How to break up with your girlfriend...

When don't they have an agenda?
or

lies, it's always about a lie
or

when they're gone it's always a big blur, who can really say it maybe didn't happen? But, they're always trying to get into our head to drive us nuts...


Never been broken up to one of these? .... there's always a next time...
One thing is a certainty in life, that one day our life will come to an end. Everything else happens to lead up to that moment. A break up is only the help for a new beginning. Enjoy your new beginnings ladies, accept it who heartedly and never look back.

Men from Mars?

Mars, the bringer of War .... which makes me wonder of why are Men from Mars again?
And why do they get the awesome music?



This is a piece by Holst... Awesome composer!! If you've never listened to it, you're truly missing out.
Then we have the contrasting piece "Venus, the bringer of peace. I'm not going to link because it's not as cool as Mars but don't get me wrongs it's still great. But, seriously why do men get the better more driven to action music... lol I get it, I do. But do people really think that all women are bringers of peace? I think in every spectrum including here on xanga, we've seen that many people stir things and it's not always men... just sayin' but awesome music!!
Is it a Man's world after all? Can women just generally just be free in minimal parts of the world? How about the Universe?

Ultimatum in a relationship

Ok, so my last post was just because I was bored ...

But, seriously Ultimatums usually comes in the worst times and sometimes when you least expect them or when there is a change that is expected. I can definitely see the appeal but at the same time they can suck...
I gave one once, a long long time ago and even though it might have worked with the time limit, it never really worked. I once thought I wanted this person who kept me on the side and used our broken up time as getting closer as friends so I knew when he went out and I would let him talk to me about his personal life with girls. And I would silently cry and let my heart break (this was before his wife's time but not too distant) ... So I gave him to ultimatum because I was tired of waiting (in fact, I was stupid I ever gave it- 20/20 hindsight- head over heels stupid) anyways so... he got back with me and cheated the same day, nice. I found out shortly. Now, I realize that when a person doesn't feel about you the way you want them to, even a time limit threat, ultimatum with really make them come back. It might give you time or maybe they start thinking about the custom of having that person there but sometimes it's not there anymore and it's gone. (there's a spanish song, I love, kinda sad but it's called "Costumbres" and it talks about living in a habit rather than it still being love- it will be in the bottom) ... So then I found out that people will not change  unless they want to, and people shouldn't be expected to change...
There was a bible study today at time house or something like that. There was a person speaking and using verses anyways so since most of the men are in a retreat (including my dad) it was mostly ladies except one gentleman who came with his wife.  They mentioned how some have been cheated on and different things and well they said that they were given these type of people who drink who have these bad habits so that they can get closer to God. Now, I understand why they do get closer given their situations. But, they get closer because of the situation. I don't think they were chosen this person to get closer... I don't know... anyways ... So I know my dad went to this retreat because my mom wanted him to. And well he wanted to go for himself but she kind of just wanted him to live it but he took his keyboard and might have played instead which means it was useless, well I'm sure it's not but the purpose is in a sense.
After years, I've had the opportunity to kind of talk to dad on Wednesday. I asked him to go to this marriage retreat with my mom. She had asked him before and he said no because he says it has to come from within to go, I'm sure he would say the same thing if I told him to go to an AA meeting. But, this time and for the first time I asked him to go. I'm tired of the silent treatment they have going on, the yelling that gets them nowhere, the disagreements. I told him just once. And he agreed that all they need is just once but he's hesitant mainly because after people come out of this retreat their marriage gets better and I got the feeling he wasn't willing to fix it.
I told my mom I kind of talked to him but I didn't tell her what we really talked about because we talked a bit more, felt nice to be trusted, you know. I hate breaking trust. The thing I found out I told my my is that she has given my dad and ultimatum. He basically has until Oct 1st to decide if he wants to go and if he doesn't say anything or agrees... I don't know what will happened. I asked her and she said she was done. My parents are both stubborn, I know them, I've watched them. I've asked her simple questions of when they met and their relationship... and I still see the same thing. Nothing has changed in 26-27 years of them being together yet they're on the verge of ending it. Or who knows how my dad will feel after this religious retreat/encounter. I asked her, why did she stayed from the beginning if she saw what she saw and she said she was blinded by love. I can't deny anything to that response. They did  rush into it though but that's not my call because I can see why it's gone wrong just tracing back to the beginning.
I've always figured that a person is the way they are and they don't plan on changing. A person who thinks a person will change for them is delusional as well. No games, be who you are and let the person embrace it. If the person accepts you as you then great but if they don't, they never will. I never want to end up in a position like my parents. Even when they got married... my mom says that my dad just said it like "yea, we'll be married for a few years" like if it was suppose to end or something. Most of my dad's siblings (aunts and uncles) have broken marriages which makes me sad. I think they don't know how to follow through or really be committed. I've heard so much from seeing and hearing so many people tell their stories.
You can see it, and this is why I am fighting to go completely the opposite of what they have. My dad's sibs have no communication or interaction. Not what I want... I want a united family, communicate and as hard as it can sound, no divorce, it's what I want and I know there are situations where it's happens, and I can't say never but it's never going to be on my mind.
*sigh*
So this was the song i was talking about :
Hablame de ti,                                                                              Talk to me about yourself          
cuentame, de tu vida.                                                                    Tell me about your life

