Who can love someone who hasn't figured them self yet?

I've been thinking a little more of the last blog or entry that I wrote, whatever you may want to call it, but it's not about race. The only real reason why I wrote about not wanting to date a Hispanic male was primarily because I already know their customs... likes and dislikes and the fact that it's mostly their way instead of ours, it's who they are and especially Mexican men... And I am not saying *all* because there are exceptions to the rule everywhere. And I am not closing my door to anybody all I was saying is that I am actually open minded and more now than I use to be. And I know I will never get exactly what I want but I don't think I'm too picky although I am.And I don't want to get  someone exactly how I want them I want them to be who they are and we accept each other for who we are.~SIMPLE~ And even though we all supposedly have little thoughts of the way we want someone to look like, we know that's not going to happen. But, they're more guidelines... and if you happen to get someone with those qualities more power to you...

My Criteria although more guidelines than requirements

1. I love tall men.... I am 5'5" and 3/8ths (or something like that) so any person who is tall so I can wear 3-4 inch heals is perfect. A man 5'10"+ but I definitely prefer the plus.

2. I like that he knows his limits. He knows where he can be crafty, sarcastic, funny or when to be serious. Playful or not. There at times for everything... And we must know when the time is adequate.

3. Someone who is proud of what he does. I like to hear about their job, workers, bosses... People they interact with. A person who enjoys having a conversation about nothing but is open enough to allow me to be apart of their day. What type of a job doesn't matter as long as he is happy where he is going with what he is doing...

4. Their physique- I don't care if they are slim to a lil more to love... but you know even  throughout their  body- proportioned. I am not thin... I am a curvy girl...but I don't see it in a bad way. I think I am proportioned ok...

5. Smart is a must. I love being challenged and I love being wrong but only if I am wrong. I like to be proved wrong so I can fight it to be proved right. I like a mental challenge. It's my excitement.

6. Race doesn't matter, Skin tone doesn't matter, Hair (color, or texture) doesn't matter, Eye color... I'm a sucker for green but it doesn't matter, Big feet- big hands... don't matter... size wont matter....

7. Personality- yea I need a stronger one. I've always been a lil shy so someone to bring out my wild side... or someone to tame the small wild side I do have. Open minded willing to have fun or willing to be a little different at times. Flexible.

I guess in general we all have our likes and dislikes... It's so weird because when I was little I use to long to have a boyfriend and even then i had my requirements but my first fit them in a different way. But, to be honest now that I think of it... he fit my 7 generalities of what I look for in a man. And, he didn't work for me. And, not that I wonder with him specifically because I know he is happy now which makes me happy... and he's way in the past. What I actually wonder is if I do something wrong or if I am not the right person for anybody. I guess we all have our doubts you know. It's not like I am asked out much... I would say rarely ever to none is accurate. I guess it's something that I have always wondered. I know when I was young i had so many insecurities and sure there are reason's why I can now but not as much as I use to when I was little.

I had my closest friend in the world ask me... "Do you look at yourself in the mirror?" And well of course who doesn't... and she says..."what's wrong with you, you're beautiful. Stop putting yourself down"  And I thank her for making me feel good. There are time when I do look at my self and feel confidant and I take a pic... to keep it... lol then other times I take the pic and it doesn't come out the way I see it... and I look again and I don't see my self. That's when I doubt me and agree with all those who would never even look at me. I wonder why the mirror doesn't show what I see... you know. And then I come to a realization that the way I am looking at myself at that moment is reality and that's how other's see me... And that where it ends because at that point I realize that I don't want someone if I can't look at myself and feel beautiful anymore. How can someone love someone who hasn't figured out how to love themselves? Not to mention their insecurities and doubts added to the bunch....

Who can love someone who hasn't figured them self yet?

Why I don't consider you right now...

Lately, it has come to my  mind that I would rather date outside of the hispanic race. I am Mexican-American (well mainly Mexican because both my parents were born in Mexico and well I was born in the United states)... not that I have anything against them, I don't but it seems as though regardless if they're not stereotypical ; I just don't think I can handle their drama. And that's not to say that other races don't have the same issues but we're all different especially how we're brought up.

I don't know if lately I've been a little bias but it feels as though I am more willing to accept somebody else doing something than a hispanic male at this point. I have always attracted more hispanics and blacks in general but never dated a black guy although dated a guy who only dates black girls in general, he has a lot a black male friends. 

