Though the mists of trying to figure out who I was ... I found myself questioning myself
"why I wasn't quite satisfied and or happy just yet" with how things were sometimes going. Don't get me wrong I am happy but wasn't seeing a complete happy ending in my future. Although, we all know we can't tell the future but you can surely see possible outcomes to the decisions we all make... of course to a minimal extent.
I was realizing that in high school I was embarrassingly shy, couldn't have people look at me... or even face my way because I felt out of place unless I was in the band room (yea, I was a weird freaky band geek, lol but there I had control... I was a small power control freak with my section- still proud that I was to this point the toughest and still the only one that got 2 "section of the year" during my reigns of terror -3 years) ... But that was just it... every where else I felt "out of place".
After I graduated college... I think I obtained more self confidence or maybe wiggled out of the leash that I tied myself to my life and thoughts...I was finally free to roam somewhat freely but I couldn't go stray because well I would die of hunger ... lol
Anyways, I graduated... I started noticing that the Jock from high school, the video guy/ drama guy, the weird but funny Asian, Or the guy who was emo/rocker/punk and different types of guys were now hitting on me... And I stated to evaluate myself... Not that any of them weren't good people... At least one of them was awesome who actually ended up becoming like a male best friend... weird but we were too alike for us to ever work out and we just have an inept understand for each other... it happens when you talk to a person for like 1 month in a half every single day almost all day... talking and texting probably and hanging out here and there...
Well sure, people have gotten courage through what we call the internet Facebook... Myspace (which is totally dead by now in case you didn't know), there are no other social links that are/were popular enough to give you profiles on who a person is... The whole dating site... I am not a fan of, I hate the thought of meeting a complete stranger still... not "hate" but more "fear" you can say... I tried the online speed dating site but when I would just go on I was bombarded by people talking to me, it was weird... I realized there is no way you can meet a person that way and I knew that it wasn't going to work... I am too off-standish to new people usually...
Then I started thinking of all those people who met either the person they married or love of their life in college... and I started thinking to my self... Why didn't I find someone when I was in college... And then my story came to mind "Emotionally attached to an ex supposed "love of life"" and then by junior year I had a huge belly and a child by second semester... I told myself that nobody was going to want a single mother... with nothing to offer... And I closed my doors and shunned myself unworthy of a good man, and a love...
Then about a year ago I was thinking of so many women (girls-ladies) that I've known who have been single mothers who have fallen in love after and been married and live happily with their now spouse and possibly some with more kids, and I realized that I was the only one who was at fault for closing myself to such possibility.
I cannot tell what it's in store for me but I am finally open to admit that so far I am happy with what has been coming my way. I never expect love to happen from one day to the next but happiness that comes can only lead to such feelings of being wanted and expression of more. I try to the best of my ability to live a christian life ... I am Catholic and have been going to mass every Sunday for most of my life as far as I can remember with a few exceptions... With the few challenges faced in life I can only know that the way up is the way we want to go. And faith and belief just gets stronger. If God keeps giving me the blessed opportunity to wake up everyday... My faith and devotion for everything I have been given by His grace will be me more courage.
We all live life. We will be given second chances to make up for choices we make but it's our responsibility to make those new decisions accordingly that leads to our happiness and not just what appeals those the people. The people will always have something to say (and usually negatively) but will rarely help you in need...
We will all meet diverse types of people but only the one person who is meant to be with you will accept you completely for who you are... They will not try and change you and yet don't let them change you ... you will go through change but because you see fit not because someone else. In many cases things are easier said then done... but why pretend to be someone else when later they realize they fell in love with other person who you never were.
Be conscientious, courteous, respectful, and always show love to those around you and you will always be loved by all...
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