Sabes tu muy bien                                                                         You know very well    
que yo estoy convencida                                                                 that I'm convince
de que tu no puedes                                                                       that you can't
aunque intentes olvidarme.                                                               even if you try, to forget me              

Siempre volveras                                                                            You will always come back
una y otra vez                                                                                again and again
una y otra vez                                                                                 again and again  
siempre volveras                                                                             You will always comes back
aunque ya no sientas                                                                       Even if you don't feel      
mas amor por mi, solo rencor.                                                           more love for me, only bitterness

Yo tampoco tengo                                                                          I also have
nada que sentir                                                                              nothing to feel                
y eso es peor.                                                                                and that's worse          
Pero te extrano,                                                                            But I miss you    
tambien te extrano.                                                                        I also miss you

No cabe duda que es verdad                                                            it's without doubt, it's the truth
que la costumbre es mas fuerte                                                        that habits are stronger
que el amor.                                                                                    than love          

Se que tu no puedes                                                                     I know that you can't
aunque intentes olvidarme.                                                             even if you try, forget about me
siempre volveras                                                                            you will always come back        
una y otra vez                                                                               again and again
una y otra vez                                                                                again and again    
siempre volveras.                                                                           You will always come back

Aunque ya no sientas mas                                                              Even if you don't feel
amor por mi, solo rencor.                                                                more love, just bitterness

Yo tampoco tengo nada que                                                            I also have nothing to        
sentir, y eso es peor.                                                                      feel, and that's worse        
Pero te extrano.                                                                              But, I miss you      
Como te extrano.                                                                             how I miss you      

No cabe duda que es verdad                                                             It's without doubt, it's the truth
que la costumbre es mas fuerte                                                        that a habit is stronger
que el amor...                                                                                  than love...

I guess this song always made me think of a couple being years together, living together, knowing everything about each other and even in their worst times of no talking to each other they were still there... making breakfast, lunch and dinner... And when there is no more love you still miss that presence the support, the feeling someone is there. And even if maybe didn't miss the person you miss them as a whole as an idea. I guess that's the basis of the song.  People get use to each other. And when it doesn't work, suddenly so many years later there's a change and a new adaptation.  So we're see what happens. This is enough of my rambling.  

