I know it's almost 1am and I am so tired but I can't seem to go to sleep just thinking at the fact that I have to get up early to try and prepare things for Dinner. We don't even know what we're going to do and it's bugging the bejesus out of me.  Everybody always sleeps without worries or at least I think they do and here I am just thinking about something so insignificant. I mean it's not like I am really going to stay here all night. Every New Year's I go to my friends house. It started because we never do anything and it's usually the only times I get to spend some quality drinking time with them. I usually take the baby and put him to sleep there so I can get wasted... I know that sounds bad but I dont' really have any support to go outo ever. O am allowed but I usually have to carry my bundle of joy. I mean I only get to see all my friends together for the most part (since after College) once a year maybe 2 and if it's a good year 3 times but rarely. That goes to show how bored I am. I love my son but I spend every single day and minute with him pretty much. I sure would love a little time for me for once. I know it's not always a lot to ask for but when you're trying to ask it, it sure is a lot to ask for...

Lately, i have been thinking about taking that "Fuck off" sign from my forehead. It's weird but I know I have it. Leas to say my mother has mentioned it. I guess you can say that when you had a boyfriend which lasted 3 years and he has been your only boyfriends and then you have no communication with boys for over 4 well according to them.. I guess they worry. I mean I guess if I was them I would too. But I am not worried. I know what I did and I did notice when there were guys that liked me but I either pretended that I had a significant other or they assumed by the way I acted. It's weird but guys know how girls with a commitment talk, walk, act... I mean everytime my mom had a friend who had a son interested in me she always said I had a commitment. Well she would mention it was my son but she would say it was for the nest I didn't get involved. I think the time has come that my childhood dreams and aspirations are starting to come back. You know when you start dreaming of your "Prince" even though we realistically know it's not true but just dreaming sometimes satisfied the wish. I can't help but smile at the thought of another baby in my arms. I know I hate the idea but in my heart I yearn once again for another child. It's weird because I didn't think I would find myself in this position.  Although, I kind of like the fact of being a single mother. I know it's hard at times and I wouldn't want another child without the father as support but I like that I am free to be with my family at all time... that I don't have to clean, and cook for another person. I love just cooking for my family and they don't judge because they know what I can do but what garantees that a guy I meet will feel the same. Every once grows up with their own dishes but it's so hard to please...

I guess in my life I have always gotten what I have wanted for the most part. It's not that I am selfish I guess I have realistic goals. Well at times, there are other times where we have to set the bar a little higher otherwise we wouldn't be going any where...

I keep thinking a lot about how my birthday is next week... I am going to be 24... 24... Now that it's not a fun age to think about. I am 24 , a single mother, and single. I graduated a 4 year college in 4 years and I have no job.  I hae an education but there is nothing in my field besides I don't want to really do that anymore but I want to go back to school but I have all those school loans and a bad credit now. What do I do if I want to go back. I can't! IT's not easy anymore... I should have had my head on straight but sadly that doesn't always happen. *sigh* I guess we just have to wait and see what happens...

At approximately, 2:55 I found out from a dear friend, My son's father's wife,  that she is going to be having a baby girl. This is some exciting news!!  Congrats, Ana! I can't wait to meet the little girls in a couple pof months. Best of luck to you and Art...

The good news for me, I guess, can be that I am not having the worst day of my life. Although a few minutes ago before I started writing I realize that I have a weird feeling. Almost and uneasy feeling, but I don't know why. I mean it's not like I could have been for Santa Claus. This year I was only bad for a 1/4 of the year and was good the rest. I mean that is better than I can ever say for the rest of my life. And well this year I've been better I didn't get anything at all... is the first year I don't complain about not getting anything. It's weird but it feels as though in my whole household we realized there is more in the holidays than just receiving and not being able to give away.  So, that uneasy feeling, who knows what it can be... It's not like anybody can tell me either because it's all just peraonlized feeling that no one else is ever aware of but my self.  I live a very secluded life of my feeling and emotions. Well the only ones that get a touch of what I feel and think are those who read here other than that I keep everything to my self. We never talk about anything around here. We all have too much in our minds to even have time to think of what everybody else thinking or we're just too bored to even think. It's just stupidity but it's the truth.

What is one word an ex would use to describe an ex?

What is one word guys think of to describe and Ex...?

……Anybody?

DRAMA...
and well yeah I guess in a sense it may be true because of different circumstances but lucky for them when that is true they disregard everything and move on like any normal person does. There are no ties and therefore visitations are very unlikely. Clarify, for the most time....

Well... What happens when your ex is your "baby's daddy" or "baby's momma"? What is it called then?
There is the word again Drama.... why is it that every time a mother wants her kids to see their  father, he just disregards it as nothing. Sure they may believe... well I don't have time now but I will eventually... yeah when? When he's ten and is busy himself.  Better yet why can't friendship work both ways? Or why does it only work one way?

Personal experience:
Well about a year ago and a half ago, April 2006 ... I was not a friend with my son's father that much we would talk here and there but that was it. We would have hard times but we both knew there was no re-kindling of emotions. Well knowing his wife is going to read this anyways I am still going to write it because she is as much part in my life or more than he is. They went through a really strong break-up. He called me or something and all he said over the phone was, "I can't talk to you or see you and Danny ever again." Obviously, I was overtly confused at his calling and saying it because I rarely called him. I never communicated and tried not to ask for anything unless I really needed it. I would try and have it so he would call me of when he wanted to see our son which didn't occur very much. Either way, that call had me puzzled but I didn't care all too much... it was his sort of threats. Later that day he called me and was crying and I was confused because to me he said he wasn't ever going to communicate anymore but he started telling me his life story....
I, then, became his friend. Or what I presumed to be a friend.  I could have blown him off and said, "You know what I don't care what is happening to you, Drop Dead!" But, I didn't... I let him talk... he spoke forever and told me the same things over and over and over... I think most friends would have slapped him and told him, "Get a grip of yourself!" What the fuck are you doing?" He felt he lost the world and his heart was broken to a million pieces... Sadly, I thought this would make me happy at first seeing him go through what he made me go through...The exactly same feelings.  But, I felt bad for him so I started counseling him so he can get better. He would have the nerve to ask me... How did you get through this... And all I would be able to response would be, "TIME."  One day he was at work or something like that and his car was taken away by a tow truck for no tags... well he desperately call me and asked for a ride offering he would pay for my gas. Now I realize I should have said no but I couldn't be that mean when a person was in need. It's not in my nature to refuse help. I would start waking up at 5:30a be at his house by 6:15a when he had work at 6:45 and be at his house at 5:45 when he worked at 6:15... Sure I tried not to complain but he would complain about my driving if I wasn't going faster than 75 or if a red light stopped me... yeah like I could predict them right?  I even started taking my baby so he can see him because he wouldn't see him unless I had him in the car... Fact... It felt like it was my responsibility to have them there together for him to see the baby otherwise it was my fault because I didn't bring him... my fault? Was it my fault.... or because he was depress he just couldn't handle seeing his baby...

Let's see I went through post-partum depression... I was still there for my baby all night. I was a full time student with part time job and a full time mommy job.... I had to make it all work and here he was trying to quit his job just so he can sleep all day... I told him not to throw his life away; he still had 2 sons to think of and should motivate him but he didn't care; only cared about her...

I honestly believe that a guy will love more his lady than his kids. He may say he does but just as he once told me. You have those feelings for the kids because they grew inside of you. We don’t get any connection until they are old enough. Well, Let’s see we don’t’ talk firstly, secondly as of now he wont see or son so how does a father step into play when he never belonged or try to corresponded to his son?

We are drama, right? Now, this is drama because we allow them to see their children. Who then becomes the drama when the dads neither are then nor allowed to see their kids? Let me tell you for a while I didn’t want him to see my boy, why? Well, because my parents forbid it. Yes they did.  So during those moments he would have his mother call ask for permission, or even his girlfriend… Tell me is that a nice way to ask? Have someone else tell your baby’s mother that he wants to see his son. No balls, (guts!), to do his own job… besides I had a feeling it was a pressure that his mom or girlfriend (now wife) created. Who starts the drama then? They do… They hate it when we put guidelines but the moment they have the freedom to do what they please they don’t do it because it’s too easy. They love the thrill I’m not being able to do something… Isn’t that in itself Drama?

Yeah, that’s Drama…

Let me create a little drama then. If I please… he left to boot camp last February. I said fine. Which meant I couldn’t ask him for things the baby needed because I had to sign a waiver, right?  I mean he barely gave me anything and I didn’t put child support on him because I am a nice person. Well because I knew he would fuck up and blamed me for doing so, typical. Can’t take responsibilities on his own hands it’s on everybody else. Well he came back in May and saw my son for 20 minutes one day and for a sec the next. And I mean literally. I think he saw him once more in august and I asked him mother to baby sit Danny for me so he got to see him once more but other than that… he has not even taken the liberty to ask to see him. I have send him random texts where the baby has needs and well he sends his wife which I don’t mind because she is my friend but here are my parents saying oh well he never sees him. And I just tell them… well maybe he’s working or something, I don’t know. Working, well possibly but only he, his wife and God knows what he does. I don’t get as mad that he doesn’t come around I gave up fighting on that subject myself. Why, fight right? I let things be my son gets what he needs and every once in a while gets to spend time with his half brother when his wife and I spend some time together but what’s going to happen when my son starts asking questions. That is what I am dreading the most. The questions… What am I going to say? Will he be old enough to understand the truth… Will he tell him? Will there be tension? You know the drama that life sometimes causes on its own…

Drama

Drama

Drama

Funny how life works…

Oh and I had most of this written since august but didn’t have time to get around to it. I know I for some things but hey sometimes keeping it simple stupid gets a little more to the point… Although I realize this is a little long…hahaha!

