Monday, August 31, 2009
NO way out...
Sometimes I wonder and wonder and wonder... What if this ... what if that... If something wouldn't have happened like 4 years ago... I know I wouldn't have such a precious baby... but you know what I would have ... I would have freedom.... I would be out of here... I would have never came back... I would just have disappeared... I know the only reason I had to be back is because the school wouldn't allow me to be there living on campus... The day I went back the crap started at home... So then I was pressured into regardless of what I felt to go live on campus but I said no and continued to suffer... that was the beginning of the end... and I knew it...the criticism... the pain... not only for me but for my child... I would still have some connections but I would have no bind... I would be traveling with friends... and visiting family... I would have never stopped working and the money flow would have been better... I wouldn't be here struggling doing everything "mother" says.... I now take her to every meeting she wants, I take sometimes twice a day and to buy stuff.... I have to do it all... now let's say that I am tired... well then I am an ingrate and NEVER help her... I am a mother fucking slave at my house.... I am a fucking INGRATE... Yeah, that I am... now she tells me you should go work at McD's... yeah the fuck right... she wants me to bring income because my dad wont get her any... because my sis works and she wont give her any... the logic is... Take and take and take and use and ask... and then I tell her ... I am going to teach you to drive... oh I can't... I just want her to be self sufficient so I can do my own fucking crap... I am trapped with no way out... it's all my fault... I have some cuts ... well not more like old scars.... and my son's dad once said you're crazy... you have suicidal tenancies... you just want attention... I don't think I just want or crave attention... I need it... I don't have any... I am alone... I feel trapped within these walls... with no escape... I am like a fucking stupid bird...they let me out of the cage for a little and I always fucking seem to come back... why? I should just go out and make my life... but with no jobs in the market... I am a stupid statistic... A Mexican single mother with a useless college degree... she doesnt work, she doesn't even enjoy life, doesn't go out, doesn't spent time with friends, much less can't even go out for a drink... I just need to get drunk and stay out ... I just need some freedoms... and why don't I have anything...Why? WHY?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
licorice or lipstick
Thursday I receive a phone call from this guy. He asks if I have styling gel. So I have my mom check her inventory and she says yes. So I gladly say we do. Then he asks how much is it and I give him the price and then he says ok. And then I ask him where he lives... I don't know but I thought it would be a great idea to drop it off and get time off from the home. He gives me his address but I have such a hard time understanding him. His accent was so thick and strong I almost literally could not understand a single thing he was saying not even when he was trying to spell out the words. I thought he was going to be an Indian customer I have. SoI finally get the address... and was relieved... and then he tells me... I want 6... so I ask my mom do we have 6 and of course we were lucky enough to only have 1... boo. So originally we were going to go get product and then I would go turn it in... well at the end... we didn't know... I went by my self... I knew it was friday and it was going to be rush hour and God knows Danny could barely stand being in a car when it's going at 70; we wouldhave to bare the yelling and screaming... through traffic. No way. I go get the product in Santa Fe Springs and then head off to turn in the product in corona... So when I got there... I had forgotten that it was an Apartment Complex... I didn't' have the name of it... iit was confusing and traffic doesn't allow to look and see if this one might be it... I called him because I felt lost... and no help thank strong accent... so then I call again and ask for the name... finally! He had to repeat it so many times... I couldn't understand... btu I went into a complex... and was driving through the parking and well lucky I saw the name... River Run.... and he had also said that he was going to go meet me in the parking lot... good... So I park and get off of the car.... there was an older asian guy eating red licorice... I shale his hand and he wanted to do the shake and kiss... but we only did the shake so he says, " Never would I have imagined such a beautiful young lady" and that's when I noticed he was wearing reddish pink lipstick... it was rubbing off... noit wasn't the licorice... because it doesn't leave you looking like that So he couldn't get off at how supposedly pretty I was.... so I gavehim his stuff and he gave me the money... So I proceeded to end the convo and say good bye... I shook his hand and he went for the kiss again... The thing was that he wanted to kiss me inmy lips... yeah... my lips so I gave him a small kiss in his cheek and said good bye... As I was walking around my car... he still said... I ccan't believe how beautiful you are... I am going too dream about you tonight... So flattered as I was said thanks... and he told me to be careful and all this stuff... So I said thank you once again and left... he was staring at me leave like if he had lost something precious go away... I know I am exagerating but that is the way he saw my car leave.... lol.... Man was I glad that was over quick and that he came out to the parking lot instead of me going to his house... I need to start taking a buddy or something... lol... but that was something.....