It's not about being treated right or a sweet guy but sometimes there are things about a person that just turns me off... and lately it feels like anything a Hispanic guy does or say.... makes me turn the other way. I don't know why yet.

Ok, so there is this guy and I'm going to call him X... He's a real nice guy, gives me all these compliments... okay so he's a little sweet. He works, that's fine. He's not a big looker but whatev that doesn't matter... Something does spark off when I remember a long time ago he said something about getting really angry at his ex... for something like an abortion. Okay, understandable... I am pro-life myself but the anger spell... ok, so we're not talking as in talking but I know he's been like a lil interested in me for months...  Many times we chat on he has talked about drinking and how it doesn't effect, well we all know that no matter what alcohol causes secondary effects no matter what. Okay, so we all like to drink a lil sometimes and not only Hispanics do it obviously many people can have drinking problems. He has talked about drugs... one time he did meth while he was working because he would work 12 hr shifts and wouldn't sleep... he said something about a joint from last night. I don't know but that just doesn't seem appealing... A person who likes to drink a lot and does drugs on occasion... that wont go very well when you're older. Habits are  tough to break. My mom has issues with the fact my dad drinks and they've been together for 26 years since they were 22.And my dad is not an alcoholic... he never comes home drunk or is tipping over that way. She just gets mad because it's a bad habit. I guess I see somebody and analyze the possible outcome of the future, kind of like in the movies, where you see yourself dirt poor with a million babies and unhappy, lol I know drastic right?

I know not all people are like this but it seems like either those types of people want  somebody like me and want to try or maybe I'm looking in wrong places... Actually I'm not really looking yet. And most are just high school graduates and there is nothing wrong with that... at least they finished high school. But, in reality I would like someone who is willing to bring more to the table. Someone with at least a Bachelor's like me. Or at least a little extra education. It's not that having a high school degree isn't enough or they're not worthy but sometimes they have this inep perception of life. I mean there are people I would make exceptions for trust me but when you go to college you change your views on life... you're a more rounded person in general. And you're not literally stuck in this bubble. Well I want to know they can handle challenging me mentally so we can actually talk about politics, religions, issues around the world. I would love the whole image of sitting in the table in the morning with coffee and reading the newspaper or even watching the news before he goes to work and I go to work and take my son or more to school. I don't know... I guess I am dreaming.

What I have noticed about a  few hispanics though is a draw back... their mentality and their ego feel challenge therefore coming out with this alter ego bigger than their head trying to take over the world which we all know some hispanic girls wouldn't take being their own personal slaves... lol. (Some have bigger egos after College, and some learn control)

Anyways, so that's why I had been thinking about the possibility of dating others. I mentioned this to my brother last night. And he was like, "that's all on you" and I looked at him like if his answer was against what I was trying to tell him and he responds "No, I think you should do it, Hispanic guys are dicks" lol

I guess, once everything is  more settling in my life I will have the opportunity to meet more people in work environment. But, I have recently have had a more curiosity towards the Asian persuasion lol. Some are really cute, smart but have different insecurities. I don't know this has just been in my mind and lost total interest in hispanic... nothing against you personally. I mean this goes towards everybody. I don't need this guy who is super demanding... I know I can multi-task and get everything that needs to be done, hey a plus that I know how to cook and love learning new dishes and different types of food. Completely open... and well and other things I am not about to mention right now. But, Anyways I know we don't always get what we want or need in life but there are people who just fit but we don't know it because they don't mention. Of course that would defeat the purpose of actually getting to know a person. A complete party person eventually wants to even settle down when they realize they're getting older and still don't have a companion but not all of them. I haven't been one to be in many scenes but someday... who knows!

left his nest

My brother's baby was very sick a little while ago. He started off with a little congestion and was taken to the Doctor but a couple days later he was worse. So of course my brother started spending more time out there with the baby because he was sick even though sometimes or during the night he couldn't be in but was there. And he was told he had bronchitis too but it's because he never took care of himself. It was freezing outside and always wearing his muscles shits and shorts... always. But, I am glad he got better! And the baby was allowed to go home after a few days of observation from the hospital. I hope both mommy and daddy are conscience for the baby and spend more time with him especially in the cold.

