Son's Happiness

Danny just woke up and the first thing he said was, "Where's my money, mom... I want my coins" He went to Chuck-e-cheese's yesterday after taking pictures with his dad and his siblings. So I gave him his coins... right now I can honestly say he is the happiest little boy in the world. He wanted to see the pictures so I showed him and he says, "that's Danny, and daddy and Danny and Ray and Daddy and baby Mila". I am so happy he had the opportunity to spend time with his dad because now that he is older he was able to feel something different than he can get here at the house. It is obvious that his dad and I aren't together but he is married to a wonderful girl and they have two kids together. I know Danny had the opportunity to feel loved and  return the love his dad. I think he yet doesn't understand the situation being 3 but I think that if we keep the relationship open and we communicate those transitions in the future will not be awkward. After yesterday when he says "daddy" he  says it with this love, appreciation... it kind of breaks my heart as much as I am happy for him....why? It makes me happy because he knows he actually has a daddy and it's only grandpa which is daddy as well. Secondly, we he is not going to forget what happened yesterday. What makes me sad is that he hasn't had the opportunity to really know or see his dad much and now he is going to be gone for a while. His dad is a Marine and being deployed to Aghanistan and well we all pray and hope for a safe return but now my son is asking to go to "Ray's house" (his lil half brother) and I mean we can go no problem but he will not be able to see his dad for at 13 months if they are allowed to come back on time.

Yesterday was the 2nd time in his life he went to Chuck-E-Cheese. And, it was an obvious enjoyable
because he can't stop playing with his coins and the little cups.  The first time we went he was like 5-6 months almost the age of his baby sis. During that time it was a little boy's birthday but nothing like being with sibblings and getting to play...  I hope my son has the opportunity to have with his dad given his dad has time but I think that is the only thing he doesn't or hasn't had as of yet. he doesn't lack love from us in our family and he isn't missing or lacking anything he needs. He has everything a loving and caring family could provide but any small happy moments he can share with his dad would just conclude putting the cherry on top.

What would you do if you were given a million dollars and only had one week to spend it?

Firstly I think i would get a nice eiher Cherry Red or a black/silver black(or charcoal idk the color) Corvette ZR1, a 7 bedroom house, and pay my college tuition, and hopefully be able to pay  my son's  too... Yeah, all that with one mill and more likely nothing would be left...

  
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If you had a million dollars and had to give it to charity, which charity would you choose and why?

You know what... I know there is still a moral issue but I think the best would be to Stem cell research... I need I am pro-life but  if these things are happening then we need to act ... we need to find out of those cell can really be made any other cells we want them too.... that would be awesome and the cure to many issues...

  
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Would you rather have it all or know it all?

I think I would rather know it all because one way or another... I would be able to use that knowledge to get more in life and have all I want from it too.  Smarts always finds the way...

  
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How old were you when you first fell in love? Who was it with? And what was it like?

I was 16. Sadly, I am going to say this... til to this day he has been my only boyfriend.... not from a lack of trying after having a kid... my mentality change. Anyways, He was this kid who played the sax, a musical genius in his own way. He was the type of person who took the time to get to know me... we talked probably every day for a few months before even considering the thought, hang out in school. He knew it all well most... I was a very paranoid person so he slowly helped me relax. I was an awkward person and he slowly brought me down from Pleasantville to a town in color.. He  gave color to my heart, my soul, and the opportunity to learn more and have aspirations. I think that without him I would have not known what a smile would feel like for many years... During the first year or so I was on his pedestal, in all honesty and never understood why.  He was a person I started liking because he liked me and worked so hard to get my attention. I never thought I would have liked him but a couple months in the realtionship I learned how hard life was not having communication with him. When he help me fall he help me fall quick... sometimes I thought it was revenge because I didn't pay attention to him for a year... so to get me back... I don't know...lol.  I know there was a lot of heart ache but there was more beautiful moments in life that I can Imagine. I would never trade all that pain I felt during those years. It was beautiful while it lasted and I attained long time frienships and families too... 

  
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We all have awkward moments in life...what was one of yours?

Well there were many awkward moments during high school and I guess they were are in the between hours of after school and before band practice.The thing is that I would stay after school and well use to hang out in some stairs where I would share time with a person. Well to get to the point...  The janitors in the school use to be in the look out for us... I think because of it they put camaras in those stairs...  Yeah, glad they didn't exist then...

