It had been two years. Two years that I had been going to mass and listening and asking myself why I couldn't approach God and ask for forgiveness...I couldn't go to the confession room and say, " Forgive me for I have sinned..."  Mind you, I am Catholic and believe in many things many others don't quite understand but like many others it's been faith that has quite kept me sane through many of my hardships. It's funny that when we actually start thinking clear and understanding what is actually in front of us is when it seems as though we do not understand and are shutting others out. Well, anyways, this past Saturday we were at mass and my mom went to the confessional room and well she asked if either my sis and I wanted to go but like usual we said no... but there was something else that was pulling.. and telling me I needed to go to take much burden. When I went in there i am sure there were no words that didn't come out in tears of pain and shame but the priest understood and just told me to keep listening. To understand and to be patient.  When I asked for his advice he gave it to me and it made a lot of sense. I understood why I take my son to church every Sunday, why I want to grow up in a certain way and there will be obstacles in our path that might cause it to become a parabola but we need to strive forward. I do thank God in my own way for giving me the life I have and giving me my challenges I was given and succeeded but just like that I also understand human being and their lack to understand others especially if they do not have that sense of a religious background. It's not the pain and suffering that I have had that has made me who I am. It is the happiness I had before and in between that has helped me cope with it all. Sure I have said leave it all in the back bury it and I never want to see it again but the fact of the matter is that it's always dug back out but this time feelings are not hurt anymore they just cause frustrations on occasion. It's funny because I do not feel anything at all... no anger, sadness, happiness or anything forwards some people. For a while, some would just cause a little rush for me just as if their presence was so powerful to make me mad, happy, sad, distressed but  as time goes by and I see less and less of everyone I know. I understand. I understand that it is the way it's suppose to be. I do not care who is or who isn't in my life as far as anybody comes. Sure all are welcome but no person is important enough to mold my day into anything. It is funny because many of us are caught thinking of the future and what we want and what we do not want. But, what many of us do not realize if that even though we had forgotten our past we always put some instances of it in our future causing it to come back unfortunately. But, when we recognize the small links between them we learn how to deal with it all... I have learned to be happy with the now and you know what since then we have been spending more time with my family. And we have all gone to the beach, gone to the park, picnics, going to the lake and just relaxing. For a while in time I was a little jealous because my baby would call my mom "mami" and my dad "papi" I just assumed he has his own parents he should be calling that but then I realized it's ok. My mom will always be like his 2nd mom and the person who will do anything for him. And, my dad well he is his dad too... my dad is the person who will do anything and plus, go out of his way for Danny to be ok and happy. I figured he does need a male figure in his life and who better than the man who brought me up. It's fine I understand sometimes people have their own life and deal with their own issues. I know there isn't anything I can do about it but I will do what I need to do what every mother in their right mind has to do to keep food in her baby's mouth, healthy and without a worry. Just like most mothers, they will do anything for their kids, ANYTHING. I know I have not been doing everything I can. I should get my son medi-cal regardless of the consequeces because 1. they're are not my consequences. 2. I've paid many of my dues. 3. I have a life time to re-pay... 4. I should be able to get a baby-sitter or even put him in pre-school so I can be sure he attaining what he needs to know.
As nice as it is a grandmother to watch their kids they also have their jobs they cannot stop doing unless they get the income they are receiving so that is obviously out of the question. It's not easy but it will work... It must work. It's only about re-paying self debt.... It's the equality aspect. As much as many try to avoid their choices which were made long ago it's all a cause and effect type of issue. Everything that happens, happens because its going to happen anything and because that is the way chain of reactions work. I know some can be avoided but at whose cost and hardship. Yeah! that's right, someone else's. It's sadly never fair or just. Who are the people who spend sleepless night with their children when they are sick? The mother well... in most cases... well anyways...