If you couldn't use the internet for a year, what would you do instead?

oh geez, if there was no internet for a year, I think I would have to look for another job to keep me busy. I work a lot doing power points, revising and e-mailing. I think I would actually have to look for things on the dictionary and encyclopedia...  I wouldn't be home as much as I am now even though I am not home a lot either. But, I think it would get me off my feet at first and help me a lot.  

  
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I got a feeling

The reason why I picked this song that I have under this writing is because I after I read the beautiful comments left in my last post in one of my crazy rants. I felt positive. Mind you I still woke up depressed and thinking of the day before would make cry a lot. I was so sentimental and it's weird because I am not like this usually unless something is going to happen... "am small visitor" but that "visitor" already came and left. Anyways, after I read those comments I still had to run errands do things even though my eyes were poofy and bloated from the previous night. The first thing I heard was"I gotta feeling that tonight`s gonna be a good night
That tonight`s gonna be a good night
That tonight`s gonna be a good good night"

And you know what happened me to me? I felt even more tranquility. I felt peace knowing that "Tonight would be a good night"  It was almost as if though I was hearing a message from God through the Song... yes i know what the songs says but you have to realize that all I heard was that phrase. And, I felt peace.  You know... it was a good night.

I will write more tomorrow since I am exhausted and I can't keep my eyes open but tomorrow I hope I wish have great day... "I have a feeling..." 

I got a feeling~Black eye peas

I gotta feeling that tonight`s gonna be a good night
That tonight`s gonna be a good night
That tonight`s gonna be a good good night (x3)

Tonight`s the night night
Let`s live it up
I got my money
Let`s spend it up

Go out and smash it
Like oh my god
Jump off that sofa
Let`s get get off

I know that we`ll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just loose it all

I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And loosing all control

Fill up my cup
Mozoltov
Look at her dancing
Just take it off

Lets paint the town
We`ll shut it down
Let`s burn the roof
And then we`ll do it again

Lets do it (x3)
And live it up

I gotta feeling that tonight`s gonna be a good night
That tonight`s gonna be a good night
That tonight`s gonna be a good good night (x2)

Tonight`s the night
Let`s live it up
I got my money
Lets spend it up

Go out and smash it
Like oh my god
Jump off that sofa
Lets get get off

Fill up my cup (drink)
Mozolotov (lahyme)
Look at her dancing (move it move it)
Just take it off

Lets paint the town
We`ll shut it down
Lets burn the roof
And then we`ll do it again

Lets do it (x3)
Let`s live it up

Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock

Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top

Feel the shot
Body rock
Rock it don`t stop

Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock

uneasy ...depressed

I know my last post was a little positive yet pessimistic. I was actually feeling rather good and very very surprised at how much I wrote. Anyways, so we went to a  Mass and when we got their late because the address that we were given wasn't' accurate. Well I don't know how we got there but I guess I manage to get there. The part that I got to hear was very nice and kind of motivating. Why is something nice and positive always ruined by stupid people. I can't deal with any crap my mother gives me... I have my whole life and after some therapy I learned to deal with it and not let it get to me to much. That was very hard and painful but a step accomplished...  We were were all sitting in the living room of one of my cousin's aunt's house... and the priest was there. They were all chatting. My mom mentioned that one of my brothers Orland use to seem like he would have the vocation for a priest especially since he still serves the church. Well Apparently he wasn't happy about what my mom said but she didn't say anything bad in my opinion. I mean I also thought that because at the age of 3-4 he almost knew everything the pries would say. He always enjoyed mass... I don't know so much now. Well she also mentioned how my sister wanted to be a nun. My sister use to say that so much it was unclear whether she was serious or joking... obviously she wan't serious... she was just trying to cover the fact that she had ever had sex. Now she says that she was playing... I don't know if she ever  wanted to or not... no clue.  Anyways we all went to the car... oh I didn't mention I left Danny at home with my dad. Well they were mad that they were "put on blast" and upset that i wasn't put on blast and mentioned why didn't she pick on you... so I told them ... have a baby.  So that is where the picking started... my mom was discretely telling me that it was my fault why we were late and that she was going to tell me we have to vbee in places a half and house early so I would get lost...  I don't kno whow my sibblings started talking about dresscodes or something... well my sis had noticed that her hair was a little messed up and my mom's hair was a lil messed up so they were trying to comeup with a word that described and they came up with "Fachas" a slang for a word for underdressed... or disgrace to wear what you wear. My sister said oh I know where that word fits perfect... oh yeah that describes Reyna. I don't know but at that moment I stated to tear up... couldn't contain and they kept going at it. I started crying a lot but in silence... it felt so hurtful but I couldn't tell them see me. It would be too much.  I mean I already couldn't handle another humnuliation and  my tears were an open faucet did my best not to allow them to see. I wanted to be the one to stay in the car. But at the end I just needed to get out of there ... I ccouldn't take it... I walked int he store with blood shot red ... and tears rolling down my cheeks... I didn't care who saw, I didn't know anyone besides it was better than hearing 3 people make themselves feel good on my behalf.  There were time in the store I just ouldn't take it... I could remember those horrible moments life was meaningless and I felt even worse to have such horrible thoughts.  I hate from going  from having a nice day to all of a sudden water works and I can't control them. I don't know what to do... I always try and joy in and try and have fun with them but I am always excluded... they always think that what I do is stupid and I am an outcast.  I don't belong in my house... even my son turns against me... and I can't take this sadness out of my heart. If I go to sleep I feel like I am going to wake up to bad consequences until I wake up bright and early. If I don't do something I am the ingrate... but if I do do something it was because it was for me but no it's not like I tell people borrow my car, I take everybody everywhere they need to go... I go everywhere... I do everything they want because I have to . I hate to disapoint them but eh worst thing they always thorw in my face is Danny. That is not fair... I am sorry... I am really am but i love him but why foes every make me feel so miserable... I can't take this... it's too much... I was really happy and stupid things trigger me .... I dont' belong here but soon enough... Danny will be in School and the ingrate, the disgrace will leave so they can do all their things for themselves and I do my own...  You know one thing I wish.... I wish there was a way I would be able to get along with them without all three teaming up... I am no threat... I am joined to do things with my mother to stop all the arguing to avoid those fights... to hear less... now I am :doing things for myself" I don't know but I thought that was the reasoning behind it all... I go with my sis where ever she needs to go when she wants me to go...  when the bros need rides I am more likely to take them,,, Life has never been easy with me especially since I am prone to a  lot of emotion... hence the title people were given back in the day "emo"  It doesn't help I carry all of their burdens, their locked in feelings... they are all lso cold inside sometimes and I feels like a jar where they just come and empty all the negative and I carry it and carry it... it's not like I want to but sometimes I see their pain and i feel like it's sucked right into me... I carry all their sadness, their angers, their frustrations.... and sometimes can't help but need an out...  AHHHHHH!!!! my head is just screaming and throbbing... in pain, in anger, in a deep sadness, in confusion... no body and I really mean no body in my household understands me... Stupid misery we call life....

