just a little tired you know... but it's fine :D ! It looks like I have 7 hours of work this weekend which is nice.  I teach my the piano lesson and then I am going conduct sectionals for the wind ensemble clarinets. Today I had one for the concert band clarinets but less than half of the section showed up so I am going to conduct some next wednesday again to see if it's a better turn out well for their benefit. I mean I am going to get paid whether they want to come or not...  Well it seems like I am also going to start tutoring a little 1st grader which should be interesting because I have no idea what a 1st grader would need help in but it's a great chance to give me an idea if I still want to be an elementary school teacher. Patience and all that Jazz I am going to need. PAy is not too bad $10 an hour just like the other tutoring or lack thereof but a fun paperful job...

Well, what can I say today... a kid cancelled his lesson which is not like what ever. Kids are lagging it on the payments and well I need the money if I didn't I guess there wouldn't be a problem... And although I only taught 2 lessons today it was well worth it. One of the kids, he is a freshman and well the first of the thirds in concert band and well he is one of the underclassmen taking lessons the others are mostly in wind ensemble and I told him to conduct sectionals with the thirds. When I told him it could be his responsibility his face just lightened up. I am sure I made his day. A nice high light...

Yesterday was my mother's birthday and it was nice my dad brought her roses and they seemed happy yesterday. We made them kiss and well they laughed and had a good time. I am so happy for this because just a few days ago I thought that they wouldn't last for their 25th wedding anniversary which they are starting to plan for 3 years from now. Sometimes I have my doubts but I don't know what to say... I am just glad they were happy yesterday!

It's weird because sometimes I feel that although things may be hard things come so easily for me and yet I don't understand why everything is so difficult.

Sometimes life is so great to allow me to get to know more about her. We believe she hides a lot but in reality she has it all out in the open. We all complain about why everything goes wrong in out life and don't realize that the drastic changes of weather are her cry for help....

Sometimes I think I am taking advantage of life for just riding it so smoothly or not caring for the wrong turns it gives me. It weird because sometimes I just feel like I don't care as much as I should and I don't know why it bugs me at all. I mean it shouldn't matter.  Could it be that I kind of feel disappointed that I don't feel lonely anymore or that I don't hate life as I use to. I do remember sophmore year in high a moment that I always remember. I was sitting next to my crush in the bus after a competition and well many knew I liked him and well as sucky as it was freshmen were mean. I was leaning forwards toward the front seat of the pretending to be asleep and of course I was always an easy target for freshmen and well they were mainly telling him things... like"hey why don't you go out with her", "why don't you kiss her" and so on... it was mainly arturo and ferni and a few others. I don't know why but I mainly remember their voices and I just hated myself for sitting next to him even though I didn't care if we weren't in speaking terms the fact was that he was sitting next to me and I hated that I wasn't prettier or his type. I just remember playing with my little knife as they spoke and taunted him. I know it doesn't sound as bad but for a confuse teenage girl who only knew misery all I would do would be to picture my self stabbing myself in the stomach continuously. Never went through with it of course but I never understood what about me I hated the most. Although when I talk to friends about the past I don't understand how I ever fit in or even more how I became normal. When I hear stories of high school, I feel embarrassed... I think,"no that wasn't me" or "I don't remember that!" I was way too weird which was probably mainly my depression and self hatred. I know I use to self mutulate in high school and I didn't know why and didn't even think there was something wrong with it until a friend pointed it out... I was clueless... I was this ignorant girl going to school in just going with the motions... clueless of life... there was one person who brought me down to reality and that was the person to in a way created a new person of life and chaos... always afraid that I would break and kill myself ... a stupid fear until once realized that it wasn't going to happen...  It's funny how an impact of one person can completely change your whole life and even the outlook... Glad that that person made me a little normal and not the freak I was once or "the witch", "baby killer" "gatholica" and many others... "the girl who once were white: hell was turned over, 'where's the black clothes?'"

Well just as I came to my realization or epiphany if you it seems asthough things are getting better. Sure I took Danny for an ER follow upand the Doc said everything is fine and I paid $30 for him to say that.Now I have to take him for a physical next week which will be another$30 and well Danny will need x-rays in exactly 2 weeks which they willonly be at least $60-70... I am actually relieved that they are becausewhen the doctor started saying the number, my first though was..."omg,it's going to be 600..." but yeah... so relieved. Now I just hope thatI will have enough money to cover for all of that. For sure in like 3-4weeks but in 2 I still don't know. See I still haven't gotten paid andhave been working since Nov. 27 but luckily those lessons give me alittle of money just to keep everything going... Those lessons arecherished money for me and Danny. I Don't know what I would do withoutthem....

It's funny because all we have been watching at my house is Curious George and Elmo movies.... I have to say that even though we watch them all day everyday I still don't mind them as long as I get to see that glowing smile Danny gives when they do something he likes or learns something knew. Danny and I are about to play some piano...Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven...YAY!

