Everyday I see the new day the new age. As I go work to my Alma Matter every week I learn so much. Although I am always in a way put on this pedestal I know they don't always mean it. I know we were some of the smartest in Math and science and well it was obvious I excelled in music but it's the feeling of having the opportunity to give back. Sure sometimes I feel bad that I have to destroy kid's research papers but at the end they will learn that they need to re-read what they write in order to make them better writers. Sure, I am not one to speak but I am also receiving the opportunity to learn a lot from great teachers and an assisstant principal without having to be a classroom for a while. I am still deciding what I am going to go back to school for but for sure is that I want to get a Master's in School Administration and maybe if I ever go far enough maybe a Doctorate in Education... I know it would be extremely hard but we'll see where the wind takes us all. I know we want always assume we will live forever but it's nice not to think that we are going to die, if you know what I mean. For many years my only concern was always when life ends and the lack of consequences but once one starts to mature and realize that many more people have it worse. But, that thought is not to give a boost to my ego, it doesn't! It actually saddens me. I truly wish I could help those in need. There are so many people homeless without money and food. I know the little that I have given will never be enough and I'm not satisfied. I feel guilty I could never look at them in their eyes and it's not because I feel they need to get a job or they are going to purchase something they don't need it's because it's not fair I have my car and my parents allow me to live with them and those people have no where to go at the end of the night. I know I was only able to get a part time job even after having a degree but what do they have to vouch for. With the lack of jobs or either being under or over qualified the chances of landing something good at a reasonable pay is not likely. I, at least, feel happy that I was able to purchase a pair of shoes now and not have to were old worn out slippers. Yeah, I know if I asked my parents maybe they would have helped me buy a pair but is that responsible. They have hardships and too maybe if you ask me. Life is hard for everyone overall but nobody is giving up yet.

Life is great! So I dyed my hair on Saturday after I dyed it on friday. Friday was a little lighter but oh well. I went a my son's brother's birthday party and that was fun, Danny had a lot of fun and well so did my sister and I. It's great because it just seems like life is getting better. I have a little money in my pocket every week and everything is beginning to settle. I have realized that I don't need someone to love me in order for me to love myself and it so seems as though I use to rely on acceptance to feel happy. But 2 weeks ago I went to the multi-cultural festival and hung out with my son's aunt, nestor and luis. It was a lot of fun just to hang out and walk around. But, the most amazing thing was the indian dancers. They inspire me every year I see them. WOW! I have always been a pessimist in my life but lately  I have been seeing all the beauty in what life is, in how lonelyness, deception, heart-ache can leave to a beautiful life on comprehension and relief. Sometimes one must take out all the bad suffer for a while and realize that we were ok after all. The fact is that we are not going to die if one person isn't in our lives we will continue to move forward whether we want to or not. Life doesn't stop. Life is a commitment not many are willing to express and well I am committing my self now that I will continue to live a day by day happy life. NO more thinking of a future that I can't guess about. No more thinking about the past that screwed me up and over many times.  My life is now and helping those I can around me. I cannot control anything else but what is in my path (truth). I will either mold, destroy or discard what is not needed and everything else will just go in my pocket and be placed in a box with my other junk. Let it sit around to give it value and then refurnish!

I was writing and it erase... and I want to yell,"mother fucker!" itisn't even right anymore. Fuck you go away... but who do I say it to,there is noone there anymore. Why is it that I feel so lonely. Ok, wellso quite a while now, maybe over a month and a half I started feelingsupposedly happy with no worries just going along with life andwhat-not but lately I don't feel that way and I started thinking if inreality I was just feeling numb. What is the differnce between notcaring or thinking you're happy when in reality you weren't. Sadlythere isn't anybody to read me or judge me, or even tell, "Who the fuckare you trying to kid?" Is it me I am trying to lie to, I mean I am theonly one that really sees me on a regular basis... It's sad because Ifeel like there is noone I can just call to talk to or hang outanymore. I just don't fit in anymore. But why is it I feel this way. Then I think well you know you never really established the whole "callme to party" or to"hang out." I know I've never been to social but isit extreme to say I have social anxiety disorder... I know it probablyis. You know everybody always jumping into extreme thought...haha. Imean I have socialized with friends and family and more people but Idon't know... Another thing that has lately been bugging me I don'thave a favorite color... It's weird I know but it's one of those thingsthat I read about"what is your favorite color?" and before I use toeasily pick but now I can't... :( well be back...

Last night was the 3rd time in a month that I've been in a hospital. The first time was for my son but the last 2 times were for my auntie. She was in so much pain and the only thing they do for her is give her pain killers. But, luckily for her the first time she went they told her she had an ovarian cyst and although last night she was in a lot of pain they told her that it was gone. I am assuming it must have burst. My mom was in the room with her and she thought my aunt was a gonner.  She was delirious and it was very sad. My mom told me that she and her aunt began to cry at one point... Well all I hope is that she gets better She is the youngest of 6 in my mom's family...