Thursday, August 27, 2009
When was the first moment you discovered love?
That is a funny one... when my heart was broken for the first time... 2 months after a relationship was initiated... I think that was first moment I realized at the moment that I never wanted it to end... it was 2 days after my birthday... I had just turned 17...
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
If you could eat one food every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?
I know tastes vary a lot and there are other things that I would each everyday... but the truth is that if I do eat the others every day... I can imagine what I would life like in 20-30 years... so one thing that I like and if anything I know I would get the least tired of is... chicken salad... I kind of want some right now...
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
Ramdom...weird and funny?
Ok, I still do not know what happened... but this was totally random which I am still confused and mixed emotions about... not negative excited, happy, curious, yet held back... This is not a stranger. I went to high school with this person but he wasn't exactly in my group of friends per say... let's just say that when he went to high school I was barely allowed to even talk to my friends yet alone other kids.... I am going to leave everything as it was said... well there you go... One thing I forgot to mention that might be very important is that this is not the same guy from the other post. This is completely different person and hadn't spoken to him in forever...
Himhola
MEhello
what u up to?
ME
nothing much.... I'm online... and you?
i suppose im online as well. lol
how have you been?
ME
I've been good... thinking about starting to practice again... you?
eh just working on some stuff
ME
where do you work?
i run a design frim with me and three other designers and a photo event thing
ME
The magic of interenet, huh? It's been years... how many years ago did you graduate from KHS?
oh really... wow... that is awesome!
i graduated hmm 3 years ago
ME
oh wow... not too llong ago...
I graduated from Redlands 2 years ago... going on 3
im graduating from my school next month
ME
cool, what school...
its an art school
art institute
ME
oh cook
cool
lol i was like cook?
ME
when did you decide you decide you want to do Art
hahaha...
Yeah small typo...;p;
hmm seniior year
ME
that's cool ... what about music?
yea music is still important but i do alot of producing for videos and stuff like that
ME
oh wow... that is coolk
some what i guess lol
ME
Not many people go into the whole Art
thing...
But you still play some then... in a band or you just practice
a bit of both
ME
When you play with the band... you guys have gigs?
not so much anymore cus im starting a clothing line and its taking up alot of my time
ME
yeah, I bet...
what kind of clothes are you working on
its like street wear meets high fashion lol
ME
oh really... that sounds like a good idea
hopefully lol
ME
there are so many styles out there... are you focusing on one specifically?
yea im staying in one market
ME
what styles are you redesigning?
wait im not following?
ME
Since there are so many styles out in the market... what kind of style is the "street wear meets high fashion" what is it suppose to look like
eek! i wil lshow you examples later I gotta run real quick but ill ttyl! ok!
ME
ok
It was real nice talkin g to you
indeed
ME
:)
take care
[That was the first conversation we had earlier in the day which you know was just catching up. Yeah, how're you doing and blah blah blah... but he is nice and funny. I mean talking about designing his own clothes line, that pretty awesome. I just a catch up convo and that was it.
Okay, so this next convo I am probably going to be writing along the text but to begin there is a place where I ask "what do you mean back end?" it's because he had written a comment on my status or something and he wanted to know the back code to how a my webpage program was written. CS termonology I guess... All I knew was a little of c++ and sometimes I don't know how I passed it... hahaha but I loved it though]
hola
ME
hello
ME
what do you mean back end?
oh like the code
i need to see what the structure of the code is so i can figure out what it is i can do to improve it
ME
oh... I have no clue what code they used...
I can give you my password but I don't know if that helps any because they have their own CS people who deal with
yea i doubt i would be able to get into the code or anything.
so what are you up to?
ME
yeah, I doubt it too...
watching TV with my mom, you ?
just looking at some audio stuff on amazon.
do you still live in fontana?
ME
what kind of audio stuff...
yea I still live in same ol' fontaana
lol me too
umm
like microphones and midi controllers and stuff
Me
oh that's cool... what are you planning on doing with that stuff...
for recording?
yea kind of. im gonna make a bunch of tutorial videos to show people how to edit photos and stuff in different ways
ME
oh that will be cool
I need that info...lol
lol do you edit photos?
