well it has now been a few weeks where I couldn't sleep. Mainly anxiety or whatnot. But Any little thing would wake me up almost as if I was expecting something of a sort. Who knows?! So yesterday wasn't much of a busy day. I just drove to Fontana to teach my clarinet students and it was a good day  so  then after  I stopped at my mom's friend's house to dropped something my mom sent her. It was a regular day but the night before I just had a feeling of an epiphany status and felt peaceful and at ease. Slept like a baby. So back to yesterday. I  got home right before 6 and  it was nice to be home early. My brothers were eating and so i ate dinner right after they finished with my mom and dad. I can't remember much but I think I washed  the dishes and decided to go to my room. Sometimes or most of the time when I go to my room I will get on my computer or play with my phone but honestly I didn't feel like it yesterday. I told my self a good nap would be ok, it was only 7:30... but I fell asleep and then there were moments were I would briefly wake-up but as soon as I would realize what was going I would peacefully fall asleep. I did feel when Danny came to sleep with me a few hours later and heard my mom's voice of surprise. I knew that if I woke up that would be the perfect time to wake up but I just didn't have the energy to get up... it felt so nice to just lay there and mainly rest my eyes... :)

Loved the resting my eyes. I could have woken up at 4am and started a nice day but I knew it was too early. So I still waited for my alarm and got up at 6:25a.  Yay! for sleep!

Too tired today! Woke up with the worst headache.... my stomach felt uneasy... Maybe I'm getting sick... the days are getting longer and hotter... and annoying...

I know...
Whine!
WHine!
WHIne!
WHINe!
WHINE!!!

But, I don't like summer... I think I like fall...

I don't feel like doing anything.... But... here I go anyways!

So last night I thought I was going to do my mom's eye brows but didn't have time. I also thought I was going to give myself a facial but I didn't have time. Lol, oh time, how you run away from me. But, I did have time to give my mom a pedicure and a manicure with a french tip and the nice thing was that my sis skyped with Danny and they got to talk
and we all got to talk while I worked on my mom. Oh the wonders of the internet....
It's not always about what we do for ourselves but we still have to do for ourselves but more what we do for others and save for them when they could have spent  money they didn't have.

I guess lately I've been more willing to give and handle it with out a complaint. Life is beautiful and why waste it in total unhappiness. I am realizing more and more why I am yet to have a relationship and why I sometimes crave it but then I really start thinking of what I sometimes want and realize that I am actually happy. It's not that I don't want it or need it but I start thinking of how much I am helping my fam with their issues and leaving them would be a burden.

Sometimes in life you think forever and then your life takes a different course. Finding or trusting someone to make you feel the forever feeling isn't the same anymore. It's not easy to allow yourself to be so open to being heart broken.   Been heart broken once and pretty bad for that matter and I am yet to find someone who I am willing to let down my guard for a good ol' fashionable heart break...lol. I know when you find the person or a person you just don't think but when it doesn't happen you still think, lol.

Either way whether there are men or not in my life I still feel happier than ever before. And you know what the best part is being happy... loving yourself for who you are, where you're going and if someone great happens to come along then you add then to your already happy life, you know?  Not expect that a person or asume that you're waiting for this marvelous person who will complete you or magically make you happy. I use to think that I was waiting for Mr. Right and then and only when I did meet him I would be happy and that is a bogus and false illusion many young women have. But I think that with the year and being single for a lil over half a decade, lol,  Decade makes it sound so old. I think I needed to find myself. See who I was and what was my purpose in life and I think I am beginning to find it. I, also, didn't want to be one of those wives works all day and didn't care for the needs of my kids or my husband or just a housewife without any talents. Now I know that I can contribute to a household by still maintaining it and being able to work. I think the best reward is when you can do both and manage to be able to set a dinner time and have ready for the fam and manage to also care for yourself. I am think I would be a 50's wife with a 21st century twist.  But we'll see when it does happen. I also want to take care of all my school loans so that when I do get married (if) I have no debt and there is nothing but what ever life throws at you. I always feel that if you go to school it should be your responsibility not someone else's. It's mainly to better yourself and be able to do something to help out. Not make more of a cost to maybe "try" and do something.

If we are women willing to take on these roles we also need to take responsibility. I would eventually want to go and finish my second major so I can go to grad school and who knows from there. But, it's going to be hard because we also have to maintain the strength to pull it together... be a super women, if you will. Because more than likely you will have kids and maybe a husband so how can you juggle it all and keep a happy husband and food on the table for hungry and growing kids...

I am done...

mostly past...

APPEARANCE
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ x] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I have/had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses/contacts.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

FAMILY
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[ ] I want to have kids someday.
[x] I've had [a] child[ren].
[ ] I've lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[ ] I've snorted while laughing.
[ x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[ x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[ ] I've hugged a stranger.
[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[ ] I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink... well i think I'm done
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[ ] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying.