What was your favorite moment or event of this holiday season?

I do have to say that I always look forward to the New Year. For me,  I don't care about the gifts or chocolates, people supposedly receive or give. Love, is always one of the most important emotions to give and receive. In my household we have a semi big family but they're all weird or idk but it's not like a traditional get together ever so as a couple of my friends started their traditional New Year's Party which is still their family but all of our friends too which we have all become a big family, brothers and sisters. And after their "wedding of the year" in Oct 2011 we all became even closer especially the ladies... which I didn't really know btw. This year once again the traditional party continues at their house...always starts on the even and goes onto the morning, The Rose Parade and everybody scatters their own way after. It has been the only place that my parents finally got use to the fact that  I was going to stay over the night. Yup... :) I drink and chill and don't have to worry about the drive back. This year I still don't know if I will be taking Daniel or not but i just might. It might be easier, it always is....

This is my favorite event of the Holidays... and my birthday even though it's 6 days after never matches to the happiness I get from bringing in the year with my cherished friends!!! So glad I met half of them in High School and continued unto College and met others after :)

  
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the "g" word came up

Here we are once again. He has return yet a third time. He  might really have some determination to keep coming back over and over. He is once of those who what wants he almost always gets or I don't know. And I mean last time after I felt neglected in a bit I just started talking to the one person who changed  my life in a month but that was it. And here he is trying again. So I asked him what he wanted bc at times he just speaks of what he wants like (you know, that) so I asked him is that all you want? And he actually said no that he wanted something more. He wanted a girlfriend. So I asked why was he trying again. I mean I am not that bitchy but  like a couple months ago I straight out turned him down and kept saying no. So he tells me he's been really busy... so I tell him that if it were to ever lead to more he can't expect me to let a month or 2 without any communication and expect me to still be around. He admits he has some stuff to work on. I don't know but I told him I would get to know him better. I guess I just admitted to giving him another chance. The sad thing is that I am not too thrilled about it but I guess someone who tries should get a benefit of the doubt. I know he doesn't have a good reputation well he has a pretty bad rep. My sister doesn't like him for sure and will not tell her or ever let her know until and if anything is to happen. The last person I talked to sure wasn't fond at the fact that I talked to him either.... *sigh* I don't know. I mean he has custody of his daughter she is in Kinder right now. He must not be bad if he takes cares of his daughter and she means the world to him. People aren't always perfect but we all deserve a chance I guess. Maybe we all don't all deserve to be completely happy but making someone else happy. I mean I am not making the complete decision of this yet... of course I am not going to pretend to be happy with someone even thought they're happy with me. Just like I would make anybody stick around with me if they weren't happy. It's not fair. And growing up, it's just so much easier to say no but I guess it's been really easy for me my whole life. 

I've had my kicks but when it comes down to completely settling, this is something you really have to think through. I really have to think about Danny and not only Danny but that I can be capable to carrying the role as a mother or stepmother to another child. I know it's more common now but it's still something to consider. I mean I am sure it's something that he has thought about and that's another reason he might have me as a potential choice and that he really likes me. This is a little complicated. I guess sometimes we don't always get what we want and sometimes we end up conforming... it might just be a part of life. It is fair? I don't know but only time can tell what happens. Security, I am sure I can have... sacrifices there might have to be a lot. 

What is the worst Xmas/birthday/valentine/anniversary gift you or your friend ever received?

Actually to be honest the worst gift for any of these not materialistic items but the fact or the realization of being alone and not having someone to share it with. It may not make sense to some but it will to others. You can receive a hideous item but someone thought you might life it or you came to mind when they bought it. But, when you're alone and nobody takes the time to realize you're alive, that's Jul 31, 2013 the worse moment...

  
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rambling with tangents

It is so weird but the day is rapidly approaching where a different number will be alongside my first digit of 2(*) and soon enough it  will start with a 3- but I am not 29... lol not that soon... I don't know if I am the only one that feels this way. Time flies and I am the least to notice how swiftly it goes but i am afraid that one day I will look into the mirror and realize that my skin is wrinkled, my hair highlighted with sheers of gray. my son all grown and I realize that there is not much worth for what I've done and I am still lonely. I hate to think negatively  but as years comes I can't help but to feel depressed. Sure every year has it's moments but are 5 months of a year worth it when 5 of the time you were crying or when 4 of the months are memories you can't really have... I am still til today happy and sure I am still living with a few memories frankly because sometimes just remembering some moments of this year of 2010 are far better than just the current present time. 

I can't believe I still feel like I haven't aged since I was 19 which is what scares me the  most. I see 17-19 year olds and realize that they're the age of my youngest siblings and then it starts making me feel of age. And then I think of how fast time has flown by and here I am 4 years under my belt with hardly anything to vouch for. Yea, Sure there are a few accomplishments without a doubt but not big enough. Maybe the end will have to go with a bang to make up for all the lost time but by then what will be the point. 

People keep telling me I am young and blah blah blah... sure in comparison to them probably but I may be but I still feel the time is closely coming to an end... and I don't mean this in a morbid way but it is. 

I feel I have missed out meeting people and frankly there are things that are my fault and the dreams and goals of a lil girl full of dreams come in 9 days from today will be completely unfulfilled. There is no control in life... and I've always have had a difficulty getting to know the men...partly bc I am what they say a little different. I bring in curiosity but I don't think anybody has ever seen me as more than a second of their lives... I see people and I feel as though they can't see me as something else...Meeting people is not easy. Friends have suggested online dating... but I don't want to... I've talked to people but I get bored, annoyed and it's not fair to people... I guess I don't know if I am being a little shallow, I'm not that pretty, I do have a good heart but that isn't always enough. 

I guess I wish I can truly make this year for my birthday is that I at least have someone who loves me and I can cherish by the time I turn 30 without having the aides of dating sights. I mean sure I have talked to a few people who I have come in contact but weren't total strangers through FB but  we'll see what happens. I guess life and things are hard enough than to add a completely stranger to the chaos I cause... 

But, I guess that through it all I will at least have those friends who  have walked side by side throughout the years... We've all had our hard times in life but none the less we're all still there. For the first time this year I took a guy to a party with my friends and still I continue to take none to the new year's party... but it's ok... I realized a lot of things... "beggers can't be choosers" well they can right...  I don't conform to less than what we both deserve... and I don't mean this in a looks column but attraction always comes into play... mine is intellectually... Only one person has challenged me in every way which happened to also be in this year of  2010 but that's the past also. And most can't handle... I hate when people call me smart or always right and can't seem to take the challenge. I don't act or pretend to be right to stay right.... Anyways... I've rambled about god knows what here... 

yup Christmas and forward

Things are good and bad as always... things are very tough economically and even though we are like 4 months behind we finally manage to pay 1 1/2 worth of it... food is very little I think we're surviving so we're not starving. Things are very tough but at least my dad is working. We finally got my white car back so thankfully my dad is coming back to sleep at home more often than he was before. For a while we thought he just didn't want to come back but he is coming back so I think he appreciated what it is to be with us. 