going to school vs. going to school with a baby

With my small insignificant tribulations in life which have all been self provoked (i guess) I cannot blame anyone other than myself. I wasn't a teen mom but I surely speak to teens about motherhood and the how "High school sweethearts" and their interpretation of love can be misleading. We know that probably most kids don't end up with their high school sweethearts, well let me rephrase many do and (I have no stats) but personally many people I've known who've had a sweetheart ended up marrying them and a few years into it, get a divorce. Sad. There is more to marriage (but even adults fail at that so what examples do teens have) Yes, maybe spending more time getting to know yourselves in adulthood or in decision making opportunity might lead to knowing a person better.  People change and in our teens we're far too young to understand (well most, not all) and not only that, people are unsure of what to expect and they change their minds too much.
Which leads to being unsteady even in considering bringing a baby into this world. When I was a teen I did think about wanting a baby (in fact my depression led me to want a baby so that I had a baby to pass down from my genes or myself and then I would be able to... you know) but I didn't. I wanted something else in life, I figured. I remember I was threatened once, we were young and he once told me, "I'm going to get you pregnant so that you'll never leave me." Which proves that kids change their minds and thankfully he didn't then.
So, since teen girls sometimes feel lonely they think having a baby will fix that. Many don't realize the responsibility, the change in life and not only that they  haven't even had the opportunity to enjoy life and see what's out there. Or even figure themselves out or know what they would like to do with their lives... and they (I wanted) want a baby? Doesn't make sense. In fact, as a teen you're just trapping yourself from the possibility of being successful. She might have the will power to finish high school but she will be burnt out to consider going to college right after. It's doable but it's hard... I only did it for a year and a half (the end part of college) and I was so tired at the end, I didn't want to think of school and I almost didn't want to go to graduation. It's hard work but it's doable. I also saw many girls get pregnant and married during college and they would drop like flies... Wait until after. At least you'll have a degree with that debt.
If you're a mom you know the toll a pregnancy can take on you (the body changes is causes) or if you had a great pregnancy (I know I did well except a lil morning sickness which I controlled even more once I quit my prenatal pills) maybe except for labor but nothing compares to having the baby next to you and waking up every 3 hours. Don't get me wrong babies are cute when they're sleeping. But, every 3 hours.. That's when you'll really see people crying... literally 1. You're sore from having the baby or can't move too much from the c-section. 2.Trying to Breast feed (or crying like me because I couldn't feed my son but if I one day have another I know I will try again)  3. You can't really pee  4. You're exhausted 5. You can't sleep well 6. You have to remind yourself to eat and 7. rest when the baby rests... 
Now, there are so many more things ... MOMs want to add to the list??... But this isn't even mentioning your house responsibilities. Taking child to routinely check up... where do you fit this when you're in school? What if you're a single mom... Or if you're in school and you have a bf but he's working. He misses work no money? You miss more than 3 classes in college and you're dropped (well in my private school it was like that, I don't know public school policies) ... What do you do?
I never promote abortions myself, why? I would never get one. When I could have have had one for the given reasons I didn't and it never crossed my mind as an option. Regardless of time a child is a blessing. And I can say he saved my life. But, for the same reason kids need to know of all the responsibilities of having to pay for things and not even knowing how to care for their ownselves. No jobs, living under mommy and daddy and suddenly a baby? How do you do it? You are closing your doors to success at the very moment. Not saying you can't be successful but you're going to have to want it REAL bad. You're going to have to go through hoops, and jump hurdles, it's possible but only up to you!!
Take the easy road: Finish High school, Finish College, start your career (somewhere in there meet your future wife or husband) and once you're both working and paying off debt then consider whatever you want...
Take the easy road... family will happen if you want it but it can wait.
Disclaimer: Easy road doesn't mean obtaining your life goals and dreams will be easy. It just means it's easier than trying with a baby by your side when you're not ready. 
Many of us have struggled and learned the hard way for you to take advantage of our advice. Take it, learn from it, and finish school first.

Life challenges, it's why I am me.

I remember being a junior in #college with my #newborn child. Thanks to the grace of God or something powerful I had the #opportunity to only miss one day of classes my first semester. Granted he was born the Saturday before finals but 4 weeks exactly from his birth I returned to my second semester. To my misfortune only one teacher didn't excuse the birth of my son for not turning in my last assignment. I knew he wouldn't excuse me, it was my second semester with him and he always had it out for me... I never understood why but I dealt with it and respected him none the less. It was a great assignment and I was actually looking forward to doing it. But since he was adjunct 2nd semester would be too late anyways. I took the writing final which I passed but just with that last assignment he #failed me. Of course the english department wanted me to take the whole class... Thank goodness for passing that test and over lapping courses... they threw out that course because I had another substitute course that a supplement but I never understood what his problem was.
See we all have hardships and mine weren't just school. I struggled with english (it being my second language, never spoke one or the other correctly, but I think I'm working on them both). When I ended up #pregnant I was insecure and #scared I was going to be kicked out of my home. I took on the plan to talk to a friend who had been kicked out of her house when her dad found out when she was pregnant and her mom was supportive and she told her my situation. I, of course, had no idea what to expect but be prepared for the worse. I was suppose to move back 2 weeks later to school when I decided to tell my parents... I still remember that day clearly. I was 5 months pregnant...  I held on to the news as long as I could. I came home from my morning part time (always went home-had 2 hours in between and I picked up my sister to work with me for our full time at McDonald's- I was  a closer) so I was home and I was pacing and I knew I had to spit it out. Even though I was ready, it was burning inside me. My mom was taking a nap and my dad was outside by his white F-150 truck. I called him inside to his room, I woke up my mom. I stated crying before ever being able to say anything.

