Thursday, March 31, 2011

My dad is still not talking to me, he feels hurts... he's like every grandfather trying to protect their (grandchildren) my son...  He's been my son's dad practically but he's too nice and lenient ... doesn't work when it comes down to discipline... (I'm sorry )

Well let's just say that if I ever have children again, I know I will discipline different than I did this time and not compromise from the beginning as I did this time (well with the father of course there has to be compromise but I was definitely taken out of the equation by my parents) ... It really has held me back years trying to fix everything that I allowed  them to over step in my authority. It took me a while to realize and now being a more secure adult, I wont allow it.

So a few days ago.... my son was being a lil brave and playing rough with my lil cousins and getting into trouble and etc... boys will be boys-- I know the phrase well... but I told my son to sit down and stop it... he 3was pushing my buttons, the house was loud and I knew something was going to happen. I just wanted to watch the movie he had put on to watch (Spider Man 2) and he was uneasy... kept jumping and running and horse playing....
Anyways, a few minutes after I told him that I hear him crying. My dad was blaming one of my lil cousins... (granted he's the most troublesome child, and it's usually his fault, and in well in this instance it was his fault too). Danny had gotten his fingers crushed by the door because he was pushing to open and the other boy was pulling.. yea this never ends well... So my dad was yelling at my brother because he said it wasn't my son's fault and he was just a baby and blah blah blah... So I stepped in,and told my dad that  he wasnt a baby, and if he would listen then things wouldn't have happened as they did... and tried to play the baby game again... and I told him 5 years old isn't a baby and he should listen to what is said to him...  yea, I guess we were all a little edgy that night but my son is no baby and needs to know responsibility. And he needs to know there are consequences for not listening...

I don't think that defending and letting him get away with it will do him any good... and especially making him believe he is a victim each time... you decided not to listen...it's your fault too... accidents happen....

That is my position but he's mad... my brother and I both yelled at him .... but my borther was there and my dad said he didn't know anything...

I know I'm known to be his favorite... lol or use to be until I ended up pregnant and stuff... now Danny  is his lil favorite... but took him years to get into Danny's heart... My dad when he found out I was pregnant... he stopped talking to me, he was upset, disappointed... you name it... so I didn't hear from him... he had no choice but to have to have to take me to the hospital the day my son was born so I think he felt compassion seeing me in so much pain, because he didn't know what to do ... but just as I faced the pain for my choices, all kids need to learn the same thing... It's not that we don't care but that we care a lot not to ruin them for life. It was tough being overshadowed by both parents and their child raising skills which I may add aren't anywhere near perfect but  I wasn't able to ever learn...

Anyways, yes my father isn't talking to me right now.. and I believe that I had a good reason for saying what I said... And if he got hurt- I'm truly sorry and didn't mean to disrespect him but I am a mother too and I need to look out what's best for my son not my parents.. Simple as that!!

Pick on reyna

Today has literally been a "Pick on Reyna" Day gratuitously by my mother... I don't know what it is... well actually it has been the last 2 days which puts me a little on edge...  Yesterday, I don't remember much anymore... but I do remember *nothing being right*... Or she woke upon the wrong side of the bed, I truly don't know!  Today it started with yelling... ugh... I  hate it... I don't yell back(try not to)... but I try to just get her say everything she needs to so I can just go on my business... So she has been in her room most of the day today and I started washing early... I made lunch and dinner right after each other... I love cooking and when I'm stressed I do stuff that takes a long time so I can relax... I tend to ignore because I don't want to say anything I would regret. She is very emotional also, so I've learn to practically be a punching bag where they can let out there anger... but imagine the punching bag punching you bag... you would probably start crying too... I hear my headphones and listen to music low to hear what they say and loud enough to not be edgy about everything they say. There are times where my silence, *shrugs*- which she hates, my idk(s) -which she also hates aren't enough so I have to respond... I am sorry I try to avoid it especially when I'm mad but she's  been back and forth and nice... and then pissy and then nice and then back again... so I'm just like wtf... she she asks me something and well I snap... I'm sorry... 
but you don't go tormenting a dog all day and then just because you're in a good mood go and try and pet it... it will (I guarantee it) bite you  back... I know I'm suppose to have more control but it's been like since for a couple of days... and there is so much I can keep to myself before I snap... I'm human and I can't take all the crap to myself...  I try but I can't... She's probably on edge for tomorrow but ok.... I've learn to deal with everybody's responsibilities and a thank would be nice... not try and push me more...Someone takes a nap (I wake them up), I pick them up, They forget something - I tend to it, If the bills aren't on time- it's my fault (sure I don't[ have to say them), but I feel like a freakin- personal assistant to everybody except I'm not getting paid and I'm assisting everybody not just one person... *sigh*....
The kids cry or fight and it's my fault... jeez...  

