Parents

I have watched and observed my parents for quite a while. I hear and  hear things and see things. For a long time I've seen them not even want interaction among each other or if there is they have unavoidable bickering... sometimes they try but everyday is the same. All couples fight and I realize that... all marriages have problems and I realize that. Small issues will always arise and in a lower to mid income family there is always going to be monetary problems I realize that too... I think that when my mom had her accident a new perspective came into my dad's life feeling upset and not knowing how he could react if he would have lost my mom. I always hear my mom complain how my dad can't provide enough, he drinks too much... that my dad is depressed since 1999 when he almost lost all his left hand's fingers to a saw accident... to this day he still has problems with sensation in the hand.  Just  recently she started feeling as though he is being unfaithful... she has a feeling but is unsure... which I don't know but felt indifferent because she doesn't know... she doesn't trust him if he is at work or somewhere else... She talks about the months the house went unpaid before they lost it... he went to work every day "supposedly" so where was that money? And if he didn't go to work then where was he? What was he doing and who was he with? He did small jobs and in one instance we know for a fact that he got paid $20,000... how to we know because we know the person he did the work for... where did that money go if there have always been monetary problems... why did they loose the house if he got paid that much? 

Now I was talking to my dad today a little ... and he told me he is getting ready to bail...  he says that he doesn't want to say this but he knows he at least pays the rent... and knows that if he leave we can manage... I asked him where he wants to go and he said that he doesn't know maybe Mexico... I told him about working things out through therapy and he says it's too expensive and their issues can't be fixed... he says that he knows things and can almost confirm them... my mom is a masseuse...I think he thinks he is being unfaithful but she is strict about what she does... He doesn't receive males by themselves and if there has been a rare instance that they just don't have a female... my brother goes in with her... she tries and respects the household because my dad is the jealous type. I know he didn't go into specifics but he pretty much said irreconcilable differences... I can't do or say anything because it would be like picking sides... I don't want to get in between them... Sometimes I wish they would part and go their separate ways but then I don't... they just aren't going to make it without each... well they are...I know they are... but they are going to struggle... the worst part is that I am going to struggle because I am going to pick up more responsibilities than I already have... and I don't want to... for about 4 years I have been wanting to leave and I just can't because of obvious reasons... if this is to happen... i will never be able to make my life happen... I will be stuck with every and their problems and I will never be able to solve my own... my  things are always postponed because of the family.... I wish they would separate once we all the leave the house... I don't want to be stuck with more weight than I can handle... I always have to deal with too much...and I know I will be stuck with it all... I feel like I have an anxiety attack coming up...I am very frustrated...and I can't tell anyone... but my heart is racing... and slowly dying.... It's not because I don't care but for a while my mom has been telling me if Danny, she and I would all leave together...and I tell her no for the same reason....I don't want to deal with her being with me and not being able to do my life... she might help me a little but it will be mostly me and her fighting and having to do what she wants because she wont learn to drive ... and I will never be able to meet guys and much less be able to have privacy.... I don't know what is going to happen... but it seems like it's coming up... Things are always going worse and worse... I don't know... I've been expecting it for a while, I guess. I am so stressed about this... now I am thinking how are the bills going to be paid...  how is the rent going to be paid... That means more doubling in jobs for everyone and including my bros and the sucky thing is that the jobs are scares ... Oh God, please help and illuminate this family full of issues...