my tranquility

I guess the biggest mission we all have to accomplish is finding what we like to do best. I loved music... well I still do. Now I love teaching it more than anything. It brings me joy, peace of mind and the best feeling within when I see my students learn and want to know more on how to succeed. I don't think we're all bless with the best students all the time but they have potential to become them if we only give them a chance. Since my father introduced me to music at a young again of like 4 I almost knew I was destined through that future. My dad always told me  that theory was the best thing to learn so guess what?  Theory was one of the subjects I loved the most. I was a very obedient girl... so much that my high band director told me I had a lot of potential so he suggested a major in music... Guess what? I did it. Not a BM in Ed but a BA in Music. I had great teachers all around and maybe helped me through many of my stupid and wrong choices we all make while being young. Well I graduated...not what?  What to do, what to do? There was nothing... I went to many agencies... well let me go back a little. At first I was  a little hesitant to getting a job. My brain was exhausted and fried... I finished my last year and a half with almost no sleep and a baby being a full time student. took some time off after graduating...  I fell into a deep depression... it seems as though when I have time in my hands I always just lie back into the same ol' issue the comfort of depression. Not fun... It gets even worse when you feel you're worseless, you can't provide a thing, and evven worse when you feel living is more a burden than not existing physically.  You sometimes get to this point when you just want to be hurt to know whether you feel something or you're just dead in a living body... I found my self to be dead a few times... thank God I somehow was revived... but if I wouldn't have I don't think I would be typing anything of this... I think after I graduated my parents tried a little. Well in october 2007 they pretty much kicked me out of the house (not really but in a sense) Well there was going to be this trip to Arizona and they really wanted me to go because I was just being sneeky and they never knew where Iwas at. Iwas not being a bad girl but they lost coontrol of me in a way. They made me because afterall I still listened to them and was respectful enough to listen even if it was something I was completely against. Just to prove to them that I wasn't happy about their desicion I left my son's father borrow my car while I was gone... that meant... they would have to figure tsomething out because they didn't have the support from my vehicle.  The weird thing that although I went against my will and I was miserable at first I had fun and I enjoyed myself. That was when I realized that they weren't so wrong after all.  Hmmm... Parents not wrong? That's a first.... You could almost say that was a first mild step into something new and unexpected... Can I tell you something now? I feel this enpowerment, this strength. I sometimes feel like I can take over anything I want and succeed. I feel like I have found this gold mine I have to work at for a while to pay off... I feel free. I feel as though nothing in the world can stop me...  It feels nice to feel this great after a whole life of misery, of own mistery, of insecurity. Well tell me tell you people notice, people see...  Your eyes, your body movement...  everything I had lost to a gray area is returning...  All I do know is talk to people... give them the small power I feel when I talk... if they're enllgihtened... they can do the same... I just wish I don't trip over my self because I don't fall easy.
One reason I don't get involve with people on an emotional stance, there is too much too loose and no reason to loose it for. After the years I have become this independent girl who surprsingly has a lot of thought... oh no! She even has a brain...  my brain tellss me to concentrate on what is right and do everything I need to do because when my brain starts to allow the heart to start picking apart situations... I am going to run in trouble. Brain says, be smart do your job and if anything happens you will still be okay and not have to depend on anyone... Being in love, being romantic exists but mostly on books... and movies... We all want the love they feel int he movies in the books we read but it happens exactly like how it is said  we don't want it that way anymore... love is too cliche... I think love can be part of a choice... as long as we limit our heart to have a say. It's never right to be so vulnerable  in life... we only criple ourselves which such weekness... I know, I know love is not a weekness, it's an emotion... well suit yourself but when your wife or husband doesn't allow you to to the one thing you love to do... you picked the wrong person. Soul mates.... are rare!