She kind of understood and cried with me. My dad didn't say a word. I let him down and broke his heart for the first time in his life. I don't think he had ever felt disappointment. In fact he didn't speak to me for the remaining months. it so happened I was in school when I went into  active labor and begged my friend to instead of taking me to the hospital which was on the way, to take me home... I was fortunate he did (I have since lost him as a friend for who knows for what reasons but I know in my heart I will always appreciate him and the rest of my #friends for their #support) but I was at home and at that point I was just crying in pain. Thank goodness for my mom, she was soothing the pain and waiting for a client. She had to cancel and my dad was at the store so she called him. He didn't want to take me to the hospital. Not because he didn't want to but because I was in so much pain and I'm sure he didn't want to see that. He was the only one that didn't visit me in the hospital but picked me up. He loves my son so much beside I'm sure he loves that Danny calls him Dad or sometimes papi Chayo.

I thought the hard part was having him and a freakin doctor telling me to stop screaming... hey! I held on to the pain and did lamaze until about 6am the day he was born,saturday. But, he wasn't born until 2:55pm ... I had started getting the first small contractions the friday at 3pm. So when he did that with only IV meds I had no energy to say anything but dying sure felt a lot better than the feeling of being broken in life from my back. That was still easier. Once he was born, the second week he was hungry. I felt like a failure not being able to breast feed. He cried and I cried. I felt like the life was being sucked out of me and I ran out of milk 10 days after his birth. Can you imagine having the equipment and not being worthy of such a life giving miracle. I got depressed. But, I couldn't even afford milk at first. Hard times .Then I had to go back to school. He need to have hearing tests by specialists because they said that his ears weren't reacting. It was a melt down. They could have said it was routine and it happened often but I was sent to specialists and I didn't know what to do. I was scared, sad and alone. That day... I got a speeding ticket... :(
So I had to take him to school sometimes and be stared at by teachers and friends. he had doctor appts and I had to go to school. I had to take him to Master classes. The truth was I wasn't trusted by my parents. Any other activities I had, I had to take my baby. I took him everywhere. To all my friend's parties, to everything... afterschool functions. It was hard. I wasn't allowed to even have a little fun. What I was told was, "You wanted a baby, take care of him" I mean it was hard but I agree. I couldn't do anything else and it was my whole responsibility. This is why I didn't date or even try. There was no way. And I wasn't emotionally ready either.

But, hearing about all this #banning of children and people can do what ever they and complain. Actually for me during that time my son's dad and I weren't in talking terms. So, I once took my son to a concert. I was a music major and I had to go to all the symphony concerts... I couldn't leave him  at home. I had no choice.  I took him with me. He wasn't even awake but someone heard a baby babble for a sec and yes I got kicked out. I was upset, I had to be there and I had not choice. And older couple heard a baby and well I was in the balcony and I was a target. It was fine. I was sad.... but I also understood. The Symphony Manager saw my son was asleep and also thought it was wrong for me to be kicked out. But, she was grateful I was so cooperative. She sends me a little #gift during the week. A $25 gift card to target and apologize. She didn't have to do that but she did. I know life is not fair and I could honestly say that before I had kids I understood less And there will still be people who will never understand and I get it I do. I didn't become a baby person until my son and really I only tolerate my son but I'm understanding. I know how things are. I was alone and I had no choice. For the longest time I needed me time but my me time was being in class. I was taking like 17 units but since music course are very important many were for 0, 1, or 2 units or I would have to pay for overload... I guess in a sense we were lucky that we could take course for so little units but at the same time it sucked because you weren't getting units get you had to take them and you were required so much time consumption.
I've had my share of experiences.
I did. I've had friends who thought I wasn't going to make it from school but I did. I've had friends who blame me for their dropping out, others for becoming parents. I never got it. They said I made everything seem so easy... what they didn't see what the heartbreak I felt inside. How dead I felt and all the motions I was going through. I couldn't handle it starting senior year and I went to talk to somebody that very likely saved me from me. Hard times. And everything else I had to do. I would get home at like 8 pm after leaving like at 7:15ish and sometimes i would have to do homework and I couldn't. I was a mommy and I had other responsibilities. I would ask for an hour extra and the response was "No, you wanted a baby. When you come home he's all yours."  So I was getting an average of 3 hours a night. I would get home watch him feed him put him to sleep do homework, tend his need... keep doing homework and finish about 3 sometimes when I was about to go to bed he would wake up... sometimes it was 2 and I was falling asleep, slapping my face and cold water... I would sleep and wake up the next time he woke up, feed him work on last minute work and leave to school.