When  I woke up today I felt different. Almost invincible. Almost as if I never lost anything at all. Almost as if I was stronger than usual. I don't know why but I almost feel as though tomorrow is then going to be the worst day of my life. You know sometimes we just get weird feelings. Sometimes I wonder if we can actually have so much to loose or if we cling too much that when we do loose it we loose ourselves. Sometimes I wonder how is it that we never have ourselves but we let others have us... have us as in, in their power, containment. Sometimes it feels as though some of us girls, we have had problems all of our lives try and cling to something stronger so that we don't have to handle everything on our own... Then at the end of the night we're the ones who are keeping it all together. We are the ones who suffer for everything while never being kept in consideration. We are the ones who are cheated on and we never realize. We're the ones who are always kept in the dark. And we never know anything. I sometimes wonder if some of us have the 6th sense to feel when something like that happens. Well sadly, I did, almost every time... until he was lost... lost as in he separated the connection. Have you ever felt there was such a strong bond you knew their every thought, the movements they were going to make, their goals, aspirations... then after a while you couldn't see that light, that color that was once there. It's almost as if that love was it's own soul or heartbeat... you feel it beating and pounding in color but when it starts dying the pulse diminishes... and as much as you tried to revive it the light, the pulse, the color is slowly dying. Even though sometimes you don't realize it for years... you're the one who died. You're the one who lost the connection... maybe some believe there is a soul mate out there for every one. Can this be true? Well I think there can be but how often do both make that connection, that 6th sense? When is it that both persons know each other so well that they don't care what they do. They know what they have done and just close their eyes to anything else to pretend everything is going to be okay. Sometimes they're together but are they really together. Are they really bonding as it should be? What step are they in their relationship?

It's so weird how one just goes on about nothing and everything that has ever made sense in their life. For many this is just gibberish and insignificant but to other it makes us think. Who are we and where do we stand with our partners. Are they really with us or what games are we playing in this life. Why is life considered a game at times, then? If we must survive in life why is it that we become so susceptible to heart ache and then again we get lost amongst ourselves.

ranting....

I am so happy I just finished the whole translating. It took me quite a while but I completed my task. I know it was no easy task but I sure learned a lot. You know what, I think the thing I enjoy the most about translating english to spanish is that as I do it I learn more spanish.  Translating at time isn't as easy I make myself think is it or as I make others feel like it comes to me. Sometimes I make some things sound too easy other times I don't know how I get mys self into things. It's ridiculous, I don't know.

So Danny's been more actively talking on his imaginary phone. It's cute seeign talk to no one and be interetained but I don't know. It's so weird because sometimes Danny looks at me and he says weird things like baby stuff. Sometimes it feels as though he is asking me for another baby, you know like a brother or sister and it freaks me out.  I hate the thought of more kids in an unstable life. It's so adorable he just came and gave me a huge hug and as always he pats my back.  It's so weird because I hate the thought of another baby because I still remember all that pain but on the other hand I feel as though I am ready for another. I see my self in the future/ near future but I know I can't and I am not ready. I think I would freak out if within the next couple of years I do end up pregnant. I'm scared at the thought but weird thing is that I am more scared at being in a relationship and it's weird because I don't know why. I have been thinking more and more about relationships and I remember that even though in the past when I was talking to guys I just was the one who put the stopped and never made them work. All those guys who I was talking to/ dating for a small while are all married and the thing is I feel so stupid well it's not like i ever saw myself long term with any of them except one but that deterriorated in the last few years. I think I put my self in this box and now I can't get my self out. For a long while all I would see in the future was getting married, having kids, being happy in its own way. Now I see all the disfunctions that happen in marriage. Everybody fights too much, they're not truyl happy, the divorses, all the cheating... it seems like it never ends. I feel like I would love to trust guys but they're just not worthy of it. I would like to respect them but there is no use anymore. Even my closest guy friends I feel as I see them differently and I don't like them for them anymore.  I guess I finally threw my self back to reality instead of living in my little fantasy world I use to live in. It kind of sucks though. 

So my mom worries about my memory. I know I spoke to my aunt on saturday about maybe going to  pick something up at her house but that's it. So Today or sunday my mom told me when I wokr up that my aunt had invited us to go eat with her at her house. My mom told me that she had already told me the day before but I do not remember. I mean I do worry about it sometimes but sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I wonder if I should really be worried or I just forget the unimpotant things to me? I don't know but I tend to remember some very random things... Is there something wrong with me or it is just an illusion within my self? But what can it be? At times I wonder how things would have been if that second chance when I was preparing for solo ensemble festival should have just stayed that way and I would have just concentrated on my music and nothing else. Music... well here I am anyways. Althogh the one thing I only here in jazz is the Barri -sax...  I don't think I love my music anymore as much as I use to. I feel I have lost some passion in my life and I don't know where it has gone.  It's weird because jusy right now I actually feel sad. Not sad sad but I feel pity for my self. Kind of like sorry for being stupid ...

I am stupid!

I think last night I slept a good 12 hours. I don't know what made me sleep so much. I told my mom last night that we were going to go to church in the morning but I don't think any of us woke up... well at least I didn't. And it's weird because the other day my sister made a comment to me about going out with this guy and I haven't thought of him in that way. Well we hardly see each other but ever since then he's been sort of in my mind but I really pay attention to feeling because if I start thinking about them I am going to start acting strange.
That was weird I just went random and didn't finish what I was talking about lol. Maybe what I really need is a lot more rest. When I rest I should start feeling better. Then I start thinking well what is considered rest. I sleep ...well I haven't been eating as well but what can we do about that. Yesterday I threw up and it was gross...eww... My dad brought me medicine from TJ for my infection so we'll see how that goes.

I can't believe it

So honestly, I can't ever remember the last time I was sick like this. Well The last time I ever got sick was when I was pregnant almost 4 years ago. But, this is a different kind of sick. I mean I have taken the flu shot before and well I have in my life never been this sick well at least not as a teen or an adult. It's ridiculous. I can't believe it. Well that's a stupid statement since obviously I have no choice but to believe the facts that are in matter.

Oh gosh, I've been working on my translating for a few hours and I am kind of bored and tired although I am know I am almost done. I was stuck for like 2 days on a sentence and it wasn't easy to translate. It was one of those weird sentences that I would try to re-word and it wouldn't make sense but it took for ever. Either way I am going to try and finish this all so I can e-mail it to my boss and be done... well wait until I get another response.

The pill that my dad gave me really helped. I no longer feel that pain as I pee. Hahaha it sounds funny... but I feel so relieved. The pain is not completely gone but it does feel a lot better in comparison.

It was so weird this morning while we were coming back from church I was feeling quite nauseous  it was gross. Maybe it was because I was in the back seat and I am use to always driving. I don't know. My dad gave me a pill that he took when he was a urinary tract so I'll see how I see tomorrow. It still hurts but at least I am not really bleeding anymore. That's a relief. I am going to drink more water and make a tea that will help me.

According to

Well I went online and put in my symptoms until I found something and well it seems as though I might have a very strong urinary tract infection. It sucks because I have always suffered from bladder problems and urinary tracts but I would have thought that they would go away but they never do. It sucks because now it explains everythingi that has also happned while being sick least past 2 and a half weeks.  I  guess I am going to start drinking come cranberry juice and more water but I can't even go to the Doctor because I can't... there is no money and well it sucks honestly. It does. The last time I had a urinary tract I was prenant with Danny and they gave me meds I took them and after 2 weeks they checked me out and I still had it so more meds... I don't know but it hurts and its uncomfortable.

concerned

It's so weird today. So I had an urge to go to the restroom and urine. And although I had an urge for the first time I was able to hold it in because I usually can't. I usually When I feel I have to go, I really have to go. I guess I have some bladder problems. And the weird thing was that yesterday was the last day of my menstrual cycle but anyways.... So today when I had the urge I finally was able to get to a restroom. As I was going I had this weird pain while going.  It almost felt as I am draining out it's weird because it's only in my lower stomach area. It worries me because it just started today and now it makes me want yo go to the restroom more often. It hurts though. I just went to the restroom like maybe 20 minutes ago and it hurt the same but this time it was hurting a little more almost like more needs to come out and it wont but the cramping to go to the restroom continues. I wiped and there was a light pinkish color in the paper and well I know that is not part of my menstrual  cycle. I saw into the toilet and there was a light pinkish blood in the water... almost as it had dripped a few dropping. I don't know what this can be but it worried me a little. I can't tell my mom yet because it worries me but I told my sis. I wonder what it is... *sigh*

Well I am quite happy. Yesterday we had the posada at our house and like every year it ended here. There was a pinata, food and candy. So I helped my mom make Birria and so I finally really learned how it's made. I hadn't paid that much attention until yesterday. Well It was my responsibility to make the rice and I always make and it turns out good but I have been wanting it a certain way with a certain taste. I wanted it to come out dry yet a little juicy. I wanted it just perfect and i think I figured how to make it that way.I did it twice it it came out right both times. I think I finally got something right. So now I can do 2 types of maxican rice. One is more simple and the other a little more careful and more spices. I liked it... yummy. from now on I am writing down exactly how I do things until I find the way I like the way things come out. That way I can have recipes and make it the right. it's weird because something so simple to make can take many years to perfect or do for the taste of your mouth. Now there are other things I want to figure out. It just takes time and a little mixing here and there ... How I love cooking...