Christmas well in our household for years it has mainly been just a regular day but it was a good day. We didn't do anything for Christmas Eve well we never do but this year since my brother's gf was coming over we made some dinner... something fast and my sister came over that night too... We ate and then watched a movie... and then sleep... Christmas day we all woke up really late and my dad didn't want to go to church with my mom so she asked me... my sis and I both went with her.Then we came back and made food. My sister has bought something for Danny for Christmas so she had him open the gift...  Since for his birthday she got him a Buzz Light Year, for Christmas he got a Woody ... he was very excited and she got him a little shirt and her friend bought Danny a pair of shoes... We are very grateful for all of them. Then in the evening her bf came over and he brought Danny a lil gift which ended up being "How to train your Dragon" and Danny hasn't stopped watching it since then....  People who love Danny! 

Unfortunately, for the rest of us we couldn't buy anything but that's what made me realize so much more the meaning of Christmas and how family is so important. See when we were little and like many kids you get an idea -a false idea- of Christmas which is receiving gifts and sure very year we would look forward to it but that wasn't but it really was about. I know this was the first year in my life where I just couldn't afford anything for him which I felt bad. But, at the same time he's not asking for Christmas gifts bc it's nothing something we have embedded into  his little mind. We have had tough years for sometime now and my bros still complain a bit but there is so much they don't understand... which is where money comes from... Jobs are still tough... but we're all trying our best to make ends meet. Sometimes some take for granted what we have....they complain about the food and that we don't have TV... and our services being shut off all the time but we're struggling and trying our best. 


I hope things change soon. Well I know things will change. And it's always for a positive. One brother has his baby due in like a week... he's the one that will have to do the more growing up and changes bc he's just too selfish still and doesn't understand. The comments he makes are so frustrating...  But we are all in a path and we have a place and a mission to accomplish. 
 
The New Year is  right around the corner.There is so much to give thanks for. There are so many people that have came in and left... so many have impacted in ways they will never know... but that's what I am thankful for. I think that even though 2010 has been the poorest year, it has truly been the year that we have been given many gifts particularly myself. I have learned to open and close myself... I have learned more about my heart and people... and what makes me happy and how to control my sadness. I have learned to actually want a pregnancy once again  then yet again not want one. 

This year like every year has been for like 5-6 years... if it all goes as planned I will be going to my friends to end this old year and welcome the New Year! I know we should do it in family but it's not a constant thing with the family and it's been a small tradition established where we all go see each other and enjoy... it will be all just like in Vegas in September and the Wedding in October... the same friends always together making  memories... the best of friends.... and even though we rarely see each other the moments we do they're memorable. :) Which reminds me the Wedding premier for the October one we were in will be on January 9th, 2011 ! 9pm in WeTV which means there will be posting of pics shortly after. I can't believe the time has finally came. Time flies... 

Dream

Well the last couple of nights have been full of dreams especially this night. They have consisted of Tony which I am yet to understand because we haven't had that much communication. Or better yet there is now less interaction. I had a lot of dreams last night and remember bits and pieces but very blurry. There was a lot of action as in movement but there is one that stands out the most and I don't know why but it woke me up with my heart racing...

So I was in like this lil cart, it seemed Like I was getting on a ride or something . I remember looking down at it and thinking man why do My hips have to be so big... So I kept trying to scoot over to my right and kept moving over but of course there is only so much right you can move... And when I was in the process doing that Tony comes and sits right next to me. Good thing he's really skinny or wouldn't have fit. He sits and puts his arm around me. I was so confused and he says "let me tell you something" and my heart starts racing, his arms around my shoulder and turning me as he's looking straight into my eyes "you're different, they're all the same. They're too normal" 
"even ......" referring to his now b and he nods ... He was about to say something and I freak out ... And that's where I wake up ... I couldn't sleep and I couldn't hear what he had to say ... It was too much for me to handle even in a dream. 

It was weird I've never had a dream where I felt it was too intense and I couldn't take hearing what they had to say. Good thing it was a dream and not real... I guess easier to run in a dream than if we were face to face...
I guess since it was also a dream I just preferred not giving me a false illusion at something that's not... I mean its obvious. I try really hard not to think of him like that but only as friends ... And when this happens it helps doubt whether I'm actually over him or if he were to kiss me I would still melt. His kisses have been one of the only ones that struck me and I felt something. *sigh* yea good thing I didn't hear the last part...

cycle you suck!! and random events...

Stupid Period... I hate you!!! Last month you did me dirty and started way too early and this time you were suppose to supposedly start on saturday  the day before I took the patch off and what... it's tuesday now and you still haven't shown up... wtf!  

Yea, to this point all I think it's the patch is really messing with my cycle... and to top it off my cycle diary thingy I had  on my phone kind of went crazy when I updated my phone and erased everything ... well I am kind of hoping the new due date  it has on those does come true... Idk... it's so weird but I should add the previous months anyways... 

I am not worried about it not coming ... but  it doesn't make me happy when it doesn't come when it's suppose to...  

So I just updated from the last months... like july, august and sept... which were the ones on my real calender and sure enough with the irregularities... it set it as I should have started on last thursday and well yesterday should have been done with it... grrr... Without those 3 months to calculate I wasn't suppose to start until the 8th... but obviously we are all set to a timer and why has mine with fucking up..., starting right before these stupid patches... and the sad part is with them I hadn't even had sex...  oh the irony of shit. Which reminds me... about Tony he texted me on thankgiving which was nice,
 
"Happy Thanksgiving reyna! hope its filled with love and happiness. Miss ya! " .

.. Not a group message like many of us send but a nice one directed to me... I thought that was sweet. And then he texted me today also he is so random idk 

"Good morning reyna! have a wonderful day!! "

People are so random. Sometimes I don't understand but whatever... a truce is a truce...  Oh and Bobby was talking to me a couple days ago... and sending me kisses via "bbm" which I didn't return... and he said that he misses our deep conversations... lol so I asked him which one..." And he said "the one where u had a man" ... I couldn't help but laugh... he always asks me  how Danny is doing... I feel bad though bc he always asks about him and in return I'll ask about his lil first but I don't remember her name for the life of me... idk I guess I just sort of went back to being indifferent about guys again. 