But anyways, So last night it was freezing cold but my son wanted corn dogs so I went to the store to go buy corn dogs. And I took my other brother Orland because I didn't want to go alone. Well he was craving chinese food and that place is almost at the exit which from the store was like 7 miles... not much but it's far so I take him. And I parked and I said hey look there's Elvia's car and he said if it was her car something was broken but it was really nice inside so it wasn't. We go in get the food and get in the car. And then we see this guy.... And my bro was like hey that guy looks like Roland.. and it didn't look like him to me... I said Roland doesn't walk that way. And he looks at me like are you kidding me... So then we see the red hat under his hoodie and he starts looking like him so my bro calls him as he was going into the store. And he goes at outside to talk... and my other brother ... there's this foo I have to check... gets out of the car and rushes him... lol brothers... right.,. making a scene. so they started talking...

Let me back track a lil, so after the baby got sick we started to see a lil less of my brother... he was heading out to Hesperia every single day.. come home in the very early morning and ask for a ride to school. It seems exhausting... so this week it seemed like every time he would stop here at the house he would slowly take some stuff. I think most of his stuff is pretty much gone. So, We didn't know if he had moved out or just to spend the week out there... because over summer he was never around either. He still has some stuff but mainly it's all gone. I just found it weird that he hadn't said anything. I hadn't seen him in days and I kept asking my other brother... hey does he still live here or what.... and all he would say ... you guys probably know more than I do.

Back to where they were talking... so my brother Roland (the one with the baby) came to the car and start smooching food off Orland... and as he was eating the food ... my Bro Orland asked him the question that we all had been wondering about... "Hey, so what? You moving out or what?" and my other brother just nodded... ok... so he at last finally said something because I hate it when we don't know what is going on.. Besides he was only one that used that room because my other bro didn't like being in there. And now we have an empty room but with both their stuff. So, my bro Orland was in my room last night as we were watching a movie... because we had talked about switching rooms, either way he never used the other one anyways. And he said that my room would be perfect. And it really is if you organize it right and I have so much more stuff than he does anyways.

My brother also told the parents about my other brother's decision. And, they were upset and I am kind of still upset.. They're upset because he left without saying a word. I am upset because I want him to finish school. The school it like a mile from where we live. Now he has to travel 10 miles to go to school. I know he wants to be with the baby and his girl. But, they're there and he needs to graduate. He's been lagging at going to school and I for nothing want him to drop out. So he had a baby still in high school but without a high school diploma doors don't open as easily. I know there are  alternatives but why if he is a few months away from finishing. Once he's finished with high school he can do what ever he wants... but at least this is what I want for him. What kind of a job can he get with that... he already whines about no work but doesn't look for any. Times are going to get tough I feel it. But, I wish him the best and he must finish school!

Now, there are only 2 of us left... C'est la vie!

Would you ever take someone back after they cheated on you, and why? What could change your mind?

this is a really hard question and I think have been faced with this predicament in the past. And I have to say that in the past when it did happen. I did but it was fruitless, the relationship never got better it just got worse. Honestly, I don't think I would. I think I prefer to be alone than unhappy. I don't think trust can really be  re-established. Well minimal can, but how hard is it to try forgive and forget. What would happen every time you would be pissed off the issue might  come back. Well in my opinion... I don't know but it wouldn't feel the same.

I think that the only way this could change if possible would be starting the dating process from scratch... like from day one when he met and did what ever to win me over. Likeliness of it happening probably zero to none but I guess it depends on the person and how much they really do love you.
  
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What's your biggest insecurity? Do you think you'll ever overcome it?

The biggest insecurity I have always had since i can remember has been my body/weight and ever since I was young. I remember my mom always telling me things about it which made me more insecure and unhappier about my body  and instead of helping it felt like it would sink me into insecurities and it depressed me.

Well things got worse after I had my son...and instead of support I just felt like I was being bombarded with negativeness...

I think with my self being more positive about things and feeling happier... the change for better has slowly started. I don't think it can happen over night. And I know it's a slow process but as long as that is true there is hope. I know I can overcome it and will. With more positive reinforcement I think everything will be ok.

  
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What are the possible reasons why you fall out of love?

