asked my guy friend... "why did it take you so long?" and she started counting from Dec... and said it hadn't been long just 9months... which left me unsure... I said ok and we would keep making out ... until my mom said that we had to go... I think he had left in some truck and went back... my mom kept pressuring me so we kissed again and I left him... so I go to the car and there was this guy in the back seat... Michael hanson and his dad was in the front seat... so they tell me... you took a long time... didn't wanna stop huh? And then I ask my mom if she was going and she said no not anymore and left...
random and weird but I can say those kisses were quite amazing too bad they aren't real... When I woke up reality felt empty without those lips... hahaha...
I guess life is funny that way sometimes things aren't meant to be... but I did enjoy the dream while it lasted...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Alone
Well here I sit in the heat of the outside of a Starbucks... I came since there is no where I can really go and well it's fresh in there but guess what? it's full inside and it doesn't seem s like anybody is leaving anytime soon....
Unlike what people may think ; I am here Alone and yet again... alone... I guess its the only thing I can truly rely on- being alone... it seems likes its my only company. Every where I go... it's weird but I am not one who does well making new friends but I am truly loyal to the ones I have. They might feel as though the years have made us all grow apart but quite honestly they will always be the ones I would drop what ever...I guess it goes back to the point where I try for people to rely on me but not all do... and therefore I am stuck a lone...
I can't really find anybody for my self because its selfish and somewhat of a betrayal. How could I think of my self in these hard times. It would be abandoning those who love me or had given me what I have and have helped in my moments of despration... I call it manipulation that I can't get rid off bc I would be an ingrate... you know where I am gearing towards... a single old lady with nothing to look forward to in life. HOw does it feel to have to sneak around to finally have the change to meet somebody and talk to them. How do I feel having to create lies and not feel it's enough to have a child and be housebound forever. Is it bad to feel I should have privacy and if I want to stay 2 days locked in my room... I should be able to. I think that I've earned at least that...
I am told they they do everything for me but I see it the otherway... I guess different point of view. Life is hard all around... I don't even own my real car... everybody has more time than I have in total. I've had my car for 4yrs and 1/2 and only have used it for 1 and 1/2 yrs... yea 3 yrs not me...
You know and I have thought about the whole dating websites but it's just easy to reject everybody there. It really is and well it's easy to reject in person but the thing is I don't know how to meet people. That's my problem and well that's almost not the whole problem... the problem is that I can't leave by my self. I can't leave my son at home because then the question would be where are you going? What time are you going to be back? Why don't you take Danny? ... I can't tell them about dating because they feel like I am already leaving them with a responsibility and I am not being responsible... You see why I get depressed thinking about trying to make something work?
And you know what at some point I think I will have to do that.... sadly... I don't think it's abandoning my parents but setting them free... I am going to kill my self if I am not out of there by 28. At that point I will not care what I do but I know I will travel or leave for weekends or something because I gained a responsibility I wasn't ready for and I since I already had all the other responsibility... they futher obtained a rope and tide me down.... Yeah, I know it can sound drastic but it's not... I have a lil freedom once a week and that's bc I come down to Fontana to teach and I try my best to relax and forget about it all... but I am still stuck without being able to do anything with my spare time since no one is available at early times... And the more time I spend time alone the more I depress my self... I want an escape... and I trap my self more and more.... there is no way out and then with that my room consumes me more and more...
Geez, That's why I told him to have patience... but I didn't stop either... I unbalance my self with this kind of stuff... and here I am again feeling lonely... I can be a freakin roller coaster unless you understand me well...
I should like slit my throat and stop complaining about nothingness huh?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
I realize I did try... why did I lie to my self...
And I was going to try today but then I started thinking... He did innitiate at the beginning and never at one point did I make him feel bad ... all I did was give him hope and still manage to keep it going. I did everything in my power to try and see him and he cancelled twice on me and left me hanging on the third. Last week a rescheduled my schedule so I could have seen him. I think I've done more than enough of my share to see him and made my part equal... Sure I don't send him a text everyday but just as he would tell me he was thinking about me I would do the same. The whole weekend he didnt speak to me last time he was in a rave and flirting with some chicks on fb but I didn't care... he can do what ever for now... or they were flirting with him... idk idc...
So last night I send him a a message and asked how his say was "busy" great can you elaborate... right...
So I told him to have a good night and sweet dreams... "k" ... nice... So happy he couldn't shorted those words out anymore...
I do get tired of bs... I'm not going to send him anything... if he wants to then maybe I'll be here just like I was 2 &1/2 yrs later...if not... I will not say I didn't try... I thought I didn't put in enough effort but you know what I did...it's just that I accuse my self of not doing enough when I do try... I at least deserve the credit.... don't care about the title... Don't care about the sex...I don't care about anything... I think we all have feelings and it's only right if their mutual and if they're not oh well move on and life goes on...at this point there is no need for tears for nothing that hasn't been... Had my shares of let downs but nothing can impact me as long as I don't let it to...