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My Greatest Fear....And you grew within....

My greatest fear
Grew within me
You will never know what I had to hear
 
It was May 1st
And there were moments were I just needed to burst
My greatest fear
Grew within me
 
The constant bickering, screaming
Kept me at a low
I cried every day, at every hour
 hidden in my pillow below
And my mouth was just so sour
A few knew
And you grew
 
It was a secret,
One, in which I slowly died.
A secret NO ONE was suppose to know
One which was to be kept away
From Family
Friends,
Many,
But especially the Father.
 
My greatest fear
You brought me so many conflicts
So much controversy
And even a lovely statistic
 
My greatest fear
Grew within
Every day I wanted to run
I wanted to hide
So much as you grew within
 
As I tried to get away
I wobbled across the green meadows
And dealt with the pain alone.
 
You grew within
 
I had my doubts
And you grew within
 
I knew I would be alone
And you grew within
 
I knew I wouldn’t be able to give it all to you
And you grew within
 
I knew you would have no Father
And yet you grew within
 
You grew within
And you kept growing
Nothing stopped you from maturing
 
My greatest fear
Here you are
You still grow but no longer within
But Alongside
 
My greatest fear,
My pride,
My joy,
My happiness
And, my love


I wrote this a while back when I still had a lot on my mind about my son... though he was my greatest fear he now my biggest pride... 

Still a happily single mother with a college degree to show for it. Time was very tough then in my life. I think I was falling in the wrong path... and fortunately and unfortunately I ended up pregnant... This child kept my head on straight and I learn to focus on what was in front of me, I no longer had the time to waste on nothingness...but to dedicate to everything important to succeed and be a better person!!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

sleepy n paranoid...ugh

So I'm just sitting in the park enjoying a beautiful view before i have to go teach my lessons. But, I can't help but to feel paranoid...I've gotten so sleepy suddendly that fighting is so hard, I just want to close my eyes and sleep... Rest them for a couple of minutes.

Btw I can't get xanga mobile on my phone :( so I have to go through the whole website and trying to write and edit if I came a noticeable mistake is a pain in the a** ... Well gonna try in for a nap before a couple errands and teaching... But, I swear I feel like I'm being watched or something...there's nobody though... Maybe just a lil paranoia ... All my imagination lol. It must be...

Monday, March 28, 2011

Who says...



Someone sent me this vid to watch. And it's not so much to watch as it is to listen to...  Sometimes we just need to realize that even though some don't agree with who we are, we are who we are for a reason. Nobody, will ever changed that and NO ONE has the right to make you feel less than who you are.

"Those who matter won't care
and 
those who care don't matter!"



Watch and listen to song here!


I wouldn't want to be anybody else

( Eh! )

You made me insecure
Told me I wasn't good enough
But who are you to judge
When you're a diamond in the rough
I'm sure you got some things
You'd like to change about yourself
But when it comes to me
I wouldn't want to be anybody else

Na na na
Na na na

I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me

Na na na na na na na na na!
Na na na na na na na na na!

