what nonesense is this( it must be life at it's best*)

My background says "I don't know where I'm going but that's the BEAUTY of it" or curse... I don't anymore...But the more I see and the more I realize that I must have some type of a repellent. I don't know why... but I am wanted by those who I shouldn't be and those who do for a lil they just find someone else... 

A lovely cycle 

It hasn't just happened once... actually probably everybody and it makes me question myself... I don't understand anymore.... Since we're allowed to make something of our lives.. obviously thinking it fate would be ridiculous ... but should I conform like others do...

I hate playing games... hey don't get me wrong I know the plays, I know how they work but it's a waste of time... I guess i tear myself apart instead than being "the bitch" that most would have become after time and after time... Maybe I believe in humanity and that people still have hearts... and maybe I do most of the convincing to myself ...but then I am stuck...

"I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself"

and then I see myself caged again... not by anything but these bars that trap me within my self... The tears just burn into paper but with no more meaning... And then I want to ask so much but I have nothing to say... I feel riveted and over powered with control....  feeling tool less ... FB...I can't talk to anybody and those were all my connections...

You know what sounds good a party... 

I guess I felt I was finally getting more out of this entrapping shell, different type of friends... I've always been very up tight... self controlling, my rules and guide lines... and I never felt as free ... So to say that I almost sang karaoke and I was almost sober... Even at my most tipsy I was too self conscience...  I am not one to easily let go... but throw me away and yea I do... I realize that once they're gone they're gone ... no more reasons to believe that anybody can come back... it never happens... Well to others (maybe)... I feel dis/enchanted
at times!

And then I see myself free falling in this dark hole with no ending, no light, no sound... I have a feeling that when I finally meet destiny... I will have fallen for so long that I wont know what hit me... I'll be in an unconscious reality... a false alternative...  

"Book of the Month" read the fine print later

You know oddly right now would be a perfect time where I would want a cig... darn for quitting back in December...oh well... the best thing right now is my loud music ringing in my ears... I can barely hear myself think ( the worst thing I can do-think)... this is probably why my thoughts are very incoherent...I do a lot of thinking... and hadn't in forever... I miss talking about my music taste... And being suggested what to listen too... 

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

This world is a crazy place and I guess we all have to realize that sometimes there will be days like these:

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand
The most loneliest day of my life

I guess that is when we start feeling like nothing ... a Zero 

My reflection, dirty mirror
There's no connection to myself

Unworthy, unwanted...

you know oddly right now would be a perfect time to let go... steer  free and feel the turmoil hit me with it's anger...

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are? 

Wow! Whew! feeling so much better...  just writing... I'm definitely taking a few steps back...I just didn't know... I need to re focus myself... I just sometimes need to express myself... I just need to concentrate on having fun, enjoying the little time and forget about everything else... Enjoy the moment for  it's value and not evaluate anything... And sometimes those moments will be borrowed as I can't keep them forever. I think I've tripped and fallen so much that I still don't know what the floor feels like or maybe I got use to my face my in the dirt... And MAYBE it's one of those things I will never learn... I just failed being a capricorn... ruthless and emotionless to an extent... I am compassionate and love for others driven... it might be my  virtue and downfall all at once...  Guilt driven and hate leaving people hanging... it's rude... Although, I've been slowly learning...it's been hard but it's a conditioning trait... I'm learning to not always text back... I think this has been the hardest... (my thoughts were that if I got a text I had to return and visa versa--- pet peeve when I send one and never receive anything back.........)

I am on to never believe in any type of vengance..or hurting others I guess the worse I feel is all the guilt (like it all belongs to me) I guess a lil selfish... It's like I have an endless melting pot where I've been cooking everything and every once in a while I have a taste and I slowly change for a progressive difference... But it's what makes me

Burning up
On my sweet revenge
Will be yours, for the taking
It's in the making baby, aaaaahhh
My sweet revenge
Will be yours, for the taking
It's in the making baby, aaaaahhh

I saw her laugh
Then she said, "Go Away"
I saw her laugh
Then she said, then she said,
"Go away, away"

enough of my rambling.... stress relieved  tomorrow will be a much better day...