Anyways, I guess these are just small  insight we learn by experineces  and wanting a better future. Don't get me wrong I will probably fall into that love cliche some day again... but the great thing about this time is that I don't need their words to be happy. I know who i am now. And I know what to expect and I have a few surprises in my pocket... 

Business is good. Life is good. Son is healthy! I am at peace.... everything is going to be okay!

If you were a ghost, who and where would you haunt?

Ironically enough I have thought about his question before...
I don't really think I would be a stable ghost. I think I would be more of a traveling ghost. It's not as much as haunting but more like just a wandering type of person and well if I have to have a little fun. I don't think I would really care much about strangers but I think I would be seeking out friends... I know odd but it makes sense to me... they are the only ones who have been there or have not... Who deserves my precious after life more than they do...

  
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Which sin do you believe is the deadliest?

I really do believe even though I wish it was not true... but the deadliest sin is Lust. I mean they do say that when something feels so good it is not good for you...weird I know but I guess that's why it's lust right. You just want and want and keep wanting more...  Besides it's one of those boundaries where there is no in between. What you're doing is something bad or if wouldn't be done... well unless you're married and even then sometimes it's "supposedly" not right.... so

LUST!

  
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Written speech to FLP

Well I initiated in the company on July 2007 but since I was newly graduated from the University of Redlands I was not as serious. When I realize that the economy was not allowing people with little to no experience in the market I decided to take the advice of my mother and started going to the meetings. That was the best move I did. I met Mr. George Salinas who was barely initiating as a new RSD in Riverside/ San Bernardino County and as I slowly realized his experience was going to be a great asset for a new change of mind with a Home-base Business Opportunity. I am grateful for the support and help I have received from Mr. Salinas, and my mother. I also want to thank Mrs. Elvira Ruiz, her words of encouragement have helped want to strive for the best. And lastly, thank God for putting all these great people in my path. My next goal is to become Senior Manager within the next year so I can better my life and that of my son’s. There is no secret to FLP, all we do is blend the combinations of motivation, strong will, and support from loved ones. And it helps to know the Marketing Plan very well. I am going to keep recommending the Clean-9, Personal Care, and Sonya Colour Collection, my favorite products and the ones who have helped my downline.   

(this is what I send to the company... they were asking for a small written speech)

A nice weekend

So this weekend was very interesting but it was great!  We  will start with Friday evening. Well I was in Redlands because wew had an emergency affiliation meeting. It was a beautiful meeting... When we were Affiliated a little while back, it almost made me tear up. It felt just like it did the day we were initiated into this cherished sistergood and it really is because even though there were rough time during college I think that when I joined the Alumni Association I still feel this stonger bond and even more excitemement. well while I was there I kept getting a call and it was  (626) area code number and I found it odd... they were very insistant but since I was at the meeting I kept ignoring but I was curious at why the person kept trying to call well they finally left a message the last time. It was a lady saying she wanted to get in contact with me and wanted to by a Gel juice. So I called her and talked to her on why the product should be bought or sold in the Swap meet... We set up an apppintment to talk... she said 9:30 would be great so it was set on my calender. Saturday morning I had to wake up extremely early because I had to take my mom to the gas station right across from Edwards next to the mall, that is the place where the bus stops for her when they are heading out to Laugling with her leader. I took her there at 6am and came home got ready packed the car and headed out.  I went to go visit her and we started mostly as socializing because that is how it's suppose to work.... establishh a friendship and trust. I spoke to her a little of everything and she became very interested... she was happily motivated. .. although for a small while she refused the application but I slowly explained the benefits...We ended our meeting on a happy note and a happy customer... 

After that I went to get some money from my step mom. Then I went to go see my son and had the opportunity to hang out with my son. Lately I have been so busy I feel like I am spending less time with him. Well my mom called me back at like 11pm so I went to go pick her up and came back home.

Sunday we went to my Aunt Petra's house and she had a small party for all her kids... they are had a birthday with a week span. I don't know why I was anxious but I really needed to get out. So we did. I went for a drive. My sister wanted to go to the store to get change or something...  so I wanted to explore a little... I started driving South on Del Mar Ave. and well I was a little confused and lost so I went straight until O found a semi big street  and turned right. I put my nativator to take me to some store... so thhat street ended up leading to 60 freeway and my brother recognized that La Senora Elvira lived around there... so after he mentioned that I knew exactly where I was. The former FLP meeting were on the right right of where we were going to get the free going East... well as I was on the freeway it said to gett off on Rosemead... and I saw Whittier Narrow... beautiful we use to go to ... then kept going passed the swap meet we grew up in and then we turned left on Garvey but I think we were suppose to head right... oh well I got tired so I told my sister you know what we just went in a huge circle. As we were driving by we had decided to head back to the party then we saw a Rick's so we thought of our Uncle in Alhambra... We decided too head to his restaurant... That was a one of the chains of which he owns but he doesn't own the one we saw. So we headed down San Gabriel Blvd and then turned intoo Angelino...  (all childhood memories)drove by our little old house and through our old memory lane... (Main St) we lived in 410 1/2 Main st... and even saw the dredful traintracks that to this days still gives me nightmares... then we drove through the park and just reminicenced on all the old memories...we we close to the Sann Gabriel Mission but didn't stop there... any bog event we still go there and it's forever engraved in our hearts...  so we just went around it and went to the restaurant... We hurried and paid because we didn't want our uncle to give us free food... we or well I don't like to feel  like a moocher... I don't know... I feel guilty about it. I don't know why... but it was nice talking to him for a while. I think we were out for quite some time maybe a few hours and decided to head back....