talk about fun time...
here we are now... Time hasn't stopped and we just gotta keep on moving forward. The best part is to keep trying no matter what. I figured I'll get kicked out, denied, rejected, stepped over by many people in my life time. But, it can't be any worse than the challenges that have helped mold me as who I am. I use to be super shy. Friends thought I was going to drop out... I disappoint or made people proud I don't know. I just did what I could to survive in a time where I only had dirt to eat.

just the day

So yesterday we had a small family reunion here at home... I texted my sister a few days ago and then my bro. Man oh man does it feel nice to have the whole family together every once in a while. Since we know times are changing even more (I don't know what this means yet) and we're all growing and getting older faster and faster... I just wanted to see the whole family. So things are cool with all the siblings but since my dad is acting a little weird or off maybe he just has a lot of pressure So we all talked yesterday and we're going to go on a small family trip (let me say that this one will be our first ever) that my dad has been wanting to do for years. So since my son has some vacation in Oct... we're going to go a couple days... mainly sunday and monday. We'll spend time in the Colorado River ...  So this is the plan.
I love it when family is together. It just feels like I'm getting emotional over nothing. *sigh*
Yesterday, We grilled burgers and all ate, it was nice and peaceful then we all watch a movie. Family time... love it.
Danny is usually sad when everybody leaves but since my bro's gf had to work he and my nephew stayed and we all played with him. He's a crazy little 8 month old. He was standing up holding up to me and then letting go. he wants to walk now. So cute. But, he was having fun and pulling my hair and play fighting so I had a  headache when I fell asleep.

I didn't have a headache today but i feel tension so I asked and begged my mom for a head/scalp massage and I'm surprised she did it but thank goodness or I wouldn't have survived... She told me that I needed a whole massage. So I might just get one tomorrow. My head needs it. It works so much better when the whole body is relaxed. part of the tension is returning to my head from my right occipital region so it just might be what I need.

My brother got a blood bank paper.... I've been wanting to donate blood for a long time. I don't think I have since my son was born but I have donated like 6 or 7 times. My mom wants to donate too... I know we've all donated blood well I'm not sure about my sis but my bros and I have and my mom wants to... they're going to love her blood. Well I'm sure they wont mind any of ours... one of my bros and my mom has o- and my other bro and I have o+ so they like it because they can use it anywhere they want especially the '-' so we just might go do this sunday since they hardly come up to the high desert.
I can't do much but if they can use my blood, why not?
I use to go to plasma banks too... and there I was able to every 2 weeks unlike having to wait the -what is it?- 3 months to donate blood again... Plasma is used (I believe) people who have hemophilia. I haven't done this in year but they always use to put some IV back into our system, men only the first time and women every single time. I don't remember why but they always suggested a sweater because we would be freezing after they finished. I, at least, hope some people have benefited of my donations.

It's your right not to date single parents

I was reading a blog on datingish Why I will not date people with kids a few days ago. Well it's refreshing to know that there are people who still feel that way. It's certainly a right people have to find a person who doesn't have a child and together form a family. It's a very sweet thought.
Unfortunately for some of us... we can't day dream of that... and to be honest I feel what you're saying. I would myself prefer a person who doesn't have a family yet but I know like in my situation things happen. It's just another factor to add. I'm not closed to the other option of a partner that has children but given my situation I guess it's something I can't be too picky on even though I wouldn't prefer it. I think with the life I've had someone who would want to start over with me without out a family would be perfect. For me, it's already complicated being a mom...And it would be more so you being a dad. It's easier for one to have a child than both in some cases but it does depend on the people. I get what you mean about a baby's dad... I guess many people aren't as fortunate as I am with no drama or if we have arguments it's between us and it shouldn't bring down those around us but the public doesn't know.

