There I was in the bathroom, my thoughts racing through my head… What am I going to do if this is true? I rinse my hands. Do I go out, are my friends in the room. I discretely open the bathroom door to notice that the room was empty. I sigh in relieve yet in panic because this cannot be happening to me. I just want to run around the room and scream… I look back down on the sink and there is was the stick… What does that mean… Where the hell is the box… 1 line means negative and 2 lines means positive… okay, got it! Now What did it say? Oh… 2 lines…. What are my parents going to say? What am I going to do? What will happen with school…
Where are they… I limp to the guys room, my ankle hurting more than ever… There she was…
“Guess what?”
“What happen?”
“I don’t know. I think it’s wrong… it’s can’t be! It said it was positive… I am going to take the other one in a bit. 99 cent ones can’t be accurate, can they?”
“Well I say wait a while before you take the other…”
“okay.”
“You should have let AD the basket”
“Well I didn’t think it was heavy and much less hurt myself. I am going to go to nurse tomorrow and see what she says about my ankle”
I sat there on the guys’ bed watching them play Mario brothers cart… on the game cube… They didn’t pay much attention to the news… I had this worried grin… I couldn’t get out of my face… I thought I was sure it wasn’t true and couldn’t wait for the other test…
I sat patiently as much as could and just left at the indifference... well mine… because I didn’t care about anything else but the possibilities and the things that were happening to me… I was crying out and Ramiyah… listened but didn’t know what to do… and I sure in the hell didn’t… I only had Ramiyah… and I wasn’t going to tell anyone else… what were people doing to think… what was I going to tell them…
I got up in desperation and slowly limp back down the hall to my room… I must go and face my reality… I did the other test and to my surprise… it was no lie… it came out positive again… this is not true… the test says it’s only 98.9% accurate… so it’s not… I can’t be… I just can’t… What will I tell… no I’m not going to tell him and he is never going to know. It’s better if he never knows… then I will go away and that’s it. It’ll be better that way… but what are people going to say…
The thought just rushed through my head… and came around again… and again… I laid down my ankle hurt. I put all my clothes away and tried to relax… the next morning was the first day of our musicology class. I still couldn’t walk in the morning… and with the panic… and not acceptance… after class I went to the U of R health center…
I walked into the little office in the back of the campus… hidden behind the chapel and the school of music… well conveniently right next to the dorm room I lived in. Since I was a music student I walked and they asked me why I was there and said I had hurt my ankle. I waited for 10 minutes while they looked for my chart at the school. After waiting for like 20 minutes they call me in… and she checked my ankle and made me move it around… after a few minutes of examining my foot she came to the conclusion, “Your foot is sprained, sorry… but we’re going to prescribe you some painkillers.”
“um, ok, thank…but I needed one more thing… can I take a pregnancy test?”
“Sure, let me go get you a cup”
She brought me the cup and went to the rest room… I returned and gave it to her… she took it for the test… While she was gone everything was going through my head… I hope I am not… I can’t, not right now… Oh God, please help me out…
The nurse/doctor came to me and asked, “ So what are your plans if you are pregnant?”
“What do you mean?”
“What would you do keep the child or would you want alternate information…”
“I would keep it…”
“Well congrats, you are pregnant!” she exclaimed,Excitedly.
“What?” I didn’t know what to do the tears started rolling down my eyes and no it was not happiness… it was fright, frustration, loneliness…
“Oh my, I am going to guess this was not a planned pregnancy or was it?”
“No, it wasn’t” trying to hold my tears…
“Do you have your boyfriend and parents to help you out. Right now it’s a good time to talk to them. “
“Ok…thank… oh and what is going to happen about my ankle then…?”
“That is right, I am sorry but I could no longer prescribe the painkillers… you’re going to have to rest you foot the most possible and let it heal…”
“Thanks…” I left but I cried all the way to my room not knowing what I was going to do… This couldn’t be happening… why in the worst time possible… I finally was starting to look better and this…
I went to my room, so gloomy with no life in my eyes… a was a dead girl walking to my death sentence….
I was in my room and I received a call… how the hell the he know something was very wrong…
“ You can’t imagine the shit that went down yesterday”
“oh, what happened”
“Well we went to go tell her parents that we weren’t ready to have a baby and we’re going to get an abortion…”
“Oh, and what happened…”
“Her dad flipped out…”
“He threw her on the floor and he and I got in a fight…”
“oh, wow.”
“Yeah, she was in the hospital all night and I just got out of there. She is going to be living at my house… she can’t return there anymore. The cop told me to take her with me…”
“What? They told you that but you’re not even old enough”
“I am just following order… But what’s wrong with you. You sound all sad and shit.”
“No, there is nothing wrong…” Can’t be really tell…
“You’re lying…”
“Ok, ok… so I am having some small issues but nothing to be worried about…”
“Oh what kind of problems…”
“Oh just a guy issue… I can handle my own problem.”
“Oh yeah, You want me to beat him up?”
“No, it’s ok.”
“So, What’s up…”
“Nothing…”
“You’re pregnant, huh?”
“What?”
“Are you pregnant?”
“Why would I be pregnant, no I’m not”
“You’re pregnant!”
“Ok, Ok… I just found out yesterday”
“Who’s the father?”
“I don’t know…” slowly tearing up with a shattering heart… but why would he ask me what… why would he even think in mind to ask if I was pregnant… could he have known…
“So you are…”
“yeah… I don’t know…”
“How could you do this to me….I thought that everything was turning around for me and now this”
Crying, “I did what to you? I’m sorry you’re not the one that has to face everybody. I’m sorry that people are not going to see a tummy and start judging you… I am sorry I am the one who did this to you and you did nothing to me…” “I am sorry…”
“I can’t talk right now. I need to think… What am I going to do… I have to go…bye”
The anguish, the pain of knowing I was alone… was more than unbearable… I felt like I wanted to die more than anything. I always felt my life was a little hard but I was drawn overboard but I was dying inside and then I blamed for ruining the only person that I had loved ‘s life… Only blamed because he had known for weeks, because he happened to guess… because catching me off guard and being vulnerable would be a perfect position to be blame… I was not ready to tell him. I didn’t want to tell him… I knew that I first needed to meet my own destiny…and come to reality….
This is all that happened on May 1st (Sunday) and the following day… Monday, May 2nd, 2005
One of the more memorable day…
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