so....

yup. So I have my strong feelings for this one person. I know nothing will ever come out of it but they are there.And no it's not my ex.Even before I had my baby I knew that nothing could be. We are to similar people in different pages in a book that probably will never meet. I know I can't complain, I have a baby and I need to dedicate all my time with him but it's still hard. At least it is not as bad here in Redlands as it was in high where you saw a swarm of couples everywhere. Although as I notice now, couples are actually starting to hold hands and make their relationship noticeable and it makes me long for it. All I want is that feeling of happiness when you talk to them over the phone or when you get to see them that one hug that you wish could last forever. I just want somebody that likes to watch any movies and is happy, that somebody that is comfortable enough to just give me a kiss in the cheek. I know everybody will say you are young , yeah I am only 21, true and that is what they use to tell me before. When I finally found somebody that said he really loved me, after 3 years dumped me twice for other girls. I was in love... and it hurt deeply. He was the one person that was not like that and nobody would have expected that. Now I have my baby, who looks like him. Maybe the appearance of my baby, although, adorable, might be a punishment for helping him cheat on his new gf. Yeah I am not proud of it but I would never regret it or take it back. Sometimes we would just talk and hang out, it was as if he was a different person. I saw a different side it was nice because we bacame friends and then when the baby was born I started to despised him. He says he loves his baby yet he never comes and sees him. He is about to have another baby this month and it makes me think that if he barely sees his baby now when he has another he for sure will forget about us.We were each other's first love but at the end he said it was only puppy love after 3 years and after 4 I had a  baby, :( . He has only been with his new gal for a year and a half , half of what we went through and he has a kid and is living will this girl. Actually theyu moved in together after like 6 months. I know the baby and I still have a big life ahead of us but I know that I would like a person that would love my son and I and not grow in my face that I have a son before him , you know what I mean? There are a lot of people out there but you know what also. I am not willing to meet people unless they are in my path already. I hate meeting guys. Honestly the first thing that comes to my head when I meet somebody is, they want sex. Although I know it's not true I just get creaped out. I hate that process. I guess that has always been my problem. I should have let him been kicked out of band, I should have never protected all of this wrong doings, I should have just let it be maybe then I would not have had to deal with this emptiness and cope with a baby while doing homework, or the worry if my baby is ok when I am at school all day. My baby is growing every single day and I only see him at morning, night and weekends. Yet I know that is not going to change because I need to find a job so I can support myself and him. My goal I guess is to be able to provide but also be provided for. I want to move out, I wish I could get married to a right chose and we could start our lifes just right. I want my simple dream in real life. I don't think it's too much to ask for, it's not . I feel like my baby and I are at least entitled to some happiness. I feel like if the baby's father will not be there: I am going to take child support out and move so I can make my life better.Take any benefits away, who deserves rights if they are never going to use them. Besides the baby has the right to see his father but if he wont see him them my baby also has the right to an peaceful life.I Don't want to hear him say, " Is daddy ever going to come and see me?", "Why doesn't he come mommy?", " Did I do something wrong?" , "Does he hate me?". How sad would be explaining to you little boy that daddy is very busy right now hun, we will come and see you when he done with all his work. Then years pass I get blamed for it and then he loves his father for not being there and hates me for taking it all away. Yeah I don't know. Loving my sons to death is probably the most rewarding thing because I go home and when he sees me the pushes himself my way. He hugs me, smiles, giggles, starts to play and tell me how his day went,of course we can understand him b/c he 4 months but to him just that ear means the world.I guess I feel like a baby.I want what he has with me but I want a partner. Just like all parents I am not going to tel my baby my problems b/c then he will be worried and we like them to not have to worry about grow up problems just like out parents did when we were little. Although I learned about all issues when I was like 12 I remember being constantly depressed as a kid b/c I had my own social problems and on top I had others. There has always been too much in my head. It's always there. It seems like it all commulates and the pile  just gets bigger and more and more issues my head just can forget. They all start in 5th grade well actually 4th grade.Well that is a story of a different day...