It's a part of life. I would say that if you find a person who is reasonably able to work out with their kid's mom or dad in a relationship then you should be fine. Sure there are problematic people out there and I sure hope you don't find those people but even they deserve a chance of love. It's a sacrifice that sometimes needs to be done or like people will do ... just don't date people who have kids...  Can you really help who you fall in love with?  I know I can't... but it's a risk of heartbreak worth the taking.
One thing being a single mother and with thoughts about dating...
Guys, You will never come first... Sad, but true. If she is a mother and a somewhat good one for that matter please don't get your hopes up and think that we will put you above and beyond any children including those we may have with you ...
Don't get me wrong. We will love you as much as we love ourselves yes and sometimes if you're lucky maybe a little more or a lot more but just as we sacrifice ourselves (which means we love ourselves enough to come 3rd in our eyes) you can come second if you deserve it but children will always come first.
Oh and if you try, try and have something in common with kids... it will make life easier for all...  You win the child over and the mom's heart... Don't worry about ex factors

If you can't handle that, don't try. You're wasting your time.

Alcohol and family

As most stereotype of Mexicans is that they can drink and males are either quiet or loud drinkers...
I know I got my first taste of beer when I was like 5 or 6 ... it didn't taste good but since my dad in the evening would go out for a drink (we would just hear the can opening) I would go and see what he was doing and my little sister would always tag along... I remember tugging and begging and he was always saying no. I wanted to try it but he would say no... but I'm sure here and there we would get under his skin and I got a sip....
I remember my parents always having arguments mainly because my dad drank. My dad has always been a quiet person. It takes time for you to be accepted by him but once he likes you, just don't do anything to ruin it because he wont like you anymore. Anyways, My dad has never been a person who believes in punishing kids (or in that type of disciplined -which being as we are we sure needed a few spankings- we're stubborn kids- he believed in talking, didn't always work because he was too nice) the person who always put their foot down was my mom. He has always been mellow. Never would do anything to put harm but still the alcohol bothered my mom. I guess it was the fact that he was hurting himself. He's been basically drinking since he was 12 when he use to go play music with older men around town in Mexico to make money.
He started drinking even more so about 10-11 years ago when he was in a pretty traumatic accident... He was in a work related accident and severed most the left hand fingers... a few torn to the bone and he lost use and sensation from them.. being a musician well you basically need both hands. He always loved playing the violin and I remember seeing him trying and struggling and being frustrated because he would put his fingers on the strings but he couldn't just move one they would all move... it was sad time... (I didn't get my quinceanera... and many defining moments happened... he felt less of a person and became depressed. He wont openly admit it but his character changed a lot. Still quiet he started drinking more and going to sleep earlier... he couldn't work for a year and his job was construction he was now a liability so his work started giving him less and less work... we were struggling to stay afloat... barely making ends meet. My mom had to leave to go work so she took care of twins. I was basically the mom of the house while she was gone. I cooked and clean. I do admit while my mom was gone thing were very peaceful, we only saw her during the weekend... but my sister started going out and would just come home late... i had no control... I was losing my sibling... they were all going through their stages and I had always been the listener the goody-too-shoes , the one that was willing to sacrifice because I knew what was going on... I would try and tell my siblings to do their homework listen but it was hard... My mom came back when she realized that her being away was making the family fall apart. My dad loved us but he knew they didn't listen to him much and I was struggling... He just did his own thing as well. I guess I just made sure there was food made for everybody to eat.  And I think the worst after that when my parents were on verge of a break-up they wont admit it but my dad was telling me he was going to leave to Mexico... like he really would since he's been here since he was in his teens. And I had a feeling we were going to be on our own... My mom was in a car accident... she really looked like she was going to leave us... the face of my dad when we both saw her lying on the hospital bed moaning in pain... I know that was heartbreaking... He started drinking more... then they lost their house and he lost his pride... he didn't feel like a provider anymore... we were kicked out 2 more times from homes... we've almost been kicked out from here but things are finally getting better... Life happening took tolls on my dad and his only outlet was to drink.
Just a year ago my car broke down which my dad was using and he didn't live with us for like 3 months... we almost thought that was the perfect way to ease his way out but thankfully he came back. He missed the food, the home but parents basically became separated but living together. which makes me a but sad but what can you do. They sleep in seperate beds and any conversations just led to small arguments.
So in the last few months we started noticing his alcohol consumption rise even more... He was drinking at least a 12 pack a day or more...my mom was counting the cans every day after he left to work in the mornings. At night he just smelled of alcohol but he kept to himself and was mellow. Everyday he drank and went to sleep  early and left early. Many times we didn't even know whether he was working or not because he never had any money to help out. times were hard. i tried looking for jobs here and nothing is/was hiring. And I was taking my mom to all her appointments... I was multi-tasking on everything... I was doing everything I could plus taking my bros to school and picking them up and taking bro to work... I was doing what I could...Thank goodness they graduated.
Its been one week my mom has noticed my dad has not touched alcohol. He's been even more quiet, wont say a word. Comes home from work and watches tv, eats and goes to bed. I don't know if he's going out cold-turkey or what changed that suddenly he hasn't drank. I mean I'm happy as you can imagine but a quiet person like my dad worries me. I have been wanting him to go get checked for a long time just to make sure everything is ok but he refuses. My grandpa died almost 3 years ago with cancer, he fought it for years and he disregarded it for a long time... so he didn't take care of himself. May he rest in peace. Everybody says that my dad looks exactly how my grandpa did when he was younger... and we know how cancer can be carried through genetics so I worry about my dad.
So I mean I've had my moments of drinking and whatnot... but are I keep maturing. I've had a drink here or there but it's not appealing anymore... the taste is gone. When people mention alcohol, I think I prefer not drinking than joining. I didn't have crazy crazy times in college but just like my sis and I went through our phases... And we don't really drink or smoke anymore... it's out of our system and we're glad  that's over with.
I think a happy family is one without alcohol. Well, I don't know ... but it makes sense...