You've got every right
To a beautiful life
( C'mon! )


Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful
Who says

[Selena Gomez - Verse 2]

It's such a funny thing
How nothing's funny when it's you
You tell 'em what you mean
But they keep whiting out the truth

It's like a work of art
That never gets to see the light
Keep you beneath the stars
Won't let you touch the sky

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/who-says-lyrics-selena-gomez.html ]


Na na na na na na na na na!
Na na na na na na na na na!

I'm no beauty queen
I'm just beautiful me

Na na na na na na na na na!
Na na na na na na na na na!


You've got every right
To a beautiful life
C'mon

[Chorus]

Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful

If playing music, stop playing here then go back playing when singing JUST RIGHT HERE.

Who says
Who says you're not start potential
Who says you're not presidential
Who says you can't be in movies
Listen to me, listen to me
Who says you don't pass the test
Who says you can't be the best
Who said, who said
Won't you tell me who said that
( Yeah, WHO SAID!? )

Who says
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Trust me
That's the price of beauty
Who says you're not pretty
Who says you're not beautiful

enjoy sleep



If you have never used a sleeping mask... You are truly missing out!
Lately, since my sleeping has been a little out of place or maybe I'm just up... I know the sun is soon to come out. Or when I sometimes go to bed late or it's a few hours before I have to get up, I only have those white blinds... the sun peeks into my room like it's his business....  I have black curtains but I left them in my other room with my brother.... and those were wonderful.. they kept the sun out... it was like protection... nothing came in and nothing went out (as in you couldn't see out). In this bigger room the windows are bigger so my curtain set is small...maybe for my next room when we move.

So anyways, I've been wearing these sleeping masks and man oh man.... you don't even know it's morning... it's great!! I love it... it helps you sleep and you relax!!!


*** warning*** if it's morning and sun is peeking through... don't take mask off quickly, it might give you a headache, will need to give your eyes time for adjustment...

If you haven't tried them, give them a try... test them out and enjoy your sleep... it works perfect if you have small kids who need night lights and you need complete darkness to sleep.

This is just a suggestion... Even for Men.... The pic above was because those were satin but men there plain and black one... and black is even better.... they're like my black blinds... HA!

Oh and if you take a nap during the day with these on.... you'll truly take a nap... like I said the light is now gone and it will all depend on how you let yourself relax.

thinking as positive as I can :)~

On a happy note... all is well in this noggin! : It's just that I am no longer sleepy... And as I was writing this, this came out... hahaha!!! Nice to hear something that makes you laugh...

I'm away forever, but I'm feeling better,
What do I feel, What do I say,
Fuck you, it all goes away, 
What do I feel, What do I say,
Fuck you, it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel, What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away.

In case you don't know ... it's System of a Down... I think I have learned from a friend to find some lyrics for the occasion... it helped that he was always giving my songs to look up... I would like them and just keep adding to the playlists... look up lovage, smashing pumpkins... and so many others...

I know it's a lot of music but it makes the days go by.... But, even though those words are a lil harsh sometimes we have to throw it down and know that "in the end it all goes away"! So much writing, to say that my friend was just telling me that I've been writing a lot... ahaha! An outlet, I would say positive not like I talk much really. Actually, I do feel like I am talking  because as I am speaking as I am writing... loudly in my mind. The confusion on whether I actually had a convo because even just reading I can imagine the person speaking to me and I am already speaking loudly in my head to them.. Maybe I'm a lil nuts... but you like that... hahaha! jk

So I have a smile again! :) And I am still thinking but I am happy this time... I had to think until something positive came out... and I think I have something to smile for... Something that we can't expect any immediate future to tell you... goals and life... What I am going to want in life... and I think I am close to finding out...This is a great summer! Give and take... Parents might so to SAn Fran this summer and I know I am not going... first time I know so in advance I don't feel like traveling... In August, there is the trip to Washington DC and as much as I would love to go out there and see the monuments and what not but  I think I am not going... would love to but timing for that trip is not that great... but then again I have a few months... but I know how many things will change in the next few months.... hopefully we'll be moving in the next few months too, my school my start getting paid... parents might give me a vacation for everything I've done... but maybe a car would do it...lol Since I've been left car-less, so much beautiful change coming... But, my mom wanted to send  me out to Minnesota to spend time with fam but a while back I was talking a friend... and he, his gf and a couple other friends of his wanted to get a house work for a week and i was invited... so that's another option. I mean since I might leave anyways... and they want me to leave my son behind... they say I deserve some time completely alone... hahaha! I have to say that sounds great to me... but it also depends on whether I work... if I do then I wont be able to leave... then august... band camp... love it but maybe things will change this year... everything has to change for 2012... and i am making sure it does. So much but it will happen... Fam has suffered so much... if I work things will get better. first thing i will do is a shopping spree for me and Danny well after my biggest addiction gets paid... Phone and gas bc I like driving... lol