  
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What's your favorite mathematical equation?

I know this is going to be lame but my favorite mathematical equation and one that I use a lot comes from geometry. What is the fastest way to getting to a place? It's faster going straight from point A to point C than going A to B to C...  ABC > AC

take a wild guess...  A^2 + B^2= C^2
A square plus B squared equals C squared...  yeah, it's Pythagorean Theorem

I always try and find the closes way between 2 points...  so HA! That is my favorite...

  
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Monday Funeral

Monday morning we went to a funeral. I didn't really know the family or the people very well. But the young man who passed away was a month away from turning 23. My mom said that when she got married his mom was expecting him. My mom knew them through her wedding. When she got married she had Francisco and Indeliza Loera be her Godparents for her wedding... so my parents' wedding Godparents are his grandparents... it was a very beautiful yet sad service... seriously! The unity in people strength and his friends and family... I couldn't imagine having such a sad but beautiful place in time in life to die. I couldn't imagine that even though he was so young he had so much support. During the mass, the girlfriend, the sisters and the parents spoke a little about him and it was so heart breaking loosing such an obvious asset to their family but God knows why this happens. But, the good thing for the family is obvious that they have a lot of faith because they have so much peace in their look it's pretty amazing because I see them and the family and see the pictures of the young man and I can't help but try and avoid my tears from rolling down...

This is the report I found online...

Man Died Early Thursday when Car Struck Trees in Fontana

JULY 12, 2009 - High speed appears to be a factor in a solo-vehicle crash that killed a 22-year-old man, authorities said. Jesse Valenzuela of Fontana was driving a 2007 Toyota Tundra south on Liberty Parkway about 12:26 a.m. when his vehicle swerved into the center divider south of Meyer Canyon Drive, according to the San Bernardino County coroner’s office. The truck slammed into two trees located in the median, nearly ripping the vehicle in half, authorities said. Valenzuela was wearing a seat belt, but was ejected anyway, according to the Fontana Police Department. He was pronounced dead at the scene. The Fontana Police Department is investigating the collision.

Today was a nice day... We went to Grassy Hollow Visitor's Center and spent the day there. It was nice; the kids played in the mountains and got dirty... what can I say? We all took food and shared with people... they played tug-o-war and I took pictures.... my grandma took a nice nap... it was just a relaxing day... the greatest thing is that Danny is knocked out... 

prank call

Weird so I just received a prank call... Didn't regconize the voice but if they have my number they much know me, right?  So he starts saying , "hey what's up?" So I ask, "Who is this?" And he says,"Mike" mike... so I might now many but not any that go by that nickname... and I said I didn't know a mike so then he said his name was Edgar... and I told him that the only edgar I know is a cousin.... so he says dont 'play that...  so I ask when I met him and he says that the mall... well the funny thing is that I don't go to the mall and the last time I went it was over maybe 2-3 years now... yeah that long. Anyways and he said, "Oh come on, don't play that, you said the only place you shop is the mall."  So I told him, " Like I said, you have the wrong number!" and well he says, " Go suck a dick" and hung up... yeah very nice and polite fellow... it was a restricted number so whatever....

Somebody or a few people really didn't have anything to do, to bother themselves and give me a call that took 3 minutes of my life and their life... i know they hung up because I was boring... whatever... I don't expect to enlighten them when it's a prank call.... besides I didn't have the necesity to hang up either because then they wouldd think i was scared or annoyed and call again...  booring... immature...lame...

The climb

The first time I heard this little girl sing this song; I felt it. It's something special about it and so true because there have been many of us on that road in many instances of our lives.  And that bumpy road never ends but we can't quit... The lessons we learn in live are what make everything worth while even the pain...

The Climb
(as sang by Miley Cyrus)

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,

Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh

Which Xangan knows you the best? How did your friendship begin?

Well I honestly think that the Xangan that knows me the best is the first who I invited to Xanga. Her user snoog420... I think we have had the roughest and have had the strangest of a beginning... I think that with our past and the path  that is in our future, a friendship depends on our  future and that of our kids. My son being a little older than her son by 4 months, and she has her who is 3 and a little girl 5 months... Why is the future of our kids important... They are sibblings... and our sanity helps us keep them together and keep the father sane and well in great conditions who isn't available to help... She is a great girl... who still had some frustrations to deal with in life but she is strong and God is guiding her though it all.... Things always look worst before the sun shines....