Well  didn't get back home to Fontana untill like close to midnight... so you can imagine such a tiring weekened...

The Day of June 15, 2009

Yesterday started like every monday... with one exception There was a lot of birthdays. Well oddly enough this year has ended up being in a meeting day. Well like every monday We went to the meeting but my mom had given my brothers the option of taking just them to a buffet or making what of of my brothers had been asking, Sopes... so as I was there in the meeting I received a text from one of my brothers  saying , " no buffet... sopes... orland said..." so I mentioned it to my mom... Well she knew  it was going to be a lotof work... So after the meeting I also said Happy birthday to my mom's aunt because it happened to hers too.  invited her to come over but said Cristal was going to make something with her. I still told her to come over so that they didn't have to cook. I guess they didn't come home because they didn't end up showing up. So since her phone had broke the day before by her grand kid I let her borrow my phone after the meeting for her to make a few calls. Well also, when we got to the meeting she told me turn off this phone... Cristal had let her borrow her phone... and well that was the end because whe she turned it back on it was now locked and we didn't have a code to get in contact with Cristal: no phone, no work number.  Anyways she had said she was going to talk to Cristal about coming over... she said call her in the afternoon. My mom and I left Norco and decided to head to Sam's Club. We were only there shortly, well and to my surprised they started selling Djarum... I use to look for them such a long time ago... And I guess I  was  just a little excited.  Well we finally got back home at like 3... I know very late to start doing something that needs so much prep to actually be able to finish. We got home and started cutting the meat... I think for me that is the worst part because it's the most exhausting... but anyways we did that first and I allowed mmy mom to work on the hot sauce... I started to so that masa... the corn dough to start making the little gorditas... cook them and started making my bros make the little hat. Well I think they were finally done at like 8pm... we all ate a little and well we were full but like an hour late we cut the cakee and well honestly we tried a small little piece but we were so full we didn't want anything.  It was a nice day and they got to baby sit Danny  well actually they have been baby sitting every day almost... Since  they are home and they wake up so late they almost just about can't say no...  Well my little fraternal twins are now 17 and counting....

I know I am not the smartest person but I do know I am pretty smart and probably a little more than some but not too much.  I know I could very well understand and interpret a smart conversation and lately I have had many opportunities to talk to professionals and hold my point of view to their analysis and after hearing mine many still agree. I know I can hold conversations and even hold their attention even though they are many years my senior. I admire these intelligent witty people just like a little child holds such admiration and respect for a teacher.

It strange to think of this but I remember an old dear friend of mine always proclaimed me as a "school girl" actually that was my nickname in middle school. I never understood why I was called that. I always assumed it was job to pay attention and do my assignments. Well I know my friend wasn't of the brightest peorson I knew but she was a lot of my support through some hard emotional times.

We always seem to give or condone a title to a person. Everybody subconsciously is labeled. Sometimes new  labels are gotten rid off so new labels appear... I know idiotic but what can we do. Titles aren't bad as long as they are used for good even though I go. 

Even though most people don't consider some title we're all separated firstly into the main ones.... women and men... but not there's an inbetween? Yeah there is when before people wouldn't saying anything... then we have the mom, and  dad titles but those are nice heart warming titles when you first  hear them right... I guess I am all over the place... but since I have talking and meeting all these new people I started to realize how people react or act with people...I guess you can say that a person wears many hats nowadays... and well that is what really defines a person for who he or she is...

What is one animal you have always wanted as a pet and why?

Well there has always been an animal that I like and although the Ringling Bros and Barnum and Baily circus brothers proved that they can have a pet animal of the same they also proved that it wasn't a good idea either... I have always been a fanatic of the Siberian White Tiger... not because they had it but because I remember watching Disney's Aladin... I am sure most of us remember princess Jasmine... Well she had a little tiger since she was little and that tiger was the one who protected her and also was her friends. Even though the tiger didn't talk he listened to her and even loved her back. I don't know but have a dangerous pet like that loves ou and is living to protect you was very appealing to me....

  
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What do you like to do on rainy days?

On rainy I like to stay indoors with my son and relax... watch movies and cook. I love to cook and I know that when it's a sunny day everybody usually leaves so I take the time cook while they're home.  That way we can share a meal which doesn't happen too often.

  
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Does anyone remember...?