Yay!!! SO much to look forward to... and happily going to go to sleep expecting a better tomorrow! :)

That don't impress me much

I was going to originally post something different but talking sure f'n helps... I cleared my mind and it was quite refreshing...  not that I would have regretting my other post... but it was a more downer than this is... Sometimes it doesn't matter who you are, what you own, or how much you are... lol well personally a "brain" is one of the sexiest attractions... but that's just me.... I don't think anything else tops it but of course it's not the only thing...

SO in case you were wondering... That don't impress me much! 


That Don't Impress me Much
I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart
But you've got being right down to an art
You think you're a genius-you drive me up the wall
You're a regular original, a know-it-all
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're a rocket scientist
That don't impress me much
So you got the brain but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket
And a comb up his sleeve-just in case
And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it
'Cause Heaven forbid it should fall outta place

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're Brad Pitt
That don't impress me much
So you got the looks but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much

You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine
You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in
I can't believe you kiss your car good night
C'mon baby tell me-you must be jokin', right!

Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you've got a car
That don't impress me much
So you got the moves but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night

That don't impress me much
You think you're cool but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold, lonely night
That don't impress me much

Okay, so what do you think you're Elvis or something...
Oo-Oh-Oh
That don't impress me much!

Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-No
Alright! Alright!

You're Tarzan!
Captain Kirk maybe.
John Wayne.
Whatever!
That don't impress me much!

by Shania Twain

blah

This sh*t makes me feel like if I was another woman... now he's going invisible to talk to me in case she is spying on us...

It feels lame and stupid.... So i blocked her from my AIM and he said not to because I'm always on and she might suspect... but the worst part is that I am never going to know when he's on ... it's so stupid!  I know a break up is hard to get over...

But, why hide that we're still talking... fucking eh!

Makes me wonder if I really should back down... I mean I really like him and apparently he likes me too... but I am tired of drama...  She's not contacting me anymore... I guess he told her to stop but he's freakin paranoid... I feel I can't even express myself on here... or mention names or infer... she reads it... and he reads it... He likes some of my stuff but I use to like it here because it was mainly strangers... it was awesome though I finally qualified for true member badge... yay!!!

So some guy on here was also trying to talk to me... very sweet guy... I don't usually talk to people online.. I like chatting and what not for fun but we kind of clicked.. 31,6'3", lives in Utah... Mormon... He is going through some stuff though, he has Cancer or is fighting it, or it's gone and he's in the process. We were talking and he's very smart too... we got to know each other a lil ... he was finally able to have a trip to see fam... so he actually came to Ca and it was the first time since he was diagnosed... we talked on MSN and it was nice... I guess he likes me too... I told him he didn't know me and he said that what he knew he liked... But, he's going to leave me alone because I am talking with Jeff... well he asked if I felt comfortable and I explained Jeff's rules... but I don't feel comfortable talking to 2 dif guys...He told me that when he was passing the area he was thinking of me...lol But, so we stopped talking but his name is Ray... Very respectable guy. From what I gotten to know him. He just appreciates different things with what he is going through... very cowboyish ... :)

Then I deleted all of the messages we had on here... I don't know... if anything happens with Jeff... for trust purposes... getting rid of a lot of things... not really but... I'm a natural guilty person... idk why...

but this ex stuff is bugging me but then I think what if maybe more can happen... will it be worth it if at the end we're happy... but if after all this shit he goes back to her... I'm done!