Falling out of love is a difficult emotion to talk about. Love is already hard to describe even when you're floating in the clouds but how can we fall out of love when it's so hard to trust someone to begin with. I think that when there is a lack of trust in your partner and you have a confusion of what is happening, a lack of communication, being uncertain if we both feel the same way... distance... no affection... more tears than laughter... you starting feeling unloved ---alone, that's when you start falling out of love. And in many instances with people as they're falling in love with somebody they're healing their heart and falling in love with somebody else.

  
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What's the worst thing you've ever done out of anger?

Out of anger... at first bc I was pissed I would cut 12 inches of my hair... drastic changes... I've done self-mutilation when I had no control or felt I was loosing or felt I needed to feel something... and now with less control I throw my own temper tantrum... I know lame but I hold them in so I am sick the next day ... boo! The worst is definitely the 2nd one...

  
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What's the craziest thing you've ever done to impress someone? Did it work?

Well as far as I can tell he was impressed in a sense... I drove 2 hours to go to this housewarming party... I'm establishing new friends in LA and the guy having it was flirting a few weeks before for me to go and all I said that I'll think about it. Well, had another friend talk me into going. He said if I didn't know anybody I would know him  so I went. And he was the only one I knew but by the end of the night I knew more people And our host(there was 3 *roomates*) was happy to see me there. Maybe a lil too happy jk but it was memorable night for sure.
  
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My friend

My friend, can we say that our friendship did not start off to a good start? Well actually we weren't even friends when we met. Or you can't even say we had really met because i didn't know much of her but she knew who I was and let's just say that she didn't like me very well.

Since I was little I was uber shy and well I never said much or did much because I was self restricted. Anyways, but my eyes lingered everywhere lol what else can I do if I felt I couldn't talk... well obviously see.

So this girl pretty much hated. Didn't care who I was, what I did... I had apparently looked at her in a bad manner... hahaha I didn't even know who she was... The dislike or the uncertainty of my mystery was more than enough to  motivate her to well start being a "distant" bully which mean to make my life miserable but I was unaware of who was controlling it... Kid games you know.

It was hard enough for me to interact with people but the only way I did but playing games... Dodgeball, teatherball, handball... and I can honestly day i was the best of the best girl there... (not to be cocky, lol) but recently found some elementary friends and they mentioned back to '94-'96 when we were in 4th & 5th grade and she talked about it... made me blush because she remember and confirmed ... lol anyways...

So ok, I guess this friend who I was firstly talking about started spreading some rumors about me... Never quite knew what she said, who she said it to but it felt like they followed more unto middle school than anything else. 6th grade was a horrible year for me but luckily I still had a few friends from 5th grade there but with having to change my schedule around because I was suppose to be in music, I lost touch with so many people and I was alone. I didn't know many except a cousin in 8th grade but she was a lil popular and I didn't feel like I fit into her world so I left her alone. I just kept getting the sensation that people were starring at me... idk  Especially from the kid I had had the biggest crush on... we were semi good friends and then stopped talking to me I guess it happens when you are cute and you get  popular with the in crowd. So I lost this person for a while who I had no idea supposedly put turmoil in my life. Continued life the boy I had liked asked me to play in his basketball team ( for a tournament during lunch)  which I joined but was canceled due to fights...

Seventh grade came along... i joined another basketball team bc they needed a girl and I was randomly passing. Man did I enjoy playing and lil did they know I knew how to play... I was good at blocking and 3-point shots... I loved the game...then once I saw them talking to my crush and I don't know they started acting weird... could have been my imagination but for the championships they had another girl...so I technically was replaced.

 I would just hang out by the basketball courts in morning when I would get to school and then during lunch time to watch all the boys play... i loved watching specially if I was able to spot him. Well, I was standing around and a lunch aide was around... and we were all standing there (Her name was Ruth) There was a girl with her, they just talked and gossiped and stuff... so Ruth asks me do you know her and I said "No" even though I did, I knew who she was a lil and well she knew me...so Ruth says" this is Dulce." I said "it's nice to meet you" and continued watching the basketball courts. Something happened that lunch because we had had something in common where we laughed, pissed off Ruth and started talking. It's like we clicked and after that we were always together. We would walk to school, hang out by the courts(morning and lunch) and walk home together. We would be endlessly talking. there was always something to talk about, always. She helped me through my minor depressive mode in middle. And the tragedy struck when I had to move. We lost touch for a lil while. I moved away in 1998.And it's 2011 and I am fortunate she is still what I can consider a best friend. Distance keeps us apart and I know I don't talk much about her but she is what she is in my life. (oh and she admitted to things she would say about me, don't remember bc they're no longer important) I just got to spend a day with her on wednesday, I took my son and stopped at her house in San Gabriel because I didn't know her number. Surprised her to the max...So I asked her if she wanted to go to the park because I had promised my son. We took her 2 kids and my son and we were there all day... they enjoyed it.