If you want... let's play again... if you're done with what you wanted to get... Game over...
I wanted somebody to be connected to and someone that would be able to please me as well... I can find people who can please me without the connect but I don't want that... then I have to really do odd things... life should be this difficult but we make it so...
So last night I send him a a message and asked how his say was "busy" great can you elaborate... right...
So I told him to have a good night and sweet dreams... "k" ... nice... So happy he couldn't shorted those words out anymore...
I do get tired of bs... I'm not going to send him anything... if he wants to then maybe I'll be here just like I was 2 &1/2 yrs later...if not... I will not say I didn't try... I thought I didn't put in enough effort but you know what I did...it's just that I accuse my self of not doing enough when I do try... I at least deserve the credit.... don't care about the title... Don't care about the sex...I don't care about anything... I think we all have feelings and it's only right if their mutual and if they're not oh well move on and life goes on...at this point there is no need for tears for nothing that hasn't been... Had my shares of let downs but nothing can impact me as long as I don't let it to...
If you want... let's play again... if you're done with what you wanted to get... Game over...
I wanted somebody to be connected to and someone that would be able to please me as well... I can find people who can please me without the connect but I don't want that... then I have to really do odd things... life should be this difficult but we make it so...
Monday, July 12, 2010
happy stars lead tto being bummed
If ever there is something that gives me hope it's the unknown of the stars. I don't know why but the comfort of the peaceful night... the quiet or better yet the silence and the gleaming stars that night after night continue to shine. It's something I learned from my dad, how to appreciate the beauty in the inexplicable wonders of the world. I can seriously lay under the stars and stare forever. It has always given me this imitation of what love feels like but I have never had the opportunity to really share them with anybody. I am not really of an outdoor person... I use to be but you know disillusionment of life happens... but I would still love to go to a cabin for a weekend get away and let the stars guide me to what ever. I think that its the only thing that has always manage to give me the warmth feeling even when everything else is going wrong....
And here I sit thinking about this guy and he only gives me one-word answers...
The most annoying thing in the world is one-word answers... I hate them... bc that means they're not even trying... I try to do a leading question so he can have room to elaborate and nothing....How do I try and give somebody a chance if when I want to talk to them they're never there... I don't know but I last week we had a good time, I guess... Maybe he got what he wanted and he's going to leave me hanging like I did to him like 3 years ago? I know I shouldn't be saying it and I guess maybe I should let time take it's course but I like to know what is going on. I guess there are things I can't control. I guess there were things I had control over... but then life would be boring... right... Damn! I know I have to wait and even though I don't want to I am going to have to anythings... so why am I whining? See I don't know if I can do the same thing he did at the beginning or if he will find it annoying... or clingy. I don't like to be clingy... I like to give him his space so he can do what he wants but at the beginning he would text me everyday... and we would talk most of the day about nothingness... but he doesn't do it anymore and when he stopped I sort of did too but I still kept constant. I don't text him every day because it would be too much or is it? then I start to think that bc I didn't do it like he did maybe he thinks I'm not interested... i don't know... I can honestly say that I don't understand guys anymore... I am confused and I don't know how to act, react... How do I send him something without it having to be a picture that might excite him but something where he will still think of me and want to initiate a conversation? I hate doing all the work... I always do it and I get no where... life story!! I want to be notice, I want to be wanted... I need affection or to know that he's thinking about me... if he's not... so I can find another or someone who will keep me preoccupied... idk, lol jk. after writing this I almost want to go look at the stars for more hope bc I am totally bummed...
*sigh*
I can honestly say it's time to bring someone home but how I see him, he wouldn't be it but only time can tell, I certainly can't... Maybe I am being dumb but that's what I do think...happy
And here I sit thinking about this guy and he only gives me one-word answers...
The most annoying thing in the world is one-word answers... I hate them... bc that means they're not even trying... I try to do a leading question so he can have room to elaborate and nothing....How do I try and give somebody a chance if when I want to talk to them they're never there... I don't know but I last week we had a good time, I guess... Maybe he got what he wanted and he's going to leave me hanging like I did to him like 3 years ago? I know I shouldn't be saying it and I guess maybe I should let time take it's course but I like to know what is going on. I guess there are things I can't control. I guess there were things I had control over... but then life would be boring... right... Damn! I know I have to wait and even though I don't want to I am going to have to anythings... so why am I whining? See I don't know if I can do the same thing he did at the beginning or if he will find it annoying... or clingy. I don't like to be clingy... I like to give him his space so he can do what he wants but at the beginning he would text me everyday... and we would talk most of the day about nothingness... but he doesn't do it anymore and when he stopped I sort of did too but I still kept constant. I don't text him every day because it would be too much or is it? then I start to think that bc I didn't do it like he did maybe he thinks I'm not interested... i don't know... I can honestly say that I don't understand guys anymore... I am confused and I don't know how to act, react... How do I send him something without it having to be a picture that might excite him but something where he will still think of me and want to initiate a conversation? I hate doing all the work... I always do it and I get no where... life story!!