  
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Would you ever consider changing your birth name and if so, what name would you pick?

Well, I think I like it because it's been me for such a long time but when I was little I use to want to be FBI or secret police... sniper... odd... but if I ever get to do any of those I would disappear from being me and become someone else... I know it's weird but if I change my birth name I would change it to...

Athena Menhit.... Both Goddess names...  first Greek and second Egyptian....

  
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How do you like your bagels?

Well I don't eat bagels all too often but when have in the times before... I toast the bagel in half, then after I add on one half cream cheese and strawberry jelly on the other  side... yummy!! But, we don't like buying them so much....

  
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Surprise... you're pregnant...

There I was in the bathroom, my thoughts racing through my head… What am I going to do if this is true? I rinse my hands. Do I go out, are my friends in the room. I discretely open the bathroom door to notice that the room was empty.  I sigh in relieve yet in panic because this cannot be happening to me. I just want to run around the room and scream…  I look back down on the sink and there is was  the stick…  What does that mean…  Where the hell is the box… 1 line means negative and 2 lines means positive… okay, got it! Now What did it say?  Oh…  2 lines…. What are my parents going to say? What am I going to do? What will happen with school…

Where are they…  I limp to the guys room, my ankle hurting more than ever… There she was…

 “Guess what?”

“What happen?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s wrong… it’s can’t be! It said it was positive… I am going to take the other one in a bit.  99 cent ones can’t be accurate, can they?”

“Well I say wait a while before you take the other…”

“okay.”               

“You should have let AD the basket”

“Well I didn’t think it was heavy and much less hurt myself. I am going to go to nurse tomorrow and see what she says about my ankle”

I sat there on the guys’ bed watching them play Mario brothers cart… on the game cube… They didn’t pay much attention to the news… I had this worried grin… I couldn’t get out of my face… I thought I was sure it wasn’t true and couldn’t wait for the other test…

I sat patiently as much as could and just left at the indifference...  well mine… because I didn’t care about anything else but the possibilities and the things that were happening to me… I was crying out and Ramiyah… listened but didn’t know what to do… and I sure in the hell didn’t… I only had Ramiyah… and I wasn’t going to tell anyone else…  what were people doing to think… what was I going to tell them…

I got up in desperation and slowly limp back down the hall to my room… I must go and face my reality… I did the other test and to my surprise… it was no lie… it came out positive again…  this is not true… the test says it’s only 98.9% accurate… so it’s not… I can’t be…  I just can’t… What will I tell… no I’m not going to tell him and he is never going to know. It’s better if he never knows…  then I will go away and that’s it.  It’ll be better that way… but what are people going to say…

The thought just rushed through my head… and came around again… and again… I laid down my ankle hurt. I put all my clothes away and tried to relax…  the next morning was the first day of our musicology class.  I still couldn’t walk in the morning… and with the panic… and not acceptance…  after class I went to the U of R health center…

I walked into the little office in the back of the campus… hidden behind the chapel and the school of music… well conveniently right next to the dorm room I lived in. Since I was a music student I walked and they asked me why I was there and said I had hurt my ankle.  I waited for 10 minutes while they looked for my chart at the school.  After waiting for like 20 minutes they call me in… and she checked my ankle and made me move it around… after a few minutes of examining my foot she came to the conclusion,  “Your foot is sprained, sorry… but we’re going to prescribe you some painkillers.”

“um, ok, thank…but I needed one more thing… can I take a pregnancy test?”

“Sure, let me go get you a cup”

She brought me the cup and went to the rest room… I returned and gave it to her… she took it for the test… While she was gone everything was going through my head… I hope I am not… I can’t, not right now… Oh God, please help me out…  

The nurse/doctor came to me and asked,  “ So what are your plans if you are pregnant?”

“What do you mean?”

“What would you do keep the child or would you want alternate information…”

“I would keep it…”

“Well congrats, you are pregnant!” she exclaimed,Excitedly.

“What?” I didn’t know what to do the tears started rolling down my eyes and no it was not happiness… it was fright, frustration, loneliness…

“Oh my, I am going to guess this was not a planned pregnancy or was it?”