And I have thought about Tony but I man I gave him up for sure... I wouldn't ever had anything with him without a relationship... And this is the first time I have thought about this... on how what I remember of him would be jeopardized... So I'll talk to him via text... But, I wont tell him I miss him ... or "miss ya" how he put it ... I guess even though he's very comfortable talking to me and I am too I am still a lil  stand offish ... idk... it felt like he was flirting a bit today... and might have caught himself and then we just stopped talking... idk... people are freaking weird and random... Oh and Itold him to guess about a friend who found me on FB and we're going to have lunch together... and he kept saying his friend Roger so now I am wondering if his friend told him we text sometimes...or idk... his friend was flirting with me... I guess it might have seemed as if I started it... so what ev...and he asked "Bobby?!" and no it wasn't... and he asked Roger again... and I told him no... I wonder what they have talked about now... hmmm... but I am going to have a lunch with his ex (the love of his life) Vanessa.... Well she was one of the only girls who broke his heart in high school. She found me and wants to have lunch ... it was also random and odd... she just found me a lil while back and thursday the only day I go down happens to be a day off for her so we'll be meeting... I don't know about all of these random or none random but I guess we'll see thursday. This should all be all interesting and entertaining... we'll see what we talk about it... she is very happy with her now bf and has a son... Tony told me part of the story of when she left him so I know more of what happened with her after high school... 

Sometimes a little off(different), mostly shy but very talkative-don't get me going I can talk about everything and anything or look it up on my phone,enjoy listening to debates and sometimes loves arguing about nothing too haha! love dark colors:Red and black, rose is my flower(fits in all similes of my life), always in search but never known of what, easily amused and happy,  but don't press my buttons bc easily depressed and crazily angry psycho bitch {if you haven't met her, it's not your lack of trying, it's my self- control ;)} love the word "exotic"~ "strikingly unusual or strange in effect or appearance!" Yes, I'm a bit vain but if I wasn't who would love me more than I do...haha! I am perfectly imperfect... unbalanced but head straight... I am many contradictions... You can say I am just an oxymoron... 

sectionals

Today is a very good day. I was called by the band director and he wants me to have 4 sectionals... in the next 2 weeks... 2 this week but since kids only have 3 days of school that means Tuesday and Wednesday sectionals... :) and next week Tuesday and Thursday. What I liked best was when he mentioned Money.... that truly made my day today. Work... yay! Which means I still have my few lessons this week but I get to make enough to -pay for my phone this month... yay! Maybe this month they wont shut it off... it's so hard finding a job... and I've looked posted resumes... applications... endless...geez... I know I over qualified for some but please I just need a job just will give me some steady pay check for now... inconsiderate... and if it was close to home and I didn't have to drive an hour to work even better!!

Cruel to be kind

Oh, I can't take another heartache
Though you say you're my friend
I'm at my wits end
You say your love is bonafide
But that don't coincide
With the things that you're doing
When I ask you to be nice
You say you gotta be
Cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you
Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind
Well, I do my best to understand dear
But you still mystify, and I wanna know why
I pick myself up off the ground
And have you knock me back down
Again and again
And when I ask you to explain
You say you gotta be
Cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you
Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind
Well, I do my best to understand dear
But you still mystify, and I wanna know why
I pick myself up off the ground
And have you knock me back down
Again and again
And when I ask you to explain
You say you gotta be
Cruel to be kind, in the right measure
Cruel to be kind, it's a very good sign
Cruel to be kind, means that I love you
Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind


Letters to Cleo
Nick Lowe

dream beginning of week

It felt like I was in smith park (in a park I grew up in, in San Gabriel City, down the street from the San Gabriel Mission) and we were Just enjoying our time. It was daylight... There was a lot of family surprisingly... So then I see tony in a wheel chair being pushed by his friend Gabe but he wasn't hurt they were just playing... Tony had his hands up and legs were up almost like if he was going weeeee.... I was so confused he was there but I didn't approach... I saw Tia Librada yelling at her kids but for some reason they were small BC everything else felt real time ...the one thing I don't remember up to this next point is if I was alone for the beginning or just watching...
Well I walk to the edge of the park where the handball walls are and I'm putting on my black button up shirt loosely over my other shirt when there she was Laura my cousin... She gave me such a big hug...and I almost cried bc I was so happy to see her. And she said she knew it would surprise me.... So we talked and I told her that he was there... There were a big group of guys there in thebasketball court just hanging out and sitting towards the back. Tony was right in the middle of all of them... At points he would disappear within the crowd of friends. It felt like they were protecting him or something... or they were a force field but I recognized many of his friends he has pics with... Don't know names but i'll look them up later. Then all of a sudden everything went black.... I turn back (my back was to the guys) and everybody was there I think it was pitch black.... And a huge white semi truck passes at my right and then another on my left.(it's like at the point where those trucks pass... it's like flashing lights... it happens so fast and I felt trapped ) So confusing. I turn back and all The guys are gone (I turned back to see if he was there bc at that point of fear I wanted a comfort face and no one was there). Laura is gone too and now people trying  to on their camera lights to see... Then I see Dulce as a lil girl with a lil boy (like if it was her lil brother but she doesn't have a little brother) playing water with some blue tight jeans and a lil T-shirt and The lil boy wearing shorts.... All I remember doing next is sitting in one of The park tables And a tennis ball just came rolling and I stopped it with my foot...

dream of last couple of nights!

Not last night but the night before...I know it's minimal but I had a dream... well a couple but the first one that I  really engraved in my mind was a motorcycle... All I remember is me in it. Don't know where I was going just that I was able to go fast and steer though it all. Nothing got in my way. :) I loved the wind in my hair as I went  faster down the mountain.

Then that same night I had another dream. We've all been a little sick here at my house. But in my dream I had to tell my mom something. And she tells me, I knew when I saw you sick and saw you eyes. And I was left with nothing to say. In my dream I don't remember if I told her or is she tells me but in any case in my dream I was pregnant and confused and sick... lol great combo!.

Last night all I remember is vaguely one dream. I was holding some Dinner... with important people. It was like a business deal or something. It takes place in Hollywood. 