Sometimes the best thing is to ask for help

SO everything taken care of. Now I am trying to talk this person to seek some help. Apparently, her mom was abused by her dad and she also was unfortunate enough to get part of the punishment. She is young and her parents are going through a divorce. I know she is going through a lot and I am hoping that she seeks for help. She writes little comments like "can't I just die now..." And I talked to her about that. Well I know she doesn't want to take her life but sometimes it seems as though things would be better that way. I want to go talk to a professional. She needs to release everything she has bottled up and since her whole family is going through the same issues there is no way she can seek help within. I am sure her mom must be torn. I just hope the best for her.

January

So january is almost here. It's a new year so that's exciting. My birthday is like in 2 weeks but that's no longer exciting. My age is running away from me. I don't feel old but those number say otherwise. I wish i was still in high school. Anyways, that can't be changed. Well on jan 2nd my car registration expires and on my birthday 5 days later my license expires too. Ah. . . I don't know what i'm going to do yet but i'm praying that it will be ok. I'm sure Danny will undertand that i'm sorry i couldn't get him a little gift for his b-day or christmas, right. It's not like gifts really matter all that much. :( well that's it for now until i leave from here.

Boring day

This morning i went to the Rancho Court to see how much my ticket was going to be. I mean i just wanted and a price range because either way i knew i couldn't afford it. I asked my dad to in with me because have going to certain places alone. He asked me to ask how much and wait before i asked for the extention. I asked and the guy said something like 169. So them he asked if i was going to go to traffic school and of course i don't want that in my record so i said yes. He said well then your total is 198. . . So i asked him if i could look for the place my self and not pay. He said that we still have to pay. I don't know but i find it stupid that we have to say them to go to traffic school and still pay the traffic school. Sure they give us a list but it's not worth what we pay for. Well my dad decided to pay for my ticket. I wasn't expecting it. I'm just expecting on finding another job soon. Now we're in the DMV. . . Boring. Well my dad has to get a permit to be able to move his truck.

Well today was a bit easier to cough. Although I don't have any more sweater . So I have been washing all day to take clothes to dry at a laundromat but I don't[ want to go and come back because it's in Glen Avon and although it's not that far it's also not that close. Ugh... Can't wait until we have some kind of a dryer. If we would have a dryer here I could have used those few dollars to get Danny something for his birthday or christmas but oh well sometimes we just can't and this year it's one of those.

Last night was one of my worst nights. With my headache, not being able to move. I was so cold... They had the heater on and that warm wind would give me the chills because it felt cold. NOt to mention that I was wrapped in my blanket. I still have that headache but oh well. I am still cold but I don't have a sweater right now... I am going to have to look for one.

Today I was awaken by my little piano's student's mother... The little girl cancelled her lesson for today because she has finals. Well today is her last final. So today I am going to go talk to her and her mom. She's been wasting her parents money, she is not practicing, and it insulting to have me hanging in there until she is ready. Music takes dedication and a lot of sacrifise which she is obviously not ready to comit for. There are many kids that disliked their parents for making them practice, learn but eventually they learned that it was for the best.... I mean I never mind going. I love teaching music and seeing the interest in people but when they loose the love for music teaching them is such a drag. IT gets boring. You know what i'm saying. I could only do so much for her but I can't practice for her. My responsibility was to teach her and go into the depth of the music, her responsilibity although not hard was to get her assigned music under her fingers. She is very smart and she could get it in 1 day many 2 tops but many times she would make the excuse that she didn't get it the next week. So I would have to teach her her whole assignment. She at least couold have learned the notes and me not let her where to put her hands. I've been teaching for almost a year and there's not much progress there... I get very irritated... It's time for her to smell the coffee....

Why is it that sometimes we go to friends because we think they will help us out and be there holding our backs in case anything happens. Sometimes we trust unconditionally but is it  really unconditional? Sometimes we just want to hear what we want to hear and is it ever? Well in my case it never is... There have been a few times that I have trully gone to friends so thatthey can help me sort out things and help me feel better but I never get the consolation I crave.  I guess it's good to have honest friends but let's face it if we're are going to them to begin with we know the truth and we are seeking for help. Sometimes when they say something like you need to start that addiction... ok thank! The fact is that when people go to people it's because they know something is wrong and they don't need anybody else to let them.

SO why is it that when friends see you so anxious they say... You can tell me anything. We're friends; I don't judge you. Is that really the truth. I sadly think it's not because most of the time things change. They look at you in differnt eyes. Almost and somtimes as if you discipable. My question are there really frienda out there that don't judge or try to find reasoning in the things you have done in your life you're sometimes ashamed of.

If we have things we obviously cannot trust ourselves or our friends what do we do... What do we do to take it off our chest when no one can be trusted not even your own self.  You know you can't trust yourself when you find yourself wanting and aching to release it all... You still manage to hold it in but for how long? You  know most of the time it's not even anything jeoperdizing to any one but to your self , you're caged. Caged in your own life that no one knows about. When can you trully be your self and still be happy without being judged. Even those you love or love ou judge you the most. Where is the love if you have to change to be happy?

Randomness...rambling of nothingness

This is just not working out... I don't know what to do ... I just feel so weird.... so tired... and this weird feeling inside of me... It's almost as if I have something yet I am stilling missing it. I don't understand what it could be but it's bugging he hell out of me... my right arm is hurting right now and everytime I breath I start coughing. So, weirdly enough, I cough with my mouth closed and I am able to control the chest pain.  Or, it controls that I don't have to keep coughing more and more because it hurts.

It's weird because sometimes I hear the wedding bells ringing and then I just hear them turn to funeral bells... the melodious sound of happiness to the distorted sound of minor 2nd bells ring in syncopation. It's weird sometimes I just have all these thought and I start thinking but still I remain blank without thought. It's like sometimes I just think so much that I don't even think.

Just like Sally's dong...
just that the corporate is unknown to even me...

I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend
And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together?
no, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one

Sometimes I feel as though something wants to be revealed but I am a little scared to find out what it could be. Have you ever had a feeling that something is going to happen... not necessarily to you but someone close to you. I am not sure but isn't just anybody. I almost feel though some one out there feels just as I do. Almost as though we just a piece of the puzzle. Can it be that many of us have of pieces that can solve many misteries. Well actually I am sure many people always have pieces that complete others, I guess that's why we call it life but there is something more. And I mean let's be honest we all know that the vilains in soap operas (novelas) they always seem to know more than they should or they easily obtain info. Can a person still be good and know things or does that automatically make them bad? Somtimes I wonder if  I am good or if I bad. I don't know there have been do many things... I know like everybody else we are all corrupt but I guess it's how we use information. But, are thoughts as bad as doing an action? I think so so how can we tell if a person is truthfully at heat nice. And if a person has changed so much what in  their life has caused them to changed so much in thoughts, honesty and purity...

Why is that sex corrupts the minds of the young? The very neccesasity to fornicate as we have learn is bad but has it always felt so good or in some cases ...bad...
Can it be for some one to have a connection yet not be meant to be? Why is it that Sexual intercourse cause that supposal bond... well it is a crime of passion but then why is it condemned in many cases. It's so werid. Our society just seems to confuse many. Everybody just has their opinions and no one's are valued and in many cases prefer to listen to the one that benifits their certain circumstances... but is that fair?

We all have learned the lifeis not fair ever and we must subcome to it... we are weak and yet there are those few who defeat the supposal creed of life yet their are considered much less...

What in life is actually right and what is wrong? What are the differences and why...
I'll give an example...

Ok, so we all believe killing is bad, right?
Killing is bad but I still believe that the death penalty should be kept. Sometimes I wished that instead of having to keep paying taxes to keep them in prison....

On the opposing side,  I could very well have my father, brother, uncle, boyfriend, husband, son in death row... who would want to see their loved one die...no one...

Sure in many cases people commit crimes...

Let's use this intance also...
BABIES

We all know killing is wrong...

Why is it wrong to kill a baby after they have been wrong?

But, sometime it's ok to kill an unborn child?

What's the difference? Freedom...


ok, so I finally had the opportuniy to see The Dark Knight awesome movie. I can't believe i had to wait this long to get to see it... I know I shouldn't have had to but seeign as plans were changed, not on my end but it happens...  I want to see it incase I missed anything... I love watching movie... now I have to eventually get the first m ovie and this one... Somtimes it's those kinds of movies that just give me a little more ump to go on more... I don't know...