“No, it wasn’t” trying to hold my tears…

“Do you have your boyfriend and parents to help you out. Right now it’s a good time to talk to them. “

“Ok…thank… oh and what is going to happen about my ankle then…?”

“That is right, I am sorry but I could no longer prescribe the painkillers… you’re going to have  to rest you foot the most possible and let it heal…”

“Thanks…”  I left but I cried all the way to my room not knowing what I was going to do… This couldn’t be happening…  why in the worst time possible… I finally was starting to look better and this…

I went to my room, so gloomy with no life in my eyes… a was a dead girl walking to my death sentence….

I was in my room and I received a call… how the hell the he know something was very wrong… 

“ You can’t imagine the shit that went down yesterday”

“oh, what happened”

“Well we went to go tell her parents that we weren’t ready to have a baby and we’re going to get an abortion…”

“Oh, and what happened…”

“Her dad flipped out…”

“He threw her on the floor and he and I got in a fight…”

“oh, wow.”

“Yeah, she was in the hospital all night and I just got out of there. She is going to be living at my house… she can’t return there anymore. The cop told me to take her with me…”

“What? They told you that but you’re not even old enough”

“I am just following order… But what’s wrong with you. You sound all sad and shit.”

“No, there is nothing wrong…” Can’t be really tell…

“You’re lying…”

“Ok, ok… so I am having some small issues but nothing to be worried about…”

“Oh what kind of problems…”

“Oh just a guy issue… I can handle my own problem.”

“Oh yeah, You want me to beat him up?”

“No, it’s ok.”

“So, What’s up…”

“Nothing…”

“You’re pregnant, huh?”

“What?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“Why would I be pregnant, no I’m not”

“You’re pregnant!”

“Ok, Ok… I just found out yesterday”

“Who’s the father?”

“I don’t know…” slowly tearing up with a shattering heart…  but why would he ask me what… why would he even think in mind  to ask if I was pregnant… could he have known…

“So you are…”

“yeah… I don’t know…”

“How could you do this to me….I thought that everything was turning around for me and now this”

Crying, “I did what to you? I’m sorry you’re not the one that has to face everybody. I’m sorry that people are not going to see a tummy and start judging you… I am sorry I am the one who did this to you and you did nothing to me…”  “I am sorry…”

“I can’t talk right now. I need to think… What am I going to do…  I have to go…bye”

The anguish, the pain of knowing I was alone… was more than unbearable… I felt like I wanted to die more than anything.  I always felt my life was a little hard but I was drawn overboard but I was dying inside and then I blamed for ruining the only person that I had loved ‘s life… Only blamed because he had known for weeks, because he happened to guess… because catching me off guard and being vulnerable would be a perfect position to be blame… I was not ready to tell him. I didn’t want to tell him… I knew that I first needed to meet my own destiny…and come to reality….

This is all that happened on May 1^st (Sunday) and the following day… Monday, May 2^nd, 2005

One of the more memorable day…

For weeks and even months... I had been wondering.... i had been worried for quite awhile but I figured everything would be okay soon.  I didn't know what think ... there was no calls and no texts.

I had been worried about my son's grandmother. She  is one of the sweetest ladies in the world. All when the relationship I once had with her son fell apart she was the only person I was able to rely on. She was one person who help me keep going and not break down and die. To me, she became family, a mother, and friend. She and her now ex-husband always helped me so much but she I don't know what it was about her. She always gave me a subtle way of telling me to be careful and never allow yourself in what the eye doesn't see. But, although as I started growing and get the unity that we once had wasn't as close but because there were so many issues underlining her life. When I listened to her talk I understood her a little more and in return I gave her my whole side of my story as well. I don't know how I got to that point where I actually fell so comfortable with a person where I literally tod everything... everything and not excluding my doubts, the hardship and the confusions. I actually allowed that vulnerability to come with her. Even when I usually tell people things I would still keep my defense up high and at that moment I knew that she wasn't there judging... she was helping me and she held me as I cried my sorrows, my pains... ans sealed the fragile heart I needed to close.

The last time I had seen her was when Danny and I went to Yucaipa to visit Janeth. Originally they  were going to try and come with us to San Gabiel to the Easter Egg hunt but didn't happen so Danny and I went to see them on April 11.  It's July 9th almost 3 months later.