I want to be notice, I want to be wanted... I need affection or to know that he's thinking about me... if he's not... so I can find another or someone who will keep me preoccupied... idk, lol jk. after writing this I almost want to go look at the stars for more hope bc I am totally bummed...*sigh*
I can honestly say it's time to bring someone home but how I see him, he wouldn't be it
but only time can tell, I certainly can't... Maybe I am being dumb but that's what I do think...happy
We are compatible
Capricorn + Taurus
Earth + Earth = Solid Ground
Your earthy, practical side resonates very well with the matter-of-fact Taurean. Overall the two of you are very like-minded. Same elements of the zodiac always have a lot going for them and this is a great start to a relationship. As you are both earth elements, you will have a very solid grounding together. Straight away you will see a lot of yourself in each other.
You’re both quite traditional, and because of this you’ll respect each other. You can depend on Taurus, and working as a team, in very practical ways, will be the focus of your partnership. Taurus will make you feel secure, because they are just as ambitious as you and also place great importance on worldly achievement.
There’s a very strong possibility of joining forces with them to increase your chances of success. You seem to have a natural understanding of how the other wants to do things. This is why you can accomplish a lot together. And once you show your love for Taurus, there’s nothing they won’t do to support your endeavours.
You’re a changeable sign, and quite likely to try new things and experiment; Taurus finds it hard to let go of the tried and tested. For the relationship to stand a chance, Taurus must learn to trust you. Without trust it will flounder. This is the case with all relationships, of course, but with Taurus the issue is even more important.
The sexual side of this combination may fall short of the mark for a while. Because you’re serious and somewhat withdrawn, Taurus won’t at first fully understand how to fulfil your sensual needs. But if they pay some serious attention in the bedroom, things will work out fine.
Taureans who are born between 11 May and 21 May will be easily the most compatible with you, because they are co-ruled by your own planet, Saturn. They won’t seem difficult to get on with. They have similar material and financial goals, which gives you a great meeting ground.
I did notice that his biggest issue does have a lot to do with trusting people and what seems like now... he trusts me somewhat more than he would most people of course not speaking of his friends. I was trusted enough to receive pics of him and his daughter which I didn't understand why at the very beginning he sent me a pic of his daughter to introduce her to me but I get it now. Besides, people in his FB keep asking him to post a pic of his daughter but he isn't willing to bc he doesn't feel it's appropriate in his page for other people or random people to see. Which now makes me feel quite privileged. The sex part I guess I'll be willing to give it a chance... idk but surprisingly this matches him well to what I have gotten to know... the only wrong thing is that that I am not a serious person about sex that might... I love to have fun and enjoy every minute of it... but we'll see if this even works...
oh well mom
So I have been into reading supposal conspiracy theories and what not so I showed my mom one of them... well it's all about one big one... so anyways.... She started telling me that's it's all garbage and that I am going to be brainwashed and whatnot. So I just smiled and thought what ever... Then later on we were sitting in the living room and she started telling me that she has known about a lot of this stuff since she was little bc her grandmother would tell her things... you know old people who are paranoid but then she told me that I needed to stop looking of them with my computer bc they can see everything... I know they can... All traces are recorded through my company... and blah... so I smiled bc I know... and I know... so she said well do this for your son then... if you really love him...
With my IP address people can know... my location is online... internet is amazing but very trapping... I just found it funny how at the end she said it can be true... bc she knows about a lot of persecution... in the catholic religion and it just makes sense but she agreed and now she is scared...
Well life is life and what ever happens will happen... in unavoidable sadly but true....
With my IP address people can know... my location is online... internet is amazing but very trapping... I just found it funny how at the end she said it can be true... bc she knows about a lot of persecution... in the catholic religion and it just makes sense but she agreed and now she is scared...
Well life is life and what ever happens will happen... in unavoidable sadly but true....
What defines a person as a "whore"?
I am going to sort of do a continuation of the last blog but since it's a different subject acquired within I didn't want to put it with the last...
"ignorant people give nice people like me a bad name..." So, I was pretty disappointed or upset or what ever it was... but a mixture of emotions which I still wasn't able to convey with anger like I would have wanted but I guess that's what allows me to be more mature. So Like I mentioned in the last blog and maybe somebody didn't catch it or idc but I did sleep with this guy... How many is this now? hmmm.... "Where can I be going with this stupid question?"
