Well seeing the wind outside and feeling that breeze through my hair, I can honestly I feel great. It's like this wind just bring life and happiness into me. Just at seeing at a day today makes me feel like everything is going to be fine. Although I know there will be more obstacles and creditors will continue to call and harass about the money that is owed to their company I know it will get better. There is no way it can get any worse than it has been in the past. Sometimes we all need a small thing to happen to appreciate for what we have and for what we were almost willing to loose. I know in the past I use to have all these thoughts and didn't really care about how they would affect anyone or if they would I didn't care but now I have come to many realizations and for once feel proud at breathing and life.
I was watching Degrassy(don't know how to spell it) but my brothers like watching it and in many ocassions I saw actors who played a certain character who I felt connected or would have at many times in my life and I saw how they look so sad and miserable that to a point I felt sorry for that person. It started making me realize how many saw me in my darkest light. Not that I felt sorry for my self but when you're seeing in from the outside you actually get to see a different picture which you never imagined looked so ugly. Now I know why I am so separated from so many friends. Who wants to see a person with that vibe, sad shell, diminishing what is left of their unworthy pity life,come on. I know I hate to see people depressed because it makes me sad and I don't know what to do. Now knowing that, seeing me for years be the same way? That wasn't a fair advantage to my friends. Sometimes it is hard to realize many things and I guess seeing it from a different perspective just helps out but now how do I make this up to those many I hurt by hating my self for so long. Many people say well "if they aren't there for you, they're not your friends." Well I don't think that is the case I do think that sometimes people try so hard that you not trying pushes them away not because they don't want to because you gave up on them. And that makes me think of an aim convo I had with a very dear friend of mine who told me that things were just different  and yes they are. I now remember him trying so hard and I just pushed him away and the sad thing that when we wake up when this coma that invaded our life for so many years, it's too late to go back to what you thought was there. It's not a whole new life and new people even if they are the same friends they will never be the same. So I don't believe that I have lost any friends but I know I am lost to many,sadly but even if they come and go I will always be here just as I was left. Sometimes it just takes a few years to snap out of things that were killing us inside and learn that there is more to life than just you. You have a son to live for you have you life which you didn't completely destroy and to top it of you haven't completely fucked it up with all friends and another thing which of course makes you an unworthy bitch of a daughter it that your parents and family are still there supporting your every mistake to help you get stronger and make a life for yourself.

I don't know why I ever complain. I have it all in fact just for having it all, I am spoiled. I have too much when there are people out there who have nothing. I am sorry, please forgive me... I was wrong.