Overwhelmed

At this very moment I am feeling a huge mixture of emotions... There are so many things. I know, I know that I've been ranting on and on about my parents but maybe if I let it all out and something does happen I will feel ok with it... I just worry for both of them... I mean I know they're adults but I've had to help them so much over the years that that separation will probably hurt me more than ever. Over the years I have become more distant therefore I compensate... Distant because I hate telling everything I have to do and the choices I make... I guess that is all part of me never really begin openly alive at my household. Last night I had the guts to ask my sister, "What would you feel if mom and dad decided to go their separate ways" and she said, "Their adults, if they don't want to be with each other, we can't force them."
I couldn't say anything after that to her... I was hurt... I know that is how life is suppose to be. We can't force people to be together, true. But I guess since I grew up believing that Marriage was forever... no matter what... I was deeply hurt. I was hoping that she would be on my side and we could figure out a way to help our parents get rid of their stubbornness. But now I feel alone... I might be a little selfish but then I think of my son too...Danny is finally warming up to my dad... it took him while and if something happens then he will really grow up without a father figure for sure.... I am afraid... I am depressed... I ... I ... don't know what to do to control myself... I have never known how kids deal with the turmoil of the unexplainable.... but I am an adult...I am a mother that in many cases has to try and play the father figure for my son... I am one who has always depended on her dad for everything... if he leaves I will feel abandoned... My dad has always been like my everything... I love my mom but my dad has always been more comprehensive of me... He has always accepted me for who I am ... and never has he tried to change me... more like he teaches me .... This I am feeling is this feeling of utter diappointement... of failure... I really wished or still wish Danny could have the same opportunity.... I have never been strong to deal with these heart felt things... I don't know how everybody sleeps so peacefully... and I can't... Doesn't any one feel anything... Well I know my mom wanted to tear up when I asked my dad what the suitcase was... my brother jokingly said it was a piano... which I was dumb or gullible to believe (in my heart I was praying it was true) and then he said no it was a suitcase for traveling... I saw my mom... her eyes were sad... she was trying to be strong... I know she is aching... right now I don't know what my dad is feeling. I hope they feel worse than I do....because I can't stop crying....I can be a very strong person but not when it comes down to the destruction of relationships... The pain caused... can almost be unrepairable for some... Sometimes I feel like a little freaking girl depending on  mommy and daddy to be there... I always felt at least safe coming home when they're here... I feel  complete... I am both of them...equally... emotionally and appearance...
IF he does leave I just hope not before his birthday... I would not be able to compose my self properly ... I am too weak at heart... I can't hide it... emotion always overwhelms me.... spur crying attacks, anxiety attacks... depression... headaches... How can I as the oldest be strong? I can't .... they my sibbs be strong for me... they all act like they don't care... although my sis did seem a little concerned today when the suitcase was mentioned.... she asked what it was for... it's undeniable... we can't lie. They are starting to act better... is it because the end is near and they want to end in good terms? Do they still have hope? Do they love each other?  Were they the wrong persono for each other? Oh God, please! I need help... I need it. With your help I know I can be guided to understand anything... please! I beg.... I need to know how to deal with this... because it's time I talk to them... about the game they're playing... or if they are serious...