So this guy that I am talking to we had spoken in our past and we did have an encounter... putting it nicely... he's a guy in my past that wants to be in my present... Ok!
The issue in hand was that yesterday a person that is supposedly close (mainly blood) told me that people are talking... so I asked who... and they just shrugged it off "just people" ... they're saying that I've been sleeping around with men....
Well gee thanks... I always wanted people to think that I am single so I can be a fucking whore in your eyes... great! I really do appreciated this and thanks for telling me...
I always felt the family thought of me as a responsible person, who hasn't had time to find a person because I concentrate on teaching, helping my mom out after her car accident and brain surgery, and because my son needs a lot of attention but I guess being a "whore" is just as great....
So my question now is what defines a "whore"?
Is it somebody who sleeps with people she knows or random people and it doesn't matter who....
Or maybe a person who takes the money...
Or is there a specific number that you have to go over that makes you a whore...
See I don't get it? Well I get the "whore" part but I still don't get it... Am I that transparent....
Clarification, I posed a question earlier- "How many is this now?" Meaning how many people have I slept with...
The answer is 2... I don't sleep with random people... I don't take money from people and it's 2. I think a person would only mainly have some interaction with people they are connected to in some form... Two people who have manage to somehow give me something to add to my life that makes me feel warmth... the first one was my son's father... past and now it's this other person... I was keeping everybody out and I have a right to find somebody that will make me happy, it's my right as a person... "life, liberty and a pursuit to happiness" just as started in the Declaration of Independence...My rights as a citizen....
When I heard what was being said... I know I don't need to know who it is or how many are saying it... it's not like I haven't found out how trust worthy they all are... Like I've told people before... I am just "reliable Reyna and that's it"... When they need something the only person they can or have count(ed) on is me... Including grandma, aunts, parents, cousins, brothers and sister... I have been there for all of them and extended family... when they need me I manage to find a way no matter what or how hard that makes it for me...but I had the false illusion that that's what you're suppose to do for a family member and friends... Maybe I am wrong because I don't deserve what they say... and to be honest I don't need to explain my self to them either but it still hurts...
Maybe I deserve this... maybe it's a way for me to open my eyes... When I was younger my mom called me this too and I hadn't even had a bf or dated anybody in my life... I was so pure and hearing accusations... I don't get why people say anything like that... is it that they want to physically see me with somebody... why spread rumors... why create lies... sleeping around... more than once that I am with somebody's husband... I don't know... but do I really look like a person of that stature but that's a stupid question bc obviously since those things keep following me. Nothing makes sense but it never gets easier... never...
You know what's the only thing that makes me feel better... God sees all... He knows all and whatever happen(s)/(ned) but I am the only one who has to worry when my Judgment Day comes... that day... I don't have to say anything to anybody else but HIM...
"ignorant people give nice people like me a bad name..." So, I was pretty disappointed or upset or what ever it was... but a mixture of emotions which I still wasn't able to convey with anger like I would have wanted but I guess that's what allows me to be more mature. So Like I mentioned in the last blog and maybe somebody didn't catch it or idc but I did sleep with this guy... How many is this now? hmmm.... "Where can I be going with this stupid question?"
So this guy that I am talking to we had spoken in our past and we did have an encounter... putting it nicely... he's a guy in my past that wants to be in my present... Ok!
The issue in hand was that yesterday a person that is supposedly close (mainly blood) told me that people are talking... so I asked who... and they just shrugged it off "just people" ... they're saying that I've been sleeping around with men....
Well gee thanks... I always wanted people to think that I am single so I can be a fucking whore in your eyes... great! I really do appreciated this and thanks for telling me...
I always felt the family thought of me as a responsible person, who hasn't had time to find a person because I concentrate on teaching, helping my mom out after her car accident and brain surgery, and because my son needs a lot of attention but I guess being a "whore" is just as great....
So my question now is what defines a "whore"?
Is it somebody who sleeps with people she knows or random people and it doesn't matter who....
Or maybe a person who takes the money...
Or is there a specific number that you have to go over that makes you a whore...
See I don't get it? Well I get the "whore" part but I still don't get it... Am I that transparent....
Clarification, I posed a question earlier- "How many is this now?" Meaning how many people have I slept with...
The answer is 2... I don't sleep with random people... I don't take money from people and it's 2. I think a person would only mainly have some interaction with people they are connected to in some form... Two people who have manage to somehow give me something to add to my life that makes me feel warmth... the first one was my son's father... past and now it's this other person... I was keeping everybody out and I have a right to find somebody that will make me happy, it's my right as a person... "life, liberty and a pursuit to happiness" just as started in the Declaration of Independence...My rights as a citizen....