Then I briefly remember that I was waiting for people to come. Tony was standing next to me or we were having a conversation in the bar or what seemed like a clear table but I was facing down and then looked out the Window. I had another friend showing up with a friend he knows from College. And he had given her flowered... Like big daisies or they looked like daisies but the flowers were yellow and orange. And he pulled her my her arm and was trying to hold her hand.But I knew she had a bf but I don't know why I got jealous. It  was so weird and then we started the meeting. Then I don't know why but it was me and Tony somewhere in some parking lot and he asked me if I had gone somewhere... and I just gave him like a mysterious smile. I was suppose to then go to Japan or something... He asked me where my meeting had been and I hesitated and said Hollywood and he asked me why? 

just bits and pieces... It was a lot of questioning in this one...idk

Month

Ok... so probably only you and I can read this because it will be protected and you're my only friend in the protected section... lol so you can choose not to read... it's about period...idk

Maybe I am just worrying too much or making a deal out of nothing because there is no way anything. I think the birth I started using has really fucked with me... I started using the path but I never remember it affecting me like it has this time. Granted last time I used it I was probably in high school and early college but still. Well I mean my cycle did come 5 days earlier(which was 2 weeks) after having sex with Tony and had just had it the week before we did anything. And it was a day shorter than usual. The weird part was that it was a little heavy the first 2 days and the next 2 days minimized to almost nothing.I never have these type of changes but it was during this time that I started using the birth control. So 8 days after that I was spotting for a day (which was the 20th) and then 10 days after which was Oct 30... spotting, halloween spotting...and these first three days of November have all been spotting... I took off my patch sunday bc this is my week of... but that is a lot of spotting.... I thought that today maybe my regular period was going to start bc it seemed a lil heavier but no those were just spots...I had gone right before this period or this spotting for a prego test at the 99 cents store... I know I am cheap but they told me when I was with Danny and it came out negative... so I was happy but even back then I didn't trust them bc they came from the 99 cents stores... 
But I know this spotting isn't my period because I haven't let go of any lining... it's just blood... I know I am suppose to regularly have my period next week on the 8-12 of the month but then why has it been like 5 days of spotting and no lining yet...  
 
It's been 6 weeks since we had some kind of intimacy... And I am not really worried... I mean I am not... but I wasn't on BC yet and it was a little unexpected... and we weren't protected...  He said he didn't get there so ideally I should be find. He said he had a lot of control... but he was able to just keep going and going... it was amazing... I had never orgasm-ed so much... He said it felt like jet fuel bc he was able to keep going... that was fun... but he reassured me he didn't get there at all... 

Anyways forgetting about that... lol 

So that is still my dilemma...  I guess now I have to wait and see if I do get my regular period... but that is a lot of spotting for a whole month

Well the worst part was today though... I do feel a little bloated... but mainly weak, very shaky... and I had the worst nausea. Everything smelled nasty. And I tried to eat something that I had been wanting for a while and it just didn't taste like anything... so disappointing... 

Just hope it's my cold I have... that's it!

BC

Stupid BC.... you've been making me spot all month... Damn maybe I should have seen it coming and not even started anything... f... freaking getting checked... that was the only good thing... but started... now I can't stop because my system was normal well ... oddly enough last month it wasnt it came 5 days early which it never does and lasted a day shorter than usual... and I started the BC that week... I mean the good thing is that it's controlled my mood swings and drastic hormonal changes... but now I am spotting...I know I can't stop now... must keep it going because then I'll get lazy again. This is my week without the patch and I am really hoping for it to  hurry... I took it off yesterday and I am very moody today... Sunday again... and I guess it's better to be protected even if you're not actively doing anything than not be protected and something does happen.... life is weird and has it's twists... feeling very sad... bc so many things make me think but trying to stay optimistic and keep my goals for my future so that the next does see what I want and doesn't think I am so complicated or that my life is complicated... I just want a simple kind of life... and nobody sees I can't do it by myself...

Think back a year ago. Has there been any big changes in your life since last year? What's changed?

Actually, the funny thing is that everything has changed completely in my life... I mean I think they're not that actively noticeable but they're there. I have regained confidence in myself thanks to someone. I manage to become a better version of me. I've started caring more of me and who I am and eating better and exercising so I can even look better. I have stopped some bad habits that use to control and rule me. I feel life in a different perspective. I don't trust people easily anymore though. I was always one to be trusting. And it's not everybody but so far most of the men I have allowed to get closer to me in a sense have somewhat left me hanging, not all but have managed to disappoint me in a way. I still think there is hope but rather than trust first I think it's time they gain my trust. Life has never been easy but why am I going to complicate my life more than I need to. I am starting to get on my feet... it's taking some time... but I am actively looking to better my lifestyle in every single way. I was told a couple weeks back that I need to set my priorities straight and he's right. It was time for another focus and time for change. I think my life can finally start moving forward in a difference direction but a happy one. I am realizing that I don't think the love, or acceptance of a male figure to be happy because I can make myself happy. As long as I am optimistic and keep my self motivated I can be a happy person and live a life of fulfillment for my self and my son.
A year ago I was a wreck... 2 years ago...I was going insane... 3 years ago... I was barely falling apart. Most people don't know who I am or how I am or the type of struggle I face. The challenges I take seem to overcome me and it's sometimes a little hard to explain. But for those same reasons I understand why people have failed me ... or more so I failed them... I say they failed me because obviously I am trying to keep a special outlook in life and right now is not the time to fall apart. I've had some of the happiest moments in my life the last few months... I will never trade any tears, laughters, special moments, kisses, hugs, lunches, dinners, walks, phone calls, texts, chatting, Skype, nothing..... it's all of who I was to all and who they were to me... *sigh*  Life is life and life goes on... and on and on....

  
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Attention...pt 1 prior fontana yrs

Better late than never... 

Sometimes in life there many misunderstanding and misinterpretations on people. We are only human and well human nature says that we'll make many mistakes and misjudgments... simple, simple

Now, Attention... 

This is mainly about whether I like or dislike attention... not for you to pay attention to what I am writing which either way it has something to do with attention... go figures... whatever... 
I am trying to distinguish the difference,  Which I will fail miserably! and which ones I like, I guess... but like everything in life it's circumstantial so ... what's the point? Well this was originally suppose to be written to a person (like an assignment... hahaha! I know but I know!) but now it's more as for my informational purposes... which in reality it's all over my blog anyways just not specifically dictated in that sense. So this time this is the focus and I will try not to go off on many tangents which I will probably will do anyways. 

Where to begin.... 
Childhood

At a very young age I started to develop. I was tall and had curves... so I was never a lil plain girl...I can't say I was pretty but I think I was somewhat... because little boys had crushes on me... there was one year where a lil boy (a year younger) tormented me and bullied me bc he liked me... yeah, gotta love the love I was getting! And then another boy names Eder...gave me a pair of scissors... so sweet ...oh may I add... he stole them just to give them to me... wow! That's true love! I didn't like him but I thought it was sweet so I took them and you know what I had them up to maybe a few years ago. Oh I didn't mention in these years.. I was a very shy loner... which honestly it never left. I guess I still am a loner... haha! 

