Ok, the real reason why I was going to write and then couldn't because of give circumstances... for the record this is for my personal record...
Well on tuesday my son's grandmother came to visit. It had been quite a while but I was happy to see her and he was thrilled. She came after work. I didn't see her right away because I was making calls. My dad had misplaced his phone the day before and well we thought it was at the house and then he asked me a question. "Is there any way to check if calls have been made?" Sure enough I logged into their phone account online and found out that the phone has been found and call had been made. So the next thing I did was call all those numbers... and if they didn't answer I would leave a message... I know... what do you say? Well luckily someone picked up and I called to him and he said he had no idea so I left him my name and number so he would call me just in case... and  the funny thing was that he did call me like 10 minutes later... his kid or one of his kid's friend found the phone... I went and got it... so I came back and said hello. She asked if there was any of my rice... unfortunately there wasn't so I made some especially for her. She has always liked it for some reason. *shrug*. So she stayed ate and then it was time for her to go pick up her daughter and she was saying good bye and asked Danny if he wanted to go with her and he said yes. HE never wants to leave  and this time he did so I let him go.

So the time passed and I took a shower and dressed. I was driving down Sierra and well was trying to relax so I opened my windows and took out a cigarette and just leisurely smoking enjoying every puff well I was driving down sierra it was like about to be 9pm and so since I had just gotten out of the shower I was wearing no make-up... just all natural....So there was this white car and then it passed me and some guy just waved at me. So i thought ok... and just smiled... what can I do they passed me ... so then I get ahead and they pull up next me ... well they were intentionally trying...  so the guy was, " hey beautiful! How are you tonight!" So I nod and say pretty good ... he asks "where are you headed?"  so to get him off my back I told him the truth... I am going to go pick up my son... so then he says, "That's good..." So I nod and he asks," Do you have a boyfriend" and well people out make me nervous well actually all people I don't know kind do so I told him "yeah" and he asks me a funny question,"Happily?" So I told him yes... he said alright... have a good night.  They drove off but still tried to maintain a close proximity but then I turned right on Foothill... I was a little flattered... never have I had a conversation with people while driving... and I am more surprised because I was wearing no make-up so it made me feel nice. It was just a small detail that flattered me in a positive way... but that all fell apart when I came home... My parents seem to be doing well... my dad joined a union but there is still no work... times are a little tough but I think we will be ok. If we stick it through we shall prevail. 

Ok, So I finally can write a little. Although I've been wanting to write for some time but haven't had time but stuff i guess... things accumulate and  sometimes they suck. So yesterday I was scolded... yeah not by  my parents... I am too negative, I am to negative and I am too negative. Apparently everything I write in Facebook is negative so now I have to censor what I write. ok I guess... But, the sad thing is that I now feel like screaming... writing 140 characters worth of comments are what keep me going because I do have a lot of negativity within but I am flowing it out... now I feel I am keeping it... and it's not as easy removing it as saying it and telling it go. I know he means well and he wants me to succeed and he sees this potential but it's like havnig my dad see over everything I say and write... I have no life... friends who are negative have no right, no say in me so I should talk to them... and I need to succeed. I feel happy someone cares that much but at the same time I am saddened... Have you ever felt like you have something you have to do or say and it's aching to pop out of your chest but you can't let it out... well that's how I feel. I don't feel like having a facebook or myspace... Instead of having supportive friends, now I am being critised and a little being told what to write... I don't like putting something unless I wanna, unless it's something from... I guess the only things that I will allow are going to be a few things. I know I am a negative person but I have come a long way. When I was being told that everything I put are too personal (which I know) and negative (which I don't think) I felt put down. I thought I was doing better but there it is someone seeing the negative of what I write... not good even to change a life prospective. I am trying I really am... too me the progress I have made even since march it great... I am trying not to be in a depressive mode anymore... sure on a rare ocassion I feel an urge but I am a lot more happier... it's that I am just not understood anymore... or maybe the attention that I want and sometime crave I am not getting. I guess I might be understood  a little more than I thought and being pointed out my negative flaws I have and come a long way is not easy. It's not easy when you have fought depression since the age of 11 and was such a shy person even when I started school at the age 4 that  I couldn't interact with kids... So what if I am still struggling a little but far less than before. I interact wellwith others... although I do catch my self rollingmy eyes a bit more, getting annooyed at people... recently I don't know what is wrong with me...  sometimes I feel like I am faking.
I don't care who reads it... It'smy right to have people read whatever I write. I'm the author... I choose what I say if people don't like it  don't read it or forget about it. They tell me I am going to be judge with what people read... like I dont' know that... I've been judge my whole like and why? Well mainly because I wouldn't say a word. Now, I know people judge me and sure they feel they have a right but I don't care because it's no longer up to them.... it's now up to me. There will always be those who hate and who like us and will have to deal with it... But I am trully tired of hiding... I am tired of it... I am going to be honest.