Well seeing the wind outside and feeling that breeze through my hair, I can honestly I feel great. It's like this wind just bring life and happiness into me. Just at seeing at a day today makes me feel like everything is going to be fine. Although I know there will be more obstacles and creditors will continue to call and harass about the money that is owed to their company I know it will get better. There is no way it can get any worse than it has been in the past. Sometimes we all need a small thing to happen to appreciate for what we have and for what we were almost willing to loose. I know in the past I use to have all these thoughts and didn't really care about how they would affect anyone or if they would I didn't care but now I have come to many realizations and for once feel proud at breathing and life.
I was watching Degrassy(don't know how to spell it) but my brothers like watching it and in many ocassions I saw actors who played a certain character who I felt connected or would have at many times in my life and I saw how they look so sad and miserable that to a point I felt sorry for that person. It started making me realize how many saw me in my darkest light. Not that I felt sorry for my self but when you're seeing in from the outside you actually get to see a different picture which you never imagined looked so ugly. Now I know why I am so separated from so many friends. Who wants to see a person with that vibe, sad shell, diminishing what is left of their unworthy pity life,come on. I know I hate to see people depressed because it makes me sad and I don't know what to do. Now knowing that, seeing me for years be the same way? That wasn't a fair advantage to my friends. Sometimes it is hard to realize many things and I guess seeing it from a different perspective just helps out but now how do I make this up to those many I hurt by hating my self for so long. Many people say well "if they aren't there for you, they're not your friends." Well I don't think that is the case I do think that sometimes people try so hard that you not trying pushes them away not because they don't want to because you gave up on them. And that makes me think of an aim convo I had with a very dear friend of mine who told me that things were just different  and yes they are. I now remember him trying so hard and I just pushed him away and the sad thing that when we wake up when this coma that invaded our life for so many years, it's too late to go back to what you thought was there. It's not a whole new life and new people even if they are the same friends they will never be the same. So I don't believe that I have lost any friends but I know I am lost to many,sadly but even if they come and go I will always be here just as I was left. Sometimes it just takes a few years to snap out of things that were killing us inside and learn that there is more to life than just you. You have a son to live for you have you life which you didn't completely destroy and to top it of you haven't completely fucked it up with all friends and another thing which of course makes you an unworthy bitch of a daughter it that your parents and family are still there supporting your every mistake to help you get stronger and make a life for yourself.

I don't know why I ever complain. I have it all in fact just for having it all, I am spoiled. I have too much when there are people out there who have nothing. I am sorry, please forgive me... I was wrong.

Well Danny is now doing a lot better which of course makes me a happy camper.  And the best part was that there was no more struggles with the medicine. I just mixed it in with the pedialyte and yeah he didn't trust me the first day but he drank it down the rest of the days. I am just so relieved to see him like himself although he is a bit more intense. He is very possessive towards myself and a bit more aggressive towards everybody. But, as long as he is happy I am ok with it.
Today we were outside and we were flying a kite. An Elmo kite I bought for him yesterday. It was fun. He chased it down and I made sure it didn't touch the floor. Those are the best moments in life to treasure.
Oh, and I am finally getting better myself. I've been sick since like the 21th of february but it seems like it's starting to finally go away. My cough isn't as impulsive although sometimes I wake up with a sneezing attack followed by coughing but it's ok. As long as I am ok and Danny is perfect life is GREAT!
Still a bit tired but just happy about such a beautiful day!

It is weird how moments of life flash in yours eyes of sadness and desperation. On sunday morning when I got up I first wondered how Danny was doing of course but when he woke up he was back to normal, carrying his drum sticks and banging on everything. Well it sure took a turn for worse. When we decided to go to mass, my sister and I, we weren't sure if we were going to take him out but then decided that he look fine and dress him anyways. Well we went to noon mass and he became fussy and still didn't think that there was anything wrong except for his fever. Well we finally got out and went to the store to  buy a few goodies to cook for the family to eat. Well when we got there Danny was just quiet and barely moving. My sis told me, "He is too weak, he isn't even moving." He was just staring at us with such sad eyes of desperation and communicating with an occasional whimper. I was worried but I picked him up and went into the store anyways. When we got out we hurried and rushed home. I saw he fell asleep on the way home and was happy that he was finally getting some rest but when I tried taking him out of the car seat the didn't reach out for me to put him up. Usually even when he is asleep as a matter of habit he would still reach out for me and he didn't. I brought him in and laid him in the living room for all of us to watch him. I continued into the kitchen and started the preparations. My mom goes into the room and she says that he is very ill and he needed to go to the ER. I was shocked at her response, of course, nobody likes the thought of having to take their baby to the hospital but he was very ill. I didn't know what to do I was stress and teary eyed for letting my baby get so ill. We were in Arrowhead's ER at like 4-5pm and luckily he was taken in, blood work was done, and they gave him oxygen. Apparently he was not getting enough O2 hence the deep breathing. His fever was 102.7 was was lowered quick. They did x-rays and found out he had pneumonia after like 15 minutes but then I leanred they were going to admit him for observation.  We were released on monday at like 9pm. Last night I couldn't sleep for a while just listening to his irregular breathing until his patterns changed and the stress was gone. Good thing we took him in but I am sure it sucked for him, I am still having trouble giving him his meds. I think he sees then and thinks of the nurses when they woudl come in. Everytime a nurse came in or the door opened he would start screaming hysterically. Poor babies, man. I love you, Danny! 

Yay, no jury duty for me today!