I remember being a junior in #college with my #newborn child. Thanks to the grace of God or something powerful I had the #opportunity to only miss one day of classes my first semester. Granted he was born the Saturday before finals but 4 weeks exactly from his birth I returned to my second semester. To my misfortune only one teacher didn't excuse the birth of my son for not turning in my last assignment. I knew he wouldn't excuse me, it was my second semester with him and he always had it out for me... I never understood why but I dealt with it and respected him none the less. It was a great assignment and I was actually looking forward to doing it. But since he was adjunct 2nd semester would be too late anyways. I took the writing final which I passed but just with that last assignment he #failed me. Of course the english department wanted me to take the whole class... Thank goodness for passing that test and over lapping courses... they threw out that course because I had another substitute course that a supplement but I never understood what his problem was.
See we all have hardships and mine weren't just school. I struggled with english (it being my second language, never spoke one or the other correctly, but I think I'm working on them both). When I ended up #pregnant I was insecure and #scared I was going to be kicked out of my home. I took on the plan to talk to a friend who had been kicked out of her house when her dad found out when she was pregnant and her mom was supportive and she told her my situation. I, of course, had no idea what to expect but be prepared for the worse. I was suppose to move back 2 weeks later to school when I decided to tell my parents... I still remember that day clearly. I was 5 months pregnant... I held on to the news as long as I could. I came home from my morning part time (always went home-had 2 hours in between and I picked up my sister to work with me for our full time at McDonald's- I was a closer) so I was home and I was pacing and I knew I had to spit it out. Even though I was ready, it was burning inside me. My mom was taking a nap and my dad was outside by his white F-150 truck. I called him inside to his room, I woke up my mom. I stated crying before ever being able to say anything.
She kind of understood and cried with me. My dad didn't say a word. I let him down and broke his heart for the first time in his life. I don't think he had ever felt disappointment. In fact he didn't speak to me for the remaining months. it so happened I was in school when I went into active labor and begged my friend to instead of taking me to the hospital which was on the way, to take me home... I was fortunate he did (I have since lost him as a friend for who knows for what reasons but I know in my heart I will always appreciate him and the rest of my #friends for their #support) but I was at home and at that point I was just crying in pain. Thank goodness for my mom, she was soothing the pain and waiting for a client. She had to cancel and my dad was at the store so she called him. He didn't want to take me to the hospital. Not because he didn't want to but because I was in so much pain and I'm sure he didn't want to see that. He was the only one that didn't visit me in the hospital but picked me up. He loves my son so much beside I'm sure he loves that Danny calls him Dad or sometimes papi Chayo.
I thought the hard part was having him and a freakin doctor telling me to stop screaming... hey! I held on to the pain and did lamaze until about 6am the day he was born,saturday. But, he wasn't born until 2:55pm ... I had started getting the first small contractions the friday at 3pm. So when he did that with only IV meds I had no energy to say anything but dying sure felt a lot better than the feeling of being broken in life from my back. That was still easier. Once he was born, the second week he was hungry. I felt like a failure not being able to breast feed. He cried and I cried. I felt like the life was being sucked out of me and I ran out of milk 10 days after his birth. Can you imagine having the equipment and not being worthy of such a life giving miracle. I got depressed. But, I couldn't even afford milk at first. Hard times .Then I had to go back to school. He need to have hearing tests by specialists because they said that his ears weren't reacting. It was a melt down. They could have said it was routine and it happened often but I was sent to specialists and I didn't know what to do. I was scared, sad and alone. That day... I got a speeding ticket... :(
So I had to take him to school sometimes and be stared at by teachers and friends. he had doctor appts and I had to go to school. I had to take him to Master classes. The truth was I wasn't trusted by my parents. Any other activities I had, I had to take my baby. I took him everywhere. To all my friend's parties, to everything... afterschool functions. It was hard. I wasn't allowed to even have a little fun. What I was told was, "You wanted a baby, take care of him" I mean it was hard but I agree. I couldn't do anything else and it was my whole responsibility. This is why I didn't date or even try. There was no way. And I wasn't emotionally ready either.
But, hearing about all this #banning of children and people can do what ever they and complain. Actually for me during that time my son's dad and I weren't in talking terms. So, I once took my son to a concert. I was a music major and I had to go to all the symphony concerts... I couldn't leave him at home. I had no choice. I took him with me. He wasn't even awake but someone heard a baby babble for a sec and yes I got kicked out. I was upset, I had to be there and I had not choice. And older couple heard a baby and well I was in the balcony and I was a target. It was fine. I was sad.... but I also understood. The Symphony Manager saw my son was asleep and also thought it was wrong for me to be kicked out. But, she was grateful I was so cooperative. She sends me a little #gift during the week. A $25 gift card to target and apologize. She didn't have to do that but she did. I know life is not fair and I could honestly say that before I had kids I understood less And there will still be people who will never understand and I get it I do. I didn't become a baby person until my son and really I only tolerate my son but I'm understanding. I know how things are. I was alone and I had no choice. For the longest time I needed me time but my me time was being in class. I was taking like 17 units but since music course are very important many were for 0, 1, or 2 units or I would have to pay for overload... I guess in a sense we were lucky that we could take course for so little units but at the same time it sucked because you weren't getting units get you had to take them and you were required so much time consumption.
I've had my share of experiences.
I did. I've had friends who thought I wasn't going to make it from school but I did. I've had friends who blame me for their dropping out, others for becoming parents. I never got it. They said I made everything seem so easy... what they didn't see what the heartbreak I felt inside. How dead I felt and all the motions I was going through. I couldn't handle it starting senior year and I went to talk to somebody that very likely saved me from me. Hard times. And everything else I had to do. I would get home at like 8 pm after leaving like at 7:15ish and sometimes i would have to do homework and I couldn't. I was a mommy and I had other responsibilities. I would ask for an hour extra and the response was "No, you wanted a baby. When you come home he's all yours." So I was getting an average of 3 hours a night. I would get home watch him feed him put him to sleep do homework, tend his need... keep doing homework and finish about 3 sometimes when I was about to go to bed he would wake up... sometimes it was 2 and I was falling asleep, slapping my face and cold water... I would sleep and wake up the next time he woke up, feed him work on last minute work and leave to school.
talk about fun time...
here we are now... Time hasn't stopped and we just gotta keep on moving forward. The best part is to keep trying no matter what. I figured I'll get kicked out, denied, rejected, stepped over by many people in my life time. But, it can't be any worse than the challenges that have helped mold me as who I am. I use to be super shy. Friends thought I was going to drop out... I disappoint or made people proud I don't know. I just did what I could to survive in a time where I only had dirt to eat.
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