There is a small problem though, a tiny one. Her boyfriend is jealous of me. I don't know why. I guess she has always talked about me and when I left and they were in high school I was MIA and he became her best friend which he then became the boyfriend. I am not there to take anything away from him I am just her friend and we can. But, it's always nice to talk to her...Give her my views on life now and they're a little different because we liked changed shoes now. I was telling her how my all time crush had gotten in contact with me and she said go for him, you wanted him for so long and the truth was that I did and was going to just because the satisfaction of it but I don't want him anymore. Things change and he's still very cute, tall and hs something in common with all the guys i've been talking to hanging out with (tv/ production/writers- in those lines) but idk he's not in my total interest right now. And she finds it funny that now I can say no when he was like everything in a lil poor girls heart 15 years ago.. lol

So enough with the stories... yeah life of 2 friends still continues and we just don't loose touch. I set up a facebook for her on wednesday and now she can talk to more people. Technology is great when you use it. And I am going to teach  her not to be so secluded :)

:)

OK, so these past few weekends have been fun if I do say so myself. 2 weeks ago I went to a Party in Playa Del Rey and well that was the first time I met the person who invited me but I at least knew another friend, Tony. It was fun, completely different environment than I have ever been well I guess because I didn't know anybody but got to talk to some cool people. Drank some and relaxed. I didn't mind it at all...it was fun! People are funny... so many experiences... hahaha! And well I spend the night out there because obviously I wasn't going to drive while the influence. Well the host who invited me was very nice and let me sleep on his bed. It was one of the most comfortable beds ever. :) Very nice. So that whole weekend from friday through sunday was all LA ...

Well past weekend went to Las Vegas for a small convention. very fun. Had a few drinks... I took my mom around bc I am still helping her out but she wasn''t uptight... She was relaxed so I felt relaxed. We didn't really spend any money... We stayed in a motel 6 the first time and the second night we were just walking around the hotel... sleepy as fuck ... so around. It was relaxing and fun nonetheless...  We got to walk around get to see some sights... loved the Bellagio.

So when all these hardships are all over... And I am completely free.. I starting my gym membership again. I miss the sweat... lol not really but Ido miss it. And to follow an Apt maybe closer to the SB/LA border... I have been enjoying going out there... and always lived so close to LA never really appreciate what was in my next door. I think I will enjoy some of that. ;)

My day

Yesterday was a nice day. Although, I thought my kids were going to pay yesterday. I guess I have to wait 2 more weeks... it makes it tough... But, I took my sister Posole at work that my mom had made the day before... She offered me to eat there but since I had to work and had my bro there I told her that he would eat...but I do have to say having such limited income... it sure would have been nice to get some food from her... lol oh well! but it was a couple nice lessons, very productive and then I had sectionals which I don't get paid for but I like to do because it shows the improvement overall. So after that my friend Tony and I went to Dinner at Lucille's BBQ in Victoria Gardens and had a nice chat...  It was peaceful but the night was cold and windy but peaceful nonetheless ... I got home at 11pm  and we talked about the party going on in LA on Saturday I guess it starts at 9pm ... one of his friends is hosting it. I was invited by the friend like a week or 2 ago but I don't know... I do want to go it's different people I've never met and it would be a great idea to meet new people and get out of my box even more...  I would meet his gf and see a lil more of the LA area :) I do want to go and I've put it in my mind to go but I don't know... we'll see... I still don't know if I do go if my mom will watch Danny or I can ask my sister... but since her bf is leaving soon I don't know if she will want to... I know she doesn't work on Sunday for that might be ok but Idk yet...  Still in the air but I think we'll see

This morning My son told me that his name is Junior so I asked him why he said that he decided... he said that he had told my brother that... So he told me his name is no longer Danny it's Junior and I asked is it bc your name is Arturo ... so he shrugs and thinks about it... and says his name is Arturo Junior....  lol... he's funny I don't know where he got that... the last person who called him that was his Grandpa Schmidt when he was really lil... kids right... =D