So I am still very sick... I can't stand myself... sometimes I just don't feel like getting up but the happy thing is that it's finally not over depression... I am happy because I still feel sane but I still have a lot I have to talk. There is so much on my chest that I need some attention. I almost need an unbiased opiniated person... just like Chris... he was good to talk to... Sometimes those training to be thrapists are better than actual ones... At that moment I only spoke of the immediate family issues and separation factor that I had within but there was more to speak but an hour a week was never enough... with a total of 10 hours in a semester of hearing the same crap I released painful agression towards my parents but I am still left at times with other agression. Some feeling if unfinished business... I don't know why I feel this way. I have fulfilled and finished many chapters in my life... Have you ever heard of how some people can't live in the present because the past lingers in the present/future...
 I never really understood how that relates to me but I need to make since of why sometimes I want to break something or bite through something ... you know like biting through meat as it sinks in but not cooked me... I jusr want to bite something... it's weird... I know I am starting to look weird/crazy... but I am not. You know many of us never notice that our thoughts just happen and if somebody paid attention to our every thought we would all be considered crazy...

I live such a dull life yet I have no time to be some one... the weird thing is that I have been changing so much and the weird thing is that I am noticing the change. It's almost as I feel I have this control... tthis power... I almost felt I lost a little this past weekend but I need to let it go otherwise I am going to loose it and I cannot have that anymore. I am cannot be the controlled...

Oh yeah and since we're talking about things that controll us or we control... I have bladder problem... I guess since I have little and they never go away. Ugh... my mom says I have always had kidney problems but they have only hurt a few times that I recall... this is so stupid.

My parents made it to Kentucky today, Thank God, and they were on their way way this morning at 8...*sigh* Everything that I have been doign this week although they are not here are not in the job description of big sis but I would have been doing them anyways... I don't have a life. People assume that I have fun doing their every need... But what about my need... Oh it's a favor to watch over their nephew because I have to take their mother somewhere, or their other sibbling somewhere else... What wouls happen if I just said no to it all? hmmm... I am intrigued!!!

Finished cooking

I just finished cooking the enchiladas for my brother and put them in the oven so i can reheat them in the morning. It wasn't bad it only took me 2 hours to do it all. So i finally had the opportunity to watch the dark night today. My first time and omg that movie. . . Keeps you at the edge of your seat. I almost want to see it again just in case i might have missed anything. So i'm so tired but i'll see. I burnt my right hand ring finger. Ouch! I think i'm getting even sicker my chest hurts when i cough so i don't want to. My throat tickles and my stomach is sore from coughing. I think imma turn off the tv and sleep. :)

It's so cold outside... So we're going to go to a posada with my brothers at church. It's part of their 2nd year confirmation class project. So I guess since my parents aren't home I am going to take them there. WEll I am going to take everybody... I know we usually wouldn't all go together but hey it's time we sometimes act as a family. And then, we're probably going to go to the store to buy some cheese... One of my brothers asked me to make him some Enchiladas for school... it's part of his class grade... well in other words its a way to call it a party without getting in trouble for it... For I am going to cook them tonight and probably put them in the oven in the morning to heat up and well I don't know what they'll do at school but my job would be done! 

Man, yesterday getting wet is really doing somethin for my chest... a dry cough... and once I start coughing there is no way of stopping it... ugh....

So I spoke with my parents a few minutes before ... They said they are doing ok. There is a lot of snow, though. When I was talking to then they were around St. Louis, Missouri ... it as it seems they still have around 250 for miles to go. I guess what has really slowed them down is all the snow but they said it's a good trip and they are having. I think they needed something where it would just be the 2 of them. They said they are very cold and I guess there is a slow storm going their way so the place they stayed in last night recommended not to leave but they knew they had to move forward for a little while more...they are on a mission and their goal is to reach Louisville, Kentucky....

Oh yeah, so where did I finish...

Well, Saturday since everything was so fast and we had a lot to do I didn't have time to dress up but it's ok... sometime when it's not possible it just isn't.

Well, my parents took my mom's car which I was a little worried about because we were pretty much going to be left without a vehicle or at least a short term vehicle. See my dad hasn't really allowed me to use my car much because the condition the tires have been in. SO I told him, "Daddy, you're going to leave me without a car?" And ironically he said, "well you're car works fine.." so I told him, "well then you take my car and I'll just use mom's car" so hesitantly he said, " well it needs tires" so I said well what tires it's nothing" But then I said, "Dad, I'm just kidding! I don't care, take mom's car" so then Later in the afternoon my mom asked me if my dad had given me money and I said no. "Why would he give me money?" " So you can change the cars in you car" I was so confused in no way was I ever expecting him to give me money for tires but since they left and they didn't wake me up I just assumed that they didn't leave anything then they call me around 10:30 and they told me that I needed to go to Pepboys and get them replaced. He had spoken to the people the day before. He had leftus some money but wanted me to see if they would accept them to allow him to pay with his card as well. So I went and the guy told that it would cost approximately $293 So I told him why so much...  because each tire wasn't that much and for the concluding price to be that high had me thinking. He listed everything that they were going to do... so I said take out the allighment... so the guy says well the allingment is optional but I lovehow they didn't tell me this before hand... so then he re-calculated and said it's probably going to be a little over $200 so I asked exactly how much... and he said 207 because I was about to leave... so I heard 207 ... so I said ok... that can be done. I can $200 cash and so then I remember what my dad told me about his card so I asked the guy if my dad can call and blah, blah, blah but he said no that my dad would have to be present with an ID.... it's not like I had the card or anything. I called my dad and told him we couldn't do that then he asked me did you talk to so-n-so and I said whichon ... he said he's a little chubbier and his face looks like he was beat up... so I look for him and finally talk to him and I explained the situation so he said he was going to do it this time only, well since he knew my dad and he was a loyal customer. I mean I don't really care of he says he's never going to do it again as long as he was doing it right now... ya know?

So yeah, yesterday we didn't even have time to go to church ... bad, bad, bad... But since the Novenario for my grandpa's death started we went to that instead. It's going to go for the next 8 sundays at like 6-7 pm ...

So my aunt was telling us how when everybody came back on friday ... she was crying a lot around 3-4pm. She had another dream about grandpa. He returned to her in a dream, in a white suit... Telling her that she needs to stop crying for him. She says that he said he was very happy where he is and didn't need her to suffer or put herself through that. Which her crying he feels bad... So we're all assuming that he isn't resting as much but he had a good life and did everything he wanted I guess also because he had made them promise not to cry. And, all the ceremonies were very peacfuly no crying... and no one was scared to go near his body. It's like when he died he gave us all the security and peace of mind that we all knew it was time. And everytime we saw his body even though he had passed we no longer left we needed to cry... we felt happy he was in a happier place and he wasn't in agonizing pain anymore. Grandpa R.I.P.

So sometimes I am so tired of so many things. There are just a few things that I am tired... I don't want them yet they continue. I don't understand why it's so hard to stop them. Some things just suck.  I guess sometimes it's just about waiting and seeing how everything turns out. We all only hope for the best, pray for the best and try and relax.

Danny just makes me so happy... he is grasping to so much more now it's amazing. He surprises me even more day by day...  Well the Posadas start today and in my house so I got to pick up a few things before they start at 5pm. We start the praying part in my house and go to another house where we sing and then they feed us and give the kids a goodie baggy. I was so sad I couldn't get baggies and cady for saturday but times are hard and I was glad peopel were satisfied enough the food and cake... I am just at such a peaceful state but there are still something that are eating me out... I need to write... maybe later...

I had written so much right now and it all got erased and it ...Ugh!!

start over!

I am so happy about the turn out for Danny's little Dinner. Firstly, I was surprised that my cousins stayed that long at my house. They barely come over and socialize... I guess we have always grown up so different we all barely have things in common or maybe it's  that we still haven't had an oppotunity to meet completely. Well I am sure my sister has because she has traveled with them to Minnesota and Mexico... so now I feel a little left out I don't know. Maybe once we started spending more time together as a family things will smooth out... and besides we have even older cousins that are starting to come into the picture... so we'll see...

Danny had so much. I am just so glad he was able to entertain and remain entertained. I know he an Cassandra have always hit off off very well although she tattles a lot... I was also very Happy that Danny and Ray( his half brother) had an opportunity to spend time together. They were having so much fun together, it was just adorable. They were both jumping on my sisters bed (so funny!). Although I wasn't expecting that many people because I didn't tell anybody I was happy but at the same time I am still a little sad that his dad wasn't able to make it... it's been a real long time since he has last seen his... I don't know. they gave Danny a real sweet card... made me tear up but you know like they always say actions speak louder than words... I wish he would show more affection then again... that's too much to ask for... well I don't know... I am tired of getting into the same arguments so I let him be. So Danny was very excited about everything he got which it all came from his dad's side of the family...Danny is sometimes very hard to please but what they got him was amazing and pushes him forward more into what I want him to get into. Thanks!!