Does any one remember "Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction?" I was watching "arachnaphobia" and well honestly bored out of my mind. So my sister comes and tells me to put the TV on channel 153 Chiller.... And there the show was looking at my again. I honestly hadn't seen this show since like 1998 with it use to come out on fox. Well there was this episode that had a small story about a kid that was afraid of the closet and kids always made fun of him in school, which by the  way the brother would also make fun of him(Danny). One day after school, like usually the little kid danny runs to his house and locks the door and doesn't let his borther or his kids back in.  We got fed up so danny goes and gets a bat and tries to keep everybody out so that they leave him alone. Well he was small than the other kids so they all gang up and carry and toss him on his bed. They start teasing again about the closet and they were going to throw him in there. His brother brian and a friends opened the closet and of course Danny was afraid so he told the kids, if you're not scared then you go in the closet. So Danny's slightly older brother  goes into the closet and as soon as the door is closed he starts screaming, kicking and banging the door. All the kids are laughing as poor danny just watches the door is desperation. The mother comes and stands next to Danny's sister in the door and walks in. She sees allt the kids and ask what is going on... the kids stop laughing and since they were all looking at the door she opens the door. She  sees clothes there and to her it doesn't make sense why it was deorganized... everybody else was shocked and didn't know what occured. The boy dissapeared in the closet. And little danny screams,"See, I told you there was a monster!" And then the kids started asking where he went... the mom was in shock and the cops came and said that it was impposible for the kid to just disaapear, the only way out was through the door and it was obvious that he didn't walk out.

Inspired by a true story...

You may be asking, how is it that she remembers so much. Well to my very fortune... the one that came out today from 6-7pm happened to have that small clip of it. It's almost ironic that I started writing about it and it came out. Well when we moved to Fontana on June 22, 1998 we had just seen that beyond fiction. My sister was 11 and I was 13 but a very innocent 13... We only had a truck at the time so we had stuffed the van with things and my sister and I came with him so we would start unpacking... so he would be able to go back and get my mom and little brothers.
Well the only rooms which had light were the Master bedroom, Kitchen and living troom... So my sister and I stayed in the master bedroom because we couldn't go into a dark room  and specially since they had closets. We had never lived in a house with a closet or with rooms which didn't have lights in... the fist thing we did was to close the door of the rooms so we couldn't see any darkness and turned on all the lights. 

It was one of the scariest days of our life and due to that little 10 min episode..... Now 11 years later as i watch it, it seems funny.

Describe your ideal/favorite book or movie in 13 words.

An emotional driven,edge cutting,suspense, passionate yet exhilarating with a little fighting.

  
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If it were scientifically possible, would you want to live an extended life (100-200 years)?

do you mean totaling years 100-200 or taking the year I am going to die and expanding it another 100-200 years. The second one no, it would be too much for me. I don't think I would be able to handle the world in that sense. As in to live at 100-200... I think I wouldn't mind too much. It would depend though...if I can look 50 for 50 years and as my time was getting nearer I would see the change then yes. I think since it's a "scientific" question and if possible...I would hate it if they got rid of most of me and creative a robot with my brain so my thoughts still went through but it wasn't me... I guess if life became some sort of Artificial Intelligence, or more in the aspects of Science fiction I think I rather die in peace at my rightful time and just appreciate everything that happened through  my life time and enjoy my only held memories which still remained in my mind. I  guess my determining factor is the world, right now, the science. Will it be a good cause or to cause to heart-ache and hardship....

  
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What do you suppose your soul looks like?

The soul is another entity which is what identifies us as ourselves. To describe such entity is remotely impossible but we do have an understand that there is one being who knows what a soul looks like by which I mean, Higher-Presence, God, what ever you wish you call. I also believe the way our soul looks like has a lot to do with our character, and personality. The way I imagine a person with a soul is more like a personal aura as well and I feel that those who are most capable of seeing a person who who he/she really is ironically a person who cannot see, the blind. Since they cannot see a person they can only go by the way a person carries themselves. Now, the question what do I suppose my soul look like... Well I know it's not pure in it's wholeness but it's an in between. If I had to pick a color to describe what it looks like I think I would pick orange... why orange... Because in my mind there is a small color spectrum that makes me feel as though light or bright yellow is a clean soul, innocence, purity and red is gearing towards passion and doign thing we should not... but that does not include other colors right now because many colors can be use. But I feel as though I am an inbetween courses in my life until I can settle or sort everything out. That is what I feel my soul looks like... confused and a mix of yellow-y and redish spots.

  
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Rascism

So today I know I was just resting in my room because we had been gone all day until like 3pm. And so I know that my mom went to go pray and was going to come back because she had an appointment for a massage. So I remember hearing the door bell and I knew someone opened the door but I had no idea who. I was to exhausted to go to the living room. Well anyways the people who came for my mom had mom ...

Right now on  the way home my mom was telling me about the people who came. Well Apparently Danny was the one who opened the door. When my mom went to the door she just saw the people standing on the door. And she asked him, well they just opened the door and left? And they said no, they said that  the baby opened the door. And then thhey said that when Danny opened the door they were confused because a little "mayetito" (which is a bad slag for little black kids) opened the door.  Then they proceeded to ask my mom if he was black and my mom said no. Then they asked if the father was black and she said that he was actually Mexican/hispanic. 

Well I know my son always gets confused... people call him "Mulato" which means a mixture of a mexican and black descent... People ask if he is PuertoRican and I say no... they ask me everything and well he is nothing. Well I mean I mean he could be of that descent from way back because there were a lot of slave taken to Mexico and with a lot of mixtures it dies down but the other background as far as I am concerned is from Nicaragua but no they actually have light skined tone becauase that part is from German descent hence the Schmidt last name.

Anyways, back to the other story. When my mom was telling me about what the people said... I felt sad. 2 tears rolled down my cheeks... I couldn't believe that people would ever call my son that racial slur. And in another way it sort of put things into prospective because as much as the world is less and less pure there are more negative people out there. And now it's going to be my son dealing with racism in one form or another. I guess that is just life. But, you can say it's one of the first and maybe not the last time it will happen. But, we will make this work and keep on moving forward. 