I don't think I can bear it anymore.... I'm too fucking old... Idon't want to find someone when I'm 40-50 what's the point... I want to have fun and enjoy my and their freaken sex drive... if sex isn't involved what's the point... I mean I can live without it... but the intimacy that comes with being with a person... you don't need sex for it to exist....

jeez!!!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

nothing really...

It's quite unexplainable but today I am feeling a little down...  Not quite sure why. I feel a little sad, no tears yet but it's a feeling I've known in the past... I can't quite put my  hands on it... but I do say I feel surrounded and yet I feel so alone...

I am sitting here wanting to write and nothing comes out. I feel helpless... I wish I can just lay down and close my eyes but it wont do much. It's a feeling like all is nothing, no gain, no difference, no change... I am listening to my music but it's not soothing. I can't find anything I want to listen to; I feel restless and uneasy.

Well I uneasy and restless but not... Sometimes when it  comes down to how I am feeling, I feel like such a hypocrite... I feel that and then I don't and feel something else.., or maybe it's the same feelings and it's myself trying to decipher.

Just lost in my nothingness....

Ana V. S.

Ana,
 I am so sorry I completely forgot about today! I don't know... I've been clouded and then I brought my lil cousins... I know there is no excuse... but I frankly forgot. it's the truth. I try not to forget and especially something like this I can't believe it.  I wish I would have been able to go...

But, Danny and I have something for the new lil Schmidt baby! By now I am sure you know what you're having? ... Right? Well I can't wait to meet the new baby which means that you have now for sure decided on the name... And Danny will excited to meet his baby sib ... so it will be a total of 4 of them... :) and you guys!

Exciting times just as the baby is soon to arrive. I love seeing new babies... and super excited to see what Baby S looks like, is... :) I'm just siked ...

what nonesense is this( it must be life at it's best*)

My background says "I don't know where I'm going but that's the BEAUTY of it" or curse... I don't anymore...But the more I see and the more I realize that I must have some type of a repellent. I don't know why... but I am wanted by those who I shouldn't be and those who do for a lil they just find someone else... 
A lovely cycle 

It hasn't just happened once... actually probably everybody and it makes me question myself... I don't understand anymore.... Since we're allowed to make something of our lives.. obviously thinking it fate would be ridiculous ... but should I conform like others do...

I hate playing games... hey don't get me wrong I know the plays, I know how they work but it's a waste of time... I guess i tear myself apart instead than being "the bitch" that most would have become after time and after time... Maybe I believe in humanity and that people still have hearts... and maybe I do most of the convincing to myself ...but then I am stuck...

"I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself"

and then I see myself caged again... not by anything but these bars that trap me within my self... The tears just burn into paper but with no more meaning... And then I want to ask so much but I have nothing to say... I feel riveted and over powered with control....  feeling tool less ... FB...I can't talk to anybody and those were all my connections...

You know what sounds good a party... 

I guess I felt I was finally getting more out of this entrapping shell, different type of friends... I've always been very up tight... self controlling, my rules and guide lines... and I never felt as free ... So to say that I almost sang karaoke and I was almost sober... Even at my most tipsy I was too self conscience...  I am not one to easily let go... but throw me away and yea I do... I realize that once they're gone they're gone ... no more reasons to believe that anybody can come back... it never happens... Well to others (maybe)... I feel dis/enchanted
at times!

And then I see myself free falling in this dark hole with no ending, no light, no sound... I have a feeling that when I finally meet destiny... I will have fallen for so long that I wont know what hit me... I'll be in an unconscious reality... a false alternative...  
"Book of the Month" read the fine print later

You know oddly right now would be a perfect time where I would want a cig... darn for quitting back in December...oh well... the best thing right now is my loud music ringing in my ears... I can barely hear myself think ( the worst thing I can do-think)... this is probably why my thoughts are very incoherent...I do a lot of thinking... and hadn't in forever... I miss talking about my music taste... And being suggested what to listen too... 
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

This world is a crazy place and I guess we all have to realize that sometimes there will be days like these:

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand
The most loneliest day of my life

I guess that is when we start feeling like nothing ... a Zero 
My reflection, dirty mirror
There's no connection to myself

Unworthy, unwanted...

you know oddly right now would be a perfect time to let go... steer  free and feel the turmoil hit me with it's anger...
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are? 