Anyways, those were year prior to 5th grade  and I started to get out a lil from my comfort zone. I always felt like everybody and I mean everybody was always looking at me. So for me to play sports a little but a big pain to do. Which I don't understand because not playing made me more noticeable but I didn't care about that one... weird!... In 5th grade I don't know what happened exactly. But, the boys were a little more afraid to play with me... And I didn't understand. They were a little frightened that some might hurt me. I was a little tomboyish so rough play at that point was fun but I still kept within my comfort zone. We were in 5th grade and I loved to play dodgeball... my gave game... I was effin good at it too... So I remember this one instance (a light bulb moment, in a sense) where we were standing in line after recces and there was this boy names Nick he had the ball so I told him to throw it at me and he said no, that he couldn't. And I was confused so I asked him "why not?" And he had his blue jacket which he had  wrapped around his waist...and unwrapped it and like used it to show me in a whip like motion to my body... he was referring to my breasts. That was the point I fully became aware of me. At that point I felt people starting to look at me again... It felt like I was a target and all eyes were on me... and people were laughing at me... I became even more so self conscience. I started wearing sweaters... If you remember me from middle school and high school and part of college... sweaters and jackets... my shield of protection. 

In middle school we were Uniforms but I still wore big clothes and sweaters and big t-shirts. Anything to hide what I had. I didn't want people noticing me. And the hardest part was always walking home... And people looking at me... I was a lil and completely innocent girl with a woman's figure and a lil girl's face. People were always turning to see me and there was nothing I could do... I felt helpless and I hated my body for attracting attention... I would even wear a jacket over my sweater or tie a sweater on my waist and wear my jacket. Yeah, that's how bad it was...  I started to slowly gear into wearing black... When nothing I did and I looked horrible (thinking of the way I dressed my self for the not wanting attention) yeah a bit hypocritical in a sense. black became my comfort zone... I always had a circle of friends... but the thing about of the friends... is that even with them I created shields... I had some smart friends, and the average friends and then the dumb friends too... all in a sense... So to say that I always had somewhere to fall when something failed... and to be honest these were groups in middle school prior to fontana... and they were  people who didn't know each other. I always made sure that my different friends were in different clicks... For some reason when I had some friends I always liked them to be apart... i don't honestly know why but it eventually became interest conflicts with those decisions but I felt they would never get along so I just never found a way to have them... meet. I guess I just needed to be a different me in different times of the day. Besides in some I would just be in the background and in others I would talk and or not talk... I hated to be noticed but I didn't want to completely be a loner but I didn't want to have to say anything...

7th grade I was already suffering depression... and was quite unsure why I was so unhappy. But, that was the first time when I felt like wasn't worth it any more...  I felt more alone than ever... And I did have those friends and one specific friend always helped me out Dulce but I was caught in between worlds... My fantasy world and real life... the background kept me in a dreamlike state... 7th grade my grades suffered and I struggled... Even my passion in music even though I was doing great ... I had no one in there... So alone I didn't even go to Six flags on my last year because I didn't want to walk alone.... to this point all I could correlate attention to was that it lead to my loneliness... or isolating my self in fear...

I'll call this prior Fontana or 8th grade years... 

Sally's Song

Sally's Song

I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him? 
And will he see how much he means to me? 
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend? 
Where will his actions lead us then? 
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together? 
No, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one


The Nightmare Before Christmas

starting my goals :)

I've always been quite of a stand-offish kind of a person. I talk to people yes and I let them feel like they fit or allow them to sympathize with me... I have many one-"night" stand conversations with people and never see them again... It's how I've lived life. I've never been one to get too close or allow others to get too close to me either... yes sad but it's life and it's how I was raised. (I've always been a more literal person, sorry and i'll explain) When I was little my mother, probably having friend issues, told me "never have friends, you can't trust them" and I was so young I didn't understand what she really meant is "be cautious of who your real friends are." Well I came to this realization about a year ago... probably 20 yrs after it was introduced into my mind. I was always the goody-2-shoes getting in trouble for other's actions... So that's when it came clear to me that those small lil words that were said to me so young probably scarred me for life. Yes, I have friends and sure I talk to them... but really look at me... when have I seemed like a typical friend, I'm not. When I have needed people the most in my life I find my self alone. And in reality I am not but because I am surrounded but I am. Anyways, Because I am the way I am, I don't like setting goals that I know I cannot complete. I rather live a lucid, or fluid life than to feel like a failure in my eyes.

(A goal I set and felt like the worst person because I failed was in early motherhood. When I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breast-feed for at least 6-months of Danny's life. Well we all know that's healthier for them and it helps you loose weight too. Well he was born and started feeding and it was a little hard but I manage to be ok while in the hospital and then I went home. Baby tried feeding and would be there for a while and it hurt but I kept trying... after a few days... he would be hungry and I kept trying and he wouldn't be satisfied... and I would cry with  a hungry baby and he would start crying with my frustration and his hunger. I was only able to feed him for like 10 days... and on the 7th of the 10 I took him to the ER bc he was spitting blood... yea he was biting on me so hard that it was inevitable. I know it may not seem like a failure bc I couldn't or normal but to me I failed... almost 2 weeks to the weeks of 6 months which approx is 240 weeks)

And mind you recently I've been sitting some goals on my FB and I'm freaking dying that it wont happen but I'm taking the risk... Also because there was a goal I had in mind many years ago and I am now realizing how true it will have to be.

Last week: I set my first goal:

1. Making everybody independent of me! Had them in their training wheels long enough. The letting go process has begun..

     a.) The very first step is teaching my mother how to drive and fend for herself.

     b.) My father needs to learn how to be  responsible and pay for his responsibilities. And he needs a car!

     c.) Danny is fine... he will depend on me for a while

     d.) And I need to let them do it. I need to learn they need to make mistakes to learn and depend on them   depending on me all the time.

2. Look for suitable job that will allow me to grow as a person and independence.

     a.)  That independence will measure by the monetary income to be on my own.

     b.) Will have my own apartment until I get a house. No sharing an apt- a 2 bedroom, 2 bath.

     c.) School loans will start being paid off...

     d.) And I will get my self a car. A car I want, not you...

3. Will Learn to Juggle Work life, Mother life, Social Life...

     a.) Work obviously will be important or everything can fall apart

     b.) Danny needs to know i'll be there with him no matter what and he is always priority.

     c.) I will need to still manage to see friends and hang out...

     d.) Family time to still promote unity will need to be given time

     e.) and love life ... if everything else has settled then might have or not have time to think about....

I have been given opportunity to set goals before. I set simple goals that I knew from the get-go that looked either impossible bc i wasn't trying to obtain them or easily eccentric goals... that I knew looked impossible but very obtainable in my eyes. This is what has pissed people off at me... well not that bad but they do get upset because they see this potential and I always seem to let them down in a sense. But, it's not about letting them down it's more like they let me down so I stopped caring. When I loose interest I move on, simple.