11:31pmReyna
a little they don't work out how I wish I look make them look
I use a little of photobucket
oh ok i c
ME
yeah... but in even that I don't get how to do much
lol well i can teach you!
ME
that would be nice...
I do have a question though... what made you want to talk to me today...
just asking
hmm idk. we never really talked as much in high school and i think that was lame cus high school was just like that like you only talk to your friends you know? and you always seemed so nice and everything you know?
ME
yeah, that was true... high school was kind of lame... and sadly I hardly talked to my friends too... times were a little hard them
yea indeed
ME
And thanks for thinking I was nice... I would try a little and it was hard having a controlling person in my back
lol
I am greatful I didn't loose them either
yea true. its kind of funny to think that the people we choose to be friends with when we are young kind of play a major factor in the way our lives end up? lol
ME
that is true...
well I thank all my friends... they're so smart
I admire every single one of them
thats good
i cant remember a time outside of band that me and you or anyone else for that matter ever hung out? lol
ME
yeah that is true...lol
life was band back them... we we mostly lived in school though
lol true
ME
I don't think I enjoyed time until when I went to College and even then it took a while 'til it all stopped
but things are good now right?
ME
yeah, they are...
:)
good!
ME
there are the ocassional up and downs but everybody has them ... :)
true. just cant let them keep you down
ME
that is true... and that is one of the life challenges to meet... to conquer all the biggest downs
well its like they say when things are bad they could always get worse lol
ME
lol, yeah... my life and that of Art's wife... we're real good friends...
lol is that so? that sounds like a tv show
ME
you have no idea how our lives are...
you did know I had one of his kids...?
yea i remember that
ME
well he had another with her ... 4 months and 10 days later...
eek
ME
put that whole drama together... we sure can write a huge book
more dramatic than Reba
lol
ME
Have you seen the show Rebaa?
i think iv seen it once or twice
ME
well a little similar... if you ever see again... well think real life... lol
but we're ok... I think we make our life easier because the kids play...
Today
ME
One day I will I will write a book
It's going to have fun writing it... but it will be tough on all... including myself
very true! well you should include atleast paragraph of our chats on facebook lol
ME
lol
I guess I will have to include something... or something about this kid playing trombone...
lol perhaps but thats not interesting enough! so you will have to spice it up and say we had a wild fling or something of that sort lol
[That was where his little comment caught me off guard but it was weird. He wanted to be in my story... not only because we're having a convo but it's obvious that he has been thinking about something... ]
Me
hahaha...
well then it wouldn't be a memoir...
well if you insist on the wild fling happening i suppose im game lol
then atleast you wouldnt be lieing
[And then I wouldn't be lying... lol it would be a memmoirs and it would be a true book frommy diary... would that make the story better? lol]
ME
lol ... it would be 99 % ght
lol
*right
You're funny
well thank you
well now if we dont have the fling you can atleast write that i was funny
but the fling sounds funner!
ME
l [ was trying to write "lol" but his comment interrupted]
lol
ME
lol
You're right... you're very funny
And I guess higgh school did make it hard to have this sort of communication
yea. yea it did
12:06amReyna
type of friends in high school sort of select you at the time... it's strange...
yea its almost like know one has a say in who there friends are you know?
ME
that is true...
it's weird how once you get out... everybody can have more of a connection...
yea which brings me to the point of how high school is very much like prison lol
ME
like sports people actually are willing to talk to people because they're not look down apart...lol
it is very much so...
Everybody has to stick to their own or get eaten alive
yup
ok ok enough bashing of high school! lol
back to the fling and the book! lol
better topic!
lol =] [Somehow I figured he would go back to this... he was really interested in this fling... even though he is trying to be subtle in a not so subtle way which may also have been his intention to begin with, right... it was funny, so who cares!]
ME
lol
yeah the book
The book will have a lot of spice and tragedy
which people love
well i wont read it unless im in it! lol
does that sound self involved? lol [No, it doesn't, does it... lol ]
ME
lol
you're funny
ok... I will put you in there
well what is it gonna say!? lol
ME
I'll say we had a fling in high school and unexpectedly cheated on the oh so controoling boyfriend who lost control
lol [Well I was going to say what he wanted me to say... of course and to make things easier I put the time frame of high school knowing that that was not what he really wanted me to put...]
what happened to not lying! lol? [If it's lying then it's not true right...]