When I heard what was being said... I know I don't need to know who it is or how many are saying it... it's not like I haven't found out how trust worthy they all are... Like I've told people before... I am just "reliable Reyna and that's it"... When they need something the only person they can or have count(ed) on is me... Including grandma, aunts, parents, cousins, brothers and sister... I have been there for all of them and extended family... when they need me I manage to find a way no matter what or how hard that makes it for me...but I had the false illusion that that's what you're suppose to do for a family member and friends... Maybe I am wrong because I don't deserve what they say... and to be honest I don't need to explain my self to them either but it still hurts...
Maybe I deserve this... maybe it's a way for me to open my eyes... When I was younger my mom called me this too and I hadn't even had a bf or dated anybody in my life... I was so pure and hearing accusations... I don't get why people say anything like that... is it that they want to physically see me with somebody... why spread rumors... why create lies... sleeping around... more than once that I am with somebody's husband... I don't know... but do I really look like a person of that stature but that's a stupid question bc obviously since those things keep following me. Nothing makes sense but it never gets easier... never...
You know what's the only thing that makes me feel better... God sees all... He knows all and whatever happen(s)/(ned) but I am the only one who has to worry when my Judgment Day comes... that day... I don't have to say anything to anybody else but HIM...
Does a guy really think...
Does a guy really think that the pull-out method is a form of birth control or would be only be doing that because his penis thinks it feels better not to wear a coat?
Anyways, So I was with the guy I've been talking to last week and well you know one thing leads to another and there we are... in a compromising act or whatever. And well he obviously wants to keep going and I didn't let him.
And do they really think we're sometimes a lil "dumb-ed" out by pleasure that we'll let them do whatever? I don't think so... I am a single mom and there is no way I am going to jeopardize my caged freedom I already have.
Anyways, So I tell him do you have a condom... and he was like yea but over there and tried to proceed... so I moved... and I'm sorry but a intense part of a situation will still not drive me to do something and have to pay for the consequences later... been there done that...
I know it's not wrong and it probably ruined his mood a little but can we as women sometimes we so stupid as to let our emotions drive as to do something and then what happens? We're pregnant... and what do we do? We're not going to stop dating people just because we're going to get FN preggos with every guy you meet... you might be a "whore" if you have sex with all of them ... but now the main reason why I was thinking about this was responsibility.
Facts: I am a mom. It's still not a stable relationship.
Ok with that said... Do guys know that their pre-cum can sometimes have a stronger concentrate of lil soldiers?... I'm sorry but I don't want to be pregnant and I am not going to let you walk in unprotected but that's just me. I am not a free person... I may be 25 and have a child but I am more caged than some might seem... I am controlled and surveillance... almost... yeah I am trapped. But, that doesn't mean I don't get out to work when I teach. It's not my son who house-bounds me but other things and it's more of a commitment to helping bc nobody else is willing to do it so it becomes my responsibility.
I am ready to make a commitment with a person but only time will tell what things lead to and beside dating is like the domino effect when people see people single they seem to think that there is something wrong with you but when you start dating more people will be willing to date you too... odd way to put it but yeah it's true. So where I am going that when its time to move on and I know it's time to leave the nest because they'll be ok I will. I just need someone to show me they'll be willing to do the same for me. idk but I think it's a compromise... and not a give, give situation when you'll be left with nothing in the end...
Anyways, So I was with the guy I've been talking to last week and well you know one thing leads to another and there we are... in a compromising act or whatever. And well he obviously wants to keep going and I didn't let him.
And do they really think we're sometimes a lil "dumb-ed" out by pleasure that we'll let them do whatever? I don't think so... I am a single mom and there is no way I am going to jeopardize my caged freedom I already have.
Anyways, So I tell him do you have a condom... and he was like yea but over there and tried to proceed... so I moved... and I'm sorry but a intense part of a situation will still not drive me to do something and have to pay for the consequences later... been there done that...
I know it's not wrong and it probably ruined his mood a little but can we as women sometimes we so stupid as to let our emotions drive as to do something and then what happens? We're pregnant... and what do we do? We're not going to stop dating people just because we're going to get FN preggos with every guy you meet... you might be a "whore" if you have sex with all of them ... but now the main reason why I was thinking about this was responsibility.
Facts: I am a mom. It's still not a stable relationship.
Ok with that said... Do guys know that their pre-cum can sometimes have a stronger concentrate of lil soldiers?... I'm sorry but I don't want to be pregnant and I am not going to let you walk in unprotected but that's just me. I am not a free person... I may be 25 and have a child but I am more caged than some might seem... I am controlled and surveillance... almost... yeah I am trapped. But, that doesn't mean I don't get out to work when I teach. It's not my son who house-bounds me but other things and it's more of a commitment to helping bc nobody else is willing to do it so it becomes my responsibility.
