So, yeah... I fixed the refrigerator at my house on monday... I spend all morning and part of my afternoon just playing with it and teaking it... I mean it couldn't work any less... no ice was being made everything had already gone bad so I didn't have anything to loose except for it to completely shut off then that would mean we actually needed a new one... So like I said I just took a few screws out, moved here and there and it seems as though it's been working fine since then. When I turned it on I had my doubts and I was scared especially for the milk so I still left it in the freezer and tuesday morning it was frozen we had ice...yay! It's so hot we need a nice cold drink of water and we have it now. My dad came in right now and said, "How's it working?" as he opens the door... "How much do I owe you?" I laugh and said, "Dad, it's only temporary" I am still expecting it to break down for some reason... I don't know anything about refrigerators. I guess I lucked out or something. Now I am starting to wonder how much he paid that guy that didn't really fix it. No, I am not going to ask him to pay me but all that means is that he didn't deserve what he got paid to do... I guess I'll see how the frig is doing in a few days... so I am thinking about going into the business...HAHAHA! just kidding... well actually I started doing Massages... my mom has been teaching me a little of that work and I have done it to her. Yesterday I earned $40... and lucky for me that is how much I pay for insurance and I'm going to pay it... But it's not what she regularly does... She mostly does physical therapy or massage therapy... but she thought me how to do another type of massage and it's to loose inches in the body. She does it done a while back she lost a lot and she is still loosing more. Well She told me that she is going to start getting more customers in that area so I can do it. She told me that, that line of work is more tiring than relieving stress and I didn't believe her yesterday even though I massage her an hour and a half. I felt great yesterday... it was until this morning that I felt sore and tired but still ok... So, I guess besides my part time of teaching music I will so my FLP and massaging... Then I will look for another full time... it's good. A full time and a few part times... that should resolve my money problems... oh yeah and fixing friges...lol...jk/jk...

It's funny how the stress of having the lack of money still appears. Even though a long time I ignored that huge burden coming within it feels like it's starting to consume me again.  I know that sometimes we cannot avoid not having money because as many know it comes with having a lack of a job and even though I am going to start working in a month again it still will not be enough. It sucks because now I only have a total of $5 period and well since our fridge is broken I will probably use them to buy a half gallon of milk for later. Well lucky for me I at least have a $25 weekly allowance from teaching a lesson but sadly it's not enough. I do wish to pursue so a job but I guess that means re-applying to many of those jobs that I already applied for. Does re-applying define desperateness to have a job. I mean can't people really understand that people sometimes really needs a job and will bend backwards just for a chance. I mean without  a doubt I believe that any job I find cannot be harder than having to learn how to do everything for a child having no experience... Now that's jumping the gun... so can an easy task of ringing off people and bagging their items be so complicated only a few are bound to the the necessity skills to obtain just a glamorous job? I think not. It's cashiering, that's it. I hope next year will be a busy one because with the looks of it... and with luck I am going to be working my regular part time at the school and hopefully a full time... And luckily for me that will only fulfill the requirements to be ok paying off my school loans so I can start applying to go to school again... Life sucks man.... Today I couldn't sleep in the morning because I just kept thinking about money. I ask my self, "How can I get money?", "Where can I get money?" , "easy quick scheme?", "hahaha, they don't work!" All I could think about it is money. But the fun part of being a parent is that my kids will never know... and the ironic thing is that my parents still don't understand either. I don't know if I ever wrote about how peaceful I had it the other day with no complaints will I have one today.... MY MOTHER!

Tias b day- They were written through my phone what is why there were 2 blogs

Well today was nice and self fulfilled in its own way. It was my aunt's birthday yesterday but we celebrated it today. So as a good supportive family we went to her house and well my sis and i started drinking a little bit. For the first time it felt relaxed well i guess because my sis was there. Well we franks one beer and ate as we drank the second. Everytime we would finish we would be asked if we wanted another. Well we ate tortas augadas which were good. As soon as we finished eating we drank our third but i knew i had to stop because i was driving and i'm always the safety patrol. Anyways we enjoyed out third in the front yard peacefully. It was nice! They but the cake and my sis drank her fourth. We sat in the living room for a while and some one with the scent of cigarettes passed by and we both had the same inclination. We stopped, looked at each and just knew what each other were thinking. But, we didn't think to ask. A little while after almost forgetting of our small craving we all left for home.Well as i drove home. We were enjoying the sudden flash of thelightning as Danny would shout he saw fire works. We got  home andwith the craving still there we smoked Djarum Blacks. We just stood inour driveway and stared at a half starry and half cloudy sky. Weenjoyed a few light shows. Very enjoyable until my sis she lost herbeer buzz. She lost her but i was getting more with my ciggies. Everysmall craving satisfied. . . So peaceful! Adieu and to all a goodmight. . .