I still feel a little sad but there is nothing I can do about it... 

My sis' bf

I am so happy for my sister and her boyfriend. Well no they're not engaged....hahaha! My sister's boyfriend has been drafted to the Florida Marlins. Still don't know any delails but Iam quite proud of him he is a great guy and he deserves all the possible glory in his life. My sis is a lucky girl and he is a luccky for having each other. I wish them both the best since I realize this is going to be tough on both of them... It's a challenge they're going to have to meet and deal with but I am sure it will be worth it for both.

If you had a time machine, what day would you like to revisit?

I been thinking for quite some time... it's so hard picking the dates or specific moment in time. So I remember some of these days like they were today or as if they were happening at this moment but if knowingly I still went back in time I think I would not go back to that band review on November 3rd where everybody expected something or even  any of the other event that occur in that. I could very specifically say that I wish that I could go experience the birth of my child which the prior night was very upsetting... so much pressure and why I was "supposedly" so calm.  So many things went wrong and although the pains were control I lost myself... so no I would wan't to feel that physical, emotional, and mental pain again... well not with my first born. I don't even want to feel the awkwardness that occured during my mom's birthday on March 12, 2005... 4 people sitting in the couch 2 of which were my parents in complete silence and awkwardness...  Nor to I want to return my sis's 15th birthday were so many sspecial people came... or even my 2 graduations where my true accomplishements and guides to a better life started... 
Do you know what day I will pick? Well that is the question to answer right...  Well let's just say it was the day I started to change as person, one who had finally had the opoortunity to experience what many have or still wanted to have. That is the day the girl with those undeniably sad eyes, who had thought of suicide, started to chnage her prospective on life.  The girl with sad eyes had another aura expelling my her being. She was still so curious and more innocent than any other but she was no closer  to getting any experience either but it will be one that she will always remember.... Not even the bad, naughty  things she has done is her whole life will ever meet to something so simple and sweet.

The day was november 6, 2001...

Still why that day?
Embarressing ... don't' know why but it was the first day I got to see this boy who had been sutering me and I had finally said yes the day before. It was a day, I went to the locker room to put things in my Tenor Sax locker and right before I turn around there  someone who gave me a kiss in the back of my head... weird, but stomach butterflies moving.... I turn and there he was with a huge grin  and gives me a hug. It was a day where committment was not an issue... where innocence prevailed and there were no expectations...  All there was was holding hands and not even kissing... because the first kiss wasn't taken then it was the moment of happiness where just seeing the person or having them touch your hand or even just want to hold it was enough....  there was no yelling, no deception and the only common ground was music.  It was 2 days before a kiss happened... why not the day a person receives a kiss? You know why? Although still memorable... a first kiss leads to a second kiss... after they expect more kisses... innocent, right? Well, not really it leads to expectation.

November 6, 2001...

  
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If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you? Would you want a boy or girl?

If I could choose the sex of my unborn child... I would try and have twins so I can have both... but I couldn't have twins then... I think I would have the little girl my sister wants... She can dress her up and do what ever she wants... little girls have so much cute clothes... and it's pink... :D

  
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What was the weirdest dream or nightmare you've ever had?

Well I have been trying to figure a dream out for a while and right now I can't do anything because my dream journal is lost some where...  And to be honest I haven't really written too much in it for years but I know I write them here every so often or in my secret journal where I keep other personal stuff. Anyways,  Last night I was actually going to sleep or more like falling asleep while sitting up ... Well I know this is going to seem as though it's minimized... but as I was asleep I was driving down a lumpy road, down a dark hill.... it wanted to start raining so I was driving a bit more care. In that, this thin lady with long waivy dirty blond hair appear in front of my view... All I remember is screaming and hearing her scream... My car hits her and I wake up startled... Almost surprised that I didn't scream in real life...
  
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We need to see who we really are

I use to care so much about what people thought. It was weird because people didn't even know me but I had to know they thought I was nice... or I was so obsessed about it but I pretended not to care. I guess that is why I was so shy so quiet because that way I had a guaranteed  expression and I didn't show anything else. Nobody really knew how I spoke or if I was dull or exciting... I did had an high pitched voice... well not like that but more like a soft dulce voice... well not from what I say because that is what people would tell me over the phone or even while people use to take orders through the drive-thru... it has taking me a while to develop some type of personality... Although I am still calm and quiet and can't be rowdy... I think I have finally started figuring me out more... something that might play to my advantage and has taken a while to develop...  But i have also come to a realization. I shouldn'ty care too much or at all of what people think primarily because I should be more concerned about my own shadow. Nobody is worse than our own being. Sometimes it's not people in our surrounding who hurt us more than we do... we can all have enermies, we can all hate, but what happens the moment that we hate our own selfs... what does that lead to? I'll be honest I also use to despise my self, my image, the way [eople looked at me... everything but once we start seeing who we are, how we aren't too bad and that everything has an upside... we all start thinking positive and change our point of view from that deadly image to a positive beautiful aspects... we all have a few characteristics that we like about ourselves     No more hate, for others, for ourselves....

What is the worst job you've ever had?

