Lately

Lately, I just feel so depressed... I have really high ups when I am with Mr.C and then when I am not I have really really low lows... I am so unbalanced... the last week I have been crying every single day. I am not in the mood to write anymore... I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I went from having 7 students to 3 now... that's not enough to pay my phone or gas for that matter...

Right now I just feel so low.... I don't  care about anything... I just want to sleep ... I don't know what to do... I haven't felt so low in such a long time... And I don't understand. I mean well it started when I started talking to this guy. He makes so happy when we talk and hang out and then my insecurities come out and I feel like I am pushing him away some how... idk... I don't feel stable... I feel broken. I feel I am exposing myself to more of a heart break. I am hoping this is just my hormones... I hope!!! And the worst part that my month came 5 days early which doesn't make sense ... bc it's always 4 weeks after the end and for the first time it's early... It does worry me a bit but what can I do... I am falling apart and I am suppose to start birth control... and last time I tried birth control 3 years ago my hormones went hay wired and became deeply depressed... and a cutter... I am kind of afraid to try again. I kind of want to talk to Mr.C if I should but I am going to do it anyways. Because if I don't then I have to wait another month. But, then I start wondering if nothing happens between us and we go our separate ways then whats the point... you know... I am so confused... I am ... I don't even know why... I really like him a lot....  maybe I am just over reacting and everything is fine and I just over thinking. I don't know why everything is malfunctioning with me.

I know I need to be patient and forget about everything. I need to let time takes it's course... and maybe I'll know... I need to suck it up and maybe instead of being available when I go down to Fontana.... maybe it's time he starts being in contact with me again and I should stop trying and see if he is still interested. Then again I knew that he was going to be super busy in October. I know he is super busy with work in Hollywood and work here... Maybe I am just being needy. Maybe I just want a hug... maybe I just want to feel wanted... But I guess it's all in due time. I need to be patient. See the problem is not what I have to do because I know... I know what I do is stupid but it still happens. Opinions wont matter bc it's what I tell my self every single day anyways. Today after a day of prayer at my house I felt good and then I head of the passing of a really sweet girl from school. She passed away today at the age of 23... :( I am really saddened... And now I am going to go pray some more...
Very sad..

So back, I am suppose to go to Horror Nights...He was going to buy me my ticket last week... and I told him to wait a lil but I hope he buys this week... if he doesn't I feel it's minimizes my possibilities of going... I don't know what's wrong with me... grrr... *sigh*

Been falling apart for days.... And actually for like more than a months now... like 1 month and a half to be exact... I am sure he isn't ready to make a commitment yet or I don't know bc he has only been broken up for like 3-4 months... or I don't know... this is a tough call... but a lot of my insecurities come from that ex which we don't talk about... for the first time in life I actually feel jealous of other girls and I know I shouldn't me... I trust him, I do.... and he gave me his word which I trust.... ok enough stupid rambling...

I will refrain myself from texting him as much as I did... even though he use to do it so much and call me.... I need to what's it called... lower my dosage so in case something happens I wont take it hard and be ready. I don't know what to expect and I don't know what to say... so freaking *sigh* and I guess I will see what happens this week...

I mean we know how we both are... so I know I am not surprised... We're both freakin moody as fuck and we're both capricorns... the hardest part for me is he's so enigmatic and I can't read him and he can read me well... so he knows how I feel and what I am thinking and I can't tell with him. I just know I love his kisses... and I just melt ... but that's what worries me the most. The first guy we have had such an intimate relationship that now that I am so vulnerable or I allowed my self to be vulnerable I am afraid to break. Or to be broken... I am not strong.... I am not... or maybe I am but I don't want to be....