It felt so enlightening when I saw the sunrise this morning. And mind you I watch it every single day when I take my brothers to school but today it just felt different. My usual mentality is/was always, close the blinds I just want to sleep in and I don't want the sun... and blah, blah, blah. But today, this sunrise felt of a new day, new beginnings and new life. It was just a warm feeling to be happy to see the light of another day and i appreciate all of you who have somehow put up with my unstable-ness though-out the years. Sometimes I wonder how you all were able to tolerate me through all my stupid phases in life and mostly my depressive, emo-ish, gloomy, stuck in a room of darkness or hidden behind my own wall unable to listen to advice, unable to snap out of my own world that regulated my life... my darkness and my hopelessness to be alive. After years I know you all notice changes here and there and sometimes even notice when I fall again, you all know how freakin' stubborn and how stupid I can be... and I am sorry! I try... but sometimes you just have to be patient with me it's a matter of time before I see your light of day. And trust me all the words of criticism and encouragement I take them to the heart and dissect them... slowly but they get through. My whole life I have learned to be patient(or have tried to be patient out of necessity) but the fact is that I am as impatient as a little kid in Christmas not wanting to wait for the right time, just wanting to jump right into everything and I know that is bad... it always leads me back to square one...
You people who have helped me cope through my laughs (or discreet laughs) and helped me get out of that fucking hard shell I've been fighting my whole life to crack thanks. You make the world, my life, my day a brighter one to feel like I have hope for tomorrow. And I know I come on a little strong sometimes (and when I say I little I know I minimize because I really come on very strongly, sorry), and I cry a lot and I mean a lot (but maybe not in front of you) but when I mean I come on too strong I know I do, but sometimes i feel it's worth the risk, and sometimes I may be a lil too opinionated and it seems like I don't listen. But, I do... Someone in my past taught me that I can't change everything and sometimes I have to suck it up, stop whining and stop crying (so yea, I minimized a lot of that with other forms of coping, internal hate, just kidding, being productive with what I love) ... someone in the now has told me to learn "to just go with it" and I look in my past and I am so glad I am not there now but that I am here now... with all of you in life. i know we don't talk everyday because obviously we all have lives and busy ones for that matter but I do think of all of you every single day. You may not believe it but I really do. I may be a lil ditzy sometimes... and talk a lil too much when I am drunk or maybe be a lil overbearing cuz I like you, or seem out of reach, or not the type of person you see me as a bff but it's ok ... I know that we all have priorities that we set in our minds. I have a lot too but one of the most important ones for me even if I don't show it to be thankful for having you all in my life or a part of it.
I wish I could express it more or show it to you but my heart and God knows how I feel. Forgive me for the intolerable times, those whiny time, those times I just needed a hug, those times where tears just wouldn't stop... I am sorry you have been through some real roller-coasters but because you and because you have put up with me, I love you all from the bottom of my heart. My life is definitely a better place because of you. And sure you've made me cry tears of joy, happiness, doubt, confusion, anger, sadness and even excitement but that's the best part of you to me...
All I ask, is that you please don't give up on me. I try not to give up on my self but sometimes it feels futile. I shall keep going moving forward! Pray that this day is the light of a better beginning for all and that we don't lose hope and keep having a little faith in humanity!
And for many of you who may be asking yourself why we haven't talked in a while... This is really meant for you because even though some of us haven't spoken in a while you all here are my support my friends and even best friends... some might think sad but it's not because I think I am fortunate to have you in my life. <3
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