Well it was one of the worst jobs not because of the work although it was much to deal with. It was one of those jobs where I thought work was going to be a piece of cake and since there were a lot of people in the crew it wouldn't be as bad. Well, I had worked fast food before so I didn't care. The main reason why I was getting this job was to take back control and something that belonged to me.  Let me start by saying that for like the last couple of months my boyfriends at the time had already left me for 2 potential girls.... One who didn't even consider him (she was called a whore at school, very beautiful girl though), and the second one was at that job... apparently he wanted to be her first which I think he was...  I think they had sex for the first time in her car. You would ask how I know this... well I was very heart broken because he still said he loved me but didn't wan to hurt this girl... and I was like WTF! So we then again became friends... we only spoke because I didn't want to see him but as we spoke I guess it just became so easy for him to spill the beans and tell me everything... As he was talking there were times... I was just killing from inside as my heart was about to burst but then he would ask if I was okay... and as I was caught by surprised by his question I would take a deep breath and say yes and he would continue speaking... I knew everything... everything... and it hurt so much and I disliked this girl even more... I thought that by listening to all of this... I would hate him so much I would finally just go away... there was so many times I told him I hated him and I never wanted to speak to him again but he somehow knew how to control my anger and we would be okay. He had this power over me... I and never understood what it was... almost a spell....Well to say the least we got back together and to top off his objections for me getting this job, I still did. He told me that he didn't think I could get it and blah, blah, blah... but it was the easiest thing. Oh, I didn't mention one day I asked my friends to go somewhere and I told them let's stop at his McDonald's, at the time he was still talking to the girl or supposedly not... well I went in... He got me free ice-cream... and I just sat there, sure enough... she shows up in this long skirt thinking she is cute... She knew nothing of me, and I didn't know what she looked like but when I saw her walk in, I knew. I also saw his face of "oh fuck, they're both here!" I didn't say a thing just sat for a while and decided to leave... I knew everything I needed to know. So anyways, I got the job and I started working... he would push me so hard... I knew everything quick. It was so much work, there were times I was pulling 12 hours shifts... oh I didn't mention that he was a manager at that time, sure we knew that if for some reason people found out he would be moved but we didn't worry because when he was there he was into his job and I was into mine. I learned how to do everything fast... not to mention that I already knew how to do the cashier but I refused to do it. I was mainly on the grill and he kitchen... That job was as tiring and exhausting as no other... Well I would go to school at the U of R all week and work on campus and on the weekend.  Well I remember very well everything was very good or so I thought... He asked me to come over on a Friday and spend the weekend at his house. He told me that his parents wanted me to... I told him I didn't believe him so then he would put his mom on the phone and she said yeah and that they would take me to work...*shrug* so I went over that specific weekend... I was there and we would work and hang out... I left early Monday morning... I was so inspired and full of love. (I am getting too the worst part of work don't worry) I talked to him ... and Wednesday he told me he had met this girl... I was then again heart broken. When he said that I forgot what I asked him but what I do remember, is "I can't do this anymore, it's over" ... I knew when he said he had met a girl that he was going to put me aside once again... Sure enough they became bf/gf in 2 days... I went to work that following weekend hoping not to see him but I knew I was going to have to see him anyways... as soon as I got there people had gossip... They started telling me that he was cheating on me with this new cashier girl... and they told me so much crap... they also mentioned that she was there at the time... I saw her... I was so angry. I later found out that they had gone out on a date a few days ago before I spent the weekend there so he was testing his feelings...  To say the least one night I got home from a very tired night of working and well there was a set of a couple of friend groups drinking... so I drank my heart out... passed out... woke up late and still having to go to work at 11 and get out at 7pm... oh man, I threw up twice in my van going at 80 m/h on I-10 from Redlands to Ontario, almost crashed once... so bad... so I didn't know what to do the second time I puked I got some in my pants and in my work shirt and there was no way I could go back because I had barely made in time... I got there in 20 minutes... I couldn't believe it...  I just sprayed some American girl perfume or something like that... I don't know but it was disgusting... I went to the restroom and tried to clean off as much as possible... I got there and they put me on the table to start making food... it was so disgusting... I couldn't take it... the lil onions were disgusting they smelled just like the nasty drinks I had had the prior night... What am I talking about everything smelled like that... I couldn't take it... then one of my co-workers he was like oh you smell good... and leans my way and takes a whiff, I was so disgusted because I thought he was going to smell the puke but I guess he didn't ... that day was one of the work days... people told me to drink water... looked like vodka... everything smelled and tasted like it... you can imagine how my pores were exhaling my high intensified alcohol level. To say the least I wanted to go home early. It was like 5 and to my luck my ex had just showed up... so I tried leaving before anything ... first I didn't want to cry in front of him and secondly I didn't want to work under him...  Well they were going to let me go, people were willing to cover for me... but no he said no that U needed to stay and since he was the last manager that night they listened to him... bullshit... I worked and puked at work and cried in the bathroom... and he wouldn't le me go... He even burned me with the fry cage because he thought it wasn't hot... yeah I had those burn scars for a few years... luckily they left by now... but he didn't let me go until midnight...  while he spend his evening with his gf and tortured my sensitive weak heart... that was how work was ... so much DRAMA! But wasn’t he victim but I had my share of things I would say to him... and I wasn't going to let him put me down a lot... I do remember one of the days that delivery came and I was washing to get things done because when there was delivery there was a shortage of people and there was too much to do... it was hell... well during one of those days... he let all the workers doing their jobs and he decided to take his break... I was washing dishes and he went into the break room... his gf had been waiting for him there... I had an idea of what they were doing ... so I thought; I would dare going in... And it hurt so much they were there... A night cleaning guy came and I saw him... I was going to stop him and tell him to wait but he was by the door and well sure enough what I thought was confirmed... The guy had walked in on them... I am sure embarrassing... he was suppose to go to work the next morning... the manager found out because the guy didn't hold his tongue... they didn't fire him but was asked to quit... and she never showed up anymore... the next day he calls he and he tells me why I didn't warn him.. Yeah, like that was my job... I had warned him far before... after that we started getting stupid managers that didn't do anything... there was more work and it wasn't fun anymore... Since the head manager was a bitch, work was now work and it sucked... there was 3 of us that were pregnant and we were overworked and had to carry heavy things and it just became so bad I quit, Oct 2005 was my last month... Good thing because the next day one of my friends who was pregnant and a manager was worked so much by the head manager that her labor was induced; she wasn't allowed sit down... it was horrible...