Although, there was one awkward moment in the party that I found amusing. My cousin's daughter is very, very, very, very curious little girl... before I say ... before anybody was here... Danny took her into my sister and my room and she came out and asked, "Why is your room so messy?"...hahaha... well and when he were going to cut the cake she was upset because she wants to sit next to Danny and I didn't let her... sometimes I want him a little away from her.. I get a little irritable at times. But I allowed Ray to sit next to Danny and well she was bugging about why I allowed him and not her... so I told her that they were brothers and she asked then why don't you call him son too... my cousins just yelled at her too be quiet... I know it must be very hard not knowing what is going on at times. They are obviously bringing her up in a very sheltered way... because she tattled because Danny said the "S" word which was "shut up"... I know it's bad but whatever. Then she also asked me where Danny's dad because Danny calls my dad dad ... and she was asking that is Danny's dad and I told her no that is my dad... Danny grandpa...a dn so ,"Where's Danny's Dad?" so then i was stumped and my cousins interfered but she also has no Dad so I don't know... confusing and hard to explain.

So it was a long day but a very good and exciting day. loved it and I was happy. After everybody left I went to sleep I think. I don't know but I was tired. My mom and dad ended up leaving after the party... well technically it was Sunday morning. They left around 4am. I am not sure where they are right now but last they were in Oklahoma... and still had a while to go. They are on their way to Kentucky. I guess they are picking up 3 people, 2  adults and a little girl. I don't know. Well I have to go pick up my brothers from school because it's pouring then I'll write some more. I know I have more to spill...

oh I forgot.... I am excited! I called my sister this morning at like 10:20 and she said they were in the border in TJ waiting to cross... She's at my aunts house but I can't wait to see pictures and news of the family in Jalisco. On monday when we left her at my Tia's house Danny was so sad because she didn't come home. I can't wait to see his little expression... He loves his Nina so much... And she loves him so much as well... Seeing them together makes me so happy many times.

Today My Dad asked me to see how far Kentucky would be ...and it came out to be like 2050-2100 aprox where he wants go... Apparently he is leaving tomorrow on a long drive. I don't know many details but I guess he is doing it for his compadre and bringing someone from out there... unsure??

My dad also went to the doctor on tuesday and at least we now know that he has Anemia... and that is what causes most of his problems... so is beginning to eat better...

I think just today Danny and I have watched The Nightmare Before Christmas at least 5 times... It seems as though he has really gotten attached with the movie. At first I thought he was going to be scared but in a way I am kind of glad he's not. Even though, I still consider it a rather dark Disney movie. But I love it, too. ... the longing for more... wanting something not understood... being in a place no one understands you... Danny Elfman was amazing with the music... it seems when he can add the sax he does a great job at making a great part for it. Earlier danny was humming This is Halloween song and so I went online and looked up some of the songs and we were singing them and Danny was having so much fun...
I should have gone to mass today but oh well... it's too late. I guess I shouldn't have fallen asleep. But I need to go wash so mom and I could go dry in a laundromat... So frustrating....

Yesterday I stayed up until midnight working and it was a bit tiring. It took me a while to figure out things but I am actually glad that I am now more effectively using my e-mail and my phone.. I was also working right now doing some last minute calls for a trip that's going to be done for February. I think everything that I am doing well being his personal assistant and taking care of a lot of the tedious jobs off his hands are helping me. It's helping me ... I don't feel so trapped in my box. I feel that I am starting to change once again. I am not as much a nervous wreck as I use to be... I guess in a way I am starting to gain some personality and I am not afraid to be put down or to say no to people. You know sometimes people have the fright to be turned down in one way or another but nothing is affecting ... I think I am on a good road... to success...

After a couple of days without my phone and not being able to use the features that I get were miserable... This always happens when you need to be contacted the most... The worst timing. Even being sick becomes a hassle at a bad time but the good thing is that I am still able to work sick ... everything came at the worst timing... It seems as though even though everything doesn't always go well, somethings do. I am glad that I am keeping busy while doing jobs for the person I am working for. I was talking to him how my printer head was broken and he said he had a printer and all it needed was ink... and since I do many calls for him and talk for him he might give me a phone to use for the purposes... Sometimes I don't know if at times I am in right places or do favors for the correct people but I might just start working on something to become a better person or do things for people. But the sad thing is that even though I do ok I never have enough to spend on anything and ont even pay any bills... I can't even afford to pay the most important bills I have; it gets so frustrating at times... well always... well time to try and do some work...     

So I am sick sick... tired and well I was fortunate enough that somebody was so stressed they needed a massage... her therapy ended and now I have a little money to wash and dry clothes... grrr... well just dry... our washer still works...So I guess a couple of people might come saturday to see Danny but I can't do anything big...well I can't do anything but food... so I guess that should be fine. I told my mom posole would be the cheapest and easiest to do so hopefully. Everything sucks but it seems as though I am going to keep working for the Reginal Sales Director of the county. I hope this helps...it's not the best pay but I think once I am ok and everything settles who knows it might actually be ok... I am willing to put the work and so what I can do for future refernce... And to show that not even being sick I stop... *cross my fingers*

A little sick

I woke up still feeling down... man now I am thinking I shouldn't have put that flu shot but it was free... who doesn't take ooportunities of free things, lol. Anyways either way I am a little worse I am better because my nose isn't as stuffed and I can blow my nose but i am sneezing more.

In the morning when I woke up, Danny was looking at me and he said, "mommy I want sopita...ewito"... and although I was dizzy I got up ... Yesterday morning I made him a very liquidy oat meal and that was his sopita... so that is good he liked it... and his "ewito" is "huevo" which is egg... so I made him both so he would have the option to choose. Of course he likes eggs better so he ate the egg and I ate the oat meal and he was happy... We'll see how the day turns out for him. Right now, I gave him a bath and he is watching Pinnochio... man how he loves that movie... A couple of movies I wish I can get for him but saturday are Wall-E and Kung-Fu panda... we watched those in the theater and he just loved them... So we'll see.. eeek... He's been asking for Wall-e so if not for b-day maybe for Christmas... How I wish things get better!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON! I LOVE YOU DANNY!!!
To think at this moment 3 years ago I was just admitted into the hospital with excrutiating pain and 3 years later he is still mine and all of my family's SUNSHINE!

So yeah, I can't even receive any calls or txts... stupid! Oh and I am so sick... fuck man.... grrr... Well the Rally was a great turn out... I was happy and it was fun... So the RSD told me that we have a goal... for me to be Manager by February. If I complete that goal I am sure he'll hire me... Ay but right now I am so sick and my stomach is so empty... so much to do and no time... everything ... bad timing ... I don't know so if anybosy needs anything... I check my e-mail constantly... pinktiger335@yahoo.com

Hard times...
Well my sister and some of our family left to mexico this early morning. I am thinking they are in a plane by now on their way to Zacatecas. Since it was a last minute thing they couldn't get passports so they flew from the airport in Tijuana(TJ), Mexico. Oddly enough my dad couldn't go on the trip because he has been really ill... so ill he was laid off from work last week. So his Compadre took him to TJ to see a doctor. My mom is frustrated because the Compadre's (that took my dad) wife (mom's comadre) told her yesterday that she needs to do something and start working... My mom isn't exactly ready or adaquate to be doing her job as well as she use to besides she is always taken for granted. Nobody sees what she does. Even though she isn't working she manages to pay everything she can from the little income she gets. Nobody sees that. Everybody just complains and complains but it's hard. My dad is sick because he wont go to a doctor and we tell him but he says later... someone else tells him and he can't say no. I've been doing some more jobs... sure I have to drive far and I only get paid the minimum pretty much but I am trying. I woke up this morning and I tried making a call and well there you go my phone was disconnected again. I am sure I can receive calls and texts but I can't make them. It sucks because they don't even give me the whole month they just disconnect it 2 days after the bills is due. It's so hard and I konw I eventually get it back on but this is the 4th fuckin month. So it's $15 reconnection fee... that's a total of $60 bucks extra that I have to pay. I just paid $105 last month... They cut my phone for $68 and now my phone is at $183.03 once again. I don't know what I am going to do... Everything seems as it's tighter this month... It's Danny's birthdday tomorrow and I can't give him anything... I wish I can make him a lunch thing... Family that went to mexico are coming on saturday for a little time and I can't cook... we have nothing. I am stuck between walls and i can't scream... I can't do anything. I can't ask my parents... mom isn't working dad is laid off and worried about the rent. We already planned no Christmas this year so we're not worried about it but Danny is starting to grasp the concept of christmas on TV and it's hard to explain why we have no lights, no christmas tree...  We don't even have a dryer anymore it broke and it's too cold to dry clothes outside...

it's so hard to believe that it has already been a week. I just remember the days that led to Grandpa's death went so slow and now the time is flying... it's hard to realize that. His body should be arriving in Mexico tomorrow... they will do the same services we had for him here but this time he will be put to rest in his home town. Some of my aunts, uncles, cousins and my sis will be leaving at 4am tomorrow to catch a plane in TJ and go to Temastian, Jal... I sure wish I could have gone but you know timing is never good...