What is your stance on religion? Are you a religious person?

Well like many people I sometimes have my doubts about whether there is a God and why things happen to them and not others. But luckily not many real bad things have happened to my family all too much while other families to suffer. See I am Catholic but for a while I was distancing my self for my own personal reasons but I feel that when we all pray together things start to get better no matter how bad things are. When we unite as a family our prayers get answered. And I am not saying that bad things happen to those who don't believe but I noticed that those who are not as aware of His surroudings take more things for granted and it seems as though noticeable bad things happen to them more often sadly enough... I belive in religion and I am slightly religious person...

  
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What would make a perfect day?

I think my perfect day would be being to cook and bake for all who I love while they watch the baby. Then eat and watch movies... A nice relaxed day... oh yeah, and have someone else wash the dishes and clean the kitchen... that would be a perfect day... or a day in the park with a picnic and the family...

  
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What do you take for granted in life?

I feel I take the roof on my head, my family and everything I've been able to achieve a little for granted. You know just having them sometimes isn't enough and the truth is that everything is there and at any given moment it can all dissapear... One more thing, I think I take happiness for granted all too much as well...

  
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How do you feel about adoption of children by same sex couples?

Well I believe that all people are capable of giving a child the love and care they need. And since many most same sex couples are not able to have children with each other it is only fair that they give the love they have to the kids they would have had. There are many kids out the who need a home, who need some support, who need love and who need to be shown that they can do something with their lives. We as parents are just guides to help our kids the right path to achiving their dreams and goals. Who is to say that another man or a woman isn't. It's just like adoption, is we are able to adopt and show be can up bring them well and a same-sex couple is willing to do the same? What would be the difference? Nothing. The chils will see the sacrifice and love received... IT shouldn't make a difference!

  
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It's very interesting... today I was asked how my day was going (it was through a message so I had time to think) and I sat down for a while and started thinking. Well as many know or don't know I can be quite pessimistic but I continued to think...how is my day going? What has gone wrong so far... and I continued... As most people we usually just go on and say everything is fine how are you... blah, blah, blah spiel... they're just expressions of our everyday use and think of them as useless to really fine out how one really is. But, like many people they say they're fine and then continue to what really is going on... so I continue to reflect on how my day was going... But, for the first time of thinking how my day was going I actually had nothing negative towards my days... It's funny because I tried making some instances into a negative form but no they still came out positive...
Now, let's see... my sister locked my keys in my car when she went out to the salon... yeah, it's bad but all I had to do was drive there and open the car... see I learned to make many copies so there is always a copy available... just now a student canceled her piano lesson but hey she's going to have it tomorrow. What is one more day of practice. We all know we all need the practice... So, I find it weird that even though I have a pessimisstic aura today just feels positive...  maybe when I realized there was clouds outside I became happy and it made my day... now if it was so sunny and hot I am positively sure I would be whinning...

Logging in to xanga through my phone

I am so happy last night I finally figured out how to log in to my xanga on my phone... I had been trying for a long time but it always said that there were too many cookies and I has to change my setting. I know I was able to see blogs if I knew the url but if I didn't then I wasn't. So I was on my myspace and then I started thinking that at first we weren't able to go into myspace either... there was a different way to log in through our phones... (m.myspace.com) and so I know I had for some reason tried x.xanga.com and it didn't work and tried others and didn't work until last night I finally remembered the my space one and I typed (m.xanga.com) and it worked... I am so happy to be able to log in...

It's interesting.... I just googled the name that I use for everything (my user id) and many things appear that I have done... wow...
It's fine though because I also googled my name and I went to a few pages and found nothing personal.... well I will keep going to see how far I have to go...

