uneasy ...depressed

I know my last post was a little positive yet pessimistic. I was actually feeling rather good and very very surprised at how much I wrote. Anyways, so we went to a  Mass and when we got their late because the address that we were given wasn't' accurate. Well I don't know how we got there but I guess I manage to get there. The part that I got to hear was very nice and kind of motivating. Why is something nice and positive always ruined by stupid people. I can't deal with any crap my mother gives me... I have my whole life and after some therapy I learned to deal with it and not let it get to me to much. That was very hard and painful but a step accomplished...  We were were all sitting in the living room of one of my cousin's aunt's house... and the priest was there. They were all chatting. My mom mentioned that one of my brothers Orland use to seem like he would have the vocation for a priest especially since he still serves the church. Well Apparently he wasn't happy about what my mom said but she didn't say anything bad in my opinion. I mean I also thought that because at the age of 3-4 he almost knew everything the pries would say. He always enjoyed mass... I don't know so much now. Well she also mentioned how my sister wanted to be a nun. My sister use to say that so much it was unclear whether she was serious or joking... obviously she wan't serious... she was just trying to cover the fact that she had ever had sex. Now she says that she was playing... I don't know if she ever  wanted to or not... no clue.  Anyways we all went to the car... oh I didn't mention I left Danny at home with my dad. Well they were mad that they were "put on blast" and upset that i wasn't put on blast and mentioned why didn't she pick on you... so I told them ... have a baby.  So that is where the picking started... my mom was discretely telling me that it was my fault why we were late and that she was going to tell me we have to vbee in places a half and house early so I would get lost...  I don't kno whow my sibblings started talking about dresscodes or something... well my sis had noticed that her hair was a little messed up and my mom's hair was a lil messed up so they were trying to comeup with a word that described and they came up with "Fachas" a slang for a word for underdressed... or disgrace to wear what you wear. My sister said oh I know where that word fits perfect... oh yeah that describes Reyna. I don't know but at that moment I stated to tear up... couldn't contain and they kept going at it. I started crying a lot but in silence... it felt so hurtful but I couldn't tell them see me. It would be too much.  I mean I already couldn't handle another humnuliation and  my tears were an open faucet did my best not to allow them to see. I wanted to be the one to stay in the car. But at the end I just needed to get out of there ... I ccouldn't take it... I walked int he store with blood shot red ... and tears rolling down my cheeks... I didn't care who saw, I didn't know anyone besides it was better than hearing 3 people make themselves feel good on my behalf.  There were time in the store I just ouldn't take it... I could remember those horrible moments life was meaningless and I felt even worse to have such horrible thoughts.  I hate from going  from having a nice day to all of a sudden water works and I can't control them. I don't know what to do... I always try and joy in and try and have fun with them but I am always excluded... they always think that what I do is stupid and I am an outcast.  I don't belong in my house... even my son turns against me... and I can't take this sadness out of my heart. If I go to sleep I feel like I am going to wake up to bad consequences until I wake up bright and early. If I don't do something I am the ingrate... but if I do do something it was because it was for me but no it's not like I tell people borrow my car, I take everybody everywhere they need to go... I go everywhere... I do everything they want because I have to . I hate to disapoint them but eh worst thing they always thorw in my face is Danny. That is not fair... I am sorry... I am really am but i love him but why foes every make me feel so miserable... I can't take this... it's too much... I was really happy and stupid things trigger me .... I dont' belong here but soon enough... Danny will be in School and the ingrate, the disgrace will leave so they can do all their things for themselves and I do my own...  You know one thing I wish.... I wish there was a way I would be able to get along with them without all three teaming up... I am no threat... I am joined to do things with my mother to stop all the arguing to avoid those fights... to hear less... now I am :doing things for myself" I don't know but I thought that was the reasoning behind it all... I go with my sis where ever she needs to go when she wants me to go...  when the bros need rides I am more likely to take them,,, Life has never been easy with me especially since I am prone to a  lot of emotion... hence the title people were given back in the day "emo"  It doesn't help I carry all of their burdens, their locked in feelings... they are all lso cold inside sometimes and I feels like a jar where they just come and empty all the negative and I carry it and carry it... it's not like I want to but sometimes I see their pain and i feel like it's sucked right into me... I carry all their sadness, their angers, their frustrations.... and sometimes can't help but need an out...  AHHHHHH!!!! my head is just screaming and throbbing... in pain, in anger, in a deep sadness, in confusion... no body and I really mean no body in my household understands me... Stupid misery we call life....