I am ready to make a commitment with a person but only time will tell what things lead to and beside dating is like the domino effect when people see people single they seem to think that there is something wrong with you but when you start dating more people will be willing to date you too... odd way to put it but yeah it's true. So where I am going that when its time to move on and I know it's time to leave the nest because they'll be ok I will. I just need someone to show me they'll be willing to do the same for me. idk but I think it's a compromise... and not a give, give situation when you'll be left with nothing in the end...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Well just found out they all like the same... ok
Except a little different...
Life is interesting and we all work on impulses... well oh well that's how things are...
Semi enjoyable and still blah.... I guess I got what I wanted but it's still not what I need...
I should be happy and I guess I kind of am... but, also, we can't have it all, right...
Need a lot of time to figure things out... Sometimes you can tell if there is a potential but even though sometimes you can't I guess there needs to be a chance... Or see where it can go if anywhere but a bed...
We all get so tired of waiting for ever for that person to decide if they want to make it move and many times it's too late sadly... but I would still drop it all... or idk
It sucks when the paths don't cross the way you want them to but it's a matter of life; if they're suppose to meet they will.
I hate thinking of life as a game the more and more I grow the more it becomes so obvious... The hiding and the seeking and all the other games... the luck, you need to have to start with some happiness... and the losing to feel like crap...
I don't know where I am... I know I have won something but I still don't feel like a winner... So if I have everything I want in life, then what is missing... I think there lies my biggest problem... I need something and I haven't found it yet... but I am blind-foldedly looking and not getting anywhere bc I don't know what it is...
Where do you find what you don't know? Everything gives me a short term happiness... I guess keep stumbling until I fall on my face and it will be that more than likely I wont know what it is even if it hits me in the face like in 2004...
Except a little different...
Life is interesting and we all work on impulses... well oh well that's how things are...
Semi enjoyable and still blah.... I guess I got what I wanted but it's still not what I need...
I should be happy and I guess I kind of am... but, also, we can't have it all, right...
Need a lot of time to figure things out... Sometimes you can tell if there is a potential but even though sometimes you can't I guess there needs to be a chance... Or see where it can go if anywhere but a bed...
We all get so tired of waiting for ever for that person to decide if they want to make it move and many times it's too late sadly... but I would still drop it all... or idk
It sucks when the paths don't cross the way you want them to but it's a matter of life; if they're suppose to meet they will.
I hate thinking of life as a game the more and more I grow the more it becomes so obvious... The hiding and the seeking and all the other games... the luck, you need to have to start with some happiness... and the losing to feel like crap...
I don't know where I am... I know I have won something but I still don't feel like a winner... So if I have everything I want in life, then what is missing... I think there lies my biggest problem... I need something and I haven't found it yet... but I am blind-foldedly looking and not getting anywhere bc I don't know what it is...
Where do you find what you don't know? Everything gives me a short term happiness... I guess keep stumbling until I fall on my face and it will be that more than likely I wont know what it is even if it hits me in the face like in 2004...
Monday, July 5, 2010
What I've learned with experiences...
I guess like everything we just need to patient and stop running until we hit a wall. I guess that is my problem but I am working on it slowly. I like to believe there is always good in people but I don't believe that. I always prepare for the worst in hopes that I AM WRONG but life has thought me that I am not proven wrong. Now that is truly sad... Oh well... we all just keep doing whatever works for us all... I use to really trust people believing they were good and the deception always broke me more and more apart to the point I had no idea who I was but I'm no little girl anymore. I cannot be lied to so easily anymore. I guess the great thing of life is that we all learn life lesson and grow up with the experiences....
I can't expect anything from any one even and more so if they were a partner. I can't allow my self to be so incompetent as to allow my self to just be a tool. I just still be an active member of society because life has taught all or most of us that nothing last forever. What happens when you are left with kids to take care of and you don't know how to earn money and you have no one to depend on? What happens then? Live life like it's your last and live life as if you were a single parent: working hard for yourself and for your children... your partner is their own person and if they did the same thing... you would understand so much more... I think!
I can't expect anything from any one even and more so if they were a partner. I can't allow my self to be so incompetent as to allow my self to just be a tool. I just still be an active member of society because life has taught all or most of us that nothing last forever. What happens when you are left with kids to take care of and you don't know how to earn money and you have no one to depend on? What happens then? Live life like it's your last and live life as if you were a single parent: working hard for yourself and for your children... your partner is their own person and if they did the same thing... you would understand so much more... I think!
Friday, July 2, 2010
anxious
I know we as women shouldn't jump the gun and start assuming before anything is true and besides everybody nowadays is always so busy anyways. Since he tried skyping, the night I fell asleep early, after he didn't show up he hasn't tried contacting me. Now, I am starting to feel guilty and I know I do this... you know over analyzing things when I know I shouldn't. No message no nothing but I don't want to be the first to send him a message. I guess it's the first time in life when I have had the need to feel a lil pride. I am always the type of girl who has been walked all over, told what to do and so on... for once I would like him to try again, well that is if he wants. But, I don't know...