I know my mom tried calling her on many instances and she never answered or called back. My mom left messages and same thing. So I would text and she sometimes she would answer I mean she must be tried, I belieeve she was working 2 jobs at the time and well there were other things as well.  But in the last month to month and a half nothing so respond... she hadn't called or even stopped by at the house. I asked my  son's step mom and well she had been at their house the day before which you don't know how much of a relieve it was to hear or read. I was seriously so worried until I heard that she had been over there and then I felt a little relieved. I also sent my son's  aunt a message that if she got ahold of heer mom to please let her know to contact me. I haad send her a text a few days ago. Well she called yesterday to my mom's cell. They spoke for a while and then my mom passed her to me and we got to talk for a while. She really made my day when she told me," te quiero mucho y te cuidas. Le das muchos besitos a Danny y le dices que lo quiro mucho," it made me tear up in happiness and well also because she called and she is doing well.

She is such a beautiful person.  I just had to express my self of her. I trully admire her and happy to hear from her...

nonsense

I am the kind of person that in order to live a some what happy life I have to live the moment and live day-by-day. There was a point in my life where I lived in my past which also became the thought of the faith of the future which pro-longed depressions in my life, yes in plural. Although now that I am trying so hard to keep my self busy and work and find new prospects, I have a feeling I am succeeding. It may be a little slow but surely. Like I wrote my little paragraph for the magazine... in order to able to do the business it helps that I know the Marketing Plan very well. Right now as I see my life, don't get me wrong I love it, I am super busy, but it seems as though I am going down the path of business... which means that if I do things the right way I will be traveling pretty soon.  I never thought that I would enjoy speaking to people so much but I still feel as though I am being held back. Well not held back from someting deep inside of me is calling me out... no it's not my conscience... what I do is more honest than besides there are so many people around the world benifitting. It''s something else. Something that is making me cry out... and it feels as though it can't. It's not my family. I did a lot of cooking today.

Today has been a pretty fast yet long day.  I did all the prep to make some tamales... and I finally wrote down the recipe. We like chheese with rajas... it seems as thoug in my house some of us are happy when things have cheese and "chile" but I spread all the dough in the corn leaves.  Time actually went by pretty fast. At likw 9pm I decided to prepare the Yellow Chiles that I will be using to make the chiles rellenos tomorrow. Well I grilled those peppers and a few jalapenos. We're going to have both tomorrow, tamales and chile rellenos. Both take a lot of work but did a lot of the preping today. If too much had to be done tomorrow it's a certainty we wouldn't have. I think cooking heles me keep my mind clear. If I did cooking all day maybe I would be in a whole different little world.

Right now I feel as though my heart wants to crawl out and I don't really understand why. I feel as though I live a semi happy and serene life. I usually don't feel as any sucker can knock me down to the down but right now I am feeling weak, literally in every sense of the word... I feel helpless and without a cause. You might feel as though there is a reason but the sad part if there was I think I would feel a lot better if I wrote about the cause not the way I feel or have been feeling for a small while. I guess I feel a little empty inside and that is what I don't understand. It's such a great feeling being able to help otherss and allowing them to get a discount for free. What I really have to figure out is who I am, what I have to do... I have to start figuring out who I am really. For many years I have been this person I convinced people I was but never felt I was it, I have never been who I really need to be until now. I have gone through so many changes that sometimes I do not even recognize myself. I see myself in the mirror and there I am... I see my self and like always that is not me... I hear my self speak and I am confuused because the voice I am hearing doesn't belong to me...  I hear stories of me and I am a stranger... I guess we all go through a phase in our lives where we are trying to figure out who we are and our purpose in life. Well I have my purpose.... I am a person who helps in small way, I can't avoid that... I love everything I do. Now I need to fit the inbetween of who I am with my personality and what I love to do. If I can work all meeting new prospects and setting appointments. I think i would be okay.

Also, if I had all the students I would teach all day. I have these 2 great passions... distributing and teaching. I distribute but I don't sell, I just talk. I get paid for a little bit of talking. Piece of cake, well sure, now it is but I use to have such a hard time. It's these times of confusion that I always go back toa song ... Animal I have become by 3 days grace.... I know I write s lot of nonesense but I need an outlet to the insanities that runthrough the blain, the headour dreams,