Wow! Whew! feeling so much better...  just writing... I'm definitely taking a few steps back...I just didn't know... I need to re focus myself... I just sometimes need to express myself... I just need to concentrate on having fun, enjoying the little time and forget about everything else... Enjoy the moment for  it's value and not evaluate anything... And sometimes those moments will be borrowed as I can't keep them forever. I think I've tripped and fallen so much that I still don't know what the floor feels like or maybe I got use to my face my in the dirt... And MAYBE it's one of those things I will never learn... I just failed being a capricorn... ruthless and emotionless to an extent... I am compassionate and love for others driven... it might be my  virtue and downfall all at once...  Guilt driven and hate leaving people hanging... it's rude... Although, I've been slowly learning...it's been hard but it's a conditioning trait... I'm learning to not always text back... I think this has been the hardest... (my thoughts were that if I got a text I had to return and visa versa--- pet peeve when I send one and never receive anything back.........)

I am on to never believe in any type of vengance..or hurting others I guess the worse I feel is all the guilt (like it all belongs to me) I guess a lil selfish... It's like I have an endless melting pot where I've been cooking everything and every once in a while I have a taste and I slowly change for a progressive difference... But it's what makes me

Burning up
On my sweet revenge
Will be yours, for the taking
It's in the making baby, aaaaahhh
My sweet revenge
Will be yours, for the taking
It's in the making baby, aaaaahhh

I saw her laugh
Then she said, "Go Away"
I saw her laugh
Then she said, then she said,
"Go away, away"

enough of my rambling.... stress relieved  tomorrow will be a much better day...

Lies come out anyways... response to phones(distrust)

I was just reading a post about your So's phone ... and people really don't trust the people they love and I still don't understand why... for the most part whether you're a guy or a girl, you've been cheated on at least once... sometimes you give them second chances or third who knows... But, it hurts... basic part of life.

I personally, I am a trusting person to an extent, I trust you until you do something that makes me question our bond.... And it takes time to repair...its not so easy to jump into something again pretending as though that incident didn't occur... As, in looking through your phone I would be curious sure why not... but coming down to look through it, I can refrain myself.
I am sure (quite certain)  that most of the world is not in a perfect relationship and by now, I really think that all of us have been burned at least once in our lives --- if you haven't yet--- wait for it, it's coming your way. InNO way am I wishing anybody's relationship bad luck but it's truth.You have be a heck of an exception for it not to happen to you once... but anyways, back to topic.

It is a privacy issue but I am perfectly fine them having numbers of friend:girls or guys... jealousy okay sure sometimes but rarely (confidence )... if you start spending you time with somebody all the time suspicions arise...

it's easy though- texts can be deleted including other forms of communication that can lead to an argument or questionable doubts. If he trusts me he'll let me see it, and then if he does why do I really need to look through his phone anyways... We all need to have more trust in the love we have/share for someone else... if they want to look through my phone ok... fine!!! I COMPLY! But, would I want them to?  NO! Do I have something to hide, maybe, maybe not... but I respect you and you will respect me... I trust you and you trust me... but would I want them logging on to all my sites? (that's because in my blackberry... I have it all accessible) But, that's serious distrust... but I'll show ya if you want to know, just ask....

But, the moment you allow disrespect or allowing others to over step boundaries (specially yours) you'll be heading down hill and you'll be rolling quick. 

If they're cheating eventually you'll feel it. It's the distance, the lack of connection, but then again it can just mean it's over... It's not always about someone else but the connection you have with each other.  you'll still feel the same pain anyways... idk just let things play out... why be so jumpy...