It's Danny's birthday on wednesday and well it's his birthday and it's not going to be much of a celebration. We can't afford anything. And. my mom want to put the little lights for christmas but I don't really want to  ...the sucky thing is that Danny is starting to realize how holidays work and stuff and I know this year wont be anything. It's not like it ever is but this has been a harder year... we're not celebrating this year. We can't!

My dad will also be heading to TJ tomorrow but only to go to a doctor... his Compadre recommended and so he is taking him. My dad has been ill for far toio long and it was time...

wow... I woke up so late... it was almost 11am... actually the funny thign was my mom woke me up on my phone because she wanted me to late my dad to some health fair in Rancho. I ended up going with my dad, Danny, and my 2 brothers. It was alright. We had a glucose blood test done and we all got Flu shot except Danny and now my arm is sore. Well grandpa had his services yestrday and the place was full. It was an open castet and well it was very sad and they fixed him up really nice... The way grandpa looked the last few days before and on the day he died... would have made more people cry. All my uncles from here all went except one and nobody understands why? It was a nice service but I was recording for my aunt... Sigh

So when we were on our way to my aunt's house to pray... my mom received a call and it was one of the people she truly considers a friend, Nico. And I guess there were issues with her marriage so that's that and well she is selling Tamales to make some little income. I asked my mom who it was and when she told me I said yes. I wanted some... well not only so I love them but since it was her... I like to help out because she took care of us when we were little and we can't forget that she taught my mom how to cook as well.  Well either way we told her we would call her back because we were about to pray. Well we were in there and when we got out we were all tired and it was 9pm. We were determined that we were going to come home and sleep but we decided we wanted to pay her a small visit get some tamales to help her out and come back home. So we were on 6th and Grove and I was a little confused of where I was until I remembered that 6th take me to montclair so I went down the street so then I turn on my phone navigator to lead me to her street well it was doing a good job and I was going ... it had me go through Holt and I was driving down the street and then I see protesters "No a los Retenes" and I was a little confused until I see a huge light say have youro lisense ready, registration and insurance... it was a check point and for some reason I am always a little eerie of them and never go through them so I turned around. I have always had the luck to have enough time to turn back around. So I went down Ramona and into the  60 Freeway. I get off on Garey and turned on Franklin her street... well we saw a parked car in front of her house and we thought she had visitors but her lights were off so we didn't think much of it... we turned into the street passing her house so we can turn back and park... That car looked empty and so I pull right in front of it and then start backing up to park right in front since they can back up I didn't mind getting inches close to the car but then I see there was 2 men in the car and I thought it was weird because they weren't visible until then. I keep backing up next to the dark brown/ gray looking Wagon and I see then looking at her house and then looking at my mom's truck as it gets closer well all of a sudden I see a form a panic expression but they sped off as I got nearer. And I though why did they leave and felt weird but then I told my mom there was 2 men in there and she asked if in the car and I told her yes and at that moment they left and I just point for her to see but it was a little far. They had the lights off so I told my mom to car her so she was awake and we would go in really quick. My mom mentioned that she left a strong negative energy come from the speeding car... They come and open the gate and we asked if they knew about the car... They said it had been there for over an hour even as her 22 year old son came into the house they had been posted... Weird! I told them if they are ever suspicious call the cops... better be safe than sorry. But until now that car still worries me. She needs to be very care. I don't know why they ran... maybe because it was a dark black 4-runner looking car... were they scared... were they going to do something bad and we messed up their plan... We dont' know but I think it was a good thing we went over at the time we did...
Anyways, so then we go in and I was in her kitchen and she asks me, " ( It translate to are you craving sopes or in better way would you like some sopes)Se te antojan los sopes" and I looked at her weird immediately remembering when I was pregnant and went to her house because I was craving her sopes and I was going to tell her but I didn't have the guts to. So I told her no thank Danny is enough and no I am not pregnant again... which was a weird response... she scared me. I don't know why. So her son then asked me well that weird... so you don't want any?  I said Any what? Sopes... I was like she has some? He replied yes... so I was confused and finaly did get some but since I was just expecting the tamales... It was so weird... I was being defensive and standoffish... it was weird... But we had a good night right there... and right as we start leaving their house there i a shit load of cops every where... they are stopping people left right... and even as we were leaving there were just 3 cops there ... She does live in a bit isolated spot next to the cementary but it's a big street so I don't know... we yeah. Anyways I have to stat doing my hair now because otherwise I am never going to finish it alll...

right now I just feel like I just want a truck to run over me and I don't care... I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I just want to rest forever. My left kidney hurts and it bugging me... I am not thirsty and I am not hungry... I just don't have an appetite and I just feel a little weak... my eyes just want to sleep and sleep but I can't. Sadly... I haven't even had time to take a shower since either monday night or tuesday morning...frankly I don't remember. I know it's kind of gross but fuck it... life sometimes just happens to be like that. It's like I want to dress up and look nice but I just don't have time. These past 2 days I've been going to Lake Elsinore and doing a little bit of work through a person's house and I leave in the morning and come back in time to go to my aunt's house. I have no me time... or anything. I haven't really watched tv these last few days... Everything irritates me... and I know I am just snapping at people or I think so... but I don't know what i have. I'm just annoyed at every little thing. You know something that does worry me thogh is everybody that are going to go take my grandpa's body next. It makes me really sad that my sis is going to be in Mexico for Danny's b-day but oh well... I am sure they will all be back on friday night... saturday.... I don't know. I know right now we can't afford anything but still...

well sometimes things happen

Well, just as we thought that some things just are low and tight... Well I think my dad just got laid off... and the stupid thing is that he got hurt while working... I am actually really fucking mad about this. So Mad I can't even think straight. This only means it's time... I guess I have been doing jobs and  I get paid good at what I do but since there is always necessities... I would never save it up like in a pay check where they hold it and it accumulates. I don't know what to do.... I feel like this happening and my grandpa dying is really going to mess up with my dad... I have a feeling he's going to be depressed again and I don't like it when it's like that... I just want to scream... yeah, thanks life... kick him while he is even lower.... oh yeah and FUCK YOU!!

sigh...tired going to bed...
long day today and it's going to be a long day tomorrow...
work in Lake Elsinore...

Services are this Saturday December 6, 2008
Simpson Family Mortuary
1557 W. Baseline St.
San Bernardino, Ca 92411

5:00-5:30pm only family viewing
5:30-6:00pm all is welcomed
6:00pm -7:00pm Rosary
7:00-8:00pm Mass
8:00-9:00 Good-byes

SO I still haven't figured out what I am going to do... I still don't know what I want to say or need to say. We're having a rosary for my grandpa's death today. But, there is no surprised there because everytime we would go we would pray with him or for him.. I don't know. There is a lot on my mind but there is nothing that comes out. When he died I went blank. My mom told me and I teared up but I didn't cry. When I went over I cried very minimal. I did get to see him and well I prayed and gave thanks for relieving him of his pain. It was hard but I felt thankful and very peaceful...I don't know but we're leaving soon!

So I went and worked with the RSD and made phone calls and business.... maybe he's checking out to be his secretary but that would be great if it is and if not this part time it's ok...

a hard evening for all

Grandpa died at around 8:20-8:30pm last night December 1, 2008...
that is all for now...

So I am going to take a shower so I can go see my grandpa... : ,(

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

I was thankful that we had a nice Thankgiving with family at my aunt's house. We all got to spent time together and spent it with grnadpa. I was thankful Grandpa was still with us and that he was able to see all his children just as he had wanted...

  
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If the internet weren't around, what would you do with your time instead?

Wow, so if there was no internet I am sure I wouldn't be in contact with family, I wouldn't be involved with current events... What would I be doing? I think I would probably be more productive.  I would probably be out and about and enjoying the outdoors a little more...

  
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So, today there is just another day with  a lot of thoughts. Last night I found out Mabel's car wasn't turning on so I didn't hesitate to let her borrow mine. I know that even though I need it she needs it more besides it's difficult enough loosing the house and not exactly knowing where to go. And, I can't imagine how Art sr. feels. It's the last day they have an opportunity to be and it's his birthday. I am sure this is one rough one but although there are bumps I am sure he'll be fine but then again I am hoping that he will be.

I guess for sure we need to go see grandpa. I don't know but I was a little hesitant to go the last couple of days. I know I should have gone but I am weak. I have always been too weak with my heart and emotions... I guess that is my strongest weakness. It's not easy getting in to my feeling anymore but it is... My mom talked to my Aunt Maria today and I guess the nurse from last night said that he had minutes left. As far as we know we're unsure ... I don't know what to think... and  there is nothing i can do.

What I have realized through many experiences in life is that I now like only what can be manipulated... what can be controlled in a matter of speaking... sure I like spontaneous, I like not knowing what is going to happen but just as I like that I like to control certain times in it's moments and frankly lately there is nothing to be controlled. Everything is uncontrollable... well except a few things which in a matter of speaking I am controlling. I know this seems like jibberish but it sure makes me feel good or not I don't know what I am saying...hahaha... I think I am going crazy...

oh, One thing I think I am actually happy is that I have changed a lot in a year. At least I am not as vulnerable as I was... too much has happened in these last 2 years but this last year has changed my life the most... I think it has been the saddest yet the happiest year of my life...
In lamest terms I guess you can say... I let go of all negativity.. my life is positive although many times it feels that it's down the shit hole....

