It's weird because sometimes I feel that although things may be hard things come so easily for me and yet I don't understand why everything is so difficult.

Sometimes life is so great to allow me to get to know more about her. We believe she hides a lot but in reality she has it all out in the open. We all complain about why everything goes wrong in out life and don't realize that the drastic changes of weather are her cry for help....

Sometimes I think I am taking advantage of life for just riding it so smoothly or not caring for the wrong turns it gives me. It weird because sometimes I just feel like I don't care as much as I should and I don't know why it bugs me at all. I mean it shouldn't matter.  Could it be that I kind of feel disappointed that I don't feel lonely anymore or that I don't hate life as I use to. I do remember sophmore year in high a moment that I always remember. I was sitting next to my crush in the bus after a competition and well many knew I liked him and well as sucky as it was freshmen were mean. I was leaning forwards toward the front seat of the pretending to be asleep and of course I was always an easy target for freshmen and well they were mainly telling him things... like"hey why don't you go out with her", "why don't you kiss her" and so on... it was mainly arturo and ferni and a few others. I don't know why but I mainly remember their voices and I just hated myself for sitting next to him even though I didn't care if we weren't in speaking terms the fact was that he was sitting next to me and I hated that I wasn't prettier or his type. I just remember playing with my little knife as they spoke and taunted him. I know it doesn't sound as bad but for a confuse teenage girl who only knew misery all I would do would be to picture my self stabbing myself in the stomach continuously. Never went through with it of course but I never understood what about me I hated the most. Although when I talk to friends about the past I don't understand how I ever fit in or even more how I became normal. When I hear stories of high school, I feel embarrassed... I think,"no that wasn't me" or "I don't remember that!" I was way too weird which was probably mainly my depression and self hatred. I know I use to self mutulate in high school and I didn't know why and didn't even think there was something wrong with it until a friend pointed it out... I was clueless... I was this ignorant girl going to school in just going with the motions... clueless of life... there was one person who brought me down to reality and that was the person to in a way created a new person of life and chaos... always afraid that I would break and kill myself ... a stupid fear until once realized that it wasn't going to happen...  It's funny how an impact of one person can completely change your whole life and even the outlook... Glad that that person made me a little normal and not the freak I was once or "the witch", "baby killer" "gatholica" and many others... "the girl who once were white: hell was turned over, 'where's the black clothes?'"