You know what really sucks.... not having a refrigerator...  WE cannot buy anything because we know it will go bad... we are only able to buy half gallons of milk and well if it's a type of day where people want milk then we'll ran out. There have been times when 3 gallons of milk finish in in little over a week... The guy that has fixed it came and fixed the frig part and it worked fine for a small while like a week then the freezer gave up... so that meant that the frig wasn't even because they are connected. Now he came to fix it and it worked for 4 days but he explained he was going to come back 2 days after to put in the part but it took him a week. Now he came and the frig started working ok and it felt it wasn't cooling on the 3rd of July so my dad call on the 4th...He knows the guy but he wont answer phone calls from either my mom or dad or even the house number. It's now tlhe 10th and we haven't had a fridge for ever... in this month because of the fridge we have had 5-6 gallons of milk go bad and with the prices of the food and milk that is ridiculous and unfair... My dad to me to call monday night so I called tuesday morning and well luckily for me he answered and said he was going to come to our house around noon and I said great, thanks. As noon approached my mom wanted to go somewhere and I said no because he was going to come and fix the frig but guess what... he never showed up.... And he's been paid for all the times he's came... don't you think it should be his responsibility to finish the job. Last time he came my mother asked him if he the frig worked or not because she wanted to know whether to buy a new frig... and the guy said, well give to me and I'll fix it to the point I never have to fix it again. And she asked why he didn't do that to ours and he replied  because he needs to feed his family... so while he is feeding his family all of our food is going bad and we cannot feed ours... that sucks!!! I think it's only fair that if he cannot fix it to tell us to get a new one without doubt that it connot he fixed anymore... You know a small challenge we have to go through and obviously we cannot go to the store everyday to buy what we need to we deal with what we have... we use the freezer as the fridge and since it's smaller only a limited amount of things fit in there and everything else has gone bad... Everything in the fridge has gone bad... I have also thrown away many thing from the freezer... we cannot even make ice and with this heat a nice cold water sure feels refreshing...* mouth watering*... Well yeah...

oh and I am so glad that I nursed Danny to health.... after staying up a few night with him because his throat hurt from coughing... Yeah, he woke me up yesterday but he only needed to use the restroom... Potty training is going so well. The only thing that happens though is that when he gets sick he always gets a little lazy but it's understandable... I am feeling a lot better too and the best thing is that you cannot hear that I am sick anymore... the other days sometimes I felt good but you would hear my voice and I would automatically be labeled as sick or having a cold...  the few draw backs but I started taking my vitamins and I feel great except for the fact that it's a little hot ... I can' t stand the heat but we'll deal, right!