ME
lol
well... what's a lil white lie right
I guess for the tragedy and suspense to work
I will have to juice it up a little
i suppose! but like i stated before. lies are fine but the fling is not a bad idea!!
lol =] [There you go... it was stated... Still a little confusing... but the exclamation points...]
ME
lol
ok...
lol is it still afling if we plan it out? lol
i think so? [Plan it out... lol]
ME
lol .... you're so weird... andfunny
lol weird is bad? or? lol
ME
no... it's not bad...
just trying to figure things out... [Mainly if what he is talking about has a reasoning or if he is serious. I don't know if he is joking around and yet is a bit reserved... you know people are weird...I didn't know if people are still like before wanting to have cyber sex and all which I use to do so many years ago and it just got boring....]
such as?
ME
Nothing... lol [I wasn't going to tell him... especiall if I am not sure what we are talking about ]
ohh.. thats no fun! lol
tell me! =] [It's not because he knows I know but I am not sure if he thought I was still a bit unsure... and I didn't want to put it out there and look stupid or get my self into something without being aware]
ME
I though you would think so...
lol think what?
ME
that "that's no fun!"
So tell me ... you have a girlfriend? [So this is where I need to figure out what he is saying]
hmmm not in the traditional sense but yes [Traditional sense? What?]
ME
what do you mean tradition sense?
ME
you artist... always using fluid terms
well like a manogamus sense. what i mean to say is things got real bad with a big disconnect so we are still together just open. it tends to be complicated which is why im not looking for any relationship. which is normally a turn away immediatly with girls but i dont think it should be. i think its just a lack of understanding
ME
yeah, I see
lol
so whats your take?
ME
are you serious... lol [still unsure and I needed to buy a few seconds to think]
wait serious about?
ME
wanting to know my take?
let me think a little...
oh yea
ok
ME
well I think that if a person be with a person witout compltely falling in love them maybe...I think that sometimes some one might end up hurt
some one could end up hurt agreed. but at the same time i think that it is because we get the idea that that is just how things work. you date. you fall in love. and thats it. but the reality of the situation is that is relatively far from how things work out most of the time. so i think it is upon us as individuals to say am i going to believe that this is how things have to be or am i going to take things as they come and not look so far ahead
ME
well you mean to get to know more than one person at a time? And not be exclusive with one until ?
You never want to be exclusive?
no. i mean if things get to the point where you know this is the person you want to be with then great. but how many times have you been in a situation where someone down the line of a relationship has a falling out and then your hurt because you had the thought that he was the one? you know?
ME
well one time... because I only had one relationship in my life...
and you're right...
now think for a second if you went into the relationship with know anticapation. know knowledge of what love is or what it should be? and you didnt think that once your in a relationship then you stay in it. do you think you would have been nearly as hurt?
ME
Well I think if I went back knowing the facts I know now... sadly it would still have the same turn our
out*
sometimes even then... people can get hurt even if they try and not let strong feelings get involved
Maybe I wouldn't have gotten hurt but the otherr person would have...
I don't know... but I know what you mean, though... in theory it makes sense
lol now only if theory would or could be placed in to reality!
ME
yea, everybody's lifewould be easier and the divorce rate wouldn't be as high in the US
well thats all due to the processes i explain to you before about how people are tuned to believe how things should be
ME
exactly... sadly people even have misconceptions of what marriage is also... and that is how they fair miserably within the first 5-7 years
yup. people are always in denial of just how much control they have you know?
ME
yup
ok well i gotta go to sleep. so in the mean time perhaps you will consider all that has been said today and i will speak with you tomorrow?
ME
ok... hope you have a grreat night
you too. oh by the way you can text me when ever you want ok!
909-XXX-XXXX
ME
lol
ok
lol
ME
my num is onmy facebook
house num doesn't work
ttyl
ME
k, good nnight
=]
[Okay, so there you have it... now what am I suppose to think about? Not that I am confused but this is stranged yet I am really intrigued to his whole theory you know.... it's strange but he is right. I don't know the way he spoke just is more powerful than most people I guess it's that he really uses his brain to speak. But, look at that the offer is on the table... I don't know what to do... I guess I will have to sleep on it since I am rather sleepy but I speak to him tomorrrow what would I say... "I'm stuck in between "the real world" and a "theory" ? hmmm...]
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