...it ends

I feel weak; I know you can’t see
I can’t speak, tears drowning, minor chord
I just want a kiss on my cheek but I can see that will never be.
You’re just hiding, my darkened ward

There are no words to express what I feel
I know I should always carry my shield
But instead I hope for magic so I can heel
But there is so much traffic and I have to yield

I hate to admit, I think I was right
And I hate admitting I was once again wrong
It’s the same story, even though I wish it not with all my might
In this thin rope, up so high
Holding to life as I balance in this line so tight

I like to sacrifice and surely it’s the road I chose
I like to be me, and I know you only see the negativity
But will you get bored; there are bees from rose to rose
I hate pain, it’s sometimes the reason I pretend to be vain.
But, it’s a front, I have nothing to gain.

In my nights in the black room, staring at nothing
I think of the stars, we stare together
I don’t know if we were bluffing
But it’s the same sky we see, I wish it forever

It’s the lullaby of the wolves’ cry
Only to see fire in your eye,
A camp fire, lost in moments time
And open wound, droplets of lime

 a Unison stare at the sky,
To realize two separate worlds, was it a lie?
A dream never comes true
Unless it’s made an action by you.

One can’t see love, but feel it,
Much like a baby in a womb
Love is beautiful, but there is so much pain
Who feels love when there’s nothing to gain?

A taken life by a last cold breath before your doom
No pain lifeless strained vein
Before an eternal fate in that dark tomb
Just a drive in life’s fast lane
As we arrived, out we go in a hospital room.

friendship- you mean a lot to me!!!

I will always be here when you need me no matter what has happened. I will stand by yourside even if I'm thousands of miles away... I'm just a message, call away...

We know that hearts and promises will breaks but that's why we have friends.
Trust and loyalty 


We don't do this purposely (hardly ever) but it's nice to know who cares.


I don't like to see people walk away but it happens... I'm here when you need me

Yes, you are beautiful!!! And You too, gentlemen, maybe not pretty but handsome!

Please, don't forget that you mean a lot to me

And always (NEVER FORGET) love YOURSELF!!!

Lonely Rose

 
There she she sits, this lonely rose. softly being tugged. She's been cut, unthorned and dropped. It's mistaken that this was the road she chose. Her beauty asks for nothing but to be viewed, yet the sight has been skewed. 
This lonely rose, sits as she's been placed.Only the wind has pushed her, her delicate body being dragged but its just the same as she's been forgotten. over or under the bridge, torn petals, arguments filled and nothing settles. Dropped by rage and stomp in disdain no one can find her as she's flown away
She has but minutes to shine for her youth is gently gone,The withering sun and nostalgic thoughts of being wanted have sucked her to her end, death an unbreakable bond. "this is the end," hissed the wind, being dragged and a small painful disfiguration ripped through her soul.
 There sits this lonely rose, No one knows her only hopes: To be picked up, placed in water and cared for.
Life is short but to her lovely sight is as to give life to a empty loveless room.
This sad rose, lays with all the spoken words, marinated and nothing said. For she lays forgotten; she never existed. She was never seen.

