NO way out...

Sometimes I wonder and wonder and wonder... What if this ... what if that... If something wouldn't have happened like 4 years ago... I know I wouldn't have such a precious baby... but you know what I would have ... I would have freedom.... I would be out of here... I would have never came back... I would just have disappeared... I know the only reason I had to be back is because the school wouldn't allow me to be there living on campus... The day I went back the crap started at home... So then I was pressured into regardless of what I felt to go live on campus but I said no and continued to suffer... that was the beginning of the end... and I knew it...the criticism... the pain... not only for me but for my child...  I would still have some connections but I would have no bind... I would be traveling with friends... and visiting family... I would have never stopped working and the money flow would have been better... I wouldn't be here struggling doing everything "mother" says.... I now take her to every meeting she wants, I take sometimes twice a day and to buy stuff.... I have to do it all... now let's say that I am tired... well then I am an ingrate and NEVER help her... I am a mother fucking slave at my house.... I am a fucking INGRATE...  Yeah, that I am... now she tells me you should go work at McD's... yeah the fuck right... she wants me to bring income because my dad wont get her any... because my sis works and she wont give her any... the logic is... Take and take and take and use and ask... and then I tell her ... I am going to teach you to drive... oh I can't... I just want her to be self sufficient so I can do my own fucking crap... I am trapped with no way out... it's all my fault...  I have some cuts ... well not more like old scars.... and my son's dad once said you're crazy... you have suicidal tenancies... you just want attention... I don't think I just want or crave attention... I need it... I don't have any... I am alone... I feel trapped within these walls... with no escape... I am like a fucking stupid bird...they let me out of the cage for a little and I always fucking seem to come back... why? I should just go out and make my life... but with no jobs in the market... I am a stupid statistic... A  Mexican single mother with a useless college degree... she doesnt work, she doesn't even enjoy life, doesn't go out, doesn't spent time with friends, much less can't even go out for a drink... I just need to get drunk and stay out ... I just need some freedoms... and why don't I have anything...Why? WHY?