too much to process

On top of all the other things I am feeling... I can't help but to think of the last conversation I had with him. I gave him my number... yeah, I know he gave me his but he said he was going to call and hasn't... I feel curious why he hasn't... maybe he wants me to call... but I can't. I don't know what to say... besides... idk... I know I am being a hypocrite ... I said i wasn't really interested... but I am still curious...maybe something has changed after over 4 years... but it couldn't, could it...

I use to be this person so unstable emotionally that getting me to focus took a lot and years... now here I am confused and breaking my self apart at something that doesn't even exist... nor that I really care about. I don't know anything about this person... nothing at all... I hate nothing knowing anything... I hate not knowing what to expect... I hate thinking I sometimes have control and yet I have none... Why can't I be a normal person... why do I always have to be the odd one out of the batch... and by that I meman amongst my friends...I hate seeing people cry... yeah that was drilled into my head... over and over... but more than anything I hate I can't stop my self... I have always created this alter little perfecct world and even there it all falls apart when I can't control the minimum in my outside world...

I am person that would never be noticed if  I am gone... that is how insignificant my little world is. A peck in nobody's life... I am a person so detached from emotional attachment that I crave it so much.... I have the most lying eyes in the world... I can burn right through you ... yet their soft enough to say "I love you" without actually saying it... My eyes... the one tool people use to use against me... the glow is dull... they life is ceasing...  Personality wise... no need... never had one... I have always lacked character but not facial expressions... that is one thing about me that usually says the truth or exaggerates the negative... my facial expressions... but one thing that I am good at according to my sister... is those blank looks she hate so much.... blank looks a protection against... so much...  I need something... I want change now... I am uneasy... my head is spinning so fast... I can't process the onfo fast enough.... forget it... I need to breath... oh geez... my eyes... they're goign to look tiny when I wake up...