So I woke up with my whole body aching... my mouth felt like I bit it... That wisdom tooth is really killing me now... I am so tired... Food is not doing me well... Yesterday I barely ate and I was hungry so I tried to eat and after a few minutes there I was in the restroom... my tummy was upset... everything sucks....

Well here I am writing as I should be cleaning or something... maybe even eating because I haven't seen yesterday before I went to teach my lesson. I don't understand but there are so many things on my mind and at the same time there's nothing there. It's bugging me out a little. Well actually I lied... I woke up a little tired today because the irritation in my gum because I have wisdom tooth coming out and the third corner is popping out so I am sure that's why. Today feels like any other day... but at the same time it's not. It's hard to explain all this jibberish. I almost feel as though I am expecting something but what would I be expecting. Although for sure I know I need to go visit my grandpa later to see how he's doing. I know his state isn't going to change but being with family helps a lot. My parents left to Ridgecrest but they'll be back... They always haver the idea that they will find a nice place to live there and originally they wanted me to go with them today but since everything that has happened we decided not to. And besides in reality I didn't want to go ... well enough... I am going to find something to do and maybe if I I have to i'll write later... today or tomorrow because there is something else on my mind...hehehe

man oh man

Man oh man did I wake up with a tummy ache. The food was delicious but wow. I feel awake though but I've been up for a few hours since I went to sleep at 3:30am. I woke up and turned up the TV... I guess we have HBO? Which we shouldn't but I don't know I just hope we don't get charged even more... a few days ago they were blocked and yesterday they were on. I mean I put the security code and parental lock on the main one and no one knows my password. It's funny because I have never trusted but anyways that concerns me a bit. But so Danny and I woke up and he tells me,"Mom I'm sickies" and at the moment I had to go to restroom again...ugh...so we went and my stomach just felt so empty and I all of a sudden became really hungry so I went to throw away the bathroom trash and I saw the little oranges we bought in Sam's club the other day. I took the oranges and Danny and I ate oranges for breakfast while watching Live Free of Die Hard. Now...hahaha I started watching Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo DiCaprio but I am not in the mood for it so I don't know . Right now I am kind of bored and just thinking about stuff... I have come to realize that I have some instincts like my Tia Angelica has because she has the same one I do... It's weird but I'm just thinking about our conversation we had last night. She probably has the same feeling and connection with others that I have as well... 

So today was a pretty nice thanksgiving... We went to my Tia Angelica's house. Although it was like any other day since we go and spend time with my grandpa. Although, of course, we don't mind because we're thankful for him: his courage, faith, and strong-will to live. I went in and spent some time in there with grandpa and my grandma was in there. Tia asked me to take his temperature so I did, it was 99.6... so then grandma is so tired she is always falling asleep but she refuses to sleep. We tell her we need her to be strong and rest. The interesting part was that he finally listened to us. She actually went to sleep. My tia Angelica told me that weird she listened but I am glad she did. Before that we had grandpa watching a little bit of the India Maria but he fell asleep. It's so sad though because he is so weak that he wont even close his eyes all the way anymore. He's not even resting completely anymore. My aunt then said that she was going to go to a CVS pharmacy and I asked if I could go with her. She said yea. But then, my dad was telling  me he was tired adn wanted to go home but I has already said I was going to go and wasn't going to back down. So then they all asked me to call the Pharmacy to see if it's still open although it's a 24 hour store but to be on the safe side since it was thankgiving, So I called with the 411 and then a man answered and I asked if they were going to be opened since it was thankgiving and the man then said, "well then we close in 20 minutes" (sarcastically) and of course being a gullible person or not knowing what to expect I said, "really?" and he said no i am just playing we're open 24 hours. And I said thank you an hung up. We headed out. My aunt angelica then started talking to me about my grandpa. she told me that she had a dream which he says she has and are pretty accurate. She mentioned how in these last few days she was so worried about why my grandpa kept leaving and almost transitioning to paradise and then coming out of his deep sleep. She siad that they have been asking him is there is someting he needs to say or if he needs anyone. Well He has gotten to see the last few people he needed to see and my aunt says that when she asks him he says he has something but he can't say. And for a while it ws tormenting her but he always asked God to let her knwo what her dad wanted to say so she feels the relieve and my grandpa feels it too without having to say it. Well she said that in the morning she decided to take a nap before the nurse left so she fell asleep around 7am and she had a dream just as if she was talking to my grandpa.  She said that in her dream she went to him and asked him if he needed to say something and he asked, "que dia es?" and she said it was thursday and then he said that he had one more day left. She said that in the dream he had his escapulario and St Carmelo says that for those who wait until saturday and are ture believers heaven awaits . My aunt told me that when she woke up she felt this understaning peace within. She felt that what she has done is good and if he leaves on saturday she'll thank God for giving her the opportunity to have him there. Also it would give her peace he didn't feel anymore pain. She said that after that she felt no more tears. My aunt says that because her  other siblings are there she rest some because she knows she has the time to spend with her father and they haven't. Some are trying to make time... while the boys... try not to go in... as much they may love him the guilt drives them away a little.  I understand what she is saying... it's true and she wsa been very fotunate to have them there but I am sure it was very hard for her too. She is the baby of the family and has a lot of responsibilty and hardly any help.  Tia and I had some pretty good talks and I think we even became a little closer. I feel peace in my heart as well :)

So my mom and I went to the store to pick up pies and we headed to Tia's to drop them off and see grandpa. When we got there my tias said that he only woke up in the morning and then fell back asleep and he had been sleeping. seeing him there just sleeping made me anxious. I wanted to be there but I felt like a bad person for wanting to leave at the same time. I didn't know what to do... It's just a depressing mood and I wan very tired but then again I can't imagine how my aunts feel. They have been up every night and every second making sure they regulate his fever so it doesn't go up. At this point I admire them deeply. Well we have been there with grandpa and Tia Librada and I read a passage in the Bible... The Passion of Christ and then we were told to go eat dinner and I was happy because I hadn't eaten. Well we were just there and we got the annoucement that my grandpa had awaken for the 2nd time today which was improvement from the day before. So we went to go see him. We all staggered into the room. My mom and I were getting ready to leave but since this happened we decided to pray a rosary. I led the rosary and there were a few interruptions. Like my aunt from Mexico call (tia rosa) but good thing because he was awake. So I kept praying after he finished then my grandpa started coughing and he threw up which was flem... which was good because his body was rejecting the infection in his lungs. I stopped for a little bit and then I was instructed to continue so I did... I felt bad but then again this was for him as well.We finished and we hung around for a few minutes and then I went in and said good bye to everybody. I kiss grandpa good night and told him we would be back tomorrow which is now today ... We're all going to go there for Thanksgiving and give thanks through these hard times...

My dad yesterday had a talk with my grandpa by himself. And when my grandpa woke up today he asked for my dad. Since my dad is a very quiet person he tends to keep a lot to himself. But my mom told me that my grandpa told him he saw the other side (Heaven) and he needed to see him. I know my dad went but I don't know what else my grandpa said but since I will be going over a little later hopefully some one was there. My aunts tell me everything. I guess I somehow have this strong connection to all my family. Sometimes to me it seems a little more than others. I dont' understand it but maybe someday I will.

Well today seems like a better day yet still a little unsure but My grandpa woke up today. So so far, it's a good start. Yesterday everybody was worried it was going to be his last hours with us but only God knows. Either way he has his eyes open and he is talking. Although, my aunt told my mom that he didn't recognize but hopefully he will recognize later on. My dad didn't have work today so he just left to go see his dad. Last night we were all talking to him and hopefully he listened to us and he awoke expecting us there. I know my dad had a private talk with him which he usually doesn't because he is so reserved but it never hurts in any way. Last night as I was leaving I gave him a good night kiss since we always kiss to leave and he was so cold... but I had to give him a kiss good and give him a message also. I whispered in his ear that he was going to be ok and that my cousin Vicky says she loves him. Seeing him just laying in him bed without response was tormentingly sad and I know especially for my grandma since she is still sleeping in the same room. My grandma at 75 has to be strong. I remember when my other grandpa died in 1993 and my mom went to mexico for everything. My mom brought my grandma so she wouldn't be reminded every second of the sadness and loneliness she would feel at her house. And I know if anything happens to my grandpa now my grandma would have to move around a little so she wouldn't just be thinking a lot. And she told me yesterday she would come to my house for a while for the same reason. She knows that she is going to have to leave my aunt's house for a while because she is going to remember too much. *Sigh* Well I am going to go see him tomorrow and hopefully he will be full of life like he was on monday night. He was probably very tired from monday and he needed a long rest. My aunts had said that he had fullfilled everythingi he had asked for and that's why he wasn't waking up yesterday. First he needed to see all my aunts and uncles that were here in the states which all came except 2 from Mexico. And also he had asked about his oldest grand kids because there for a few bad things that has separated the family. Those cousins came  Sunday and Moday and again another of his wishes fullfilled. There were just a few things that needed to be finished so he would be satisfied. I just pray that he has the strength for tomorrow so we can give thanks and if anything be all together as family on what may be his last thanksgiving.