Trust is very importantly and more than anything being Honest!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Commandments of Human Relations

1.   Speak to People. There is nothing so nice as a cheerful word of greeting
2.   Smile at People. It takes 72 muscles to frown only 14 to smile
3.   Call People by Name. The sweetest music to anyone’s ears is the sound of his own name
4.   Be Friendly and Helpful. If you would have friends, be a friend
5.   Be Cordial. Speak and act as if everything you do is a genuine pleasure
6.   Be genuinely interested in People. You can like almost everybody if you try
7.   Be Generous with praise – cautious with criticism.
8.   Be Considerate with the feelings of others. There are usually three sides to a controversy: Yours, the other fellow’s and the right side.
9.   Be alert to give service. What counts most in life is what we do  for others
10. Add to this a good sense of humor, a big dose of patience and a dash of humility and you will be rewarded many-fold.

Lack on intimacy...

I was reading this beautiful post...by mylife4u1991 And it conveyed so many different emotions that it made me sad not many have had the opportunity to read it. It's a story about love/ marriage and well divorce...

The user gave me the opportunity to share it with you but you can also click on the link above with her name and read it as it was posted on her page.  Your choice ... I just felt it should be read   I want the message to follow through, and I really hope you understand it...Enjoy!

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to bed and fell asleep very fast. I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into our bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy.Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

 A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

Friday, March 25, 2011

Hoy me ire de casa...

Ya no puedo mas, tanta gente y yo en soledad,
Llego a casa y todo es igual,
Siempre lo han dicho, soy caso perdido,
Merezco un castigo, ay no por favor, ay.

Me pongo a pensar, en lo que suelen hablar,
En lo que ellos, me han hecho cambiar,
Que mi mejor amiga no es buena compaƱƭa,
Y ese novio a escondidas, que no me merecĆ­a,
Y esta noche ya noche ya no aguanto mƔs.

Hoy me irƩ de, casa corriendo descalza,
A ver quien me atrapa, a ver quien me alcanza,
Hoy me irƩ de, casa corriendo descalza,
El viento en la cara, gritƔndole al alba.

Hoy me irƩ de, casa corriendo descalza,
A ver quien me atrapa, a ver quien me alcanza,
Hoy me irƩ de, casa.

Ya no puedo mƔs, siempre logran hacerme llorar,
Era niƱa y ya no lo soy mƔs,
No quieren que crezca, nada les parece,
Me han hecho rebelde, ay no por favor, ay,

Me pongo a pensar, en lo que suelen hablar,
En lo que ellos, me han hecho cambiar,
Que mi ropa y mi pelo, y mi comportamiento,
Quieren regir mis sueƱos, matar mis sentimientos,
Y esta noche ya no aguanto mƔs.

Hoy me irƩ de
Hoy me irƩ de, casa corriendo descalza,
A ver quien me atrapa, a ver quien me alcanza,
Hoy me irƩ de, casa corriendo descalza,
El viento en la cara, gritƔndole al alba.

Hoy me irƩ de, casa corriendo descalza,
A ver quien me atrapa, a ver quien me alcanza,
Hoy me irƩ de, casa, hoy me irƩ de casa,
Hoy me irƩ de casa.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/hoy_me_ire_de_casa_lyrics_gloria_trevi.html
All about Gloria Trevi: http://www.musictory.com/music/Gloria+Trevi

This song has always manages to explain how I manage to feel... and sadly it's the one that makes me feel good too...  It's a song to have the feeling to free from everything and just run and leave it all behind and feel better about yourself... and how even though you're not a child you still feel the world trying to control you as if you were... 

My hope, my strength, my let it be


I was just listening to Miley Cyrus... I'm not that big fan but this one song just always makes me feel better... It's the only song of hers that I do have on my play list... I guess every once in a while we need a reminder of why things happen ...
The Climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, but

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
by Miley Cyrus

it's a reassurance that we will all go through struggles and work to overcome... and that's it's a never ending cycle... 
Bad day
Because you had a bad day, 
you're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know, 
you tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day, 
the camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day, 
you had a bad day

by Daniel Powter
Sometimes we all have bad days but it's ok... we just gotta keep moving ... Not abandon all hope...

