nonsense

I am the kind of person that in order to live a some what happy life I have to live the moment and live day-by-day. There was a point in my life where I lived in my past which also became the thought of the faith of the future which pro-longed depressions in my life, yes in plural. Although now that I am trying so hard to keep my self busy and work and find new prospects, I have a feeling I am succeeding. It may be a little slow but surely. Like I wrote my little paragraph for the magazine... in order to able to do the business it helps that I know the Marketing Plan very well. Right now as I see my life, don't get me wrong I love it, I am super busy, but it seems as though I am going down the path of business... which means that if I do things the right way I will be traveling pretty soon.  I never thought that I would enjoy speaking to people so much but I still feel as though I am being held back. Well not held back from someting deep inside of me is calling me out... no it's not my conscience... what I do is more honest than besides there are so many people around the world benifitting. It''s something else. Something that is making me cry out... and it feels as though it can't. It's not my family. I did a lot of cooking today.

Today has been a pretty fast yet long day.  I did all the prep to make some tamales... and I finally wrote down the recipe. We like chheese with rajas... it seems as thoug in my house some of us are happy when things have cheese and "chile" but I spread all the dough in the corn leaves.  Time actually went by pretty fast. At likw 9pm I decided to prepare the Yellow Chiles that I will be using to make the chiles rellenos tomorrow. Well I grilled those peppers and a few jalapenos. We're going to have both tomorrow, tamales and chile rellenos. Both take a lot of work but did a lot of the preping today. If too much had to be done tomorrow it's a certainty we wouldn't have. I think cooking heles me keep my mind clear. If I did cooking all day maybe I would be in a whole different little world.

Right now I feel as though my heart wants to crawl out and I don't really understand why. I feel as though I live a semi happy and serene life. I usually don't feel as any sucker can knock me down to the down but right now I am feeling weak, literally in every sense of the word... I feel helpless and without a cause. You might feel as though there is a reason but the sad part if there was I think I would feel a lot better if I wrote about the cause not the way I feel or have been feeling for a small while. I guess I feel a little empty inside and that is what I don't understand. It's such a great feeling being able to help otherss and allowing them to get a discount for free. What I really have to figure out is who I am, what I have to do... I have to start figuring out who I am really. For many years I have been this person I convinced people I was but never felt I was it, I have never been who I really need to be until now. I have gone through so many changes that sometimes I do not even recognize myself. I see myself in the mirror and there I am... I see my self and like always that is not me... I hear my self speak and I am confuused because the voice I am hearing doesn't belong to me...  I hear stories of me and I am a stranger... I guess we all go through a phase in our lives where we are trying to figure out who we are and our purpose in life. Well I have my purpose.... I am a person who helps in small way, I can't avoid that... I love everything I do. Now I need to fit the inbetween of who I am with my personality and what I love to do. If I can work all meeting new prospects and setting appointments. I think i would be okay.

Also, if I had all the students I would teach all day. I have these 2 great passions... distributing and teaching. I distribute but I don't sell, I just talk. I get paid for a little bit of talking. Piece of cake, well sure, now it is but I use to have such a hard time. It's these times of confusion that I always go back toa song ... Animal I have become by 3 days grace.... I know I write s lot of nonesense but I need an outlet to the insanities that runthrough the blain, the headour dreams,