I guess I could complain all day but that isn't going to do very much...

yup yup

so I had an ok day, I was nostalgiac for a while which made me a lil sad but my writing tutor said that she liked my story today so that made me very happy . I saw miyah today I was happy for that. I got to talk to Sarah and Regina and that was nice. It feels nice! Well I talked to Keith over the phone a lil but he was on his way to good gear and I needed my bottle , I waited for an hour and then he said he still needed more time so I sadi I would leave and try again prolly tomorrow. He's a character, well all my friends are,lol. I gotta love them all. Without them I wouldn't be where I am at or be with my lil danny boy.

finally found him

 So yeah today was the first time that I went to go talk to somebody. His name is Chris, he is white , like 5'10" dirty blond/ light brown sort of half way spiked and messy at the same time hair, blue eyes, dressed a lil preppy but I was able to talk to him. So I put that I had never gone there but I guess he found the record... anad asked if I had gone like 2 years ago and I said yes because it was true. After we had talked for a long time and we talked about suicide stuff he asked me if I ever had the real strong thoughts if I would call the office and stuff so they can get help for me. It was kind of funny because I was sort of going around the question and answering vague answeres but he finally told so can you tell me that you will do it... and I guess I had to say yes. But I asked in reality do you really think that I would call and he looks at me and said yes he does. I don't know but he was easier to talk to, I liked the way he tried to make me feel better and pretended to know that I was smart and beautiful.  He was trying to make me feel better, and he knew I was looking at him, he understood my facial expressions which I like because I was communicating without words at points. HE is going to be a great psychologist when he gets older. I mean I was talking from my heart and telling him stuff and he was very calm about it. He was able to talk to me and I liked that he tried to talk. I even asked him for examples of things so that he can explain a lil bit more... So for next week and suppose to suppose to think of a few different ways that will help me communicate my feeling I have to my parents b/c of how they make me feel. I have thought of 2 so far: I know I can write them a letter and leave for the day so that they can think and when I can get back we can think or I can get them together like how I did when I told them I was pregnant but I know I am going to start crying before I even talk and I almost feel like they are going to think I am pregnant again which would be very funny( well not really) but I think he is going to help me a little. He seems very motivated and a very good listener. He is kind of cute, what am I talking about he is cute. haha don't worry I know nothing can ever happen I am never their type and besides I am fat, nobody likes a fat chick that is why Art left me and I haven't been able to find anybody.  Well yup that is that....  

so yesterday my dad told me that I didn't know how to be a mom. Just because Danny was crying and we didn't know what to do. He is a dad and still didn't know what to do. It makes me feel bad and today my mother(of course) called me  "mal agradecida" because I told her that I Wasn't going to tell danny to call my dad, dad. I guess if he does, he does. BUt I am not going to  tell him to . It's his choice but he still has a dad.