I know probably nobody or a few people may know but my Grandpa Liborio is really ill... Apparently he was diagnosed with cancer about 7 years ago but some of us just found out in the last year because he was being hospitalized but we were told why. Yesterday we went to see him because he had gotten really sick over night and in the morning he didn't know anybody but luckily for us by the time we went he was doing a lot better. He was joking around and asking my aunt to give him whisky... which just meant his drink. He was drinking orange juice and water. His humor for his condition was great... he had us laughing and even though we were all sad we had fun. But I guess last time around 11pm when he fell asleep well he fell asleep and until right now has not woken up. We went to see him today as well and he is just in a deep sleep. He is breathing hard and well my aunts and uncle keep wetting his mouth so it wont dry. But today he had no more food intake or even liquids. They wont even put the IV on him because it would only hurt him, I guess. My aunt told me his Kidneys have given out and is lungs are weak. She told me it's a few hours until he passes... but they are unsure. we just keep praying in his name that if he does pass... may he be in God's glory!

At this point we just don't want him to suffer anymore. He is in a lot of pain but I guess that is why the Lord may have put him in this deep sleep. To rest and relax. Like my uncle said ... If I was in this type of pain I would prefer to die. We all feel extremely down but the pain and change his body is rapidly going through is not fair. It was so hard being in the room with him without that tear escaping through my eye. I was still trying to avoid it but it's impossible. I don't know how to hold them. Then I see my grandma. She told me I am going to be alone. I am use to that if we go places we always go together. I told her to be strong. That she still has us but she said I know I still have all my kids and grandkids but I am going to be lonely without him. The positive thing she said was that after everything she would come and stay with us for a while. I was trying to get my grandparent to come to my house in the end of july. They wanted to come and see my mom on july 26... the day after she came out  of the hospital after her accident but my grandpa had a doctor's appointment friday and well since then they told him that he shouldn't go places anymore. They didn't have the opportunity to come anymore after that so we started to go and visit a little. I guess since then things have been down the hill... We've all had our lows and then even lower lows and we're just hoping that we don't hit too hard at rock bottom. I just hope grandma keeps her head up. I'm tired i'll write again later... sigh...

I want to go and then again I don't. So my mom and I discussed once more the dream I have always had to go from California. But instead of it being my choice she really wants me to go and I don't understand the sudden change of heart. Like she told me when I was pregnant. She said that when I graduated from high school she wanted me to go to school out of state. And I guess in a way things would have happened differently if I had but that doesn't matter now anyways. It's just what she told me. She is really encouraging me to go with my cousin out of state. She started telling my sister even before I made any decisions. I am stuck in a way. Should I go or should I stay. If I go that means I am going to leave my son behind. If I go I might have an opportunity to a job and a new life. I don't know what I want. I have great things here but sometimes I wonder if I can have better which I know I can but then again sometimes I wonder if I really want to... Should I go or should I stay...

Right now I just feel weak about everything. I don't know why I am crying... maybe just like my cousin told me that he is a realist... I told him I was too but the only difference was that I had too much estrogen so emotions would get the best of me. And he says, "I'm sorry."  I don't want to cry but I don't know what to do. I cannot control this. I can't control everything. I have learned that the unexpected that I can't control freaks me out. I need something to work with or mold into something. It sucks when you know that a family member is going to pass away and all you have to do is wait. It's not fair for them. The thing is also that we can't blame God for wanting ti take away the pain and take them into his Glory. We should rejoice that they will not feel pain after that but instead we make th etransition hard and we cry.When I am there with him in the room all I could do is try and smile when he looks at me and then I see his pale face and his attempts to stay awake and aware  just makes me cry and tear up. I dry them away but they just keep rolling down my cheeks without control. I turn my head up and breath. I'm ok for a minute then I just want to  go scream just as my aunt Angelica did Saturday but I can't. I want to scream, I want cry outloud. I want to do something but I can't... there is nothing to do. All we can do is pray and hope for God's blessing and forgiveness... I don't knwo but I'm going to pray a rosary for them and then we'll see...

Cancer
by My Chemical Romance

Turn away,
If you could get me a drink
Of water 'cause my lips are
chapped and faded
Call my aunt Marie
Help her gather all my things
And bury me in all my favorite colors
My sisters and my brothers, still
I will not kiss you,
'Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you.

Now turn away,
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/aht ]
'Cause I'm awful just to see
'Cause all my hair's
abandoned all my body,
Oh my agony
Know that I will never marry,
Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo
But counting down the days to go.
It just ain't livin'.
And I just hope you know
That if you say
Good-bye today
I'd ask you to be true
'Cause the hardest part of this
is leaving you...

'Cause the hardest part of this
is leaving you...

Tia Angelica's house

Well we just came back from visiting my grandpa. He isn't doing very well.He looks so pale... We ask him how he feels and he says that he feels fine but we all know the pain he is in. It's so sad to stay there sometimes that we can't contain our tears at least I can't at times. For moments I think I can be ok but there are time that I just can't hold them in. Poor thing he can't even get out of bed anymore, he has to constantly be drinking liquids because his mouth gets dry. I spent most of my time in there in the room. The one thing that he dies good in is keep his humor. I think that is what has kept him with us for this long. I guess he has been fighting with this cancer for 7 years. Well it was detected then but after all those operations and chemo therapies I guess everything that was able to be done was but it's too late now. The colon cancer was spread through his body and now his insides are going crazy creating new sicknesses and since there is nothing to be done they can only put him on oxygen and up the morphine every time he feels pain.

Today I got  to see 2 cousins I hadn't seen in ages. Well I saw my cousin hector about 8 years when my grandma and grandpa had their 50th wedding anniversary but I hadn't spoken to them really since I was a ittle girl. A lot of shit happened in the family and well like many families there was hatred and chaos... and lack of family unity and the pointing of the finger. Well when I saw my 2 cousins at first I still felt that they were upset but I never really knew what happened. I know my uncle had left their mom but we didn't had any fault. My cousin, he, is about 10 years older than me and she is 9 years but there is one more Evelia.... I am not sure but they are the eldest from the cousins in my dad side of the family. I know my grndpa hadn't seen him in years also well because of the distancing... When my grandpa finally asked my cousin who he was from he said from my tio Lupe and my grandpa looked a little worried or concerned. I know he paused for a good minute but who knows what he was thinking. Then my grandpa finally asks if he is the one from the marriage. And well my cousin says yes... because my uncle left their mom for some other lady and has another family and kids and grandkids also but without divorcing or marrying the other lady. My grandpa then says I don't understand how this could have happened. We never demonstrated this example... It was one of those things that no one could have said anything.

I got talking to my cousin and I found out that he and were very similar. I know it took a while to loosen him up. I had to find a way to get in... which music was the gateway. He's a composer... writes his own music, loves his guitar... and well loves Art in general. I think that was what got us to start the conversation. he allowed me to hear something he was working and he allowed himself to eat and socialize a little. I know we probably talked for like over an hour and it was nice because we had intelledtual conversations. I found ot that he majored in Japanese when he was in college which is pretty amazing.

I guess sometimes we really just need to get to know the whole family to see why you are who you are. Sometimes I wondered where I fit into the picture but I am starting to see more and more how things are. Although it's quite sad at the circumstances why we are being united  but the fact was that tragic as it is, my grandpa is bringing us together and making us a little more united as we should have been from the beginning. Just as my mom's accident my cousin's mother... although she had had a lot of pain and anger towards the family and my mom she called and made amends with my mom by calling her in the hospital. It's weird how someitmes thinngs happen. They are unexplainable but God finds a way. Like the saying goes, God doesn't close a door without opening a window. I think God is giving us an opportunity to fix things that just couldn't be done without aide.   

I remember the story of the last time my grandpa told me and my sister when we went to visit him right before he was condemmed to bed rest. He told us of the time he was trying to get away from something I think there was a fight or something going on in Mexico so he would have to be enlisted to the military. So I think he was 20 and to be exempt he would have to be 25 so since he still didn't have his birth certificate he went and got one done and well with his he added 5 years to his age so he became 25. He passed the age limit and they let him be. So now, when people ask for his age he says that according to his birth certificate he is 86 but then he says he is actually 81. He was born in July, 1927. He is I believe 4 years older than my grandma but I am going to have to ask again. I am almost sure she is 77...  Can't believe they have been together for 58 years now. I just see my grandma suffer so much. They have been through so much and this will be the last thing they fight through together as husband and wife. My aunt Angelica, she is the youngest of their kids and the one taking care of both of them, that my grandpa worries so much about her. It just brings tears to my eyes. After so many years they have truly become one.

So. . .

24 was awesome. . . I thought. I enjoyed the 2 hours and can't belief the season will be on dvd on tuesday well that's what i saw on the tv. . . Exciting. . .

24

I can't believe it's finally on. I've been waiting for 24 for over a year since it was suppose to come out last year and it was canceled because of the writer strike. Well so far it's the begining but we'll see by the end of the 2 hours but i'm excited. :)