He can be thinking the same thing about me contacting him first but from the get go there was a purpose which hasn't become the objective according to his schedule so us actually meeting and talking is secondary to his objective so if he's actually serious we will find out. I would really like to talk to him but I will hold back and wait... *sigh*
He can be thinking the same thing about me contacting him first but from the get go there was a purpose which hasn't become the objective according to his schedule so us actually meeting and talking is secondary to his objective so if he's actually serious we will find out. I would really like to talk to him but I will hold back and wait... *sigh*
Thursday, July 1, 2010
same story different person
So I finally got to speak to a friend Maria after years...we caught up in life and we're in the same boat somehow. Well same but different. She has a child like I do... came back from Iraq and got married but now is unhappily married and well you know where that leads... She actually wants to finish school so she can go and become and officer for the Marines but she is still deciding since it would mean she would have to leave her daughter behind for a year.
Anyways, we were talking a little of the past. More so of how there was a guy in our pasts who then we really didn't know who they were (well we did know them but in the sense of how much they meant to us) but they liked us and well with our insecurities of shit happening in our lives during those moments we didn't come to realize how much they actually meant to us. Now, and we're both talking and learning this about each other... now we realize that everything that we were seeking in a man is there in that one guy we just didn't give a chance to which regrettably is too late. But we don't lose hope but more than likely if our trying to reach out in a way isn't enough then all we can do is keep moving forward and trying dating a schmuck that stands us up... idk...
I think that for she and I we both had to learn a little more about life, patience, understanding, love to understand that we were blind back then to let them go so easily but if we both would have dated those guys then we sadly would have probably not understood their worth and maybe even broken their hearts. We both may have to some degree devastated them but I think that that's a lot better than if we would have actually messed with their heart. We were too young at that moment to understand all the crap that we had in our own lives much less give attention to theirs.
Sometimes sadly, we get in the same page as a person the moment they move on to the next one. And well life always keeps moving forward. Just because we have these guys we think of constantly or wonder how they are... doesn't mean our lives stop going. We just need to keep going until either our paths cross again and if they don't there will be someone with those great qualities somewhere else.
Just as they didn't wait and life just kept going, I think we both have one child and we deserve happiness too... we can't expect someone to love and take us in so easily but we all have a long life...well at least we hope.
Only God knows and He will guide us unto happiness.. It's just a matter of 2 people being on the same level at the same time. It doesn't always happen but it happens more often than we realize. I haven't been on the same page with anyone for most of my life... I think I just give it a try and see what God gives me to choose from... I need to test the waters anyways... But in the back of my mind ... he is still my first thought and sometimes the last one... but life is weird... It's not like I can directly tell anyone that, they would think psycho.. jk but sometimes things get weird... If he has never felt like I do then I prefer a nice friendship for life ... life is simple; we're the only ones who complicate it so much.
Anyways, we were talking a little of the past. More so of how there was a guy in our pasts who then we really didn't know who they were (well we did know them but in the sense of how much they meant to us) but they liked us and well with our insecurities of shit happening in our lives during those moments we didn't come to realize how much they actually meant to us. Now, and we're both talking and learning this about each other... now we realize that everything that we were seeking in a man is there in that one guy we just didn't give a chance to which regrettably is too late. But we don't lose hope but more than likely if our trying to reach out in a way isn't enough then all we can do is keep moving forward and trying dating a schmuck that stands us up... idk...
I think that for she and I we both had to learn a little more about life, patience, understanding, love to understand that we were blind back then to let them go so easily but if we both would have dated those guys then we sadly would have probably not understood their worth and maybe even broken their hearts. We both may have to some degree devastated them but I think that that's a lot better than if we would have actually messed with their heart. We were too young at that moment to understand all the crap that we had in our own lives much less give attention to theirs.
Sometimes sadly, we get in the same page as a person the moment they move on to the next one. And well life always keeps moving forward. Just because we have these guys we think of constantly or wonder how they are... doesn't mean our lives stop going. We just need to keep going until either our paths cross again and if they don't there will be someone with those great qualities somewhere else.
Just as they didn't wait and life just kept going, I think we both have one child and we deserve happiness too... we can't expect someone to love and take us in so easily but we all have a long life...well at least we hope.