You know when I was pregnant I use to think well being depressed is normal I mean I did go through a lot of shit because the Danny's father but I thought well maybe I will get over this and once I am with my family eveything is going to be all right. They are supportive and they love me. Unfortunately now I think I prefer living alone. I feel that just as much as I have support I bare burden. All I feel is guilt because they take care of Danny while I am at school. I feel sadness b/c  even if I try to have a few hours to myself I can't b/c I am a mom. They are not really willing to help like they said they were. I think they said they would help when I was pregnant so that I would feel a lilttle ease but now I have to give them a schedule and be home by a certain time or I am going to have to pay more money. Where the hell am I suppose to get this money to begin with?!?!  Yeah if I had money then I wouldn't have an issue the the reason why they are caring for my baby is because I didn't have the money to pay. NOw that is onmy back. It's so hard to see the possitive things in life when everything else tells you differently. I know many people have to go through the same thing, they have to but how do they leave with out having money. I almost feel that if I just leave they are going to be upset with me but not realizing that they are the ones that doing the internal harm. I know they don't realize that I have always been deeply emotional or the fact that I am depressed. They just think other things and it's sad. My mom told me she can't trust me. She told me that ever since I had Danny even I want to do something I can't b/c I am a mom. She was like I don't know if you're out there having sex, like I am some kind of a fuckin whore to be sleeping around. So I make one lil bad choice and the world fall on me. And pissed me off more was the fact that last night she told your sister goes out does whatever she wants because she has no commitment, only she has are her cats and babies are not like cats. Well no fuckin shit. I wish I could say that I agree with the fact that my sis likes to go out. She goes out to stay away from all this shit. She has always done whatever she pleases b/c she doesn't care what they say, she'll do it anyways. She was my mom's favorite I know! She told me if you were single without a chikd you could doing the same( BULLSHIT!!!). I don't believe that for nothing. I have never been allowed to go out, clubbing. The only reason I was even let out before is because I had a boyfriend. They have consistantly tried to shelter me and not allow to me to experience nothing. Well how the fuck am I suppose to know that she was saying the truth when all my life I have been treated different. All their responsibilies they put on my back. Oh Reyna can you do this payment for me, today is the deadline.  You know I love my parents to death but I can't wait to leave so that they realize that they need me and that they abused a lot of the things. Yeah I didn't have a job this summer I still took my mom everywhere and she hardly pitched in for gas. I am suppose to take them places, to their payments, and now school and work on top of their shit. Nah I think I almost prefer being on the streets to this point .I ask God to give me some strength. I really do need it. Being a single mother with supportive yet very unsupportive parents is like living in a small hell, you just can't get away from. I have been in Hell for the past hmmm I don't know know 10 years. Tell me did they even know that I was depressed, no never noticed. How about 8 years ago when we moved here. They didn't know I was depressed, that I had some issues at school, In '99 when I started high school they didn't know that I was suicidal and very upset with this world. in '00 or '01 they didn't know I did weird thing and then at that point was when I found a boyfriend and he helped me find myself. He was my support system by lover, my bestfriend. In '03,04 when my relationship was pretty much over;I was a cutter, they weren't about pain, they felt better than sex, it was pleasurable to see blood trikle out, I bet they my parents didn't know about this either. You know I notice that they just go on life doing what betters their life but forget about everybody me. I am the one that needs them but has never really had them their. They think they are for me but no to me they have never been there. I don't know how bad my depressions were in the past but I knwo they were not fun... I hate being alone with no support. What did I do besides having my baby that made them treat me like this. I can't even tell them what I feel because then I Am going to feel guilty about how they feel about my situation.Then it's going to be my fault all over again. See my cousin Vicky mentioned that I might have PostPatum Depression and I refused for a few months to believe it but I am thinking I do and it's starting to get worse. Yeah I know I don't show it when I am around a lot of people. But my insides tells me I'm dying, very slowly dying, or just losing the will to want to live anymore. SOmetimes I think my baby would e better off without me and that would teach my parents to stop talking b/c I wouldn't be here. WOuld they appreaciate me more if I was gone or would they feel I am more of a burden b/c I die... I don't think it's right to feel that way because  I have such a beautiful baby whom I love to death. I just bared a child for 9 months, fought for his life so that his father didn't kill him and now I am trying to fight my own battle against myself to keep myself alive for my Danny. There is times when I just see my self putting my car so I can cause a huge accident, or run off something.... You know that is not normal. I might be developing mild postpatum psychosis... Everybody tends to see me very serious and in some cases very strong but I just can't. I have fought so hard and as much as I fight I feel I get pushed to the floor more and more. My first day of classes my fam was already complaining. Is taking care of Danny such a burden, then tell me no and I will find a way. I almost think it would have been more supported for them to kick me out than making stay with them...  I am juat one girl , one mother, the oldest daughter, with so many emotional issues... When I was suffering during my pregnancy my mother knew a lil and would make me feel better telling me that he was no good, I guess that was the only support I felt but now I have the baby and it's ok to BAsh Reyna she doesn't have feelings. She'll take our advice and warnings and just live life by our rules I don't have feelings, call me fat everyweek. Tell me I have to loose weigh b/c I wont be found attractive, tell me that, tell me that I am only going to find a stepfather for my baby and Danny is never going to be happy. I Am never going to be happy Tell me alll fo that. Tell me that because I am a music major I wont amount to anything. I don't have a future unless I do what you did... Well I have been told all of that. Yeah ok, so I am fat how the hell am I suppose to get motivation if that is all I hear, Then she tells me well you need motivation b/c you wont do anything at all, well thanks mom with you motivation fuck having enemies put me down. I think I would far too strong for anybody to mess with me after you. But then again will I survive you???
Yeah so life is not fair. I don't have to be a genius to realize that. I have known that my whole life and so far I have been able to own pretty much everything of mine. I thnk I have accomplished quite a bit and then here comes my brother's asking for everything. Well what I want is for them to be more contiences of what is going on. Just like I knew all their problems at 11 and knew out financial status well I suggest they get informed also. They are fuckin 14 a year older than the age I was when we moved to Fontana and they yet don't know half of the stuff I knew back then. Then again they have many friends, my sister always had friends as well. I was social outcast that had to work hard for mine. It wasn't easy, let me tell, I struggled so much because of loneliness, lack of friends. I had nobody to hang out with. It wasn't like I could go sit with people I didn't know and just appear with them. I was always to weird for them. They didn't deserve me anyways. What am I going to live for if not my son? I need help so I can be there for him. I am trying not to let go of reality but sometimes it's so hard. I wish I could lock my room door and not let body in, just stay in there in darkness and relax, ignoring everything!!!! I am so tired, my head hurt, my eyes are so puffy I could barely keep them open, I am cold, and I feel pain, I am just so so sad....

So I don't know why but I feel really confused. I love my son and I know I am a great mother and I know I can't live without him but I don't think I am a suitable mother. It's not like my life has changed but like everybody makes me feel, it feels like he should be more with my parents. I don't know but they make it seem like I do nothing for him and I did was be with him which really confused me a whole lot. I am tried of getting low blows throw at me. What can't they realize that I am already feeling depressed. I am sur ethey don't know and ultimately who cares if they do anymore. I don't know, actually never cared. I know my life has a plan and I don't know what it is but I am tired of waiting. I just want my own plaxce to be happy and have my husband so that I can get mad at his bad habits and die old and happy. BUt I know, life isn't like that. Dreams never come true but nightmares do. What is it about us being unhappy that makes who ever's in change happy. There is too much misery inthis pitiful world. Sometimes I think that some would be better off death than suffer this much. I can't even step up to those who are in Iraq and have seen and been in so much suffering. I prooly would have kiiled myself already instead of having to suffer emotionally. It's horrible! And to think that I complain about my worthless life. You know anytime I have a lil bit of money I do give to bum but then I think I am debt. I am just as bad or worse but I have my car and baby, does that make rich? I dont' know I am too tired of thinking. I am too tired of life. Somrtimes I wish I was in a psych ward and I could just be there by myself with no worried. But I like tv so that wouldn't work. What would I do....
You see I am not happy one bit at all. I don't know what the cause of my unhappyness is? I mean on the 29th of september it's going to be 2 years sonce I broke up with Arturo. Can this have something to do with it?? His gf ana just put on her profile fiancee could I could almost assume that they got engaged on her b-day. But why would this affect me personally? Oh wait can it be because I have his son. Can I actuallystill have feelings for this guys that can't give me anthing but despair. Why am I unhappy, why? I wish somebody could answer me. See all I want to do is get married and be happy. I want myown home. I just want to be out of my parents. Can that be so much to ask for. I didn't think so but apparently it is. Misery...