My life has always been really hard but very simple. I make it seem simple many times and when people try to do the same they get stuck. Other times people realize the hardships and I brush them off like its nothing. Other times I do tend to whine... Like I mentioned before about the friends... it's tough so I let it out somehow.

So now I have some goals...  And I started by taking mother out to drive... I will make these happen. And you'll see that maybe after all I am a Capricorn... I've hidden behind many walls for years and it's time to show the world what I can really do and not playing pretending or hide in my own sugar coated life. 

Come Little Children

Come little children
I'll take thee away, into a land
of Enchantment

Come little children
the time's come to play
here in my garden
of Shadows

Follow sweet children
I'll show thee the way
through all the pain and
the Sorrows

Weep not poor children
for life is this way
murdering beauty and
Passions

Hush now dear children
it must be this way
to weary of life and
Deceptions

Rest now my children
for soon we'll away
into the calm and
the Quiet

Come little children
I'll take thee away, into a land
of Enchantment

Come little children
the time's come to play
here in my garden

of Shadows


by Edgar Allen Poe

And it's healing... What an image

  


So it's been one week since I went to Universal well just about... lol Anyways, So when I  left that night which was technically Monday morning at 3:30am I fell. Yeah, I know we all fall and there's no problem. I was just bleeding a lil and that pic up there was taken right when I fell. I mean it did hurt like hell when I fell but I thought it was going to go away. I was going to restart jogging again because I had been so busy I hadn't had time... but so far the pain from the knee has yet to allow me to. Weird but go figures.


So two days after I thought well this isn't going so bad... it's healing nicely... I mean it hurt a little but it wasn't so bad anymore. It was tolerable... but I tried to do more movement and it was a no go... I've been wanting to jog this week but it was been tough because it does hurt. And I am truly not one to be stopped for nothing but this thing actually hurts... It started leaking like friday night when I bent my knee... it was disgusting, thick yellow liquid... So gross!!! It hurts to bend my knee, it even hurts to wear clothes over it. I am also not one to bandage a wound so that fresh air helps it heal faster but it's been going through my clothes on my knee... and I hate the feeling of being wet even if it's on my knee it feels uncomfortable.

      

Yeah, this is how my knee looks today.... Pretty cool huh... lol ... Or gross... hahaha idk... Well what can I say it does kind of hurt and can't help that sometimes it makes me limp a lil but I try my best not to... Well hope you enjoyed some nice images.. haha!
Well, as much as today is Halloween, it doesn't feel like it so I haven't quite decided if I will take Danny out yet but this wouldn't stop me if he wants to go... but since he's been sick and I'm starting to get a cold too I've been a lil hesitant. We'll see.. 

Have you ever had a paranormal experience? Do you believe in ghosts?

Well actually we have. It's really strange but things have always happened around my parents and mainly my dad since we were little. Similar to Paranormal Activity (the first one) when she would wake up scared bc she felt something talking to her... well most of us have woken up with such fear. Mainly one of my brothers who is going to have a kid now. He is always having nightmares and feelings of being haunted. He hears things and even sees somethings... it's pretty scary. One night my son and my dad both woke up scratched up from the right side of the face and quite similar. It was weird because they were pretty deep and my son sleeps next to the wall and he didn't leave my room... I thought it was a strange coincident. My other brother saw a little girl in his room while he was wide awake and he couldn't move... she even walked to his bedside. That was in his room in the figwood house (street in Fontana). Most of the most and stranger and frequent occurrences happened in that house... Well in that  house my dad saw a talk,, blond lady, wearing a long pink dress... After that night until the day we left he never turned off the nights...

In the house we're now my dad has seen this white thing and it was outside... he describes it quite similar to the appearance of those soul sucking ghosts that appear in Harry Potter but my dad has seen them in real life. Many times and it just happened a few days ago and it was a pretty dark night and he said they were white as light... I was wearing a white shirt and I asked him if as clear as my shirt and he said no... that my shirt looked purple and it was white distinctly...

Do we believe... yes... we do!

There is no doubt about it... to many coincidence for them not to be true... but that's just me and my fam... idk!


  
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A New Day

This is a Note I wrote to all or most of my close friends especially dedicated to know who I have on my FB... Although I don't know if they all read it or found the importance it meant to me as I wrote it. I was hoping more response but it doesn't always happen how we want. When I wrote this it came from my heart! 

It felt so enlightening when I saw the sunrise this morning. And mind you I watch it every single day when I take my brothers to school but today it just felt different.  My usual mentality is/was always, close the blinds I just want to sleep in and I don't want the sun... and blah, blah, blah. But today, this sunrise felt of a new day, new beginnings and new life. It was just a warm feeling to be happy to see the light of another day and i appreciate all of you who have somehow put up with my unstable-ness though-out the years. Sometimes I wonder how you all were able to tolerate me through all my stupid phases in life and mostly my depressive, emo-ish, gloomy, stuck in a room of darkness or hidden behind my own wall unable to listen to advice, unable to snap out of my own world that regulated my life... my darkness and my hopelessness to be alive. After years I know you all notice changes here and there and sometimes even notice when I fall again, you all know how freakin' stubborn and how stupid I can be... and I am sorry! I try... but sometimes you just have to be patient with me it's a matter of time before I see your light of day. And trust me all the words of criticism and encouragement I take them to the heart and dissect them... slowly but they get through. My whole life I have learned to be patient(or have tried to be patient out of necessity)  but the fact is that I am as  impatient as a little kid in Christmas not wanting to wait for the right time, just wanting to jump right into everything and I know that is bad... it always leads me back to square one...

You people who have helped me cope through my laughs (or discreet laughs) and helped me get out of that fucking hard shell I've been fighting my whole life to crack thanks. You make the world, my life, my day a brighter one to feel like I have hope for tomorrow. And I know I come on a little strong sometimes (and when I say I little I know I minimize because I really come on very strongly, sorry), and I cry a lot and I mean a lot (but maybe not in front of you) but when I mean I come on too strong I know I do, but sometimes i feel it's worth the risk, and sometimes I may be a lil too opinionated and it seems like I don't listen. But, I do...  Someone in my past taught me that I can't change everything and sometimes I have to suck it up, stop whining and stop crying (so yea, I minimized a lot of that with other forms of coping, internal hate, just kidding, being productive with what I love) ... someone in the now has told me to learn "to just go with it" and I look in my past and I am so glad I am not there now but that I am here now... with all of you in life. i know we don't talk everyday because obviously we all have lives and busy ones for that matter but I do think of all of you every single day. You may not believe it but I really do. I may be a lil ditzy sometimes... and talk a lil too much when I am drunk or maybe be a lil overbearing cuz I like you, or seem out of reach, or not the type of person you see me as a bff but it's ok ... I know that we all have priorities that we set in our minds. I have a lot too but one of the most important ones for me even if I don't show it to be thankful for having you all in my life or a part of it.