So that was the worst job ever...

  
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What advice would you give to graduating seniors and why?

The best advice we can give for graduating seniors is go the farthest you want. If you have a dream of a PhD then go get your PhD and don't let friends, family, or boyfriend/ girlfriends stop you. With the situation it's better to go as far as you want then think of the auxiliary life which would be with a companion for now. Don't get pregnant, don't be stupid... once who have accomplished all your goals then think of kids, a family... and so on... When kids graduate and go to college many kids tend to start drinking, and having sex and enjoying some things that they weren't allowed to do while living in the same roof as their parents but there are ways to still be responsible  and attain the goals you have set for your life!

  
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Would it be a blessing or a curse to lose your memory?

Well, I think I have so mahy memories in my head and even though I knwo I don't remember them all I do remember a lot of which only my dear brain can give me the satisfaction of having. I am not one to tell everything that I have inside and that is what I keep for my self, my secrets, my self... by burden is the only thing that I have for my self and if I were to loose my memory that would be my all, and gone!

Definately a curse, by far! Then again, if I were to start again I think I would be a different person... hmmm....

  
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What are your five favorite movies or TV programs from your childhood?

Well let's see

Recess - early morning TV on ABC

The little Mermaid- Movie

Power Ranger- Loved the pink Ranger because knew she and the green ranger or the white ranger were meant to be... hottie! Tommy!

Blossom- She was funny and Joey was so Hot!!

Hercules Legendary Journeys/ Xena the Warrior Princess 
  
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What is a song on the radio that annoys you?

Right now the most annoying song to me is "mad" by Ne-Yo don't ask me why but every time it comes out of the radio it frustrates me... *shrug*

  
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The creamy allfredo sauce on top of soft pasta with chicken and Parmesan cheese...  Delicioso!!  At first I was making it and I wasn't in the mood but when I took the first bite I enjoyed every second of it. Sometimes I just wish I had more time to do more cooking... I love cooking and  when I do it right I know at the very least it takes like 4 hours... I understand how housewifes of the traditional back ground would do breakfast and start lunch and once that was done wash the dishes and have enough time to do dinner. That is why a real housewife shouldn't have to much time because of all the chores and cooking... just enough time to think  while about to go to sleep but still thinking about what will happen the next day...

I know this is a little of old fashion mentality, but sometimes i wish I could be a trained robot like that....

taking a small break from the cooking but today for some reason my mom wanted pasta. Well she was remember the Quinceanera my brother was in and she liked the food. So right now i am about to make her a pasta with alfredo sauce and chicken... well let's see how that turns out... be back


so excited!

It may  be the lack of sleep or I am just tired, or it was a really stressful end of the month. 

This whole week... I've been lacking the sleep at night, still wake up on time as usual but my whole days just run through my hands like water. When  I least realize it's like 8pm and well sometimes I do things during the day but I sometimes don't feel like it's enough. I should be doing more but time isn't  even any in calculable measure enough. I think I need to do more time management although in comparison to the last couple of years I think I do well. Although, I have been keeping a calender or a planner for quite some time. I guess the only good thing that I learned in college is at least to organize my appointment or to start with a calender so that I didn't loose track of my daily activities. I know many people now a days have some sort of sleeping problems but it should be more common when people are stressed rather than not but only the body itself actually knows since sometimes we ourselves convince our brains otherwise...

Why I am happy

So today I took a nice nap from 5 to like 7pm... I can't believe I actually fell asleep. Well I can, I couldn't sleep last night so I finally forced my self to go to sleep at like 4:30am...  I still woke up at 7:30 so I can take a shower and start my day. I do not know why I have not been able to go to sleep. Since my mom and I have been working very hard I have been more tired but I can't go to sleep once it passes a certain time. We had a canceled appointment which was going to be at 6pm in Alhambra but we  will reschedule and get that going... INstead I know I should have gone to the Business training meeting there was today but I just couldn't handle the red burning of my eyes anymore... and I just fell asleep.  I can't believe how much success I can have with this company. I am starting to enjoy it so much more because I use the products and they feel so great. I just wish I could tell everybody of how they work so they start using them but instead I am just happy on how much they have helped my family.

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