But more than that it's all there for a reason ... I always  wish the best for everybody... I learned that wishing the worst on people is wishing your self the most harm... Maybe it's the selfish way of seeing it but if the whole world is happy... I think I'll eventually catch up... so no matter what ..

I Wish You Love
I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
By Rachel Yamagata

The only and best thing in the world is to wish it all to everybody... If you have love in your heart you will see happiness... And even in the worst moments in life the light can still shine through. Even if it is a dim light but that dim light can still shine through and light the way to a new path.... I am feeling clear of mind, peaceful... Strangely happy... serene...

But reguardless....
Nothing Else Matters
 

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters
I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters
Yeah, trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
By Metallica
Nothing else matters ever ...

By the way... those are not the full lyrics to the songs... fyi... I would say somewhat diverse songs but describe everything I can't quite get out... they're just random songs that played in my music...There are so many but sometimes they each hit you individually... I listen a lot to the lyrics... not only the music in the background but what it actually says... for most, not all 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

wtf jeff

Yesterday I was ready to write this blog or post for myself... I didn't want to write publicly about Jeff... Wasn't ready to invoke such emotion... Why are guys so fucking stupid... I don't get it... he himself said honesty above anything and I trusted him... and there it goes... Stupid reyna again in the same position... feeling unexposed... I know he wanted to take things slow... but I had no idea he was talking to 2 of us... and especially his ex who he claims made him so unhappy... what the fuck is this shit and then today he got caught up... Right now I don't know if it's worth talking him... it seems like he doesn't want a future with me... he's thinking of everything and not using his heart... so it's all work and what his needs are... Fuck man... another one dwindling to nothing... it's my fault... I hate me... nothing is ever going to work out...

Chiles Rellenos

I wasn't in the mood to write yesterday... and I'm still a little ish... But, I've never been too stingy of cooking... or cooking for others... sure it might be a little different but it's Mexican food

The captions to be continued....

  






























































  




Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A nightmare

 As mother we always try to ease the plain that children may have. I hate to see kids suffer or cry but sometimes you gotta let them learn on their own. When my son was younger and we use to go to mass at 8am on sunday morning I preferred letting him sleep in that bothering to go to Mass... The consequences came when I tried taking him and he did not want to stay in or have to patience to wait to the end. I have to admit that it's still a small challenge and week by week goes that I take him... it's a matter of time so he slowly starts understanding...  I as his mother want him to understand what faith is and that without it sometimes fears can feel out of control...

With that said, last night around 4am my son had a nightmare... (I always check the time on my phone) And I was so tired I was falling back asleep so he calls me again... "Mom, I had a nightmare" so instead of him crawling into my bed, I crawled into his... lol (I know, I baby him sometimes but he's my baby ) As I was getting into his bed I told him that we had to pray so that we would feel better. He gave me a kiss and I started  to fall asleep... "mom, we have to pray!" I gave him a kiss and I started praying,
 "Padre nuestro, que estas en el cielo, santificado sea tu nombre,
venga a nosotros tu reino; hagase tu voluntad en la tierra como en el cielo.
Danos hoy nuestro pan de cada dia; perdona nuestras ofensas, 
como tambien nosotros perdonamos a los que nos ofenden;
no nos dejes caer en la tentaciĆ³n, y libranos del mal.
Amen"

I thought he was asking me to pray.... Well he was but he started praying after me... so I slowed down and said the words slow enough for him to repeat what I was saying... I was so happy he was praying and having faith that with prayer he would be able to start defeating his fears and nightmares that sometimes wake him up.  Oh and when I pray I pray in Spanish since that was the way I was brought up... going to Spanish Mass but I know my prayers in English especially when I go to English mass ... it's just my custom since it's a habit...  But, the translation in case you're wondering :)
The Lord's prayer "Our Father"
"Our Father, who art in heave
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil.
Amen"