It had been two years. Two years that I had been going to mass and listening and asking myself why I couldn't approach God and ask for forgiveness...I couldn't go to the confession room and say, " Forgive me for I have sinned..."  Mind you, I am Catholic and believe in many things many others don't quite understand but like many others it's been faith that has quite kept me sane through many of my hardships. It's funny that when we actually start thinking clear and understanding what is actually in front of us is when it seems as though we do not understand and are shutting others out. Well, anyways, this past Saturday we were at mass and my mom went to the confessional room and well she asked if either my sis and I wanted to go but like usual we said no... but there was something else that was pulling.. and telling me I needed to go to take much burden. When I went in there i am sure there were no words that didn't come out in tears of pain and shame but the priest understood and just told me to keep listening. To understand and to be patient.  When I asked for his advice he gave it to me and it made a lot of sense. I understood why I take my son to church every Sunday, why I want to grow up in a certain way and there will be obstacles in our path that might cause it to become a parabola but we need to strive forward. I do thank God in my own way for giving me the life I have and giving me my challenges I was given and succeeded but just like that I also understand human being and their lack to understand others especially if they do not have that sense of a religious background. It's not the pain and suffering that I have had that has made me who I am. It is the happiness I had before and in between that has helped me cope with it all. Sure I have said leave it all in the back bury it and I never want to see it again but the fact of the matter is that it's always dug back out but this time feelings are not hurt anymore they just cause frustrations on occasion. It's funny because I do not feel anything at all... no anger, sadness, happiness or anything forwards some people. For a while, some would just cause a little rush for me just as if their presence was so powerful to make me mad, happy, sad, distressed but  as time goes by and I see less and less of everyone I know. I understand. I understand that it is the way it's suppose to be. I do not care who is or who isn't in my life as far as anybody comes. Sure all are welcome but no person is important enough to mold my day into anything. It is funny because many of us are caught thinking of the future and what we want and what we do not want. But, what many of us do not realize if that even though we had forgotten our past we always put some instances of it in our future causing it to come back unfortunately. But, when we recognize the small links between them we learn how to deal with it all... I have learned to be happy with the now and you know what since then we have been spending more time with my family. And we have all gone to the beach, gone to the park, picnics, going to the lake and just relaxing. For a while in time I was a little jealous because my baby would call my mom "mami" and my dad "papi" I just assumed he has his own parents he should be calling that but then I realized it's ok. My mom will always be like his 2nd mom and the person who will do anything for him. And, my dad well he is his dad too... my dad is the person who will do anything and plus, go out of his way for Danny to be ok and happy. I figured he does need a male figure in his life and who better than the man who brought me up. It's fine I understand sometimes people have their own life and deal with their own issues. I know there isn't anything I can do about it but I will do what I need to do what every mother in their right mind has to do to keep food in her baby's mouth, healthy and without a worry. Just like most mothers, they will do anything for their kids, ANYTHING. I know I have not been doing everything I can. I should get my son medi-cal regardless of the consequeces because 1. they're are not my consequences. 2. I've paid many of my dues. 3. I have a life time to re-pay... 4. I should be able to get a baby-sitter or even put him in pre-school so I can be sure he attaining what he needs to know.
As nice as it is a grandmother to watch their kids they also have their jobs they cannot stop doing unless they get the income they are receiving so that is obviously out of the question. It's not easy but it will work... It must work. It's only about re-paying self debt.... It's the equality aspect. As much as many try to avoid their choices which were made long ago it's all a cause and effect type of issue. Everything that happens, happens because its going to happen anything and because that is the way chain of reactions work. I know some can be avoided but at whose cost and hardship. Yeah! that's right, someone else's. It's sadly never fair or just. Who are the people who spend sleepless night with their children when they are sick? The mother well... in most cases... well anyways...

So on 4th of July I was at Sam's club getting last minute things for the traditional gathering we have every year and I get a strange phone call. "Are you home?" and I almost said who is this? I didn't recognize the voice and nobody speaks to me in that kind of demanding tone. So I look down to my phone and of course I had relabeled that number to a point I had to look at it twice. But anyways, so we finished doing the shopping and were paying when once again. Needless to say more I was called at least 3 times when clearly I was not home because there he was in the car and my car was not in the drive way. Well, it was my son's father. So, it took him a while until he himself was able to get whatever he had( a huge brown box) out of the car. He stumbled his way through and asked where to put it... I asked,"what is that?" and he just replied, "what I had promised I was going to get?" I was still quite confused until I was the little picture on the side. Well, well... I was shocked he actually came through on something for our son. Yet, I was quite riveted at the fact that he just left the box and walked away without even asking for him, or anything about him... He never knew whether he was at home, somewhere else, or even if he was well. I just saw him leave and continued to do whatever I needed. I am not going to push that subject with him anymore. I continuously commented with him about playing ball with our son. Even an hour... But, the subject is meek and overseen. The only reason my son knows he has a father other than his Grandpa (or "papi", "dad") is because I was been courteous to let him know who he is and  he understands. But , how long do I need to show  him a picture to convince him that he actually has a real, live father somewhere... Not long, I am presuming... not long. I am doing my job as a mother to protect my son but how much heart ache will be have to deal with as he grows up. Now he is in military but how about the first 2 years. And you know what military is not an excuse... When he left I said fine and troubled my self to sign a lot of paper work. Sure I know he thinks I never have anything to do and I am always available but it takes time out of me for somebody who does not deserve even a glance of gratitude. Sometimes I see my son and I feel sad because I know that once his dad starts to pay attention (if he actually does see him) will have some hard times. Although I will have some hard times coming my way I am already trying to figure out how my baby is going to be in sport; he's going to join t-ball at 3; he can sure hit a ball and loves baseball with a passion. But, sad to say I am going to answer a lot of questions for my son when he gets curious  which I don't mind because I am only going to be honest. All I know I could say is good luck to my son's father and his now wife, son and future baby on the way...