 

Happy

To be HAPPY is to be FREE!!!











What makes you happy?

My eyes

Yes, I kind of whine and dream and everything in between ...
 
My eyes... To me, besides my son, they're the only thing I like....
not that I'm falling apart because suddenly something new happens but they happen to be weird because I'm not use to things acting up...

Anyways, My eyes...
 

for a couple weeks at least when I would wear eye liner or so I think (because I haven't tried just wearing mascara to see if that happens) but they suddenly become to produce a thicker liquid and some stuff in it so I'm constantly trying to put eye drops and clean my eyes ...
They're very irritable... So I went a couple of weeks without any make-up. I usually try not to not wear make-up but I did try my best to not try and make it seem like I'm trying to be haggard on purpose...
I know the rule is that we're suppose to try regardless because then we look sloppy or something like that is the shpiel I hear boys or guys or men talk about women.... to either make us be more self-conscious or because they're so perfect themselves...
My eyes are blood shot red... my eyes are irritated
unlike when my kidneys hurt my eyes actually worry me... if this persists I will have to go to an eye doctor or something.
I don't quite remember when but after high school and beginning of college I did use a little bit of glasses it wasn't too bad though. I just could see the street names when i was driving the lights were a blur but I know I could see fine well it was annoying so my right eye was -.50 and my left -.25 so not too bad but taking vitamins I got back to 20/20 and I seen my glasses here and there and have used them when my eyes are tired but at first after a while were too strong. I don't think I need glasses but my eyes have been worn now... They're exhausted and I can't explain why. For a while I thought it was because I was using the internet a lot so I've minimized a lot in the last month and a half. In fact I I think I've even pushed people away because lately I wont really talk to anyone... I use  to be a little social online but I'm not anymore I just wont log on to chats... :/ I've gotten more involved with my family at home but a lot to myself still.
My mom has been telling me that I look more pale and that she just sees me tired... I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm just tired so I tell her and she just says, "I know!"  She use to blame the computer but I'm less on it.
 
<End of meaningless rant>

Trees and plants

Since I wrote a little about dreams in my last post...
I've always wanted a semi big house so I can have everything I wanted. What I want is to have trees have room for them so we can save and eat fruit from our own garden. naturally grown fruit and picked when ready... not matured in the stores or something, you know...
I grew in a tiny little house but we had a huge Avocado tree... My dad loves them and as do I :)

we also had a Fig Tree in the back

a Pomegranate tree in the neighbor's year which was our aunt. Love those but hated the stains in our clothes

i want a green apple tree

Mmmm Cherries

We always have had Guava trees

We love Mangos too

Nectarines/peaches

Mmm plums

Lemons and limes trees... always come in handy with a lot of Mexican food and Lemonade

I don't love this Guaje as much but my parents love it so I would have it just for them to pick it... But it's good with some chilachiles with sour cream or chile de carnitas and a lot of lemon

Pears

Oranges

Tangerines

banana for a nice milk shake in the mornings or on cereal for breakfast

I don't know if I'm forgetting any trees I would want... Any I could add?
thanks to @Cestovatelka I forgot one of my favorites berries... STRAWBERRIES!!! 

 

I also want rose bushes everywhere so I can pick them on daily bases if possible and put them in my home...

Red Roses have always been my favorite in the world (it's probably because I love red especially a bright dark red color)


And Lillies

I know the trees will take a small while to grow but I wouldn't mind planting... cherry tomatoes, tomatoes, tomatillos, little chiles: Jalapenos, the little tiny spicy red/green kind, watermelon, lettuce, cabbage, onion, cactus
I know this is a lot but think about how much fresh air maintaining a garden would be... tough but fun!


Oh and I never mentioned but I want more shade trees also and on one of those to be a tree house so my son (or kids) play... When I was little I always wanted a tree house but it never happened. If I couldn't have it maybe it possible in the future my loved ones can.