I wish I could express it more or show it to you but my heart and God knows how I feel. Forgive me for the intolerable times, those whiny time, those times I just needed a hug, those times where tears just wouldn't stop... I am sorry you have been through some real roller-coasters but because you and because you have put up with me, I love you all from the bottom of my heart. My life is definitely a better place because of you. And sure you've made me cry tears of joy, happiness, doubt, confusion, anger, sadness and even excitement but that's the best part of you to me...

All I ask, is that you please don't give up on me. I try not to give up on my self but sometimes it feels futile. I shall keep going moving forward! Pray that this day is the light of a better beginning for all and that we don't lose hope and keep having a little faith in humanity!

And for many of you who may be asking yourself why we haven't talked in a while... This is really meant for you because even though some of us haven't spoken in a while you all here are my support my friends and even best friends... some might think sad but it's not because I think I am fortunate to have you in my life. <3

Homeless

Homeless

So yesterday we (as in my mother, my son and myself) went to LA/Hollywood for a doctor's neuro psych eval of my mom and as we were exiting the 101 on Santa Monica Blvd, there was so much traffic. We were waiting for the light to turn green and there was a poor homeless guy. He was holding his sign and alternating between both hands looking at the cars and waving hello.I felt touched by the sincerity in his face ... I always feel so bad for them, out in the cold with no shelter, no food, no money... I wish I could give them whatever they needed but we're almost in the same shoes except they haven't kicked us out. Anyways his sign said "just plain hungry" and I felt bad BC I didn't have money. We were lucky we brought bananas... So I got one of the three and opened my window. I told him, "I'm sorry! I only have a banana"... And he said "don't be sorry, I'll eat a banana" and I kept apologizing BC I wish I would be able to give him more and he said " don't be sorry, have a good day!" he had tears in his eyes... That poor guy standing on the freeway exit made my day. He was humble and I started to cry. All he wanted was food and everybody is always too busy to give them if they have. I'm just glad that he at least has something in his stomach so he doesn't completely starve even though I know its not enough. It just saddens me to see so many people suffering. :( I know we're not well off but they need it too... Just wished that the people who are better off than we are would do the same... It doesn't hurt us or it isn't even out of our way to help others. We all have necessities and needs... If we all acted on human kindness, life for everybody would be better all around. 

what i felt was real

I guess it hurts more knowing that all my doubts and 6th sense of things were right. I guess all those tears I was shedding prematurely weren't BC I was loosing him but more like I had already lost him. Life happens and sometimes we can't avoid who we love or move on to. Life gives you an opportunity to try it with somebody you feel would be a better person for you and why not. Its human nature. We are are all people. I mean its a bitch. Like a month or so ago I had to break a heart myself for somebody who wanted me to be the one and I didn't feel the same BC had met someone wonderful. And a few weeks later I'm crying for the same thing. Its life vicious cycle that keeps us on our toes. I've been told that our hearts will break many times before finding the perfect person... *sigh* I guess I had never met someone I thought was worth letting go for and compelled to give up many of my bad habits which i'll be honest I am a better person for. So I guess he brought out the best of me and now I have to figure how to do that on my own. Friends are friends but emotional support sure helped...

week pt 2 :)

Ok, So thursday I got home and was super upset that the car hadn't been fixed for my leaving of friday. It was the day before and I was panicking and carless... yeah I was throwing a fit and/or tantrum because I needed a car to be in Hollywood by 10am and at that point it was 8pm and the mechanic hadn't came and I didn't know what to do. Who in their right mind was going to allow me to take their car? I was stranded and had so many things I wanted to do over the weekend... they weren't set but I knew it was the only time I had to do stuff like that since I hadn't been around for a few years... much less by myself so I was taking advantage of everything I had. Anyways... I was crying and having a tantrum while the 4-runner had a flat so it seemed for a moment that we had no car and they had an appointment to the lawyers... It was the most frustrating and irritating moment of my life... I felt despair, I felt trapped, I was suffocating in my room... I was having an anxiety attack bc I couldn't do anything bc it wasn't my place... I text my sis and I was trying to tell her everything but it might have been rambling bc she calls and says she's not understanding what Ia m saying. It was so complicated... I didn't want to ask her for the favor but I knew I had to bc she was the only one that would be able to get me out of this whole mess.... Thank God she said yea... I told my parents and that they needed to get the car fixed so she could use it for the weekend. I don't remember what time I went to sleep but I think it was 1:30 and got up at 4:30 bc I still needed to pack everything and get everything ready for Danny. We left  at 6am... and I was dropped at my sister's. We checked the fluids and added oil ... After that I went to drop-off Danny and I was on my way.  I got to the place at 10:10am... and I waited and waited... The rest of the girls got there in the limo at 10:45.... I didn't know... oh well... but I just waited... and we were taken to get ready. 
Tony dropped off my tickets for Universal  yay! That meant my Sunday was set! 
Went upstairs and it was time.... a day full of surprises and busy-ness... lol.... Make-up, hair, dress, shoes... and a whole lot more... it's like if we were stars and going to be on TV  It was an amazing day... so much and every minute so busy... They actually gave me the small dress... and I didn't know until after the party but it fit... YAY!!!! lol... 

Anyways, The wedding was a total dream come true and so many special people there to celebrate it with Amber. She is truly blessed. It was amazing... and all the girls looked so beautiful and all the guys were all so handsome! Cheoooowww!!!!  So many pictures... lol... it was amazing and I can't wait to see them... We were all introduced as the bridal party and Chris and Amber had their first dance as Husband and Wife and the bridal party joined soon after to set the mood. I had so much fun... Dance the night away... I tried to though except I was tripping on the dress. The ceremony was very beautiful also. It was so cute and sweet....