Only God knows and He will guide us unto happiness.. It's just a matter of 2 people being on the same level at the same time. It doesn't always happen but it happens more often than we realize. I haven't been on the same page with anyone for most of my life... I think I just give it a try and see what God gives me to choose from... I need to test the waters anyways... But in the back of my mind ... he is still my first thought and sometimes the last one... but life is weird... It's not like I can directly tell anyone that, they would think psycho.. jk but sometimes things get weird... If he has never felt like I do then I prefer a nice friendship for life ... life is simple; we're the only ones who complicate it so much.
stood up
Yeah, well there has to be an excuse... I am sure there probably is and he probably... wait no I am sure he didn't show. People and their wanting chances and shit but when you give it to them... they do what? Fuck up, that's what. He wanted to skype the night before I ended up being too tired after Danny finally fell asleep like almost midnight. I usually don't have time until after danny is knocked out. And he didn't respond until 4 which means he probably went into work at 6... I don't know... during the day he said that we weren't going to meet for the music thing instead he wanted to meet, talk and plan... ok... He asked if I would wait which annoyed already I said yes. I had a lesson that day which was over by 1pm... do you know how much time I had to kill... fucking shit! So I manage to hang out with a friend (which is another story) and we just talked for a while...I went to go do some errands and took my sweet time doing them too...like an hour or a lil more... and then I headed to the starbucks... I manage I can kill time there... use the internet and what not and just wait until 7 when we're suppose to meet. I got there at 6 and sent him a message at which one I was going to be... I don't know where he lives but I know the vicinity and very close...He put ok... I sent him a message an hour before and I think if I'm not being generous that it's enough time to tell me you're running fucking late, seriously. So I was in starbucks and it was so freaking cold... i was shivering but stayed there and wasted time. So it was 7:47 and I decided he was a no show...I can't wait for some stupid guy when I have shit to do at home and worse that it takes me an hour or so there... As I was in the car he sends me a message asking where I was ... So I put heading home... so he put "dam ok" like I'm going to sit around and wait. I actually wanted to leave before that but I was hoping... hoping in vain... He said he had just gotten out... of what, work? Probably not... he probably went to a buddy's house and time just flew off his hands... And he said he would make up to me... How is he suppose to make it up to me if he didn't even have the courtesy to inform me form the beginning...Even if he send me a message at 7saying hey I am running late... I wont be able to make it... at least I would have thought... I knew this was going to happen... which I did but I didn't think he wouldn't say anything until I was leaving... I had a gut feeling he was not going to show but I was hoping he was...
The ride home I was mad... I was ... so upset I had to get a fucking cig to relax... you know how long it's been since i've needed a cig.... months and mostly I've given them away... I've smoked like 3 since like march... and those were like 2 then... 1 me and another we all shared... I had to smoke to relax or I would have been even more so furious... I guess what I couldn't find a lighter...fucking pissed.... So I stopped in some gas station on my way up on highway 138-palmdale just to get a light... it started doing it's job but wasn't enough this time... I guess I was really upset... So upset that when i got home I had an upset stomach... I wanted to throw up... I guess I must have thrown a small tantrum in my body for it to upset itself too.
So I was half asleep well almost all asleep and he sends me a message if I wanted to skype... I was too tired... I guess he understood... but wasn't probably happy that I didn't want to talk to him yet. He doesn't understand how freaking valuable time is and for me to find things to do to buy myself time to wait for him at 7 is really big fucking deal... I guess some just don't understand that... What would they do if it was their fucking time... would they wait around like some bitches do... I guess sometimes we're the stupid ones... we allow ourselves or lower ourselves and for what?
And people tell me, you're find a nice guy... ppsh... yea... where under a fucking rock? I either get some form of a player or... some stupid bitches think I'm with their man... Bitch no... I don't want you're sloppy seconds... They aren't even up to a level where I would even consider... you keep your trash and I'll keep digging for mine. Simple as that!
The ride home I was mad... I was ... so upset I had to get a fucking cig to relax... you know how long it's been since i've needed a cig.... months and mostly I've given them away... I've smoked like 3 since like march... and those were like 2 then... 1 me and another we all shared... I had to smoke to relax or I would have been even more so furious... I guess what I couldn't find a lighter...fucking pissed.... So I stopped in some gas station on my way up on highway 138-palmdale just to get a light... it started doing it's job but wasn't enough this time... I guess I was really upset... So upset that when i got home I had an upset stomach... I wanted to throw up... I guess I must have thrown a small tantrum in my body for it to upset itself too.
So I was half asleep well almost all asleep and he sends me a message if I wanted to skype... I was too tired... I guess he understood... but wasn't probably happy that I didn't want to talk to him yet. He doesn't understand how freaking valuable time is and for me to find things to do to buy myself time to wait for him at 7 is really big fucking deal... I guess some just don't understand that... What would they do if it was their fucking time... would they wait around like some bitches do... I guess sometimes we're the stupid ones... we allow ourselves or lower ourselves and for what?
And people tell me, you're find a nice guy... ppsh... yea... where under a fucking rock? I either get some form of a player or... some stupid bitches think I'm with their man... Bitch no... I don't want you're sloppy seconds... They aren't even up to a level where I would even consider... you keep your trash and I'll keep digging for mine. Simple as that!
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