crazy internet people

ok, so it had been a really long time since I had join a chat room... probably not since college.... them people are weird, lol. Anyways today I was so bored I decided to join one...on my myspace IM and well all I wrote was "I've never been in a chat room" and well all of a sudden 5 people had send me private IMs so I got out of the chat room because I couldn't handle the multitude .... well  a couple died down quick and then there was another who was from Educador... it took a while on convo but also finally died down... the guy talked about business and his schooling so I gave him his money worth... and his last question was if I was single... I wasn't going to lie... lol.

Anyways, so there were 2 others ... very intereting
The first guy, nice at thebeginning.... he called me hun... and he really wanted me to see his webcam... he is white male, 20 skinny... hair cut a 1 I think... really short because prior occupation... marine. He asked me how did he look and I said young... I didnt want to hurt his feelings... I felt bad. And that was when he made his first comment, "I guess I am never good enough"... So I tried to tell him it's not thathe's not good enough and then he proceeds to tell me he was going to be 23 next month... like age really matters...not when it's one year... I have gotten over that. Anyways, I was doing small talk and he asks for my numbers... well as of now I can't make calls on my cell sadly, or receive them.... and then he asks for a home number and hahaha we don't have one... not like I would give it to anybody though. He was always buzzing me... he wanted all the attention... and then I stopped viewing his webcam... becuase he was just stretching...and it was boring... so he got mad because I stopped viewing and asked me why... ( Geez, crazy!)  So I am always trying to find people interesting well to see if they are... so I asked if he went to school (no) and he says he just got out and well I wanted to know from what and that was when he said he was a Marine... and he was stationed in Iraq... so I was trying to get him to talk but he only did small talk and would  get mad if I wouldn't say anything.... and then he starts to say, "I wish you were here" so I tell him I don't meet people from online...so he says he wasted his time, he's noto good enough... and I am like WTF... he says he's a fool and I teasingly well being a bitch I tell hiim, "is that what they teach you in the marines" and he just says, "You don't wanna know"
...
So I am going to post a little of just the ending of the convo...  sometimes i feel I can't convey what they person is trying to say unless we know what they wrote. This is really where I become comfused and I didn't know what to you anymore... I was a little shocked and appalled....

Him: please give me a chance

Me: for what?

him: to met

Just finished watching "He's just not that into you" for the second time ... lol and I this time it actually made me cry... hahaha  ... chick flicks... I feel lonelier than ever now ... I guess its' the thing we do... can you believe it... All those stupid girls in those movies always end up with somebody... and my whole life all I wanted the perfect person... had one once... who turned out not so prince charming ... and here I am still waiting and dreaming... and the thing is that I do make my self more available ....  I don't want to wait anymore... what can I do to make something happen? Well what can I do to meet people? People who might be interested in me but not only that... people who I will be intersted in as well.... This whole thing has always been such a hard concept for me! People like me and then I let time pass... I Am very undecisive... when I finally decide it's too late... People are always trying to make me a booty call...  I don't think that's fair... is that the vibe I give out...not good enough for a relationship but ok... to f**k... I don't know...Is it because people see I am a single mom and expect me to be easy, is that it? I don't get it...some one who gets itplease explain...

*sigh*