Dancing, Dancing... oh and did I mention... that the one person who had been avoiding and stating they weren't going to try and get the bouquet got it... Yeah, that's me! I caught the bouquet... now everybody is trying to marry me off... lol... I told them way before and that's why I didn't go for the bouquet at the  last wedding... I had a feeling I would have caught it then too...  so I didn't go for it, I stayed in my seat. this time I was a bridesmaid and single so I couldn't just sit there, I had to participate... lol... and that's not the funniest thing... well it was... everybody was surprised I caught it, Miss Negativity... "No, I am not getting married, or I don't plan on it anytime soon" ... All I remember is seeing it coming my way and I close my eyes... so many girls and they all went for it bc it was torn ... lol but that's not the best part... when I knew I had it... I was laying straight on my back... yeah on the floor ...lol... But thankfully they got me up quick bc I didn't even feel I was down for so long... it was so surreal... all I was able to do was laugh at the irony that I caught it (1) and that I was on the floor when I realize I had it (2) ...lol  After that we all danced the night away... When the party ended... I took off my dress and shoes so quickly... people hardly noticed... it was so fast... I was tried and put on my body suit and tennis shoes... feet were aching... When I left I didn't know where I was going... I drove... and drove without a destination... And was hoping I would see a place on the freeway... no... 
And kept driving... I ended up in San Gabriel... I hadn't driven in that city before in the night... I sort of remembered but when we were young I only walked it... I looked on my phone for places... and found 2... one said they didn't take people at night and to come in the morning so I told the guy I needed a place to sleep not tomorrow and hung up... I was tired and sleepy... so I called the other place and well went there. Asked for check out time... 11am... woke up at 9:40... I slept very good... I took a shower and got ready... texted my friend in El Monte.... So I decided to go visit her first. We did a lot of talking and she there she was talking about me getting married... silly girl! I left her place at like 4 when she was leaving for a wedding and her sis left for Universal Horror Nights. I then tried getting in touch with my friend in San Gabriel... Hasn't seen her in like 2 1/2 years at least... no answer . I really hate it when people don't answer their phones or respond to texts ... its a pet peeves... it pisses me off more than anything in the world. Anyways... So I decide to show up at her place... and to my surprise she wasn't there... grrr... So I had a small chat with her mom... She told me where I would be able to  find her... and Ha! I surprised her and found her ... but her bf doesn't trust me or something... idk why... He kept saying something about some pictures or some video... he was really acting weird. I think he thought I was a lesbian or something and she and I had a fling... idk... but it was weird...lol... I just disregarded what he was saying... strange. But, it took him a while to recognize me... So I took her to buy milk and I went to go buy some cigs and we smoked together and had a much needed convo. It sure felt good to let go of everything. She is one of the only persons I can vent... whine... and say whatever and she'll let me say it in what ever way and never be offended... We needed  to talk ... it had been too long... So I call my aunt bc I didn't want to go into her bf's mother's place... lady is weird. And thankfully my aunt answered or I was going to stay at her mom's house... so I went to spend the night at my  aunt's house. She had a place for me to stay, a change of clothes....I slept good! So I woke up and showered... and was ready for mass... They all got ready bc they were going (surprisingly) to my house in Apple Valley... I was going to go to 9:30 mass in San Gabriel Mission but she made oat meal and I couldn't say no... so I went to the next mass... English mass at 11:30.... I was suppose to meet my friend Anna and possibly cousin Vicky at Rick's but Friend woke up sick and cousin was baby-sitting...oh well plans change. So, I call up Dulce bc I was going to go meet her at 4 and she was going to be at her mother's place. She was home so she treated me to home made menudo. Later she got her kids ready and took her kids to her bf's place... he wasn't happy she was leaving with me but oh well. I told her I wasn't going by myself. And made her go pretty much! 

I went to Rick's afterall and I buy some food bc I wanted to take it to my dad... ordered paid. And then I saw my uncle there... I went to say hello and sat and talked for a lil while with him. It was nice. He asked what if I had ordered. I told him yea... that I wanted to take something for my dad... he knew how much he loves the combo burritos...  And he's like well that's for your dad how about yourself... so he gave us food    Some of the best food. I have to say if you've never tried it... you'll love it... it's Called -Rick's and it's on Main St. in Alhambra, California. Try the Combo burrito... omg it's so much... maybe for 2 ....

So after we eat we go to Universal Studios and it starts raining as we're waiting to go in. Saw Noe and his gf in line too... It was so much fun... got on all the rides... did the Chucky tram which was cool, and saw the freddy maze... I had been like whatever... Nothing was scaring me... I walking on my high. Monsters would come to me... it was like what ev--- And it was the same with the Freddy maze... well firstly we were standing in front of this asian group... not being racist... but they were annoying... pushing me the whole time,being loud... so annoying... screaming in our ears... I was almost willing to get kicked out of the park just to make them shut-up. But I refrained my self.  We went in and it was like whatever ... I saw where they were coming from... and expected almost all of them... until one... there was a girl in the wall just leaning with  a plastic bag over her head... she literally looked like a dead manikin ... and I was sure it was... I told Dulce it would be a trip if she were real and moved... so I kept walking and she was standing next to me... I freaked out... you don't know how much... I almost had a heart attack at how much she freaked me out... then she disappeared and I turn back and she was on my left side. All I would see was dark hair and nothing else. At that point I was so scared... I closed my eyes... I couldn't open them... I was scared and I didn't know what to do... I felt like a helpless little girl. (The way her presence felt, was like one night where I work up at the last house we lived in Southridge... it was like 1-3am and I woke up with a sudden fear. It was like it something had talked to me to awaken me and it was pitch dark. I was facing my son towards the wall...  I couldn't even turn to see my door bc my back was to it...  Something was there... I was crying in fear and just started praying until my nerves calmed down and I fell asleep... Almost similar to the first Paranormal Activity, and you bet your ass there was Paranormal Activity in that house and everybody in my house witnessed it, that's how she felt) I had to move on and I had to get out of there... I couldn't take it... My heart was racing... everything in there scared me... it was like a bad nightmare.... 

But, the park was awesome 

Had so much fun... except for the fall at 3:30am... thankfully it didn't rip through my pants but my knee felt it pretty good. when I was in the car it started gushing a lil of blood... I pray it goes away soon, or heals soon... Anyways, I was just a lil upset that the people there just watched and didn't manage to help whatever... I guess the good thing was that they good stuff to block so that nobody else would fall it's was a very dangerous and slippery spot... 

So I dropped her off like at 4am... and I drove to Fontana... I think I got there at like 4:45 or something... I don't remember but I know it was a mission bc I was falling asleep really bad... I know I realize I had dozed off like at least 5 times... it was tough... I got to Fontana and parked in front of my sis's place... I put the seat back and fell asleep in the car. I woke up like at 7am... And went to go pick up Danny. Then went back to my sister's place at 8:30 and knocked on her door. Called my dad to pick us up and fell asleep. My sis wakes me up at 10 and says she needs to go to work... I was so out of it... I didn't know what was going on.. so I call my dad again  and he was almost there. Danny was watching Tv... Dad drove my white lil car... had to stuff it with all my stuff... it was so much stuff... and he had errands for my mom which I ended up doing... and paid my phone bill bc it had been disconnected... ugh! I hate when that happens.... We didn't get home until like 1pm... I got home ate something and knocked out from 2-6pm, such a great nap. 

I got tired of writing... I know I left out things here and there but I got tired of writing...
So for now... there you go! My fun filled week....